01x12 - Ed the Songwriter

[bunniefuu]

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪♪ [theme]

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

[humming a melody]

[phone rings]

Stay there, Wilbur. I'll get it.

[ringing]

Hello.

Hello, Mr. Post?

- Hmm?
- This is Paul Fenton.

- Just a minute.
- Thank you very much.

A Mr. Fenton.

Oh, thanks, Ed.

Yeah.

I ought to teach you shorthand.

[chuckles] I'd look
silly sitting on your lap.

Well, don't knock it.

Hello, this is Mr. Post.

I'm Paul Fenton.

I'm looking for an architect
to design my new house,

and my sister-in-law Kay
Addison recommended you.

- [humming]
- Kay? Well, that's
very nice of her.

Ed, quiet. This is important.

[groans]

When can we get
together, Mr. Fenton?

Can you meet me in my office
tomorrow morning at 10:00?

The address is 1040
North Sunset Boulevard.

- I got it.
- [humming]

Yeah, I'll see you
in the morning.

Thank you.

[continues humming]

Well, that...

It was nice of
Kay, wasn't it, huh?

Uh, buddy-boy.

Yeah?

How about some
oats for your secretary?

Okay.

[resumes humming]

[Mister Ed] Yeah.

[humming]

How about some more?
I'm a growing horse.

Uh-huh.

Keep pouring. [chuckles]

Oh, Kay, I want to thank
you for the recommendation.

Your brother-in-law called
me about his new house.

Oh, you'll love
Paul. He's a doll.

Kay, is this the brother-in-law

who owns that music
publishing company?

Publisher of such
immortal garbage as

I Call My Mother "Father"
'Cause I Never Had A Dad.

Oh, and that other
masterpiece of his...

I'm All Dressed Up
With A Hole In My Heart.

Well, that sold
over 200,000 copies.

What fool would
buy a thing like that?

Wilbur bought a copy for me.

Well, I... I got it free
with a pound of prunes.

When do you see Paul?

At 10:00 tomorrow morning.

Well, your bid, Kay, huh?

Could either of you gentlemen
tell me if Mr. Fenton is in?

Oh, he's in, man...
but he's gone.

I mean, way out, man. You dig?

Are you Post?

No, you must be
Post. Come on in.

Say, Mr. Fenton,

we've been on
ice here for a week.

Take five, boys.

Come in to my office, Post.

Kay's been saying some
wonderful things about you.

Musicians. Musicians.

Millions of musicians but
so few good songs, right?

- Well, I...
- Take a look at this, my biggest smash.

I'm All Dressed Up
With A Hole In My Heart.

Sentimental. Gets
you right in here.

I loved it.

Sold 200,000 records.

Boy, do I need
another hit like that one.

I brought some of
the sketches over

of the things that I've done.

You know, I thought
you might get some ideas.

Fine, fine, fine. I'll
take a look at them.

Roger Addison was
particularly fond of...

Roger Addison? Please,
don't mention that creep to me.

If Kay didn't wind
him up in the morning,

he'd run down at night.

Well, let's see
what we have here.

Ah, very interesting.

[humming Mister Ed's melody]

What's that?

- What?
- That tune you're humming,
what is it?

Well, I don't know, something
I must've heard somewhere.

Well, let's hear it again.

[clears throat]

[humming]

That's all I can remember.

Oh, that's a shame.

It's a mighty catchy tune.

Maybe it just
popped into my head.

Well, keep it popping, my boy.

It's inspirations like that

which gave us such
great classics as

Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie
Yellow Polka Dot Bikini.

Next to I'm All Dressed
Up With A Hole In My Heart,

that's my favorite.

Well, thank you very much.

What do you think
of the sketches?

What sketches?

Oh, yes, yes, those.

Well, let's take
a look at this one.

Uh... Oh.

- Try it again.
- What?

That tune... let's
hear it again.

Oh. [hums]

[droning loudly]

I wish you'd taken
up another instrument.

[drone winds down]

[sighing whine]

I happen to be Scottish, and
I'm very proud of the bagpipes.

Honey, you're so puffed up.

Maybe you'd better
rest your face a while.

You don't like the
bagpipes, do you?

Well... it sounds like
a cat yelling for help.

I'll overlook that.

