01x16 - Oh, My Aching Back

[bunniefuu]

Oh, Alice!

Alice?
Trix.

Yeah.
You all set to go?

Yeah, I'm waiting
for my brother-in-law.

He's going to pick me up.

Oh, good, how long you
going stay at your sister's?

Oh, just till
tomorrow afternoon.

Say, Alice I cleaned out
my refrigerator

and it's defrosting now.

I was wondering
if you would go up
tomorrow morning

and turn it
back on for me?

Oh, sure.

I'd ask Norton to do
it for me,

but every time he looks
into an empty icebox,

it makes him cry.

Oh.
Oh, look, I'll give
you the key.

Here it is.

All right, I'll have Ed
for dinner tomorrow night.

Oh, good.
I wish I could have
him tonight, Trix,

but we're going over
to my mother's for supper.

Oh.
See, the whole family's
gathering

'cause my Uncle Leo's in town
from Utica.

You mean, Ralph's going along
to your mother's with you?

Well, he said he was,

but I think that was just
to keep everything calm

until he goes
into his act.
His act?

Oh, sure. He knows
we're supposed to leave

as soon as he gets home.
Yeah.

But if I know my Ralph,

the minute he comes
through that door,

you're gonna see the most
exhausted, worn-out man
in the world.

He's gonna say, "Alice,
in all my 15 years

of driving a bus, this is
the worst day I ever had."

Then he'll drag his weary body
over and collapse in this chair.

And say, "Oh, never
thought I'd make it."

Then to top it all off,
Trixie, he'll probably say,

"I wish I could go to your
mother's with you, honey,

but I'm afraid you'll just
have to go without me."

Oh, you're exaggerating.

No, that's the way it goes.

Oh... Think
that's terrible.

In all of 15 years
that I have been driving a bus,

this is the worst day
I have ever had in my life.

Oh.

I never thought
I'd make it.

Hiya, Trix.
Hi.

Alice...

I'd love to go with you
to your mother's tonight,

but I'm afraid you'll
have to go by yourself.

Ralph, you can't stay home here.

I have nothing
prepared for supper.

Doesn't make any difference;
I'm too tired to eat anyway.

I'm going in, put some water
on my face before I collapse.

Don't worry about me eating.

I haven't got the energy
to pick up a fork.

Hmm. My boy is too tired to eat.

Mm-hmm.

In exactly ten seconds,
he's gonna yell out here,

"Alice, any leftovers from
last night's supper?"

One, two, three, four...

five, six, seven, eight...

nine, ten.

Alice, any leftovers from
last night's supper?

He sure sticks
to the script.

He sure does.

( horn honks )

That must be
my brother-in-law.

Harvey! Harvey,
I'll be right down.

Alice,
I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay, Trix,
have a wonderful time.
Oh, I will. Thanks.

Give my love
to your sister.

Bye-bye, dear.
Bye-Bye.

Didn't you hear me?
I asked if you had

any leftovers
from last night's supper.

Ralph, we're eating
at my mother's.

I told you, I am not
going to your mother's.

I'm too tired and I got
to get to bed early.

You'll still get to bed early.

We'll go to mother's,
eat supper and come right home.

Now, you know I'm not
that kind of a man.

I'm not the kind
that eats and runs.

Eats and runs?

The way you eat,
you're lucky if you can walk.

Ho, ho.

If I wasn't tired,
would you get yours.

You're not tired, Ralph.

You're just putting on an act

'cause you want me to go
to my mother's without you.

And I know why.
You're going somewhere.

You're absolutely right,
I am going somewhere.

I'm going right to bed,
and do you know why?

Because tomorrow at 8:00,

I got to take
my annual physical
for the bus company.

That's why!

Ha-ha! You finally
came up with a new one.

A new one, huh?

You think it's a lie? Huh?

All right,
there's the card,

telling me
to report at 8:00.

Maybe you'll believe me
from now on.

Oh, Ralph, I'm so sorry.

Maybe I should get you
something hot for your supper.

No, that's all right.

I don't want
anything special.

I am too tired to eat.

Uh, you go ahead,
don't worry about me.

You sure
you'll be all right?

I'll be okay.

All right, sweetie,
Well, I'll be home early anyway.

Don't rush on my account.
It's okay.

