16x09 - Fern and the Case of the Stolen Story/Sue Ellen Vegges Out

[bunniefuu]

♪ Every day when you're
walking down the street ♪

♪ Everybody that you meet
has an original point of view ♪

(laughing)

♪ And I say hey ♪

Hey!

♪ What a wonderful
kind of day ♪

♪ If we could learn
to work and play ♪

♪ And get along
with each other ♪

♪ You've got to listen to your
heart, listen to the b*at ♪

♪ Listen to the rhythm,
the rhythm of the street ♪

♪ Open up your eyes,
open up your ears ♪

♪ Get together
and make things better ♪

♪ By working together ♪

♪ It's a simple message,
and it comes from the heart ♪

♪ Believe in yourself,
for that's the place to start ♪

♪ And I say hey ♪

Hey!

♪ What a wonderful
kind of day ♪

♪ If we could learn
to work and play ♪

♪ And get along
with each other ♪

Hey!

♪ What a wonderful
kind of day ♪

Hey!

♪ What a wonderful
kind of day ♪

Hey!

Hey, DW!

Hey!

Whoa...

(groans)

They say everyone
has a story to tell.

And no one has more stories
than Fern.

(groans)

Well, usually, that is.

Hey Fern,

how's the story coming?

Huh?

Oh, great,
just writing up a storm here!

Good, because your piece
will be the main event

at Muffy's Fiction Forum
tomorrow.

Oh, and did I tell you?

A famous writer
is going to be there.

Oh no!

I mean, that's great!

Who?

It's a surprise.

But I'm sure he'll
love your writing.

You're so creative!

(gulps)

This story is called...

"Blank."

So very, um...

blank.

And, uh...

MUFFY:
Hold on!

Did you write a story or not?

I tried, but I just couldn't
think of anything!

MAN:
You mean I hath traveled

years into
the future for this?

Methinks this "Fern"
is a fraud!

(gasps)

I need an idea!

Something!

Anything!

Give me an idea!

Hey!

Wanna play catch?

How am I supposed
to play catch

when I have to write
a whole story by tomorrow

and I don't have
a single idea?

Oh yeah, Muffy's Fiction Forum.

I'm going to that, too.

I could tell you stories

that'd smack the taste
right outta yer mouth.

I never write them down, though.

Like there was
this one time...

Oh, I should let you work.

No, no, tell me, please!

Well, I have this
Aunt Mable

who knits these
wild-looking ponchos,

but what she's really good at
is bingo.

She's the second best player
in all of Orleans Parish.

Now you might ask,
"Who's the best player?"

No one knows!

He comes in a cloak
and a hat pulled way down,

and he never loses.

Some people say
he won a jetpack once.

Aunt Mable thinks he cheats,
but she can't prove it.

But you know what
the really spooky part is?

Aunt Mable can't knit!

(gasps)

Where do all the ponchos
come from?

Um, thanks.

I gotta go.

Good luck!

FERN:
Prizes had been
mysteriously vanishing

from the great bingo halls
of Europe,

and only one woman
could cr*ck the case:

Detective Virgule Watteau!

(in French accent):
Interesting!

(screaming)

Quickly, Bastings!

There was a man
in a grey coat and hat!

He took everything!

Even the jetpack!

There, there, Aunt Sable!

I'm sure we'll find the culprit.

Well, what are you standing
around here for?

Go after him!

(sobbing)

Hm...

Something,
it smells of ze fish.

Look, Watteau,
over there!

(laughing)

This way, mon ami.

We shall take
ze abbreviated route.

So we meet again,
Monsieur Grey Dove.

How did you know it was me?

It was... an oonch.

What's an "oonch?"

An oonch. Oonch!

You know, you get a feeling
but you have not ze facts...

Eh, forget it.

Well done, Watteau!

Another mystery solved!

Not yet, mon ami.

You see, ze Grey Dove
is just a piece of ze puzzle.

Multi-colored ponchos?

Where did you get these?

And where are all
the bingo prizes?

She gave them to me
on the condition

that I never play bingo again!

