01x03 - The Golfer

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Cassidy. Have
you heard the news?

Ralph Kramden's gonna be
the new assistant traffic manager.

Ralph Kramden?
Where'd you hear that?

It's all over the place.

He's gonna be the new
assistant traffic manager.

All I can say is I'm
glad I ain't got any stock

in the Gotham Bus Company.

Hey, Pete, Ralph Kramden's

gonna be the new
assistant traffic manager.

Ralph Kramden!

Yeah, everybody's
talking about it.

Well, here comes the new
executive. Congratulations.

Well! So you got the
news, huh, fellas? Yeah.

Well, it only goes to prove

that a good man
is not hard to find.

But there's nothing
to get excited about.

It's not official
yet. Just a rumor.

I'm not going to celebrate
on the strength of a rumor.

You know me.

Have a cigar, fellas.

Oh, thanks. Here
you are, here you are.

And right after work,
the beers are on me.

Ralph, why don't we
all have lunch together?

Well, I'd like that, except
I'm expecting Norton here.

I'm gonna have lunch with him.

Oh, and by the way,
whatever you do,

don't mention about me becoming

the new assistant
traffic manager to Norton.

You know what a big
blabbermouth he is.

He'll run home and tell
Alice before I get a chance to.

And this is the kind of news

that a man likes to
bring home himself.

Norton, guess what? What?

I'm the new assistant
traffic manager.

Put her there, Ralphie
boy, pal of mine!

I knew you had it in ya.

Thank you very much, Norton.

All right, all right,
come on, now come on!

Who started it? Who started it?

Who started what? The rumor.

The rumor that Kramden's

gonna be the new
assistant traffic manager.

Well, don't look at me,
I got it from Cassidy.

So you started it, huh?

I did not, I got it
from Riley here.

All right, Riley.
What's the idea?

I didn't start it,
Freddie. Well, who did?

Who told you Kramden's gonna be

the new assistant
traffic manager?

Kramden did.

So that's it, huh?

Blowing your own
horn again, huh, Ralph?

Now, look, Ralph, get
this and get it straight.

Mr. Harper's gonna
pick his own assistant,

and he hasn't made up his
mind yet who it's gonna be.

And once more, I doubt very
much that it's gonna be you,

because Mr. Harper doesn't
even know that you're alive.

Come on, fellas.

Well Ralph, looks like you
started the wrong rumor.

What are you talking about?

First you should
have started the rumor

that Mr. Harper
knows you're alive.

Why don't you shut up?

Boy, this burns me up.

This burns me up!

I deserve that
promotion, Norton.

I worked hard to get it.

Just because Mr. Harper
doesn't know I'm alive,

I'm not gonna get
the promotion, huh?

Well, it's the same old story.

It's not what you
know, it's who you know.

If you don't have any
connections, you're dead.

You can be the
smartest guy in the world,

know everything
about everything,

you can know the encyclopedia
backwards and forwards.

But if you don't have
any connections,

you get nowhere.

Now wait a minute.

I don't think that
applies to every case.

I didn't have no connections

when I got my job in the sewer.

Oh, what am I...

What are you
getting so excited for?

Listen, it's a
beautiful day outside.

Let's bring the lunch out
in the park and we'll eat it.

No, wait a minute.

We'll eat lunch right down here.

Every afternoon at this time,

Mr. Harper comes down here.

Right around lunch hour.

And believe me, Mr. Harper

is gonna know that
Mr. Kramden is alive.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna strike up a
conversation with him.

Hey, hey, hey. Good thinking!

Tell him you're smart but
you got no good connections.

That's exactly what
I'm not going to tell him.

I read a book on how
to influence people,

it said the main thing is
not to talk about yourself.

If you're gonna talk to someone,

talk about something
they're interested in.

You know, like, Mr. So and So,

how's your daughter?

Mr. So and So, how's your wife?

Mr. So and So,
how's your son-in-law?

Hey, that's good psychology.

