02x07 - Would You Wrather Be Caught in the Middle?

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Wratherheads!
We've got a good one for you today.


So, would you rather have your every move
scored with music?


(quacking sound effect)


That's not music. It's a sound effect.


I'm an artist. I color outside the lines.


Or have your life narrated


like you're the subject
of a wildlife documentary?


Vote now!


And narration wins!


(burping sound effect)


I am k*lling it today.


-Hey, guys!
-Oh, hey, Peyton.


Watch the young male fidget nervously


as his female companion approaches.


We're just in the middle
of a Would You Wrather?


Listen how the male
lowers his voice a pitch


in a failed attempt
to appear more masculine.


-Back to you, Cami.
-Thanks, Fred.


Will you two cut it out?
Give me the microphone.


Completely embarrassed, he turns his angst
towards the alpha male.


Ooh!


We've got an aggressive one.
He's on the att*ck!


The female, not surprisingly,
looks very confused.


(theme song playing)


Would you rather lose your phone


Or give up pizza for a month?


Share your diary with the world


Or have to eat it for your lunch?


Sing out of tune to your friends


Or trip and fall into your crush?


Shave your head, paint it red?


Or use your dog's toothbrush?


We need a little Q and A


Come on, Wratherheads, play along


Would you rather do this?


Would you rather do this?


Would you rather do that?


Would you rather do that?


Don't matter what we do


We're doing it with you


I'd rather do that


Ask the world


Would you rather do this?


Would you rather do this?


Or would you rather just dance?


Or would you rather just dance?


No matter what we do


We're doing it with you


I'd rather do that


Ask the world!


Would you rather do that?


It's so cool having you on the dance team.


We get to hang together, goof around,


and borrow each other's
clothes whenever we want.


Is that my shirt? I've been trying
to find that for weeks.


Found it!


-(scoffs)
-(chuckles) So whatcha up to later?


Well, it's me and Coop's
one-year anniversary


so I thought it'd be fun to take him
to dinner at Clownie's!


Wait, isn't that that new burger joint


where all the waiters
are dressed up like clowns?


Yeah! When you ask for ketchup,


they sh**t it out of
a big flower on their lapel.


You have to wear goggles.
He's gonna love it!


Oh, no, he isn't.


Didn't Cooper ever tell you
he's terrified of clowns?


-What? No.
-Yeah.


One time when we were little,
he saw a clown at the park


and went into a dead sprint.


He tripped and fell
face first into a fountain.


Then got att*cked by geese.


Oh! Which reminds me,
he's also afraid of geese.


Look at you two! Hangin' out, bein' buds.


This is so cool!


Coop, how have you never told me that
you're afraid of clowns?


(laughs nervously) What?


I'm not scared of clowns.
Did Cami say that?


'Cause she's very mistaken.


Oh, did you hear "clowns"?


No! I said he's afraid of "frowns."


You know this guy, "Captain Happy."


Although, maybe not so much right now.


Coop, it's okay.


Lots of people are afraid of clowns.
And geese.


You told her about the geese?


Hmm! Nice horns.


(chuckles) Wait till you see
my matching hooves.


I'm good.


We're getting our costumes ready to wear
to the new Caves of Goran movie!


It's the last of the trilogy
so it's going to be epic.


The earliest show we could get seats for
isn't for two days--


So we have to avoid spoilers at all cost.


I won't even talk to my own mother.


Your mom's a Caves of Goran fan?


Nope.


Look what I just found on the floor!


Super Duper Sugar Loops.


Ollie, I told you you're not allowed
to have this cereal.


It is loaded with sugar!


Well, not to mention all the gluten,
the chemicals, the artificial coloring.


The pink ones glow in the dark.


You wanna tell me where you got this?


What makes you think it's mine?


(scoffs) You would sell your own mother
for a box of this junk!


That was one time.


And I wasn't trying to sell you.


I was making a trade.


Oh, yeah? Tell that to the old lady
who still thinks I'm her maid.


Look, younger Ollie loved that cereal.


But then I wised up.


Oatmeal and planking,
that's the Ollie system.


Okay. But just know, I'll be watching you
and your every move.


You have a tree growing out of your head.


I can't believe you told
Peyton I'm afraid of clowns!


I only told her 'cause
she was gonna take you out to Clownie's.


So?


The chef's a clown who honks his nose
when the orders are ready.


(fearfully) And people eat there?


(normal voice) Look, I know you two
are friends now


but there are some things
I don't want Peyton to know.


Okay, fine.


Oh, here, maybe this'll cheer you up.


I sh*t this video of Peyton
after practice yesterday.


It's hysterical.


