01x10 - Father Nature

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

♪ Here we are ♪

♪ Face-to-face ♪

♪ A couple of silver spoons ♪

♪ Hopin' to find ♪

♪ We're two of a kind ♪

♪ Makin' a go ♪

♪ Makin' it grow ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Takin' the time each day ♪

♪ To learn all about ♪

♪ Those things
You just can't buy ♪

♪ Two silver spoons together ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I together ♪

Come on, Leonard.

Go skiing with me
this weekend.

Once you try it,
you'll love it.

Edward, I do not wanna--
initial here--go skiing.

Why not?

You want to know why--
sign here--not?

I'll tell you why--
initial here--not?

'Cause I just don't enjoy
being--today's date--outdoors.

Come on, Leonard.
You're being unreasonable.

Listen, I'm
an indoor kind of guy.

I was born indoors.

I plan to die indoors.

It's my contention

that if God had meant for people
to be outside,

he wouldn't have
given us windows.

If God had meant for people
to be inside,

why'd he give us
thermal underwear?

Simple. So we can sleep with
the windows open.

[CACKLES]

Anyway, it's too early
in the season to go skiing.

I may be a novice,

but I do know when you ski,
it helps to have snow.

See there?
Now, you're a natural.

Come on, Leonard.

They got snow up in Canada.
We can fly to Banff.

Banff?

Yeah, it's
a great ski resort.

I bet I know how
it got that name.

When skiers fall off a cliff,

that's the sound they make
when they hit bottom.

Banff.

Okay,
I sense your hesitation.

Mm-hmm.

I was hoping
you'd give skiing a try.

I guess you're not interested
in conquering a mountain.

That's right.

And I guess
you're not interested in

seeing some
breathtaking scenery.

That's right.

I guess you're not interested in
meeting beautiful women

who go crazy
for any guy in ski pants.

I'll meet you
at the airport.

Ah, ha ha.

You know, Rick,

should've let me walk in first.

What for?

Well, I hate to rub it in,

but I am
a full-fledged Badger

while you're nothing but
a lowly Muskrat.

Derek,
you've pointed that out

three times
in the last five minutes.

Oh, have I? I'm sorry.

Okay.

I guess that
embarrassing blank space

where your Badger Paws
ought to be

just keeps reminding me

that I'm
a full-fledged Badger

while you're nothing but
a lowly Muskrat.

Keep it up, Derek,

and there'll be
an embarrassing blank space

where your teeth
ought to be.

Besides,
after next weekend,

I'm gonna be
a full-fledged Badger, too.

Oh, sure. You'll never
get your old man

to spend 24 hours
camping in the woods with you.

No problem. My dad
loves to spend time with me.

Come on. Fathers
hate to waste weekends

on their kids.

The only way I got my dad
to go camping with me

is to thr*aten to tell Mom
all about his girlfriend.

How'd you know
he had a girlfriend?

I didn't. Took a s*ab.

Well, I don't have to
twist my dad's arm.

He'll help me
get my Badger Paws.

I hope so. I'm tired
of being reminded

that
I'm a full-fledged Badger

while you're nothing but
a lowly Muskrat.

Derek, did your parents
have any kids

after they had you?

No.

Think about it.

Ricky, that's an awful thing
to say to Derek.

But, Dad, he--

It's okay, sir.

After all, I am a Badger,
and part of the Badger code

is to be kind
to the foul-tempered.

That's a very nice sentiment,
Derek.

"Kind to the foul-tempered"?

Yeah. It comes right after
"A Badger never pokes fun

at another person's
body parts."

Who wrote this code?

Colonel W. Morton Strathmore.

Who's he?

Some old dead guy
with a big nose.

Well, isn't that
what you said, Richard?

Dad, I never...

Well, it's always a pleasure
conversing with you, sir,

but I'm afraid
I must beg my leave.

No need to beg, Derek.

Just leave.

Well, goodbye,
Mr. Stratton.

Oh, Richard. Oh,
I was going to give you

the Badger handshake,
but I forgot.

I'm a full-fledged Badger

while you're nothing but
a lowly Muskrat.

Well, how'd this week's meeting
of the Badger Patrol go, son?

