03x04 - The Hazzardville Horror

[bunniefuu]

On the Dukes...

Luke is forced into a
fight he doesn't want.

I would rather lose this farm...

Than have, Luke her
go against his ideals.

Presenting the
Fight of the Century.

Hide your eyes.

For Luke, it's win the
fight or lose the barn.

Now, either you
gotta quit or fight.

It's a winner.

When the Duke boys are
moving this fast on a hot day...

you can just bet they're
headed for women or trouble...

or something wet and
cold at the Boars Nest.

What they don't know
is, at the Boars Nest...

Rosco is supervising...

the unloading of a
dandy old mirror...

that old Boss bought
to spiff up the place.

He's gonna bust something.

Put the end right down there.

Alright. Bring it
on around here.

Right there. Put
it right in here.

Set it right there.

It's beautiful.

Now with the boys moving fast

and that old mirror
moving slow...

I'm sure you got a pretty
good idea what's gonna happen.

Remember that things in
Hazzard ain't very predictable.

- This mirror...
- What?

What are you laughing at?

I'm serious. I'll arrest
you and put you in jail for...

Well, don't stand
there, you dipstick.

Will you move that mirror?

Isn't that the most beautiful
antique mirror you ever did see?

It's just a little
crooked there.

Rosco, Cletus.
Straighten that mirror up.

Cletus, a little to your left.

Boss, you mean my
left or to Cletus' left?

- You mean my left?
- You're right.

Cletus, it's my right and
your left, you dipstick.

Rosco, you, left.

No, I'm still here.

Just leave it the way it is.

It's crooked, Boss.

Boy, don't ever use them
two words in one breath again.

All you gotta do is lift up
the right-hand side, Boss.

Alright, if you want it
lifted up, do it yourself.

- Go on, Luke.
- Alright.

A little breathing
room here, boys.

Alright.

No problem.

Catfish, how much you
figure that mirror weighs?

I don't know, Billy Ray.

But it ain't less weight than
pounds on each end.

Take a mighty strong
boy to hold all that up.

That's just what I was thinking.

Why don't you
mosey on over there...

and see if you
can't set him up...

like we did with that
old who chalked out?

We could make a k*lling
in this jerkwater town.

Well, it sure is
big, but it's pretty.

Why don't we celebrate?

- Jimmy, fill this up for me?
- Not too full.

I think that's a good idea.

- I'd like to buy the first one.
- That's real social of you.

Think nothing of it.

A round of beer for
these hardworking boys.

And girls?

- To our new friend.
- Thank you.

Listen, Boss. I know this
mirror is an antique and all.

But how you gonna
make money off of it?

If your brain weren't
on permanent hold...

you'd realize that
anybody'd pay plenty...

just to have a look
into the same mirror...

that Gen. Robert E.
Lee was looking into...

while his dentist
worked on his choppers.

They would, wouldn't they?

We can charge at
least a dollar a look.

I gotta hand it to you,
Boss. You are a genius.

You can say that again.

- I gotta hand it to you...
- Just say the "genius" part.

Yeah, cheers.

This beer's flat. That's the
worst beer I've ever tasted.

- Mine tastes fine.
- Tastes just like usual.

You telling me I
don't know flat beer?

Now hold on.

All I'm saying is that my
beer tastes fine, that's all.

Yeah, mister. Maybe
it's just in your head.

- My head?
- Yeah. It happens sometimes.

How bout this?

Now it's on your head,
plowboy. How does it taste?

I don't enjoy fighting
without a good reason.

Okay, mister. Guess
that's reason enough.

You know, I think this
is what you had in mind.

Look at this. It's smithereens.

Yeah, it's a mess alright.

Boy, do you know how
much this mirror cost me...

and how much I was
gonna make from it?

I'm sorry, but
it ain't my fault.

Not your fault?

No. He was the puncher.
I was just the punchee.

And that's how you're gonna
stay. Punchee in the pokey...

till you figure out a
way to pay me back...

the $ , I laid
out for that mirror.