All right, you ready? Check this out.


How is that a trick?


Cami: (laughing)


What did you think?


What did I think?


Milk just came out of her nose!


She's the perfect girl.
Do not mess this up for me!


Just more hours until


all our Caves of Goran
questions are answered!


Will Hajax and Shizbento end up together?


Will Zorach become king?


-And what about... (guttural noise).
-Who's... (guttural noise).


No, I think I just... (coughs)
swallowed a bug.


-(loud crunching)
-Do you hear that?


It's coming from under there.


(crunching continues)


Ollie: Ow!


-Ollie?
-Ollie: Who's Ollie?


I'm the neighborhood cat. Also-- Meow!


(gasps) Sugar Loops?


You know you're not
supposed to have that cereal.


Just don't tell Mom.


I'm not gonna tell her. You are.


Hey, the mailman just delivered
what appear to be horses hooves.


I'll take those!


(chuckles, sighs)


In the meantime,
Ollie has a confession to make.


Ollie?


I confess... I want to start introducing
more jean shorts into my wardrobe.


You don't have the legs.


-Now, if there's nothing else...
-Wait!


I knew you were sneaking this junk.


You're grounded, kiddo! No TV for a week.


-What?
-Fred: A week?


Coop got two weeks just
for being late for curfew.


This was much more devious.


Good point. Two weeks!


You two disappointed me today.


-Ollie, this was your--
-You went against family, Charlotte.


And that... is unforgivable.


And you?


You broke my heart.


Cami! You showed Cooper my milk video?


That was for your eyes only.


I was just trying to cheer
him up with a funny video


'cause he was mad I told you
about his fear of clowns.


Seriously?


You're still talking
about the clown thing?


You guys are making
a big deal over nothing.


Peyton, when Cooper saw your video,
he thought it was awesome.


It doesn't matter.


I don't want Cooper to see me sh**ting
dairy products out my nose!


And I don't want Peyton to think
I'm terrified of lunatics


who run around in big red noses
and floppy feet.


I feel like I'm caught
in the middle of you guys.


How am I supposed to know
what I can or can't say?


Here's an idea... Don't say anything.


Don't tell Peyton stuff about me
and don't tell me stuff about her.


-Ever.
-That works for me.


-Well, what about--
-No!


-But I mean what if I--
-Both: No!


Ugh, fine.


Good. Now that that's settled...


Can we watch the milk video one more time?


No!


(thudding)


Hey. What's all this?


Peyton's family is throwing
her little brother


a birthday party tomorrow.


He asked for a giant cake
so I'm making him one.


Is her brother a woodchuck?


It's part of my plan.


Ever since you told Peyton
I'm freaked out by clowns,


she's been acting really weird.


(sighs) I'm sure you're
just being paranoid.


Peyton: Hey, Coop, I still feel bad
about the whole Clownie's thing.


How about instead we try
that pirate-themed place?


Oh, wait, pirates are scary too.


You know what? We'll just get takeout
from the China Goose.


Oh, no! I said goose, sorry!


This is my life now!


I'm sure she's just looking out for you.


She thinks I'm a coward.


And the only way to prove I'm not


is to show her
I'm not really afraid of clowns.


How are you gonna do that?


Like any normal person would.


Build a wooden cake,
dress up like a clown,


and pop out to surprise her brother.


But it's a surprise so you can't tell her!


I told you. I'm done talking to you guys
about each other.


Okay.


Is this the mask you're gonna wear?


(screams)


Yes.


Hey, Charlotte.


Charlotte? Charlotte!


Oh, hey, sorry.


I was wearing noise-cancelling
headphones at school


to avoid any movie spoilers.


Well, that's a little extreme.


Fred: (grunting)


And that's a lot extreme.


-(bubble pops)
-Fred: (grunts)


Hello!


Okay, we're safe.
We successfully dodged all spoilers!


I had a close call when my math teacher
tried to yank my bubble off,


but I bounced him off the blackboard.


I got a standing "O."


Everyone is talking about this movie.


I feel like such a weirdo
having not seen it yet.


Which reminds me,
I washed your tail and hooves


and hung them on the clothesline.


You're the best.


Okay. One more day, then we're home free.


Hello, sister. Friend of brother.


What you got there?


Only a folder that contains


every Caves of Goran spoiler
I could find online.


-Charlotte: (gasps)
-Fred: (hisses)


Ollie, what are you doing?
You know we've been avoiding spoilers.


You both sold me out to Mom.
So I'm spillin' secrets.


Unless...


you get me more Super Duper Sugar Loops.


(scoffs) Yeah.
We're not gonna be blackmailed by a child.


