02x16 - Gopher's Opportunity/The Switch/Home Sweet Home

[bunniefuu]

( Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing)

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure
Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( upbeat theme playing)

JULIE: Hello, Hi.
Excuse me, please.

JULIE: Hi. Hi,
welcome aboard. Hi.

Julie, have they got here yet?

No, but believe me,
I'm on the lookout.

Mr. and Mrs. Phil Livingston,

Palm Springs, California, right?

Yeah. You know, it's
been about four years

since I've seen Phil.

Really? Did I tell
you we went to...?

Hotel management
school together.

I told you. Just a lucky guess.

Boy, what a great guy he is.

And has he made it.

Well, you know,
you're making it too.

Yeah, but he just bought a
big, beautiful hotel in Arizona.

One little hotel.

He married a
gorgeous society girl.

Well, you could marry one too.

And he's a millionaire.

Now you're talking.
Has he got a brother?

Hello, sir. Gopher?

Ah, yes, sir. I
wanna talk with you.

Ah, is this about my
idea? Which idea?

Every time I open
my suggestion box,

it's stuffed full of your ideas.

"For passengers
that don't smoke,

let's make the top deck of the
ship a non-smoking section."

That's ridiculous.

You do it on airlines.

You convinced me, Gopher.

I'll use this the
moment we set sail.

For confetti.

PHIL: Gopher!

Phil! Ha-ha-ha!

Gopher, I'd like you to
meet my wife, Melody.

Melody, this is Gopher.

Oh, I've heard so many
super things about you.

You must have been
talking to my mom.

I saw your picture
in the society page,

but it sure doesn't
do you justice.

Gopher, you always know
the diplomatic thing to say.

Now, what did I tell you?

I think he'd be
absolutely perfect.

Perfect for what?

It's a surprise,
we'll tell you later.

Why not ask him now?
Ask me what? What?

Honey, whose idea was this?

What idea? It was
yours, darling...

Look, let me handle it my way.

We'll spring it
on him at dinner.

Gopher, we'll see you later.

Come on. Wait. Spring what?

Phil, wait a minute,

you can't just leave
me in suspense like this.

I guess they can.

Hello. May I help you?

I'm Maggie Walsh. I work
with Ken Breyer, the magician.

Oh, yes, of course.

How nice to meet you.
My name is Julie McCoy.

I'm the cruise director. Hi.

Wow, it must really be fun
working with a magician.

Oh, it's more than fun.

I mean, it's
terrific. He's terrific.

I mean, well, we're... I
don't know how to put this.

I think I get the picture.

Well, Miss Walsh,
you and Mr. Breyer

have adjoining cabins
on the Aloha Deck.

Cabins 272 and 274.

He hasn't checked in yet.

Well, I'd better get
these things unpacked.

See you later. Bye. Bye.

Excuse me. Sorry.

Hm.

A winner.

Sorry, she's spoken for.

That's the magician's,
uh, assistant.

Oh.

Maybe I can make him disappear.

The Great Breyer,
at your service.

Oh, our magician. Let's see.

Ken Breyer, yes. You're
on the Aloha Deck, 272.

I'm Al Breyer. Ken
had an emergency

and he asked me to sub for him.

Oh, I hope your brother's okay.

Oh, he's fine. Don't
worry about him.

His emergency was
a girl in Las Vegas.

Oh.

You are a magician?

Oh, yes. I'm... I'm a
very fine magician.

Oh, well, that's terrific.

Well, can you pull a
rabbit out of your hat?

Well, um, I can try.

Some hats.

(gasps)

Look! Oh!

No, I'm sorry. Not this hat.

There's a bird.

( chuckles): Yeah, all right.

Come on.

Why don't you go find
yourself some nice statue?

That's terrific. Oh,
wait, wait, wait.

Whoa!

Wow, thank you.

Uh, well, we were
expecting your brother,

and so was a Miss Maggie Walsh.

Oh, Ken's assistant,
right? Yeah.

Well, she'll have no
trouble learning my act.

