04x07 - The Horse Lover/Secretary to the Stars/Julie's Decision/Gopher and Isaac Buy a Horse/Village People Ride Again

[bunniefuu]

[THEME TUNE STARTS]

♪ Love

♪ Exciting and new

♪ Come aboard

♪ We're expecting you ♪ And love

♪ Life's sweetest reward

♪ Let it flow

♪ It floats back to
you ♪ The Love Boat

♪ Soon will be
making another run

♪ The Love Boat

♪ Promises
something for everyone

♪ Set a course for adventure

♪ Your mind on a new romance

♪ And love

♪ Won't hurt anymore

♪ It's an open smile

♪ On a friendly
shore ♪ It's love

♪ Welcome aboard ♪ It's love ♪

- Well, what was that for?
- For taking me on this cruise.

- It was a wonderful surprise.
- Well, you deserve it.

Besides, I know you haven't
been too thrilled with me lately.

Can you blame me? The way
you've been carrying on with Jessica?

All I've heard is how
beautiful Jessica is.

What great legs she has.
How... how she excites you.

Honey, you know Jessica is the
most beautiful horse I've ever owned.

She's more than a
horse. She's an obsession.

- You'd rather be with her than me.
- Ah, come on.

I brought you on
this cruise, didn't I?

You're right. Let's make
it a second honeymoon.

Who knows, might be
better than the first one.

What's that?

Oh. Didn't I tell you? I
entered Jessica in the race.

You mean this cruise is just an
excuse to get us down to a horse race?

- Us and Jessica.
- Is she on this ship?

Honey, you know
how she hates to fly.

I better go see how she's doing,
give her a lump of sugar and an apple.

What about me?

Well, honey, you had a big
breakfast just an hour ago.

Mr. Benson, you're on
the Fiesta Deck, Cabin .

Well, thank you. I understand
Kim Holland is on this cruise.

Yes. Miss Holland's
presenting the Gold Cup

for the winner of the
Acapulco Steeplechase.

Oh, good. I've been a fan of
hers ever since her first film.

That's why I'm on
this cruise, to meet her.

- Oh.
- Are you sure you want to?

On the TV news they said she
was voted the Sour Apple Award

for being the most uncooperative
actress in Hollywood.

Maybe she hasn't met the
right person to cooperate with.

Well, Mr. Benson, if
you think you're the one

Miss Holland has been waiting
for, why don't you ask her?

MAN: There she is now. Miss Holland,
could we have some pictures, please?

MAN: Good. Good, that's
good. To the left. Hold it.

Big smile. Good. Thank you.

Thank you. I think
that'll be enough.

- Just one more, please, Miss Holland?
- I said that will be enough.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Ah, Miss Holland, I'm
Captain Stubing and this is...

How do you do?

I, uh, hope you'll do me the honor
of dining at the captain's table.

I'm afraid not, Captain.

I've come on this cruise to
present the Cup to the winner

of the Acapulco Steeplechase, that
will be my only public appearance.

I'm going to be having
my meals in my cabin.

I've heard of people
being frozen after death,

but never in the prime of life.

Miss Holland, could I have a word
with you for a minute? It's very important.

You'll have to make an
appointment with my secretary.

MAN: Hey, here he
comes, guys. Grant Garrett!

- Welcome back to the States.
- George, you can take those to the cabin.

Does this mean your affair
with the princess is over?

It depends, which
princess do you mean?

- [LAUGHTER]
- Grant, Cosmopolitan recently

voted you the world's most
eligible bachelor, any comment?

Yes, the campaigning
sure was fun.

Mr. Garrett, why would a
man with your wealth and power

want to ride a horse
in a steeplechase race?

Well, because without a horse,
the best I can come in is second.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- Captain.
- Welcome aboard, Mr. Garrett.

- We're happy to have you with us.
- Thank you. It's my pleasure.

- This is Dr. Adam Bricker.
- DOC: How do you do, sir?

Doctor.

STUBING: Julie McCoy,
our cruise director.

How do you do?

If all the sights are this lovely,
this should be a wonderful trip.

Why, thank you.

Captain, I wonder if you
could spare Miss McCoy

to show me around
your magnificent ship?

- Of course he can.
- [CLEARS THROAT]

- She can. Uh, sir?
- As you wish.

Excellent. Give me a few
minutes to get my sea legs

and we'll rendezvous in,
say, half an hour, all right?

- Fine.
- See you later.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye.

What an interesting man.

The only thing he seems
to be interested in is you.

Well, maybe that's
why he's so interesting.

Miss McCoy, I hate to
interfere in your private life,

but where are Gopher and Isaac?

Oh, they said they had to tend
to somebody very big. A VIP.

Oh. Well, it can't be Miss Holland
or Mr. Garrett. They were just here.

Well, maybe there's even
a bigger passenger aboard.

- What?
- Nothing, nothing. [MUTTERS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- Hurry, before Captain Stubing sees us.
- Why didn't we bring him in

through the cargo door? We could
have loaded him with the other horses.

Will you stop complaining?
When we win the steeplechase,

- we'll be rich and famous.
- Yeah and if we lose,

we'll be poor and unemployed.

- Look, they're here!
- The Village People!

[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

- ♪ In the Navy - ♪ Yes,
you can sail the seven seas

- ♪ In the Navy - ♪ Yes,
you can put your mind at ease

- ♪ In the Navy - ♪ Come
on, people, and make a stand

- ♪ In the Navy - ♪ Can't
you see we need a hand

- ♪ In the Navy - ♪ Come
on, protect the motherland

- ♪ In the Navy - ♪ Come
on and join your fellow man

- ♪ In the Navy - ♪ Come
on, people, and make a stand

- ♪ In the Navy - ♪ In the Navy

- ♪ In the Navy - ♪
All right [CHEERING]

You know, I knew if we sang "In the
Navy" long enough, we'd finally get here.