Rosco, you arrest him.

- For what?
- For disturbing the peace.

- Yours.
- Mine.

- For destruction of property.
- Yours.

Mine. And for
obstruction and prevention

of me making a pretty profit.

- Ours.
- Mine.

- Take him away.
- Get on. Don't talk to me.

That guy hits hard I think
we've picked a tough pigeon

- A boxing match?
- Just like the Ali-Norton fight.

Your boy against Catfish here.

What would I
want to do that for?

Mr. Catfish here, why, he
already whupped my boy.

Ain't you heard, "It don't
matter if you win or lose...

it's how you play the game"?

Yeah, I heard that.
Cletus, watch out.

Well, we play it for m-o-n-e-y.

Winner gets % of
the gate, the loser %.

What about them hot
dogs, popcorn, beer?

All that m-o-n-e-y?

The food is yours.

If you want to mess
around with concessions...

I'll even throw in gambling.

We got a deal?

- You got yourself a deal.
- Yes, sir.

I'm gonna make up
the contract. Catfish.

You better get
your boy in training.

Excuse me.

I don't know if you
should've done that.

Cletus, don't tell me
what I should have done.

Wasn't Luke Duke the
divisional boxing champion...

while he was in the Marines?

And don't he now owe me
$ , , which he ain't got?

Yeah, but I know Luke. He
ain't gonna fight for money.

He ain't gonna get
the money, I am.

That's right, Mr. Culpepper,
our usual setup.

Okay, now look.
I'll tell you what.

You rent some space
there for a training camp...

just to make it look good...

and get some place in town,
so all the folks can see you.

- I'll be down before the fight.
- Yes, sir.

Alright, sir. Bye-bye.

We got it made. See
you right soon. Bye.

We got it made, my boy.

- I know Luke ain't gonna fight.
- Cletus, hush up.

You're about to see a
example of high-level diplomacy.

Or, how to hornswoggle
somebody into doing something...

about which they
wanna say "no"...

but say "Maybe" and
they'll end up saying "Yeah."

HAZZARD GARAGE

Here you go. $ ,
$ , $ ... and $ .

Here's $ .

Now, we use the
garage for training.

$ ? Man, ain't you
heard about inflation?

That's not enough?
Then forget about it.

I will.

I'm gonna give you $
and that's my best offer.

Take it or leave it.

I'll take it. You got
yourself a place to train.

If you'd been nice, I'd
have let you have it for $ .

Well, I was prepared to go $ .

You're a real
wheeler-dealer, Billy Ray.

Thank you.

How's my favorite
prisoner today?

Everything
hunky-dory? You comfy?

- It's fine and dandy, Boss.
- That's good.

Though it is a little
chilly down here, ain't it?

Lucky for you I just happened
to be in the neighborhood...

- With a blanket?
- That's right.

Lucky for you I remembered
that you just love hoedown music.

- So you brought us a radio.
- Don't tell me...

you just happened to be in
the kitchen, so you baked us pie.

This pie is from my Lulu.

It's a low-calorie,
double praline,

chocolate fudge, banana chip.

Just what is it you want, Boss?

Want? Me? Whatever made
you think I want something?

Uncle Jesse told us to
beware of sneaks bearing gifts.

Well, you're right.

There is a little itty-bitty
thing you could do for me.

Actually, it's not for me. No.

It's something you could do

for all the good
folk around here.

Why don't you tell
me and Luke what it is

he can do for the
good folk around here?

Fight. Like in prizefighting.

Boss, who do you
want Luke to fight?

It don't matter, Bo. I
ain't fighting nobody.

My boxing career
is a thing of the past.

I tried to be nice to you, Luke.

I came all the way and
gave you all these goodies...

hoping that you'd
agree to fight.

I even thought of forgetting all
about them $ , you owe...

for breaking my poor
mirror. And now...

you can just cool your
heels in this cold cell.

And I'll get the money
out of your Uncle Jesse.

