01x22 - Here Comes the Bride

[bunniefuu]

( all laughing and talking
at once )

Brother Racoons,
Brother Racoons,

quiet, please, quiet.

Whoo, here he is.

Brother Racoons,

as you know, we are gathered
here for a very sad occasion.

We are throwing this farewell
party for one of our Brothers.

Brother Saxon, here,

who, tomorrow night,
is walking the last mile.

( all chuckle )

because tomorrow night
at this time,

Brother Saxon will be...

a married man.

( all jeering )

Now, I think it only
fitting and proper

that we call on Brother Saxon
to say a few words now,

because this may be
the last time

he ever has a chance to
open his mouth again!

( all laughing )

I, uh, I know...
You look a little
pale already!

Don't worry about him.
Go ahead, Brother.

I know that all of you
Brothers must have been joking

about the things you said
about marriage tonight.

I'm very happy.

( all laughing )

That's 'cause you
ain't married yet.

Wait till tomorrow!

( all laugh )

You are a riot,
I'm telling you!

Oh! Oh, hmm.

( clears throat )

I think it only proper that,

being he's gonna be
a relative of mine shortly,

I should say a few words
at such an occasion.

Gentlemen, I'm sorry to say

that I feel very sad tonight,

because I'm largely responsible
for the predicament

that he's gonna be in
starting tomorrow.

You see, I introduced him
to my sister-in-law, Agnes.

So it is obviously
my fault,

because you can see that he
doesn't know what he's doing.

Oh, I'm very happy.

There you are, that
proves it. He's stoned.

Well, there is a silver
lining to this cloud.

However, I think that
I end up with most

of the silver in this cloud.

You see, he's marrying
my wife Alice's sister.

So therefore, he's gonna have
the golden opportunity

of sharing that sweet, dear
old mother-in-law of mine!

( all cheering and laughing )

Gentlemen...

with your kind indulgence,
Brother Racoons,

I'd like to propose
a toast to Brother Saxon.

A toast.

Here is to you,
Brother Saxon.

May your life be
rosy and bright.

If you'll take the advice
from an old married man,

you will get out
of town tonight!

( all cheer )

And now, Brother Racoons,

now that the dinner
and the speech-making is over,

I propose that we go
into the club rooms

for a little entertainment.

ALL:
Hear, hear!

( laughing )

Stanley, you look
a little frightened.

Well, don't worry.
We were only kidding you, pal.

Married life's
a great institution.

It's all how
you look at it.

You and Agnes all
set up with the apartment?

Well, uh, not yet, Ralph.

We won't need one for awhile.

You see, when we come back
from our honeymoon,

we're gonna move in with
Agnes's mother and father.

You're what?!

We're gonna move in with
Agnes's mother and fath...

You can't do that,
Stanley!

You'll be making the biggest
mistake of your life!

Take it from me, I know!

When Alice and I got married,
we moved in with them, you know.

Just for a short while,

till I got on my feet
and got straightened out.

They were six of the most
miserable years

I ever spent in my life!

You won't be allowed to make
one decision by yourself.

And they'll keep telling you

that you're only
a guest in the house.

I don't know, Ralph.

They seem like nice people.

They seem like nice peo...?

Sure, they seem like
nice people!

Now they seem like
nice people.

Boris Karloff seems like
a nice guy

when he's dancing on the Red
Skelton show, too, you know.

You ever see him
in Frankenstein?

That's the real Karloff!

And you'll meet
the real relatives

when you move
into that house.

But it's too late
now, Ralph.

Agnes has already
made up her mind.

Agnes has made up
her mind?

Agnes has made up
her mind!?

( laughing ):
Agnes has made...

What's the matter
with you, Stanley?

This is the USA,
the 20th century.

She made up her mind.

Who cares if she
made up her mind?

Don't forget,
you are the king.

Because a man's home
is his castle.

And in that castle,
you're the king.

You're the king
of your castle!

Hear, hear, hear!

But Agnes was... Agnes was
very definite about it, Ralph.

