03x13 - Power Struggle

[bunniefuu]

Alan. Hi. Michael Taylor.

Listen, I'll tell you why I'm calling.

One of my best clients

has two daughters in town, and I need an escort for one of them.

So... No, no, I can't ask Joey.

I can't.

No. 'Cause, you know, these are nice girls.

And, you know...

He's a dog, you know.

So what I'm thinking, is I need somebody with a little more self-control.

You know, somebody who's worldly, and, you know, charming,

fun to be with, and a priest.

And that would be you, Father.

How's Sundays for you?

I'm kidding. Come on.

Yeah, she is cute.

Oh, you were kidding.

See, huh?

Uh, yeah, well, you know, just get back to me after Bingo.

Okay. See you. Bye.

Hi.

So, who's cute?

What?

Well, you said, "She is cute." Who's she? Who's cute?

Oh, on the phone. No, I didn't say "She's cute."

I said... I said... Cheese... Cheese coat, cheese coat.

You said "cheese coat"? I said cheese coat. And I mean cheese coat.

So, you got a double-date, and you're not asking me to be the other guy, huh?

All I said was cheese coat.

If I said "cheese boat", would we be having this conversation?

Cheese boat?

No. That don't make any sense.

Well, look, Joey, it's nothing personal, okay?

It's nothing personal. It just has more to do with you

as a person. Yeah, yeah.

Look, it's a very important business client. It's very important.

You'll understand it when you're older. Really. (WATCH BEEPS)

What's that for?

It's 5:30.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, that's right.

You want the honors?

No, you know what? I got it yesterday. Your turn today.

Please.

Every day, the same thing.

Hello.

Fathers here. We're authority figures. Both of us.

Would you not... Come on! Come on, get in here.

Hey, Dads.

Hey, Mr. Harris, Mr. Taylor. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wanna watch some TV? Sure.

(TV PLAYING)

They don't care about us.

They literally don't care. It's like... It's like we're invisible.

Hmm. Watch this.

♪♪ Day-o!

♪♪ Me say day-o!

♪♪ Daylight come and me wanna go home ♪♪ ♪♪ Me wanna go home ♪♪

I love being alone with you.

Is this the hand that got hurt?

Mmm-hmm.

Better?

ZACH: Uh-huh.

How about Matthew?

Uh, I was thinking more like Jennifer.

Let's not argue.

We'll just have a boy and a girl.

Oops! You gotta go.

Yep. Great to see you. But you gotta go.

It's getting late.

All right. That's right.

Okay. Good seeing you.

Later. Yeah.

What are you doing kicking my boyfriend out of my house?

Oh, out of your house?

No, no, my house.

And in my house, he's not your boyfriend, he's my boyfriend.

Yeesh.

Well, what he's trying to say... What is wrong with Zach?

Nothing. Nothing.

It's just that you're seeing too much of him. All right?

It's not healthy.

For who?

For me. I'm sick of it.

Look, you guys are really getting too close.

You're spending all your time together.

It's like you guys are married.

So what?

We could be some day.

We're right for each other.

No, no, look, you are... You are way too young to have an exclusive relationship.

You gotta go out with a hundred wrong guys

till you can find the right guy.

But that's horrible. Well, that's life.

You know, dating can be a horrible, painful process.

And we don't want you missing out on it.

Are you listening to yourselves?

Okay, okay. Wait. Did you plan on seeing Zach exclusively

for the rest of your life?

I don't know. Maybe.

Oh, maybe?

Then maybe you should go out with somebody else once in a while.

I don't think so.

Well, then, maybe we shouldn't ask.

You have to... You have to go out with somebody, another guy,

before you go out with Zach again.

Why?

Because we said so.

What kind of a reason is that?

My father's reason.

Fine!

You were beautiful, babe. Oh, you were very good. Really. Very, very good there.

Are you sure we were right?

We can't be wrong. We were too loud to be wrong.

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter what you do

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter where you go

♪♪ I'm standing by your side

♪♪ I'll be right behind

♪♪ No one loves you more than I do

♪♪ Put your hand in mine

♪♪ I can see a part of me in you

♪♪ A little something special that comes shining through

♪♪ I hear it in your laughter

♪♪ And I feel it when you cry

♪♪ I will be right there for you

♪♪ Until the day I die

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter what you do

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter where you go

♪♪ You can count on me ♪♪

All right, okay, Nicole. You looking for Mr. Wrong? Here he is.