Wait a minute. Uncle Jesse
can't afford that, you know it.

Of course not. That's why I'm
gonna put a lien on his farm...

and sell it at auction.

Alright, you win.

Luke and me ain't about to
let Uncle Jesse lose that farm.

That's right. So where's
your fighting spirit, boy?

Your fighting American spirit?
You're American, ain't you?

Well, then fight in
the American way.

Fight for the
American mountains,

the American valleys...

and the green
American hills of home.

Fight for them simple American
folk who call you neighbor...

which you won't be no
more if I take your farm.

I can't do it.

The last time I was in the ring
was the Marine championships.

That guy was fast and big
and strong. Quick hands, man.

He was beating me up something
fierce. But then I got lucky.

I landed a right hand.
He never saw it coming.

He went down like
he was hit by a truck.

But he didn't get back up.

He was real strong, like
I said. He pulled through.

But I was scared to death I'd
k*lled a man for no good reason.

I can't do it.

$ , $ , $ ...

$ . There's your
bail. Go get my nephew.

Ain't nothing
personal about this.

I'm just doing my
job, Uncle Jesse.

I ain't your Uncle Jesse.

You did half your
job by putting him in...

now do the other
half and go get him.

Yes, sir.

It's not as if
you're getting paid.

You're just picking
a fight for nothing.

Sure as I'm sitting here,
Boss'll take this farm...

if you don't fight
that Catfish fellow.

Now, just hold it, you two.

I know you're talking in
my behalf, but I also know...

that there ain't
nothing that Luke here

wouldn't do for
me and this farm.

- We'll just find another way.
- There ain't no other way.

Boss said he wants a fight
we'll have to give it to him.

I guess I'll just have to fight
this Catfish fellow myself.

Bo, the guy is a professional.

He'll drop you
like a dirty shirt.

That may be.

I'm not about to sit here and
watch Uncle Jesse lose his farm.

No, sir. Over my
dead body, Luke.

Jesse, I can fight as
good as anybody...

Just sit down.

Yes, sir.

Now I ain't one for
fisticuffs and v*olence...

and fighting is violent.

I agree, Uncle Jesse,
but in this case...

I would rather lose
this farm than...

to have Luke here go against
his ideals and his principles.

We'll figure out another way.

Come on, girl.

I'm sorry, Luke. I guess
I owe you an apology.

Me, too. I'm sorry.

Thanks.

Ah, Daisy I shouldn't
have said any of that.

What else could you do?
We gotta do something.

- Hey, Bo.
- Yeah.

- Get on over here.
- Sure.

- You ever been a fight manager?
- No, I ain't.

Well, I ain't in no
position to be choosy.

I ain't about to stand and watch
Uncle Jesse lose his farm...

anymore than you are.

I got me a score to settle
with that Catfish guy.

That was just a lucky shot.

He'd never do that
again in a million years.

We got a lot of work to do.

Come on now, Catfish,
you're doing fine.

Let me get a little more
power out of that left.

Well, if nothing else
goes according to plan...

we still got your old
left hook there, Catfish.

Now I think old Luke has
done put his foot in a bear trap...

and we just heard it close.

That is the same contract
we used in fights.

Yeah, well, I'm just
checking the small print.

We got Catfish. We
don't need no small print.

Alright, everything
looks in order.

- Where do I sign?
- You just sign right here.

Alright. J. D. Hogg.

There it is. Signed,
sealed, and delivered.

- You signed where I signed.
- I signed by that "X"...

showing me where to sign.

That "X" isn't there
showing you where to sign.

It ain't? What is it then?

- That "X?"
- Yeah, that "X." What is it?

That is my John Hancock.

There's places in
this part of the South...

that are so
peaceful and quiet...

that a man can almost sit
and listen to his hair grow.

This ain't one of them places.

All this looks an
awful lot like work.

Now, I don't know about
y'all, but me, I prefer love.

, . Alright, Luke.

And if you're wondering why
Luke is sparring with Cooter...

Bo's the manager and
Jesse was doing chores.