All right. Bye-bye.

Norton!

Come on down!

Well, Ralphie boy,
tonight is the night.

We take the Bayonne team,

we'll be the bowling champs
of the whole Racoon Lodge.

Don't worry, pal,
we'll win.

Well, we better.

That Bayonne bunch
has been riding us

ever since they won
the National Racoon
Mambo Championship.

They wouldn't have won that

except some guy slipped in
a Spade Cooley record.

Well, tonight is
gonna be different.

Yeah, you don't know
how close I came

to having to go with
Alice to her mother's.

That's your fault,
your fault.

Keep making up alibis,
excuses and everything.

Why don't you just put
your foot down and say,

"Alice, I'm going bowling."

Get a load
of who's talking.

How about the night
that Trixie insisted

that you go with her
to her mother's house?

The night we were
gonna play pool?

Well, we ended up
playing pool, didn't we?

Yeah. You and me
against her and her mother.

Ha-ha, well, I'll
never forget

that shellacking we
took that night.

Yeah, let's go.

Oh, wait a minute,
Ralph.

Before we go, before
we get with the guys,

I'd just like to
say something to you.

That throughout
this here tournament,

you've been an inspiration
to all of us.

Believe me.

And if we win
this here championship,

it'll be because of you.

Thanks, Norton.

And may I say
that I have a feeling

I'm gonna play tonight like
I have never played before.

Ha-ha, good.

It looked like rain, so
I thought I'd just get my...

Ralph, how could you
do such a thing?

( stammers )

I, uh... I think
I forgot something.

If you need me,
I'll be upstairs.

You knew you were
going bowling all the time.

Look, Alice,
I can't help it!

It's, it's
the big match tonight.

It's the championship game!

If it was any other night,

I'd go with you
to your mother's.

Honest, that's the truth.

I don't know what's
the truth anymore, Ralph.

You came home tonight
and said you were tired.

That was the truth.

You told me you wanted
to go to bed early.

That was the truth.

Then you told me you had
a company physical

to take in the morning.

I suppose that was the truth?

That was the truth,
Alice.

And you've got a company
physical in the morning

and yet you'd go out bowling
and risk passing it?

What do you mean
risk passing it?

What's bowling got
to do with it?

What's bowling got
to do with it?

The last time you went
bowling, you hurt your back

and you couldn't even
straighten up.

That was not on account
of bowling.

It was on
account of a cold.

That's what you say.

Now, you listen to me, Ralph.
You are not going bowling.

I gotta go, Alice.
I promised the guys!

The guys?
What about me, Ralph?

What about your job?
What about our future?

Listen, Ralph,
if you want to go out
and go bowling tonight,

and take a chance on
hurting your back,

and jeopardizing your job
and everything else

without passing
that physical,

well, then just
go right ahead and do it.

You're a grown man now.

There's nothing
I can do about it.

Aah.

Norton!

Norton.

What do you want, Ralph?

Call up Schultz,

tell him he's gonna
play instead of me.

I'm not going.

But, Ralph, we'll lose!

I'm not going.

Well, are you satisfied?

You wanna go
with me, now, Ralph?

No, I don't want
to go with you.

I'm going to bed.

All right.

Have a good time.

Ralph. Listen to me, Ralph.

You got to play with us.
Schultz can't bowl tonight.

He's got to work tonight.

There's not a guy in the club
that can bowl over 100.

Come on, will ya?!

I am not going.

( sighs )

Well, I, uh... I'm not
saying you should, Ralph.

But if you're not
going bowling,

I think you probably got a very
good reason for not going.

I have a great reason
for not going,

and I'm not going.

I-I'm sure you have
got a good reason.

Well, I guess that, uh,

we just have to face it.

Without you
bowling tonight,

we're gonna get b*at.

Well, you'll just have
to get b*at, that's all.

Yeah. Well, I guess
it ain't the end of the world.

Fell-Fellas will get over
their disappointment,

sooner or later.

I'll tell 'em that
the reason you're
not bowling

is that you just made
up your mind

not to go bowling.

And it's got nothing
to do with Alice,

that you're not afraid of her.

'Cause I happen to know
you're not afraid of Alice.

That you just made a decision,
and a man of your caliber,

when he makes a decision,

nothing in this world
and nobody can change it.