Well, I think she's
more interested

in your brother's act. Ah.

Well, then, don't
you bother yourself.

I'll smooth things
out with Maggie.

Well, if you can do that,

that'll be one of
your better tricks.

I know. I'll see you later.

( laughs)

( upbeat theme playing)

Captain, are we having our
Purser's Lobby redecorated?

No, I'm afraid we're having
our lives redecorated.

By Mrs. Waterhouse.

Mrs. Waterhouse is
taking another cruise. Oh.

But why the furniture?

Mrs. Waterhouse is moving in.

Moving in? Mh-hm.

She sold her home and
has booked passage with us

for the next five years.

Oh.

Watch out for
that clock, dearies.

Grandfather belonged
to my grandmother.

Or was it the other way around?

Welcome aboard, Mrs. Waterhouse.

Not welcome aboard,
Captain Stubing.

Welcome home.

Isn't it wonderful, Julie?

Yes, uh, wonderful.

Oh, I'm so excited

and I've got marvellous plans
for everybody on the crew.

I must remind you that my crew

is here to work,
Mrs. Waterhouse.

Oh, now, come, now. Don't
be an old fuddy-duddy, Merrill.

We're gonna be
like one big family.

Ah, can't wait to get
my things in my cabin.

Well, let me go get
you a steward to help.

Darling, do you remember
the one I had last time?

The old grouch with the long
face, never cracked a smile?

Charles Fletcher. He is
assigned to your deck,

but I'll try to switch him.

No, no, no. I don't want
to cause any problems.

Ta-ta.

Bye-bye.

( foghorn blows)

( upbeat theme playing)

Move furniture,
hang chandeliers,

do this, do that.

Charlie, stop grousing.

I swear, if you smiled
once, I'd pass out cold.

( knocking on door)

Come in.

Happy housewarming.

Welcome back, Mrs. Waterhouse.

Welcome.

Wait, wait a minute.

There you go. Oh, my gosh.

Look at that. Yeah.
Aren't they pretty?

Gee, it's good to see you again.

Oh, it's been... It was kind
of lonely those two years.

I mean, you know, sitting
by myself in that big house.

But I'm back with friends
again, a whole new family.

People I can do things for.

Oh, you don't have to do

anything for us,
Mrs. Waterhouse.

Oh, yes I do.

I've got projects for everybody.

Doc, I wanna get
you married off.

Well, I've already
been married off,

and on and off and on and off.

No, no, no. This
time, for keeps.

Hetty, are you
proposing, you rascal?

Oh, come on, cut that
out. I'm too young for you.

Isaac, I have a project for you.

You still want to
make me an actor.

Well, I mean look at that face.

Doesn't that belong
on the screen?

That's not gonna be easy,
because the rest of me

is staying on the ship. Oh.

Julie, don't think
I've forgotten you.

I have a project for you too.

You're gonna have a
wonderful career at sea.

Well, Mrs. Waterhouse,

I already have a
great career at sea.

No, no. What I mean
is you are going to be

the first female
captain of a cruise ship.

Oh, is that all? Hm.

Oh, great. You're gonna
make Julie a captain,

Isaac a movie star
and me miserable.

Don't you have any
plans for Charlie?

Uh...

No, Charlie. No. Don't be silly.

Come on, Hetty.

You must have something
in mind for Charlie.

Yeah.

That's the matter with
people onboard ship.

You don't know how to
mind your own business.

Everybody out, out.
JULIE: Okay, bye-bye.

I should have brought the piano.

( knocking on door)

Oh, Ken, I was getting
worried about you.

Oh. Oh.

Hi, I'm Al, Ken's brother.

Maggie, right? Yes. Hi.

Where's Ken?

He's not here. He
couldn't make it.

Nothing's wrong, is
there? I mean, he's all right?

Oh, yeah, yeah. He... Oh.

He's fine. He had
to go to Vegas.

It's another girl, isn't it?

Of course not.

You don't have to cover for him.

Hey, look, I don't know
anything about that

but if you're worried
about the act, don't be.

Ken taught me everything I know.