Morton Dubson, 10th grade.

He looks a little old for 10th grade.

Yeah, well, he's 24.

What do you think, Nicole? Bad enough?

We can do worse.

Okay. Herbie Richter.

Nope. No good. He's got a nice smile.

Yeah, well, I caught him at a happy moment. He just ate a booger.

Put him in the "possible" pile.

Gross, Nicole, how could you even think of being seen with a guy like that?

It's the only way I'm gonna show my dads how crazy they are.

Next.

Lothar Boyle.

Ew. What's that little hairy thing on his shoulder?

His head.

Burn it.

Okay, Nicole, I got one more.

(BOTH GASP) Him?

This is a rare picture. There are rumors he doesn't even show up on film.

We found our man.

No. You can't. It's evil.

Yes...

(PHONE RINGING)

I got it, I got it, I got it.

Yeah.

Howard, where are you?

My client's daughters are coming in like two minutes. They get...

What do you mean? No. No. See, no, you can't do...

Howard, I did... It's very important. You got... Howard?

Howard?

Bailed out on you, huh?

He had an accident. It could happen to anybody.

Yeah? Fell asleep in a tanning booth and burst into flames.

Well, I guess, with those ladies showing up any minute now,

you're gonna be looking for a guy who's, say, non-flammable?

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Beg me.

All right. But just don't blow this for me, huh? All right, all right.

And change your shirt. Looks like you just came back from clown school.

Hi. Michael, how are you?

Uh, Mr. Danvenport, how are you?

Come on in, come on in. Please.

And so you must be Wendy and Deedee?

Now remember, Taylor, I have to be out of town for a couple of days,

and I need someone to look after my girls. Show them the town.

Sir, my town is their town.

Wrong. Wrong.

Their town is Moline.

And when they get back there, I want them to be as pure and as sweet

as they were when they left.

Or else!

Capisce?

Sir, you have nothing to worry about.

When your daughters get back to Moline, they'll be the same

sweet Mo... Molinoids.

Is that the other guy? Yeah.

Uh, or not.

Uh, could be.

I'm not even sure, to tell you the truth.

Uh, what do you think?

Son... Hi.

I notice you got an earring.

Do you like women?

Oh, yes, I do, sir.

Well, stop it.

Don't you worry, Daddy.

These two look like a couple of gentlemen.

You just go on and don't worry about us.

All right, sweetheart.

I can destroy you, Taylor.

Have a good time.

Well, if you two don't mind, we'll just go freshen up?

Sure, right in the back there. Yeah.

In the back there.

Joe, you know... Don't you worry, don't worry.

I know how important this is to you.

I'm gonna be a good boy. I certainly hope so.

Yeah, and I'm gonna prove something to you, too, Mike. I'm gonna prove to you

that I can do that thing that you do with women.

You know, where you talk and talk and talk,

till they break plates over their head to stay awake.

WENDY AND DEEDEE: We're ready.

Hey, don't worry. You'll get another job.

So, ladies, tonight this town is yours.

What would you like to see, huh? Radio City? Saint Patrick's Cathedral?

DEEDEE: Um, no.

We wanna go to that place where the guys dance naked.

Unless you wanna put on a cowboy hat

and shake it up for us, blue eyes.

Joe.

But I got the perfect hat.

Come on, Mikey, don't be a poop.

Uh, well, it's just that I promised your father I'd be a poop.

Now, Michael, all you need to do is loosen up.

You know, Deedee, I'll be honest with you,

any other night, any other circumstances,

I would be so loose that you...

Hey, Deedee, is that your hand on my knee?

Oh, I don't know.

That your knee? Yes!

That's my hand.

Um, you know what? I'm gonna start counting.

No kidding around. I'm gonna... I'm gonna count and...

Your hand better be off my knee by the time I hit, oh, 5000, say.

Hi, Dads. Hi, sweetheart. Sweetheart, hi.

Daughter, Wendy. Deedee, this is our Nicole.

Hi.

Uh, this is Jordan, my date.

