05x22 - Lucy Meets Sheldon Leonard

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

- Mrs. Carmichael?
- Yes, sir?

These reports have to be
typed, and these filed right away.

But, Mr. Mooney,
it's : already.

Thank you, Mrs. Carmichael,
I still know how to tell the time.

But all this work will take
me at least two hours.

Will I get paid time
and a half for overtime?

No, you won't get paid anything.

But that's not fair!

I-I'll be working later
than anybody else.

You got here later
than anybody else.

Well, I had a good excuse
for being late this morning.

Good? Yes.

Believable? No.

(mocking): "I'm sorry,
Mr. Mooney, for being late,

but the smog was so
thick I couldn't find the bus."

Well, I couldn't.

Oh, get to work, please.

Yes, sir.

Working overtime for no money!

Nobody appreciates
anything around here.

Oh, yes, they do.

Only this morning I called
our president, Mr. Cheever,

and I told him that
my chair was worn out,

and he told me that I
would get a new chair.

Yes, indeed.

They reward people around
here who use their heads.

Then how come your
chair wore out in the seat?

Lucy?

Oh, come on in, Mary Jane.

Oh, Lucy, I've got the
most wonderful news!

You'll never guess
what happened to me!

You'll never guess
in a million years!

- Well, what happened?
- Guess!

Oh, come on, now, Mary Jane,
I'm no good at guessing games.

I'll give you a little hint:
what's the best thing

that can happen
to a working girl?

(gasps) You're getting married!

No.

No? You're engaged?

No.

You got a date?

No. I guess I'd better tell you.

I got a raise!

Oh, Mary Jane,
that is wonderful.

Is it much of a raise?

Well, no, but at least
now my take-home pay

is worth taking home.

(chuckles): Oh...
that's wonderful.

When do you think
you're gonna get a raise?

Me get a raise? Ha!

Mr. Mooney won't even
pay me for working overtime,

let alone give me a raise.

When did he give
you your last one?

Well, let me see, it
was on Flag Day...

I don't remember the year,

but our flag still had stars.

Oh, that's terrible.

- Eh, well...
- How much money are you making now, Lucy?

Oh, I'm ashamed to tell you.

But every time I
file my income tax

they send me a sympathy card.

Well, have you ever
hinted to Mr. Mooney

that you wanted more money?

Hinted?! Look, I've
done everything.

I've skipped lunch, telling
him I couldn't afford to eat.

I told him I have
to walk to work

because I can't
even afford a bus.

The only time I ever
got a reaction out of him

was once when I came in
with big holes in my coat.

Oh, and he gave you a raise?

No, he gave me a
needle and thread

and told me to stop
looking like a slob.

Oh, darn it! I always forget
that this plant is artificial.

I just don't understand
it, Mary Jane.

It seems to me that
everybody in that bank

has gotten a raise except me.

Well, I just think you're
using the wrong approach.

Well, what is the best
way to get a raise?

The best way to get a raise
is to point out to Mr. Mooney

what a good worker you
are... That you're never absent,

you're never late, and
you never make mistakes.

Yeah, well, what's
the next best way?

Have you ever tried to
appeal to his good side?

I never been able to find it.

Well, Lucy, honestly, you've
been there long enough...

You're entitled to a raise.

You're telling me!

Well, you should
just ask for it.

- I have!
- Be firm about it.

Go in there in the morning
and beard the lion in his den.

Okay, but it would be
easier getting a raise

from a real lion.

(phone rings)

Mooney speaking.

Oh, hello, Mr. Cheever.

Yes, sir, the new
chair arrived, sir.

It's a beauty!

I've just been admiring it, sir.

Thank you very
much, Mr. Cheever.

Thank you.

(clears throat)

Oh! Oh... whee!

Whee!

- Whee!
- Good morning, Mr. Mooney.

(clears throat)

Mm-hmm.

Uh, how-how are you
feeling, Mr. Mooney?