For your sake, I hope he
taught you how to work alone.

( sobbing)

Thanks a lot, brother.

( dramatic theme playing)

Oh. Hey. Okay, you two,
I can't wait until tonight.

What's the big secret?

Go on, tell him before
he dies of suspense.

Okay. Gopher, how'd you
like to be in the hotel business?

Never mind that,
what's the secret?

That's it. Phil wants you
to manage his new hotel.

Me?

Manage a hotel?
You're putting me on.

You're just the
guy I'm looking for.

Now, Gopher, what do you say?

Well, uh, I'm... I'm...

I think I'm getting a
speech impediment.

( both laughing)

It's a gorgeous hotel.

Two swimming pools, a
professional golf course.

We're even putting
in a health club.

Oh, forget the health club.

I thought it over.
It's not that practical.

But you loved the idea
when I came up with it.

We'll keep it on the back
burner. Now, what do you say?

Well, Phil, gee, I'm
very flattered, but,

well, this ship is home to me.

I mean, um, the crew's
like a family to me.

Whatever you're getting,
I'll double your salary.

Who needs family when
you have rich friends?

Then you'll take the job?

Well, please, it's a
big decision for me.

Can I have some
time to think it over?

Sure, kid. Could you let
me know in the morning?

Gopher.

Maybe sooner. Ahem.

( upbeat theme playing)

Now, look at all these lovelies.

Don't tell me we can't
find you a wife in this lot.

Not one of them
can compare to you.

After they made you,
they broke the mold.

That's true.

What about her?

I think before they made
her, they broke the mold.

You are terrible.
But I'm not giving up.

Isaac, you are slouching.

Would Robert Redford

or Sidney Poitier
slouch that way?

Well, they would if
they were on their feet

serving drinks all day.

Oh, uh, excuse me.

There you are, Charlie.

Hey, we just have enough
time for a game of shuffleboard.

I have my work to do.

Oh, you can do
that later. Come on.

Now, just take the
stick and hit the disc.

Take the stick, hit the disc.

There you go. Come
on. Do this, do that.

Go on, go on.

( suspenseful theme playing)

Mr. Fletcher, don't
you have duties?

Yes, sir.

Now, look what you've done.

Merrill Stubing,
you're an old spoilsport.

( majestic theme playing)

JULIE: Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

Tonight, to baffle
and bedazzle you,

the Princess proudly
presents the Great Breyer.

( audience applauds)

( light jazz music playing)

Here we have

your basic, simple, little dove.

Oh... ( audience coos)

( audience applauds)

Come on. That's it.

Actually, this dove
is not that simple.

It's got a degree from UCLA.

Okay, we will put our
educated dove in the box, like so.

Oh, please let this thing work.

I don't want to come
off like a complete fool.

All right, here we go!

( audience applauds)

Thank you.

( audience laughs)

Well, nobody said the
Great Breyer was perfect.

( chuckles)

But then again
maybe he is perfect.

( audience applauds)

Hello.

Charlie, Charlie.

Oh, here comes trouble.

Charlie, it is not fair for you

to still be working
at this hour.

Now, come on, let's go dancing.

You know I'm not allowed
to dance with the passengers.

But you do wanna
dance with me, right?

I didn't say that. Okay.

Clear this tray and
we'll dance right here.

Get rid of the tray,
dance. Do this, do that.

Uh-huh.

This isn't so bad, is it?

Now, Mrs. Waterhouse...
Hetty. Hetty.

Charlie. Charlie, listen.

The people in Promenade
352 are complaining.

You were supposed to deliver
their drinks 20 minutes ago.

I'm sorry. I'm coming.
You did it again.

They are not the only
passengers on the ship.

Mr. Fletcher was
looking after me.

I'll say he was.

For my next feat,
ladies and gentlemen,

I'm gonna need some
help from the audience.

My assistant isn't feeling well,

so I would like to
ask for some help

from a young lady
in the audience.

Miss McCoy, would
you be so kind?

No. No.

( all applaud)

Come on, Miss McCoy, be a sport.