Yeah, well, too bad we didn't
sing "If I Were a Rich Man."

- [LAUGHTER]
- Welcome aboard, fellas.

Thank you. This is a
hot looking ship, Captain.

- Thank you.
- But too bad it's double parked.

ALL: Oh!

Is it true you guys are going to
race a horse in the steeplechase?

Right. We've got one
horse and six saddles.

- It's a very long horse.
- [LAUGHTER]

You are going to
sing for us, aren't you?

Yes, only if you join the group.
That's a crazy looking hat, man.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Enjoy your cruise, gentlemen.

- Thank you. See you all later.
- Welcome aboard.

- Take care.
- Glad to have you with us.

- Be good.
- All right.

- Seem like a regular bunch of fellows.
- Uh-huh.

♪ In the Navy [HUMS]

[SHIP HORN BLARES]

[HORSE SNORTS]

- Hello.
- Hi.

- So that's Jessica.
- That's right.

Sixteen hands and all winner.
You ever seen her race?

Oh, I sure have, and
I am very impressed.

- I'm Cliff Logan.
- Oh. Paul Willis.

You know, I own a few horses myself,
but I'm not entered in the steeplechase.

- That field is too fast.
- [LAUGHS] Not for Jessica.

- She's going to win.
- Well, you might be right.

Tell you what I will do. I'll
give you $, for her.

- Oh, she's not for sale.
- A hundred thousand?

[LAUGHS] Sorry. Hey, but it's
nice to meet a fellow horseman.

Hey, why don't you join my
wife and me for dinner tonight?

Why, I'd love that.
Thanks very much.

- Yeah, she is an incredible creature.
- Well, I'm anxious to meet her.

- You just did.
- Pardon me?

[LAUGHS] Oh, you mean
my wife. She's nice, too.

Oh. Uh-huh.

- Hi.
- Hello.

- Hey, Isaac.
- Yeah?

Isaac, somebody just offered that guy a
hundred thousand dollars for his horse.

You must be hearing things.
He must have said house.

Ah, just as I thought. I knew if I
followed you, it'd lead me here.

Hey, Doc. Say hi to the next
winner of the Acapulco Stakes.

Stakes? He couldn't
win a meatloaf.

Are you guys out of your minds?
You don't know anything about horses.

What's to know? You
feed 'em, you brush 'em.

- And you race 'em.
- I'm glad to see I'm dealing

with a couple of experts.

I must admit, though,
he is kind of handsome.

- Mm.
- Yeah.

Does he have a name?

Yeah, we're thinking of
calling him Captain Stubing.

Good idea. That way the
captain might think twice

before he throws all
three of you off the ship.

- The captain won't mind, Doc.
- No?

No, 'cause he
ain't gonna find out.

This is our lido deck
area, Mr. Garrett.

Please, that's the tenth time
you've called me Mr. Garrett.

That's much too formal.

- A simple "Your Highness" will do.
- [GIGGLES]

- Tell me more about yourself, Julie.
- Oh, gee, I don't know what to say.

Um, I come from a close
family in a small town in Oregon.

My mom's a great cook.

And, boy, this must
sound really dull to you.

- Not at all. In fact, I'm jealous.
- Oh?

The only time my mother got
near the kitchen was to fire the chef.

- [LAUGHS]
- Close your eyes.

- What?
- Just close your eyes.

Oh.

Now, quick, what's the first
thing that pops into your mind

- when you think of your childhood?
- Oh, um...

Poached salmon and red sneakers.

Poached salmon and red sneakers?

Yeah, the two things I used to love
most were taking hikes in the woods

in my old red sneakers, and then coming
home to eat my mom's poached salmon.

Now, it's your turn.
Close your eyes.

Now, what's the first thing
that pops into your mind?

How much I'd love to...
have dinner with you tonight.

Oh... you're on. [CHUCKLES]

Yes?

Oh, you must be Kim
Holland's secretary.

- Yes?
- Well, my name is Tom Benson,

and she told me to talk
to you about talking to her.

She always tells people that,
then I get lumbered with them.

[LAUGHS] Could you ask her if she'd
like to have dinner with me tonight?

Oh, I'm afraid that's quite
impossible. She'll be dining in her cabin.

Miss, I'm afraid you
don't understand.

I've wanted to meet
Kim Holland for years.

That's the only reason
why I took this cruise.

And I'll tell you something else.
I'm gonna sit down right here

in her doorway until she at least
agrees to have a drink with me.

Would you tell Miss Holland
that I eagerly await her reply?

Excuse me.

Ah, Mrs. Willis.
Enjoying yourself, I hope?

I'd be enjoying it more if
my husband were here.

Hm. Must be a lot
of that going around.

I seem to have misplaced
some of my crew.

Ah, here you go, Mrs.
Willis. Gin and tonic.

Isaac, where have you been?

I've been looking for you
and Gopher everywhere.

Well, you know how it is, Captain.
Big ship, lots of thirsty passengers.

Lots of things to do. [LAUGHS]

It's amazing. I hardly
ever see my crew anymore.

You're lucky they don't have
a horse, you'd never see them.

- You're the winner.
- Terrific.

Miss Holland says she'll meet you
promptly at : in the dining room.

Let's make it :. I just
want to play hard to get.

Oh, they're gorgeous. Thank you.

Well, well, well. I didn't know it
was National Cruise Directors Week.

- Who are they from?
- I don't know. Let's see.

Oh.

