05x11 - Lucy and Pat Collins

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

Now, ladies,

this coat is one of our
most exclusive creations.

Notice the flared bottom,
the high-style collar,

the flawless blending of
the skins, the deep rich color.

This coat is an
exceptional value.

It's only $ , .

Oh.

Oh, that is
exceptional, Lucille.

(chuckles) Yes, darling,
but it is so common.

Common?!

There's only one other coat
like this in the entire world,

and that coat is worn
by the queen of England.

Oh, dear.

In that case, I
couldn't possibly buy it.

The queen and I go
to all the same parties.

Sorry about that.

I think I have just
the coat for you.

Pardon me.

Georgia.

(both laughing)

You were right, this is fun.

I wonder what
she'd do if she knew

we only had cents between us.

- (both laughing)
- Yeah.

Oh, this is a wonderful
place to spend your lunch hour

when you can't afford lunch.

(Lucy laughs)

Are you sure they have
tea and sandwiches here?

Yes, all the
high-class stores do.

I go to a different
store every Friday.

Where are you going?

To get a sandwich.

Listen, cool it, girl, cool it.

Remember, we're
rich, not hungry.

I'm not hungry, I'm starved.

Well, so am I, but
let's not be obvious.

We don't want them to think
that's all we came here for.

They'll serve us.

Some sandwiches for you ladies?

Oh, well, we're
really not hungry.

But we'll force ourselves.

Well, yes, if you insist.

What kind of sandwich
would you like, madam?

Oh, well, I'll have one of those

and one of those
and one of those.

And you, madam?

And one of those and one
of those and two of those.

SALESLADY: Madam...

- this is you.
- Ah. -Oh.

- Chinchilla.
- LUCY: Oh!

- Beautiful.
- Why doesn't madam try it on?

Yeah, why don't
you try it on, Lucy?

SALESLADY: Just wearing
it will give you a feel of it

so much better
than my mere words.

Notice that while the fur
is as soft as gossamer,

it is both thick and rich.

Notice the fullness of the coat.

See how it flares
when you turn around.

Turn around a few times.

And I must draw your
attention to the fact

that we have used
only the tops of the pelts,

not the sides or tummies.

- No tummies?
- No.

And madam, an extra
conversational piece

is the fact...

(women gasping)

that the hem can be turned
into a stole for the evening.

Oh.

Why doesn't madam try it on?

Oh, why, it's, uh...

It's really, uh...

It's quite enchanting, really.

This coat consists of imported

Peruvian pelts...

which are in their natural state

and have not been
lightened or brightened

or in any way
artificially enhanced.

And the price, madam,

is only $ , .

(Lucy coughs)

Is madam all right?

Oh, it's really
beautiful, Lucille.

Oh, madam, the coat is you.

It's really you.

It's just lovely.

Why don't you get it?

No, actually, I don't
think that I'll take this one.

But why, madam?

Well, to tell you the truth,
darling, it depresses me.

It depresses me to think
of all those little chinchilli

running around with just sides
and backs and no tummies.

Oh, I see, madam.

I'm sorry we had
nothing to please you.

- That's all right.
- Perhaps some other time.

How about next Friday?

Madam is always welcome.

Thank you.

Listen, they have
wonderful food here.

Oh, it's so good.

- Hey, our lunch hour's over.
- Yeah.

- Come on, let's go.
- Okay, okay, let's go.

Hey, Pat!

- Hi!
- Oh. Hi, Mary Jane.

- How are you?
- Oh, Lucy. Yeah, fine.

I'd like you to meet
a friend of mine.

This is Lucy Carmichael.

This is Miss Pat,
the famous hypnotist.

Oh, Miss Pat!

Oh, the Hip Hypnotist.

- Oh, I am so glad to meet you.
- How are you?

Nice to meet you, Lucy.

I've heard so much about you.

(chuckles) It must be
wonderful being a hypnotist.

- It comes in handy sometimes.
- (chuckles)

She's really remarkable, Lucy.

She can make people
do practically anything.

- Really?
- Yes, she hypnotized me

and-and stopped me
from biting my nails.

- That's right.
- I didn't know you ever bit your nails.

Oh, I used to.

It was a terrible habit.

When I went to an exciting
movie, I'd bite off my nails

and then I'd bite off
all my boyfriend's nails.

That's quite an
improvement though... look.

- Isn't that great?
- Well...

She's just amazing.

She can make people
do all sorts of things.

Well, what are some
of the other things?

Well, uh, she can make
people get over the fear of flying.

- Uh-huh.
- Or...

And, uh, keep them
from overeating,

and I can help you stop smoking,

or if you're not able
to sleep at night,

I can give you a suggestion.

