01x09 - The Artful Dodger

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

Here you go, judge.

Thank you, Klawicki.

What the hell is this?

Something new. I call it Chicken Klawicki. You'll love it.

I ordered meat loaf.

I couldn't get it away from the cat.

Klawicki, why do I bother ordering from you?

You only bring me what you want me to eat.

I don't take care of you, judge?

You're my favorite customer.

I'm the only customer who can raise your rent.

That has nothing to do with it.

I like you 'cause you're fun.

You take one bite of my Chicken Klawicki,

you don't love it, it's on the house.

So? How is it?

It's free.

Boy, do I love English.

I am doing so great in English.

You want a sentence diagrammed?

You want a verb conjugated? Sign this.

I'm reading epic poetry.

I'm reading classic literature.

I'm positive I'm gonna get an A in English.

That'll come in handy, Nicole.

Yeah, English is one of the top five languages in this town.

Hey, Nick, Nick.

Hey, I'm glad you're so excited about school,

but I don't want you to feel pressured

to get an A in everything.

The important thing is you enjoy

what you learning or you won't remember it.

That's very good advice, Joe.

Thank you.

Now change your mind completely.

JOEY: Why?

"Deficiency notice.

"Your child has not participated in a class assignment

"and has received a failing grade.

Boy, this takes me back.

[♪♪♪]

NICOLE: This is me, Nicole Bradford. Cute, huh?

This is my Dad. And is my Dad.

How'd I get two dads? They inherited me.

Congratulations. It's a girl.

Here's the judge who brought us together.

She lives in our building. My building. I own it.

NICOLE: She's gonna make sure we're one big happy family,

with one dad who's down-to-earth,

and one dad with his head in the clouds.

I-- I think we're father of the year.

♪ You can count on me No matter what you do ♪

♪ You can count on me No matter where you go ♪

♪ I'm standing by your side I'll be right behind ♪

♪ No one loves you More than I do ♪

♪ Put your hand in mine ♪

♪ You can count on me No matter what you do ♪

♪ You can count on me No matter where you go ♪

♪ You can count on me ♪

[♪♪♪]

You're getting an F? You're failing something?

Nicole, do better.

Oh, that's your advice, "do better"?

I will. That's your answer, "I will"?

"Do better." "I will."

Michael, she got an A in English,

got an F in something else.

She broke even. That's a good day.

Maybe at the track, Joe.

Maybe if we aspired to send her to Trifecta Tech.

Honey, you can't just do well in English.

Every subject's important.

You have to do well in every subject.

Now which one are you failing?

Art.

Art. Honey.

Do better.

You're failing art? How can you fail art?

Did you use too much yellow on something?

Hey, you can't even grade art.

I mean, art is something you look at

and maybe you like it, maybe you don't.

Who is this Ms. Spielhaus?

I don't like her name. How do you like that?

I don't like her signature. I don't like this whole letter.

I don't think I like her whole attitude.

So you know what you oughta do?

Take this back to Ms. Spielhaus,

and you tell her it's a collage.

Nicole. Get the stun g*n.

I want to see your assignment.

I want to see art so bad it got an F.

I call it Before Awareness.

What do you think?

I just see paper here.

What, did the art slide off?

Why do I have to draw something for it to be art?

I've read your modern art books.

They say that modern art is conceptual.

I've read about Steven Butler Garrison.

Hey, she's got a point, Michael.

Hey, Steven Butler Garrison once did a series

of blank canvases called The Cave Paintings.

He said they were borne of an emotional emptiness

that was brought about by a lifetime of painting

what other people wanted him to paint.

So you know what he did?

He took his 10 million dollar estate,

gave it to charity, and he lived the rest of his life in a cave.

What a yutz.

Wrong.

Not all art is a bowl of fruit.

Look at this. Come on.

Before Awareness. That's brilliant.

That is truly brilliant.

You're saying Nicole's blank piece of paper is brilliant?

Yes. Yes, he is. Tell him why. Go, Dad.

Hey, Before Awareness. I mean, this means

that there's more to it than just art.

It's pre-art.

It's the moment just before inspiration.

It's not something we all see.

