02x17 - Gomer and the Beast

[bunniefuu]

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

How do you do it, Gomer?

Hmm? Do what?

Well, what kind of
combination is that?

Chili beans and
a chocolate soda.

It's delicious.

You see, the chili
beans is kind of tingly

and the soda's real
creamy and smooth.

It's been one of my favorite
combinations since I was a boy.

You know, someday they're going to
call out the demolition squad for you

'cause you're going
to blow up like a b*mb.

Oh, Frankie.

SERGEANT HENCHLEY: It's
cold, that's what's wrong with it.

What did you do, let
it sit out in the kitchen

for ten minutes before
you brought it out?

I brought it to you hot.

It's not my fault
you let it get cold.

And whose fault is it
that I don't have a napkin,

and my water glass has been
empty for the last ten minutes?

Listen, sweetheart,
I've got news for you.

You got a lot to learn
about waiting on tables.

Well, Sergeant
Henchley, there are

a dozen other restaurants you
can go to if you don't like this one,

and it won't hurt my
feelings one bit if you leave.

Boy, that Henchley.

How'd you like to
be in his platoon?

m*rder. No wonder
they call him "the Beast."

Well, it fits him.

He makes Carter
look like Mother Goose.

I don't see how anybody can
talk like that to Miss Ginger.

She's so nice.

How's everything here, boys?

Want some more coffee?

No, I'm fine, thanks.
Yeah, yeah, me, too.

Would you like some
coffee, Gomer? Oh, no.

Thank you very much.

It was certainly
kind of you to ask.

Everything was just perfect.

My chili beans was
just as nice and hot,

and my chocolate soda
was just as nice and cold,

and the service was just
wonderful, wasn't it, fellas?

Yeah. Yeah, very nice.

And the silverware and the
glassware was just sparkling.

Thanks.

I don't know when I've
enjoyed a meal this much.

Thanks.

Miss Ginger,

if I was you, I wouldn't
take it too much to heart.

What?

You know, some people
just don't know no better.

Oh, Sergeant Henchley.

Yeah. Hey, how come you take
all that guff from that loudmouth?

That loudmouth is my boyfriend.

Your boyfriend?

You mean you go
steady with the Beast?

Oh, that's all right. I
know they call him that.

Well, he sure doesn't talk to
you like he was your sweetheart.

Oh, he sounds off a lot.

I guess he's just practicing up
for the day when we get married.

HENCHLEY: Aah!
(plate clattering)

That does it! I've had it!

Ginger, come here.

Now what's the matter?

Well, I just want to tell you that
you're batting 1.000, sweetheart.

The steak was tough, the soup
was cold, the salad was soggy

and the coffee was boiled.

Well, I didn't know you
were such a gourmet.

(groans) I'm
getting out of here.

This place is ridiculous.

You know, eating here is
like playing Russian roulette.

I'm going.

Well, go.

Go!

All right, I will!

That's terrible, just terrible,

talking to a lady that way.

Boy, what a lovely guy he is.

You know, somebody
ought to take a poke at him.

It better not be you.

It'd be the last
poke you ever took.

He'd break you
into seven pieces...

One for each day of the week.

Well, what do you
say we get out of here

and head back to the base?

All right, let's go.

Come on, Gomer, you ready?

No, uh... I'll tell
you fellas, I think

I'll just stay around
here for awhile.

You go on back if you want to.

And I'll see you later.

Why? What are you going to do?

Well, I think I'll
just hang around

and maybe have
another bowl of chili beans

and another soda.

Are you kidding?

I just can't sleep
if I'm hungry.

Well, all right.

Here, this ought to
take care of ours, Gom.

See you fellas later.

Okay, Gomer. Bye, Gomer.

See you tomorrow.

Hey, Miss Ginger.

Hello, Gomer.

What are you doing here?

Actually, to tell you the truth,

I was waiting for you.

You were?

I thought maybe you might like
to have somebody walk you home.