Honey, Paul Fenton asked
me to try to remember this tune,

and sometimes when
you play an instrument,

a forgotten melody comes back.

I hate to say it,

but I think you're scaring
it away with that noise.

[doorbell rings.]

I'll get it.

Oh, hello, Paul.

Hi, Wilbur. I was just
passing by when I was...

Oh, vacuuming the house?

No, no, I'm trying to remember

the rest of that
little tune for you.

- Come on in, Paul.
- Oh, thanks very much.

Carol, this is Paul Fenton.
This is my wife, Carol.

- Hello, Mr. Fenton.
- My pleasure, Mrs. Post.

I just happen to be
in the neighborhood...

Well, not exactly in
the neighborhood...

About eight or ten
miles away, and I...

I thought I'd drop in.

Wilbur, I hope you
remember the rest of that tune.

It's been driving me mad.

Well, I'm trying to recapture
it with my bagpipes.

Is he going to
play it or milk it?

I'm not sure myself.

[wheezes]

[droning]

We thought your
horse was in pain.

Paul, doll.

Hi there, sister,

you great, big, gorgeous,
beautiful thing, you.

Uh, how are you, Sphinx?

Hello, Paul.

Come, Kay. We were just leaving.

No, no, no, stick around.
Be right back, Paul.

I want to get that
preliminary sketch for you.

[Carol] Kay.

Maybe you can help us
remember a certain tune.

What tune?

Well... that's the
trouble. We don't know.

Wilbur hummed a piece
in my office this morning

that has all the makings
of a great, big hit.

Just what the country needs...

Another record monstrosity.

Please, Roger, don't try to
tell me how to pick songs.

I very rarely miss.

Yeah? How about the time
you turned down Easter Parade?

That wasn't my fault.

I figured that song could be
good for only one day a year.

What about White Christmas?

I gave that one a week.

And don't mention
September Song,

or I may k*ll myself.

September Song.

[Mister Ed humming]

- Ed.
- Mm-hmm.

Where did you hear that?

Hear what?

That tune, the one
you were just humming.

Oh, that.

Just a little something
I composed once.

You wrote a song?

[chuckles] It wasn't Hoagie.

This is... This is great.

I've been trying to
remember that tune all day.

How does it go?

Give me an "A", Wilbur.

An "A", well...
[hums different notes]

[Mister Ed joins in]

[both humming various notes]

[humming same note]

[humming]

No, no, no, no, no.

There must be a middle
and an ending to this tune.

Let's try it again.

[humming]

You sound like three
wounded bumblebees.

Kay, can you give
me one good reason

why you married him?

I needed new shoes.

That's good enough.

Let's try it again.

[all humming]

I got it. I got it.

I remember the whole tune.

Well, let's hear it.
Well, l-l-let's hear it.

Something I made
up a long time ago.

- Wilbur.
- You made up a song?

It wasn't Hoagie.

I'll play it for you
on my bagpipes.

You'll excuse me.
It's getting late.

Wilbur, couldn't
you just hum it?

- Uh... Uh...
- I'll let you build me a bigger house.

- Okay.
- Good, let's hear it.

[hums melody]

Paul, don't be so impatient.

I'm trying to write
the words to this tune.

I'm working on it now.

Just a minute, he's
here. I'll ask him.

Paul wants to know if you want to
invest some money in his company.

He figures this song of mine is
going to be a hit, and he wants...

I don't think he's interested.

No. Look, I'll call you back

as soon as I finish the lyrics.

Okay, goodbye... Oh, Paul.

Say, how do you like
the plans for the house?

Thanks. Be seeing you.

[sighs]

[hums]

♪ Moon, June, spoon... ♪

♪ Gloom, saloon, spittoon ♪

Please. I'm trying to
write the lyrics for our tune.

"Our"? When did I
make you a partner?

I didn't know it was
so tough to write lyrics.

Why don't you use mine.

Please, Ed, I'm trying...

You wrote words for your tune?

If Gershwin could, why can't I?

Let's hear them.
What's the title?

Pretty Little Filly.

Pretty Little Filly. It's cute.

[chuckles] She thought so, too.

She?

The little filly I was
running around with

at the time.

Okay, Ed, let's hear the words.

Well, sound your "A".