Sure, with that
kind of an approach,

when the new job comes
up, who's gonna get it?

His son-in-law.

Would you, uh, care
to start at the other end?

I would not.

Will you stop that?

Well, hello, Mr. Harper.
How are the kids?

I don't have any children.

Uh, how's the wife?

I'm not married.

Uh... how are you, Mr. Harper?

Ha ha, I got you that time!

Excuse me.

Oh, uh, going out
to play a little golf?

Nothing like a good golf game.

Are you interested in golf?

Oh, certainly I'm
interested in golf. Oh, sure.

Say, that is a nice bag
of clubs you got there.

Thanks, mister, uh...
Kramden is the name.

Oh, yes, Kramden.

Well, what kind of a game
do you play, Kramden?

Oh, well, I, uh...
I, uh... play like...

Don't be modest, Ralph!

Mr. Harper, you put a golf club

in this lad's hand
and he's dynamite!

I'm telling you, he
could be a champion!

Only he ain't got
no connections.

So you're in the
championship class.

Where do you play, Kramden?

Where?

Uh, uh, all around.

All around.

Where do you play?

Silver Oaks.

Oh, Silver Oaks!

Oh, yes, very nice over there.

I play there lots of times.

Well, maybe I'll run
into you there one day.

We can sh**t a
few holes together.

Yeah, That'd be nice.

If I ever run into you over
there, we'll sh**t a few.

Why don't you make it
definite? How 'bout Sunday?

Oh, well, I'm sorry.

I'm booked up Sunday.

Oh, you are? That's a shame.

Sure would have liked
to play with you Sunday.

Well, how about a
week from Sunday?

Oh, no, Sundays are out.

I play with my regular
partner on Sunday.

Oh. Well, I guess it looks

like we're never gonna
get together to play.

Well, what do you
say about Saturdays?

Ralph doesn't work on Saturdays.

Well, now that's an
idea. Let's see, uh...

How about four weeks
from this Saturday?

All right with you, Ralph?

Perfect, perfect.

Okay, it's a date.

Always a pleasure to
play with a good golfer.

I'll see you on the golf course.

We tee off at ten o'clock.

Of course, I'll see you
around before then.

What's the matter with you?

What did you tell
him I play golf for?

Well, I know you don't
play golf, but he don't.

Yes, but he's
gonna find out I don't!

What's gonna happen when
we get on the golf course?

I don't even know
where left field is.

You don't have to know.

You don't have to play golf.

You make up an excuse.

And in the meantime,
you get the job.

Look. Look, you got four weeks.

Anything can
happen in four weeks.

You could get hit by lightning.

Suppose I don't
get hit by lightning?

Well, you're still
on safe ground.

If you have to play golf,

you got me along there with you,

telling you exactly what to do.

You? Telling me?

You telling me how to play golf?

Yeah. Sure.

What do you know about it?

I know all I need to
know about playing golf.

It's a game they
play with 18 holes.

I been working in the
sewers for ten years.

If that don't qualify me as
an expert on holes, I give up.

Alice?

Alice, come out here.

I got something to
tell you, good news.

Oh, Ralph, you're just in time.

You forgot to take the
garbage out this morning.

Never mind the garbage.

I got some good
news to tell you.

Well, can't you take
the garbage out first?

Will you stop with the garbage!

I'll take it out later.

Ralph, you always say
that and you never do.

Alice, I'm trying to tell
you some good news.

Oh, all right, Ralph.
I'm sorry, what is it?

Well, to begin with,
it doesn't look like

I'm gonna need this
lunchbox much longer.

Ralph, you're going on a diet!

No, I am not going on a diet!

Well, why won't you
need this lunchbox?

Are you getting a bigger one?

Just for that snide remark,

now I'm not gonna
tell you the news.

I refuse to tell you the news.

There's nothing in this world

could make me tell you the news.

All right, don't tell me.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's what you say now.

But a year from now,
when you find out

that I've been assistant
traffic manager all that time,

you'll say, "Ralph,
why didn't you tell me?"

