01x07 - Luke's Love Story

[bunniefuu]

Hush! I'm trying to give you the names of the entrants to the ObstacIe Derby.

To the first woman to enter the Hazzard Derby.

And it's about time.

Surprise.

Lucifer against GeneraI Lee.

Winner take aII.

You're on.

Y'all hang in there, hear? Christmas is the biggest event of the year in most places.

But in Hazzard County, it's the Annual Hazzard Obstacle Derby.

lt's an illegal stock car race over an obstacle course.

lt's the dirtiest race in America.

There ain't but one rule.

: Finish first anyway you can.

Can I have your attention, pIease? I'm gonna announce the drivers of the Hazzard County ObstacIe Derby just as soon as they deIiver that trophy.

Cooter, give me that.

Where you been? I just wanted to make a big entrance.

Besides, I had to get that off of Boss Hogg's manteIpiece.

WiII you get that messy piece of junk out of here before it starts dripping oiI aII over the pIace? Don't worry about it, Rosco.

It's housebroke.

Cooter, that ain't no way to treat your bike.

-It wasn't mine.

-No.

It was mine.

-You boys fighting over who pays? -Nope.

We're fighting over who's gonna drive in the race.

Bo, are you ready to have your paIm read? -That was dirty.

-Yeah, but it worked.

AII right, everybody, just settIe down.

I wanna make an announcement.

WiII you pIease settIe down a IittIe bit? Daisy, get up there.

AII right.

WiII you hush? Hush! Hush, now.

I'm trying to give you the names of the entrants to the ObstacIe Derby.

Now, these are the four drivers that's made the most points on a dirt track here in the state this year.

The winner gets $500 of coId cash.

AII right! If he Iives.

He aIso gets the possession, for one soIid year of this beautifuI, genuine, eIectropIated siIver trophy.

It's gonna be given by our IoveIy trophy girI: Miss Daisy Duke.

How about getting possession of the trophy girI for a year? No, you.

Daisy, wiII you quit stomping on him whiIe I'm trying to.

Now I'm gonna read you the names of the drivers in reverse starting position.

Enos Strate.

Cooter Davenport.

One of the Duke boys.

And Creavy.

Who's Creavy? I ain't never heard of him.

There wasn't no Creavy on the state circuit this year.

I'm Creavy.

Amy Creavy.

PIacid County Powder-puff Division.

Hey, he's a she.

Powder-puffs? Powder-puffs don't count.

This here's a race for men.

That's why I'm here, sugar.

I just haven't quite figured out which one I aim to catch yet.

-WeIcome to Hazzard County.

-It's weII-named.

My name is Luke Duke.

You're kidding, or your mother had a cute sense of humor.

I suppose she's even got herseIf a Iady mechanic, too.

I can strip your Iug nuts, Junior.

This here's my mechanic, Francis Lee OImstead.

-Frankie, for short.

-WonderfuI.

What's the matter? You don't Iike Iady mechanics? No, I think it ranks right up there with men having babies.

You boys are in troubIe.

I saw her picture in Big Race magazine.

This Iady is a pro.

WeIcome, Iadies.

Come on and have a drink on the house.

She can race after me anytime.

The Hazzard Derby is an obstacIe course.

It ain't no race for a woman.

She won't Iast the first Iap.

To the first woman to enter the Hazzard Derby.

And it's about time.

And may the best man win.

-Right.

-Which isn't IikeIy.

I ain't gonna take no more of this.

Give up on her, Turk.

You may find the Hazzard Derby a IittIe rough.

You haven't raced against women, have you, bIue eyes? -What are you doing here, Turk? -I wouIdn't miss one of your races.

Not after teaching you everything I know.

Come on, Turk.

Not now, pIease.

Why not? This pigsty is as good a pIace as any to start over.

-Come on, Iet's taIk.

-Let go of me.

-Come on.

-FeIIa, the Iady said Iet go.

Get on, boy! That's the way.

Come on! Get up.

Try some of that tricky stuff they taught you in the Marines.

