04x08 - The Baby Alarm/Tell Her She's Great/Matchmaker, Matchmaker Times Two

[bunniefuu]

[THEME TUNE STARTS]

♪ Love

♪ Exciting and new

♪ Come aboard

♪ We're expecting you ♪ And love

♪ Life's sweetest reward

♪ Let it flow

♪ It floats back to
you ♪ The Love Boat

♪ Soon will be
making another run

♪ The Love Boat

♪ Promises
something for everyone

♪ Set a course for adventure

♪ Your mind on a new romance

♪ And love

♪ Won't hurt anymore

♪ It's an open smile

♪ On a friendly
shore ♪ It's love

♪ Welcome aboard ♪ It's love ♪

Well, would you say we
just had the numero uno,

worst time we've
ever spent ashore?

No, no, there was the
time we had poison oak.

There was the earthquake.

You're right, this was the worst
time we've ever spent ashore.

No, no, no, I had a worse time
one weekend with my third wife,

but according to our
divorce agreement,

I'm legally forbidden
to discuss it.

Okay, okay, okay, I am sorry. How
many times do you want me to say it?

But Aunt Tania is my aunt.

And how can you refuse your own aunt
when she asks you to bring your friends

to see her play the
part of Lady Macbeth?

Well, at least the play
was held in a church

so she could immediately
pray for forgiveness.

Come on now,
Gopher. I mean, listen,

for someone who never acted
before, she wasn't that bad.

Well, she wasn't great.

Okay you're right, she's the worst
actress I've ever seen in my life.

But I just want to personally
thank you for coming to see her.

- Forget it.
- Uh, you know, she felt so down

after that performance. I mean,
she thought she was terrible.

Well you see? It's unanimous.

Look, I just wanted
to ask you one...

small, little... favor.

- What?
- Well, uh...

The reason I begged
you all to see Aunt Tania

is because Uncle Charles
is bringing her on this cruise.

And?

And I wanted you all to tell
her what a great actress she is.

Come on, now. Well,
it's just a thought...

[ALL YELLING]

Hope you have a good
cruise. Nice to see you.

[LAUGHS] Welcome aboard.

- Hello.
- Hi, I'm Cynthia Bowden.

And, uh, this is
my son, Frankie.

Welcome aboard. I'm Captain
Stubing and this is my daughter, Vicki.

- Hi.
- Hi, Vicki.

Ah, he's adorable.
How old is he?

Eight months.

I'm available if you need
a babysitter, Mrs. Bowden.

Well, thank you,
Vicki, I probably will.

And it's Miss Bowden.

Oh. Well, does Frankie
say anything yet?

Oh. No, not a word.

But he has a way of letting you
know exactly what he's thinking.

- Especially about people.
- Really?

Yeah. I trust him absolutely.

In my book, if
Frankie takes to you,

well, you have to be
a pretty nice person.

But if he cries... well, I
become highly suspicious.

Well, you'll be talking
before you know it, big fella.

Would you like to hold him?

I'd love it.

[CHUCKLES]

[FRANKIE CRIES]

Oh!

He's... probably... hungry.

Yes. Goodbye.

I've always been highly
suspicious of you, too.

I want to thank you for taking
me on this cruise, Charles.

Whatever made
me think I could act?

Especially a role
like Lady Macbeth.

I was terrible!

I shall never face
my friends again.

Come on, Tania, forget
about it. They'll forget it.

I mean, do you ever hear people
talking about the bubonic plague, still?

Thanks.

Don't forget Julie, you promised to tell
my Aunt Tania what a great actress she is.

Right.

- Aunt Tania!
- Isaac!

Uncle Charles! Listen, I
want you to meet Julie McCoy.

- Come on over here. Julie...
- Mm-hm.

This is my Uncle Charles
and my Aunt Tania.

Well, how do you
do. Welcome aboard.

I wanted to tell you that
I think your performance

as Lady Macbeth
was truly outstanding.

- What?
- Yes, you were fabulous.

You gave a totally new
dimension to the character.

I did?

Doc. [CHUCKLES]

I want you to meet Uncle
Charles and Aunt Tania.