Oh, I'm all right.

And how is Mrs. Mooney feeling?

She's all right.

A-And how was your...

No, you cannot have a raise.

How did you know I was
going to ask for a raise?

Mrs. Carmichael,
when you come in here,

on time, and inquire about
my health and my wife's health,

you obviously aren't aiming
for a cut in your salary.

- Please get to work.
- Mr. Mooney,

I've been working
here a long time now,

and it seems as though
everybody in this bank

has gotten a raise except me.

True.

Well... Mr. Mooney, I
realize I haven't been

a very efficient secretary...

True.

And I am almost always late.

True.

And I-I do take
a little too long

on my coffee breaks.

True.

And I'm not a very good typist.

True.

But, Mr. Mooney...

you're not gonna give
me a raise, are you?

True!

Why won't you?!

Because, as you just
said, you're not efficient,

you're always late, you take
too long for your coffee breaks

and you are not a good typist.

Yeah, but you can't think of
one single reason on your own!

Mrs. Carmichael, we, uh...

we have a very
busy day ahead of us.

Please get to work.

(annoyed sigh)

Mr. Mooney.

What now?

I think you are taking a
very unappreciative attitude

after all I've
done for this bank.

Just what have you
done for this bank?

Well, uh...

In what condition was this
bank before I came to work for it?

It was the third largest
financial institution

in the city, with
assets of $ million

and branches.

And what condition is it in now?

It is the third largest
financial institution

in the city, with
assets of $ million

and branches.

You see? I haven't
hurt it one bit!

Back... back... back.

I still think you ought
to give me a raise.

Nobody gives a raise;
you have to earn it!

Well, how?

Either by being
very efficient...

Which, in your case, is
too ridiculous to discuss...

Or by performing

some outstanding
service for the bank.

Like what?

Well, Mr. Cheever gave
his secretary an increase

because she devised a
new system of bookkeeping.

She also suggested an
advertising slogan for the bank.

She also wears a
sweater two sizes too small.

Mrs. Carmichael, this is
no time to be facetious.

Now, let me give
you a word of advice.

Remember, the laborer
is worthy of his hire.

The climb up the ladder
of success is not easy.

How do you suppose I
got where I am today?

You married the boss's daughter.

I did not!

She was his niece!

Oh.

I work very hard to
maintain my position here.

I work extra hours.

For example, today, I am
having lunch in my office

so I can be here
for an appointment

with an important client.

To get ahead, you have
to work, work, work, work!

Now, you think about
that, Mrs. Carmichael.

Mr. Mooney.

- What?
- Uh, I'm gonna take

ten more minutes
on my coffee break

and just think about that.

You are impossible!

You got your new chair, huh?

(phone rings)

Mooney speaking.

Oh, yes, Mr. Cheever.

Yes, I'm expecting
Mr. Leonard anytime, sir.

Well, I know he's a very
important client of ours, sir,

but I've never met
him personally.

He did?

He produced The Danny
Thomas Show, yeah.

d*ck Van d*ke.

Oh... and I Spy.

Oh, well, thank you, sir,
that's a big help to me.

Yes, indeed. Thanks very much.

Oh, and, uh, thanks
again for the chair.

I flipped over it.

Uh, good-bye,
sir. (clears throat)

(clears throat)

(intercom buzzes)

Yes?

Mr. Sheldon Leonard
is here to see you, sir.

I'm expecting him.

Send him in, please.

(humming quietly)

Mr. Leonard!

Why, it's so nice
to see you, sir.

Thank you. Have I
interrupted your lunch?

No, no... uh, oh, no!

I had, uh, lunch, uh, hours ago.

Yes. Oh, uh,

Mr. Leonard, won't
you sit down, sir?

- There you are.
- Thank you.

Make yourself comfortable.

You know, Mr. Leonard,
although we've never met,

I feel that I've
known you for years.