That's what he just used on me.

Damn! Come on, Luke.

You're ahead on points.

Come on! Go stop them.

Quit! I'm the Iaw, now.

Look up here.

Now quit! See here, Luke Duke.

I'm teIIing you, one day you keep messing around, and you'II see that race from behind bars.

You're good.

You did good.

Amy, I'II see you Iater, darIing.

-Hey, you were great.

-I'II get you a toweI.

I'm sorry.

-Friend of yours? -My ex-mechanic, Turk FoIey.

I fired him.

He put nitrous oxide in my engine.

-That sure soups up the horsepower.

-It sure gets you disquaIified.

AIso, he had romantic notions, which I did not.

The Racing Association has barred him as a driver for Iife.

It shouId've been Ionger.

He's aIready crippIed four drivers.

WeII, he's sure got taste in women.

-Nobody said he was aII bad.

-Dance? You want to taIk about crankshafts? Don't worry about me winning that race for you, Mr.

Hogg.

I'II bring home your bacon.

Why don't you go watch Daisy and Iust in your heart? AII right, Sheriff.

But I was trying to taper off.

If that dipstick deputy of yours don't win that race for me I'm gonna skin him aIive and have me the ugIiest throw rug in Hazzard County.

Boss, you've won that trophy for three years in a row.

Now what are you worried about? Because I thought that trophy cup was mine to keep after three wins, instead of four.

I've got to get it back, permanent.

-You can afford a dozen of those cups.

-Not Iike that one.

My mama's in that cup.

Boss, your mama is dead.

You know my wife, LuIu, hated Mama.

She took the urn of Mama's ashes and put them out in the garage.

-And what did I do? -What? I took Mama's ashes out of that urn put them in the trophy cup, and seaIed it tight.

That way I couId take Mama into the house and back on the manteIpiece with LuIu none the wiser.

You did it! It's a comfort to a man to have his mama around.

Look, Boss Enos is a heck of a good driver.

You got a reaI good chance to win.

Chance? This ain't no turkey raffIe.

I need a sure thing.

How you gonna do that? Not me.

-Not you? -No.

-Who? -You.

-Me? -Yes, you.

You're gonna make sure I get that trophy cup back permanent.

But me? Why me, Boss? Because if I hadn't married your fat sister, LuIu Mama wouIdn't be in that cup.

My mama, sitting on a bar.

And her a good Baptist.

AII I can say is, if a driver Iike Turk FoIey couId wind up being a grease monkey to a girI driver then the whoIe sport of racing is going to heII in a bucket.

Hey, I can think of worse jobs than Iooking after that sweet thing.

You gonna turn on the Iight, or do your imitation of a moIe? You're just gonna have to rough it, scout.

I don't know if you've reaIized it yet, but if Amy's been working with Turk she just may be a pretty hot driver and run your taiI right off the track.

I'm scared to death.

You know, I think I'm gonna track down that Amy -broaden that Iady's horizons.

-That poor girI.

Surprise.

-HeIIo again.

-Hi.

Cute knees.

What's GoIdiIocks doing in my bed? SIeeping, untiI you try to ravish me, Papa Bear.

-What are you guys doing in here? -WeII, it's our bedroom.

Didn't you get the note I Ieft you in the bathroom? I didn't go in there to read.

You read? They tried staying at the Hazzard MoteI, but it was fuII.

AII six rooms? AII right, boys.

Get out and get your sIeeping bags.

This ain't no broady house.

That's Uncle Jesse.

Underneath them long johns you'll find every single one of them Ten Commandments.

-Good night, Iadies.

-Thank you.

Most folks eat when they're hungry.

Boss Hogg eats when he's nervous.

And if he didn't burn it off worrying, old Boss would weigh a ton.

Good news.

I've got good news.

Listen, Boss, I soIved the probIem.

You don't have to worry about your mama no more.

Not worry? Rosco, I had a nightmare Iast night.

I saw my mama standing there Iike she was aIive.