Okay, but Derek
keeps on rubbing it in

that he's
a full-fledged Badger,

and I'm nothing but
a lowly Muskrat.

Well, you've only been in
the Badger Patrol a week.

I think it's pretty good
that you're already a Muskrat.

Dad, as soon as you join

you automatically become
a Muskrat.

I mean, it's humiliating.

All the Badgers
make fun at me.

They treat me like I'm slime,
like I'm dirt.

Well, why don't you quit?

'Cause all my friends
are in it.

This weekend's my last chance
to get my Badger Paws

before spring.

Well, how does a Muskrat
get his Badger Paws?

Okay, all we have to do
is go camping

from Saturday morning
until Sunday noon.

Well, son, I'm not sure
I like the idea

of you and a bunch of kids

spending a weekend
in the woods alone.

Oh, no, Dad, it's not me
and a bunch of kids.

It's me and you.

Son, I'm not sure
I like the idea of me and you

spending the weekend
in the woods alone.

We'll have a fantastic time.

Dad, I-I-I dreamed about this
all my life--

how it would be to go camping
with my father.

I keep picturing it
over and over.

Well, son,
you see, I--

First, we set up our tent.

Then we go fishing.

Well, that's nice,
Rick. I--

We catch six beautiful
rainbow trout,

and we cook them over
a crackling campfire.

And when it gets dark,
we-we tell ghost stories,

sip hot cocoa,

and-and then we fall asleep
under the stars.

Wait a minute.

We have a problem here.

See, I-I already have plans.

Oh.

Well, son, I think
it would be great

for you and me
to go camping sometime, but...

I was really looking forward
to this weekend.

It's okay. You h--
You have a good time.

I'm sorry.

No, it's okay, really.

Hi, Ricky.

Hi, Kate.

Edward, is it my imagination,
or is Ricky depressed?

He's not depressed.
He's disappointed in me.

And I don't wanna
talk about it, okay?

Okay, fine.

Ricky wants me to go camping
with him this weekend.

Wants to earn his Badger Paws.

See, I already had plans
to go skiing with Leonard.

Oh, well, then you
just can't go camping.

Well, I could change my plans.

Great.
Then change your plans.

Well, Kate, it's just that...

I've never been camping before
in my whole life.

Your father never took you?

Never.

Oh.

It's the one thing
I'm grateful to him for.

Oh, Kate,
I'd do anything for Ricky.

Except go camping.

Edward, I don't understand.
You love outdoor sports.

Camping isn't a sport.
Camping is going to a place

where there's mud and bugs
and snakes.

You don't have a roof
over your head.

You don't have indoor plumbing.

I'm telling you, Kate,
it's unnatural.

That's
an interesting perspective.

Well, on the other hand,
Ricky has this big dream

about how terrific it would be
if we went camping together.

I hate to disappoint him.

Yeah, well,
he'll probably get over it.

Yeah. Yeah,
that's what I think.

Although, if he didn't,

that disappointment
could turn into resentment.

And that resentment
might develop into

a cold, gnawing
emptiness inside him.

And that would
alienate him from society

and eventually drive him into
a life of crime

so that he'll spend
the remainder

of his wretched days
in prison.

But you'll be able to
visit him on weekends.

That is, of course,
unless you'd rather go skiing.

Hey, Rick.

Yeah, Dad?

We're going camping.

All right.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Isn't this great, Dad?

Yes, it is.

Ah.

There's something strange
about this air.

I know what it is.

This stuff's
got oxygen in it.

Tent's almost ready, Dad.

That a boy, son.

I got the wood.
You get the tent.

We're a great team.

This camping stuff's
a breeze.

Aah.

Ladybug.

You know what? I think we found
the perfect campsite.

You look around,
and you get the feeling

that no other human being
has ever been here before.

Yeah. Virgin forest.

Come on, Dad,
let's put up the tent.

Okay. What do I do?

You get that rope
over there, okay?

Okay. We pull together?

Yeah, on three.
Okay.

Ready?
Sure.

One...
Yeah.

two, three.

[CHUCKLES]

All right, now tie it down
in a square knot.

