01x01 - TV or Not TV

[bunniefuu]

Whew!

Oh.

Oh, hi, Alice.

Hiya, Trix.

Where's Ralph?

Oh, he's not home yet.

Oh. Well, Norton just called me,

and he told me to tell Ralph

that he might be a little late

for bowling tonight.

On his way home from work,

he has to stop in at
this television store.

We're getting a new set.

You are? Mm-hmm.

What's the matter
with the old one?

Oh, we've had an awful
lot of trouble with it, Alice.

So, yesterday, I called
in the television repairman

and he says it just
isn't worth fixing.

Gee. Here you are
getting your second set

and we haven't
had our first one yet.

Oh, I wish Ralph would
get me a television.

I begged him, Trixie, for a set.

I pleaded with him.

Alice, you're never
going to get anything

out of Ralph by begging.

Husbands just
love to see us beg.

Whenever I want to
get something out of Ed,

I just use the old "pipe
and slippers" routine.

What's that?

Well, when Ed gets
home from work,

I bring him his
pipe and his slippers

and I wait on him
and I flatter him.

I make him real comfortable.

Then, when he's in a good
mood, I spring it on him.

And Alice, it never fails.

Well... Hi, Alice.
Oh, hi, Ralph.

Hiya, Trix. Hi.

Hurry up with my
eats; I'm going bowling.

Try it, Alice.

Believe me, it'll work.

Well, I don't know.

Go ahead; what
have you got to lose?

Look, honey, I'll see you later.

Okay, Trix.

Oh, Ralph?

Sweetheart-face?

You don't have to hurry.

Ed called and said

he might be a
little late tonight.

Why don't you just let me
make you comfortable here

because you've
been gone all day long

and I miss you something
terrible, sweetums.

Who is "sweetums"?

You're sweetums.

You're nuts.

Oh, Ralph.

Come on, sit down and let
me make you comfortable.

That way I can look
at my darling boy

while I'm making supper.

Have you been having
headaches lately?

Ralph, there's
nothing wrong with me.

Come on, now,
sit down and relax.

Come on, and I'll
get you the paper.

That's it.

You just relax there.

Oh, yeah, she's gone, all right.

Here, sweetie.

There's your paper.

It'll do you no good
to hide my shoes,

'cause I'm going
bowling regardless.

I don't want to hide
your shoes, Ralph.

I want you to go bowling.

I want you to do anything
that'll make you happy.

All right, where is she?

I know she's here.

She's either out
on that fire escape

or hiding in the bathroom.

Your mother is here, Alice,

but she's not staying.

Ralph, Mother isn't here.

It's like I said, I just want
to make you comfortable.

Come on now, sit down,

and I'll get you
a nice, tall drink.

Come on, Ralphie.

That's it.

What would you like, Ralph...

Lemonade, or, uh, milk or juice?

Let me have what
you're drinking.

I want to get loaded, too.

I'll get you some lemonade,

'cause I know
that's your favorite.

Here you are, sweetie.

Are you comfy, sweetums?

Yeah, I'm comfy.

Good.

Oh, and by the
way, Ralph... Aha!

Aha!

"By the way," eh?

I knew there'd have to be a
"by the way" in here someplace.

All right, what's "by the way"?

All right, Ralph.

The Nortons are getting
a new television set,

and I was just thinking,
"Why don't we get one, too?"

All right, Alice.

I am now going
out the door again.

When I come back in,

act like I wasn't
in here before.

And I don't want any of this...

none of that...
none of this stuff.

I don't want to be comfy,
I don't want my slippers,

I don't want any
lemonade, and most of all,

most of all, I
don't want any talk

about buying a television set.

Ralph, why can't we
have a television set?

The Nortons are
on their second one.

We haven't even
had our first one yet.

Why do you always
have to be so cheap?

Cheap?

Cheap?

Is that why you think
I won't get you a set,

'cause I'm cheap?

Well, that shows
how much you know.

All right, what is the reason?

Do you want to know the reason?

Yeah.

You wanna know the reason?

Yeah!

The reason?

All right, I'll tell
you the reason.

I'm waiting for 3-D
television... that's the reason.

Are you waiting for
3-D refrigerators, too?

Let's face it, Ralph.

You're just too
cheap to get me a set.

Ed Norton makes the
same money you do

and you know what they have?

They got a washing machine,

they got a vacuum cleaner,
they got a television set,

they even got an electric stove.

I gotta go along
with you, Alice.

You're right.

They got all of those things.

And they got one more
thing that we ain't got.

Do you know what
that is? Worries.

Do you know why
they got worries?

'Cause every week he's got to go
down and pay for those things, see?

That's headaches when
you got to pay out every week.

I don't have any headaches.

I got peace of mind.

That's what I got...
Peace of mind.

Go ahead, let them buy things.

Let 'em buy 'em.

What good are things?

I got money, Alice.

I sock mine away in a bank.

You know what the
bank account is now?

It's going up! Up!

We got $75 laying around there.

That's what we got.

So, don't go envying Trixie.