Aunt Tania, I'm in the middle
of a medical emergency,

but I just had to tell
you how much I enjoyed

your, um, interpretation
of Lady Macbeth.

- You did?
- You were brilliant.

Your acting...

sent chills up and
down my spine.

It did?

Gopher! Gopher, here's
Uncle Charles and Aunt Tania.

Aunt Tania, wow!

I just wish I had the words
to describe your performance.

I mean, you were so...

- What can I say?
- Well, I don't know.

But think of something.

Well, I just wish Shakespeare
could have been there.

Of course he's gone now.

- I'm getting off this ship.
- What's wrong?

If your crew doesn't know anything more
about sailing than they do about acting,

I'm betting we're gonna sink
before we get out of the harbor.

Hello, we're Charles and Marion
Cummings and Katie, our daughter.

Well, hello, welcome aboard.

Let's see, Mr. And
Mrs. Cummings.

Yes, you're on the Fiesta
Deck, cabin , and Katie,

- you're in the adjoining cabin, .
- Thank you.

We're meeting our
friends, Mr. and Mrs. Clark.

And their son Brett.
Have they arrived?

- No, not yet. Excuse me.
- Thank you.

Well...

Katie, how long has it been
since you've seen Brett?

Not since the party you and his folks
had for us when we went away to college.

That long? I'm surprised the two of
you haven't got together in all that time.

How could we? You and his
folks weren't around to arrange it.

Now, Katie...

Come on, Dad, you four have
been trying to get us together

ever since you dropped
us in the same playpen.

Next thing you
know you'll accuse us

of arranging this trip just
to get you two together.

Well?

Hey Chuckie, baby! We're here!

Start the boat! Hey!

- How you doing Katie? How's college?
- Great, and you?

- Oh, fantastic.
- That's good.

Those two look better
together all the time.

What we haven't been able
to accomplish all these years,

I'll bet that moonlight
and the Love Boat will.

I've got that feeling again.

[HORN BLOWING]

[CHEERING]

Thank you.

That's a pretty lady.

Very, but well-guarded.

Oh yeah? I don't
see any guys around.

In the bassinet.

Oh, yeah.

Be nice to the baby
and win the lady.

Well, that is no problem.

A glass of white
wine for the lady.

And just tell her
that it's from me.

Okay, but I think you're
wasting your money.

You should be buying
milk for the baby.

Miss Bowden?

- Yes.
- Compliments of Mr. Wayburn.

[COOING]

Well, perhaps someday
a charming stranger

will buy my mother
a glass of wine.

Cute kid. Koochie-koochie-koo.

[CHUCKLES] Kids love me.

[COOING]

Gig Wayburn.

Cynthia Bowden.

[EXHALES] Well, any friend
of Frankie's is a friend of mine.

Ah. Need napkins, okay?

How can you and your
friends tell her such lies?

She is a horrible actress.

Uncle Charles, there
comes a time in our lives

when we should all hear
little fibs about ourselves.

Now, hasn't Aunt Tania
been a good wife and mother?

The best. What has
that got to do with it?

Well, don't you think you can
help repay her for all that devotion

by telling her what a
good actress she is?

Well, maybe you're right.

What, with the whole world
knowing how horrible she is,

why should she
have to know it, too?

Look at the kids.

We might not even
need the moonlight.

I knew it would happen.

Uh, Katie, could you
move over a little?

You're blocking my view
of that great-looking blonde.

Oh, come on, you
can do better than that.

She reminds me of that nerd
you had a thing for in high school.

Oh! Well, what did I
know in high school.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, Captain, could I
talk to you for a second?

Sure, what is it?

We all went to see my Aunt
Tania play Lady Macbeth.

Oh, yes. I'm sorry I couldn't
make it. How was she?

- Terrific.
- She was abs...

And listen, she
is on the cruise.

And I was wondering if you
could tell her how great she is.

Well, how can I tell her how great
she is, when I didn't see her perform?

Sir, believe me,
it's easier this way.

Oh, please, sir. She'd
really appreciate it.

You know how delicate
an artist's ego is.

Yes I understand.

Well, uh, I'll talk to her
when I get a moment.

- Listen Gopher.
- What?

Now, you got to remember
to give her a great big buildup.

