01x28 - The Worry Wart

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Ralph.

Oh, Ralph, there. Ralphie Boy!

Hi, Ed.

Oh. Oh, hi, Alice.

Ralph isn't home yet.

Oh, he's not home yet?

Well, I tell you what
I came by to see him about.

You remember
that last year

when Ralph had those
three tickets--

the four tickets
to the World Series?
Yeah.

You know, you and him took
Trixie and me to the game.

We had a good time
and everything.

Well, I felt that it was just
about my time to reciprocate,

and, uh, and, uh,
well, do you a good deed.

I, uh, was just wondering if
you'd like to join us Sunday.

We're going to Madison
Square Garden.

Oh, Madison
Square Garden.

What's playing
there now?

The Antique Show.

Boy, I'm telling you, and I was
lucky to get the tickets, too.

Just fortunately,
there's a friend of mine

that, uh, that's a scalper.

You know, those-- oh, those
tickets are harder to get,

they're scarcer
than hen's teeth.

But, Ed, The
Antique Show?

Since when did you become
so interested in antiques?

Oh, I've been interested
in antiques quite a while.

Sort of a hobby, you know?

I came across it
accidentally.

I was, uh... well, I'll
tell you how it happened.

I was in the market
for a dog, see?

So I was looking in the paper,
I'd seen this ad:

"For sale, genuine
four-legged chippendale."

So I sent away for it.

And it came back a table.

( laughing ):
That's how it happened.

What do you say?
You wanna join us Sunday?

Well, thanks for
the invitation, Ed,

but I don't have to go
to Madison Square Garden

to look at antiques.

Oh, I dig ya,
I dig ya, Alice.

I know just what
you're talking about.

Well, look, just don't take this
antique business too lightly,

because if you've got some
genuine antiques here,

they could be worth a fortune.

Say, as a matter of fact,
I tell you what I'll do.

I'll just look around here,
examine a few of these pieces,

free of charge,
and let you know.

You may have something here
worth a lot of money.

Well, go ahead, Ed,
if you want to,

but I doubt you'll find
anything around here

that's worth any money.

Well, you...

Oh... Oh!

Wait a minute now.

Let's take that icebox.

That is a very
interesting piece.

Look, Ed, while
you're looking around,
would you excuse me?

I got some things
to do in the bedroom.

Go right ahead.
I'll examine the icebox

and I'll give you a
complete detailed report

when I'm through.
All right.

Yep.

Uh, Alice, I'm not quite sure,

but this could be
early Ma and Pa Kettle.

Yes, sir.

I...

Say, this is very interesting.

Yeah.

I, uh...

I'm looking underneath
the icebox now, Alice.

( stomps feet )

Mmm, now I'm looking
in back of the icebox.

( stomping feet )

I'm examining the legs
now, Alice.

♪ Dum, de, dum, dum. ♪

All I hope is, when they
do my life on Dragnet,

they leave my name out
to protect the innocent.

You put that turkey back

or they'll be doing
your life on Medic.

Alice, I'm home!

ALICE:
Be right out, Ralph.

Huh, look at this.

What?

Boy, this kills me.

Bills, bills, bills.

Why doesn't anybody send me
a letter or something?

Ah, there's a relief.
Postcard.

Wonder who it's from.

Pretty sneaky,
the gas company,

to send a bill on
the back of a postcard.

Oh, boy, that ain't
the worst of it.

Now everybody in
the building knows

what you're paying
for your gas bill.

What are you talking about?

Mrs. Schwartz,
that blabbermouth,

she looks at all
the postcards,

and then yakety-yak-yaks
all over the building.

You're kidding?
I'm not kidding.

I know how much your
gas bill is. 93 cents.

That's right.
See?

Oh, by the way, Ralph,

congratulations on
that 93-cent gas bill.

Mrs. Schwartz told me
that you broke

the all-time low
gas bill record,

set by the Keyer
brothers in 1931.

Hiya, Ralph.

Hiya, honey.

Sit down, honey,

and I'll have your dinner
on the table right away.

All right.

( plates clattering )

Norton, don't you have to
go upstairs and have supper?

I already ate.