(laughing)

You'll never catch me now,
Watteau!

Quickly, Bastings!

Toss me that ball!

(jetpack stuttering)

Whoa!

Oof!

Blimey!

How did you know?

When I find this thread,
Watteau knows

it is from ze unfashionable
poncho of Aunt Sable.

It wasn't fair!

I wanted to show them all that
Aunt Sable was second to no one!

I guess this caper will be just
another yarn for you to tell,

eh, Watteau?

Bingo, my dear Bastings.

Bingo.

(laughter)

That was great, Fern!

It's just like
a Raymond Hammett story!

Unfortunately, our guest writer
couldn't make it today.

But he's coming tomorrow,

so I say we have another
literary gathering then.

All those in favor?

Aye!

Great.

Oh, and Fern, if you could do
another Watteau mystery,

that would be fabulous.

Thanks!

Another story...

Hey, nice story.

Especially the part
where it was completely mine!

What are you
talking about?

The bingo, the ponchos,
even the jetpack.

And why did you make my aunt
the villain?

She's a real nice lady!

It wasn't your aunt.

Her name was Mable.

My character was Sable.

Big deal!

You changed a letter!

Okay, maybe I borrowed
an idea or two.

But "Dial B for Bingo"
is a mystery!

You never said anything
about a detective.

That's true.

Still, I wish you had
asked me first.

I might like to use that stuff
in a story someday.

And you should.

In fact, if you wanted,
I'd even help you.

Just not tonight.

I know just what
I would write about, too.

I've got this Uncle Silas,

who's a clown
with the craziest hairdo.

And he has this parrot
who tells terrible jokes,

but once the parrot
got lost and...

Ladonna, it sounds amazing,

but I should really go
and get to work.

Oh, okay.

Good luck!

What a great story!

How does Fern
come up with them?

Methinks you have
writer's block.

What's that?

When one's well of ideas
has dried to dust,

the nib of one's quill
begins to rust.

(groans)

Hi, Mrs. Compson.

Can I speak to Ladonna?

Oh, she's asleep?

Okay.

Um, no, no message.

Thanks.

(sighs)

FERN:
Watteau and Bastings

made their way through
the deep, dense jungle.

Polly the Parrot, the pride
of the Cirque de Fauteuil,

had gone missing, and the trail
had led them to the Congo.

WATTEAU:
A feather...

And it is still warm.

We are close!

Zut alors!

Watch out!

(sniffing)

It seems to be tipped
with peanut butter.

You have saved me from a really
horrible rash, mon ami!

Virgule Watteau,
she is very allergic!

I'm not.

Bastings, behold.

There is more than one archer
in this jungle.

Only a clown would use
this type of,

how-you-say, prop comedy.

(squawking)

VOICE:
Polly wants a laugh!

BASTINGS:
A-ha, Cyrus the Clown!

It was you who kidnapped Polly.

You're right!

I did it!

But it was only
to protect her!

Someone else is after her.

But who?

This thread, I have seen it
somewhere before.

(gasps)

Ze Grey Dove!

(squawks)

I got rid of the ponchos--
they were itchy--

but I guess a thread
must've stuck to me.

Say bye-bye, birdie.

It's time to collect
my ransom!

Quick, Monsieur Clown,
untie ze rope!

This shape, it is like
ze boomerang!

(laughing)

Ow!

FERN:
Polly was safe,

and the Grey Dove
went to prison.

But Cyrus did not take Polly

back to the circus

because, more than anything,
Polly wanted her freedom.

(applause)

That was wonderful, Fern!

Where on earth
do you get these ideas?

Um, well....

Excuse me!

I got a story I want to tell!

Hope you like it
as much as I liked yours.

(clears throat)

Ferg-- that's with a 'g,'
not an 'n'--

was a cat burglar.

Only instead of stealing cats,
she stole something else.

(thunderclap)

(shutter clicks)

Why Ferg,
whatever are you doing?

Oh!

Um, nothing, Ladella.

I was just leaving.

(beeping)

I believe you have
something of mine.