Yes, sir.

Come on, folks, let's show
her a little encouragement.

Miss McCoy, thank you very much.

Sure.

How tall are you?

I'm about 5-foot-6.

Five-foot-6. How
would you like to be

2-foot-9 and 2-foot-9?

That's right. It's the old

"sawing the pretty
young girl in half" trick.

Oh, no. No. Oh, come on.

( all applaud)

Actually, this is how I
lost my last assistant.

Well, really I lost
only the bottom half.

( laughs)

Miss McCoy, if you
would just climb in here,

we'll try it again.

Maybe this time
we'll get it right.

Whoa.

Do you think that maybe we
could do this some other time,

like, say, next
February? Why February?

Well, that's when I'll
be away on vacation.

( laughs)

AL: All right, just lean on me.

Are you comfortable? Uh, sure.

Good.

Oh.

Oh, lot of fun.

All right, Miss McCoy.

Take one deep breath, this is
only gonna hurt for a second.

( gasps)

( Julie screams)

( grunts)

( screams) AL: There!

Just one more.

Ooh.

Ooh!

( chuckles)

No... Ooh. Whoa.

I hope I didn't make
any silly mistakes.

( indistinct murmurs)

( all applaud)

Bravo, bravo.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

That's it for tonight, folks. I
hope you enjoyed the show.

The bar is open

and the dance floor is
empty, so have a good time.

Oh, well, wait. Wait.
What about me?

You can't leave me here!

Wait, come on.

Hey, that's not
funny. Come on back.

Doc, Gopher, come
on. Get me out of here.

JULIE: I can't believe you guys

left me there in two pieces.

How can you think twice
about it? Manage a hotel?

If it was me, I'd already be
interviewing chambermaids.

( laughs)

Really, Gopher,

it's not that we aren't
gonna miss you,

but, well, how can you let an
opportunity like this pass by?

Well, one thing's for sure,

the captain isn't gonna miss me.

Hey, now, there you're wrong.

The captain thinks
you're one in a million.

Well, I just read your
latest suggestion.

To save electricity,

let's turn off the ship's
lights at midnight.

Now, tell me, Gopher,

how are the passengers
supposed to find their way

back to their own cabins?

They don't anyway.

( both snicker)

Who would think that on
such a tiny piece of paper,

one could get so much nonsense?

Gopher, you're one in a million.

See?

May I sit down?

If you tell me to get
lost, I'll understand.

Oh, no, please. Thanks.

I caught your act.
You're very good.

Thank you. I'm not
my brother, but...

I'm sorry, I didn't mean
to bring up a sore subject.

That's all right.

I've cried him out of
my system, practically.

Well, good. You're too
nice for him anyway.

( sighs)

You're pretty nice yourself.

Listen, if you'd like,

I'd be happy to work the
act for the rest of the cruise.

Oh, I'd like that a lot.

You're really very good.

Much funnier than Ken.

That's the first time
anybody's ever said

that I was better
than Ken at anything.

( upbeat theme playing)

( knocking on door)

Come in.

Ah, Captain Stubing,
good evening, sir.

Uh, sir, I wanted to
discuss with you...

I hope this isn't another one

of your harebrained
ideas, Gopher.

Sir, this isn't an idea.

Neither were any of the others.

Sir, this concerns
my professional future.

Your professional future,
Gopher, would be more secure

if you spent more time working

and less time stuffing
the suggestion box.

Well, if that's the
way you feel, sir,

then why did you put
up the suggestion box?

That's the best suggestion
you've made yet.

Take it down.

Take it down yourself, sir.

I quit!

( dramatic theme playing)

What's eating him?

( majestic theme playing)

( knocking on door)

Oh, hi, Charlie. I'm
glad you could get here.

Well, when you called,

you said it was
something important.

Yeah, come on in.

Yes, come. Sit down, huh?

I wanna apologise
for last night.

I didn't mean to get
you in any trouble.

Well, you did.

If the captain catches
me out of line again,

I'll be swinging
like that chandelier.