Ah, Eddie Malloy's bride-to-be
is gonna be there tonight.

'Course the wedding
may not come off

when she sees the shellacking
he's gonna get.

Herman Gruber has, uh,
set up a nice victory
feed for us.

Three kinds of pizza.

Pig's knuckles
and sauerkraut.

And that Neapolitan
knockwurst...

that you like so much.

But I guess he'll be
able to unload that

on the Bayonne bunch.

Freddy's gonna
take it tough, too.

His 73-year-old mother is
coming over from Kinazee.

It's a shame that she has
to see her boy get b*at.

Well, you made up your mind
not to go bowling, that's it.

I guess you can't win 'em all.

So long... pal.

T... ah!

I knew that Neapolitan
knockwurst would get you.

( laughs )

Let's go, pal.

( moaning )

Easy does it.

Easy, watch it.

Easy.
Aah.

Lower, easy.

Aah.
Easy.

Aah!

Ralph, how... is there
anything I can get ya?

A glass of water?

Aah!

Would you say
that was "yes," or "no"?

Ralph, I can't tell you
how sorry we are.

After all you did
for us tonight,

we'd never have been
able to b*at Bayonne
and win the championship

if it hadn't
have been for you.

Did you get
the doctor on the phone?

Yeah, yeah, he said if there's
no complications,

it sounds to him like
a simple wrenched back.

Now, if Ralph sleeps
on a heating pad all night,

it could be gone in the morning.

But if it doesn't go away,

he wants you to come and see him
in the morning.

Aah!

Look, look,
let me take care of him.

Will you fellas go?

I-I...
Okay.

He's in my hands.
Take it easy, Ralph.

Take care of yourself.
Easy does it.

So long,
don't slam the door.

Easy.

How are you, pal?

I'm dying.

My back is k*lling me.

I got to do something
about my back, Norton,
before Alice gets here.

She's gonna know
I was bowling.

I know, I know, that's why
I got rid of the guys.

I didn't want them
to find out about
the Alice situation.

I didn't want them
to get the impression
that you're afraid of Alice.

This is serious, Norton.

It's not only
that my back hurts,

but I'm half hot
and I'm half cold.

Yeah?

My head's red-hot
and my feet are ice-cold.

You know what it is to have
a hot head and cold feet?

I know how it is.

I get that way any August day
in the sewer

when it's high tide.

Hot... very cold down there.

Now, just take it easy.
Take it easy.

You're all over-worked
from excitement and shock.

I don't feel
good, Norton.
I'm burning up.

Hey, I'll take your temperature.
You got a thermometer?

Yeah, it's in the drawer.

Now, then, when I take
this temperature,

when you find out
you ain't got no fever,

then your mind
will be relieved.

'Cause if you haven't
got no temperature,

then nothing's wrong with you.

Wait a minute.

Come on, Norton!

Wait.

Just hold it there,
that's all.

Just hold it there.

That's it.

We'll know
in a little while.

Just hold it there
in your mouth.

( angry mumbling )

I was just a little hungry,
Ralph, that's all.

How can you eat when
I'm in dire pain like this?

Don't get excited,
will ya?

Let me find out if
you got a fever.

If you don't have a fever,
then your mind'll be relieved,

and we'll put
the heating pad on,

and just like the doc says,
you'll be all right.

In the morning you'll be
your own, fat, jolly self.

Let me see here.

Well, what is it, Norton?

Wait a minute.
I'm trying to see it
in the light.

I got to find that
the little red line...

Wait a minute.

Hey, uh, Ralph,
what's the normal temperature?

Around 98, isn't it?

98.6.

What would you say
a, uh, a bad temperature is?

102, 103.
What is it, Norton?

What is my temperature?

What's my temperature,
Norton?!

( screaming ):
111!

Give me that.

Hundred and eleven?

Why'd it have
to be you?

Prime of life.

Can't see the red thing.

Here, wait a minute.

Here, right there.

Norton?

What?

Did you do that
when you looked
at the thermometer?

Yeah, I couldn't see it.

I had trouble seeing it,
so I had to hold up the light...

Ralph, that-that means
you don't have 111!

You're gonna be around...
Aah!

I'm sorry.
Will you stop that?!

You're gonna be all right.

Now, we'll put
the heating pad on.

