Hi, Alice.
Hi, Trix.
Hey, Alice, are you sure
you gave me Joe Muncie's
number right?
Yeah, I think so.
There's still no answer.
But I got ahold of everybody
else and they're all coming.
They'll be here
tomorrow night at 6:00.
Oh, that's wonderful.
I hope you remembered
to tell Bill Casti
not to breathe a word
of this to Ralph at work.
I want this to
be one birthday
that's really
a surprise for Ralph.
Oh, you don't have
to worry about Bill.
He told me that
if he had his way,
he wouldn't even tell
his wife about the party.
Oh! Well, now, listen,
to make sure that
it doesn't leak out, Trix,
don't even tell Ed.
Ed would be sure
to tell Ralph.
Yeah.
Now, I got my shopping list all
made out for tomorrow morning.
I'm gonna serve sandwiches,
ice cream, coffee, punch,
potato chips, peanuts,
chocolate cake with "Happy
birthday to Ralph" on it...
On second thought, I'd better
make that coconut cake.
Why? Ralph's crazy
about chocolate cake.
That's just it. I bought him
a new belt for his birthday,
and I want to make sure
it fits the day after.
Oh.
Well, you could always
exchange it for a larger size.
There is no larger size.
If this belt
doesn't fit Ralph,
then it's back
to safety pins.
Oh, gee, Alice, the boys
will be coming home pretty soon
from the lodge meeting,
so I got to get back upstairs.
But, look, honey,
if there's anything else
you want me to do for you,
just let me know.
All right. Thanks
a million, Trix.
Okay. Good night, Alice.
'Night.
Hi, hon.
Come on in, Norton.
She's up.
Yeah.
Say, Alice...
How about a little pizza?
Yeah! How about
a little pizza, Alice?
Oh, no, thanks, Ralph.
I'm going to bed.
Going to bed?
Yeah, and Ralph doesn't
want any pizza either.
What do you mean
I don't want any pizza?
I'm hungry!
Ralph, I made you
a very nice salad,
and it's in the icebox.
Now, good night, honey.
Good night, Ed.
Ralph, salad.
Good night.
You, uh... want me to take
this pizza upstairs?
Sort of remove
the temptation?
What do you think I am,
a child or something?
That if anything's in front
of me, I gotta eat it?
Who needs it?
I've got a salad.
Not a bad one, either.
Everything on here
is good for you.
Got carrots for your eyes.
Got beets for your blood.
There's lettuce
for your teeth.
Everything's good.
Everything's good for
something on this plate.
Poor little pizza!
Ain't good for nothing.
Boy... I'm, I'm telling you,
if pizzas were manhole covers,
the sewer would be a paradise.
Will you stop
waving that thing!
I thought you said
it didn't bother you.
It doesn't bother me.
You wanna eat it?
Go ahead and eat it.
Just don't eat it
and enjoy it so much.
You want some pizza?
Yes.
You can't have any.
It's not that I'm selfish,
that I don't want
to give you any.
It's not any good
for you, that's all.
I didn't ask you for half a
pizza or a quarter of a pizza
or even an eighth
of a pizza.
All I want is a teensy-
weensy little piece
to find out what
it tastes like.
Well, all right,
I guess a teensy-weensy
little piece won't hurt.
And what am I gonna
do with that?
What's the matter?
Ain't it enough for you?
You want more?
Yes, I want more!
Aah...
Look, if you wanted
a teensy-weensy piece,
why didn't you ask?
This is
an itsy-bitsy piece.
This is
a teensy-weensy piece.
If you wanted an itsy-bitsy
piece, which is bigger,
then you should have asked.
This is a
teensy-weensy... Sit down
and eat!
Hey.
What?
What do you make of this?
"Sandwiches, ice cream,
coffee...
cake with 'Happy birthday,
Ralph' on it..."
Hey! Looks like you're
gonna have a birthday party.
How about that?
Here's a list of the people
that are gonna be invited.
How about that? She didn't
forget my birthday.
She's even gonna
run me a party.
Yeah!