Oh, I like that.
It has character.

Maybe that's why I like you.

You do?

Oh, come on, Charlie.

Don't play games
with me. You know I do.

Maybe you could say
you like me a little bit too.

I mean, if you really do.

Well, I guess I do.

Sort of.

Do you really, Charlie?

I just said so, didn't I?

Hetty.

Hetty.

You know, I still have
a rain check to cash.

What rain check?

From our interrupted
dance last night.

Well, you can't dance
here. There's no room.

And there's no
Captain Stubing either.

( slow jazz music playing)

Gopher's so nice.

I sure hope he's
gonna take the job.

Well, we'll soon find out.
Good morning, Gopher.

Oh, good morning,
boss. Mrs. Boss.

Good career move, buddy
boy. You won't regret it.

As the saying goes, Gopher,
we're glad to have you aboard.

Hey, that's no way
to talk to a landlubber.

Gopher, could I have a
word with you, please?

Well, I really don't
see the point in it, sir.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was hoping you
might have a change of heart.

No, sir. Change of employers.
These are the Livingstons.

STUBING: Ah.

I'm gonna manage
their new hotel.

Oh.

A better job. Now,
that makes sense.

( chuckling): You
know, for a minute,

I thought you were
leaving because of me.

I certainly wouldn't
hold you back, Gopher.

Congratulations.

I wish you all the best.

Congratulations to all of you.

Well, I better go now.

I have to call the contractor
for the tennis courts.

Remind him about the lighting,
darling, for the night tennis.

Night tennis? That's great.

Oh, it was an idea I had.

Oh, I forgot to tell you,
I decided against it.

Oh.

Look, I'll be right back.

Well, it was still
a good thought.

You really think so? Sure.

And as manager of the new hotel,

I can use all the
ideas I can get.

You got any others?

With a little encouragement,
I could get a lot of ideas.

All right, now,
don't ask questions.

If you want to be a star,
just put those in your mouth.

Now, you say, "Susie
sews shirts for soldiers."

( muffling): Susie
sews shirts for soldiers.

Well, we're gonna have to
work on that diction a little.

Good morning, Mrs. Waterhouse.

Isaac. Morning, Merrill.

Charlie, now look, I'm gonna
need extra chairs and tables

on Lido Deck for
the magician's act.

Yes, sir.

Hetty.

Crew afterdeck at
sunset. I'll bring a picnic.

Hm.

Mrs. Wa... Charlie?

Charlie.

Mrs. Waterhouse, did you
see where Charlie went?

Merrill, I don't have
time to keep my eye

on your crew for you.

I mean, don't you do anything?

( upbeat theme playing)

( drumroll)

( audience applauds)

Ladies and
gentlemen, once again,

the Princess proudly
presents the Great Breyer.

( drumroll) ( all cheer)

Thank you. Thank
you all very much.

First, I would like to introduce

my beautiful assistant, Maggie,

who, I am happy to
say, is back on the job.

( all applaud)

And now, for a
death-defying escape,

previously attempted by
only a handful of magicians.

May they rest in peace.

( all laugh)

Maggie, would you
please show the audience

that the chains are solid

and the locks are bolted?

I will now step into the bag,

which will be locked and bolted.

( whispering):
This is Ken's trick.

Are you sure you've
done it before?

Dozens of times, but this
is the first time underwater.

Oh.

If I'm late for dinner,
start without me.

( laughter)

Bye, now.

( ominous theme playing)

I don't know why, but suddenly

I'm reminded of my
second marriage.

Gentlemen.

( audience gasps)

( audience murmurs indistinctly)

How long can he survive?

I had to get a divorce
after three weeks.

MAN: How long can he stay under?

JULIE: Sir, the
bubbles have stopped.

STUBING: Maybe we
should do something.

STUBING: Doc, how long
can someone hold their breath?

I hope it's longer than this.

( audience gasps and applauds)

What are you doing in there?

Rescuing you.

Ah.

Well, um,

haven't you ever heard of
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?

Uh-huh.