Oh, that's good to know.

Well, if I'm ever bothered
by any of those things,

I'd like to come and see
you. Where's your office?

Oh, I don't have an office.

I'm not a doctor, Lucy.

- Oh, oh.
- But I'll tell you what.

I'm working at the Royal Club

and you can come participate
in my act. How's that?

You're appearing
at the Royal Club?

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, I'd love to do that.

- Would you come some night, both of you?
- Oh, I'd love it.

- Thank you.
- It was nice seeing you, Mary Jane.

I have to go and
pick up my new coat.

- Bye-bye, Lucy.
- We'll see you soon. -Bye-bye.

I wonder what kind of
a fur coat she's getting.

Probably rabbit.

Rabbit?

Sure. She could hypnotize
herself into thinking it's mink.

Well, it's a lot
cheaper that way.

She saves a lot of money.

Just sign that "Yours truly,"
et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Now, let me see,
this next letter,

this goes to
Rylander and Mosher.

Rylander and Mosher, yes, sir.

Yes, yes.

Gentlemen, I feel it would be

mutually beneficial if we...

(groaning): Oh, oh.

What's the matter,
Mr. Mooney? Something wrong?

Yes, yes, I've got a
splitting headache.

Do you know I haven't
slept for three nights?

Oh, oh, well, then
that explains it.

That explains what?

Why you're such a big grouch.

What?

I mean, uh, why you're a
bigger grouch than usual.

What?

I mean... oh, dear.

I know what you mean.

I can't say that I blame you.

I must admit that,
for the past two days,

I haven't been my
usual Mr. Nice Guy.

Well, no need to apologize, sir.

Going without
sleep for three nights

would put a strain on anybody.

Yes, but it's more
of a strain for me.

When I stay awake, I
have to look at my wife.

Oh, this going without
sleep is driving me crazy.

And I've tried
everything. Everything.

- Like what?
- Well, I've taken pills,

taken warm milk,
I've counted sheep.

I even tried listening
to Wayne King records.

- Didn't help, huh?
- Didn't help a bit.

If I could just get a
good night's sleep!

Oh, Mr. Mooney, I've got it!

What, what, what,
what, what, what?

I know how you can
get a good night's sleep.

How, how, how, how?

Hypnotism.

- Hypnotism?
- Yes, I know a hypnotist who gets...

Mrs. Carmichael,

I appreciate your
thinking about me,

but hypnotism is
a lot of nonsense.

No, it isn't!

Hypnotists have helped lots
of people with lots of things,

like, uh, like-like
getting over the fear of

jumping out of airplanes.

With a parachute, you know.

Oh, really.

Well, you've tried
everything else.

What do you got to lose?

You can't go on without sleep.

Well, no, no, that's
right; that's right.

Well, all right, you call
this hypnotist friend of yours

and tell him I'd
like an appointment

for : this afternoon.

Oh, Mr. Mooney, it's
not a him, it's a her,

and you cannot
see her privately.

You, uh, you have
to go to the nightclub

where she's appearing,
and get into her act.

Get into her act?!

Have you flipped
your flaming wig?!

Well, she helps
people who can't sleep.

Mrs. Carmichael, I am a banker!

I cannot appear
in a nightclub act.

I have to uphold
the dignity of my job.

Well, if you keep
going without sleep,

you won't even have a job.

You're liable to get fired.

It'll be pretty hard getting
another job at your age.

I'm not that old.

Well... well, maybe I
better not take a chance.

All right, where is this
hypnotist appearing?

At the Royal Club.

I'll take you there tonight.

Well, thank you, but
you don't have to take me.

Oh, all right.

We'll go Dutch.

(applause)

Boy, did I make a mistake
coming here tonight.

Why do you say that?

Well, if you think I'm
going to get up there

and make a fool of myself
in front of all these people,

- you're very much mistaken.
- Oh, Mr. Mooney.

Now, there's nothing
to be afraid of.

- Oh, it isn't that I'm afraid...
- She can help you.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

- the Royal Club
proudly presents - Shh.

The Hip Hypnotist, Miss Pat!

Thank you very much.
Thank you. Good evening.

For those of you who have
never seen a hypnotic show before,

I'm going to give you
a very brief explanation

of what is about
to happen up here.

Once again, in a few moments,
I'm going to invite about

five or six of you to
come up on the stage

and volunteer to be hypnotized.

Now, this is for real.

If you'd like to come up,
you're more than welcome,

but before you venture up
here, I want to explain to you

exactly how you're going
to feel, because most people

really do not understand
the science of hypnosis.