Well, who can see it, Joe? Dogs?

Hey, Michael. It's metaphysical.

That's very nice.

Unfortunately, she's not being graded by Baba Ram Dass.

They won't let you back in class until you have this

signed by at least one father.

Yeah. Well, this father is going down to your class,

and I'm gonna have an artistic discussion

with this Spielhaus. BOTH: No.

What are you going to do? Tell this woman her business?

It's my business. Art's what I do for a living.

Come on. I mean, a teacher

doesn't expect genius from a student.

That's why she doesn't recognize what's not on this paper.

Dad. Please don't go in.

If you go in and make a big scene,

she'll probably be very nice to you

and then make my life miserable.

And she's tight with my English teacher.

She'll tell her not to give me an A.

She'll tell her to make me read Beowulf.

Joe, and I mean nothing by that.

Don't you think that your talking

to Nicole's teacher is not really exploiting

our unique relationship here.

School is not your best environment.

So? So...

So I'll talk to Nicole's teacher.

School's always been a good field for me,

and you can carry the ball when Nicole's got a problem

in a field that's good for you.

Which would be what? How the hell do I know?

Oh, so you're saying I can't handle this and you can?

You want me to be honest or you want me to be conceptual?

'Cause either way my head shakes in the same direction.

Michael, I stand behind my daughter's creative vision.

Art is based on imagination, and I don't want her

being taught by someone who doesn't have any.

Now let's see how I handle this.

Hey, don't worry.

There are so many other fine schools.

[♪♪♪]

Joey Harris. Nicole Bradford's father.

Professional artist.

So when my daughter comes home with an assignment

that I consider conceptual, it bothers me just a little bit

when a teacher that is supposed to be encouraging creativity,

steps all over it.

Let me tell you something.

Anybody who can give imagination like that an F

clearly shows me that you know nothing about art.

Nothing at all. Less than nothing.

Please don't hit me.

Mr. Harris, I have to agree with you.

I know nothing about art.

I'm Nicole's English teacher.

I'm just here to leave this note for Ms. Spielhaus.

You know, Nicole's favorite subject's English.

She talks about you all the time, Miss, uh...

Please don't make her read Beowulf.

May I help you?

I'm Karen Spielhaus.

You're flunking my daughter, Spielhaus.

You're Nicole's father.

Joey Harris...

How would you know that unless Nicole

is the only daughter you're flunking?

She's the only daughter who bluffed

through an art assignment.

Aw, come on. What are you talking about?

I'm an artist. I know she took a creative risk.

Look at this.

Hey, it's conceptual.

The concepts she needs to learn, are color, form and perspective.

So I'd say we have nothing left to talk about.

I can see I'm not going to change your mind.

I'm afraid not.

Well, then let's get off your mind.

You know, I don't get how someone like you

with eyes like those can be blind to this masterpiece.

You're dating my teacher? You're dating my teacher?

You're dating my teacher? You can't date my teacher.

Teachers aren't for dating.

She'll grade you, Dad. She'll grade everything you do.

Order the wrong wine, D-minus.

If you spill something on the table,

she'll make you stay after dinner.

Nick, I'm not dating your teacher.

It's a meeting, okay? It's harmless, innocent.

You flossed.

Michael, Joey flossed.

Well, sure. It's November.

Hey, I'm just trying to get her out of this F.

And it doesn't hurt to have a dashing smile.

Who are you dashing, Joe?

My teacher. They'll hit it off.

They'll go steady. They'll get engaged.

Then when she calls on me in class,

it won't be "Nicole, where's your assignment?"

It'll be, "Honeybun, did you wash your face this morning?"

In front of all my friends.

Jeez, why don't you just leave me in the woods?

So this is the way you're handling Nicole's teacher?

Hey, I haven't begun to handle Nicole's teacher.

The thing you gotta decide is whether you trust me or not.

Not.

[♪♪♪]

Where is he?

If they were just going out to talk, they would be home by now.

What are they talking about?

You, Nicole.

I could go on all night too.

You're very sweet.

I don't want them talking about me.

I don't want them together.

Honey, why is this bothering you so much?