Ralph, you got the job.

Well... it's not official yet.

Oh.

What do you mean, oh?

Nothing, just oh.

No, Alice, you
don't mean just oh.

You mean, oh,
I'm dreaming again,

oh, I don't know what I'm doing,

and, oh, I'm jumping
to conclusions.

Ralph, this has
happened too many times.

Now when it's finally
official that you got the job,

I'll get excited,
but not until then.

Well, maybe you'll
change your opinion,

when you find out
that Mr. Harper and I

had a very friendly chat today.

And he invited me
to play golf with him.

Mr. Harper invited you
to play golf with him?

That man doesn't
need an assistant,

he needs a keeper!

Ralph, didn't you tell him you
don't know how to play golf?

Why should I tell him that?

If I'd told him that,

he wouldn't have
made the date with me.

You don't mean you're actually
going out on a golf course with him?

Sure I am. But look,

the date is for a month away.

By that time, I'll be real
friendly with Mr. Harper,

and I'll already
have the promotion.

So when the golf date
comes up, I'll just tell him

I got another
engagement, that's all.

Sure, you can always tell him

you're going tiger
hunting with Ali Khan.

Oh, you're a riot,
Alice! A real riot!

Don't you understand?

Inside of a month,
I'll be friendly with him.

He'll get me the job. I
know what I'm doing, Alice.

And don't forget, this
means a lot to you.

I get that promotion,
you can get new clothes,

we can buy new furniture.

And another thing, you won't
have to run all the way down

to Madison Avenue
and 42nd Street

and hand a note to the
cop on duty to hand to me

when I go by in the bus.

You can call me
on the phone now.

All you have to do
is call on the phone,

call the Gotham Bus Company,
get the switchboard operator,

tell her you want the
assistant traffic manager.

She buzzes me, I
pick up the phone,

and I say, "Hello,
this is Mr. Kramden.

What can I do for you?"

And I say, "Hello,
this is Mrs. Kramden.

When are you gonna
take the garbage out?"

Hi, Ralph. Hiya, Fred.

Hello, Alice. Hey, Ralph,
I wish you'd get a phone.

I'm getting very tired

of walking two
miles out of my way

every time there's a message
for you from the office.

Never mind the smart
cracks. What's the message?

It's from Mr. Harper.

I guess I was wrong
about you, Ralph.

Looks like you stand
in pretty good with him.

Did you hear that, Alice?

I stand in pretty
good with Mr. Harper.

What's the message, Fred?

Well, uh, he wants you
to do him a favor, Ralph,

and just between you and me,
I got a hunch that if you do it,

you practically got
the job as his assistant.

Well... a favor, huh?

Well, as you probably
know or don't know,

Mr. Harper and I
are very close friends,

and if he wants a favor,

I'll be the first one
to do it for him.

Now what's the favor?

He wants you to play
golf with him on Sunday.

Sunday?

Yeah, that's right.

You see, Mr. Harper
and his partner

were gonna play a very
important match this Sunday,

but his partner was
suddenly called out of town.

So he wants you to
play with him instead.

Congratulations, Ralph.

It certainly looks like
you're going places.

So long.

As long as you're
going places, Ralph,

would you mind
taking the garbage?

Norton, hurry up
and come down here!

What are you trying to do?

Give me a heart
att*ck or something?

Well, Norton... How do I look?

Divine!

I don't know how you're gonna do

with these borrowed clubs,

but in that borrowed
outfit, you are divine!

Thank you, Norton.

Well, did you bring something
down we can use for a ball?

Oh, yeah.

I got this here pincushion.

That's good enough to start.

Perfect.

Let me have it.

I wish I had a
stand to put it on.

Let me have it, pal.

I have... oww!

What's the matter with you?

There's pins in it!

What'd you expect to
find in a pincushion?

Chicken noodles?

Take the pins out.

She loves me, she loves me not.

Will you stop with that!