I already have given
her a great big buildup.

A person can only lie so much.

Oh, Gopher, that was only
a little bitty, teeny-weeny lie.

Now I want you to give me
some real big, giant whoppers.

Julie's doing it.

Honest, Julie?

Yes, yes. I can honestly say,

that I've never seen a
performance quite like it.

You were absolutely unique.

Well... I may have been okay,

but I don't know
if I was brilliant.

- Oh!
- She didn't say you were brilliant.

But that's what she meant.

You two really did do a
terrific job bringing up Katie.

Well, you what
we think of Brett.

You've got to take some credit.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Oh brother, they're
toasting right now,

probably saying how
proud they are of us.

And plotting their next move.

You know, it's amazing.

No matter how many times
they've tried to throw us together,

they still haven't
ruined our friendship.

Yep.

- Whoa!
- [LAUGHS]

Oh there you are, Aunt Tania!

The newest star in
the theatrical heavens!

- [CHUCKLING]
- Oh, Captain, really!

- Did you hear what the Captain said?
- I heard.

You know, I saw Judith
Anderson in the Broadway version,

but your interpretation of
the role had to be much better.

- Judith Anderson?
- Yes.

Well, Captain,
talent is a rare gift.

And I'm sure Judy
gave it her best shot,

but just couldn't cut it.

You have sweet dreams.

You know what? I hate to
leave you, even for an hour,

but your mama is
going on the first date

she's had since you were born.

Yeah. And with
somebody you picked, huh?

Do me a favor, Frankie.

Frankie, say, "mama," huh?

Mama. Come on.

You know what your problem is,
you're stubborn, just like your father.

Yes, and you look just like him.

But I love you.

You are the most
important man in my life.

- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Just a minute.

[FRANKIE COOING]

- Hi.
- Hi, Vicki, come in.

I think I'm running late.

Here is a bottle in the warmer.

There's an extra blanket
in case it gets colder,

and I will, uh, be in
the dining room first,

then the Acapulco Lounge.

- Do you have any questions?
- Just one.

- How about two dollars an hour?
- Deal.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.

Hi Frankie.

Hurry it up a little, will you?

We're gonna be late
for dinner. I'm starving.

Charles, please.

Oh, the Captain and
the crew really loved me.

Yeah, I guess they
thought you were okay.

"Okay"? They really loved me!

Well, I wouldn't
say they "loved" you.

You're right. I guess
they didn't love me.

They adored me.

Now, I'm ready
to meet my public.

Hand me my tiara.

Where did you get this thing?

I bought it in the gift
shop, with the rest of these.

A star has to look like a star.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

I'm sorry.

I was just thinking
about Frankie.

Frankie?

Frankie, my son.

- Your pal?
- Oh, yeah, Frankie. [LAUGHS]

- He's a terrific kid.
- Yes.

I'm really glad
that, uh, I met him.

- Have you seen Isaac?
- No, why?

Because I want to tell him I'm not
gonna lie to his Aunt Tania anymore.

It makes me nervous to lie so
much. I'm breaking out in hives.

Don't worry. I think we've
all lied more than enough.

Good evening. Not
to mention bonsoir.

- Good evening.
- Not to mention, bonsoir.

You must come
over to our table later.

We'll discuss Shakespeare
and other dead people like that.

Yes, that sounds lovely.

I always enjoy talking
about show business.

Till then.

You people have
created a monster.

I'll get you for this.

Charles.

- [ALL SIGHING]
- There we are.

Oh! Oh, this is all wrong.

It should be boy-girl, boy-girl.

- Now, wait...
- [MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]

But that's where you
were to begin with.

- What do you call that?
- Musical chairs.

The hard way... no music.

- Doctor Livingston, I presume?
- [CHUCKLES] Indeed.

- Madam.
- What's your name?

- Robert - Pen.

"Dear... Robert.

Sorry you missed...
my performance...

as Lady Macbeth.

Maybe next time.

Best regards, Aunt Tania."

There you are.

Thank you.

Suppose I get us
a glass of wine?

That is a terrific idea.

Well, maybe champagne. We
might have something to celebrate.

Uh... okay.

- Two champagnes, your best.
- Ah. Coming right up, Mr. Wayburn.