Oh, well, thanks,

but I can walk home
by myself, thank you.

Oh, I know you can.
I'm sure you can.

But I thought maybe
you might be a little upset.

Upset? About what?

About what happened in
there with Sergeant Henchley

a little while ago.

Oh, well, I'm used to that.

It happens pretty often.

Well, I don't think you
ought to walk home alone.

It's bad when folks
that are upset are alone.

'Cause then all they
got on their mind

is upset thoughts
to think about.

Sure you don't want
some company?

Well, all right, Gomer.

Let's go.

(both laughing)

Poor thing.

She was so fat that one time
she went to make a phone call,

and she got stuck in the
booth and couldn't get out.

Oh, that's awful.
What did she do?

Well, she screamed for
somebody to give her another dime

and she called
the fire department.

She was fat, but she sure
had a head on her shoulders.

Well, this is it.

And Gomer, I really
enjoyed the walk.

You mean, you're
feeling better now?

Oh, yes, much better.

Well, I'm sure
glad to hear that.

Gomer, you know something?

You're really a
very nice person.

You mean 'cause I
walked you home?

sh**t, that was my pleasure.

And I just want to say that
anytime that you're feeling down

and don't want to be alone

you just let me know.

Well, thanks.

Maybe I'll do that.

Well... I really appreciate it.

Good night.

Night, Ginger.

(clattering)

(men grumbling)

I'm sorry, fellas.

Somebody left their bucket out.

I'm sorry.

Is that you, Gomer?

Yeah, it's me, Duke.

You just getting in?
Where you been?

Well, I waited around the cafe

until Ginger got off.

And then I walked her home.

Ginger?

You walked her home?
Are you out of your mind?

Why? What's wrong with that?

She's Henchley's girl.
He'll tear you in half.

Well, I don't know why.

It wasn't a mushy walk home.

It was just a
friendly walk home.

And even if she
wasn't Henchley's girl

it wouldn't be nothing serious.

You're just lucky
he didn't catch you.

I'll talk to you about
it in the morning.

In the meantime, if I were you

I'd keep this whole thing quiet.

Well, it was just
a friendly act is all.

Gomer, I'm trying to tell you...

She's Henchley's girl.
You heard him tonight.

You know why they
call him the Beast?

You know what he can do to you?

Well, what can he do to me?

He can k*ll you, that's
what he can do to you.

Now I'm warning you, be
quiet and stay away from her.

MARINE: Come on,
now, will you keep quiet?

(men complaining)

I said I'm sorry.

It was just a
friendly act is all.

Here you are, fellas.

What did he order?

DUKE: A chocolate sundae...
the same thing we ordered.

GINGER: Well, the
ice cream was hard

when I made yours...

but it softened up
when I made his.

Golly, you all got little
bitty sundaes, didn't you?

Want part of mine?

No, thanks, Gomer.
We hate soft ice cream.

Let's get our checks
and get out of here, okay?

Ginger?

Ginger, can we have
our checks, please?

Sure.

One chocolate sundae, 45 cents.

One chocolate sundae, 45 cents.

Wait a minute,
where's his check?

Oh, his is on the house.

Huh?

Gomer was our one
hundredth customer today.

Congratulations, Gomer.

Golly!

Ain't that lucky, fellas?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, one of my favorite people.

Hope he don't behave as
badly as he done last night.

Hello, Arthur.

Tip me off, sweetheart...
What's going to be

bad tonight, the
food or the service?

Arthur, don't start that.

Why? Did anything change?

It was rotten last night, it's
going to be rotten again tonight.

Then why did you come back?

I thought I'd give this
dump another shot.

You know, best out of three.

Arthur, you know something?

I found out something about you.

Yeah, what's that?

You're crude.

Crude.

I found out that all people

don't have to act
the way you act.

That some people
can be gentlemen.

You're crude.

What do you mean?

I found out
something else, Arthur.

The way you treat me,
you upset me an awful lot.