- They're from Grant.
- Garrett?

- Oh, they're beautiful!
- And romantic.

Julie, don't you think he's
a little... mature for you?

Well, that's the silliest
thing I ever heard.

Besides, there's
nothing between us.

Except maybe years.

See you at dinner?

You should see, the first time I
saw Jessica, she was in this stall

and we... [CLEARS THROAT]

Wow. That looks
good, doesn't it?

Thank you.

And that made the fifth
race in a row that we won!

Oh, I know, I saw that race.

You know, Jessica takes those
water jumps better than any filly alive.

Now, look, are you sure
she's not for sale? $,.

No way. Jessica is the most
important thing in my life.

- [CLEARS THROAT]
- What's the matter, honey?

- Something caught in your throat?
- A horse hair.

Will you look at us? Talking shop
and rudely ignoring your lovely wife.

- Louise, will you please forgive us?
- Of course.

Paul gets so
wrapped up in Jessica,

and all because I haven't
won a race in a few weeks.

Paul, you are a lucky guy.

Oh, you know it. Jessica
does a quarter in flat.

- Mr. Benson?
- Yes?

I'm afraid Miss Holland won't
be able to join you after all.

- Oh, no.
- She's feeling a bit under the weather.

- So sorry.
- Miss, wait.

Maybe you'd like
to join me for a drink.

I'd hate to see a perfectly
good bottle of wine go to waste.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I
simply must get back.

No wine? Then how
about some dinner?

I really don't have
time, Mr. Benson.

Well, if you don't want to drink and
you don't want to have some dinner,

maybe we can
just sit for a while.

I'd hate to think I was rejected by
two beautiful women in one night.

Oh.

All right. One quick drink.

Terrific. Here you are.

Thank you.

Here's to us.

- By the way, what's your name?
- Doris, Doris Wilson.

Doris.

I wonder what happened to Mr. Garrett.
Are you sure he's coming, Julie?

Well, I'm not sure, sir, but
he did say he was coming.

Hm. First Kim Holland
refuses my invitation,

then Mr. Garrett
doesn't show up.

Doesn't sitting at the captain's
table count for anything anymore?

Thank you.

Sir, would you excuse me, please?
Mr. Garrett wants to see me. Excuse me.

- Isaac!
- Gopher, please, that's my pouring arm.

It's Captain Stubing.
He's making funny noises.

- Well, it's his ship.
- Not that captain, Captain Stubing!

The horse Captain
Stubing! I think he's sick!

- Uh-oh. Come on, we better get Doc.
- Right.

Hold this.

- Good evening, sir.
- Hi, sir.

Excuse us. Uh, Doc, we need you.
One of our passengers is not feeling well.

- Well, just how serious is it?
- I don't know. He can't talk.

- Oh, sore throat, huh?
- Yeah, Doc, he's a little hoarse.

Well, tell him to gargle
with some salt water,

and I'll be by to
see him after dinner.

Well, that might be too late,
Doc. He keeps going like this.

- [IMITATES HORSE]
- Oh, chills too.

You know, I had that same thing
last week. It must be going around.

I don't think it's
quite the same thing.

Think you can see him now,
Doc? He's chomping at the bit.

Oh, that passenger. I guess I
shouldn't stall him any longer.

- Right!
- Right!

Excuse me, Merrill,
Vicki? Duty calls.

- Excuse us, sir.
- Excuse me.

[SIGHS] Well, Vicki,
it's just you and me.

Dad, may I be excused?
I'm not very hungry.

All right.

- Good night.
- Good night.

They're right. It
is lonely at the top.

- Grant, is anything wrong...?
- I hope you don't mind,

- but I thought we'd dine alone tonight.
- Oh, it's beautiful. Oh!

- I always decorate to suit the company.
- Oh!

Flowers, candlelight, champagne.
What more could a girl ask for?

- Gentlemen...
- [PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC]

- I can't believe this!
- That's not all.

I've put my gourmet talents to
the test to bring you the one dish

- that I know will remind you of home.
- I know what that is, poached salmon!

JULIE: Oh!

That's as close as I could get to
red with one bottle of mercurochrome.

Mm-hm.

Mm-hm.

- Mm, that's strange.
- I knew it! I knew it!

What's wrong?

His heartbeat's playing
"Camptown Races."

- Be serious, Doc!
- How can I be?

I don't know anything about
horses. I'm a people doctor.

- Doc, this is our lifesavings!
- Okay, okay. I'm sorry.

I'll do my best. Excuse me.

Let's see now, come
here. There you go. Now...

Yes, eyes clear. Excuse me.
These are fingers, not carrots.

Yeah, that's good.

- Well, color's pretty good.
- Well, what's the story?

I don't know how to
break this to you guys,

but as far as I can see Captain
Stubing here is as healthy as a horse.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I
have a cold dinner waiting.

Doc, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

You're not going to give
him any pills or anything?

He doesn't need anything. Well,
maybe just some fresh air and exercise,

but, of course, on a ship,
that's impossible. Later.

Fresh air and exercise?

Yeah, but like Doc says,
on a ship, that's impossible.

Not when you're training
a steeplechase champion.

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYS]

You're being awfully quiet.

You're thinking of Kim
Holland, aren't you?

Yes. I'm thinking how glad I am
to be here with you instead of her.

- Oh, really now.
- No, I mean it.

I know she's glamorous and
beautiful and a big movie star.

But you're much nicer.

Besides, you're
just as beautiful.

My, what a lovely
speech. I almost believe it.

[LAUGHS] You can believe it.

I wouldn't even know
how to lie to a woman.

Women used to throw
me into a state of panic.

When did all this change?