I don't want to argue.

Well, if you don't
want to argue,

what're you
getting married for?

Stanley, if you take
my advice,

tomorrow afternoon,
when Agnes says, "I do,"

that is the last decision
you allow her to make.

From there on in,
show her who wears the pants.

Now, a little toast
to Stanley...

All right.

Who is the king
of his castle!

To the king!
To the king!

Ralph, I can't get over what
a lovely bride Agnes made.

Ralph?

Ralph?

RALPH:
Go ahead and laugh!

Go ahead, Garrity,
laugh all you want.

For your information,
I did not rent this
from an undertaker.

Boy...

I want to
tell you something.

The neighbors that live in
this house certainly k*ll me.

You'd think they never saw
anybody in a top hat before.

Oh, they're just
jealous, Ralph,

'cause you look so good.

You can say that again.

I was just thinking,
Ralph,

what a beautiful
bride Agnes made.

Yeah, she did at that.

Well, why shouldn't she?

She's been practicing
for 20 years.

I never saw a dame
so anxious

to get married
in all my life.

Ralph, how can
you talk like that?

Agnes had plenty of chances.

Stanley wasn't the only one

who wanted her
to get married.

There were plenty of others.

Oh, sure there were.

Sure there were
plenty of others.

I can name three myself.

Her mother, her father,
and the caterer.

I didn't mean that, Ralph,
and you know it.

My pearls are caught again.

Agnes was just waiting

for the right fellow
to come along.

She was... waiting for
the right fellow?

( laughs )

Waiting for
the right fellow.

Did you see what she did
at the reception?

Threw away her bouquet,

and from force of habit,
she ran and caught it herself.

She did not!

She didn't, huh?

No, her foot slipped.

Her foot slipped?

Wish my foot
could slip like that.

I'd be playing center field
for the New York Giants.

All right, Ralph,
that's enough about Agnes.

She's married now and
she's very happy.

Yeah, you're right, sweetie.

She is happy.

She sure is in love with
that Stanley, too,

and he's in love with her.

That's the main thing.

It's like you and me, see?

We have our arguments
and everything,

but you know
that I love you,

and I know that you love me.

That's right, sweetheart.

That's all that counts.

I'm gonna make some coffee,
Ralph, you want some?

Nah, I'm tired.
I didn't think that reception

was going
to last that long.

I'm going to bed.

Oh, and by the way,
I'm gonna put this in the box.

The first thing
in the morning,

take it back to McCloud's,

because if I have it one minute
after noontime,

I gotta pay a whole day on it.

All right.

Take it right back.
I will, Ralph.

( knocking on door )

Come in.

( knocking continues )

Agnes!

( sobbing )

What's the matter?

Oh, he's a beast!

Stanley's a beast, Alice!

We just had the most
terrible fight.

Well, what happened?

( sobbing )

Oh, now, come on, Agnes.

Now, crying's not gonna
do any good at all.

Hey, what is
she doing here?

Please, Ralph,

Agnes and Stanley have
just had a terrible fight.

A fight? Already?

At least we waited till
we got on the train.

Oh, Stanley's
a beast, Ralph.

He's a beast.

I don't know what
ever came over him.

He was such a nice, quiet man.

Anything I said,
he thought was wonderful.

And now he's a...
he's a... he's a beast!

Well, what did he do?

Well, after the reception,
he just changed.

He suddenly started
talking crazy.

He said we're not going
to move in with mother,

and that he was king
of the castle,

and then he said...

something crazy!

Something like
Boris Karloff

dancing
on the Red Skelton show!

About this being
the 20th century!

Why, Ralph, what
do you suppose

made Stanley
change like this?

What are you
asking me for?

How do I know
what made him change?

Think I had something
to do with it?

Don't be silly, Ralph.

It's just that
he's a friend of yours.

Alice, can I stay
here for the night?

I'm too ashamed
to go home to Mom and Dad's.

Now, wait a minute, Agnes,
you're married now,

and no matter what, your place
is with your husband.