She's got electric stoves,

she's got television sets,
she's got washing machines.

You've got financial security.

Just remember that.

You know as well as I do, Alice,

that money is
better than things.

I would rather have
money in my wallet...

In my wallet, I'd
rather have money...

Than all the
things in the world.

So, let Norton have
his vacuum cleaners.

Let him have his
television sets.

Let him have his
electrical stoves.

Go ahead.

I got one thing
that he hasn't got.

I've got it here.

You got it here,
and you got it here,

and you got it here.

But I still want
a television set.

Now, look around you, Ralph.

We don't have any
electric appliances.

Do you want to know what
our electric bill was last month?

39 cents.

We haven't blown a
fuse, Ralph, in ten years.

What ever happened

to the sweet, unspoiled
girl I married before?

What ever happened
to that girl, Alice?

Do you remember what you
said to me before we got married?

"Ralph, I'd be happy to
live in a tent with you."

I'm still willing.

I think it would be
an improvement.

Do you wanna go to the moon?

Do you wanna go to the moon?

That would be an
improvement, too.

Oh... Now, let me
tell you something,

Mr. Financial Security.

I want a television set,

and I'm going to
get a television set.

I have lived in this
place for 14 years

without a stick of
furniture being changed.

Not one.

I am sick and tired of it.

And what do you do?

You don't care about this.

This place looks like

Washington's
birthplace, or something.

We gotta preserve
it exactly as it was.

You know what it
looks like to me?

It's more like
Lincoln's birthplace.

Nah... And what
do you care about it?

You're out all day long.

And at night, what
are you doing?

Spending money playing pool,

spending money bowling,

or paying dues at that
crazy lodge you belong to.

And I'm left here to look
at that ice box, that stove,

that sink and these four walls.

Well, I don't wanna
look at that icebox,

that stove, that sink
and these four walls.

I want to look at Liberace!

Ha!

What do you say, there, Ralph?

Shut up, you troublemaker.

What did I do? What? What?

You know what you did.

I'll tell you what you did.

You had to go and buy
Trixie another television set.

Now Alice wants
me to buy her one.

And she wants to use
my pool, my bowling

and my dues money to do it.

Hey, h-how come Alice found out

about such a thing
as television, Ralph?

I thought you kept her in
the dark on things like that.

Well, if you're going
to buy a television set,

I guess what I came down
to see you about is out.

I was down pricing
those television sets

and they're pretty steep.

Pretty expensive.

I can't afford one right now.

I figured I'd borrow a
little money from you.

Why should you do that?

Why don't you go down

and get it like you got
everything else... on time?

I can't.

They won't give
me any more credit

down there at the store.

I got 18 accounts going already.

No, 19... I bought

a water softener last week.

Well, I guess for the
next two or three months

I gotta go without television.

Boy, I'm gonna miss it, too.

Couldn't have come
at a worse time.

Do you realize that
tomorrow afternoon

Captain Video
takes off for Pluto?

Hey, wait a minute.

What?

Wait a minute.

I've got the solution
to the whole thing.

Look, you haven't got
enough money to buy a set.

I haven't got enough
money to buy a set.

But if we put our
money together,

we got enough dough
to get a great set.

This solves the whole problem.

You can see Captain
Video, I can go bowling,

and Alice can sit around here

and watch television
all day if she wants.

I gotta go along
with you, Ralph.

The whole route all the way,

except for one thing.

How come automatically

this television set
lands down here

instead of up there?

I have seen some
babies in my day,

but you are the champ.

All right, we'll flip a coin

to see where the
television set goes.

Give me a coin.

All right, uh...

heads, I win, tails,
you lose. Right?

Tails, you lose.

Now... Wait a
minute, wait a minute.

What's wrong?

I hope I don't
insult you, Ralph,

but would you mind
giving me back my coin?

Oh, oh, yes, yes.

Boy.

Right about here,
it ought to go, pal.

Alice, you got
the paper in there?

Calling all Space Rangers.

It's time to blast off

with Captain Video
and his Video Rangers!

Hello out there, Rangers.

This is Captain Video.

Are you all ready
to join me today

on our trip to outer space?

I am ready, oh, Captain Video!

Very good.

Let us all put on

our official Captain
Video space helmets.

Official Captain
Video space helmet on,

oh, Captain Video!

Adjust disintegrator g*n.

Disintegrator g*n
adjusted, oh, Captain Video.

And now, we blast off
for Pluto and the moon!

Aah!

Attention, Rangers!

I want all you Rangers at home

to recite the Captain
Video Ranger Pledge.

I, Edward Norton,
Ranger Third Class

in the Captain Video
Space Academy

do solemnly pledge to
obey my mommy and daddy,

be kind to dumb animals

and old ladies in outer space,

not to tease my little
brothers and sisters

and to brush my
teeth twice a day

and drink milk after every meal.

All right, that did it.

All right, out!

Get out!

Out!

Now, look, you,

let's have an understanding.

We've had this
set for three nights,

and for three nights,

I've listened to nothing
but space shows,

Westerns, cartoon
frolics and puppet shows.