Oh, but you are.


Unless you don't mind knowing
which character dies at minute nine--


-No! I don't wanna know! (sighs)
-You're ruining my life!


Better get cereal shopping.


Why do you need us?


You seem to have no problem
getting that junk on your own.


Ever since you outed me,
Mom's been bringing major heat.


I need you to get it and stash it.


So you want us to be like
your evil little pantry cabinet?


Absolutely not.


That makes me sad.


Almost as sad as you'll be
at minute nine when--


Both: La, la, la, la, la, la!


We waited so long to see this movie.


We can't let him ruin it for us now!


Fine.


You little lizard.


We'll get you your precious Sugar Loops.


Get the mini boxes. They're untraceable.


And don't cheap out on the generic stuff.


(whispers) I'll know.


-(video game music)
-Man: Perfect!


Hey, sorry again for all the drama
I caused with Cooper yesterday.


It's okay. I think we're past it.


Yeah. Although he's still pretty upset
at me for the whole clown thing.


Apparently, it's a touchy subject
for my little brother too.


I just found out from my mom
that he's also terrified of clowns.


-Wait, what?
-Yeah, like, burst into tears terrified.


Uh, then I may have to tell you
one more thing.


Tonight at your brother's party,
Cooper's planning to--


Are you kidding me?


-You were gonna tell her?
-Tell me what?


Uh... tell you...


I plan on singing Happy Birthday
to your brother at his party.


Surprise.


I think we all were gonna sing that.


Oh, yeah, but...


I was gonna sing it in French.


Great! The -year-olds will love that.


-Cooper, you need to listen to me!
-Save it, Cami!


Luckily, my sharp mind saved the day.


Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go learn French.


Hey.


You got the goods?


Mini boxes, just like you asked.


(sniffs)


Mmm. Charlotte, Fred...


you done good.


-(door opens)
-(gasps) Mom's coming.


(door closes)


Shocking. Random weirdness in my kitchen.


What are you three up to now?


I was just... getting some olives.


(cereal shaking)


It's a new thing he's trying,
maraca pants!


(chuckles nervously)
Show her how they work, Fred.


(cereal shaking quickly)


Not gonna lie. I kinda like this.


Ollie, I gave you this
list of chores last week


and you haven't even started. Get on it!


And no shortcuts. I will be checking!


Absolutely, Mama. Love you!


All right, my talking mules, box me!


Here. Now keep those Goran
spoilers to yourself.


Deal, as long as you two take care
of this chore list for me.


Ollie, we gave you what you wanted.
We're out!


Sorry, not the way it works, Doll Face.


(chuckles) Doll Face, that is wonderful.


Do you have a fun nickname for me?


No.


Look, you evil pixie--


Charlotte, I'd rather do a few chores
than ruin the movie.


We're only hours away from showtime.


-Fine!
-Great!


Oh, and you might wanna wear gloves when
you clean up the bathroom.


Let's just leave it at that.


No spoilers!


Can you turn off the French lesson
and listen to me?


I know you think I
was breaking my word but I--


Were you telling Peyton
that I was gonna jump out


of her brother's giant cake
dressed like a clown?


-Yes, but--
-Then you were breaking your word!


I can't believe you!


As they say in France...


Adios, señora!


-That's Spanish.
-Dang it!


Okay, if you won't listen to me,
maybe you'll listen to the Wratherheads.


Mom, I'm live-streaming!


Hey, Wratherheads! I need your help.


I promised Cooper and my friend Peyton


I wouldn't share the stuff
they each told me.


But the problem is,
Peyton told me something


Cooper definitely needs to hear.


So do I break my promise and tell him


or honor my word and stay out of it?


Vote now.


-(chimes)
-Tell him!


What great advice. Thanks, Wratherheads!


Now you're live-streaming
my private business to the Wratherheads?


Coop, I'm just trying to do a good thing.


You saw for yourself,
even the Wratherheads said I should--


I don't care what they said!
The Wratherheads are wrong this time.


And so are you.


Arrivederci.


What's the word, silly bird?


(sighs) I'm caught in between Cooper
and Peyton and it's horrible.


He's on his way to a party


where he's gonna jump out of a cake
dressed like a clown


and Peyton's little brother is gonna freak
because he's terrified of clowns--


And I know that and Peyton knows that
but Cooper has no idea


because they don't talk to each other
and I'm not allowed to say anything!


Got it? (scoffs)


Something about a cake?


You know what? Whatever.


If Coop doesn't want to listen,
he'll just have to deal with the fall out.


Well that doesn't sound like you.


You and your brother
have each other's backs, no matter what.


Mom, I tried but he shut me down.