He's a beast.

I never want to see him
again as long as I live.

Well, as long as you
feel like that,

maybe you better
stay overnight.

I tell you what, you and I
can take the bedroom,

and Ralph can
sleep out here.

That's right, sweetie,

you go ahead in there...

Wait a minute!

You're going where?
I can sleep where?

Oh! All men are beasts!

Please, Ralph.

Now, that's enough,
now, Agnes.

I'll loan you
one of my nightgowns

and you better
get right to bed.

Oh, dear,
there's only one left.

The rest are in the laundry.

Tell you what,
you take this

and I'll wear a pair
of Ralph's pajamas.

On, thanks, Alice.

All right, Miss Dorothy Dix,
fixer of marriage problems.

Fix my sleeping problems!

Well, why don't you bring
the cot up from the cellar?

I can't, because the cot
is busted in the cellar.

Well, Ralph, can't you sleep
on something out here?

Sure I can, sure.

I'll bring the bed from
in there, put it out here.

Then I'll sleep out here!

Don't worry, there's plenty
of places to sleep here.

Ha! I can sleep in the sink,
if you want me.

Not only can I get
a good night's sleep,

but I can wash up
at the same time!

Even sleep in the oven
or in the icebox.

I got it! I'll sleep with
my head in the oven

and my feet in the icebox.

Then I'll have a hot head
and cold feet!

Just to lose the monotony, I'll
switch around every hour or so.

Ralph, it's only for a night.

Now, by tomorrow morning, Agnes
will see things differently.

This is a very crucial point
in their marriage, Ralph.

Why...?!
If we send her back
to Stanley now,

she may never get over this.

Why must we always
get people together?

Why doesn't somebody
get us together?

Why do I have to
sleep in the kitchen?

Well, Ralph, if you don't
want to do that,

there's only one other thing
that I can think of to do.

Well, if you got
something else to do,

tell me and we'll do it.

All right, we'll just
put our coats on

get dressed and go over
and talk to Stanley

and find out what
made him change

and started
this whole thing.

All right, let's go.

We'll go over and we'll put it
to him, "What made you...?"

Go ahead to bed.

Ralph, you just said...

Go to bed.

I got a big mouth!

( grumbles )

ALICE:
I'll put some
coffee on now, Agnes.

You just stay right in bed
and rest a while.

AGNES:
Oh, thank you, Alice!

Ralph.

Ralph!
Yes?

Time to get up.

Mm-hmm.

Time to get up!

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

We gotta do something
about this mattress, Alice.

It's m*rder.

You don't have to get up yet.

I'll put the coffee on.

I'll go in the kitchen.

( groans softly )

( tumbling down stairs )

Ralph!

What happened?

I fell down the stairs!

That's what happened.

What is the bedroom
doing in the kitchen?

Ah-ha!

Has she gone?

Alice, could I borrow
one of your dresses?

Oh, sure, Agnes,
try the blue one.

I think that one
will fit you.

Yeah, you can wear one of
my suits, too, if you want.

Hey, there, Ralphie boy!

What's the good word?

Well, I guess Agnes
and Stanley

are up in Niagara
falls now, huh?

Yeah? Well, if Stanley's up
there, he's up there alone.

She's here. Agnes
is in the bedroom.

Agnes is here?

They had an argument,
a big fight,

right after the reception.

Boy, let me tell
you something,

I-I heard of husbands and wives
taking separate vacations.

This is the first time

I ever heard
of separate honeymoons.

They're not
on their honeymoon.

They had a fight,
I'm telling you.

She's got to get
out of here.

Well, now, look, is she gonna
leave here or is she gonna stay?

I'm afraid she's not
gonna leave, Ralph.

And the way she's talking,

she never wants to go back
to Stanley again.

She never... what, do I got
to sleep in the kitchen

for the rest of my life?

Please, Ralph,
she's going through

a terrible ordeal right now.

She's gonna come out here
any second.

Now, please, whatever you do,

don't do anything
to upset her.