Well, aren't you gonna be
a little uncomfortable,

sitting here watching
Alice and I eat?

Oh, thank you, Ralph.

If you put it that way,
I'll be glad to stay.

All right, Alice,
I'll have a little order

of spaghetti and meatballs,
light on the marinara,

heavy on the sh**t one with
a feather and hold the mayo!

( chuckles )

I thought you
already ate.

Well, let's face it, Ralph.

Dizzy Dean warms up
in the bullpen before the game,

but he still pitches.

ALICE:
There's plenty
of food, Ralph.

Hey.

What?

Here's a little letter.

I've been waiting for this

from the Bureau of Internal
Revenue, the Tax Department.

Oh, yeah,
I noticed that

when I was bringing
the mail up today.

Oh, why didn't you
tell me it was here?

I've been waiting for this.

Do you know what this is?
My tax refund.

Hey, hey, hey, how much
you getting back, Ralph?

Well, the way
I figured it out, about $42.

And it couldn't have
come at a better time.

I'm gonna blow
this whole thing

on two glorious
weeks' vacation,

fishing at
Fred's Landing.

Isn't that gonna
be fun, hon?

I hope we get that same tent
we had last year.

That ought to be easy.

Tell 'em we want the one
with the snake in it.

Norton, I'm telling you,
you should've been with us.

You would've d*ed laughing.

I thought I was gonna
k*ll myself laughing,

watching her run away
from that snake. Oh-oh.

How could you see me run?
You were way ahead of me.

( guffawing )

Shut up, Dizzy Dean,
and eat your spaghetti.

There's a letter here
but no check.

Well, what did the
letter say, Ralph?

"Dear Mr. Kramden,

"please report to
Mr. Richard Putter of our office

"at 10:00 in the morning
of the 21st."

Huh. Wonder what he
wants to see you about.

I don't know.
I never got one of these.

Well, it's nothing to
get upset about, Ralph.

Tomorrow's the 21st.
You'll find out then.

Guess you're right.

There's nothing
to worry about.

No, honey. Come on,
eat your supper.

Couldn't be anything
important.

Mm, sure
it isn't.

What could they want with me?!

Ralph, you're building this
whole thing up in your mind.

It's probably
nothing.

Probably nothing?

Probably nothing?!

Look, Alice,
if it was nothing,

they would've sent me a letter
saying, "Dear Mr. Kramden,

don't come down tomorrow."

What do you mean, nothing?

This isn't the Girl Scouts,
you know.

They don't want me down there
to buy cookies.

This is the United States
Government,

the Treasury Department.

They don't want me
down there to shake hands

with the Secretary
of the Treasury.

You got any ketchup,
Ralph?

Huh? Uh...

What could I have done
that's wrong?

Listen, Ralph,
I don't like
to say this,

but if you did
anything wrong,
it's your own fault.

What do you mean,
it's my fault?

How can it be my fault
if I did something wrong?

You shouldn't
have made out
your own tax, Ralph.

I told you to go down
to the barber shop

and get somebody to
do it who knows how.

Are you gonna start with
the "I told you so's," Alice?

Hey, you got
any piccalilli
or chow-chow

or something
like that?

Is that what you're gonna start
with, the "I told you so's"?

Don't give me any
"I told you so's" now,

'cause they're not
gonna help me.

Listen, Ralph, probably
the only thing you did

was deduct something
that you shouldn't have.

So now you have to pay
tax on that deduction.

They're just gonna
take the money out
of your refund.

Oh, is that all
they're gonna do?

They're just gonna take it
out of my refund?

It so happens, Alice,
that I was planning

on that refund
in its entirety.

I need all of the refund,
all $42.

I can't afford to let
any of the $42 go.

I got to go down to
Fred's landing. I need $42.

What am I gonna do if
I haven't got enough money?

We'll just have
to cut down, Ralph.

Tell Fred to give us
a cheaper tent with
a smaller snake.

Oh...

Got any bread,
Ralph?

Yes.

Will you stop
with the bread?!

What did I do?!
What, what?!

What's the matter
with you?

Can't you realize
I'm in serious trouble?

The government is
investigating me.

So, they're
investigating.