Thanks to you,
about three hours ago.

[BOTH LAUGH]

If I didn't know better, I'd
say Julie was falling in love.

Yeah, she's been
dancing for minutes

and her feet still haven't
touched the ground.

Come on, gentlemen, I
think you're exaggerating.

I don't know, Merrill. There's only two
things that can make a guy look that happy:

being in love or watching
an ex-wife remarry.

I tell you, Captain,
something's definitely going on.

Yeah, and let's not forget
Grant Garrett has a reputation

for being one of the
world's great womanizers.

Yeah. Now, that bothers me.

Oh. Don't worry, Adam,
you're still in the top five.

But maybe it wouldn't hurt
if I cut in for just one dance.

You know, if Julie's really
falling in love, you can't blame her.

That Grant Garrett
is quite a guy.

Yeah, that's what I want
to be when I grow up.

- [CLEARS THROAT] May I cut in?
- Of course.

It's nice to see your captain has
such good taste. [CHUCKLES]

- Sir?
- Julie.

- I'm a little concerned about you.
- Oh?

Grant Garrett has a reputation
of being an international playboy.

I don't want to
see you get hurt.

Oh, well, maybe you
haven't noticed lately, sir,

but I'm a big girl now.

Don't worry.

- Show time.
- Oh.

Thank you. If you'll
all take your seats,

we have a very
special treat tonight.

[SOFT JAZZ PLAYS]

- Hello.
- Good evening.

Lovely gown.

JULIE: One of the horses entered
in tomorrow's Acapulco Steeplechase

is called Magic Night,

which also happens to be the title of a
hit record by the owners of that horse.

So for that special treat, they're
going to sing it for us tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, that very
exciting vocal group, The Village People.

[CHEERING]

[MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ Magic night
Magic's in the music

♪ It's a magic night

♪ We all need to use it
We can have a good time

♪ Enjoy all the magical
vibes of this great

♪ When I'm with my
friends There's magic in the air

♪ Good vibrations
always surround us

♪ Play some good
music The moment has left

♪ Happiness and joy's everywhere

♪ Magic night
Magic's in the music

♪ It's a magic night

♪ We all need to use it
We can have a good time

♪ Enjoy all the magical
vibes on this great

♪ Magic night Good
friends all around you

♪ It's a magic night
Magic sure will find you

♪ So let's all try
tonight to feel love

♪ Coming from inside each other

♪ When I'm with my friends
Friends with whom I can share

♪ All my ups and downs
and in-betweens with

♪ When I'm with loved
ones The moments are dear

♪ So much love
is found in the air

♪ Magic night Good
friends all around you

♪ It's a magic night
Magic sure will find you

♪ So let's all try tonight

♪ Feel love coming
from inside each other

♪ Ahhh ♪ So much magic ♪ Ahhh

♪ So much magic

- ♪ Magic night - [CHEERING]

- Darling?
- PAUL: Yeah.

- Have you changed yet?
- All set.

Gotta put Jessica
to bed. Won't be long.

You're leaving me now?
This is our time to be together.

Well, honey, you
could go with me.

[LAUGHS] You
wouldn't know what to do.

Neither do you!

I really had a lovely time, Tom.

If memory serves me correctly,

this is the scene where
you're supposed to invite me in

for an after dinner drink.

After all, dinner and
dancing did go rather well.

It is, they did,
and I'd love to.

- But Kim is in there.
- Oh. I almost forgot about her.

I'm afraid I'm gonna be too
busy to fit her into my schedule.

- Do you think she'll be too disappointed?
- I'll break it to her gently.

But she might want to know what's
suddenly taking up all your time.

Well, for starters, I have a date
to go into Acapulco tomorrow.

Oh? Who's the lucky girl?

You.

I mean you.

- Will I see you tomorrow?
- Oh, yes.

Kim doesn't know
what she missed tonight.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Oh, Kim, I think you're
heading for trouble.

[SIGHS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Forget your key, Paul?

You remember to kiss
your horse good night,

but you forget your darn key.

Oh, hi, Louise. Is Paul
busy? I just wanted to, uh...

Oh, I guess he is busy.

- Sorry.
- He's busy, all right. With Jessica.

Instead of with you?
The man is demented.

Thank you. I like to think so.

Well, I'll, uh, I'll
catch him at breakfast.

Right. He'll be the
one with the feedbag.

Listen, Louise, I was wondering,

could I interest you in a nightcap
and maybe a little dancing?

- Right now?
- Why not?

- What about Paul?
- Oh, no, no, no.

Three for dancing?
That's no fun.

- You're on, Cliff. I'll change.
- Good.

All right, dear husband.

You run your race
and I'll run mine.

[CHUCKLES]

♪ Camptown
racetrack five miles long

♪ Doo dah, doo dah [HUMMING]

♪ Oh, doo da day

[LAUGHING]

- Where are you taking me?
- Over here.

We need the moonlight for this.

Oh, what are you talking about?

- Now, this is perfect.
- Oh...

The gentle ocean breeze,
the sound of the waves,

the soft moonlight in your
hair, it's the perfect setting.

- For what?
- For this.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Oh. Oh, Grant!

Grant, I can't accept this.

Not even from your
future husband?

I'm not the kind of man to hesitate
when I see something I want.

- I want you for my wife.
- Oh, but...

It'll be great for us, Julie.
We'll have the kind of life

other people just dream about.

We'll go wherever we
want, do whatever we please.

Life is full of chances.

Take this one, and I
promise you'll never regret it.

- Oh...
- Don't give me an answer now.

Sleep on it tonight,
tell me tomorrow.

Good night.

Good night.

Oh.