I see that you
passed the baby test.

That's right, and tonight,
hopefully, I will pass the mommy test.

[BAND PLAYING MELLOW JAZZ]

[WHISPERING] Do something!

May I cut in?

Oh, sure, Dad.

There's a girl out there
who lost her partner.

So to the rescue, sailor.

Mr. Clark, Ms. Cummings.

- I think we've met.
- Yes.

We've got to do
something about this.

[MUSIC ENDS]

[APPLAUSE]

Isaac? Excuse me.

I have an idea I think
you'll like. Is your aunt here?

Yeah, she's sitting
over there, up front.

- What's your idea?
- You'll see.

[INDISTINCT]

Ladies and gentlemen, may
I have your attention, please.

We have a very talented
actress with us this evening.

An actress who recently
starred as Lady Macbeth.

So perhaps if all of us here

gave this fabulous
actress a warm welcome...

she might stand
up and take a bow.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mrs. Tania Nolan.

[BAND PLAYING FANFARE]

Thank you.

For all you folks who
weren't fortunate enough

to see me in my limited
engagement as Lady Macbeth,

let me hit you with a
few of the highlights.

Get the picture.

There are a lot of characters
on stage, blabbering,

"Blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah..."

And then Lady
Macbeth... that's me...

makes her entrance, and I say...

"Out, damned spot!

Out, I say!"

Oh, you've gotta know that

here, I'm talking to
a spot on my hand.

I'm not talking to a dog. Ha!

And then the minor
players come on,

like Macbeth, and they...

"Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah," some more.

And then I say...

"Yet do I fear thy nature?

It is too full of the milk
of human kindness...

to catch the nearest way.

Thou wouldst be great!

Not, not without ambition,

or without kindness,
should attend it."

I know what you're thinking.

You're saying Shakespeare

must've been a pretty
heavy drinker. [LAUGHS]

Thank you all.

[POLITE APPLAUSE]

Having trouble
finding your keys?

Then why don't
we go to my cabin?

Well, what's so special
about your cabin?

Well, for one thing, I
don't have a roommate.

Oh, I see your point.

But my babysitter
can't stay too late.

- [WHISPERING] Hi.
- Hi.

- How's he doing?
- Terrific.

- Good.
- He's been good all night.

How much do I owe you?

Oh, uh, three and a half
hours, two dollars an hour.

Seven dollars.

- Okay.
- Oh, you can pay me tomorrow.

- Good night.
- Good night.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Thank you.

Look how peacefully
he's sleeping.

He looks like a little angel.

That's right, that's my pal.

[CRYING]

Good night, pal.

I know we have to do something,
but does it have to be that drastic?

I think we've been polite
and patient too long, Katie.

Now, if we want to stop
them from forcing us together,

we've got to be bold.

- I know, but...
- Hey, you two.

Good luck tomorrow.

Uh, thanks. For what?
What's tomorrow?

The shuffleboard and dance
contests. You're signed up as a team.

- We didn't...
- Oh, I know you didn't.

Your parents did.
I'll see you later.

Doesn't that convince
you? It's never gonna stop.

You're right. Let's do it.

Well, after all, they
want us together.

And how can you be more
together than sleeping together?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- Who is it?
- It's me.

Uh, just a second.

[WHISPERS] Wake up, wake up.

This is it. Let's go.

Brett, we're waiting.

Uh, okay. I'll meet
you at breakfast.

- We want to see you now.
- Uh, coming.

Honey.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Open the door!

- Oh, hi, you're all here.
- Brett, let us in.

Uh, what's going on?
What's happening?

Katie did not sleep in her...

bed last night.

- Have you seen her?
- Uh, Katie? No.

No, I haven't seen her.

The last time we saw her
last night, she was with you.

Oh, well, we had a drink,
and then we said good night.

What's this?

Champagne.

Did you need two glasses?

Uh, policy of the ship. They serve
you two in case you break one.

Are you wearing lipstick now?

And you have given
up jockey shorts?

Okay, okay, so I had
some company last night.

- Brett!
- What? I'm a big boy now, Mom.

And so as not to
embarrass the young lady,

I'd like to ask you
all to leave, please.