You'll be just as good as new,
just like the doc said.

I can't put
any heating pad on.

Alice sees a heating pad,
she'll know I been bowling.

I got to do something,
Norton.

Hey, wait a minute,
I think I got an idea.

Trixie's away overnight.

Come up to my place,
be my guest,

you can have the heating pad
on all night.

What excuse am I going
to give Alice

for staying up
there all night?

Wait a minute.
What?

Does Alice know that
Trixie's away?

Oh, yeah, sure, she knows.

She knows that
you're all alone?
Yeah.

Remember that sleepwalking
att*ck you had?

Yeah, so what?

Alice still
remembers that.

Now, look, as soon as
Alice gets home,

you'll be upstairs.

You come down here
like you're walking
in your sleep, see?

Yeah.

I say to Alice,
"Isn't that a shame,
Trixie isn't home.

"He's all alone, he's
liable to k*ll himself,

walk off a building
or something."

Then I'll say, "I better
go upstairs with him

and keep an eye
on him all night."

And then that way we can
put the sleeping pad on

and everything
will be all right.

Boy, oh, boy,
what a brain, Ralph.

I'm tellin...
The plans you think up,

this city is lucky to have you
on this side of the law.

( laughs )
Look.

I better get on my feet
and straighten up a bit,

so she doesn't notice
anything's wrong
when she comes in.

Yeah, that's it.

( low groan )

Ah.

How's that look?
Does that look natural?

Well, it looks all right

if you're practicing to be
an airplane spotter.

Here, let me help you.

( screams )

Will you stop that?!

I'm sorry, Ralph, but the way
you were standing there,

you looked like
the leaning tower of pizza.

Pisa! Pisa!

It may be pisa, I know
pizza when I see it.

Norton, will you go
upstairs

and get ready
to come down here?

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

When do I come down,
how do I know when to come down?

Yeah.

Look, when I want you
to come down,

I'll make believe
that I want to see
how the weather is out,

and I'll go to the window

and say,
"It looks like rain."

That'll be your cue
to come down.

"It looks like rain,"
okay.

Now, uh, Ralph,
now that your troubles
are almost over,

do you mind if I make a small
withdrawal from the icebox?

I certainly do.

I don't want you
near that icebox.

Now, will you
get upstairs?

Okay.

I'll see if Ralph's
asleep, Uncle Leo.

Well, I sure hope he isn't.

I'd hate to leave town
without seeing Ralph.

Uh-huh.

Oh, Ralph, you're still up.

Yeah.
Look who's here.

Uncle Leo.

Hi, Uncle Leo.
Hello, Ralph!

Say, I'm mighty glad I don't
have to go back to Utica

without saying "hello"
to my favorite nephew.

Ralph, it's good
to see you!

Ralph, wasn't it nice
of Uncle Leo to drive me home

so he could see you?

Just great.

When was the last time
I saw you, Ralph?

Oh, about a year ago.

Ha-ha, you haven't
changed a bit.

No, sir, still
the same old Ralph.

It's good to see you!

( moans quietly )

Now, remember, you kids
have got to come up to Utica

sometime around Christmas.

Aunt Sara will just
love to have you.

Well, good night, Alice.
Good night.

Good-bye, Ralph!

( bellows )

Ralph, what happened?

Baby, nothing.
I was just yawning.

Yawning?
I'm tired.

Sounded like feeding time
at the zoo.

Come on, Ralph,
let's get to bed.

Uh, uh, before
I go to bed,

I'd like to check on
the weather a little bit.

Check on the weather?

Yeah, I want to see
if it's raining out or not.

Paper said it might rain.

Whoa! It certainly
looks like rain tonight!

Well, Ralph,

now that the whole neighborhood
knows that it looks like rain,

what do you say
we go to bed?

All right, I'll be right in.

You have to get up early
in the morning, you know.

You gotta take
that exam tomorrow.

I'll be there.
Come on.

Whoa!

Must be walking in
his sleep again, Alice.

Oh, Ralph,
this is terrible.

He did it once before,
do you remember?

Yeah, what should I do?

Well, you can't
wake him up.

It's very dangerous to
awaken a sleepwalker.

It is?
Yes.

Well, gee, Trixie shouldn't
leave him alone like this.