Take last night, for instance.

You know what I would have
done last night after what you did?

I would have gone home
and cried myself to sleep.

But last night was different.

I found out that some
people can be kind and gentle

and understand how a girl feels.

They don't have to be crude.

You're crude.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about how you
don't have to wait around for me

till I finish tonight. Huh?

And you can forget
about tomorrow night,

too, while you're at it.

Maybe you'll learn how
not to talk so fresh to me.

Are you kidding?

No, I'm not kidding.

Here. And we're all
out of the veal goulash.

Gomer.

Hey, Miss Ginger.

Gomer, remember
what you said last night

about if I ever felt low
and needed company,

to call on you?

Oh, yes, ma'am, I sure do.

Well, I was wondering,

would you like to take me
to a movie tomorrow night?

Me?

Why, I'd be glad to.

Hey, there's a
Hercules movie on.

Would you like to see that?

GINGER: Oh, I'd
love to. Well, good.

You really ought to
go with somebody,

on account of nobody ought
to see a Hercules movie alone.

Fine. You can pick
me up around 7:30.

I get off early tomorrow night.

Oh, oh, wait a minute.

Gomer, aren't you on
guard duty tomorrow night?

And you have K.P., Gomer.

You're going to be all tied up.

Oh, no, not me,
fellas. I'm free as a bird.

Good.

See you tomorrow night, Gomer.

Gomer, what's the matter
with you? She's Henchley's girl.

What are you trying to do?

Well, I'm not
trying to do nothing,

except be friendly to
somebody that needs a friend.

What's wrong with that?

Well, Sergeant Henchley,
what'll it be tonight?

Stuffed bell pepper?

Now look, are
you trying to tell me

you got a date
with someone else?

Or perhaps the Irish
stew. That's very nice.

Who's the guy?

Tell me who he is
and I'll tear him in half.

Arthur, keep your voice down.

You're getting very shrill.

Oh, good night, Gomer.

See you tomorrow night.

Night, Miss Ginger.

7:30, huh?

Is that the guy?

You going out with that
creep? That miserable creep?

Arthur, don't be crude.

You're very crude.

(pop music playing low)

Ah, you owe me 14 grand, Sarge.

Yeah, yeah, well, I'll
get even, don't worry.

I'll settle for a buck 40, cash.

You got a deal.

Okay, where's the buck 40?

You'll get it payday.

Get off my back.

HENCHLEY: Hey, Carter.

Hello, Henchley.
What's on your mind?

Carter, I want to tip you
off to a little something.

Your platoon is going
to be one man short

if you don't wise up one
of them privates of yours.

Eh, what private? What
are you talking about?

I'm talking about
that long, skinny guy

with the goofy face.

What long, skinny
guy with a goo...

You mean Pyle?

Whatever his name
is, he's in your platoon.

So I think it's only
fair to tell you first.

Yeah? What'd he do?

HENCHLEY: I'll
tell you what he did!

He's been hanging around
that place where my girl works!

He's trying to
move in on my girl!

Are you kidding?

HENCHLEY: No, and you'd better
talk some sense into him, Carter,

or else he's going to
wind up in the hospital.

I don't believe it.

Gomer Pyle is
moving in on your girl?

(chuckles)

What do you think
of that, Boyle?

Pyle is taking his girl.

Boy, you must be
just loaded with charm

if a guy like Pyle can
cut you out. (chuckles)

HENCHLEY: Listen,
Carter, I'm not kidding.

You tell that fathead to stay
away from my Ginger, or...

(bell ringing,
counters clicking )

I think he's sore.

And boy, I sure wouldn't want
to be the guy he was sore at.

What do you think
of that, Boyle?

Gomer Pyle is
moving in on the Beast.

I don't believe it.

Listen, you better warn Pyle.

That guy's liable to k*ll him.

Yeah. Pyle could get k*lled

and Henchley could
get busted for k*lling him,

and there could be
happiness here for everybody.