[HORSE WHINNIES]

- Psst! Come on. It's all clear.
- It ought to be, it's : in the morning.

- Are you sure we should be doing this?
- Hey, now listen, man.

Doc said that Captain
Stubing needs exercise.

Why can't he just do
some push-ups in his stall?

- ISAAC: Captain Stubing!
- [HORSE WHINNIES]

GOPHER: Come on.

No, Captain Stubing!

No, the other way, the
other way. Come on.

GOPHER: Come on, Captain.

Captain Stubing,
you're not listening.

- Come on, Captain Stubing!
- Captain, come on!

This is the Captain
Stubing, who's calling me?

Oh, no! Oh!

Here, here, here!

- Captain Stubing, come on!
- Come on!

- Here we go, come on!
- Let's go! Come on!

- Hurry up! Come on!
- Hurry up!

Did someone call the captain?

Oh, come on!

- Good evening, sir.
- Splendid evening, isn't it?

Did you hear someone calling me?

I didn't hear anything.
Did you hear anything?

- I didn't hear anything.
- He didn't hear anything.

Well then, did you hear a
horse running around here?

On deck?

Uh, sir, what would a
horse be doing on deck?

I don't know. I just heard
a lot of clop, clop, clopping.

- Oh...
- Oh, uh...

Well, sir, sir, I was just showing
Isaac a tap dance routine

- from an old Fred Astaire movie.
- Bojangles.

- Bojangles movie.
- Yeah.

- And a one, two...
- Hey, hey, hey!

Clop, clop, clop,
clop, clop, clop!

Clop, clop, clop, clop!
Together, clop, clop, clop!

Clop, clop, clop,
clop, clop, clop!

Clop, clop, clop,
clop, clop, clop!

[LAUGHING]

[GASPING]

He's gone!

Paul?

Darling?

[SCREAMS]

What's the matter?

What is this saddle
doing in bed with me?

- I was cleaning it.
- Oh!

Hey, careful. You
might scratch the hide.

What about my hide? You
don't care anything about me.

You don't care that I went
dancing with Cliff last night.

Oh, is that where you were?

[LAUGHS] Look, Louise, there's no
reason you shouldn't have a good time

while I'm busy getting
ready for the race.

Paul, we have
to talk. Right now.

No, no, no, honey. Gotta get
Jessica ready for the big race.

I'll see you later.

Incredible.

The horse sees fine, but
the owner wears blinders.

Oh...

- Gopher. Wake up.
- Oh! Captain! Where are you?

- We don't have a horse!
- Ssh!

- Did you find him yet?
- No.

How could we lose a horse?

STUBING: I want that mess
cleaned up immediately!

I will not tolerate
that on my ship.

- Something wrong, sir?
- Everything is wrong!

The supply room looks like
a truck has run through it.

Someone broke in and took every
carrot and apple from the galley.

- Oh!
- Uh...

Sir, maybe the chef is making
an extra-large Waldorf salad.

Gentlemen, I want you to
find out who's responsible

- and bring them to my cabin at once.
- Yes!

- Right away, sir!
- Sir!

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

That was too close for comfort.

BOTH: Oh... oh!

- Oh, gotcha!
- Come on!

Get him back to the
hold. This way, here.

- This way, this way.
- Hold on! Come on! Come on!

- This way!
- Come on!

Come on, come on!
Come on, Captain Stubing!

- Hey, where are we taking him?
- Your cabin!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

- Who is it?
- Captain Stubing.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Yes, Captain?

I just dropped by
to tell Miss Holland

that the ship's photographer
is waiting for her.

Miss Holland agreed to do
some publicity for the line.

She's not here. She's
on the, uh, Lido Deck.

Are you sure? I was just there.

Oh, I'm positive. I just spoke
with her on the telephone.

Oh. The reason
I'm here personally

is because the phones have
been out of order all morning.

Oh.

Well, I rather suppose
this calls for an explanation.

Won't you come in, Captain?

My survival kit.

I put these on and I'm
no longer Kim Holland.

Nor am I hassled,
ogled or pawed.

They're my freedom.

That's remarkable.

You know, it's funny, Captain.

I have been using
Doris merely as a shield.

But today... oh, today there's
no one else I'd rather be,

because Doris has a very
special date in Acapulco.

I'm sorry for
upsetting your plans.

I guess I'm stuck with
being Kim Holland today.

Well, obviously this man doesn't know
that Doris and Kim are one and the same.

No, he doesn't.

Well, when he finds out, it
could be quite a blow to him.

You may be right, Captain.

I really don't want to hurt him.

Nor yourself.

You know, the Hollywood
life is very foreign to me,

but it seems that being a star
has some disadvantages too.

Yes, it has.

Living two lives
must be very difficult.

Perhaps the answer is for you to
decide who you really want to be.

Doris the unknown, Kim the star.

Doris, let's get an
early start for the races.

[KNOCKING]

Doris, are you in there?

She's not here. I don't
know where she is.

- He what?
- He asked me to marry him.

He asked you to marry him?

- Well, does anyone know?
- They do now.

- What are you going to do?
- I don't know.

I think I just need
some time alone to think.

Doc, I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

Have you heard the news? Grant
Garrett asked Julie to marry him.

He what?!

Sorry. You have got be kidding!

I know it sounds
incredible, but it's true.

What does?

Grant Garrett asked
Julie McCoy to marry him.

He what?!

He's old enough
to be her father!

Gentlemen, let's pay Grant
Garrett a little visit, hm?

[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]

- Excuse me.
- Yes? What do you want?

I've been looking all over for your
secretary. Do you know where she is?

- Yes, I sent her home.
- You what?

She was spending far too
much time on personal matters.