It's too bad you're not
gonna be here to enjoy it.
What do you mean,
I'm not gonna be here?
You're not invited.
Your name ain't on the list.
How about that?
She's running a surprise
party for me.
I haven't had a surprise
party in my whole life.
Well, it's... it's too bad
you're seeing this, Ralph.
I mean, she went through
a lot of trouble
to order the groceries
and inviting
all these people.
You'll probably
break her heart.
You don't think for one minute
that I'm gonna let her know
that I know that she's
running a party for me, do you?
I gotta make believe
I know nothing about it.
You know, I'll act surprised.
I'll come home tomorrow,
and I'll say, "Oh-ho, whoa!
What a surprise!"
No, no, no,
you don't do...
Look, listen
to me, will you?
You come home tomorrow night,
you open up the door,
there, in front of you
is a sea of faces.
You're flabbergasted,
you get, you get choked
up-- right up to here--
your eyes start
welling up with tears,
you can't talk, you can't
even find your voice,
and then you finally...
Look, let me be you.
I'm coming in
the door there.
You, tomorrow
night, coming in.
Now watch, Ralph, see.
Ah...
( choked up )
( blubbers )
What a surprise!
Will you shut up!
ALICE:
What's all the noise out there?
What's going on?
It's...
Now you woke her up.
It's nothing, Alice.
Nothing at all. Norton was
just showing me something.
Just, uh, just giving him
a little acting lesson,
Alice, when he comes
home tomorrow night.
Shut up!
Nothing! Go to bed, hon.
Shut up and eat your pizza.
Salad?
Ah, as for this room, I think
I'll do the walls in green.
Yes, a nice, cool,
pale green.
Oh! It sounds wonderful.
Believe me, my dear, when I
finish decorating this place,
it'll be a different apartment.
Now, all that remains
is for you to okay my
choice of materials
for the drapes and furniture.
I've got some samples here.
Uh-huh.
Hi, Alice. Oh...
Trix! The most wonderful
thing has happened.
I'm gonna have my whole
apartment redecorated.
No!
Yes!
This is Andre,
he's the interior decorator
from Morgan's
Department Store.
And the most wonderful
thing about it is,
is that it's all gonna
be done for free.
Morgan's Department Store
is gonna do the whole
place for nothing.
Morgan's Department Store
for nothing?
Yes! I went down
to Morgan's this afternoon,
looking around
for some curtain material.
And I was just kind of
browsing around,
and then Andre came over
and he started to ask me
a couple of questions,
and next thing I knew,
he'd offered to decorate
the apartment for nothing.
Well, you see,
it's all part of an
advertising campaign.
Morgan's wants to
show what you can do
with a little money
and a bit
of ingenuity.
Trix, it's gonna be
in the Sunday papers.
Pictures of this apartment,
before and after.
But so soon?
Well, it only takes a day.
They're gonna come in
tomorrow morning
and they'll all be finished
by tomorrow night.
So, we haven't
much time, my dear.
Will you look at
these samples, please?
Oh, well, do we have
to look at them now?
My husband will be
home any minute.
But surely your husband
will be delighted.
Well, that's just it.
I'd like it to be
a surprise for him.
And I hate to ask you this,
but if you don't mind,
but could you come back
a little later,
say, about 8:00?
'Cause my husband goes
bowling tonight.
Alice, Alice, what about
the birthday party tonight?
Oh, I canceled that, Trix.
I called everybody up
and I said, "Make it
tomorrow night."
Oh.
See, with the apartment
redecorated and all,
it'll really be
a surprise for Ralph.
Mm.
All right. I'll be
back around 8:00,
and I'll see you then.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Thanks.
Oh, may I ask, when was this
apartment was decorated last?
When? Uh... oh, it was
about two years ago
when my nephew came in
with an ice cream cone.
Huh. Uh...
Good-bye.
Bye.
Oh, Alice,
isn't he cute?
And such lovely manners.
Yeah.
Ed used to have
manners like that.
Well, so did Ralph.
What's happened to
their manners, anyway?
Don't you know?