Just try and say
something pleasant--

something that might cheer
her up a little bit.

And you, too, Ed.

Alice, you can count on me.

Oh! Well, don't you
look nice, Agnes!

Yeah, boy,
you look nice.

Well! Ha, ha, ha.
Hello, Agnes.

By the way, I ain't
seen you since the wedding.

Congratulations.

( wailing )

What's the matter
with you?

Well, Alice said to be
cheerful, didn't she?

Oh, it's not his fault,
Ralph.

It isn't, huh?

Well, something's
got to be done.

And she's got to
get out of here,

I'm telling you that.

What did they
fight about?

Why don't you
tell me.

Maybe I can think
of something.

What did they fight about?
"What did
they fight about?"

Ed, that is the strange part
about this whole thing.

You know what a quiet
and mild person

Stanley's always been
all his life.

Well, do you know that right
after the wedding, he changed?

Nobody knows
what happened to him.

They got in an argument
over moving in with my mother,

and he absolutely refused.

Then he started to
rant and rave and carry on

about how he was gonna wear
the pants in the family,

and he was king
of the castle,

and how man is the boss
in his own...

Hey, hey, ho,
wait a minute.

King of the castle.

That strikes a bell.

Now, wait a minute...

"King..."
I heard that someplace...

Why don't you
go home, Norton?!

No, wait a minute, hey--

"King of the castle."

I heard that someplace.

Now, just a minute.

I'm... If I can think
of where I heard it,

it might clear up
this whole thing.

"King of the castle," I got it
right in the back of my head.

( groans )

What'd you do that for?

You said you had it
in the back of your head.

I was trying
to get it out.

Who cares where you heard it
or what it was?

Doesn't make any difference

what kind
of an argument we had.

Our problem is to
get her back with him.

I got it.

I got it.

First of all, she thinks
Stanley's a beast

because he started to
boss her around. Right?

Right.
Wanna be the master
of the household,

the head of the whole thing.

That's why she thinks
he's a beast, right?

All we have to do

is make Agnes believe that
all husbands are that way,

and she'll think
he's normal

and she won't
think he's a beast.

What are you talking about?

Look, tonight, we invite
Stanley over here for supper.

We don't tell her
anything about it.

Now, I'll come home from work.

As soon as I come in,
I walk right up to you,

and I'll start
giving you orders.

"Do this, do that,
do this, do that."

And you say, "yes, sir," and
"no, sir," and do all that.

She'll see what goes on,

she'll realize
how husbands are,

and she won't think
Stanley's a beast.

Good, good, good,
I-I can help out, too.

I'll come downstairs
a little later,

and I'll say that I gave
Trixie some orders to do,

and she did 'em because
she agrees with me

that a man is boss
of the house, eh?

Beautiful.

Oh, it's the silliest thing
I ever heard of.

It is? Well, if you've got

a little better
solution to this,

go ahead, tell me
about it and we'll do it.

Well, that part of it's
just plain crazy.

I will admit,
it's not such a bad idea

getting the two of them
here together for dinner.

You bet your life
it's a good idea.

And it'll work,
mark my words.

Take it from me.

Listen to him, listen to him,
will you, Alice?

Because a man is
king of his castle.

A man is boss
of the family, and...

I think I know where
I heard it, Ralph.

The king of the castle.

Get out! Out!

What's the matter
with you, Ralph?

What did you chase
him out of here for?

I just don't want him
around here, that's all.

Now, about tonight,

we'll have some roast
beef, mashed potatoes,

we get some peas
and carrots...

Yeah.
Make some of that...

Excuse me, I just wanted to
tell you one thing--

where I heard that line
about "king of the castle."

I heard it in
the Robin Hood motion picture.

Richard the Lionhearted
said it to Friar Tuck! Mmm!

Gee, Alice I didn't know
you were setting the table.

I would've helped you.

Oh, that's all right,
I'm almost finished, anyway.

You set four places.

You having company?

Well, I was gonna tell you
anyhow, Agnes.