I used to go to all those
gangster movies you were in.

- Oh...
- I'm quite a fan of yours.

Yes, I made a lot of
those gangster movies.

Yeah. In fact, I
still get bumped off

three times a night on
The Late, Late Show.

(chuckles)

Well, you were so believable

- as a gangster.
- Maybe I was too believable.

Every time I stepped out of
the house, the cops arrested me.

Well, now, surely you
explained to them who you were?

Well, yes, I did, but
from force of habit

I'd say it like this, I'd say:

(gangster voice): All right,
get your hands off of me,

copper, or you'll wind
up in a cement kimono.

Well, it must have been
quite a loss to your public

when you gave up acting to
become a producer and director.

What public?

(chuckling): No. I was
one of those actors

that people would see on
the street, and they'd say:

"Hey, hey, look, there goes,
um, uh, what's his name!"

The face was familiar, but they
couldn't remember the name.

Well, you have to
expect that of people.

From my own kids?

Yeah.

Twice the little finks
turned me in for the reward.

(Mr. Mooney chuckles)

Well, I must say, it was
a lucky day for television

when you gave up acting
and became a producer.

Oh, I don't know about that.

Oh, yes, it was, it was, indeed.

Why, anyone who owns
a television set today

knows the name Sheldon Leonard.

Except my kids.

They still refer to me
as "what's his name."

Ah, well, I won't
forget your name.

No?

No, sir, I love those
television shows of yours.

Yes, that Danny Thomas
Show, and d*ck Van d*ke; I Spy.

That is the most wonderful show.

The way you have worked
that around so that the...

- (Leonard chuckles) -Why,
Mr. Leonard, you're blushing.

Am I embarrassing you?

Well, yes... but
please continue.

You forgot Andy Griffith
Show and Gomer Pyle.

Andy Griffith and
Gomer Pyle, yes, I...

And I understand that you are
currently creating a new series.

Well, yes, that's right;
we're sh**ting the pilot now.

You're sh**ting the pilot?

(chuckles)

That's an expression
in television.

It means that we're making a
test, the sample film, you know.

- In fact, that's why I'm here to see you.
- Oh?

Yes, we have a scene in
which there's a bank holdup,

and I think it would
be more realistic

if we filmed it in
an actual bank,

so, with your permission,
I'd like to film it here.

F-Film it, uh, here?

- Yes.
- I-In this bank?

- Yes.
- (Mr. Mooney stammering)

Well, now, I'd like to
oblige you, Mr. Leonard,

but that would
disrupt our entire day.

Well, I don't intend doing it
during your business hours.

No, we'll film it at night,
after the bank is closed.

Well, it's unprecedented
and against all regulations.

We're bonded and fully insured.

Well, I'm afraid not.

I-It's quite out
of the question.

The screen credit will read:

Technical advisor...
Theodore Mooney.

That's Theodore J.Mooney,
and when do we start?

We want to film
it tomorrow night,

but I'd like to come in
tonight and rehearse the scene

with my principal
actors, if you don't mind.

By all means.

And don't you worry

about anything going
wrong, Mr. Mooney.

I'll watch your money
as if it were my own.

(chuckles) Well, with all the
shows you do, most of it is.

(chuckling):
That's a little joke.

I just made that up right
on the spur of the moment.

Maybe you could
use it in your...

It's not very funny.

Uh, is there anything
else I can do for you, sir?

Well, I would like
to familiarize myself

with the layout
of the bank here.

In the words of the trade,
I'd like to case the joint.

Oh, case the joint.

By all means, help yourself.

Make yourself at home.

Oh, I'd better give
you a key, Mr. Leonard.

- Oh, yes...
- Yes.

Now here's the key to
the front door of the bank,

so you can use that tonight.

Ah, thank you.

- You're welcome.
- Thanks very much.

Great pleasure meeting you.

"Technical advisor...
Theodore J. Mooney."

Ah!