Honey, our bath's getting...

- Whoops!
- Katie!

What have you
done to my daughter?!

- Oh...
- Don't tell me, don't tell me!

Isaac, I've got to talk to you.

- What is it, Aunt Tania?
- It's your Uncle Charles.

He doesn't want
me to keep acting,

because he says my acting
is messing up our marriage.

Well, if he feels
that strongly...

But the way I figure it,

it isn't my acting career
that's messing up my marriage.

My marriage is messing
up my acting career.

So I'm leaving him
and going to Hollywood.

What? Uh...

You can come along
with me if you want to.

You wanted to be a writer,
so you can write my life story.

"The Story of Aunt Tania:

In Spite of What You
Think, She's Only Human."

But Aunt Tania,
you can't do that.

You've been with Uncle
Charles all these years!

- Don't you still love him?
- Of course I love him.

But, darling, that's showbiz.

- Hello!
- Oh, hi.

Oh, is it okay if I take a peek?

- Sure.
- [CHUCKLES]

[FRANKIE WAILING]

It's all right, it's all right.

Boy, kid like that could really
give a person an inferiority complex.

Yes. Good thing
I'm well adjusted.

I still can't see why they
say it's all Brett's fault.

To hear them talk, you'd think
he dragged her to his cabin.

It's obvious she went
there of her own free will.

She seduced him,
that's what she did.

Hmm! I know how
those young girls operate.

When I was a young girl...

Forget that. She
seduced him, that's all.

- Breakfast?
- Yes.

- I know just where you'd like to sit.
- Thank you, Julie.

Good morning.

Well, here we are.

And you know the
Clarks. [CHUCKLES]

Not any more, we don't!

Thank you. We like it like that.

That hussy daughter of yours
certainly had us fooled all these years.

Our Katie, a hussy? [SCOFFS]

Oh, well, that's pretty
ironic, coming from a couple

- who reared a sex maniac!
- Sex maniac?

I'd put Brett's morals
up against anybody!

Ever since that daughter
of yours was five years old

and you caught
her playing doctor,

I knew she'd turn out
to be promiscuous.

Katie was the doctor, but
remember who the patient was

who made the appointment? Brett.

Katie's always was "oversexed."

Are you crazy?
That's ridiculous!

If anything, she's undersexed.
[CHORTLES] Like her mother... er, no.

I mean, Katie's
always behaved herself.

She's never been
in a situation like this.

Excuse me.

And your son will never have a
chance to take advantage of her again

because we've forbidden
her ever to see him!

You could have saved
yourself the trouble,

because we aren't
permitting Brett to see her.

- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Come in.

My wife is leaving me
and it's all your fault!

You and your crew!

I'm gonna sue all of you!

Sir, my crew and I complimented
your wife on her acting

because Isaac, your
nephew, asked us to.

Well.

Can't sue Isaac,
he's a relative.

I'm gonna k*ll him!

JULIE: [OVER PA] We will
be in Acapulco until midnight.

Please check the purser's
desk for shore launches.

Captain, I'm really sorry I
got you involved in this mess.

All of you.

Well, you were only trying
to make your aunt feel good.

You didn't mean any harm.

I know, but now she wants
to leave Uncle Charles.

And go to Hollywood!

Oh, I guess we laid
it on too thick, huh?

Maybe, but how
could she believe us?

Doc, you remember
that blonde from Topeka

who said you were the
sexiest man in the world?

Yeah. What about her?

Look we have to concentrate
on the problem at hand.

Now, the best solution is
usually the most obvious.

Your Aunt has to
be told the truth.

You can count me out, but
you're absolutely right, Captain.

- I pass.
- Fine by me.

I've got an idea.

Why don't I tell her?

- Excuse me.
- Yes, sir.

- Uh, William Simmons is my name.
- Oh, welcome aboard, sir.

I'm Yeoman Purser Smith.

Hey, listen, you can still make
dinner. I'll take your bag, if you'd like.

- Oh, well, thank you very much.
- You bet.

You, uh, wouldn't happen to
know where Cynthia Bowden is?

I understand she's on
board. I'm an old friend.

Uh, yeah. I think I saw
her on the lido deck.