Okay. [hums]

[Mister Ed groans]

Close enough.

I love it, Wilbur.
I love the title.

Pretty Little Filly.

Oh, it's great for
the teenagers.

Now, let me hear the lyrics.

The lyrics?

Sure, Paul.

He wants me to sing the lyrics.

Well, you'll ruin my song.

Better let me sing it.

Hello, Paul.

Look, there's a
friend of mine here.

He's going to sing it.

He's got a much
better voice than I have.

You listening?

- Good.
- [Mister Ed clears throat]

[clears throat]

♪ Got a date a little later ♪

♪ When the moon
is on the trail ♪

♪ With the cutest
triple-gaiter ♪

♪ My pretty little filly
with the ponytail ♪

That's great. It's
beautiful, just beautiful.

It can't miss.

It's got to be a hit,
Wilbur. It's got to be a hit.

Paul seems like
such a nice fellow.

Why doesn't Roger like him?

I don't think Addison's
ever forgiven him

for what he did at our wedding.

Oh? What was that?

Paul is very emotional,

and when the minister
pronounced us man and wife,

he rushed up and
kissed me before Addison.

But I think that's
terribly funny.

You do?

- Yes.
- [mutters]

Well, what's so funny, Carol?

Uh... Kay was just telling
me something funny

that happened to her
at the beauty parlor.

Good news! Good news!

I just gave Paul my lyrics,

and he says that
Pretty Little Filly

is going to be his first
big hit of the season.

That big loudmouth
couldn't be first at anything.

He was at your wedding.

Paul told me what
happened at the ceremony.

I hate a man who
kisses and tells.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Oh, yes, Paul.

What?

40-piece orchestra?

That's right.

I'm setting up a recording date.

Oh, and tell your friend
to keep himself available.

What friend?

The fellow with
the deep voice...

I want him to sing the song.

But does it have to be him?

Of course it has to be him.

He has just the right sound.

You don't understand, Wilbur.

He's the one who's
going to make us rich.

Now, doesn't that
make you happy?

Wilbur, say something.

[no sound]

No, no.

- Ed, stop saying no.
- No.

- Stop it.
- No.

Fenton wants the same
voice he heard on the phone

to make the record.

Did you tell him I'm a horse?

Not yet.

Well, let's keep it
that way, buddy-boy.

- But, Ed...
- You know I only talk in front of you.

I'm not asking you to talk.

I'm asking you to sing.

You're quibbling.

Look, I don't want
to pressure you, Ed,

but if you don't
make this record,

Fenton is liable to cancel
the deal to build his house.

Hi, fellows, is Mr. Fenton in?

Gee, man, I don't know.

We only been here a month.

- Wilbur, come on in.
- Thank you.

Won't be long, boys.

Now, now, now, sit down, Wilbur.

Make yourself comfortable.

What's it going to be, Wilbur,

something to eat? Drink?

I know, champagne.
I'll order the works.

My friend can't sing the song.

Operator, get...
Can't sing the song?

We'll have to get somebody else.

Wilbur, I don't
want anybody else.

I want the fellow
with the deep voice.

He's got a quality the
just fits Pretty Little Filly.

Well, I'm sorry, but
he isn't available.

Ah, he's out of town.

No, he's in my barn.

In that case,
we've got nothing...

He's in your barn?

Paul, my horse wrote the song.

Your horse wrote...
Ah, ah... [laughing]

What a sense of humor.

For a minute you had me fooled.

Your horse wrote the song.

What a gag.

Wait till I tell the boys
down at the club about this.

That's the funniest
thing I ever...

Wilbur, you're not laughing.

My horse really
did write the song.

Wilbur, I'll get
you a cold towel.

Look, he would tell you himself,

only he won't talk
to anybody but me.

He won't... The horse?

- He wrote the song?
- Yeah.

He wrote the lyrics, too?

He just sat down at the piano
and knocked off the tune?

The horse can't play the piano.

Of course not. His hooves
are too big to get on the keys.

- He has a harmonica.
- Wilbur, let's face it.

You don't want me
to have the song.

You want to sell it
to a bigger company.

That is not true.

Aha! I know what it
is. It's that Addison.

He's the one who's
responsible for this whole thing.