But on the other hand,
I am Pyle's sergeant.

You know, Boyle, it's
a complicated world.

A complicated world.

Well, you going into town, Pyle?

Right, Sergeant, I'm
going to the movies.

You wouldn't happen to be going

with a cute little waitress that
works at the Blue Bird Cafe

by the name of Ginger?

Well, Sergeant, how'd you know?

Never mind. Now, look, Pyle,

what you do off the base
is your own business.

Understand? I
don't like to interfere.

But on the other hand, as
your sergeant, it's my duty

to keep you from getting
k*lled or seriously injured,

right? Right, Sergeant, but...

Moving in on another
guy's girl can be dangerous,

especially when
the guy's Henchley.

He could rip you to shreds.

Moving in? But Sergeant,
I ain't moving in on nobody.

I'm just taking Miss
Ginger to the movies

'cause she asked me as a friend.

Look, Pyle, I don't
care who, where or why.

I'm just telling you
what Henchley told me.

Now, stay away from her.

But can he do that, Sergeant?

Can he do what?

Can he give you orders?

Who?

Sergeant Henchley. Can he
tell you to tell me what to do?

Well, no. Of course not.

I'm just telling you, if
you want to stay healthy,

stop muscling in on his girl.

Muscling in? But I'm not
muscling in on anybody.

See, it all started
the other night

when Miss Ginger got upset

'cause Sergeant Henchley
talked mean to her.

I walked her home and told her

if she ever needed a friend,
she could count on me.

You'd do the same thing,
wouldn't you, Sergeant?

Well, I could...

But if Sergeant Henchley
gave you an order

to give to me, then I don't
rightly know what to do.

He didn't give me an order.

I don't take orders
from Sergeant Henchley.

But you just said that Sergeant
Henchley told you to tell me...

He can't tell me to do anything.

And he can't tell me to
tell you to do anything.

But he did. He just...

Now, look, Pyle,
you come with me.

Where are we going?

We're going over to
see Sergeant Henchley.

Now, come on.

Henchley.

Yeah?

Pyle here's got
something to say to you.

Go ahead, tell
him, Pyle. Well...

What he's got to say
is it's a free country

and don't you ever
forget it, Henchley.

And if he wants to
take your girl out,

he's going to take
her out. Right, Pyle?

Go ahead. Tell him. Tell him.

Is that the way you
feel about it, Pyle?

Yeah, that's the
way he feels about it.

That's exactly the
way he feels about it.

And not you or anybody
else is gonna make him

change his mind, right, Pyle?

Go ahead. Tell him, tell him.

Well... You mean you're

gonna go right
on seeing my girl.

He means he'll see
anybody he wants to see,

won't you, Pyle? Well...

You let me give you
a little advice, pal.

If I were you, I'd think twice

about trying to
see Ginger again.

I mean, if you
want to stay healthy.

You think you can
scare him, Henchley?

If you do, you got
another thing coming.

Pyle don't scare
easy, do you, Pyle?

Go ahead, tell him how
you don't scare easy.

Well... Now you
listen to me, Private.

The only reason I'm not
tearing you in half right now

is because we're on the base.

And let me warn you...

That could be your head, Pyle.

Well, if you think you can
make him back down, forget it.

He just ain't made that way.

And remember, Pyle is
gonna go where he wants to go,

do what he wants to do
and see who he wants to see.

Right, Pyle? Come on.

Listen, Pyle.

You better stay
away from that dame

or he'll k*ll you.

I don't understand, Sergeant.

Didn't we just tell
him I was gonna go

where I wanted to go
and do what I wanted to do

and see who I wanted to see?

Well, that was for his benefit.

For your benefit, you
better stay away from his girl

or he'll beat your brains out.

Gomer, Sergeant Carter warned
you, Henchley warned you.

And we're begging you... tell
her you can't take her tonight.

But I promised, and a
promise is a sacred thing.

Especially to a girl.

