03x18 - To Thine Own Elf Be True

[bunniefuu]

I can't believe you forgot.

Michael is gonna be so mad.

Yeah, yeah, if we tell him that we went to a movie.

But if we tell him that we rescued a family from a burning building,

everything's gonna be fine.

Wasn't it you who taught me never to lie?

To me. Never lie to me.

Anyway, Michael'll be fine.

He's a big guy.

Where have you been?

Where have you been? You said five o'clock.

It is now seven.

I can explain.

Explain what?

I'm sorry, Mikey.

You know, I have a lot of things to do!

I rushed home from work.

I could've... I could've stayed to finish what I was doing.

But no. I rush home to dress up like a leprechaun!

See, Joey's writing this children's book

about a leprechaun named Mr. Biggles,

and so, you know, he needs a model for inspiration.

Well, how about Mr. Taylor?

Look at what he's wearing. It's perfect.

Hey, put that down.

Quit stalling!

You're, you're always stalling.

First there was, there was...there was the leprechaun research.

So, okay, three weeks of watching

Lucky Charms commercials.

Okay. Fine. I could understand that.

Then we gotta order the suit.

So, we order the suit. 'Cause if you can't see it, you can't draw it.

So, here I am, Joe. I'm wearing this suit.

I'm here. Come on, draw.

Hey, the suit's all wrong.

Excuse me?

Yeah, you could see your feet sticking out the back.

Obviously you're not a real leprechaun.

Nobody is!

Nobody's a real leprechaun!

Would you... Come here. Stop. Start drawing.

Sit down and... And draw.

Come on. Finish this book. Finish the book.

It's a big career move, Joe.

1It's a big mistake.

I mean, look at all the rejection letters I got.

Look at this. Like, twenty publishers. No. No. No. No. No.

Look at this one. Here.

(READING) "Dear Joey, What a nice effort you made.

"Next time don't be embarrassed to ask Mommy and Daddy for help."

Here, "P.S.

"Try and color inside the lines."

Joe, but the problem is you're sending in a few sketches

and a rough story line.

Nobody's gonna buy that.

You have to finish the book.

Well, I can't, all right? I'm blocked.

Joey, Joey, Joey.

Now... Now, what would Mr. Biggles say to a little boy

who was afraid to make his dreams come true?

I don't know.

Think, Mr. Biggles now.

All right. I guess he... I guess he'd say,

"Believe the magic inside yourself."

There you go, laddie!

Hey, all right! Yeah. That's right.

Hey, I'm going at the wrong story here. Exactly.

Hey, Mr. Biggles helps a little boy get his confidence back,

is a lot better than Mr. Biggles pokes his eye out with a big stick.

Exactly, my boy. That's right.

Thanks, Mikey. 'Cause I'll tell you something.

I would never finish this without you.

(DOORBELL RINGS) Well, that's what Mr. Biggles is here for, isn't it?

To, to bring joy and laughter to children all over the world.

You know, nobody could, could even look at me without smiling.

I thought I told you, no pets.

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter what you do

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter where you go

♪♪ I'm standing by your side

♪♪ I'll be right behind

♪♪ No one loves you more than I do

♪♪ Put your hand in mine

♪♪ I can see a part of me in you

♪♪ A little something special that comes shining through

♪♪ I hear it in your laughter

♪♪ And I feel it when you cry

♪♪ I will be right there for you

♪♪ Until the day I die

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter what you do

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter where you go

♪♪ You can count on me ♪♪

ZACH: (READING) "So, Biggles showed our little Tim

"the way to the magic inside of him."

Boy, that's... That's really good.

What do you think, Judge?

I mean, doesn't that make a great bedtime story?

Read it again, Mommy.

Hey, kiddies. Hey.

What's this?

Joey finished the book.

No kidding?

This is great.

This is very, very good.

What are you looking at?

The woman at the counter.

Excuse me.

Yes?

Your hair... That...

That's what's different. You changed your hair.

I didn't recognize you.

We've never met.

That's it!

(CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) You're right. I'm sorry. Bye.

Hey, great to see you again.

You do remember me, don't you?

'Cause if not, I can keep this up all day.

Of course. How ya been?

Great! And you? How are the kids? No.

Your husband? No.

