04x02 - Lucy and the Golden Greek

[bunniefuu]

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

Sheesh!

Ah...

Hi.

Who is it?

I'm Mary Jane Lewis.

I live in the next apartment.

Oh. Well, hello.

I'm... I'm Lucy Carmichael.

I'm very happy to meet you.

I just came to pay
a neighborly visit.

Well, that's a
nice thing to hear

in a big city like Los Angeles.

People can be just as
friendly in Los Angeles

as they can in Danfield.

Well, how did you know
I was from Danfield?

I know all about you.

You are a widow, you've
been here about a month,

you've got a
daughter in college,

a son in m*llitary school,

and a banker named
Mr. Mooney who yells at you.

Oh! How did you know all that?

Thin walls, big ears, and
our blabbermouth landlady.

Well, you better sit down
and tell me all about myself.

Here's a chair for you.

Oh, thank you.

Well... Say, how
did you get in here?

Did I leave my door open?

Oh, no, I climbed through
a hole in your fence.

Oh, for heaven's sake!

Uh, would you like some cake?

No, I have to stay on my
diet so I can fit in my patio.

I know what you mean.

I have earrings bigger
than these patios.

Listen, Lucy, I can
only stay a minute.

I really came to
ask you something.

What?

Do you like lifeguards?

Lifeguards?

Well, yeah, I guess so. Why?

Well, I've got an extra one.

I beg your pardon?

Oh. Well, I mean,
I go with this fella

who's a lifeguard,
and he has a friend,

Howard Coe, who's
also a lifeguard,

and Jim thought it'd be
nice if I get a date for Howie

and we go out on a foursome.

Yeah, well, that might be fun.

And Howie's a very nice guy.

You two would get along swell.

He's a marvelous person.

What does he look like?

I don't know. I've
never met him.

But you just said that he...

Oh, well, Jim said he was nice.

And you really should go out
and meet more people here, Lucy.

Yeah, I know.

Well, blind dates
are kind of dramatic.

Lifeguard, huh?

Okay, I'd like to
meet him sometime.

How about 8:00?

Tonight?

Sure, I already
told Jim and Howie.

How did you know I'd say yes?

Well, people usually say
yes to me just to shut me up.

I think we're going to be
great friends, Mary Jane.

I use that trick
myself sometimes.

Well, I have to run now.

Oh, well, thanks very much
for coming over, Mary Jane.

Oh, I'll put away my chair.

Oh, don't be silly; I
can put that away later.

- No, I'll put it away.
- Oh, come on, now, it really...

Ooh, I don't want to
look! Did it hit anything?

I don't know; I
don't even see it.

Ooh, I don't, either.

I'll run down and
see where it landed.

- Oh, Lucy.
- Yeah?

We won't go anyplace fancy
tonight, so don't dress to k*ll.

Okay, I'll just dress
to wound him a little.

Oh, Mr. Mooney!

Oh!

You found the chair I dropped.

Oh, so you were the
one who dropped it.

Well, now Los Angeles
has two health hazards:

you and the smog!

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Mooney.

Does it hurt?

Only when someone sits on it.

Now, help me get this
blasted thing off, will you?

- Okay.
- What-what are you doing, folding it?!

Well, I'm sorry,
it's a folding chair.

Well, now I've
got a folding nose!

Oh... oh...

Sorry, Mr. Mooney.

Oh... oh...

Oh, what a shame!

It's broken, and
I just bought it.

Why this sudden
show of thriftiness,

after all the money
you've been squandering?

I have not been
squandering money!

Oh, no?

Then how do you
explain this bill for $19

from Sherry's Shoe Salon?

Well, now, let me think.

Oh, yes, I bought
a pair of shoes.

Bought a pair of shoes.

Ask a silly question,
you get a silly answer.

50 states in this union! 50!

And you and I have to
move to the same one.

Well, gee whiz, Mr. Mooney,
a girl's got to have shoes!

Why don't you look at it as
a cold-blooded investment?

Now, the better I look,
the more dates I have.

The more dates I
have, the more I go out.

The more I go out, the
less food I have to buy.

You may have something there.

How soon do you
think this "investment"

will show a dividend?

I happen to have a date tonight.

Oh! Someone from
Danfield? An old flame?

No, a new match.

Well, I hope he's a gentleman.

There are a lot of wolves
around here, you know?

How did you meet him?

Well, I haven't
really met him yet.

It's sort of a blind date.

That can be very dangerous.

That's the way I met my wife.