( romantic theme playing)

Are you sure it's safe
for you up here, Charlie?

Well, uh,

sometimes

there are more important
things than being safe.

That's a very sweet
sentiment, Charlie.

Don't be embarrassed.

I don't... I don't go
for the mushy stuff.

Come on, I don't
believe that for a minute.

Deep down, you're
just as romantic as I am.

Oh, look at that
sunset, Charlie.

Isn't that magnificent?

I'll bet you've seen thousands
like that, haven't you?

Yeah.

This one, Hetty, is the best.

Oh? Why is that?

Because I'm seeing it with you.

Oh, Charlie.

Who'd ever think
anything like this

would happen to an
old sea dog like me?

Hey, I'm no spring
chicken myself.

You definitely are
a spring chicken.

( both laugh)

I don't think I've ever been
this happy in my life, Charlie.

I know what you mean.

I wish it wouldn't end.

It doesn't have to end.

I'm gonna be on the
boat for a long, long time.

I'm not, Hetty. This
is my last cruise.

Wha...? Your last cru...?

I, uh... I never expected
anything like this to happen.

I'm retiring.

I got myself a nice little
apartment picked out.

Big enough for one.

But you've changed my mind.

Then you're not retiring?

Oh, yes.

Now I want an apartment
big enough for two.

Come with me, Hetty.

But Charlie, I just
moved on the ship.

No, stay here with me.

Here? No, no. I've
had it with the sea.

Come with me, Hetty.

But Charlie, I've
got a lot of money.

We could have a
wonderful life here.

I've had a wonderful life here.

I want a change.

It would be different now.

Mm-Mm.

Thirty-two years is enough.

Charlie, you're a
stubborn old man.

And you're a stubborn old lady.

I'm sorry.

( romantic theme swells)

( upbeat theme playing)

Gee, I wonder what's keeping
Phil. He promised to join us.

Well, I think he's still
on the phone to Phoenix.

Boy, when it comes to
business, he's all business.

Yeah.

I found that out right
after the honeymoon.

Oh, I'm not keeping
you, am I, Gopher?

Keeping me?

I should be so lucky.

( both laugh)

ALL: Surprise!

What's the occasion?

Your new job, dummy.

Say, if you need a hotel doctor,

I'm famous for my house calls.

You know, Gopher,
running a ship is a lot

like running a hotel.

I may have some
ideas for you. Great.

If you ever come to Arizona,

you can put them in
the suggestion box.

Touché.

Oh, well, how about a toast?

To Gopher, may you be
as happy in your new job

as we are sad to see you go.

Good luck. Thank you.

Oh, they're playing one of
my favorite songs, Gopher.

Shall we?

Ah.

I have to dance
with my new boss.

She's beautiful. I can
see why you're leaving me.

Yes. You never once
asked me to dance.

( all laugh)

( slow jazz music playing)

Maybe we should
go look for Phil.

Phil who?

Your husband.

Oh, that Phil.

I'm just so happy you're
taking the job, Gopher.

We're gonna have
such fun, you and I.

Yeah.

Uh, wait a minute, Melody.

This is nuts.

And wonderful at the same time.

But, um, this can't be.

I'll see you around the ship.

( knocking on door)
It's open, honey.

Well, hello, sweetheart.

Ken? What are you doing here?

Well, that chick in
Vegas was a real loser.

And you know me, I
don't waste any time.

I figured if I flew
down here right away,

I'd still be in time
to be with Maggie.

So where is she?
Uh... next door. Perfect.

Here you go, pal. What's this?

It's your flight to L.A.

It leaves in an hour from
Mazatlan International,

whatever they call it.

Hey, look... You
don't have to thank me.

Just hurry up and pack.

But Ken, it's about Maggie.

Don't worry about Maggie.
I'll say goodbye for you. Okay?

( knocks)

MAGGIE: One second.

Wait till you see
her face light up.

Ken. What are you doing here?

Hello, love.

I couldn't stay away
from you another minute.

Hey, wait a second.

What do you think? By
strolling in here all of a sudden...