Come on, Norton!
I only got two days

to learn how to play golf.

Wait a minute. I
want to get the door.

Wait'll I shut the door.

All right, look out.

Something's the
matter with the club.

There's nothing
wrong with the club.

It's the way you
swing at the ball.

You just don't swing
at it ordinary like.

You gotta do it scientific like,

like it says here in the book.

I got no time to
do it by the book.

I only got two days.

Go ahead.

What's it say in the book?

Now you're getting smart.

"To Emily, whose slice
inspired me to write this book."

Not that!

Read the instructions.

"The golf swing. First, step up.

"Plant your feet
firmly on the ground,

and address the ball."

Wait a minute.

What do they mean
by address the ball?

How should I know?

That's what it says here.

Well, read a little further.

Maybe it explains it.

That's all it says,
address the ball.

Wait a minute.

I think I know what
it means there.

Here, give me the club.

Step up.

Plant your feet firmly.

Hello, ball.

"Hello, ball."

Will you get in the book

and find out when
it starts to swinging?

Maybe it sounds
nuts, I don't know.

That's what they
say in golf there.

They say "tally-ho"
when they're fox hunting.

What's crazier?
Saying tally-ho to a fox,

or saying hello to a golf ball?

Will you get the book

and find out what they
say about swinging?

"I cannot overemphasize

the importance of
the correct swing."

In other words, it
don't mean a thing

if you ain't got that swing.

All right.

All right, step up to the ball.

Relax.

Head down.

Keep your eye on the ball.

Bend your knees,
straighten the left arm,

straighten your right arm,
lower the right shoulder.

Now you got it, Ralph.

Follow through
and you can't miss.

Swing!

Ahh!

Ahhh!

What did I do wrong?

Well, I uh...

I can't exactly put my finger
on what you did wrong, Ralph,

but after seeing
you swing at that ball,

I think the biggest
thing you did wrong

was tell Mr. Harper
you could play golf.

You're right, Norton.

I can't learn to play
golf in two days.

It'd take me at least a week.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

That ain't my
Ralphie boy talking!

What would happen to Bobby Jones

if he gave up before
he even started?

You're right, Norton.
I gotta keep trying.

That's it, now get in there.

Look, the main trouble I
think is you're concentrating

too much on the
ball. Just forget it.

You're right about that.

Concentrate on the swing.

If I forget about the ball,
I can play a great game.

That's it. Just-Just...
Wait a minute.

Give me the... You gotta
concentrate on the swing.

Approach.

You gonna swing? Wait a minute.

Yeah, there's power behind this.

Plant your feet
firmly on the ground.

Hello, ball.

Come on, Norton.

Follow through.

You see the way my whole
body went through with it?

Would you mind telling
me what all this stuff was?

What this stuff was?

Yes, what that stuff was.

That's how you
relax the muscles.

Get rid of the tension.
That's what this stuff is.

Let me have it. All right.

Hey! That was perfect, Norton!

Perfect. You had it right there.

Now, let's practice it
again. Let's do it again.

What do I gotta
practice? It was perfect.

What do I do next?

Right, we'll concentrate
on the hard sh*ts.

Suppose you hit the
ball and it lands on a hill.

Yeah? All right.

That's a little difficult.

Why should that
sh*t be any different

than any other sh*t?

Because your left foot is gonna
be higher than your right foot.

You're sh**ting uphill.

Here.

Put your left
foot on that there.

All right.

Beautiful, beautiful.

I don't see any different in
that sh*t than the other one.

Wait a minute,
that was a small hill.

We're approaching
a bigger hill now.

All right, put your
foot on that there.

That's the approach.

Straighten the left arm. Relax.

Beautiful.

See, it's the same
to me, Norton.

Now you hit the ball
on a big, big mountain.

Wait a minute, wait a minute!

Who am I playing golf with?
Mr. Harper or a mountain goat?

Just let me practice the swing.

Get that stuff outta here.

Just practicing playing golf.

Oh, is that what it is?