Now, they seem to
think if they come up here

and go under, they're
going to become unconscious

and not know what they're
doing, and that's very, very wrong.

They also seem to think
that I hypnotize them,

which is very wrong.

You actually hypnotize yourself.

You do this by concentrating,
by taking my suggestions.

Once you go under hypnosis,
you're not unconscious,

you're fully aware of
everything that's happening.

You're just very, very relaxed.

Uh, you're reacting
to suggestions

that happen in your imagination.

Uh, you're reacting
with a reflex on your part.

Uh, you won't change in any way.

If you're shy, you'll be shy
when you're hypnotized.

If you're an extrovert, you're
going to be an extrovert.

The beauty of it is that
most of us think we're shy,

you know, until
we get hypnotized.

- (laughs)
- I guarantee you'll have

a marvelous time if
you come up here.

You'll go under,
you'll be very creative.

The biggest bonus that
you get out of the whole show

is the fact that the minutes
to an hour that you will be

up here, under hypnosis,

is the equivalent of
eight to ten hours sleep.

So, if you'd like to give it a
try, you're more than welcome.

All I ask of you is
that you're serious,

that you want to be hypnotized.

Those of you that want
to try it, come on up

right now, and
we'll start the show.

Let's go.

(band plays mellow jazz intro)

♪ If you will come with me ♪

♪ I'll take you to the moon ♪

♪ Look in my eyes, you'll see ♪

♪ What I mean ♪

♪ Take my hand and follow me ♪

I'm sorry, we don't
have any more chairs.

♪ I'll take you to the stars. ♪

(Lucy and Mr. Mooney arguing)

All right, we're going
to begin with the people

that are on the stage,
and we want all of you

to kind of quiet down so
that I can put these people

on the stage under hypnosis.

We have to have it quiet.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, uh, sorry.

Sorry, it has to be quiet

- and settled.
- Hi.

- Hi, how are you?
- Remember me?

- No.
- (Lucy chuckles)

Well, I'm the girl
th-that has a girlfriend

who, who bites her
boyfriend's nails.

- Oh, oh...
- I'm Lucy-Lucy Carmichael. Lucy.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Oh.

All right, we're going to begin

with these people
that are on the stage.

I'm gonna ask all of you
in the room to please be

very, very quiet now as
we put them under hypnosis.

Once they've gone under,

you can make all the
noise that you want to, okay?

Thank you very much. Now,
those of you on the stage,

I want you to settle
back in your seats,

get your feet flat on the floor,
put your hands in your lap.

Feet flat, honey... that a girl.

Now, keep your hands open.

Don't close them
because they start to tingle.

Those of you on the stage,
I want you to settle back

and look directly into
one of the spotlights,

and, uh, stare into a spotlight.

Gives you something to focus on.

Now, I'm going to begin
by relaxing all of you,

so stare at the one object.

Now, I want all of you to
take a very deep breath,

relax your body, now concentrate
on the sound of my voice.

Now, when I count to
three, all of you on the stage,

raise your left arm high
in the air, light as a feather.

When I count to three,

all of you put your left
arm up high in the air.

One, two, and three...
Raise your left arm.

All of you raise your left arm,

now concentrate on the
muscles in your left arm.

Your left arm...
When I count to three,

make it rigid as
a piece of steel.

Lock every muscle
in your left arm

on the count of three
and go deeper asleep.

One, two, and
three... arm rigid.

Left arm stiff and
rigid as a steel bar.

Every muscle in your
arm is locked tight.

Every muscle in your
left arm is locked tight,

and you cannot lower your arm.

You cannot lower your
arm... Physically impossible.

Physically impossible
to lower your arm.

Trying to put it
down, but you cannot.

Try and put it down, but
you cannot get it down.

Now you realize that
you are hypnotized,

this is all there is to it.

Throughout the rest of the show,

you will do only as
my voice tells you

and have a marvelous
time with suggestion.

All inhibitions are gone,
you're not embarrassed.

All of you take
another deep breath.

Relax now... every muscle

in your body... loose and heavy.

Relax that left arm, let it fall
down, and go deeper asleep.

Relax every muscle in your body.

Now, for those of you who
have never seen my show before,

I'm going to explain to
you what we're going to do.

The first five minutes
of all of my shows,

I work with the people on the
stage, give them suggestions to

see what kind of personalities
and reflexes they have.

Keep in mind, they
know what they're doing.

I'm giving them these
suggestions, uh, to see

how fast they are,
how slow they are,

who's shy, who's an
extrovert, and so on.

It's all in their imagination.