Well, don't you worry,
a new girlfriend of mine

is introducing us.

Oh? Uh, where did you meet her?

She climbed through
a hole in my fence.

Mrs. Carmichael, we have
had our differences in the past.

However, we are from
the same hometown,

here together in the big city.

Now, California is different.

Things are very different here.

California stands like
the Statue of Liberty,

beckoning to the rest of
the country and saying,

"Give me your tired, your poor,

"your weak...

"give me your lunatics,
your mooncalves...

your cuckoo birds..."

And they all flock here!

Mr. Mooney...

you're worried about me.

Well, sometimes the big
daddy in me does come through.

Well, I appreciate it.

Oh, please! You don't
have to get sloppy about it.

A good, friendly pat on
the back would suffice.

Well, I'm sorry.

No, please, please! Really!

I have to get going.

I'm going out on
the town tonight

with the president of the bank.

Oh, that sounds exciting.

The only excitement will be when
we see who picks up the check.

Well, Mr. Mooney, don't
you worry about my date.

My girlfriend assures me
that he's a real gentleman.

Good, good.

I'm glad your assurance came
from such a reliable source:

a girl who climbed
through a hole in your fence.

Oh, dear, I'm gonna have to get

a full-length
mirror in this place.

Hi there!

Hi, Lucy. You ready?

Yeah, all set.

Well... and this is Howard.

Oh, no, this is Jim
Wells, my boyfriend.

Oh.

Well, nice to meet you, Lucy.

Hello.

And this is...

Where's Howard?

Well, he was right behind me.

Howie, come on in.

Lucy, this is Howard.

I'm sorry.

Uh, won't you sit down?

If everybody else does.

Ah, well...

You know, Lucy's only been
in California about a month.

This'll be her very
first real-live date

with a devil-may-care
Hollywood bachelor.

Yeah, Jim's a lot of fun.

- No, she meant you.
- Oh.

Ah...

Oh, dear! I've
forgotten my purse!

I left it in my apartment.

Let's go get it, Jim.

- I'll go get it for you.
- Don't be silly.

Why do you think
I left my purse?

So you and Lucy
can be alone together.

Come on.

What's taking them so long?

Won't you sit down?

Uh... uh, I hear
you're a lifeguard.

Yes.

Well, I'm sure you've
had a lot of exciting things

happen to you.

Yes.

You're very lucky to have a job

that gives you so much
fresh air and sunshine.

Yes.

You wanted to say something?

- Yes.
- What?

Gee, they've been
gone a long time.

Yes.

You know, uh, Mary
Jane wasn't kidding

about me being new out here
and you being my first date.

You're my first date
in California, too.

Oh, really? How long
have you been out here?

16 years.

Would you like some candy?

Ooh, I'm-I'm sorry.

What'd you do?

I touched your hand.

I didn't mean to
touch your hand.

I am not fresh.

Well, neither is the candy.

Uh, tell me about
yourself, Howard.

I'm short.

I meant, tell me what
you do as a lifeguard.

Oh, oh.

That's what I do.

Uh, but when swimmers
go out too far, I go...

That's very interesting.

And dangerous.

Dangerous?

Once, I swallowed my whistle.

Well, you must be a
very good swimmer.

Well, I have to be...
Soon as I run out

into the water,
I'm over my head.

Oh-ho-ho, that's funny!

Y-You're laughing at me.

Oh, no, I'm not laughing at you.

I was laughing with you.

Are you sure you're not laughing
at me because I'm kind of short?

Oh, I would never do that!

Well, then how come you
have the mirror on the floor?

Oh, well, that was so I
could look at my high heels.

But you're not
wearing high heels.

Oh, but I am. I
mean, I was. I will.

- Yes, I fully intended to.
- We're back!

- Oh, oh...
- Hi. -I hope...

I hope, uh, Howie
didn't get fresh, Lucy.

No, no.

All he did was whistle at me.

Well, where are
you fellas taking us?

Yeah, we... where are
we fellas taking them?

To the Golden Greek restaurant.

Oh, I just love that place!

I read about it...
It sounds like fun.

I'll get my coat.
You want to take

- a last look, Mary Jane?
- Yes. Okay.

We'll be right with you, fellas.

Jim! Why did you
pick the Golden Greek?

You know what happens to
me when I hear that music!

That is why I picked it.

Yeah, but that music!

The only place you let
loose is at the Golden Greek.

Now, Lucy's a knockout.

I want her to see the real you.

Yeah, but you know the real
me can be real dangerous.

Okay, fellas!

