03x09 - Pop, the Question

[bunniefuu]

Oh, here are two friends of mine.

I'm sure I can get them to sit at the same table.

Oh, boys...

No way I'm sittin' at the same table

as that whiny little weenie.

Weenie?

I'm not sittin' at a table with Zippy the Pinhead.

Zippy? Hey, don't look at me.

I don't wanna talk about it. I got nothin' to say.

In two-and-a-half years, that guy has been livin' in my place,

tellin' me how to raise my daughter,

tellin' me how to live my life.

Well, I've had it, all right?

That's it. No more.

Like that's what I really want, right?

I, I wanna be livin' in your place.

Like I wanna... That's my goal in life,

to be near you.

Like I really want my daughter to be influenced by you

and your no-job, unemployed, outta work,

communist, no-job attitude? ♪♪ Short people got no reason

Oh, that's good. ♪♪ Short people got no reason to live

That's a very clever response. ♪♪ They got little heads

Oh, aren't you clever? ♪♪ They got little ears

Oh, that's great.

♪♪ They got little voices that go peep, peep, peep ♪♪

Oh, that's, that's really great.

You're very classy. Take, take a cheap sh*t

at somebody else's physical limitations. Yeah, yeah.

You brainless hunk of mung.

Gee.

I think Mr. Mean bit those boys on the butt this morning.

Maybe you ought to do something, Judge. (CHUCKLES)

Like when me and my brother used to fight,

whoa, my daddy was good at stoppin' it.

What'd he do?

He'd grab us by our ears and slam our heads together.

Boom!

Did it work?

That part of my life's very hazy.

Are they still at it?

Boys, your daughter's here.

Happy up.

What's the matter, sweetie?

They have been fighting day and night all week.

What are they fighting about?

Anything they can think of.

Let me have two poached eggs. Wuss.

You think it's time for a little Judge-ly guidance?

Yes. Please.

Give me that pie.

Pie? Oh, that... That's a good idea.

Pie for breakfast.

Wait. Why don't you bring him some gummy bears, too?

Oh, wait. Now you got a problem with

what I eat for breakfast, too?

Oh, no, I got no problem.

Why don't you just eat your way up the food chain, babe?

That's it. Okay, boys.

The way I see it,

you got two choices.

Number one, you deal with me.

We'll take door number two.

JOEY: It's your fault that we're here.

MICHAEL: My fault? You pied the Judge,

you communist, work stealing, Judge-pieing...

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter what you do

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter where you go

♪♪ I'm standing by your side

♪♪ I'll be right behind

♪♪ No one loves you more than I do

♪♪ Put your hand in mine

♪♪ I can see a part of me in you

♪♪ A little something special that comes shining through

♪♪ I hear it in your laughter

♪♪ And I feel it when you cry

♪♪ I will be right there for you

♪♪ Until the day I die

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter what you do

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter where you go

♪♪ You can count on me ♪♪

Frankly, Dr. Weber, I don't even know what we're doin' here.

You're a marriage counselor.

We are no way like married people.

Describe your relationship to me.

We live together, we raise a child, we fight like hell.

So, what, every Thursday then?

I'm gonna start by asking you some personal questions.

Wait. Wait. How personal?

Hey, what's the matter, Michael?

What, you afraid you might not be able

to answer the tough questions, huh?

(LAUGHS) He's afraid. I'm not.

Ask me anything.

Are you gay?

Huh?

You're two men living together.

I think it's a pertinent question.

Are you gay?

I'm not.

Michael?

(CHUCKLES) I'm sorry.

You know, it's interesting. Joey has that same dress.

Hey, take that back!

I can't take it back. You already wore it, babe.

Hey, Michael, she's writin' that down.

No. We're not gay. We're not gay.

We're two heterosexual males.

Who like... Like women.

Write that down.

Okay, guys.

Why don't we talk about the problems that brought you here?

You know how it started? To tell you the truth...

Hey, why is it that you always have to talk first?

Why do you interrupt? I start talkin' and you interrupt.

Why do you interrupt? 'Cause you don't talk.

You yak. Oh, I yak.

You flap. You know that? Your lips flap.

Your lips flap. Hey, I'd rather flap than yak.

Yeah, you flap, flap. Just flap, flap, flap,

flap, flap, flap... Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak...

Are you listenin' to this?

Well, at least this therapy thing will get my dads talking, huh?

Therapy was the best thing in the world for my parents.

They found out all about each other.

Your parents are divorced.

They didn't like what they found.

Well, you know, Nicole, my parents are divorced, too.

And, and I look at your dads and I see all the signs.

What signs?

Well, for instance, first they stop speaking.

And then, uh... And before you know it,

they'll be in separate bedrooms, dating other people.

Never seen them fight this much.

You should've heard 'em last night.

Michael worked late, and I was studying when he walked in.

Except he thought I was waiting up for him.

Well, well, well, well.

Isn't this nice?

I come home after working 17 hours

and my sweet daughter is waiting up for me.

I'm almost done.

It's 11:30.

How much homework did they give you?