And Daisy just did her nails.

Besides, Cooter rented
the garage to the opposition.

Cooter.

- You alright?
- Turn him over. Easy.

- Lift his head up, Luke.
- Better call Doc.

Call Doc.

I knew this would happen.

Minute I stepped
in, I had the feeling...

that I shouldn't have been
there with Cooter. That's for sure.

How is he, Doc?

He ought to be off his feet.

Doc, wait a minute.
Now, what's all this mean?

That's how come you're here.

Doc, go ahead. Tell
Luke Cooter's alright.

Right as rain. Only thing
hurting might be his pride.

Is there anything
we can do for him?

Yeah, there is.

One thing.

Just don't enter him
in the Golden Gloves.

- Thanks, Doc.
- Thanks a lot, Doc.

Well, he looks good to me.

Never did before, so Luke
helped you out, didn't he?

I'm sorry.

It ain't no joke. It
could've been serious.

Me and Cooter was lucky this
time. It just ain't gonna work.

Hey, Luke. If you're
thinking about not fighting...

about hanging up the gloves
on account of that, forget it.

This guy, Catfish, he's a pro.

That ain't gonna
happen with him.

You knock him out, it
won't be no accident.

How about we get
ready for our league?

Let's go do it.

I'll race you to town, Cooter.

Folks, I want you all to drop
whatever you're doing there...

and rivet yourselves up here.

And give me some
of your rapt attention.

Because, I am announcing now...

the Fight of the Century.

Luke Duke versus
"Catfish" Lee...

in Hazzard Square...

and both boys will be in person.

Now folks, take a seat.

Boss, who you talking to?
There ain't nobody here.

There will be when we open.
Just rehearsing, that's all.

- What you got there?
- They're from Cy.

He sent them from the smokehouse
for the hot dog concession.

Tastes like all meat.

He said they was.

You tell him this
ain't Confederate Day.

Half meat will do just fine.

Fine.

That all meat
tastes pretty good.

Now folks, there are
just a few seats left.

What you doing with that?

Here's a package that's from
Atlantic City, special delivery.

Yeah, I've been
waiting for this.

- What is that?
- It's an official...

"Hogg's, Fight of
the Century" T-shirt.

Yeah, that's a good one.

I'm gonna put this thing on.

Where's the head?

Yeah, put your
little fat arm in there.

Shut up.

Don't that look good?

HOGG'S FIGHT of the
CENTURY Handsome.

We're gonna sell
these shirts for $ ...

and they're only gonna cost
us -and-a-half cents each.

- Do we make a bundle.
- We're gonna make a bundle.

What's my cut?

You can have one of
these shirts all for your own.

Size small.

Today's the day, folks.

Your time to get your tickets
for the Fight of the Century.

Luke Duke fighting
"Catfish" Lee.

HOGG'S FIGHT OF THE CENTURY
LUKE DUKE vs CATFISH LEE

Old Boss sure don't
miss a trick, does he?

I wonder why he didn't
rename Hazzard Square...

Hogg Square Garden.

Come here first. Come here now.

There's gonna be a
total block-out of TV...

in this local area on...

Something to the effect that...

if the first party
of the fighters..

That don't show
up one half hour...

after starting time, then
all % of the money...

goes to the party of the
fighters who do show up.

That's the ticket. Take
care of that little contract.

That's the one that
gets us the money.

That's the one I like, baby.

That's like taking candy
from a baby. Again.

What all that means, friends,
is that if Luke don't show...

the Dukes lose the farm.

While this
skullduggery was afoot...

old Boss was
putting his feet inside.

TICKETS Come
on, don't be so dull.

I'd be happy to if
you want me to...

but I don't know
nothing about refereeing.

You don't have to know
nothing about refereeing.

The only thing you gotta know
is that Luke Duke wins, right?

I sure hope he wins, but...

Look, I got maybe half a pint
of Hogg blood in my veins...

but I can't believe you're
suggesting that I be dishonest.