Hey, man, like I'm too cool

to tie a square knot,
you know?

Like, I'm totally sorry.
You know, like, lame-headed.

Wow, that's terrific.

Hey, how about
we go fishing?

There are six
rainbow trout out there

with our names on them.

Yeah, we better get to the river
before they fall asleep.

I didn't know
that fish sleep.

Well, they must.

You know how tired you get
after swimming all day.

Yeah, but I thought
I read somewhere

that fish
don't have any eyelids.

How can you sleep
without eyelids?

Even if you could,

how do the other fish
know you're asleep?

I mean, there you are
in the middle of a dream,

some bass swims up to you
and says,

"Hey, Herb, you asleep?"

Don't be silly, Dad.

A fish would not
sound that way underwater.

He'd say...

[UNDERWATER VOICE]
"Hey Herb, you asleep?"

I guess
you got a point there.

And there's one more thing

I've always wondered
about fish.

What's that?

How can a fish eat

and then wait 30 minutes
before going swimming?

Beats me.

[EDWARD WHISTLING
THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW THEME]

EDWARD AND RICKY:
♪ Oh, give me a home ♪

♪ Where the buffalo roam ♪

♪ And the deer
and the antelope play ♪

♪ Where seldom is heard ♪

♪ A discouraging word-- ♪

What the hell happened here?

Wait a minute.
Rick, wait a minute.

Hello. We're back.

All five of us.

Joe, Pete, Al, Bernie,
you got your shotguns ready?

[IN DIFFERENT VOICES]
Yo.

Yup.
All right.

You betcha.

Look at the tent.
It's all ripped.

I think
it was an animal.

You mean an animal animal,

or a guy who grabs people
by the legs and makes a wish?

It was a bear.

A bear?

How do you know
it was a bear?

Well, there's some tracks,
and that's some fur and...

other evidence.

This is all my fault.

The Badger Manual recommends

that you hang your food
on a tree limb.

Thought
they were just joking.

Rick.

[STAMMERS]

You don't think that bear
might come back, do you?

Nah, I doubt it.

[LEAVES RUSTLING]

Dad?

We imagined that.

[RUSTLING]

That too?

No.

Go away.

I think you did it.

You scared him off, Dad.
Way to go.

[LAUGHS]

Aha.

Well, I just did
what comes naturally.

I panicked.

Boy, that bear really did
wreck our campsite.

Yeah. Look,
our tent is ruined.

All our food is gone.

I guess you're gonna say
we have to go home now, huh?

No, heck no. Hey, hey.

We're not gonna let
a minor detail

like a rampaging
3,000-pound bear

ruin our good time.

Right.

We're gonna stay right here
until Sunday noon

and get you
those Badger Paws.

That's the spirit, Dad.

You betcha.

Since all our food is gone,
that bear won't come back.

That's right. Ha ha. Okay.

Okay.

We didn't catch any fish,

and all the food
we brought is gone.

But... and this is
a very important "but"...

we can live off the land,
the fat of the land.

Dad, if there's
so much fat on this land,

how come the bear
had to eat our food?

Good point.

[SIGHS]

Well, we only have
16 hours left.

We can survive for 16 hours
without food, right?

Right.

How many hours left now?

Rick, forget about food.
Come on, I'll tell you what--

we'll make a fire,
and, uh, we'll get warm,

and we'll just get us
a good night's sleep, okay?

Okay.

Okay.

You build a fire
with what you've gotten,

and I'll get some more wood.

Okay.

You loosened it.

Yeah. Yeah, right.

Look, Rick, I think
we got enough wood.

We'll have
a fantastic time.

We'll light a fire, and then
we'll tell some ghost stories.

Okay, good.

Where are the matches?

You were supposed to bring
the matches.

Ghost stories are more fun
without a fire.

Scarier.

Besides that,
soon as it gets dark,

we'll have plenty of light
from the stars.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

It's gonna rain, Dad.

No way. After everything else
that's happened to us,

it can't possibly rain on us.
It's the law of averages.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

Good news, Rick.
I found some food.

What is it?

Grasshoppers?

You want me to eat a bug?

Well, the Badger Manual

says they're not only edible,
but they're nutritious.