Besides, I don't need her here.

- Well, did she leave a note for me?
- Sorry.

Yeah, I bet you are.

Can you turn just a bit
to your left, Miss Holland?

Mr. Garrett, can we
talk to you a minute, sir?

Oh, you've come to wish me
luck in the steeplechase. How nice.

No, Mr. Garrett, we want to know
what your intentions are with our Julie.

Oh.

Well, quite simply, my
intentions are to marry her.

- But you just met her.
- I'll handle this.

But you just met her.

Don't you believe
in love at first sight?

The way we hear it, this isn't
exactly your first "first sight."

Well, the fact is
you're just so much...

Uh...

Well, what Doc is trying
to say is Julie's a lot...

She's a lot, uh...

Would you like to give it a try?

I know there's a big
difference in our ages.

What's more important, the amount
of time you spend with somebody,

or the quality of that time?

I know Julie and I won't
be together forever,

but I promise we'll make the
most of the time we do have.

I want her to be with me.

Couldn't you just adopt her?

I love Julie,

and if she agrees to marry me, I
hope you'll be happy for both of us.

Well, I guess all we
can do is wish you luck.

Julie's the one
with the good luck.

- Hm?
- What?

She's got friends like you
who really care about her.

Wow.

Captain, everyone is excited
about the race this afternoon.

I understand there's more
than the race to be excited about.

- Oh?
- I heard Grant Garrett

- proposed to you last night.
- You heard about that, too?

Now, how does news
get around so fast?

Well, that's one way.

Sir, you know what the
trouble with Grant Garrett is?

- Hm?
- He's perfect!

Okay, Captain Stubing. Which
side do you want your part on?

Safe at last. The captain
and everybody's gone ashore.

Good. Let's get going.

Wait, wait. This is
a big day in our life,

and I just want you
to know something.

- I'm glad you're my buddy.
- Hey, same goes for me.

BOTH: Well, you better
put on your jockey suit.

Wanna run that by me again?

I said you better put on your
jockey suit. What did you say?

I said something
very similar to that.

What do you mean, I
better put on my jockey suit?

I am not getting on
this horse, you are.

Is there somebody else in this room?
'Cause I know you ain't talking to me.

I thought you were
going to ride this horse.

I thought you were going to
ride him. I haven't been on a horse

since I posed for a picture on a
pony when I was six years old.

That puts you one up on me.

Well, that just cuts it then, man.
Forget the race. Forget everything.

Wait a minute, Gopher. Now,
wait a minute. We just can't quit.

Come on, now. We've
got too much at stake.

One of us has got to
get up on that horse.

I agree, you do it.

Gopher, Gopher, we
don't have time to argue.

Now, let's do this
fairly. I'll flip a coin.

- Loser rides.
- Agreed. I'll toss, you call.

Tails never fails.

ANNOUNCER: [OVER PA] Good
afternoon, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to Portillo Park, and the
tenth annual Acapulco Steeplechase.

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

It's a beautiful afternoon here
and the track, as usual, is fast.

It should be an exciting race.
It is ten minutes to post time.

The jockeys are in final
preparation warming up their horses.

- Julie, my love, wish me luck.
- I'll do better than that.

- There's no way I can lose now.
- I think I better go find a good seat.

I'll see you in the
winner's circle.

Okay, come on
now, let's get it on.

[GRUNTING]

How can I get it on
when I keep falling off?

- Didn't he ever ride before?
- Yeah, but only in a Pontiac.

Told you we should have
got seat belts for this thing.

Wait a minute. I thought an Indian
was supposed to ride bareback.

I'm not taking my clothes off.

I had to trade Manhattan
Island for this outfit.

Remember, just let the
horse know who's boss.

All right, you're the boss.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it is now post time.

The jockeys will be bringing
the horses to the starting line.

And the race will be getting
underway in just a few moments.

[PLAYING MARIACHI MUSIC]

[ANNOUNCER SPEAKS SPANISH]

- Hi.
- Oh, Julie.

- Have you seen Isaac and Gopher?
- No.

Boy, I'm glad you're riding.

I never knew you were supposed
to hold a horse by its neck.

Listen, Gopher, you're
gonna be all right.

You just bring him on in home.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- Hey, I'll see you later.
- Where you going?

I'm going over to the starting
line and watch you start!

- What am I supposed to do?
- Ride!

Gross!

ANNOUNCER: Here
come the riders now.

Ladies and gentlemen,
let's give them a big hand.

[APPLAUSE]

Leading the field is our grand
master Señor Roberto Cardoza Garcia,

riding the Royal Star.

Isaac, there you are.
Come watch the race with us.

- No thanks, Captain...
- I insist.

- It's the best spot in the house.
- You don't want to miss this, do you?

It could be very interesting.

ANNOUNCER: Following Ramon's
Royal Star is Morning Thunder,

ridden by Philip Wilkins.

Second is Gold Rainbow,
ridden by Grant Garrett,

in the purple and yellow silks.

Then Pablo Gonzales
riding El Capitan.

Then Paul Willis in
the orange and white,

riding his mare Jessica.

Next is Felipe Rose of The
Village People riding Magic Night.

Hey, look! Gopher's on a horse!

- Anybody care for a refreshment?
- Not so fast.

- What is Gopher doing on a horse?
- Well, sir, uh,

we kind of own him.

Now, I understand.
[LAUGHS] It's perfectly clear.

Clop, clop, clop,
clop, clop, clop, clop!

Sir, we were gonna tell you all about
it, we kinda wanted to surprise you.

Well, you surprised me all right.
Nothing could surprise me more.

ANNOUNCER: And finally, Burl
"Gopher" Smith riding Captain Stubing.