- You go right...
- That's all right, I'll find it.

- Thank you very much.
- Okay.

Hello Cynthia.

[WHISPERS] Bill.

What are you doing here?

I telephoned your parents.

They said you were on
board, so I flew down.

I know it's been a year
since I went to Australia.

You talked to Mom and Dad?

Yes, yes, I talked
to them. Yeah.

They said you were here
with a guy named Frankie.

You in love with him?

Uh... yes.

- Very much.
- That's what I figured.

He's probably
everything I'm not.

Handsome, rich...

No, uh, as a matter of fact,

he's kinda funny looking,
doesn't have a cent.

- He's what?
- Oh, I forgot, uh...

short, bald and unemployed.

[CHUCKLES] You're
here with a guy like that?

Yeah.

Oh, come on, Cynthia.

Are you jealous?

You are jealous.

Yes, I am jealous.

In fact, I'd like to
bash his teeth out.

- It would hardly pay, he only has four.
- What do you mean four?

Besides, I'm betting when you
meet him, he's gonna knock you out.

Come on.

Cynthia...

Look, I think this is silly.

I've changed my mind. I... I
don't want to meet this guy.

Are you gonna chicken out again?

Open the door.

- Hi...
- Hi, Frankie...

I'll, uh... [CLEARS
THROAT] settle with you later.

Yeah, sure.

- Bye.
- Bye.

All right, Cynthia, what's going
on? Where's this guy, Frankie?

He's right here.

This is your son, Bill.

My what?

Well, uh... I didn't lie.

I mean, he's short, bald...

and he's never
worked a day in his life.

My God, why didn't you tell me?

After that big fight we had...

I wanted you back, but
only if it was your idea.

I didn't want you
to feel obligated.

Cynth, I'm back now.

I want us to be together again.

Please?

I don't know.

I just need to think about it.

- Is it okay if I hold my son?
- Yeah.

Come here. Come here, sugar.

Yes you are.

- Hi. Hello, how are you doing? Hello.
- [FRANKIE BURBLING]

I think he likes you.

How do you know?
He hasn't said anything.

- Does he say anything?
- No, not a word.

He's so quiet.

- Is everything all right?
- Everything's perfect.

Hey, Frankie. Hey, Frankie.

Say "Daddy."

Look, look, look... Yeah.

Say "Daddy."

Say "Daddy."

Say "Daddy, Mommy wants
you to come home with us."

Daddy...

Mommy wants you
to come home with us.

Honest?

Honest.

Here.

Hey, Frankie.

What do you say to that?

- What do you say to that?
- Frankie...

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Aunt Tania. May I come in?

Sure, Isaac. Come on in.

Like my new dressing gown?

Had it made to
order in Acapulco.

Took him almost an hour.

Aunt Tania, I have something
very important to talk to you about.

Good, because I have something
important to talk to you about, too.

You know all those great,
old Bette Davis movies?

Well, I was thinking,
when I get to Hollywood,

I could star in the remakes
of all those classics.

For instance, Jezebel.

Yeah, that would...
that would be nice.

Nice?

When they gave Bette
Davis all those awards,

they didn't give 'em
to her for being "nice."

But, Aunt Tania, you're
not quite Bette Davis.

Yet.

So what's the difference
between me and Bette?

Except Bette's a blonde
and I'm a brunette?

On my way down to your cabin,

I was trying to think
of the gentlest way

to say what I have to say.

But there is no gentle way.

You...

You're a terrible actress.

Did you hear what I said?

I'm sorry, but it's the truth.

You're a terrible actress.

As a wife and
mother, you're great.

But...

But as an actress,
you're terrible.

Hi.

Hi.

- Where are your folks?
- They could be anywhere.

- Except where your folks are.
- I'm sorry.

I... I just thought they'd
just get mad at us.

I didn't think we'd
start a family feud.

You know, if... if this
were like old times, I'd...

I'd accuse our parents of putting
that moon up there just for us.

[CHUCKLES] They've done
everything short of that haven't they?

Oh, by the way, I meant to
congratulate you this morning.

- Good piece of acting you did in there.
- You were the star.

You were the one
who had to act so guilty.

- All I did was come out in a towel.
- Yeah, but what an entrance you made.