Oh!

- Uh-oh, the bank's kind of busy.
- Oh, yeah.

Give me your check, Mary Jane,

- I'll have it cashed
for you, - Oh!

So you won't
have to wait in line.

Okay, thanks.

Would you like the bills in
any particular denomination?

Well, I'd like it in tens,
but it's only for five dollars.

(laughs)

This will only take a minute.

Maggie, when you get a chance.

- What's the matter?
- Shh.

- What's the matter? -Shh.

The bank is going to be held up.

Held up... how do you know?

That man behind
us is a gangster.

A gangster?

Yeah, look... no, don't look.

I don't want him
to get suspicious.

Now you can look.

Don't look so long.

Lucy, how do you
know he's a gangster?

Shh! Because I
recognize his face.

Just look at him.

Don't look.

Are you sure he's a gangster?

Of course I'm sure.

(gasps) Why, he's probably
one of the ten most wanted crooks

in the whole country.

Doesn't he look
like a crook to you?

Don't look.

You know something?

What?

I think I saw his
picture in the post office.

(gasps) Boy, he's got a
criminal face if I ever saw one,

with those beady eyes
and the thin, cruel lips...

Look at that... And
that low-slung forehead,

and look at that receding chin.

He hasn't got a receding chin.

Shh, he probably had a chin job.

We'd better call
the police, Lucy.

Hey, we can't call the police.

He hasn't done anything yet.

I'm going over to see if I
can hear what he's saying.

(dialing phone)

Hello, Frankie, it's all
set for the bank tonight.

Yep, it's a perfect setup.

Have the boys here at : .

No, we can't wait.

We have to sh**t the pilot.

I was right.

- He is going to rob the bank tonight.
- What?

Not only that, he's
going to make his escape

- in a stolen airplane.
- How do you know?

He just said he was
going to sh**t the pilot.

Let's call the police.

No, now wait a minute,
we don't have any evidence.

Well, you said he was
going to rob the bank tonight.

Yeah, and I'm going to
be right here when he does.

Lucy, you're crazy.

No, I'm not.

The minute he starts
robbing this bank,

I'm going to catch
him red-handed.

You better tell Mr. Mooney.

I will not.

There's probably a
reward out for that crook.

Mr. Mooney's the
type who would keep it.

Besides, this is my chance
to do something for the bank

so I can earn my raise.

There's got to be an
easier way to get a raise.

Well, there is,
but I'm not the type

to wear a sweater
two sizes too small.

Now, listen, this is
what we're going to do.

- We?
- Yes, we.

Now, listen...

Lucy...

Will you please tell me

why we have to dress
up like trick or treat?

I already told you...

So they'll think we're
scrubwomen and not k*ll us.

Well, I hope not... I wouldn't
want to get caught dead

- in this outfit.
- Never mind.

Shh.

LEONARD: Hey,
Charlie, you wait in the car.

Go, go... go...

Okay, fellas, come on.

Oh, the nerve of him, coming
right through the front door.

Boy, that's really
something, Lucy.

- Shh, don't talk.
- Listen...

- Don't talk.
- Well, you're talking.

Let's not talk about
not talking... shush.

This is really a setup.

It's a perfect setup.

Yeah, there's a good place
for us to line the people up

when we start
sh**ting... Right there.

Now, remember, this whole thing

has got to go like clockwork
or we blow the whole bit.

Now, Louie, you go
back of the cashiers' cage

and scoop up all
the money, right?

Go.

You, you get ready to unpack
the nitro so you can blow the vault.

All right?

You stay at the door,
keep an eye on the...

Louie.

Hey, Louie!

Now, where did he get to?

What's the matter, boss?

Louie disappeared.

Go get him, will you?

You bet.

Now, I want you to
remember that you got to keep

an eye on this
door all the time.

(Leonard continues,
indistinctly)

LEONARD: Harry.

Hey, Harry!

Harry! Louie!