I was wrong. I could
be more surprised.

Will the riders please bring
their horses to the starting line.

You mean to tell me that Paul didn't
even notice that we were out dancing

until early in the morning?

He wouldn't notice if
I jumped overboard.

Unless I happen to be
riding Jessica at the time.

Why don't you just come to
my cabin about : tonight?

- [LAUGHS]
- He probably won't even notice that.

ANNOUNCER: As presenter
of the Acapulco Grand Trophy,

we're proud to welcome the
beautiful Miss Kim Holland.

[APPLAUSE]

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the
moment we've all been waiting for.

Horses and riders are
ready, the flag is up,

the tenth annual Acapulco
Steeplechase is about to begin.

And... they're off!

Oh! It's a man down! Felipe
Rose of The Village People!

Magic Night, wait for me!

[SHOUTING]

Wait for me!

ANNOUNCER: He's
running after his horse!

Looks like Felipe's in fine form as
he clears the first jump with ease.

- The field is running...
- Come on, Grant!

Followed by Paul Willis and
Jessica. Third is Pedro's Pleasure,

then Morning Thunder as
they clear the second jump.

Yeah, Gopher!

ANNOUNCER: One of our riders
is having trouble. It's Burl Smith.

- It looks like it's Captain Stubing...
- Gopher know what he's doing?

It doesn't look like it.

- Oh! Oh!
- Come on, come on!

ANNOUNCER: for the lead.

Grant Garrett's Gold Rainbow and
Paul Willis' Jessica are neck and neck.

The nearest challenger
is several lengths behind.

Into the jump it's Gold
Rainbow by a length,

followed by Jessica, Morning
Thunder, Pedro's Pleasure.

And trailing the field
is Captain Stubing.

- Ahh!
- ANNOUNCER: Rider down.

It's Gopher Smith.

But he's up!

- What?
- Come on, Gopher! Come on, man!

[SHOUTING]

ANNOUNCER: And
here comes Felipe Rose!

Nah, nah, you're
gonna come in last!

ANNOUNCER: I think we
have another race going on here.

Our riders just cleared the last jump
and are coming down the home stretch.

It's Jessica and Gold Rainbow,
Gold Rainbow and Jessica

still battling for the lead,
followed by Morning Thunder

- and Pedro's Pleasure.
- Come on, I know you can do it!

Look at them go! I tell you, Paul
and Jessica were made for each other!

Why can't he just have a
girlfriend like any normal husband?

ANNOUNCER: It's Jessica and Gold
Rainbow, Jessica and Gold Rainbow.

And Jessica pulls
out in front by a length.

And is the winner, followed by Grant
Garrett on Gold Rainbow, second.

And Pedro's Pleasure, third.

- [CHEERING]
- I told you she could do it!

I told you! What a
horse! What a horse!

- Gopher!
- [SHOUTING]

ANNOUNCER: The race continues
with Burl Smith and Felipe Rose

neck and neck, coming
down the home stretch.

It's Felipe and Gopher,
Gopher and Felipe,

battling on for the lead. And
moving out in front is Felipe.

And ladies and gentlemen,
he is the winner by a feather!

[CHEERING]

Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of
the tenth annual Acapulco Steeplechase,

Mr. Paul Willis riding Jessica.

And here to present the award to
our winner is one of the biggest stars

in motion pictures today,
the beautiful Miss Kim Holland.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Miss Kim Holland.

Oh, thank you!

I can't believe it.

This and Kim Holland
all in one day. Wow!

Is that offer still
good for tonight?

I want to thank you for today.

I didn't realize horse
racing was so exciting.

- It's even more exciting when you win.
- Oh, don't take it so hard.

- You had some bad luck.
- You're right.

Who needs a trophy, as long as
I got you for a consolation prize.

Oh!

Excuse me.

Louise!

We did it! We won!

Well, congratulations.
Now we each have a trophy.

- What does that mean?
- You have that, and...

I have Cliff.

Perhaps I can forgive the fact that
you smuggled a horse onboard my ship.

- But sir, we...
- And perhaps I can forgive the fact

that that horse destroyed
my supply room.

- Sir, we didn't...
- But there's one thing

I cannot excuse that a horse bearing
the name Stubing finished dead last.

Next year, we're buying
a horse that can jump.

- Yay!
- All right!

- And there's some good news, sir.
- Let me have it.

Right now I'm
ready for anything.

We sold the horse for $
more than we paid for him.

Well, congratulations,
that is good news.

That's just about enough
to pay for the damages.

Now, if you'll excuse
me, I'm going to dinner.

Well, the lovely Miss Holland.
Just the person I wanted to see.

- What do you want from me?
- I want you to get Doris back.

I can't do that.

Well, you can at least tell
me how I can reach her.

- I can't do that either.
- Well, what can you do?

Other than smile
pretty and fool the public

into thinking you're
Miss Wonderful?

It's amazing somebody like
Doris even stays in the employ

of such a self-centered phony.

But then, she's too
nice just to walk out.

And she's prettier, too.

You don't even know
what you're talking about.

TOM: I know more
than I need to know.

I know I'm in love with
the woman you sent home.

Don't you think
you're overreacting?

People don't just
fall in love overnight.

People like you don't.
You know, it's funny.

I took this cruise just for a
chance to get to know you.

And now that I do, I
wish I'd never met you.

A discontented fan. He
didn't like my last movie.

From where I stood, it sounded
a little more serious than that.

You're right. It is.

I guess I didn't put Doris
to rest soon enough.

- He's in love with her.
- The feeling seems to be mutual.

All you have to do is just tell
him that Doris is really you.