What are you
getting excited about?

Be calm, will you?
Be calm.

He's right,
Ralph.

Don't fly
off the handle.

That's not getting
you anyplace.

Maybe you're right.

Take first things first.

Right, thank you.

Now, the first thing was,

you was getting me
some bread. Where is it?

Now!

All right, Alice.

Get in the bedroom, Alice!

Get in the bedroom,
'cause I'm gonna k*ll him.

Ralph.
When I finish
with you,

there'll be piccalilli
all over Bensonhurst.

Ralph!

Don't "Ralph" me!

What, are you
sticking up for him?

Don't you realize
how serious this is?

They're investigating me.

Ralph, being
investigated is not
the end of the world.

You are not the
first person who
was ever investigated.

You're darn right,
the jails are full of them.

All right.

Norton, I'm gonna
count to five.

And when I get to five,
you'd better be out that door.

Now I'm gonna count.

I'm not scared of you.

If you could count,

they wouldn't be
investigating your taxes.

Get out!

Eight and five are thirteen...

Thirteen and six
are nineteen.

Nineteen and two are twenty-one.

Twenty-one and five
are twenty-six.

Twenty-three
and twenty-nine...

Ralph, will you
come to bed? Shh!

Twenty-nine
and four is 33.

It is 2:00.

Thirty-three
and 2:00 is a qua...

Alice, what are you
trying to do to me?

What are you
trying to do to me?

Do you want to
see me go to jail?

Ralph, you're letting this thing
get the best of you.

Now, will you stop worrying?

Whatever it is you did wrong,
Ralph, you'll find out tomorrow.

And losing a night's sleep

is not gonna to help
the matter any.

Oh, I suppose getting
a night's sleep

is gonna fix
everything up fine.

Sure, I'll go down there
tomorrow and they'll say,

"Mr. Kramden, did you
get a good night's sleep?"

And I'll say "Sure."

They'll say,
"Well, that's fine,

let's call off
the investigation."

They're not
interested in sleep.

Their job is taxes.

They're not gonna send me
to jail for insomnia.

They're not gonna send you
to jail, Ralph.

Oh, listen to
Chief Justice
Alice Kramden.

Boy, you know a lot
about a lot of things
tonight, don't you?

You know about taxes,
you know about sleep,
you know about jail.

You ought to go on
The $64,000 Question.

That's what you ought to go
on, The $64,000 Question.

You know what your
category is? Everything!

Ralph, I'm gonna make you
a glass of nice, warm milk now.

Maybe it'll make you drowsy
and help you relax

and then you'll be able
to go to sleep.

You haven't even read
the evening paper yet, Ralph.

Here, now you just sit down
and look at the paper,

and just try and forget about
this investigation for a while.

All right, sweetheart.

That's fine.

Just have to relax, that's all.

Right.

Here's an item.

Says that they're building
a new highway in Tibet.

Oh, really?

It's going all the way
from Tibet to Mongolia.

Says it'll cut five hours
out of the trip

for everybody
that's going there.

Oh.

That's
wonderf...

What do they want me
down there for?!

Ralph, will you get
ahold of yourself?

Don't...

Hey, what's going on
down here?

You're yelling
and everything,
you woke me up.

Boy, what a...
Oh...

Ralph's still very upset
about this tax business.

Boy, I-I tell ya,
I'm surprised
at you, Ralph,

carrying on
the way you...

So what if they're
investigating your taxes?

What can they do to you?

Can they put you up
in front of a f*ring squad?

No, they can't.

Can they push you
over a cliff?

No, they can't.

Can they string you up
on the end of a rope?

No, I guess they can't.

All right, then.
Nothing can happen to you.

What possibly can
happen to you?

What are you
worried for?

He's right, Ralph.

Now come on,
let's go to bed.

Thanks, pal.

All right, now,
just go in there

and get
a good night's sleep.

All right.

The worst thing they could
possibly do to you

is send you to the federal pen.

What are you starting
with that stuff for?!

Now, look, will
you go upstairs?

I gotta sit down and
figure out what kind
of a mistake I made.

I gotta have some answers
for them tomorrow

when I go down there.

Highways with Tibet!