There is no way I would
ever consider throwing a fight.

You just wasted
being my relative.

Come on, Uncle
Jesse. We gotta go.

I'll be right there.

Alright, Uncle Jesse. You go
ahead. Me and Bo'll catch up.

- You be careful.
- I'll be alright, don't worry.

- Keep that left up.
- I'll keep my left up.

- Keep jabbing.
- I'll keep jabbing. Now scoot.

Stay cool. Now, I don't
ant you to go through life...

feeling guilty just 'cause...

you knocked this guy
down a couple of times.

I've seen him. He's been
hit before, lot of times.

He's gonna be hit a
whole lot more tonight.

- You wanna do me a favor?
- Yeah.

- You knock out that guy.
- You got it.

- Get out of here.
- Come on, Daisy.

Hey, Uncle Jesse.

Come on, now. Put it down. Put
down your money here. That's it.

Step right up, folks,
come on, now. Crowd in.

Come on, now. Don't be bashful.
That's it. Look at them odds.

You can't lose on this deal.

Just look at him over there.

He's turned this whole
thing into a circus.

I wish Luke would get here
so we could get this over with.

- Come on, Bo.
- Coming. Be right there.

Would you like a
ride to the fight?

I already got a lift. Thanks.

It's not very
neighborly of you, son.

Come on, get in the car. Get in.

Alright, Luke. We've
got a fight to win, buddy.

Luke?

Luke!

Think we ought to give
them boys a call on the CB?

Jesse, what's keeping
that nephew of yours?

He'll be along, just don't you
worry. I'm gonna call him now.

If you wanna protect your
investment, come along.

Alright, we will. Rosco.

Bo and Luke, this is Shepherd.

Do you read me?

Bo here, Uncle Jesse.
Boy, am I glad you called.

It's getting kind of late,
boys. What's the holdup?

It's two guys in a brown
station wagon, that's the holdup.

They h*jacked Luke, and I
think they're heading for the river.

Alright, Bo, you
keep your eyes on him

and Rosco and
me'll be right there.

Yes, sir, Uncle
Jesse. Please hurry.

What kind of trick
are they trying to pull?

Not now, Rosco.
I ain't got time...

for your feet to catch
up with your brain.

Now, let's get going.

Wait.

Tell you one thing,
they're coming on fast.

I told you Bo and the General
will catch anything on wheels.

What if they don't have wheels?

Talk about hard luck.

I'll bet if it rains
soup right now,

the Dukes' bowl
will be upside down.

That's right. They
shot the tire clean out.

You get that tire fixed and
get back to Hazzard Square.

And keep them people cool.

Rosco and me, we'll
keep looking for Luke.

You get that, Rosco?

Now that's a big
- . Let's get going.

Flash, don't you just love
the excitement of police work?

I love it.

Ladies and gentlemen,
your attention please.

We're having just
a little delay, folks.

But it won't be long now.

So, while you're waiting, why
don't you just treat yourselves

to one of our juicy
all-beef hot dogs?

With plenty of mustard,
onions and piccalilli.

Where's your boy, Hogg?

Getting close to forfeit time.

Forfeit time? What
are you talking about?

It's like in the
contract you signed.

Your boy don't show
up, we get all the dough.

Can't you listen to reason?
We can do something, can't we?

I'll tell you what. I'll pick a
substitute. A one-armed man.

Or an old woman. Or me.

- You'll win in a walk.
- And take only %?

- No deal, Hogg.
- Yeah, but...

Looks like we got
us a tail, don't we?

Alright, this is Sheriff Rosco
P. Coltrane talking to you.

Now pull that vehicle
over and I'm not kidding.

Meanwhile, at the
Hazzard Square,

Daisy was holding
the crowd spellbound.

I'm serious now.

Pull that vehicle over.
Kidnapping is a federal offense.

They're coming
on a little too close.

We better get rid
of that evidence.

Slow down just a little bit.

It ain't us they're after, son,
it's you. Now come on, get out.