(laughs nervously)

What do you mean?

You have stolen something that
is very, very valuable to me.

My stories!

FERN:
Wait a minute...

Ladella couldn't let Ferg
steal the story

of Uncle Silas and his parrot,

which he did not steal
from a French circus

but bought at the pet store
in the mall.

And then...

Hey, that was about me!

It's just a story.

See, the name's different.

You want a story?

Fine!

I'm writing one right now

about a girl named Ladoona

who doesn't understand
the creative process.

Oh, yeah?

I'm writing a story
about a writer named Ferm

who won't admit
that she steals stories!

I'm not a thief!

I tried to call you,
but you were asleep.

Excuse me, but these new stories
that you're writing?

They sound very dull.

I want her to admit that she was
using stories about my family.

I wasn't.

That could've been any
bad-joke-telling parrot.

And Sable isn't Mable
and Silas isn't Cyrus!

I mean, Cyrus isn't...

Okay, I admit it!

I have writer's block.

I have no more ideas left.

I'm finished.

And I just got carried away.

I didn't think of it
as stealing,

but I guess it was.

I'm sorry.

Well, but you did
start writing again.

That Grey Dove stuff?

That was all you.

That's true.

Maybe we could even work
on a story together.

Like, as a team.

(gavel pounding)

Okay, I'm officially bored.

But the good news is
our guest author has arrived!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Ed Crosswire!

(applause)

This is from my new memoir

"A Deal Like
You Wouldn't Believe."

Chapter One:

I was born near the dump.

But I knew I wasn't garbage...

And now...

This is my third-grade class.

Our teacher is Miss Warlick.

She told us that we were going
to write about a birthday party.

And those of you
who are the storytellers,

you are going to tell
your birthday party story.

And another is writing the story
and adding details to it.

Ladonna came up with really
crazy stories,

and Fern was
a really good writer,

so she decided
to change up the story.

Once upon a time,
you went to...

I went to a birthday party.

In the pool,
I could make a big splash.

Let me think of
what I can change.

Once, I went to a birthday party
at an indoor swimming pool

and played around.

I discovered that I could make
big waves.

The waves were so big

that some people grabbed
surfboards and rode the waves.

So he's giving me
a true story

and I'm changing it
and writing it in a funny way.

His mom came out with
a cupcake and she said,

"This should be enough
for everyone."

"What?

One cupcake?"

He started stomping his feet

and stuck his head
in the punch bowl.

We were playing dodge ball,
and it wasn't going so well.

It was all their players
versus Said.

They threw the ball at him,

and his crutches broke
and he flew up into the air.

He turned into Super Said!

He threw the ball and it hit
every single player.

We won!

Super Said to the rescue!

I kicked the ball
and it hit the cake.

There was a skunk inside the
cake with frosting on his face

and he sprayed people.

I went to a birthday party
at Dingwup Park.

We were playing
zero-gravity soccer.

And Dimitri
turned into Tickle Man.

This is Tickle Man!

(class laughing)

Someone's dad was cutting
the cake, but when he cut it,

confetti exploded
out of the cake!

The dad yelled...

Ah!

Now the party
was really getting started.

I think it's very creative.

And now...

Oh, hey.

Want to see some pictures
of my new best friend?

Sally.

She's a pig I met
a few weeks ago.

(squealing)

I met her at this farm.

She was really sweet,
and so smart.

She could jump through hoops...

(laughing)

Roll over...

(snorting)

Open doors...

(laughing)

She could even take a bow!

In fact, Sally helped me make

one of the most important
decisions of my entire life.

Hola, Sue Ellen!

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

What'll it be today?

Does the calabacitas
have any meat in it?

Nope, it's % vegetarian

with fresh produce
and lots of love.

Okay, I'll have that.

BUSTER:
Hm, fascinating.

Slightly spongy
in texture.

(sniffing)

A pungent aroma.

Looks good!

Might be better
with ketchup, though.

Mm...

You should try
the steak tacos.

Yeah, they're amazing.

Actually,
I don't eat meat anymore.