( knock on door )

Come in.

( gasps )

Stanley!

Agnes, sweetheart.

I knew this would happen
if you just saw each other.

Oh, Stanley,
I'm so happy.

I never should have left you,
not even for a minute.

Can you ever forgive me?

Forgive you?

It was all my fault,
darling one.

I should never have talked
the way I did, sweetheart.

I never should have
listened to Ralph.

Well, that's all past
now, sweet face.

We're together again,
and that's what counts.

Uh, Stanley,

what was that you just said
about listening to Ralph?

I never should have
listened to him, Alice.

The other night
at the bachelor party,

he was telling me I should
lay the law down

about moving in with
Agnes's mother and father

and that I should let
Agnes know right away

that I was king of the castle
and boss of the family.

How dare he
interfere like that?!

I knew it couldn't be
Stanley's fault.

It's all your husband's
fault, Alice.

Oh, just wait until
he gets home.

Oh, he's a beast!

Well!

I see that you're home.

( chuckles )

I didn't think you'd
get here so soon.

Back together again, eh?

I'll be with you
in a minute.

Now, look here, Alice.

As you know that
this is my house.

I can't see why we should
have any discussion

as to your understanding when
I tell you to do something.

Now, you know it's my house,

you know that
I'm the master of my house,

and being the master
of my house,

I'm the one
that gives the orders.

I gave you an order,

the master gave you
an order this morning.

But as I look around,

I see that my order
from the master

wasn't carried out!

Now, the master's wife
is supposed to obey.

Why didn't you obey
and have my robe

and slippers laid out,

so that when I come home
from a hard day's work,

they're there for me
to slip into conveniently?

Tut, tut, none of you
feeble excuses.

I can see that you're
ashamed of yourself.

The master forgives you.

I'll not say another
word about it.

Just run in there,
get my robe and slippers,

and I'll call
the whole thing off.

The master has spoken.

Now that you've got
your gas bag filled,

why don't you blow away?

What's the matter with you?

Don't talk to
the master like that.

( clenched teeth ):
Go in there and get it!

Ralph Kramden, how dare you
interfere in their marriage?

Putting all those crazy ideas
into Stanley's head.

He has just told me

everything that you told him
at that bachelor party.

I might have known it was
all your fault, Ralph.

I shouldn't have listened
to him, sweetheart.

Oh, it wasn't your
fault, Stanley.

He's been a trouble-maker

ever since he got
into our family.

Well, Ralph, I hope
you're satisfied.

Hi, there, folks.

Hi, Stanley.

So, you're still here, huh?

I wanna talk to you
in just a little while.

First I'd like to
talk to you, Alice.

Trixie said that you
wanted her to go

to the movies
with you tonight.

Well, she can't go
to the movies tonight.

You know why she can't go?

Because I said that
she can't go!

No particular reason,

I said that she can't go,
and I am the boss of my house.

Oh, Stanley!

Oh, Agnes!

Alice, I had no idea
it'd work so fast.

Would you, uh, mind
leaving the premises?

All right.

I see that it's another...

another one
of your well-calculated plans,

that went to pot.

All right.

I did it again.

Did it again
with my big mouth!

I learned a lesson,
though, this time.

A real good lesson.

If there's anything a man
or a woman shouldn't do,

it's get mixed up with
somebody else's marriage.

It's tough enough for young
people to get along today

without somebody
butting their nose in.

Telling 'em how to run it.

They can do it,
everybody else has done it.

They need no help.
Nobody, "do this, do that,

do it this way, do it that way."

They can handle
the whole thing by themselves.

We did it.

We had our arguments.

But we settled them
ourselves.

And do you know why?

Because there was nobody
around to pick and pick

and pick at us, that's why.

Imagine me telling somebody
how to run their marriage.

You know what I'd do

if anybody tried to tell me
how to run our marriage?

Ho, ho! Bang, zoom!

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

I'm sorry.

That's all right, Ralph.

Baby, you're the greatest.