I know, I know, you're
mad at me. And I deserve it.

But I'm gonna make
it up to you, I promise.

And from now on,
things are gonna be

just like they used to be.

You've gotta be kidding, Ken.

Where's Al? Don't worry.

He's on his way back to L.A.

He told me to say
goodbye to you.

Hey, Ken? Ken.

Before I go, you
gotta see my new trick.

Your timing is
terrific, kid. Terrific.

( laughs): Very nice.

Ken, this is only
gonna take a minute.

Believe me, you have
never seen anything like this.

( sighs): Maybe we'd
better humor him.

Besides, uh,
we've got all night.

Yeah, well, now, if you'll just
hold one in each hand, please.

Thank you. Now, Ken, if you'll
just stand here in the doorway.

Look, Al, can't
we...? Come on, Ken.

This is a terrific trick.

You can use it in your act.

Now, would you take
two steps backwards?

Believe me, Ken,

this is going to put you away.

( laughs)

( knocking on door)

KEN: Come on,
funny man, open up.

Hey, it's a great book, Ken.

I really think
you're gonna like it.

When the candle
goes out, take a nap.

( both laugh)

Oh, Al, I love you.

If he gets out of
that closet in time,

I think I'll let
him be best man.

( giggles)

Mm.

Best man?

( both laugh)

( mellow theme playing)

Oh, Melody. Yeah?

I don't understand
him. Go figure him out.

Who? Gopher.

Yesterday he takes the
job, this morning, he quits.

He quit? Hm-hm.

Well, did he say why?

He mumbled something
about being in love with the ship.

Last night he
couldn't wait to leave.

I'll be right back,
Phil. I need an aspirin.

Yeah, you better get me one too.

I don't know what I'm gonna
do about a hotel manager.

Oh, captain.

Hetty, hi. Good morning, Julie.

Good morning. Some of the
crew's having a party tonight.

Maybe you and Charlie
would like to come.

Me and Charlie aren't
me and Charlie anymore.

Wait a minute. I
thought you two were...

Yeah, we were.
But we're not now.

What happened?

Well, he's retiring,
leaving the ship.

And you're gonna stay on.

I love this ship. I
love my new family.

I've just gotten
my life sorted out.

You know, Hetty,

would you mind taking
some advice from me?

Well, why shouldn't I?

I mean, after all you're smart
enough to be a ship's captain.

Well, I love this ship too,

but for the right man, I'd
jump right over that rail.

Well, I'll tell you,

I'm too short to jump over rails

and I'm too old
to change my life.

( knocking on door) It's open.

Gopher.

I... I'm terribly sorry
about last night.

What last night? I... I don't
remember any last night.

Oh, yes, you do.

I just don't know
what came over me.

Melody, whatever it was,

you didn't exactly
hear me yelling for help.

It takes two to tango.

To coin an expression.

Take the job, Gopher. Please.

I promise it'll never
happen again.

I'm sure you mean that.

The problem is, I'm not sure I
can make the same promise.

But maybe if I don't take the
job, we can all stay friends.

Oh, Gopher.

Uh, Phil.

Well, don't let me
interrupt anything, pally.

Oh, Phil, this is not
what you think it is.

Oh, I can see what it is.

I offer you a job,

you think my wife is
one of the fringe benefits.

Well, what do you care?

You're only interested
in your business.

You don't give a damn about me.

Well, fine. Then I'll
just leave you two alone.

I mean, I'd just be in the way.

Oh, knock it off, Phil.

Who are you trying to impress

with this
martyred-husband routine?

You wanna believe there's
something going on? Fine.

But here's something
else you should believe:

You're throwing away
a terrific lady here.

A lady who loves you.

Only you're so busy
being a big wheel,

you don't even realize
you're ignoring her.

Ignoring?

Sometimes, I feel
my only function

is to decorate your parties.

GOPHER: And for a smart
businessman, you're dumb.

Melody has a million
ideas. They're good ideas.

But every time she comes up
with one, you sh**t her down.

I mean, you probably give
your bellhops more respect.