They swapped them
for a marriage license.
( chuckling ):
Oh.
Oh, Andre left one
of his gloves.
Oh.
I'd better hide it
'cause I don't want Ralph
to know he's been here.
Yeah.
Say, Alice...
Yeah?
I just put a hem
in that new
dress of mine,
and I was wondering
if you could
come upstairs and see
if I got it straight.
Oh, sure, Trix,
I'll be right up,
but I just want to go in
and take these shoes off
'cause they're k*lling me.
Oh, all right,
look, I'll go up
and get into it first.
You come up
in the meantime.
All right, I'll be right up.
Okay.
( door shuts )
Oh! What a surprise...
Oh, hiya, Ralph.
Hiya.
I'll get your supper
ready for you right away
'cause I know you wanna
go bowling tonight.
What are you
looking around for?
Nothing.
Just seems a little quiet
here, that's all.
Quiet? Why do
you say that?
I don't know.
It just seems quiet.
Well, I should think you'd
be thankful for that, Ralph.
Any man who works as
hard as you do all day
doesn't want to come home
to a noisy apartment.
Yeah. I wouldn't mind it
noisy now and then,
you know, like, once a year.
Well, I've got to run
up to Trix's, Ralph.
Oh.
Oh-oh-oh!
( laughs )
You're going up
to Trixie's, huh?
Yeah.
Want me to
come along?
What for? I'm only gonna
look at the hem on her dress.
Oh. Oh, gotta
look at a hem.
Uh-huh.
All right, I'll
wait down here,
and I'll be ready
when you call me.
♪ Happy birthday, Ralph,
happy birthday to me ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you,
happy... ♪
Whoa!
♪ Happy birthday to you, Ralph ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪
( mutters )
Well, so it's upstairs, huh?
What upstairs?
What's upstairs? What?
The party. The party is
upstairs in your place.
If there's a party upstairs,
what would I be doing
down here dancing with you?
I don't understand.
Now, we saw the list of
the food and the guests
that were supposed to come,
Hey...
and she's all
dressed up.
Hey, there, but...
I think I got it.
You know how?
Yeah.
Alice makes out a list
of the groceries she's
gonna get for the party,
she makes a list out
of the people she's gonna
invite to the party,
and then she lets you find
those lists right here, see?
That's the surprise.
What?
There ain't gonna
be no party!
Get out!
Get out!
Did you go up to Trixie's?
Did you find out anything?
Didn't find out a thing.
I was just down
at Manicotti's.
She doesn't know anything
about a surprise party either.
I don't understand it.
Why should she call
the party off?
And more than the
party, never once
since we've been married
has she ever forgotten
my birthday.
She always gives me
a gift at least.
I know that.
Wait a minute, that
proves there's a party.
What?
That's why she hasn't
given me the gift yet.
She's waiting until
the party starts
before she gives
me the gift.
I'll prove it to you.
I'll find the gift.
Don't worry.
I'll find it.
It's got to be
in here someplace.
Hey! Nice-lookin'
pair of gloves, Ralph.
Where's the other one?
How should I know?
They're not my gloves.
Nah, nah, I guess
they're not your gloves.
The guy that left this here
must be a real
snappy dresser, huh?
What do you mean, "The
guy that left that here"?
Maybe Alice found
it someplace.
Ah, that's right. She probably
found it and brought it home
and stuck it under
the pillowcases there
and put it in the back
of the drawer.
Let me see that.
What would a man be doing
up here in this apartment?
And why should she
hide this glove
under some things
in the drawer?
Wait a minute, wait,
I know just exactly
what you're thinking.
You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.
Alice is true-blue.
You're right, Norton,
I am ashamed of myself.
I don't know what's
the matter with me.
I'm all mixed up
on account of the party,
that's what it is.
That's it.
I should be suspicious of her
looking at another man?
There's a laugh.
With me around?
( laughs )
Ha.
You know, the funny part
about it is,
when she dresses up good,
like she's dressed tonight,
she's the one
that's in danger.
Any guy that sees her,
he's gotta go for her like that.