Instead of kissing
her at the wedding,

I should've sh*t him.

Paul, about the house...

Maybe you'd like to
get another architect.

Please, please,

how can I think about that now?

I still don't know why you
won't tell us who your singer is.

What's the difference?
He won't sing.

It's a shame.

I just talked to my sister

and she says that
Paul is just heartbroken.

Shake hands with
your new partner.

Partner?

That song of yours kept
running through my mind,

and I said to myself,
"This is going to be a hit.

I walked into Paul's
office and said,

"Now, Paul, forget about my
personal feeling towards you.

"This is business.

"This song of
Wilbur's can't miss,

and I want to get
in on the profits."

Well, he just looked at
me, wouldn't say a word,

just pocketed my check and...

Why are you all staring at me?

Come, doll. I'll make you
some cocoa and put you to bed.

But I don't want to go to bed.

You will after you
hear the news.

Well, we just lost a neighbor.

Oh, no, honey, don't say that.

Why, Roger is a
very intelligent man,

and when Kay explains
to him what happened...

[Roger] Oh, no!

What were you saying?

We just lost a neighbor.

Getting late.

We better turn in.

Oh, honey, look.

[Roger] Oh, that Fenton,

he just won't give up.

Wilbur...

[sighs]

Oh, it's useless.

Oh, Wilbur, please
talk to your friend.

Beg him to sing
Pretty Little Filly for us.

It's a bright song,
a happy song,

and the country could
use a little cheering up now.

Don't ask me. Ask him.

All right.

Still sticking to
the same old story.

Our country needs my
song, and you turn him down.

Me?

You Benedict Arnold.

You mean, you'll
sing Pretty Little Filly?

On one condition.

One condition? What is it?

Well, listen.

[whispering]

Morning, fellows.

No, no!

Don't jump!

What jump? I was just
fixing the Venetian blind.

Paul, I'm going to
record that song for you.

You?

Yeah. I'm the fellow
with the deep voice.

That was me you
heard on the phone.

Oh, come on, now,
Wilbur. A joke's a joke.

It's true.

It's just... when I
sing in front of people,

I get nervous, and my
voice changes completely,

sort of like Jekyll and Hyde.

Jekyll and Hyde?

Yeah, Jekyll sings high,
and Hyde is the low one.

Oh. Well, I tell
you what I'll do.

I'll get you a small
recording studio.

No, no, no, no, no studio.

We'll record in my barn.

Barn?

Yeah, the acoustics
are just great.

You did say barn?

Well, where am I going
to put the orchestra?

And no 40-piece orchestra.
Just a small combo.

Man, we've cut records in
some weird places before,

but this is the wildest.

Imagine, married to a man, and
I never even knew he could sing.

I was married to
Addison for ten years

before I found out he
could wiggle his ears.

Give us a wiggle, doll.

Oh... Here he comes.

Excuse me, friends.
It's show time.

[sighs]

Oh, uh... uh,
Wilbur... I... [groans]

Look, are you sure

you want that horse in
the same stall with you?

He's liable to make some noise.

- Well, I hope so.
- Hmm?

I mean, as a... He's
my good-luck piece.

- Oh?
- Four horseshoes?

All right, fellows, stand by.

All right, men, one, two...

[Mister Ed] ♪ Got a date ♪

♪ A little later ♪

♪ When the moon
is on the trail ♪

♪ With the cutest
triple-gaiter ♪

♪ My pretty little filly
with the ponytail ♪

♪ Got a bag of
oats to call with ♪

♪ Hay, I'd bring
her by the bale ♪

♪ Want to share a double stall ♪

♪ With the pretty little filly ♪

♪ With the ponytail ♪

♪ Gee, If she would just agree ♪

♪ She'd be mine today ♪

♪ But no matter when I ask ♪

♪ The answer's always,
"Nay, nay, nay, nay" ♪

♪ If she'd name
that day of wedlock ♪

♪ I would be
there without fail ♪

♪ Got the ring
made for her fetlock ♪

♪ My pretty little filly ♪

♪ With the pony ♪

♪ Tail ♪

[applauding]

♪ The pony ♪

♪ Tail ♪

[Mister Ed chuckling]

Well, Ed, what do
you think of our song?

[chuckles] It's a gasser.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