Fiance? Boyfriend? Roommate? Love sl*ve?

No.

Congratulations. You just moved on to the bonus round.

You know, I can't believe that I'm really going to say this...

Yes?

Have we met?

I mean, you really do look familiar.

Well, of course.

Well, we were very much in love,

and then, uh... Well, then it happened,

that tragic day at the air show

when your parachute didn't open.

And you know, the doctors said you would never regain your memory.

I think it's coming back to me now. Yes?

It was 1942.

Paris was in flames.

We were running for our lives,

b*ll*ts flying all around.

What, do you just make these things up?

Oh? I just thought you were somebody else.

(LAUGHS) I'm Michael Taylor.

You know, I knew a Murray Taylor once,

but he was short and kind of dumpy.

And, well, that was a very long time ago.

Well, then let's not talk about Murray.

Your name would be... JOEY: Allison.

Joey! Hey, how ya doing?

(GRUNTS)

Hey, you believe this, huh, Michael?

Allison works for a publishing company now. Children's division.

I take over a copy of Mr. Biggles, and look who's there.

Isn't that incredible?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You don't know who this is?

Come on, we all went to summer camp together, huh?

I know it's a long time ago, but come on.

Allison Novack.

Allison?

Murray?

Ah, there's another great memory from our summers in Camp Whitefish.

That's... That's me learning how to swim.

Dad, all I see in this picture

is Joey and Allison in a canoe.

Yeah, well, you can't... You can't make me out really well.

I'm drowning.

Ah, there's another one. That's the three of us at the Camp Whitefish

End of Summer dance.

Dad... I know what you're sayin'.

You're saying all you... All you see is Joey and Allison dancing.

But sweetheart, look very carefully.

Look, look who they're dancing on.

This was a tough summer for you, wasn't it, Dad?

You know what happened there?

I was... I was showing everybody how to do the funky chicken,

actually knocked myself out with my own fists.

I love your camp stories, Michael.

I mean, Judge, doesn't it just remind you of being around a campfire?

More like being in a coma.

Look at... Look at Allison there.

Isn't that a great picture?

You had a crush on Allison, didn't you?

I... I... I had certain impure feelings for her, yeah.

But she never took me seriously.

I mean, well, look at me.

Look at my hair.

Your hair?

Aren't those earmuffs?

It didn't matter what I looked like

'cause, well, she only had eyes for Joey.

And since I had no sh*t,

I... I actually kind of played cupid.

I brought the two of them together.

That's really sad.

It's pathetic.

Oh, what a great afternoon.

Boy, that Allison, she is still terrific.

Says she likes my book, but I gotta tell ya,

I think it may still be the author.

So, it's working out?

Yeah, and I got you to thank, babe.

I mean, you're the one that got me to finish the book, so in a way,

you're the one that got us back together again, huh?

Hey, just like old times, huh?

Hey, oh, look at that, archery.

That's... That's me with the apple on my head.

Dinner!

Joe, come on. Dinner.

Five more minutes.

Hey, don't you five more minutes me.

What, do you expect me to put out two dinners?

No, sir. You eat when the rest of the family eats,

or you don't eat at all.

Mom, was that you? (DOORBELL RINGS)

Hey, that's Allison. Could you get that for me?

And try to be nice.

Hey, when am I not nice?

Yesterday, when she came to pick up the sketches, you were acting all edgy.

Where do you get that?

Hey, you talk too loud.

For you whole life, whenever you get nervous, you talk too loud.

That's ridiculous.

Hi!

Hello, Michael.

Listen, I got tired of my boss

dragging his feet over your book.

So, I marched into his office,

I looked him straight in the eye, and I said,

"Ed, I believe in Joey Harris,

"and if you don't think we should publish his book,

"maybe I shouldn't be here."

You really said that?

No.

Actually, I said, "Ed, this Harris guy,

"we can get him cheap."

He bought the book?

Congratulations.

Yes! All right!

Yes!

I can't believe this is happening.

All right. I love ya.

Oh.

And here is an advance check.

I'm gonna go buy a bottle of champagne. (LAUGHS)

Uh, look closer at the check.

A six pack of beer.

Hey, hey, I'll go.

Hey, no, no, no, no. No. Hey, I got this big yippee coming on.

I want to go out there on the stairwell,

where it's gonna sound really good.