When he's like that,
No.

he's liable to walk off
a building or something.

You know, maybe I ought
to follow him

and go upstairs with him

and keep an eye on him
all night?

That's a good idea, Ralph.
I'll get your pajamas.

That's fine.

Hey, Ralph.

There's nothing up
in my icebox.

Can't I get
something to eat?

My stomach is going...
Stay out of the icebox!

Ralph.

I brought you
your robe, too.

Thank you very much.

Because I thought you might
get chilly upstairs.

All right, sweetheart.
Oops, there he goes.

Ralph.

Don't forget to stop down
for your lunch box,

because I've got a load of
fried chicken in the icebox.

Oh, I'll be down.

Hi, Alice.

Oh! Hiya, Trix.

Did you have a good time
at your sister's?

Oh, wonderful, Alice.

But tell me,
did you finally get Ralph

to go to your mother's
with you?

No, I didn't. He wanted
to stay home

and get a good
night's sleep

because he had to take
a company physical
this morning.

Well, that's sensible.

Yes, but you know
what I found out?
Huh?

He was planning to sneak out
and go bowling last night.

You mean,
he was gonna go bowling

before a physical
with his bad back?

That's right.
Oh.

But as soon as I found out,
I put my foot down

and I said,
"You just stay home."

Well, that's what
you got to do, Alice.

Believe me, these
men we're married to,

you just gotta
treat 'em like children.

( knocking )
I know. Wait a minute.

Come in.

Hiya, Alice.
Hi, Fred.

Hello, Trix, how are ya?
Ralph in?

Ralph, no, he's not
home from work yet.

Well, then he was able
to go to work today, huh?

Of course.

Oh, his back must
be better, huh?

His back?

Yeah, when we left last night,

his back was hurting him
so much,

we thought maybe he
couldn't work today.

Alice, you should really
be proud of him.

Without him,
we couldn't have won

the bowling tournament
last night.

The bowling tournament?

Sure, as a matter of fact,
Alice,

that's why we came over here.
Tell her, Charlie.

Well, Mrs. Kramden, uh,
would you tell Ralph

that, uh, on behalf
of the Raccoons

we'd like to, uh,
like to offer him

this player of the year trophy

for his outstanding achievement
in last night's tournament.

Boy, I'd, uh,
I'd like to see

the expression on his face
when he sees this.

Yeah. Oh, Alice,
as soon as he comes home,

will you be sure he gets it?

Oh, he'll get it,
all right.

Night, Alice.
Night.

Say hello to Ed for us.
Yeah.

Well, how do you
like that, Trixie?

Well, like I said,
children.

Yeah. I'm telling you,
trying to fool me

when he said that he was going
to go right to bed

and get a good night's sleep.

And he went bowling,
hurt his back...

Oh. Hiya, Trix.
I just was up...

Hi, yeah, I got to
get upstairs.

Oh, boy. Bye, Alice.
I'll see you later.

All right, Trixie.

Hi, hon.

Hi, Ralph. How did
everything go?

Oh, Fine, passed
the physical with
flying colors.

I'm so glad.
Now, wasn't I right

to tell you not to go
bowling last night, Ralph?

Yep, you sure were.
No, uh, is there
anything to eat?

Because, you know,
if you'd gone bowling,
you might've hurt your back.

Well, I might've at that.

You know, can't
argue with logic.

What're we gonna have
to eat, now?

I know how much you
enjoy bowling, too, Ralph.

Well, you know...

But it's just a game
and driving a bus is
your livelihood.

That's right, if it's
a toss-up between the two...

Yeah.
What have we
got to eat now?

Gee, it must be a terrible
disappointment to a team,

Ralph, when the star player
doesn't show up.

Yeah, I guess they just
have to go ahead and lose.

By the way, what happened
with your team last night
when you didn't show up?

I guess they lost.

Uh, what's for supper?

They couldn't win
without you?

I don't think so.
No.

Well, I'm glad you made
your decision

last night, Ralph,
and stuck to it.

Thank you, is there anything
to eat now? I'd like to eat.

I know that if you had to make
that decision again,

you would make the same
decision you made last night
wouldn't you, Ralph?

Positively, absolutely
and certainly.

Now, can I please
have my supper?

What's for supper?

Why don't you start
with this?