She had that big oId switch in her hand and she toId me she was gonna whip the hide off me if anybody eIse got those ashes.

You don't have to worry about that, Boss, because I got a crasher.

Crasher? What's a crasher? That's one of those big racing terms, you know.

It means a ringer, a phony.

Some Ieadfoot you can put in there and eIiminate aII the competition and make sure that Enos wins.

Pea-brain, how can we put a crasher in when the drivers have aIready been picked? With pressure.

Any more pressure from you, and I'II have a nervous breakdown.

You're a waIking epidemic.

No, I mean pressure on the drivers.

I teII you, Boss, this time it's gonna work.

-It had better.

-It better.

Bet he was backward as a kid, too.

How's she sound? I tuned her by ear.

Try one of these next time.

Bo, why don't you head into town and get that case of oiI? Good, I gotta pick up some stuff.

You can drive me.

Just don't try anything funny.

But then anything with you wouId be funny.

-Think it wiII Iast? -A match made in heaven.

I'm curious.

You and Turk.

-You stiII saw him, even after-- -After I fired him? I think everyone deserves a second chance.

He wanted it.

But it's over.

What got you interested in cars? Being under the hood was a great way to stay out of the back seat.

Besides, it b*at the socks off twirIing a baton.

Yeah, but racing? Sure, why not? What's your big ambition? To put together the car that wins the CharIotte 500.

Yours? To be driving the car that wins the CharIotte 500.

Don't you reaIIy mean competing with men? No.

Competing with myseIf.

I can think of a Iot more feminine ways to do it.

Listen, honey, racing does not thr*aten my femininity at aII.

Now, don't you get threatened.

Lipstick's just Iike track dirt.

It washes right off.

I'II see you.

I'II be back.

Now, don't go away.

Turk, what are you doing in Amy's car? You see, in Hazzard, the competing starts way before the race does.

You're a mess.

Where's Cooter? How do I know? There were two dudes in here messing around with Amy Creavy's car and they weren't from the Ethics Committee.

-Is that so? -Yeah, that's so.

-Ain't you gonna do anything? -Yeah, I'm gonna do something about it.

I'm going to Iet you off with a warning this time, for harassing the tourists.

Rosco, they weren't no tourists.

-LocaI boys? -No, they weren't IocaI boys-- Then they were tourists, and I don't want you harassing them.

Tourists spend money.

You are a mess.

What are you doing in my car? What happened to you? Spring a Ieak? I nearIy got myseIf kiIIed, because I found Turk messing around under the hood.

Yeah? You're the one under the hood.

-Afraid we're too much competition? -No way.

I don't usuaIIy make bets with girIs, but I don't think you count.

So, in your case, I'II make an exception.

Bet you $50 you don't even finish that race.

Son, if you're gonna bet with me, make it count.

Yeah, Iike what? The cars.

Lucifer against GeneraI Lee.

Winner take aII.

The cars? -Too hot for you, chicken? -No way.

You're on.

Cooter, my boy I'd Iike for you to do me a big favor in the ObstacIe Derby on Sunday.

How wouId you Iike to be a crasher? A crasher? Boss Hogg, you got the wrong dude.

Besides, there's a woman in that race.

By any chance, do these saIutations Iook famiIiar to you? -I got a set just Iike these on my truck.

-These are them.

You have been cited for everything, from reckIess driving to stampeding HersheI Ferguson's turkeys over that cIiff.

Rosco, turkeys got wings.

I aIways thought they couId fIy.

My, you got a big probIem there, Cooter.

How are you gonna pay for aII them tickets? I'II teII you how he can pay for them.

We'II just seII his truck at the poIice auction.

A man's truck is his castIe.

Y'aII wouIdn't do that, wouId you? Looks like Boss and Rosco got old Cooter by the tickets.

What do we do now? -Wait.

-For what? You ain't gonna try to goof her car again, are you? I ain't got to.

It's aIready done.

Turk, that Duke boy saw you messing around.

He's gonna spot the throttIe jimmy you did.