I've decided to become
a vegetarian.

BOTH:
Huh?

What?

You're never going
to eat meat again?

Ever?

You'll still
eat bacon, right?

No.

And definitely no.

But why?

Meat is so... meaty!

(chewing loudly)

Lots of reasons.

I've been thinking about
becoming a vegetarian

for a while.

Oh my gosh, so am I!

Muffy,

you have a steak
on your plate.

I didn't say I was
a vegetarian yet.

I'm becoming one
right after lunch.

See, there was this article

in We're Fabulous
And You're Not! magazine,

and Capri di Vapida says

not eating meat is very
fashionable right now.

Maybe I should
give up something.

Olives!

I guess I could
give those up.

Mm...

No.

No, I couldn't.

Muffy,

I don't think you should
become a vegetarian

just because you read about it
in a magazine.

It's kind of a big decision...

FRANCINE:
(laughs)

Plus you wouldn't
last a day!

Oh really?

Well, we'll just see about that.

There!

That was my last bite
of meat ever!

I can't even bear
to be around it anymore!

Okay...

(gulps)

That was my last bite.

C'mon, veggie sister.

Let's get away
from these carnivores!

(sighs)

I'm so glad I decided
to give up meat.

I feel like a completely
different person!

It's only been
four hours.

I know!

Isn't it amazing?

I'm a little hungry, though.

Let's get a snack.

SUE ELLEN:
Um, Muffy,

I don't think that's the best
place for a vegetarian.

One barbecue
Chick-o-Lickin' stick

with an eight-piece
'Normous Nuggins, please...

Wait Muffy,
that has meat in it.

Really?

Which one?

Both of them!

They're made with chicken,
and chicken is meat.

Technically,
it's poultry by-product

with real chicken
flavoring.

Okay, but it's still meat.

Oh...

Well, what do you have
that doesn't have meat in it?

(gasps)

MR. CROSSWIRE:
Sure I can't tempt you
with one teeny-weeny slice?

It's extra rare,
just the way you like it.

Um, I don't know...

Hold on a sec.

(dialing noises)

Sue Ellen,

it's your veggie sister.

What if a slice of meat

were to fall into your mouth
by accident?

Could you eat it then?

How would that happen?

Well, what if you were sitting
next to your dad

and he was, I don't know,
slicing a roast or something,

and then a piece
fell off his fork

and you just happened
to be standing under it?

Muffy, if you want to eat meat,

then just eat it.

No one's forcing you
to be a vegetarian.

And let Francine say,
"I told you so"?

Never!

(sighs)

MUFFY:
Great news!

Capri di Vapida is now
on the "Baloney Only" diet!

We don't have to be
vegetarians anymore!

I don't care what diet
some celebrity is on.

I gave up meat because...

FRANCINE:
Ha!

I told you so.

You couldn't give up meat
for one day!

Well, you couldn't do
any better.

Oh yeah?

Watch me!

As of this second,
I renounce meat forever!

We'll just see how long
you last, Francine Frensky!

It's on!

Francine, wait!

Hey!

Where'd everyone go?

Are you sure
you want to do this?

If it's just to prove
to Muffy that...

Sue Ellen, I would never make
such an important decision

just because...

(gasps)
There she is!

Oh, hey girls!

What's up?

Just enjoying some healthy
and delicious

vegetarian frozen yogurt!

Mm!

I could live on this stuff!!

Mind if I sit
and eat with you?

Oh wait, what I brought
isn't vegetarian.

I wouldn't want to tempt you...

Don't worry about me.

I won't be tempted.

Yep, nothing like the smell

of a fresh hot Double Bubsy
burger, is there?

(chewing loudly)

Mm, wow.

It's like a symphony
performed in the key of meat.

Oh, gotta run.

I'll just
leave these here.

One is plenty for me.

Thanks!

(door closes)

Hi, Francine.

Hi, Bubsy.

I really miss you!

(blows nose loudly)

I miss you too.

I should've said
goodbye,

but there just wasn't time...

Francine, snap out of it!