Well, that's great. (CHUCKLES)

It's great.

(STAMMERS) I mean, it's... It's great.

Don't you think it's great?

It's great. It's great.

You want to sit down while we're waiting? Great.

Got a whole seating area right here lined up.

You're not sitting?

Not today.

I... I sat earlier, so I'm... I'm good.

Listen, are we ever going to finish our lunch?

What lunch?

The lunch we almost had the other day before Joey showed up.

You want to have lunch with me?

I accept.

(CHUCKLES)

Unless, of course, you want to have dinner?

What, you want... Hold...

Me? (STAMMERING) Don't you mean Joey?

Joey?

Oh, you mean because we were sort of an item at camp.

Michael, that was 18 years ago.

This is now.

And Joey's a great guy, very talented. But you...

You're weird.

Ah, listen... Well, let me... Let me confirm this.

You're saying like dinner, it would be a date type situation,

with, uh... With that man/woman theme,

and that could potentially could lead to... To...

You know, to something like, you know...

Like this?

(CHUCKLES)

Finally,

weird works.

You know, I listen to you on the radio all the time.

MICHAEL: You give great advice,

but I... I don't know if you can help me.

This is really complicated.

DR. BONNIE: (ON RADIO) So, you and your friend are interested in the same woman.

Go on.

Yeah. Well, the thing is, Dr. Bonnie,

she says, you know, she likes me,

but I know that my friend is gonna be very upset if I go out with her.

Well, Murray, there's a very simple solution to your problem.

Really? That's incredible.

Because, I'll tell ya, I've been... I've been worried about this for days.

This is such a relief.

Yes, and everybody comes out of this feeling just great.

Ready? You bet.

The answer is...you and the young lady... Hey, hey, hey.

Woah!

What'd you do that for?

Oh, that? That's nothing.

I... I smash a radio three, four times a week.

You're just never around to see it. I do it.

Are you hungry?

Yes. Good.

'Cause tonight we're cooking up all your favorites for dinner.

Yes. Why?

Hey, it's the least I can do, huh?

The least I can do. Without you,

no Mr. Biggles, no book, no Allison, no nothin'.

All right? Just to show you how much I appreciate what you have done,

I got you a little something. Nick?

It's a brand-new portable CD player,

and a collection of brand new CDs!

(CHUCKLES) Wow!

What are you spending that kind of money on me for?

It's just part of the advance money.

I thought you were entitled to something.

The CD is Nick's idea.

Wow. I... I don't know what to say.

Say goodbye to it.

Hey, listen, you're busy tomorrow night.

I am? Yeah.

Allison's company's throwing this big "Meet Mr. Biggles" party,

and you're the guest of honor.

Oh, listen, here's... Joe, we got a little...

Hey, hey, there's gonna be a lot of little kids there

who are gonna want their pictures taken with Mr. Biggies.

And you are Mr. Biggles.

Yeah, but we... We got a little problem here, you and me.

You're not gonna back out on me now, are ya?

Come on!

Come on, I don't trust anybody but you here.

Come on. Tomorrow night's my big night.

I want it to be perfect.

I want everything to go right. What do you say, eh?

Hey, you're my best buddy, right?

Sure. All right. All right.

Where are you going?

I'm going to get some asparagus.

We never have it, right? You love it.

Yeah, we don't have 'em, 'cause it gives you a rash.

Well, tonight I'm breaking out in hives.

My way of saying thanks.

Excuse me.

Do you believe in fate?

Huh?

For some reason, I feel drawn to you,

like I knew you in a previous life.

Oh, which would have been what, six years ago?

I'm talking to the lady.

Judge, I wanted to thank you

for letting us have our little press party here.

Hey, the cocktail weenies cost me nineteen cents each.

You company's paying fifteen bucks a head.

You're welcome.

Anybody see a soon-to-be-published author, huh?

(LAUGHS) Oh, look, here's one.

Enjoying yourself?

Ah, man. Everybody's having a great time.

I don't want to go to Aruba!

Where's Michael?

Well, he's getting in costume.

He ought to be down here any minute.

Oh, you don't want to keep the kids waiting.

They're your public. If they take to Mr. Biggles,

we're gonna sell a lot of books. (CHUCKLES)

We're selling books. (BOTH LAUGH)

Well, begorra, laddies and lassies.