Hey, wait, you're not even finished.

You're just startin' your homework now?

I went to a movie. It's okay.

You went to a movie on a school night?

Joe... You guys aren't gonna fight now, are you?

Joe, you wanna get up, please?

I know it's a small car, but we could try.

Hey!

You wanna tell me why is my daughter

just starting her homework at 11:30, huh?

Guys, this isn't worth fighting about.

And since when, when does she go to a movie on a school night, huh?

Hey, it's The Wizard of Oz, Michael, okay?

It was a limited showing.

70 millimeter, Dolby sound,

footage never seen before, and it was the last night.

And you just let her go?

I took her.

Oh. Right. So we write a note to the teacher.

And what are you gonna say?

Would you please excuse Nicole's

tired, lousy 11:30 homework because I took her to the movies?

All right, now, you want to write my notes for me, too?

MICHAEL: (STUTTERING) Nicole, sweetheart,

why don't you study in your room for a while, huh?

So then I went to my room and I shut my door

but I could still hear them yelling.

Well, at least now there's a place

where they can talk it out sensibly and rationally.

I hate you I hate you.

Gentlemen, stop.

Now, release.

We're going to have to work through this anger.

Now, what do you think first triggered this?

You want to know the truth? That!

(STUTTERS) I happen to exist. My fault.

I'll tell you what happened last night.

He's not gonna tell you what happened.

He's going to give you some biased, communist, dress-wearing...

It all started when Michael came home, and Nicole and I were sittin' on the couch.

So, you see, Nicole,

one-half the width of x would naturally equal

the perimeter of quadrangle b.

Of course.

Well, that's enough for tonight, sweetheart.

I'll teach you the rest in the morning.

Thanks, Dad.

Thanks for everything you've done for me my entire life.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Night, Milton.

Michael.

Loosen up.

My daughter is never allowed

to see another movie ever again. You got that?

No questions. That's final.

What I say goes!

Michael, The Wizard of Oz is a wonderful, magical part of our childhood.

Now, homework she gets every night.

Now, my daughter is a good student.

I have seen to that.

She has earned the right to see a classic movie

like The Wizard of Oz in a theater.

The Wizard of Oz is about a vicious little girl

who steals shoes off dead women!

What are you tryin' to say, Michael?

School night. School night.

School! School! School! School! School! School!

School!

The point? School!

Tough day, chum? Look, just...

Just stop ruining my daughter's life, okay?

Stick to my rules!

My daughter, my rules!

Please, Monty, do you have to yell at my daddy?

Michael! Michael!

(IMITATING MICHAEL) Michael. Michael.

Michael. Go! Do homework!

Do homework! You should be glad you have homework.

You know there are children in Europe who have no homework?

MICHAEL: Wait a minute.

That is not at all how any of this happened.

Okay, Michael, why don't you give us your point of view?

All right. Here is what happened.

No exaggeration.

Joey, every family has to have a structure.

And within that structure there have to be rules, you know?

And one of the rules in this family

is that Nicole does not go out on a school night.

Especially if there's an assignment due.

Don't you agree?

I know you don't want to hear this.

But I have to think of what's best

for my daughter, you know?

And, look, if you give it just a little thought,

I'm sure you'll come to see it my way.

Yes, I know. It hurts to think.

Well, (SIGHS) I'm going to sleep.

Good night, sweetie. Good night, Dad.

Don't forget to fill Joey's dish.

Good night, Joey.

JOEY: All right, Michael. Just stop right there.

That's not what happened at all.

I'm just tellin' it the way I see it, Joey.

Yeah? Well, I'd like to know the way the doctor sees it.

Well, I can tell you what I'm hearing.

What I'm hearing is, "my daughter," "my child."

"Ever since I got Nicole."

"He's a bad influence on my kid."

So? What are you saying?

So, obviously, each of you feels

that you are the true and only father.

And therefore, resent the other thinking

that he has an equal right to parent your child.

Well, that can't be resolved.

Yeah, the blood test was inconclusive.

Well, the DNA test is completely accurate now.

That would prove conclusively who the father is.

It would?

Hey, listen, you don't want people looking at your DNA, Joe?

They'll proclaim you a fungus.

Oh, yeah. Well, I'm ready to take the test right now.

Michael, Joey.

It is not my recommendation that you take this test.

In fact, if your goal is to hold your family together...

Now, I want to know who the real father is.

You want to do this?

Yeah, I want to do this.

You got it.

All right, gentlemen. It's been a week since I last saw you.

How did Nicole accept the news

that you wanted to find out who the biological father is?

Oh, she was just as happy as a clam.

Yeah. She reacted just like we bought her a pony...

And sh*t it.

No. No. Nick, we want to get a blood test.

Honey, why don't you just... No!

Our family is doing fine just the way it is.

Why do you want to go and ruin everything?

Will you sit down, please?

I don't want to sit down.

Honey, ever since we got you,

we have tried to make you comfortable

with the fact that you have two fathers.

I'm comfortable.

Yeah. But Michael and I aren't comfortable anymore.