Hey.

Hello, Jordan.

I'm Joey Harris, and this is Michael Taylor, and...

Hey, mind if I have my hand back here, big buddy?

Jordan is a student of human behavior.

His specialty is the analysis of body language.

Right now, he's reading your handshake.

Oh, really?

Okay, what do I do for a living?

You make balloon animals at a trailer park in Florida.

Wrong. I'm an artist.

Oh, I was reading your future.

A comedian, too, huh?

Jordan's also a collector. Right, Jordo?

Is that right? What do you collect? Stamps? Coins?

Rats.

Rats?

Yeah. I have 52 of them.

Why?

I'm their king.

So, uh, where are you two going tonight?

Well, Nicole thought I should get to know you guys, so...

I guess we're just gonna hang out with you and the bimbos.

Excuse me?

Let's eat. I'll get a chair.

Um...

Excuse me. Could you stand up for just a second?

(GRUNTS) Stupid.

(EXHALES) Nicole, park it.

He is the king.

How could you possibly go out with anybody like that?

My dads made me.

No, no, we didn't make her. We just told her that...

You know, if she didn't do it, then she couldn't go out with her real boyfriend again.

Oh, is that how you get your kicks,

by being mean to your sweet, little daughter?

Come on, Deedee, these guys are sick and perverted.

Yeah, really.

Let's go someplace where we can stick money down some guy's shorts.

Yeah.

Wait a second.

We can make it.

What?

All right, my career is not dead yet.

A couple of more calls, a little luck,

we find these girls before Daddy gets home.

Yes. Hello. Is this the Cafe Studmuffin?

Yeah, look, I know, this is gonna sound a little crazy,

but could you look out in the audience tonight? Do there happen to be two...

Wendy and Deedee. Yes, exactly.

Could you get them to the phone please?

They left. With who?

I see.

Would that be our Navy?

Well, guess I'll be turning in.

But before I do, I just wanna thank you guys

for making me go out with someone other than my boyfriend Zach.

Nicole? Yes?

Nicole, do you realize what you and Jordo have done?

I was only following orders.

Well, you told me to go out with somebody else,

so I went out with somebody else.

Yes, we said go out with somebody else,

but we never said go out with the Antichrist!

So you think this was all some kind of a ploy?

Oh, come on, Nicole, come on.

You're using this Jordan guy to make us look wrong, when we were right.

Explain again how you were right.

All right.

Explain again how we were right.

Just go out with somebody normal,

somebody that you could conceivably care about.

No.

You're changing the rules. No, we're not.

We're just insisting that you play by them.

Well,

it just so happens that I care about Jordan.

In fact, I think I might be falling in love with him.

Oh, really? Oh, really.

Oh, well.

Well, then, if that's the case, then I think...

I think we, as your fathers, should get

to know this guy a little better. Don't you think?

Huh? Absolutely.

As a matter of fact, why don't we all spend a day together, huh?

Just the four of us. Joey, me, and you and the Rat King.

What a great idea.

Oh, great. Then it's settled.

Go on upstairs and give him a call right now.

Great! Good.

That's terrific! I should've thought of it myself.

I mean it. Don't try and stop me.

This is very bad.

So let me get this.

You hate this Jordan kid, your dads hate this Jordan kid,

but the first one to admit it loses.

That's right.

Loses what?

Control of my life.

I'm old enough to make my own decisions, Judge.

So what do you want from me, Grandma?

Help me get my dads to throw out Jordan this afternoon.

That way they have to admit that this whole

date-another-boy thing is stupid.

What if it doesn't work?

Your dads are pretty stubborn, Nicole.

Are you prepared to keep going out with this...

What'd you call him?

Ear cheese.

So in order to win this little battle,

you're willing to put up with...

What'd you call this guy?

Cow fudge.

That's poetry.

I can hardly wait to meet him.

That's exactly the point, Judge.

But you gotta come at just the right moment,

and say a few well-chosen words

about how right we are.

And are you?

Hey, if we're not, we're darn close.

And when Nicole sees this, then she'll throw the guy out, and we win.

I think I got the picture.

I'll see what I can do.

Oh.

Hey, man.