Look, uh...

maybe I can give you
a little hand in this?

I majored in arithmetic
in vocational school.

All right, see what you
can make of this thing.

I'll take any
kind of help.

Let me see the form here.

Uh, what is this
amount here? One...

"1053622"?

What amount?

"10..." That's no amount.

That's my social
security number.

I thought maybe
it was your weight.

Now, would you tell me
why I'd put my weight down

on an income tax report?

How should I know?

You're the one there
being investigated.

Wait a minute.

( coughs )

Look.

Maybe I made a mistake on one
of these business deductions.

Now, you listen
and if you think

that I'm entitled to what
I deducted, you let me know.

Go ahead.
If not, let me
know that, too.

Now, I took off the cost of
my cleaning the uniform...

Right.

...my union dues,
my driver's license.

Now, I took off $80 I spent
entertaining Freddy Muller,

you know, every time there was
an opening for traffic manager.

Yeah. Yeah.

That's all,
they're all legitimate.

I take off the same kind of
things on my income tax,

I take off
my union dues, deductible,

I take off when I have
my rubber boots vulcanized,

I take off when I have
my lunchbox water-proofed,

and I take off 25%
of my rent

when I use my apartment
for business reasons.

Business reasons?

You work in a sewer.

What possible business
could you conduct

could you possibly write
off in your apartment?

I practice in the bathtub.

You practice
in the bathtub,

and they're
investigating
my taxes.

Look, they're probably
not interested

or... don't believe
your deductions.

What they're looking for

is-is items that you didn't
put down on the form.

Mainly, unreported income.

What do you mean,
unreported income?

I only work for
the bus company.

I don't have
any other jobs.

Well, little other things
that you forget to put down.

You know, like...
you got a tax book here?

Yeah, this thing.

Wait a minute.
Let me look.

( mumbling )

( mumbling )

Come on with
that thing!

( imitates mumbling )

Here we are, here.

"Examples of income
that must be reported:"

Uh, "salaries."
Well, we know that's okay.

Uh, did you have any income

from annuities, rents,
mortgages or chattles?

Chattles?

What's a chattle?

I don't know,
I guess it means,

"Did you make any money
selling livestock?"

How can you think that I made
any money selling livestock?

All right, all right,
so far, so good.

( groans )

Here's the next item.

"Income from interest on loans,
bonds or bank accounts."

You have to pay a tax on
interest of bank accounts?

Oh, sure, of course.

You got to pay a tax
on everything. It's income.

Get your bank book.

75 dollars.

Income on interest,
bank account, $75.

That's not the interest,
that's the bank account!

Interest comes
to about $2.25.

$2.25.

Now, "income from tips,
gratuities or bonuses."

We didn't get any
bonus this year.

The boss gave us all
a skinny chicken.

Well, you, uh, got any idea what
the skinny chicken was worth?

About... $2.00, I guess.

"One skinny chicken."

"$2.00."

Now, then, next is item,
"income from gambling winnings."

You mean to tell me they
tax gambling winnings?

Sure, it's income,
ain't it?

Let's see,
I won about $25

throughout the
year playing pool.

"$25, sh**ting pool."

Then I got that first prize
over at Salvatore's Pizzeria.

Yeah.

High score on a
pinball machine.

They gave me that horse with
the stomach in its clock.

I mean, the clock
in its stomach.

Let's see...

That was worth
about $15.

"A horse with
clock in stomach."

"15.00."

Well, you see, now,
these are the items

that they're
checking up on you.

There's no doubt
about that.

Then there was that,
uh, the $5 I won at
the Racoon picnic,

winning the
three-legged race.

"Three-legged race, $5."

Hey, wait a minute.

What?

Remember about
six months ago,

we had the all-night
poker game?

Yeah.
I won $85.

$85?!

You think they could have
found out about that?

Boy, that's a large
amount of money.

Now, that's
the kind of an item

they're really
investigating you for.

"$85.00."

What can they do for me--

you know, what
can they do to me

if I don't put this stuff
down in my income tax?

I don't know, maybe it's, maybe
it's in the book here someplace.

Let me see the book.

Here it is.

What?