Oh, sure.
But she'd never
go for anybody.
I'm not suspicious
about her, boy.
Not in the least.
Not the least
suspicious of her.
What are you doing
all dressed up?!
Dressed up?
You mean this old thing?
What do you mean,
"old thing"?
You've only had it
a couple of years.
Why are you
wearing it now?
I decided I'd break it in.
And besides,
Winston Churchill
was here to tea,
and I couldn't greet dear old
Winnie in just anything.
I'll only be
a minute, Ralph.
I gotta match up
some thread for Trixie
and I'll come right down
and fix you supper,
'cause I know that you want
to go bowling tonight.
Uh... what are you gonna do
when I'm out bowling
tonight, Alice?
Same as usual.
Well, uh, I know
that you mean
you'll be all alone
here, and...
but I don't think I should
leave you alone tonight.
I don't think
I'll go bowling.
You won't go...?
But Ralph, you gotta...
Ralph, you go bowling
every Thursday night.
Now, isn't that silly?
You go right ahead
and enjoy yourself.
Don't you worry about me.
I won't be lonely.
There is something strange
taking place in this house.
There's something
funny going on, Norton.
Why should she call
the party off? Why?
Why should she get
all dressed up?
Now, what do we
do from there?
Alice been smoking
cigars lately?
That proves it!
That proves it.
Now we know even more
about him: He wears gloves,
smokes expensive cigars, and
he's got a guilty conscience.
Oh, why don't you shut up?
Just a moment.
Now I know why
she called off the party.
Why?
Because he's coming
here tonight! That's why.
That's why she was so anxious
for me to go bowling.
'Cause he was coming here!
Just wait 'til
I get my hands on him.
Wait a minute,
let me think.
Let me think
just a minute.
He left the glove here,
he left a cigar butt...
I got it. Maybe
Alice wasn't kidding.
Maybe Winston Churchill
was here today!
ALICE:
Ralph! It's a quarter
to eight.
You'll be late
for bowling.
All right, Ralphie Boy,
how about a little bowling?
What is the matter
with you?
Here, my home
is being broken up,
my happiness destroyed,
and you want to know if
I'm ready to go bowling.
Oh, I'm...
I'm sorry, Ralph.
How about sh**ting
a little pool?
( pounds fist on table )
Now, look, just don't sit here
eating your heart out.
Why don't you call
your wife out here
and let's clear the air.
Get her out here
and demand an explanation.
Oh, I got some
case. Some case.
You don't think she's gonna
admit to anything, do you?
All I want to do is
get my hands on that
guy, that's all.
Well, it's not like we don't
know anything about the guy.
We know he wears the gloves,
he smokes the expensive
cigars...
I know, I know.
We're not taking
any ads in the
paper either.
Now, look.
That guy is coming here tonight.
But if he knows I'm here,
he's not coming in.
She'll get word to him
somehow that I'm here.
All I have to do,
if she wants to play that game,
I can play the same game.
She's anxious for me
to go bowling
so this guy can come here
and she can have
a meeting with him, okay.
But I'm gonna fool her.
I'm gonna fool her, Norton.
I'm going bowling,
but I'm not going bowling.
You're not only
gonna fool her,
you got me all mixed up.
Don't you understand?
I'll tell her
I'm going bowling,
and I'll say good-bye,
slam the door,
we open the window, we get
out on the fire escape
and we stay there
until this bum shows up.
Then I can hear and see
everything they do.
Ah, now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I mean, you're not
gonna stoop so low
as to go outside
on that there fire escape
and spy in here on
your wife, are you?
I mean, let's face it, that
went out with the stone age
when people were
uncivilized, that's all.
I mean, you-you can't...
you just can't do a
thing like that today.
What am I gonna do?
Do what any
civilized man would do.
Hide a dictaphone
here in the room.
Will you let me
handle it my way?
Take your... here.
Now, first of all,
we open the window.
It's stuck. Hold this.
Help me
with this thing.
All right.
( grunting )
All right, now...
Alice!