(PANTING) (LAUGHS)

I can't believe we just went through the entire afternoon with Jordan

and we didn't k*ll him.

Yeah.

Well, we got a good lead on 'em, huh?

There's no way that Nicole's gonna make it three blocks

without pushing that kid in front of a bus.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

NICOLE: Dads? Let us in. Oh, no.

(SHUSHING)

Hey, hey. (CLICK)

We can do it. We just gotta hang in there until the Judge gets here.

(DOOR RATTLING) NICOLE: Michael? Joey? The door's stuck.

Oh, she's our daughter. We can't pretend that nobody's here.

You're right.

(FAKE ACCENT) Uh, Michael, Joey not here. He move to another place.

Please to go away.

Yeah, take that little mutant with you.

Way to go, Mahatma.

But you need a shoe with a reinforced toe.

That's how you kick the head off a pigeon.

(SIGHS)

So, this is where you live.

What a toilet.

Did you paint this, or just throw up on it?

(LAUGHS)

Better open a window, will ya? (NORMAL ACCENT) Why?

I want to see if this kid can fly.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

TOGETHER: Judge.

That him? TOGETHER: Yeah.

How are you?

Judge Margaret Wilbur.

Uh, wait, wait, Judge. You really don't wanna do that.

Oh, they're referring to my uncanny ability

to read someone's personality through a handshake.

My hand's an open book.

You're a hardheaded, self-important, pushy, bossy battle-a*.

k*ll him! All right, let's go. You're out of here.

It's been fun. Yeah, keep in touch.

We'll see you.

Hey, say hello to Willard.

Gettin' pretty good at that, huh?

Yeah, it's all in the wrist, all in the wrist. Yeah.

Gee, thanks for coming to my rescue.

But wait, if you all threw him out at the same time,

that means nobody wins.

Well,

I guess you'll just have to settle for a tie.

(SNICKERS)

Can we please never do this again? Please?

Can we just... Next time this comes up,

can we start from here, you know, talking?

Huh? So this is the part where you talk and I listen?

No. No.

No.

Hey listen, Nick, look... Look, you know, we care a lot about you, okay?

Maybe sometimes we care too much, huh?

So you were wrong for making me go out with another guy?

No. No.

Why not?

I don't know.

Guys...

Look, all right, look. Here's what I know, all right?

I know the same thing happened to me when I was a kid.

And my parents didn't know how to get it through to me, either.

But all I know, all my father used to say to me is...

He used to say, "Joey, you're too young. Stop it."

And it took me 20 years

and one daughter to realize that he wasn't saying, "Stop it."

He was just saying, "Just slow down."

You know, slow down. You got your whole life ahead of you.

But Zach and I aren't doing anything wrong.

We're happy together.

Listen, that's, you know, that's all we want.

We want you to be happy always.

But let's say, you know, you and Zach got married.

Many, many years from now, you know.

After college and after med school and your Nobel prize.

The point is, you don't wanna be sitting there looking at each other one day

and thinking in the back of your head, maybe somebody else out there

would, you know, somewhere would be better for you.

That all.

Why couldn't you say it like that two days ago?

We just figured it out.

Look, we promised that we would spend the day with you and your boyfriend,

so, uh... So why don't you go call Zach?

Go on.

You were beautiful, babe. Oh, you were very impressive.

You did some nice things there. Very, very good.

Look, the only reason that we were bothered

by the kissing and hugging and the whispering and all the touching,

it was 'cause...

Guys? Guys, cut it out!

Sorry. Sorry.

Yes, this is how this whole thing started.

I mean, it bothers us a little bit that, you know,

you guys make like we're not even here.

You understand that?

I think I got it.

We're going too fast.

We ought to slow down, 'cause we got our whole lives ahead of us, right?

And?

And if I try anything more than kissing, you rip my lips off.

He's got it.

Yo, Michael, you got a phone call.

It's ship to shore.

Ship to shore?

Ship to shore? Hello...

Deedee! Wendy!

Thank God! Are you guys okay?

Okay, all right. Well, you stay there

and we're gonna come pick you right up.

My career is saved.

Listen, with our new understanding,

you think we can leave these kids alone for a while? Sure.

I'm gonna get a cab. Where we going?

Portugal.

(MUSIC PLAYING)