That was just a decoy, just to hide what eIse I'd done.

What did you do? Turk, wait a minute.

Jesse, I need to taIk to you.

If you can't Iook me in the eye, it must be pretty bad.

What is it? -I bet something that ain't totaIIy mine.

-Like what? Like GeneraI Lee.

Now what am I gonna teII Luke? Why bother? He can't win that race anyway, if he's in jaiI.

In jaiI? What for? For kiIIing you when he finds out what you've done.

Pride makes a good servant, but a poor master.

You're risking something with Luke that's a Iot more vaIuabIe than an automobiIe.

What am I gonna do? Why don't you swaIIow some of that pride and get out of the bet? Come on, gorgeous.

Ain't there any way I can taIk you out of driving that Hazzard Derby? Afraid I'm gonna b*at you? No, I'm worried about you.

Look, Amy, I know you're a champion.

You couId probabIy b*at me on a reguIar track.

But I race against these guys every Saturday.

They're rough, and they're gonna resent you.

Luke, come on.

I've driven against drivers who pIay dirty before.

But this Hazzard race is the OIympics of dirty racing.

You'd be Iike a Dixie cup in a cattIe stampede.

I'II teII you what.

If you're worried, how about a IittIe demonstration ride? I'II show you just what the opposite sex can do.

I know what the opposite sex can do.

I just don't think a racecar is the proper pIace to do it.

Hang on, pIowboy.

Can you cook, too? Not whiIe I'm driving, sugar.

I've onIy got me two hands.

There's some dangerous road up ahead.

It's got some tricky curves to it.

Sort of Iike the ones that start about here.

Cut that out, now.

I'm onIy human.

You better back off the pedaI, babe.

We're coming up to Widowmaker Bend.

Luke, I ain't got no brakes.

Damn! Y'all stick around.

This is a real cliffhanger.

Them brakes were fine when we Ieft Jesse's.

I don't beIieve it.

Both brake Iines are fuII of pinhoIes.

Every time you stepped on the brakes, you Iost fIuid.

-Turk? -Got to be.

-Hey, you aII right? -A IittIe carsick.

I can't beIieve I aImost got us kiIIed just showing off to impress you.

You're the onIy gaI I know with miIIion-doIIar Iegs and a Ieadfoot.

Luke, Turk is crazy enough to try something again.

Want to quit? What's ''quit'' mean? This is crazy.

I want you to quit, but I'm proud that you won't.

WeII, do you hike as weII as you drive? Wait a minute.

What's your hurry? And after aII the troubIe I went to to get you stranded here aIone.

You are gonna be a crasher for Boss? I ain't got no choice.

Rosco is gonna seII my truck to pay off my tickets.

Or, if not, he's gonna put me under the jaiI.

You ain't mad? Boss has sure outfoxed himseIf this time.

Cooter, you're gonna put on a phony show for him.

-I am? -Yeah.

You see, now that we know about it you and Luke can just bump each other once in a whiIe and the Boss wiII think you're running a dishonest race and doing your job.

I wish we couId handIe Turk that easiIy.

Don't worry about it.

We wiII when we find him.

Find Turk? You don't find Turk.

Turk finds you.

Hey, good to see you.

Hey, sweet cakes, seeing how you're practicaIIy aIone how'd you Iike to rub tummies with me to the music? Buzz off, Ledbottom.

She's mine.

That means you'II be finished with her by tomorrow? Hey, can I taIk to you for a minute? -Now what? -You couId Iisten to me, for starters.

Look, I've been thinking.

I admire a man who ain't afraid to try new things.

Frankie, I'm trying to teII you that I don't think it'd be fair for us to take advantage of you when you're down on your Iuck.

-So the bet's off, okay? -The bet's on.

The brakes were fixed before supper.

Thanks for offering.

Hey, you got a quarter? -Hey, Bo, what's cooking, buddy? -Goose.

And it's mine.

-What's on your mind? -It shows? I think I've made up my mind, I mean, at Ieast partIy.

-I don't quite know how to say this.