Alice, honey,
I'm going bowling now.
ALICE:
All right, Ralph.
Have a good time.
Okay.
I'm going, too, Alice,
so there won't be anybody
here to bother you.
Shut up.
Don't worry if
I'm not back early.
I'm gonna stop off after I play
and have a little piz-- salad!
ALICE:
All right, honey.
Take your time.
Okay, I'm going now.
( whispering )
Don't leave the bowling
balls there. Get them.
Come on.
( knock on door )
I'll be right there!
Ooh!
Oh, hello.
Come in, Andre.
Hello, my dear.
Is it safe to come in?
Is your husband gone?
Oh, yes. It's safe.
He's gone. He won't
be home until late.
Oh, good.
ANDRE:
You know what, I-I feel...
I feel a little
uncomfortable about this.
I usually like to get
the husband's approval.
Well, you know,
right after you left,
I was kind of
thinking it over, you know,
when you left
this afternoon,
and I thought,
maybe I'd tell him,
but it's so much
more fun this way.
ANDRE:
All right, my dear,
but you know, sometimes
the husband comes up
with a pretty useful suggestion.
ALICE:
Well, I really think
this way is best.
You know, Ralph has such
old-fashioned ideas,
he'd just make things
difficult for you.
I see. Well, I've got it all
arranged for tomorrow morning.
What time does
your husband leave?
ALICE:
Well...
usually about 7:00.
ANDRE:
7:00? I don't suppose
it's possible
to get him out
any earlier, is it?
Hmm... I could try,
but I don't want
to do anything to
make him suspicious.
All right.
I mean, you know,
I've gotten along this far
without his catching on,
and I'd certainly hate to do
anything to spoil it now.
ANDRE:
All right, I'll
be here at 7:15.
Oh, well, by the way,
did I leave one of my gloves
when I was here
this afternoon?
Yes, you did,
and I hid it in a drawer
so Ralph wouldn't see it.
I'll get it
for you now.
Well, now, that's funny.
I know I put it in here.
Now, where do you suppose
that could be?
Aha!
Ow!
( shouting )
I'll tell you where
it is! Right there!
And I'm gonna stick it right
down your throat, you gigolo!
Ralph!
Don't you
"Ralph" me!
So I'm old-
fashioned, huh?
I got old-fashioned ideas
and I'm difficult.
Wait 'til you see how
difficult I make it
for him to put
his hat on.
He ain't gonna
have any head!
I am quite through,
Mrs. Cranston!
You're through
all right!
Will you help me
out of here?!
Let me...
Out of my way!
Ralph!
Just one moment.
You listen to me.
I don't want to listen
to nothin'. Out of my way!
You listen to me.
I'm gonna tell you
what you've
just done, Ralph.
We were gonna have this
whole apartment redecorated.
New drapes, new rugs,
new furniture, Ralph.
That gigolo, as you call him,
happens to be Andre,
the interior decorator
for Morgan's Department Store.
And Morgan's Department
Store, Ralph, was gonna
decorate this entire apartment
for us for nothing,
for an advertising stunt.
It wasn't gonna
cost us one cent, Ralph--
not one penny-- and you had
to go and spoil everything.
You don't wanna
go bowling.
You don't wanna go
bowling now, do you?
I'll go bowling.
You don't wanna
go...
( growling )
All right, Alice.
I'm a moxe.
I did it again.
Sorry if I'm jealous,
but just the mere thought
of any guy even looking at you
is enough to drive me nuts.
I don't know what to say
or what to do and...
I wouldn't blame you if you
never spoke to me again.
What's that?
Happy birthday, Ralph.
Baby, you're the greatest.
01x25 - Pardon My Glove
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One of the most beloved sitcoms in TV history that follows the lives of New York City bus driver Ralph, his wife Alice, Ralph's best friend Ed and Ed's wife Trixie as they get involved with various schemes.
One of the most beloved sitcoms in TV history that follows the lives of New York City bus driver Ralph, his wife Alice, Ralph's best friend Ed and Ed's wife Trixie as they get involved with various schemes.