They're together as parent and teacher.

You're a good student. You got nothing to worry about. Do you?

No.

You don't want to get an F, right?

I don't want Joey talking to my teacher about me.

Why not? She can't lower your grade.

I don't care about the grade.

Michael, they're right downstairs at Klawicki's.

Couldn't you just go down and see what's going on.

Please?

Don't give me the puppy face, Nicole.

The puppy face doesn't work with me.

[WHINES]

[GROANS]

Stay.

Hello. Oh, hi.

So how'd it go? Everything's handled.

It's a good thing I took care of it,

you'd have been out of your league.

So it's all over?

I'd say there's nothing left to talk about.

I just wanted to return your jacket.

Which I could have given to Nicole,

but that would have denied me the opportunity

of throwing it in your face.

So she still got an F?

Only if she's lucky.

[♪♪♪]

Well?

Joey has something he wants to tell you.

We had artistic differences.

So that's it? It's all over?

Yeah. I'm sorry, Nick.

Oh, that's okay. You tried.

I'm no worse off than I was before,

and now I can just go on with my life.

Well, she's taking it fine.

A little too fine.

If she doesn't care about her grade, I do.

Now, what happened?

Hey, we didn't hit it off, okay?

You weren't supposed to hit it off,

you were supposed to talk to her about art.

Oh, I talked to her about art.

Then she talked to about art like she knew something.

She knows something for a living.

No, she doesn't.

She kept going on about color, and style and perspective.

Everything by the numbers. She should be talking about passion

and imagination, which she has none of either.

Which is why she's not an artist, she's a teacher,

which is why they say what they say,

Oh, no. Those who can't do, teach.

Joe, did you say what they say?

Only once.

You know what happened?

Yeah.

I should've gone down there and talked to this woman.

Hey, she's not a woman, Michael.

She had me fooled.

She looked like a woman, she smelled like a woman,

but scrape away that thin veneer of woman,

you know what you've got underneath?

Teacher.

Joe. Did you scrape her thin veneer?

She's got no soul. She's not human. I'm tellin' ya.

She's the undead.

Know what we've got to do?

We've got to find the desk she sleeps in,

we've got to drive a ruler through her heart.

Interesting theory, Joe.

I just don't happen to see Nicole's art teacher

as a bloodsucking creature of the night. Call me crazy.

But here's what I'll do. I'll go see her in the daytime.

I'll open the venetian blinds,

and if she turns to dust, is my face red.

Wear a turtleneck.

Ms. Spielhaus?

Yes? I'm Michael Taylor,

Nicole Bradford's father.

Ah. The other one.

The normal one.

Here's hoping.

And I hope that Joey's method of approach didn't do anything

to further damage Nicole's standing in your class.

Nicole put a clever title on a blank piece of paper.

Whatever her reasons, she shirked an assignment,

and I don't like that, Mr. Taylor.

Neither do I.

But I just don't like my daughter to get an F.

Even if it's in art.

Excuse me?

Especially if it's in art. Art being so important.

Because without art, there'd be no more painting,

and we wouldn't know how big to make sofas.

That's a very novel view of art.

And certainly less expl*sive than Mr. Harris' view.

Oh, yeah, Joey and I have different views on art

and school and everything else that exists in this world.

Well, then how did you two end up as Nicole's guardians?

Well, we fell in love with the same woman.

Thirteen years ago.

Marcy Bradford.

Joey and I being so different,

there was something in each of us that she loved.

And when she d*ed, she left Nicole to Joey and to me.

She didn't know who the real father was?

Oh, no, I'm the real father. She just wanted to give Joey

something to do.

No, actually, we're not sure.

We just each have our definite opinions.

Like about art which Joey seems to think this is.

I am what Joey calls an aesthetic vacuum.

I mean, I think this is blank.

That's why I had to give it an F.

And I'm sure you think you're right.

I wish I had thought to bring

Nicole's last report card with me--

Oh, wait a second. I did.

I brought it 'cause I knew I'd be in school

and there'd be somebody here who could explain

this column of letters next to all her other subjects,

which when sounded out seem to form the word:

"A-ABBA-ABBA-A."