"Penalty for failing
to report income.

"All persons are required
under this title

"to pay an estimated
tax or tax.

"All are required
by this title

"or by regulations

"made under authority
thereof to make a return

"other than a return,
required under authority

"of Section 6015
or Section 6016,

"keep any records or
supply any information

"and who willfully
fails to pay such
estimated tax or tax,

"make such return,
keep such records

"or supply such
information. "

Boy, Ralph, it sounds
like you are in trouble.

Trouble? I don't even know
what I'm talking about!

What am I gonna
do, Norton?

Hey, wait a minute!

When you get down there
tomorrow, I got the idea.

Stand on the 18th Amendment.

Are you nuts
or something?

Stand on the
18th Amendment?

You mean stand on
the Fifth Amendment.

The 18th Amendment
was for prohibition.

Well, that's just what I mean.

Tell them you were drunk
when you made out your taxes.

You know what this means,
don't you, Norton?

Oh, yeah.
You know what it means.

Sure!

I was drunk when I made out
my income taxes.

There's nobody here.

Do you think maybe
they forgot about it?

They don't forget
about nothing.

Just, let's sit down,
try to relax.

Be calm, don't
be nervous.

I want you to know,

I appreciate
you coming down with me.

Do you think for one
minute that I'd let you

come down here by yourself
in the state that you're in?

Just try to relax,
be-be calm.

Don't be nervous.

I've been thinking it over.

What am I worried about?

What have I got to worry about?

I'm an American citizen.
Yep.

Got my rights,
I'm a taxpayer.

If you were a taxpayer,

you wouldn't be
down here right now.

Well, I'm telling you this,

if they get anything
out of me,

it's not gonna be out
of me that they get it.

Let him find out.

I'm not telling him anything.

He wants to find out anything,
let him find it out.

I'll be no help to him.

Just keep calm and cool.

Calm and cool.

Mr. Kramden.

Hey, there!

Which one of you men
is Mr. Kramden?

( stammering )

Uh, he's Kramden.
I'm clean.

Norton...

Just step over here,
Mr. Kramden.

( stammers )

Uh, here we are.
Ralph Kramden.

( stammering )
Now, Mr. Kramden?

( stammering )

What did you say?

No, that's just his way
of remaining calm and cool.

No, it's, uh...
I didn't do it.

I didn't do it!

I know you didn't.
I know you didn't do it.

That's why we called
you down here.

Huh?

Your signature,
Mr. Kramden.

You didn't sign
your tax form.

Now, all you have to do
is sign it right here,

and then you can go.

You mean, all I have to do
is sign this and...

I can go out and go home
and there's nothing else?

That's all,
Mr. Kramden.

Oh, baby.

There you are.

Thank you very much,
Mr. Kramden.

Thank you. Good-bye.

Good-bye.
Good-bye.

Come on, Ralph.

Bye!

( laughs )

I gotta tell you something,
Mr. Putter.

I didn't put everything
down on my income tax.

Not because I didn't want
to put it down,

I just didn't know that
I was supposed to put it down.

On account, I didn't ever
have any of those things,

that he told me about,
that I have to put down.

I wouldn't cheat
the government.

Cheat the government?

Well, I... certainly not,
I wouldn't cheat 'em.

But I just didn't know
about these deductions.

You know, for instance,

there was the horse
with the clock in its stomach.

There was the skinny chicken.

And there was the three-legged
race at the Racoon picnic.

I didn't put any of that down.

But I want to put it down now

and I want to pay tax
on all of it:

the horse and the picnic
and everything.

Well, that's very
honest of you, Mr. Kramden.

Thank you.

Uh, sir? I'd like to make
a confession at this time.

Uh, a few little items
that I didn't put down
on my income tax form.

During the past fiscal year,

I found three dollars
that was floating
by me in the sewer.

I want to thank
both of you gentlemen.

Now, you can list
your additional income
on this form here.

Mail it in to me and I'll see
that it goes on your record.

Thank you very much.
And I want to thank

both of you gentlemen
for your honesty.

Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

Just like you to understand,

( clears throat )

that Ralph Kramden will
never be accused of

not putting a horse down
with a clock in its stomach.