-Go ahead.

You're doing terribIy.

Yeah, you're right.

Look, I want us to be together.

Honey, we are together.

Come on, you know what I mean.

I mean, Iike more serious.

-ExcIusive? -Sort of.

Of course, there'd be a certain adjustment probIem.

What adjustment? Nothing much.

Just that I need a certain amount of freedom.

You know how men are.

And you think women aren't Iike that? I don't think they shouId be.

I'II bet in Hazzard you put chastity beIts on women, bind their feet and make them shuffIe ten paces behind.

No, we don't bind their feet no more.

It'd sIow them down picking cotton.

That's cute.

AII right, Iet me get this straight.

You don't want me to see anyone whiIe you chase after anybody you Iike? But Iike ain't Iove.

What's important is that you're my woman.

Liking these other girIs don't mean a thing.

-Where you going? -I'II teII you what.

When you want a whoIe Iot of woman, instead of a whoIe Iot of girIs I'II be with that hunk over there, rubbing tummies.

But, of course, it don't mean a thing.

Luke, I just saw Amy Ieaving with Ernie Ledbetter.

I guess that's her business, ain't it? What's that thing for? To put out smoIdering butts.

Care to sit on it? Now, Iisten, I'd Iove to continue this cuIturaI exchange but I have more important things to do.

Like what? Give me that! -Give me a kiss and I'II give it back.

-I'II give you a mouthfuI of Ioose teeth.

Give me that.

Good grief! Rosco, do something.

They're tossing around my mama.

Now, you quit that! You boys quit that! Quit it, now.

Did your mama smoke? For a feIIow that's gotta drive tomorrow, you're up kind of Iate, ain't you? Can't sIeep.

You want to taIk about it? It's Amy.

What about her? She's different.

Luke, I expIained that difference to you years ago.

She's so sure of herseIf.

She drives Iike a man.

She taIks to me Iike a friend.

Jesse, I ain't never feIt so much for anyone before.

Did you teII her that? Yeah, I toId her that tonight at the Boars Nest.

-What happened? -She Ieft with Ernie Ledbetter.

Sit down.

Luke, I've been watching you.

When it comes to women you got about as much sensitivity as a buzz saw.

I am sensitive.

I picked her, didn't I? Do you know what you want? I want her to stay around.

You thinking about marrying her? Not exactIy.

Why rush into something Iike that? Women don't Iike waiting around.

HeII, tonight she didn't wait for nothing.

After she Ieft with that turnip-brain I went out Iooking for her.

Jesse, I ain't never went Iooking for a woman before.

They aIways come Iooking for me.

Did you ever have a woman get at you Iike that? Yeah, once.

I married her.

Good night.

I want to taIk to you.

-I don't want to taIk to you.

-Where have you been aII night? -Why? -Because you mean something to me.

I've been sitting here thinking about you aII night.

Didn't you say you thought everybody deserves a second chance? AII right, Luke.

I'II Iisten to you.

This ain't easy for me.

I even taIked to UncIe Jesse about you.

And? And it's never been Iike this with anyone before.

AII right.

It's hard to change the habits of a Iifetime.

WeII, if chasing other women upsets you I'm wiIIing to make a sacrifice.

There's something about you, pIowboy.

Damn it! I'II faiI.

-What? -I'II faiI.

And I hate faiIing.

What? Look, I want you.

I don't want anybody eIse to have you.

But I'm afraid I ain't gonna be abIe to keep up my end of the deaI.

You thick-skinned, cIodhopping oId boII weeviI! And to think I aImost feII for that.

Amy, wait! I can't beIieve it.

He did it to me again.

Did you teII him that you reaIIy spent the night in the car? No, I didn't, and he ain't gonna find out.

How couId I think I was gonna change him? He don't know anything about women.

-It must run in the famiIy.

-Why do you say that? Because, after this race, we're gonna be a two-car team.

Bo put up GeneraI Lee against Lucifer.

-You're kidding.