But Gomer, what if
Henchley catches you?

Then I just have to explain
to Sergeant Henchley

that I was just being friendly.

After all, if one person

can't be friendly to another,
then what's this world

coming to? But Gomer...

Now, listen, you get the tickets

and I'll be right
along with Ginger.

And you know, Sergeant
Henchley can't be too mad

if all three of us take
Miss Ginger to the movies.

And this should prove to him

that I got no interest

in taking his girl away.

Yeah, maybe we'll all
wind up in the same ward.

Go on, and I'll be
back with Miss Ginger

in just a few minutes.

But Ginger, I don't understand.

You don't want to
go to the movies?

I thought that you said that...

I know, Gomer, but you see,

the only reason I
asked you to take me

was because I
was angry at Arthur

and I wanted to get back at him.

I guess that wasn't a very
nice thing to do to you, Gomer.

Will you forgive me?

Oh, that's okay, you
had a right to be angry

after the way he talked to you.

I know, but I was just
being childish and spiteful.

Then are you all right now?

Oh, sure. You go
along with your friends.

Don't worry about me.

Are you sure now?

Uh-huh. If I know Arthur,
he'll be along in a little while

and he'll shuffle
and mumble around,

and pretty soon we'll
wind up at the movies

just like we were going
to in the first place.

It's happened before.

Well, that sure makes
me feel a whole lot better...

Knowing that you two are
going to get back together.

Gomer, you are sweet.

Thank you for being
there when I needed you.

Hey.

What is this? Arthur!

Hey, Sergeant Henchley.
We was just talking about you.

Ginger said that
she was... You! Out!

But there's something
that you don't understand.

Oh, I understand, all right.

Out! Out in the alley.

Arthur, please!

Sergeant Henchley,

couldn't we do
this a little later on?

There's some fellers waiting
on me at the movies right now,

and they say you should
see this picture from the start.

Out.

Operator, I want the police.

Tell them to come to
the Blue Bird Cafe...

and you better tell them
to bring an ambulance.

Hurry.

Okay, Pyle, I warned you.

Well, Sergeant Henchley,
if you really want to fight

I-I guess I'll just have
to do the best I can, but...

there's something
you ought to know first.

Yeah? Just put your hands up.

Okay, I'll put
'em up, but I think

we're going to an
awful lot of trouble

for nothing. Yeah?!

Well, what did I just
see in there, huh?

You kissing my girl, taking her

to the movies. What am I, crazy?

Well, as far as the kiss
goes, it was just a friendly kiss,

and I wasn't taking
her to the movies.

You was gonna take
her to the movies.

Huh? That's right.

She's got no interest

in me, Sergeant Henchley,

and I got no interest in
her, except as a friend.

What?

And you know something,
Sergeant Henchley?

This whole thing's your fault.

What are you talking about?

It's true, Sergeant Henchley.

You put yourself
in Ginger's place.

There she is, working so
hard, running back and forth

all day long, on
her feet all day

in them little high-heel shoes.

Did you ever try walking
in them high-heel shoes?

And what does she
have to look forward to

after a day like that?

I mean, what's the
bright spot in her life?

I'll tell you,
Sergeant Henchley.

It's seeing you and maybe
getting a cheerful word

or a nice smile,

on account of you're the
person that really counts

in her life. But
what does she get?

She gets the very same abuse
she gets from them strangers.

If I was you, Sergeant, I'd walk
right back into that restaurant

and beg that sweet
little thing to forgive me.

If you still want me to put
up my fists, well... all right.

I think we better
get over there.

I'm getting worried.

I knew we shouldn't
have let him go alone.

Oh, hi, Sarge.

What's the matter?
Wouldn't they let you in?

Is it for adults
only? (chuckles)

Well, we're waiting for Gomer.

Yeah, and we're
starting to worry

that maybe something
might have happened to him.

Yeah? Why?