You're talking
to a hamburger.

Mm...

Fine!

If it's not burgers,

I'll find something else
she can't resist!

When you're a vegetarian,

it's important that you get
enough protein.

Nuts and seeds
are a great source.

(knocking)

I'll get it.

"A great source of protein"?

Yeah, if you're a squirrel.

Your first night
as a vegetarian

and you order meaty
Chinese food?

I didn't order Chinese food.

"Fried chicken dumplings,
beef lo mein, Peking duck..."

These are all
my favorite dishes!

Who would...
(gasps)

Muffy!

Here, have this cheese
instead.

I'll take care
of the Chinese.

What's this?

A thank you note
from my parents.

They loved the Chinese food.

I had salad
and a baked potato.

Stand back, Sue Ellen!

She's probably got bacon on
her.

Relax.

I just came to say let's
let bygones be bygones,

and to invite you
to a potluck I'm having.

Everyone brings a dish,

so there'll be
all kinds of food.

But if you think it'll be
too difficult for you,

I completely under...

Oh, we'll be there,
all right.

Great.

Are you sure about this,
Francine?

You've only been a vegetarian
for a day.

(scoffs)

I'll be fine.

We need to stick together

and show Muffy
how strong we are!

Hi Buster, want to come
to my potluck dinner?

Great!

What's your favorite food?

Does that have meat in it?

Great, bring that!

See you tomorrow!

(dialing noises)

Hey Binky, want to come
to my potluck dinner?

Great!

Macaroni salad?

Actually, I think someone's
already bringing that.

How about hot dogs?

Great!

Mm!

Smells wonderful, George!

Ooh, shepherd's pie!

You're sure there's lamb
in that, right?

Great!

Come on in!

Hey, Muffy.

I brought some sautéed
breaded cauliflower.

And I brought
ratatouille.

(gasps)

They look lovely.

Let me take these for you.

Uh, everything seems
to have meat in it.

Where are the dishes
we brought?

I put them in the kitchen
so they could be warmed up.

I hope someone didn't
mistake them for mulch.

Oh, well.

Why don't you just have
a teeny bit of what's here?

This has all been a trick

to try to get me
to eat meat, hasn't it?

I beg your pardon!

BUSTER:
Hey, everyone!

Here are some fresh vegetables
from the community garden!

Vegetables?

You were supposed to bring pizza
with chicken and sausage!

Oh, sorry, my mom didn't
have time to make that.

Looks like your plan failed,
Muffy!

And even if Buster hadn't come,

I found these amazing
vegetarian collard greens.

Mm!

LADONNA:
Glad you like them!

But they're not actually
vegetarian.

They're simmered in duck fat
for three hours.

A-ha!

I knew you couldn't
stay away from meat!

I knew it!

You tricked me!

I didn't even know
it had meat in it.

But you found it anyway.

Just couldn't resist!

I win!

SUE ELLEN:
That's it!

I've had it with you two!

Neither one of you really cares
about being a vegetarian.

You're just using it as an
excuse to fight with each other.

You want to know why
I gave up eating meat?

Because there are some animals
whom I consider friends,

so I lost my taste
for eating them.

Frankly, they're
a lot better friends

than some of the people I know.

I've kind of lost
my appetite, too...

Um, yeah, me too.

Uh, yeah, I got a book report.

You can leave
if you want to.

This was all my fault.

No, it wasn't.

I'm just as much to blame

as you are.

Besides, I'm starving.

How's my favorite
vegetarian?

Okay.

I guess I'll have
the spinach soufflé.

We do have more options today.

MUFFY:
With Bailey's help,
we made a few extra dishes

to add to the school menu.

We thought of having
a Meatless Monday once a week.

Want to try
the ratatouille?

Wow, that looks delicious!

Only the best
for our veggie sister!

We're kidding!

Francine and I are going
for Double Bubsy's after school.

But until then,
let's dig in.

To watch more Arthur

and play games with all
the Elwood City friends,

visit pbskids.org.

You can find Arthur books
and lots of other books, too,

at your local library.