We want to know which one of us is your real father.

We're two different people. Both!

We want to know.

What happens when you find out?

Okay, Joey, suppose you're my father.

Do you expect me not to love Michael anymore?

"Yeah. Okay, Michael, pack up and leave.

"Thank you for taking care of me all this time.

"How much do I owe you?"

Honey, you're being silly. No!

You're being silly.

Do you think a blood test means anything?

So what, Michael?

So you're my father.

"Okay, Joey, pack up and get out!

"How could I have been so stupid

"as to love you when he was my father?

"How could I have been so stupid

"as to love you when he was my father?"

I'm being silly?

How can you do this?

Dads...

I was passing by and I heard crying,

which leads me to ask quietly and sensitively...

What the hell's going on in here?

Judge, they want to take blood out of my arm

for their stupid voodoo father test.

(SNIFFLES)

Change their minds.

I can't do that.

Why not?

Because this is what they want to do, Nicole.

Surprised it didn't happen sooner.

If I try to change their minds,

it'll only come up again,

till they find out who your father is.

That's what they want.

(VOICE BREAKING) You're gonna let my family break up?

We just reached a point where we felt we had to take the test.

It was the hardest thing we've ever done.

And we'll be getting the results any day.

I see.

Joey, do you want to tell me your version of that story?

No.

No, Michael told it exactly the way it was.

Here. I signed for this.

It's your test results from the lab.

Bye. Wait. Where are you going?

Don't you want to stick around, find out what it says?

I know what it says.

You looked? No.

Well, how do you know?

I'm Karnak.

You're both jerks.

I put this family together.

Why would I stick around and watch it fall apart?

Have a nice day.

Well, here it is, Joe.

Yeah. Moment of truth.

Yeah. Guess our whole future

is in this envelope, huh?

You realize, of course, that once we open this,

one of us has a daughter and the other one doesn't.

What, are you afraid, Michael?

No, I'm not afraid. Yeah.

All right. (CLEARS THROAT)

Nicole's real father is...

Not me.

"Michael Taylor and Nicole Bradford, negative genetic match."

Sorry, Mike.

God.

Gee, I feel, uh, more terrible for you

than, uh, I feel, uh, good for me.

How come if that says I'm not her father,

how come I don't love her any less now?

Look, I, I'll try and be outta here by tonight.

I'll go with you.

What are you talkin' about?

"Joseph Harris, Nicole Bradford, negative genetic match."

We're both not Nicole's father?

We gotta get rid of these papers.

Yeah. Then we both lose Nicole.

That's, that's no good.

Listen, if you repeat this, I swear I'll deny it.

But, as long as I couldn't be the father,

I truly would not be comfortable

with anybody raisin' Nicole but you.

Hey, thanks, Mike.

You're welcome. Thanks.

(STAMMERING) Didn't you have certain things you wanted to say to me?

Yeah.

We got to get rid of these papers.

I'm touched, you rat weasel.

(LAUGHS)

All right. All right. Come on, here's what happened.

We were cookin'. Right? We were cookin', uh, a nice chicken.

And, uh, the papers fell in and they, they b*rned up.

It happens all the time, right?

Happens all the time. You can't stop it. You can't stop it.

We... Anybody asks, we never saw these results.

We just keep Nicole, we stay together, we fight like hell, huh?

(CHUCKLES) Life is good.

I'll get a chicken.

(LAUGHS)

I'll light the oven.

Hey, Mike, here's what I wanna tell you.

All right?

Uh...

Let's face it. We're two different people, right? Yeah.

I mean, we're always gonna have our differences.

I don't care what any lab report says.

I'll tell you who Nicole's real father is.

He's the guy that loves her

and raises her the way he thinks is right.

That's both of us.

Ah, ya big lug, you. (LAUGHING)

So we talkin'?

I talk. You grunt.

Nothing changes. (LAUGHS)

Come on, let's do it.

In goes Mr. Chicken.

Great. (CLEARS THROAT)

Here goes you not the father.

And here goes you not the real father.

And here goes the real father.

The real father? What do you mean the real father?

What's the name? What's the name here? Get it out. Right now.

Get it out. Ow, ow, ow. Ow. Ow.

There's a name there. How could there be...

There's a name on it. What, you can read that?

"Wilbur

"J.

"Chucklebutt."

"Wilbur J..."

"Chucklebutt."

"Wilbur J."

"Wilbur J."

Wilbur "J" as in Judge?

Judge Wilbur?

Wilbur J?

"J" as in Judge?

Here. I signed for this.

It's your test results from the lab.

Okay.

Let's get this over with.

Open it.

There's just one name in here, right?

That's right.

You see, now what good does that do us?

How can Nicole's real father

be in here if there's just one name in here?

If there's just one name in here,

then this envelope is wrong.

And I myself do not want to open

any one name wrong envelope.

You wanna open it?

I'm sorry we put you through what we put you through, Nick.

I guess we just had to find out something

for ourselves that you already knew, huh?

I have two dads.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, you do.

(MUSIC PLAYING)