Well, he went over to the
Blue Bird Cafe to pick up Ginger,

and then he was g... Ginger!

You mean that
knucklehead was gonna

take her out after
all? I warned him.

I did, too, but you know
how stubborn he can be.

Yeah, he was supposed
to be here 15 minutes ago.

Henchley sees
him, he'll k*ll him.

Maybe that's what's
happening right now. Come on!

So, you see, I'm sorry, Ginger.

I guess I just wasn't
thinking, that's all.

But I want you
to know I'm sorry.

Oh, Arthur.

Go on, Sergeant Henchley,
tell her the rest of it.

Well, um...

You see, I-I, I guess I
just never realized, uh...

what a hard job you've got.

And, uh...

walking around all
day on those high heels.

And how you look forward to...

a kind word from me
at the end of a day.

GINGER: Oh, Arthur...

So, you see, honey, I'm
not really crude, am I?

No, Arthur, of
course you're not.

You see, Sergeant
Henchley? You see?

One kind word,
that's all she needed.

That's all anybody needs.

You may have
something there, pal.

It's the prettiest sight
in the whole world

is two sweethearts
that have just made up.

Bless you both.

Arthur... (siren wailing)

Hey, what's that?

Maybe something happened.

Oh, no, I'm sure it's nothing.

You boys just sit here.

I'll get you some coffee.

Hey, Sergeant Henchley,
you know what I'm going to do?

I'm gonna go call
Sergeant Carter,

on account of he thought
that you'd be angry.

I just want to tell him how
nice everything turned out.

Okay, pal.

And so, you see,
Pat, it's all a mistake.

Somebody thought there
was going to be trouble,

but it's all right now.

I'm sorry.

(bystanders murmuring)

Well, come on.

Wait a minute, I heard a siren.

I know I heard a siren.

Holy mackerel, look at that.

Henchley beat us to it.

They're taking Gomer
away in an ambulance.

He said he'd put
him in the hospital.

Come on!

Hey! Hey!

(siren wailing)

You two guys get a cab
and follow that ambulance.

I'm going inside to
see what happened.

Right, Sergeant.

Arthur... Henchley!

Hi, Carter. How are you, buddy?

You're still here, huh?

How did you talk
yourself out of it?

Huh?

Clobbering a poor,
defenseless boob like Pyle!

Well, I'm not gonna
let you off so easy!

Come on, Henchley, get 'em up!

What's wrong with you, Carter?

This is for Pyle!

Now, wait a minute!

This is for Pyle!

Hold on. You got this all wrong.

Come on, Henchley, get 'em up!

Arthur, stop him!

Well, I'm trying!

Are you gonna...? (soft thud)

I couldn't...

Sergeant Carter, what
are you doing here?

I was just trying to
call you on the phone.

You know what? You was
wrong about Sergeant Henchley.

I mean about him being
so mean and all that?

Why, he's a gentle person.

I mean, he's gruff, but
he wouldn't hurt a flea.

Sergeant Carter, you got a cold?

Aren't you done
with that yet, Pyle?

I just want to get
this little speck

off the windshield
here, Sergeant.

(mutters)

Pyle!

Pyle!

I'm sorry as I can be, Sergeant.

Ah, you lamebrain,
you knucklehead.

Can't you do

anything right?
Look what you did!

What, are you stupid?!

Can't you do the
least little thing

without fouling it up,
you stupid clown?!

I oughtta take you
out somewhere and...

Hey, hey, Carter.

Huh? I'm surprised at you.

You of all people.

What's the matter with you?

How can you be so thoughtless?

Huh? What are you talking about?

Did you see what
that big goof did to me?

HENCHLEY: Yeah, but he's
got a hard job, too, you know...

On his feet all day in
those heavy Marine shoes.

And what has he got
to look forward to, huh?

What's the bright
spot of his day?

Why, when his
sergeant comes up to him

and gives him a kind
word... and a smile.

And what does he get from you?

Abuse.

Tell him, Pyle.