They don't really see a funny
movie, but they laugh at it,

and they don't really get hot or
cold, but they fan themselves.

It's beautiful to
watch; hysterical;

it's wonderful to listen to.

They say very funny things...
People that are hypnotized...

Because they're creative and
they don't think they're under,

and the other night when I
was doing the funny movie thing,

everybody was laughing
except one little old man

who kept insisting
he wasn't under.

He just goes, "Uh," you know,
and I said, "What's wrong?"

He said, "I saw that movie,"
and he went right back to sleep.

Oh, what marvelous...

Look at this face... Oh,
I have to talk to this one.

This is the one I have
to talk to first... he's great.

You whose forehead I'm touching,
just kind of relax and stand up.

The rest of you close
your eyes, relax, and sleep.

I've got to talk to
you... Come here.

You're marvelous,
you're just fantastic.

What's your name?

Theodore J. Mooney.

Oh, um, and what do you
do for a living, Mr. Mooney?

I'm a banker, and I
might as well tell you

that I don't believe
in hypnotism.

That's all right because
I don't believe in banks.

You don't think
you're hypnotized?

Well, of course not;
I'm not hypnotized.

I couldn't be asleep; I
have insomnia, you see.

Well, that really has
nothing to do with it.

See, you're relaxed, right?

You're very relaxed
and you're happy, right?

- See how relaxed?
- I'm, I'm relaxed,

I'm not particularly happy.

Oh... oh, you're very
happy, Mr. Mooney,

so happy you'd like
to turn a cartwheel,

that's how happy
you are... You would.

Oh, now, that's ridiculous.

I've never turned a
cartwheel in my life.

I don't intend to turn one now.

But you will when
I count to three.

One, two, and three... turn.

(drumroll)

(applause)

And what's more, you cannot
make me turn a cartwheel.

PAT: Oh.

Oh, oh, yes, yes, all
right, well, that's all right.

Here, take my hand,
I want you to come

over here and I want you
to sit down in your chair

and I want you
to, to go to sleep

and work on your insomnia, okay?

You just sit down and
relax and sleep... way down.

Let's talk to the kooky redhead

that was giving me
all the trouble, all right?

You whose forehead I'm touching,

open your eyes, do not awaken.

Stand up, honey... I want
to talk to you, come on, up.

It's a hot chair,
hot chair, hot, hot,

hot, hot, hot.

You've come up fast.

W-What's the matter?

It's hot.

Oh, well, we'll
cool it off later.

You're Lucy, right?

Yes.

What do you do
for a living, Lucy?

I'm a secretary.

No, you're not,
you're a typewriter.

Huh?

(typewriter music and
sound effects playing)

It's electric carriage.

The pug-nosed design.

(chuckles) Oh, wait, wait, wait,
stop, stop, what are you doing?

Ooh, ooh, what are you doing?

Changing my ribbon.

Told you they say funny things.

Uh, you'd better sit down, Lucy.

Just sit down and relax.
You're just yourself, okay?

It's not a hot chair.
You feel great, right?

Good, sleep, way
down, deep sleep, relax.

Now, all of you on the
stage, take a very deep breath,

and when I count to three, I
want you to open your eyes,

sit up in your chair,
do not awaken.

There's a fly on your
nose. One, two, and three...

All of you open your
eyes, sit up in your chair.

There's a fly on the
very tip of your nose.

Get him off. Get him off.

He tickles you... he's on
the very tip of your nose.

Get him out of there.
He's buzzing around

and he's going in your hair...
in your hair on top of your head.

The fly is going all over
the place in your hair.

Now it's buzzing
around and around.

That fly is buzzing
everywhere and all over.

The fly is buzzing.

There it goes... watching it.

Buzz, buzz, buzz,
it's... buzz, buzz.

Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

I'm sorry this has to happen.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

All of you... freeze!

Sorry about that. Let's see
how creative these people are.

When I count to three,
all of you on the stage

can open your eyes and stand up.

You think you're
washing machines.

One, two, and
three... All of you up.

You're a washing machine,
you're a heck of a washing machine,

you're a great washing machine.

Look how old-fashioned
Mr. Mooney is...

One of those, you know,
up and down things.

She's wobbling... agitator.

This must be an Irish
washing machine, I don't know.

You're getting clogged up.

I think that's the kind
you put cents into.

And freeze. Very
creative people.

When I count to three, all of
you on the stage are coffeepots.

One, two, and three...
You're a coffeepot.

Isn't that wild?

Everybody does it differently.

They know they're doing
it, but they... (laughs)

We, we have a regular grind and
a big redheaded drip over here.

(laughs) Look at the... I
don't know what that is

over there, to
tell you the truth.