Well, I guess it's
the old male ego.

Business is a man's world.

A wife belongs in the
home, you know, all that stuff.

Well, you could have
the best of both worlds.

PHIL: Huh?

Melody would make
a heck of a manager

for your new hotel.

I never thought of that.

I guess there's a lot of
things I never thought of.

But I do know one thing.

I don't want to lose you.

Phil, you're not going to.

Yeah. Well, gosh,

I guess you two wanna be alone.

PHIL: Gopher?

Thanks, friend.

You're welcome, friend.

I'm sorry you're not
gonna take the job.

Well, I belong here on the ship.

Ooh, I quit.

( door closes)

( both laugh)

( knocking on door)

Come in.

Captain Stubing, sir.

Uh, sir, I wanted
to see you about...

I was hoping it was you, Gopher.

I just wanna say that I'm
very sorry to see you go.

Well, sir, that's what I
wanted to talk to you about.

The point is you do
have some good ideas.

But it's too late now.

Too late, sir? It's not
necessarily too late.

Now, look, this may seem
senseless to even ask,

but would you consider
staying on if I...?

Well, if I offered
you a larger cabin?

A larger cabin would be great.

No, no, no. Forget
I even said that.

Here I am trying to bribe you.

I should be ashamed of myself.

Nothing wrong with
a good bribe, sir.

I mean, how many chances
does a young man get

to manage a hotel?

Sometimes none.

Well, Gopher,

I... I wish you
nothing but the best.

Drop me a card whenever
you get a chance.

Thank you, sir.

Gopher.

What if I promoted
you to Assistant Purser?

You got a deal.

But, sir, wait a minute,
what's the promotion?

I was the Assistant Purser.

The promotion is from
the unemployment line

to having a job.

Phil Livingston said that
you passed up his offer.

Thank you, captain.

It's good to have you back.

Yeah.

Sir, about my larger cabin...

Just drop a note in
the suggestion box.

I'll, uh, think about it.

Well, sir, you got rid
of the suggestion box.

Oh, well, then that takes
care of that, doesn't it?

That will be all, Mr. Smith.

( upbeat theme playing)

Hey, you know, for
a substitute magician,

you did a really good job.

You can say that again. Oh?

Say, uh, how would you like
a magician on the next cruise?

Well, maybe.

Well, you'll find one in
the closet of Aloha 274.

( both snicker)

Well, so long, old buddy.
Sorry you won't be with us.

Oh, don't worry. You'll
find a new manager.

Well, I already have.
Right here on the ship.

We're going to
keep it in the family.

Congratulations. Thank you.

Ahem, by the way,

you might be able to
use this at the new hotel.

Is this for me? For you.

( laughs)

Phil, it's a suggestion box.

Use it well. I'm gonna get
a new one for the captain.

King-size.

So long, Gopher. Goodbye.

Bye, Gopher. Bye, Melody.

So long. Bye-bye.
So long. Good luck.

Well, goodbye, Charlie.

We'll miss you.

Yeah, me too.

Oh, cheer up, Charlie.

Come on, Charlie, you've
been looking forward to this

for a long time.

Well, leaving ain't as much
fun as I thought it was gonna be.

So long.

So long, Charlie.

Bye, Charlie.

HETTY: Careful, you ninnies.

Scratch that grandfather,
you won't live to be one.

Hetty. Oh, Charlie.

Mrs. Waterhouse,
are you leaving?

Merrill, I know it hurts,

but even if you got down on
your knees and begged me,

my mind is made up.

That is, if Charlie
will still have me.

Yeah, I got a tiny apartment.

What are we gonna do
with all your furniture?

Well, after the wedding,
instead of a reception,

we'll have a garage sale.

( laughs)

Good luck. JULIE:
Goodbye, Hetty.

Good luck, Charlie.
Bye-bye, Hetty. So long.

That turned out to be a happy
ending all the way around.

I don't have to worry
about being a captain... yet.

And I don't have to worry
about being a husband.

What about me? I mean,
I could have been a star.

( upbeat theme playing)