-WouId I Iie to a sister? One thing's for sure.

ln a race filled with jackals and coyotes a pretty chick is gonna need more than just brains to survive.

Especially when there's a vulture out there someplace just waiting to pick the bones clean.

Unless a body wanted to wind up in the hospital with half a ton of auto parts dug out of his hide he'd do well to stay off the streets during the Hazzard Derby.

And since the Boars Nest was the cultural center of the county it seemed fitting to start and end the race there.

That way folks could begin the victory celebration just as soon as the starting celebration kind of d*ed down.

You think I shouId bIeed these brakes again? If you don't reIax, the onIy thing that's gonna do any bIeeding is your nose.

What's the matter with you, anyway? You're as nervous as a Iong-taiIed cat in a room fuII of rocking chairs.

Don't worry about me.

You just concentrate on winning, aII right? How're you gonna Iike GeneraI Lee painted pink? What's she mean by that? Who knows what a Iady mechanic means anyway, right? I've been dying to ask.

Did you have any probIems getting Ernie to bring you home Iast night? No probIem.

You kidding me? I just toId him I wasn't over this case of the mumps I had.

Honey, he b*at every track record in the South just getting me home.

You ready? We're depending on you to make sure that Enos wins and that girI Ioses.

Or you are out of a job.

And you'II be in jaiI.

Besides, my mama is counting on you.

-Boss, your mama is dead.

-That don't matter.

She's stiII counting on you.

Okay, everybody, Derby time! Good Iuck to you aII! The Hazzard Derby may be the only race in the world where you fight for the best position to get clobbered.

Now, the reason this racecourse was so treacherous is because the obstacles kept changing.

That way nobody never knew what was waiting on them.

No spectators were allowed.

That way they couldn't signal the drivers on what might be coming up.

So, naturally, some folk did a little cheating.

I can hear them coming.

Luke's in front.

Enos is last.

-Luke's in front and Enos is Iast.

-I ain't deaf.

Just dumb.

Dumb to reIy on you.

It's Luke.

No, Amy's in front, Enos and Cooter's last.

-He said-- -Shut up! I heard him.

Cooter wiped Enos out! -What's that idiot doing? -Don't ask me.

He's your idiot! The deviI! That jackass Cooter knocked our car out of the race! You idiot! How are we gonna win the race with you wrecking.

What are you doing here? Rosco, I want to report a stoIen car.

You can't miss it.

It's green and yeIIow.

It's got a big 99 painted on the side.

I know what the car Iooks Iike.

What are you doing here? Cooter, what are you doing here? I was taking one Iast Iook at my engine.

Somebody stuck a t*nk of nitrous oxide in there and.

The Iights went out in Georgia.

-Who wouId do that? -Turk.

And Amy thinks he's Cooter.

lt was the final run to the Boars Nest and old Turk was coming up behind with blood in his eye.

Luke and Amy didn't suspect a thing.

-You aII right, Turk? -No, I d*ed! Arrest that man, whoever he is! Okay, everybody, beer's on the house! HoIy charity.

She's got you, Mama.

Okay, hotshot Iet's have the keys.

-Give her the keys to GeneraI Lee.

-What for? I put him up in the race against Lucifer.

-He beIongs to them.

-You did what? I didn't know you were gonna Iet her win.

Let me win? What're you taIking about? I'm not gonna put you in jaiI.

I'm gonna put you under it! Listen, I'm not kidding.

Now, come on.

-I didn't do nothing.

-Just waIk.

It was Turk, wasn't it? Luke, nobody Iets me win.

You weren't even gonna say anything, were you? You might have won anyway.

-Bye.

-Where are you going? I got to Ioad up Lucifer.

We got a race in Hickory tomorrow.

Why don't you keep this for me? Maybe next time I'II just come back and win it fair and square.

Maybe next time I won't Iet you.

We got it.

Come on.

I hope you keep that cup in a warm, dry pIace.

That's the legend of how a little old girl won the Hazzard Derby.

And how Mama Hogg went to stay with the Dukes for a spell unbeknownst to them, of course.