Tonight, I am watching a movie,

and if you dare to make a sound

while the movie is on,

I'll cut off your air supply!

Julia, darling.

Oh, Harry, you're wonderful.

Julia, I love you.

Oh, Harry... Aah,
that silly muck.

I've got my rights.

I'm gonna look at Captain Video.

Yes, Rangers!

And now we are approaching
the inner atmosphere.

Your hair is like
golden sunflowers.

Oh, Harry, take me away.

A giant crater filled
with boiling lava!

Let me hold you close to me.

Come, Harry.

All right, all right!

Get out!

Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute!
Get out! Out! Out!

Need I remind you

that I paid for
half of that set?

If you "Out! Out! Out!" me,

then half of that set
goes "Out! Out!" too.

How do you like
them there apples?

Look. Look, you space cadet.

We've got to come to
some kind of an agreement.

If we're going
to watch this set,

it's half mine as well as yours.

If we're gonna watch anything,

it's got to be something
that we agree on.

Well, all right,

I guess we can find
something we can agree on.

All right.

We'll look in the paper

and pick out
something in the media.

Wait a minute.

Official space helmet
off, Captain Video,

wherever you are.

Will you cut that out?

Hey, here's a movie.

Rhythm on Ice.

With Kenny Baker,
Jane Frazee... Oh.

Buddy Ebsen...

Jerry Colonna and Frankie Darro.

Hey, hey, that's a neat picture.

Boy, that Jane Frazee can...

Hey, wait a minute,
here's something better.

Fights of the World.

Maxie Rosenbloom
against Kingfish Lavinsky.

That sounds good.

Let's watch that.

See, it's not hard to agree

once we hit on something.

Nope.

Isn't that a little fuzzy?

Sometimes it gets fuzzy
when you switch the channels.

You got to move the aerial.

Here. Move around the room.

I'll tell you if it
comes in clear.

How is it going there?

Nah.

How about that?

No.

Go out in the hall, there.

What do you mean,
"out in the hall"?

Sometimes it's very
tricky to get a better picture.

You have to move the aerial.

Go out in the hall.

How is it now?

No, not better yet.

How about here?

Is it all right now?

Is the picture on now?

That's perfect now, Ralph!

Right here? Yeah!

Norton!

Let me in there, Norton!

And now let's
investigate these...

Official space helmet
on, Captain Video!

Ralph, will you come to bed?

It's 1:00 in the morning!

I'm watching The Late Show.

Fares, fares... oh.

You gotta go to work
tomorrow, you know.

All right, I'll be
in in a minute.

Ralph, will you wake
up and come to bed?

What?

Ralph.

Yeah?

Come to bed!

All right.

Ralph? Ralph!

I fell down the stairs.

What do you expect

staying up all night
watching television?

And now for The
Late, Late, Late Show.

Hey... Get out!

Get out! Get out!

If I go, that set goes with me!

That set goes over my dead body!

I couldn't get it out
over your dead body.

What do you think I
am, a mountain climber?

All right, let's go.

All right, all right!

What's going on out here?

This idiot's got the
gall to come down here

and put The Late,
Late, Late Show on

when I'm trying to get to sleep,
and I gotta go to work tomorrow.

Oh, why doesn't he take
the set upstairs and watch it?

He's not allowed to
take the set upstairs

'cause I flipped him a coin,
and the set stays down here.

That's right, Alice.

When we flipped a coin, he won.

He said before he flipped,

he said, "Heads, I
win, tails, you lose,"

and it was tails, and I lost.

He won.

Don't look at me like that.

I learned that trick from you.

That's how we got married.

Don't start with me.

What trick?

There's no trick.

Why does all this
have to happen to me?

Do you wanna know why
this happens to you, Ralph?

Well, I'll tell you.

You couldn't go out
and buy a television set

like everybody else.

Oh, no, you had
to have a scheme.

So you dragged
this poor soul into it

so you could get
the set for half price.

Then when the poor soul

wants to come down
and look at a program,

you've got to start
picking on him.

That's right, you always
pick, pick, pick, pick...

Aw, shut up!

Just a minute, Ed.

You're no angel in this, either.

I don't understand you two boys.

Such good friends,

you always get
along well together.

You don't have any trouble
when you bowl or sh**t pool.

But this, why can't
you get along now?

For heaven's sake,
stop acting like babies

and try to grow up a little.

Well, Norton, I... I
guess she's right.

I apologize.

Put her there, pal.

Well, good night, pal.

Hey, uh... What?

Do you mind if I stick around

and watch the... watch
the end of that movie, there?

Charlie Chan: the Galloping
Ghost of Mystery Gulch.

Galloping Ghost
of Mystery Gulch?

It's a Charlie Chan picture.

It's, it's a mystery...

A m*rder mystery... on
The Late, Late, Late Show.

Turn it on.

Boy, in this last part,

his number one son was
really in trouble, there.

Yeah?

I've got to admit it, Ralph.

Once in your life
you were right.

We never should have
gotten a television set.