Do you really want to be the one to change

this wonderful report card and make this last word become:

"ABBA-BABBA-FUF"?

Mr. Taylor, I don't like giving "fuf's."

I'm not a monster.

That's been my position all along.

How about, she gives you another picture,

you give her another grade?

That's been my offer from the beginning.

What?

Maybe you'll have better luck than I did.

You gave her a chance to redo the assignment?

Several times.

And she refused?

Several times.

It was as if she demanded the F.

[♪♪♪]

I've never seen Nicole like this.

Nah, don't worry, she's a kid.

She's going to be like that a lot.

Then she'll grow up, and she won't be.

You know, what's great about you, Klawicki?

You played professional football,

you run a diner that's open all night,

and still you find time to know nothing about kids.

I try to keep busy.

Here's your milkshake.

It's not my milkshake, Klawicki.

I ordered it for the kid.

Don't you get that you bring it to the kid,

she looks at it, she smiles,

you tell her it's from me, she knows she's loved.

Gotcha.

Here ya go, kid.

Enjoy.

That's so sweet.

You made this for me, Mr. Klawicki?

Yeah.

Hey.

These are for you.

Don't be mad at me.

I'm not mad at you.

You're not looking at me.

I can be happy with you without looking.

You were right, Nick.

I didn't have a meeting with your teacher. I had a date.

It was a bad date. A date that will live in infamy.

I don't want you seeing my art teacher anymore.

I don't think that's gonna be a problem.

But you know, I'm your father.

When you have trouble down at school,

I should be allowed to go talk to your teacher.

Fine. Just not that teacher.

Why?

Hi, Nicole, I was just down at school.

What? How could you go down there after what happened?

Sit down.

Now listen up, because most of this is good news.

Ms. Spielhaus has agreed to allow you

to redo the art assignment.

Isn't that great?

Spielhaus talked to you?

Yeah, she talked to me, and I listened.

I listened to her tell me that she gave

the same chance to Nicole three times before.

But-- But it's conceptual. You understand it.

Why should I have to redo it?

Okay, Nick, but that one's done.

You did one for me, now do one for Ms. Spielhaus,

get an A, and let's eat.

No.

Why not? Just no.

I'm doing great in everything else.

So why not art?

Nicole, I'll help you.

You hold the pen, and I'll move the paper underneath it.

Nice arm.

Before Awareness...

Before awareness of what?

Why is she handing in blank pieces of paper?

Maybe she can't draw.

So? I can't draw either.

Does she think she's going to disappoint me?

If she thinks she's gonna disappoint anybody,

it's probably me.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

She never cared about the grade.

She only cared about you talking to her teacher

So?

She only cared about you finding out

that the teacher gave her

another chance to draw a picture.

And she would rather fail the course

than draw a picture. So?

So Joe...

how crazy is it for a 12-year-old girl

with two fathers to believe that if she can't draw

and drawing is what one of her fathers does best,

then maybe she's not his daughter?

That's completely crazy.

What are you standing here for?

Dad, I can't draw.

[♪♪♪]

Hey...

Hey...

Hey, I only have one father.

And he's a plumber, right?

Uh-huh.

You know, a lot of times,

you know, my father, he'd need a permit for a job

so he'd have to draw a diagram.

And he'd sit down at the kitchen table

with his paper and his pencil,

and he'd be trying and trying and trying...

and after a couple of hours, I'd hear him say,

"Hey Joey, come down here.

You're the artist, you do this for me.

I can't draw."

Your father can't draw?

You don't always inherit talent.

That's true, Nicole.

You know, Leonardo Da Vinci had this son, Bob.

You ever hear of him?

No.

See?

I want you both to be my father.

I don't ever want to find out that one of you isn't my father.

Well, neither do we.

It wouldn't matter anyway.

Hey, we're a family.

Hey, guys, what do you think?

That's pretty good, huh?

Terrible.

Really?

Yeah. That's really awful.

I mean, I can draw better than that.

You can? She can draw better than me?

Yeah, but she can't draw better than me.

So-so you're saying somewhere in the middle?

Somewhere in the middle.

[♪♪♪]

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