I'd rather eat
the Badger Manual.

Rick, grasshoppers
are a delicacy.

Ever heard of
chocolate-covered grasshoppers?

Yeah.

Well, these happen to be
light on the chocolate,

heavy on the grasshopper.

Come on, Rick. You said
find you food, and I did.

Now come on.
We're awful hungry. Here.

[GROANS]

Dad. Dad...

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, okay?

We thank thee, Lord,
for these, thy gifts...

and thy bounty
we are about to receive.

Amen.

Okay.

Rick.

Y-Yeah, Dad?

Mine's staring at me.

Mine-M-Mine too.

Dad, I need some real food.

Let's go home.

We can't go home.
We haven't got your Badger Paws.

Later for
the Badger Paws, Dad.

I want a Big Mac.

Ricky, I think you can survive
for five hours

without a Big Mac.

Badger Manual says

you can survive for
weeks in the woods without food.

Long as you got fresh water.

Goodness knows
we're wearing enough fresh water

to last the rest of our lives.

That's for sure.

What we need is something to
take our minds off our miseries.

Let's play a game.
What do you wanna play?

I don't care.

Well, I don't care, either.
Let's play 20 questions.

Fine.
Okay.

I'm thinking of, uh...

something animal.

Is it
a four-legged animal?

Yeah.

Do you find it on a farm?

Yeah.

Is it hot dog?
Hamburger? Hot Fudge--

Ricky.

You're not playing
the darn game.

I'm sick of the darn game.
I wanna eat.

Well, so do I.

And why is my leg
itching like this?

Mm-hmm.

Just like I thought.

The bush I fell on
back in the woods.

Stinging nettles.

While I was getting
your grasshopper.

It's a fine how-do-you-do.

So you were getting
my grasshopper?

That's right.

That was
your brill-iant idea.

It was not
my brill-iant idea.

It was his brill-iant idea.

Who is this jerk?

Colonel W. Morton Strathmore,
founder of the Badgers.

Yeah? Well,
he does have a big nose.

Dad, a Badger
never pokes fun

at another person's
body parts.

Well, I'm not a Badger,

and this guy
has the biggest honker

I've ever seen in my life.

Let's just forget
the whole thing, okay?

Yeah. Sure. Fine.

Wonder what he uses
for a handkerchief. A bedspread?

That's it. I'm going home.

No, you're not.

Why not?

Because we haven't got
your Badger Paws yet.

You can take
those Badger Paws

and shove 'em up
Colonel Strathmore's nose.

And why not?

There's plenty of room
up there.

Besides, I thought you
dragged me all the way up here

just to get those stupid paws.

Oh, so I dragged you
up here?

Yeah, that's right.

In other words...

you never wanted to go camping
in the first place?

Right again!

Dad, how come
this camping trip

didn't turn out
like I wanted it to?

I mean,
everything went wrong.

No campfire.

No fish, no cocoa,
no stars.

No nothing.

Rick, I had my own image

of what this camping trip
would be like.

Unfortunately,

it turned out
exactly the way I'd imagined.

[LAUGHING]

Aw, son,

everybody has perfect images

of the way they want things
to be, but...

sometimes, a lot of times,

things just don't turn out
the way we want them to.

There's even a word
to describe that.

What is it?

Life.

Aw, but even if things go badly,

you know, you can
almost always think back

and find something positive.

Yeah. Yeah,
I bet we could even

think about something positive
about this trip.

I bet we could.

BOTH: You first.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, um,
we survived a bear att*ck.

And we lived through
a terrible storm.

That's right.
And we had a great adventure.

You know
what the best part is?

What?

We did it together.

[LAUGHS]

Ha ha ha.

Thanks for making me
stick it out, Dad.

I-I really do want to
earn them Badger Paws.

Well, I want you
to have them Badger Paws.

I just thought
another good thing.

Hmm.

We learned from our mistakes.

We'll be more prepared
next time we go camping.

Yes, we will.

Next time?

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Takin' the time each day ♪

♪ To learn all about ♪

♪ Those things
You just can't buy ♪

♪ Two silver spoons together ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Together ♪