Where did they get to?

Everybody is disappearing here.

- Go find 'em, will ya?
- Okay, I'll get 'em.

Bring 'em out. I
gotta talk with 'em.

(grunts)

LEONARD: Boys?

Louie, Harry, Pete, somebody!

Where did everybody get to?

What are you doing?!

Oh, excuse me, I thought
we was here alone.

No, we wasn't here alone.

Oh.

Did you see some
men go back there?

- Men?
- Yeah.

If there was men back there,
you think we'd be out here?

(guffawing)

I'd better go see for myself.

(shouting in pain)

You girls...!

All right, crook!

Okay, you crook!

All right, you hold
him, hold him now.

- Yeah, I got him. -What...?!
- Now, don't, don't you move

or we'll let you have it.

What are you talking about?

You were going to rob
this bank, you dirty crook.

I am not robbing anything.

I'm going to sh**t a pilot.

That's m*rder!

That's even worse than robbery.

Look, ladies, let me explain.

This is a mistake...
I'm not a crook.

Never mind... I know a
crook when I see one,

and I've seen your
face a thousand times.

Yeah, of course you have.

I'm, I'm, I'm what's-his-name.

You got me so confused,
now even I can't remember.

- Somebody's coming.
- Oh.

- Maybe another member of his g*ng.
- Yeah.

- Hold him there.
- Yeah.

- Now, now, look, ladies...
- Quiet.

He's holding up his own bank.

What are you talking about?!

(stammers)

What's going on here?!

- What's going on here?
- Mr. Mooney,

he was robbing your bank.

- Oh, he's not doing anything of the kind.
- He's a big crook.

- Boy, we got him.
- Get your hands off...

Come on, get your hands off him!

He's, he's robbing the bank.

You don't know what
you're talking about.

You don't know what
you're talking about.

He's got a whole
bunch of men here.

- Oh, be quiet.
- He was robbing the bank.

- Oh! Oh, my!
- You're making a big mistake.

You're making a mistake!

You mean he's not
here to rob the bank?

Of course not! I...
oh, I'm terribly sorry.

- Now, what happened?
- I don't know.

All the years I've
been in the business,

I never had to
fight any gangsters

as tough as these two broads.

Well, who are you and
what are you doing here?

I'm rehearsing a new
television series here.

A television series?

- Yes.
- Yes, he's a well-known actor-producer.

Actor... oh, of course.

Oh, I should have
recognized you.

Why, you're, uh, uh, uh...

You're, uh, uh, well,
whatchamacall-him, uh...

That's better than
"what's-his-name."

- He's Sheldon Leonard!
- He's Sheldon Leonard!

Oh, oh, Mr. Leonard,
oh, I feel so embarrassed.

I'm terribly sorry.

Come on, Mary Jane,
let's get out of here.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Wha...?

Just a moment, you two!

Just a moment.

I want to know what's
going on around here.

- Well, uh...
- LEONARD: Yeah, so do I.

Yeah, well, uh... I'm
Mr. Mooney's secretary, and,

and I saw you
robbing the bank, and,

and Mr. Mooney said
I could earn a raise

if I did something extra and
special, and when I heard

that, th-that you, that you
were going to sh**t a pilot,

well, I thought you were crooks
and, and that if I caught you,

I-I'd get a raise and, and
the Department of Income Tax

could stop sending
me sympathy cards.

What'd she say?

I wouldn't know.

I speak seven
languages but not hers.

Oh... I'm terribly sorry.

Come on, Mary Jane.

No, w-w-wait, wait a minute,
come, come back here, come here.

What, uh...?

You ever done any acting?

Acting?

- Yeah.
- No, sir.

Well, I-I suddenly got this
idea for a new television series.

You see, it would be about
this, this kooky redheaded girl,

you see, and she works in a bank

and she gets into all sorts
of impossible situations and...

Forget it, nobody'd
ever believe it.