Oh, Captain, the warm and witty
Doris Wilson is dead and buried.

I don't know about that.

I have a feeling she's
still alive and well,

and living inside Kim Holland.

Look, he's a nice
teacher from Chicago.

I wouldn't want my kind of life to
change him into something else.

Why don't you let him
make that decision?

Paul, please, I don't
want to do it. I love you.

Don't drive me to another
man. All I ask is a little attention.

- Louise, didn't Paul tell you?
- Tell me what?

Well, Paul sold me Jessica. So,
well, I can't make our date for tonight.

Well, hi. Come on in.

We came by to see if you've
made a decision about Grant yet.

If you haven't, there are
a lot of things to consider.

For instance, do you know if Grant
wants to settle down and have a family?

I don't know.

I always thought that
was important to you.

Well, I did, too. But
now I'm not so sure.

Well, this may sound selfish on my part,
Julie, but if you leave to marry Grant,

we'll be losing a lot more
than a damn fine cruise director.

We'll be losing the
best friend we ever had.

Oh, thanks. I'd miss
you all terribly, too.

- You mean you've decided?
- Yes.

But I think Grant should
be the first to know.

Excuse me.

What do you call this?

Bad timing?

- I thought you loved me.
- I do.

You just showed me how much.

Julie, wait!

- Well, it worked.
- Yes.

Why couldn't you just tell
her you changed your mind

and you don't want to marry her?

But I do want to marry her.

It's just that she shouldn't
want to marry me.

- I don't understand.
- I'm not the right man for her.

But I could never
convince her of that.

This way, she convinced herself.

GRANT: Julie!

- Julie, I love you.
- Oh, you've got to be kidding.

How dare you stand there and tell me
you love me after what I just walked in on!

I admit it. I have
one little shortcoming.

- Shortcoming?
- Some people can't resist sweets,

some can't resist cigarettes,

I can't resist beautiful women.

I'm sorry, Grant, but the
man in my life has to be

the only man in my life,

and I expect him to feel
the same way about me.

Keep it Julie. I want you to have
something to remember me by.

[LAUGHS] Trust me Grant,
you'll be very difficult to forget.

This is the second time
I came in second today.

You're a special lady, Julie, and I
want you to know I'll always love you.

Oh, Grant!

For a complete cad, you
have a lot of style. [LAUGHS]

Louise!

Paul, I was down in
the hold looking for you!

I've been looking for you. What do
you want to fool around with horses for?

- Why did you sell Jessica?
- The price was right.

It included Cliff's promise
never to see you again.

I love you, Louise, and
it took almost losing you

to make me realize
how much I do.

Welcome back, Paul.

Louise, I promise,

from now on we're gonna
have nothing to do with horses.

Except maybe a
little horsing around.

It's a lovely night, isn't it?

Doris, I can't believe
it! You're here!

Are you glad to see me?

- Was that a yes?
- I missed you!

Oh, I missed you, too.

You know, you never gave me a
chance to say what was really on my mind.

I love you.

No matter what?

Now, what do you mean by that?

That's what I mean by that.

What is this, some
sort of a game?

Oh, Tom, Doris was just a character
I created to keep from being hassled.

Oh, you poor kid. My
heart bleeds for you.

You rich and famous
have so many problems.

I know this is all
just a little crazy,

but what I'm trying
to say is I love you.

Now, if you'll just give me a
chance to make up for things...

Well, that depends who you are,

Kim Holland, glamorous
movie star from Hollywood,

or Doris Wilson, lovely
secretary from London.

How about June Westheimer,
ordinary girl from Milwaukee.

Well? Aren't you
going to say anything?

Kim?

Doris? June?

I have a feeling the four of us are
going to be very happy together.

First officer, stand by.

Stand by on the bow.

Prepare docking line.

- JULIE: Thanks for sailing with us.
- Julie?

Uh-huh? Oh.

I wanted to say goodbye.
It was a beautiful trip.

I hope you won't
remember me unkindly.

Oh, no, all my memories
will be very pleasant.

- Take good care of the red sneakers.
- Oh, I will.

That's one gift I'm keeping.

- Bye-bye, Grant.
- Bye, Julie.

Well, as one horseman to
another, thank you for sailing with us.

- Thank you very much.
- This cruise was so great,

we're going to be taking another
trip in a couple of months to London.

A second honeymoon.

- Aw!
- London.

Isn't there a big
steeplechase coming up there?

Oh, really? What a coincidence.

Oh, look, I want to
say goodbye to you two.

And Paul, thanks for Jessica. You can
wish us luck at the London Steeplechase.

We will! As a matter of
fact, I'll be there in person.

London? Who's going to London?

Niagara Falls, that's the
place for a second honeymoon.

All right.

- So long.
- Fellas?

- Mm-hm?
- Do you happen to know

if there's a steeplechase
in Niagara Falls?

Are you sure you know
what you're getting into?

Large parties. Boring
premieres. Smothering fans.

I think I can
make the sacrifice.

- Goodbye.
- Oh, Captain, thank you for everything.

Oh, any time. Wait.

That's for your secretary.

Goodbye, it was great
having you with us.

Bye-bye.

Well, so long, Randy.
Goodbye, David.

Captain, on behalf
of the rest of the guys,

- I want to thank you for a great cruise.
- Well, the pleasure was all mine.

And if there's ever anything I
can do for you, just say the word.

- Well, there is one thing.
- Yeah?

[LAUGHING]

Come see us again. It was
wonderful having you with us.

- Bye, Captain.
- Terrific show.

I've always wanted
a kinky lid like this.

- Bye-bye!
- Bye!

So, Captain, where's our
next cruise? Indian Ocean?

[LAUGHTER]