I thought it was football,

the way your
backfield was in motion.

It's great to have a wife with
a sense of humor, Norton.

She does get off with a
good one now and then.

Aw, shut up!

I'm sorry I went to the movies.

I could have seen a
better show right here.

Yeah, well the show's over,

the curtain came down
and the audience is filing out.

Now file into the
bedroom and stay in there!

Ralph, will you be sensible?

You can't learn to
play golf in one night.

It takes months, years.

Get a load of her.
Months, years.

Already I'm hitting
'em uphill and downhill

and every other
way. I can't do it.

You can't discourage me, Alice.

I don't care if you
got any confidence...

because I have enough
confidence in me for the both of us.

You got enough everything
in you for the both of us.

How'd you like to go sailing
over the clubhouse, huh?

Now I know why people play golf.

It's not 'cause
they like this game.

It's just to get away
from their wives.

That's why they play.

You're getting all tense again.

I'm getting all tense.

Listen, relaxation is essential
to a good game of golf.

I can't relax! She upset me.

Well, you gotta relax.

Well, I am relaxed!

What do you want me to do?

Sign an affidavit with a
notary republic or something?

All right, let's get
back to the business

of learning how
to play the golf.

Now then... There it is.

Let's go through
it, step by step.

Make the approach.

Plant your feet
firmly on the ground.

Head down. Eyes on the ball.

Relax, that's it.

Keep your left arm straight.

Your right arm straight. Relax.

Lower your right shoulder.

Go!

Come on now, Ralph.
Eat your breakfast.

You're gonna be late for work.

I can't eat, Alice. I can't!

Boy, I really got
myself into it this time.

Me and my big mouth.

What am I gonna do?

I can't tell Harper I broke
my arm or something.

Then I won't be
able to go to work.

I won't get my money.

What am I gonna do, Alice?

Ralph, why do you get
yourself into spots like this?

You want to know why, Alice?

I'll tell you why.

It's because I have a big mouth!

That's why, a big mouth!

I learned my lesson this time.

I learned it this time.

Never again will I brag. Never!

Yes?

Ralph Kramden?

Oh, yes, sir. How
are you, Mr. Douglas?

Come right in.

Well, I see you know me, huh?

Oh, certainly. Alice,
this is Mr. Douglas.

He's one of vice presidents
of the Gotham Bus Company.

How do you do, Mrs.
Kramden? How do you do?

Kramden, I'm sorry
to intrude at this hour,

but I just left Mr. Harper
in the hospital,

and he asked me to
drop by and see you.

Mr. Harper is in a hospital?

Oh, yes, nothing
serious, really.

He slipped and chipped
a bone in his ankle.

Chipped a bone in his ankle?

I mean, he chipped
a bone in his ankle?

You mean he won't be
able to play golf Sunday?

I'm afraid not. The doctor says

he won't be able to play
for about a couple of months,

so he asked me to
drop by and tell you

how sorry he was
to disappoint you.

Boy, that's great.

I mean, that's... What
a disappointment this is!

Gee, I was all ready to play
golf with him Sunday, too.

Wasn't I, Alice?

I was practicing uphill sh*ts,

downhill sh*ts,
ready to go, you know.

Well, Mr. Harper tells
me you're quite a golfer.

Championship caliber, huh?

I don't like to brag...

Just like the guys down
at the bus company...

They say if you put a club
in my hand, I'm dynamite!

As a matter of fact, while
we're out there playing Sunday,

I was gonna give Harper
a couple of, you know...

tips, pointers.

Yeah, well, I guess you
can't have everything

the way you want it these days.

Well, I tell you,
as a matter of fact,

Mr. Harper gave me
the solution this morning.

He suggested
that I take his place

and play with you.

So, you see, the
arrangements are still the same.

Well, I'm awfully glad to
have met you, Mrs. Kramden.

So long, Kramden. We
tee off tomorrow at ten.

Well, Alice, you
gotta admit one thing.

I got a big mouth!