You should wear towels
more often. You looked terrific.

You noticed?

[WHISPERS] Yeah.

How the hell did that happen?

Beats me.

I think we're falling
into their trap.

That sure felt a lot better
than the last time I kissed you.

At your th birthday
party, remember?

I... I don't know, I...

think I'd have to try it again.

Oh.

You know, uh, Katie...

Before we tell our parents
that nothing happened last night,

let's wait, huh?

Maybe something
will happen tonight.

Stop that this instant!

You two were told to
keep away from each other!

What are you two doing together?

- Is this some of your doing?
- Our doing?

BRETT: All right, now,
hold it, folks, right there.

Now, listen closely.

When Katie and I were together
last night, nothing happened.

- Nothing happened?
- Nothing whatsoever.

You expect us to believe that?

Well, you've gotta believe
it, because it's the truth.

Now, the four of you have gone
so far with your matchmaking,

it was the only way we
could think of to fight back.

We knew it would shake
you up, but we never dreamed

you'd be at each
other's throats.

We're sorry.

Oh. Well, uh...

Who's supposed to apologize
first, the parents of the sex maniac

or the parents of the nympho?

[LAUGHING]

Wait a minute! If nothing
happened last night,

how come we just caught the
two of you in such a big clinch?

Oh, uh... well, that's
a very good question.

We were trying to
figure that out ourselves.

And we're planning on doing a
little more research on the subject.

You know, it's a...
frightening thing to admit, but...

maybe parents do know best.

Excuse us.

[CHATTERING, LAUGHING]

Our babies!

I called you all here because Aunt
Tania wanted to tell us something.

- Aunt Tania.
- Thank you Captain.

Isaac told me what he
thinks about my acting talent.

What you all think
about my acting talent.

And in spite of wanting
to believe something else,

I know all of you
can't be wrong.

So the thing for me to do is
to give up my acting career.

But I'm not going to do that.

Talent or no talent,

I am leaving my family
and I'm going to Hollywood.

Because I think we all
lead a pretty boring life.

And there comes a time

when you should do what you want to do,
whether you have the talent for it or not.

So thank you all, and goodbye!

[DOOR SLAMS]

Well...

Ha! Tricked you, didn't I?

Don't tell me I can't act!

Why, I just made Jane
Fonda look like a fool!

[ALL LAUGHING]

And in spite of being
such a fantastic actress,

I'm still a better
wife and mother.

Charles, I wouldn't
leave you for Hollywood.

Broadway, maybe.

[LAUGHTER]

I vote for twenty ushers
and twenty bridesmaids.

Oh! I've always
dreamed of a big wedding.

And we can have the reception
at our club in the ballroom.

[SIGHS] Look at them. We
don't have the heart to tell them.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, no.

Don't tell me you're
not getting married.

Uh, no, we already did. In
Cabo San Lucas last night.

- You did! Oh!
- [LAUGHING]

Goodbye, come see us again.

Well, Frankie looks happy
now that he's found his father.

Knew me right off, too.

Justified my faith
in him, I'll tell you.

- His first word was "Daddy."
- Ah!

I told you he was smart.

Goodbye, Frankie.

Mommy.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Well, I didn't say
he was infallible.

Goodbye, you three.

And be sure to call me
when he can say "captain."

- We will. Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.

- That baby is so sweet.
- Mm-hm.

I'm gonna miss him.

Well, when we get into port sometime,
maybe you can babysit with him.

Yeah!

You know, she never paid me!

- Uncle Charles, where's Aunt Tania?
- She's saying goodbye to her fans.

Well, everything's
still all right, isn't it?

She hasn't decided to give up Hollywood
and go straight to Broadway, has she?

No, no, we talked it
over, and guess what?

We may be doing
church plays together. I did

a little acting in high
school, you know.

[CLEARS THROAT]

"Is this a dagger I see before
me, the handle toward my hand?"

Some got it and some ain't.
He's definitely in the "ain't" column.

[ALL LAUGHING]

- Goodbye, Isaac.
- Bye-bye.

- Thanks for coming.
- So long.

Bye.

You know, he's not that bad.

- Oh, Isaac!
- [YELLING]