It's me, Mr. Biggles!

(ALL SCREAMING)

Looks like you're a hit, Joe.

Are you... Are you all right?

Oh, ho, everything hurts.

Do you want me to get you a doctor?

Get me a lawyer.

Uh oh. Here they come again.

Ahhh!

(LAUGHING)

Oh, this is very funny to you, huh?

I'm sorry.

It's just the first time that I've ever seen you like...

This. (LAUGHS)

Well, I suppose you won't want to be going out with me now, will ya?

Are you kidding?

There are not many men who would go to this much trouble for a friend.

(LAUGHS) So. Hmm.

So, do we have a date, little fella?

I just... I just want to talk to Joey about it first.

I was gonna do it before, but I didn't want to ruin his big night.

I like you for that, too.

You are gonna be tough to get rid of. (LAUGHS)

What if I made you watch while I purposely overfed my goldfish? Hmm?

(LAUGHS) You are so...

Weird.

I give up.

(ALL TALKING) Hey, hey! All right, come here.

Wait, you guys. Hold it. Come on, calm down. Come on.

Now listen, Mr. Biggles loves children, okay?

And he really wants to play with you guys.

But you gotta remember something.

You gotta remember that he is just a little leprechaun, right?

Okay?

You play too rough with him, and he could get hurt.

Now everybody understand that?

ALL: Yes.

Okay. Good, good, good.

k*ll!

(ALL SCREAMING)

I'm... I'm sorry, Joe.

I was, I wanted to talk to you about it beforehand, really.

Oh, why? So, you could ask my permission to steal her from me?

I wasn't stealing her. She asked me out.

And believe it or not, as much as I enjoyed it,

she was kissing me.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, that's so crazy?

You can't imagine that she would be attracted to me

and not you?

Now, come on. What's wrong with me?

Usually?

I thought we weren't gonna do this to each other anymore. Do what?

You know what I'm talking about.

She was mine.

18 years ago.

No, 18 minutes ago.

When, Joe? When... When... When did I make my move, huh?

I mean, in the...

In the last three days,

I have been dressed up in this little green get-up

to help you finish your book.

So, tell me exactly when were Allison and I so alone that I stole her?

Hey, what do you think, I'm blind?

Do you think I'm blind? Do you think I don't know that you always liked her?

Yes, I did, but I was prepared to do nothing about it

until I learned, much to my amazement,

she was interested in me.

Oh, I don't know, Michael.

Last three days she seemed pretty interested in me.

I mean, why else would a woman put her job on the line for me?

(EXHALES)

'Cause you're cute, Joe. That's why.

See, that's the way it works in business, you know.

People they... They have no respect for talent.

Talent means nothing. It's all in the face.

Hey, if I'm so talented, how come I got all them rejection letters?

'Cause they're wrong.

They're wrong, she's right.

Listen, I hate to be the one to break it to you,

but you know, there just may be one member of the opposite sex

that wants you only for your art.

Right.

Hey, why do you think I kept pushing you, huh?

You think I like walking around on my knees?

I pushed you 'cause I believed in you, even if you didn't.

And she believes in you.

And... And she happens to like me.

She's good for both of us.

What do you say? Could we keep her?

You gonna go out with her?

Are you gonna have a problem with that?

You should have done it twenty years ago.

Well... Well, I didn't.

Of course not. You were pitiful then.

Yeah, but I've come a long way. Don't you think?

And now, I'm weird.

You are very, very good.

Really? You're not lying?

Absolutely not.

In fact, I've got another advance check for you.

How does one hundred $100,000 sound?

Unbelievable.

Correct.

Now, wait, where is the magic princess for the ending?

We need the magic princess to wave her wand

and take the evil spell off of everyone.

Where's the model?

Will I do?

No. You'd make a much better prince.

I like being royalty. I do.

Hey, Nick. You ready?

NICOLE: Coming! Oh, I want to see this.

JOEY: Hey, wait a minute!

Come on, where's the... Where's the princess suit?

I have to meet Zach at the movies.

I thought it was a little too dressy.

But these sketches are due tomorrow.

Dad, don't worry. I've got you covered.

One word and you're all frogs.

(MUSIC PLAYING)