Freeze!

When I count to three,
all of you on the stage

are monsters in a monster movie.

One, two, and three... you're
mean and you're ugly and...

Everybody is an actor,
everybody in the world

is a frustrated actor,
and they're all...

Oh, oh, wait, freeze!

That's enough of that.
That's enough of that.

Uh, uh, when I count to three,

all of you on the
stage, except for Lucy,

sit on your chairs
and-and string some beads.

It's good therapy. You
can make a necklace.

One, two, and three... sit down.

Go ahead, you sit down and relax

and have fun and
string some beads.

These two are perfect
for a bit that I do

when I get these kind of
people, and I want to do it.

I've got my props over here.

When I count to three,
Lucy and Mr. Mooney,

both of you are going to be,

uh, Stan Laurel
and Oliver Hardy.

Lucy, on the count of
three, you're Stan Laurel,

and Mr. Mooney, on the count
of three, you're Oliver Hardy,

and you're in a, in a movie

and you're filming a scene
where you're in a park

and it's very hot and
Oliver is drinking water

and, and it's fun, and
when I count to three,

the rest of you will
just kind of sleep

while they make this movie.

One, two, and three!

(à la Stan Laurel):
Better hurry, Ollie.

(à la Oliver Hardy):
Don't worry, Stanley.

I don't want to be late, Ollie.

Don't worry, Stanley,
we've got plenty of time.

What time is it, Ollie?

I'll look.

PAT: Oh!

Oh, oh, they usually drink it.

(glass breaks)

What a mess you've
got me into, Stanley.

I'm sorry, Ollie.

I didn't mean to, Ollie.

Sleep... that'll be all.

Feel relaxed.

We'd better do
the group therapy.

When I count to three,
all of you on the stage

are beautiful,
graceful ballet dancers,

and you'll stand up and do
a beautiful, graceful ballet.

One, two, and three... up!

(lilting classical
music playing)

Oh, look at that.

Are you ready?

Oh, that's beautiful.

Great dancers we have tonight.

Freeze!

Good thing it didn't
happen in midair. (chuckles)

I think I'm gonna send
them all back to their seats.

Uh, when I count to three,
all of you on the stage

will go back to your
seats in the audience,

but as you go
back to your seats,

you're going to dance,
'cause you're all great dancers.

You're gonna do an exotic
voodoo dance back to your seat

and then when you get back
to your seats in the audience,

go to sleep and I'll come
out and wake you up.

On the count of
three, all of you dance.

One, two, and three!

(jaunty music playing)

Wow.

Thank you very much, and
we hope you enjoyed the show.

Thank you very much.

I'll be right out
there to wake up

those very nice
people. Good night.

(jaunty music continues)

- (music ends with a flourish)
- L-Lucy, when I count to three,

you'll wake up
feeling marvelous.

One, two, and
three... Wake up, Lucy.

There you go.

(Lucy and Pat sigh)

You were great.

Oh, hi.

When is the show going on?

Oh, it was and you were
on. You were marvelous.

Really?

I'm gonna wake up
Sleeping Beauty over here.

- Mr. Mooney is his name, right?
- Oh, yes.

Don't forget to do
something about his insomnia.

He hasn't slept in three years.

(laughing): Oh.

He really does have insomnia!

Oh, I thought he
was putting me on.

All right.

Um, Mr. Mooney, from now on,

whenever you have trouble
going to sleep at night,

uh, I'm gonna give you a
post-hypnotic suggestion.

All you have to do
is say to yourself,

"Nighty night, snooky ookums,"

and whenever you
say that to yourself,

you go to sleep at night,
you have no problems.

Remember, the signal is
"Nighty night, snooky ookums."

Now, when I count to three,

wake up, Mr. Mooney,
feeling wonderful.

One, two, three... wake up.

There you go. Thanks a lot.

Can I have my hat, Lucy?

You were... this thing up here.

Oh.

Thank you, you
were a lot of fun.

- Good-bye! Bye-bye.
- LUCY: Thank you.

PAT: Thank you.

Oh, my, isn't she amazing?

Well, to someone as
gullible as you are, yes.

Personally I think the
whole evening was wasted.

Post-hypnotic suggestion?

Oh, really.

Aren't you even going to try it?

Well, of course not.

Do you really believe
that a grown man is going

to put himself to
sleep simply by saying

"Nighty night, snooky ookums"?

I don't know why you wouldn't...

Mr. Mooney.

Mr. Mooney, wake up.

Snooky ookums, wake...

Miss Pat! Miss Pat!

Snooky.

Oh, I got to get you
out of here, Snooky.