We're ready.

Howie?

♪♪

Kalispera! Welcome
to the Golden Greek.

With our compliments.

You can bang along
with Mitch Shapopolis.

Have a nice dinner.

Isn't this lovely, Lucy?

Oh, it looks wonderful.

Oh.

Jim?

Jim, I'm worried.

But the music hasn't
even started yet.

But it will, it will.

Here comes that maitre d'!

Oh, I hope he
doesn't recognize me.

Kalispera! Welcome
to the Golden Greek.

This way, please.

Very nice ringside table.

Madame.

Grazie.

You!

What did he say?

He said, "Welcome."

Well, how come you
understand Greek, Howie?

- Some of my relatives are Greek.
- Oh.

My mother and father.

Oh, my real name
is not Howard Coe.

Oh, what is it?

- Howard Kolantzakis.
- Oh.

Uh, he shortened it when
he became a lifeguard.

We have our names
on our T-shirts,

and his wouldn't fit.

Oh.

I can hardly get "H.
Coe" on my chest.

Well, Howard, as long as
you understand the language,

you can help us with the menu.

Yeah, what's good here?

Well, the moussaka is excellent.

Oh, well, I'm sure the
Greek musicians are fine,

but what about food?

Moussaka is food.

It's eggplant and chopped
meat and stuff like that.

Oh, oh.

Oh, say, this sounds good!

DePontis, Kastri,
Cavouri and Korinthos.

Those are the musicians.

I don't understand any
of these Greek words.

Why don't we just order
the Blue Plato Special?

Oh, isn't he cute?

- Too much.
- Jim, the music, the music, the music!

- Easy, pal, relax.
- Yeah, but-but...

Jim...

let's dance now and order later.

- Okay.
- We're gonna dance now.

Okay.

♪♪

Uh, do you like
to dance, Howard?

No!

Boy, you must really hate it.

♪♪

Oh, we already gave.

Oh, you're supposed
to bang on these.

Oh, that's what they're for.

♪♪

Aha!

Whee!

Oh, isn't this exciting?

Do you like this music, Howard?

What's the matter with you?

Hello, baby!

Howard, is that you?

It is me, my little baklava.

Oh, let me tweak your cheek!

Oh, how I love to
tweak your cheek!

Howard, what's happened to you?

No, don't speak! Don't speak.

Let your mind go back, go back
to the days of ancient Greece.

Go back, oh, and
let me tweak you!

Go back to when love was king.

Oh, go back, go back, go back.

I'd better go back home.

Oh...!

Oh, my darling, my love...

Stop it!

Oh...

Oh!

I'm sorry, Lucy.

- Well, you should be!
- Yes.

Mr. Mooney was right
about cuckoo birds!

Hi, kids.

You having fun?

Ask Zorba the Tweak here!

Really, I didn't mean anything.

What's the matter, Lucy?

Well, I'm not sure, but weird
things are starting to happen.

I haven't seen anything weird.

And now, the next dance

will be the Kasapakos dance.

Excuse me.

- Would you like to dance?
- I would love to.

Uh, no, I meant him.

Now, that's weird.

Oh, it's a Greek
folk dance, Lucy.

The men dance together, see?

Oh.

Hey!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Hey!

Ha!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Let me tweak your cheek!

Let go of me, Howie!

- But I want to dance with you!
- No!

- I won't dance with you!
- Let me dance with you.

- No! I'm not gonna dance with you!
- One dance!

♪♪

I have to dance with you!

Aah! No, I won't dance with you!

- Let me dance with you!
- No, I won't!

- My blood is boiling!
- I don't care! I wanna...

And now the handkerchief dance!

- One dance, please? One dance!
- No, I won't dance!

Besides, I don't
have a handkerchief.

Who needs a handkerchief?

It only makes more
distance between us!

If we dance, we're gonna
do it with my handkerchief!

♪♪

That's not fair!

♪♪

I've got you!

Hey!

Everybody out
of the dance floor!

Howard... Howard,
the music has stopped.

I can't help it,
my blood is boiled

past the point of no return!

- Howard...
- I want you!

No, Howard.

Leave me alone. Stay away!

I wouldn't hurt you.

I just want for us
to be alone together.

I want to be alone alone!

Howard! -Huh?

What's the matter with you?

The music didn't get
to you like this last time.

But they've added
a mandolin player!

Mr. Mooney!

I'm sorry, Mr. Mooney!

Mrs. Carmichael,

lightning doesn't strike
twice in the same place.

Why must you?