So you're just gonna give up?


And how are you gonna
feel when this blows up in Cooper's face


and you know you could've prevented it?


Not good.


Would you want him to give up on you?


No. You're right.


Just because he won't listen


doesn't mean I should
stop trying to save him


from making a huge mistake.


Thanks, Mom.


Okay.


(sighs) Ah, "World's Best Mom."


Mugs don't lie.


I couldn't get the grass stains
out of your pants.


Or the chocolate stains.


Or whatever this "I'd rather not guess"
stain is.


Less talk, more Loops.


Finished polishing your bike.
I also added a bell to your handlebars.


It's a little gift from the Fredster
to let the ladies know you're comin'.


You polished his bike?


Fred finished his half of my chores


so I had him move on to
some of my personal demands.


Here's your list!


I can't take much more of this.


(gasps) Oh, no, the folder's open!
Spoilers!


-(hissing)
-Wait a minute.


There are no spoilers in here.


It's a bunch of Ollie's math homework!


(sighs) So many D's.


Fred, we've been scammed!


And I scrubbed his spokes!


It's time he met "Freddy Two-Fists."


No, no.


He had fun with us, now we're gonna
have fun with him.


Coop, it's me!


Look, I know you don't
wanna hear what I have to say


but you have to get out of there!


Peyton's little brother
is terrified of clowns!


Cami?


Hey, Peyton!


Were you just talking to the cake?


Yes. But it's not weird, see. Cooper is--


Okay, everybody! Cake time!


No! You can't!


These people don't want cake.
They want a healthier option.


Carrot sticks!


Who wants sharper vision?


All: Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake!


No!


Cami!


What are you doing?


Wow, that's the biggest cake ever!
Thanks, Mom.


It's exactly what I wanted!


(sighs) Oh, no, it's not!


You'll thank me for this.


(shouting)


My cake!


Wait... this is real?


Three hundred dollars real!


Happy Birthday, buddy.


Hey, I found the candles
you were looking for--


Cami?


Hey, Coop. (chuckles)


(sing-song) Happy Birthday to--


No?


Okay. We completed all your demands.


Even the disgusting ones
that will haunt us for years.


Your master is pleased.


Ollie!


I told you no video games until
you've completed your chores.


But I already did my chores, Mother.


It's true. He cleaned his room,
vacuumed the rugs,


he even emptied the dishwasher.


You're messing with me, right?
Did you guys help him?


No, they didn't help me!


They just sat on their butts all day
talking about their movie.


I did everything.


The least you can do is give us credit


for hand polishing
every glass in the cabinet.


Let me think about it.


No.


Mom, there's something in the cabinet
you really need to see.


That I did all by myself.


Something Charlotte and Fred
had nothing to do with.


Super Duper Sugar Loops?


You set me up!


You just got an additional month
of no TV and video games!


Go to your room.


Congratulations. You outsmarted me.


This time.


Judging from these homework sheets,
it's gonna be every time.


Seriously, get a tutor.


Just eat it.


(scoffs) You were gonna
pop out of the cake.


Why didn't you pop out of the cake?


Because Peyton told me her brother
is afraid of clowns.


-So I canceled it.
-Oh.


Well, why didn't anyone
tell me you canceled it?


Because it didn't involve you.


You guys involved me!


Ugh, I can't do this anymore.


I never know what I can or can't say.


And then when you
tell me not to say anything,


I end up covered in cake!


Well, then I don't know
what we're gonna do.


I do. I'm going back to talking
to you guys about each other.


And you guys are gonna stop trying to keep
stuff from one another!


You sh**ting milk out your nose


and you being afraid of clowns
is what makes you who you are.


And you shouldn't wanna hide that.


-She's right.
-(sighs)


Cami... I'm sorry.


This whole time you were
looking out for me


and I acted like a jerk.


And you still came to help me.


Yeah, because you're my brother
and I'll always have your back.


Thanks. I'll always have yours, too.


(phone ringing)


It's for you.


Well, we're off to see the movie!


Wow! Do you really need
all that just to see a movie?


Shall I bust out the pictures of you
at last year's Renaissance Fair?


That won't be necessary.


Mom, do I really have to do
these chores all over again?


I'm b*at!


Aw, too bad!


Maybe you'd still have some energy
if you hadn't eaten all that sugary junk.


-Get dusting!
-Dusting?


That's not on my chore list.


Nope. It's on mine.


Along with all these.


Enjoy, Doll Face.


Oh, and when you're done with that,
you can start on my list.


Bathe Lil' Fred?


Be careful. The shampoo stings his eyes.


Cami: Happy birthday, buddy!