- What are you doing...
- Come on, now. Jump.

- Now.
- Right.

If that boy ever gets to
the fight, he's gonna be out.

Hey, wait. Sing it again.

- Boss.
- Sing it again!

Let's go.

Alright, Hogg. Cut the stalling.

You ain't supposed to talk while
singing, "Oh, say can you see."

Listen Hogg, if your
boy ain't here in exactly...

- It's Luke.
- He's alright.

- He's already been in a fight.
- What happened?

It seems that the competition
wanted to eliminate competition.

- You got money on this fight?
- Every penny in the cookie jar.

Here's the butter and egg money.
We're gonna really clean up.

What's he doing here?

I don't know, something
must have went wrong.

- We're really in a fix now.
- We ain't in no fix, he is.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Presenting the
Fight of the Century.

Brought to you by
yours truly, J. D. Hogg.

In this corner,
wearing blue trunks...

winner of
consecutive fights...

the ever popular "Catfish" Lee.

And in this corner,
wearing red trunks...

the pride of Hazzard
County, our own...

Luke Duke.

And now, let the fight begin.

Luke, Catfish, I want y'all to
listen up to these instructions

I got wrote down here...

'cause I don't want
nobody getting hurt.

You have the right
to remain silent.

No rabbit punches,
no hitting below the belt

no biting or kicking...

Rosco, as soon
as the fight starts...

we'll take the money
from the tickets

and the money from
the bets to my car.

- Got it?
- Got it.

Here you go.

What kind of mouthpiece is
that? Tastes like an old tire.

Well, that's what
I made it out of.

Luke, take a good shot at him.

Come on. Get him. Left.

Come on, Luke.

Damn. I don't like
this fight already.

I should've made
myself the referee.

Attaboy, Catfish. Keep moving.

Saved by the bell.

Impartially, of course.

Watch his right, will you?

I watch his right, he'll
k*ll me with his left.

Don't waste no more
time now, you hear?

We gotta get to that
meeting place with the money.

- You sure you're alright?
- Yeah.

Break it up.

You hit him any lower,
you're gonna bruise his knees.

I don't wanna see
any more of that.

Cover up.

- What's wrong with that boy?
- He ain't mad.

Then he better get mad.

The loser's share ain't nearly
enough to pay me what he owes.

That was right in the eye.

- You okay?
- Count, Cletus.

One, two, three...
four, five, six...

seven, eight.

Flash and me, we got the
money. It's really hard, you know?

Sure.

I think it's time you
went on the offensive.

I plan on doing that as soon
as I can come off the defensive.

I thought we were going
someplace. What are you doing?

You putting the
money in the trunk?

That's where no
one'll think to look for it.

I ain't taking no chances.

Go get him.

You don't really
have to worry about it.

Flash will keep his eyes on it.

Yeah, if he can keep
them open long enough.

Hang on, boy.

Dear God. Luke, get up.

One, two, three... four, five.

Old Luke better get it together.

Cletus ain't never
reached before.

Four, five, six, seven.

ROUND

- Luke, just say something.
- I'm fine.

This is crazy. Now listen to
me. I got a little money put away.

We could just borrow more
and I could pay J. D. Hogg off.

No. I ain't gonna lose
everything you worked

and saved all your life for.

I ain't gonna let you get your
brains beat out for nothing.

I know you're doing this for me
and you don't wanna hurt anybody

even that Catfish fellow, but
you can't have it both ways.

Now either you gotta quit
or fight. What's it gonna be?

Don't just stand
there. Move around.

One, two, three, four...

five, six, seven,
eight, nine, ten.

CATFISH LEE

Now that's what I call a
comeback. What's come over you?

I'll tell you the truth, Boss...

it's the thought of you
soaking in Grandma Duke's tub.

Alright, Rosco.

We'll get the money so
I can pay off the losers,

just as soon I open... Oh, no.

- I've been robbed.
- You've been robbed?

Cleaned out. All
the fight money.

- Did you hear that, Rosco?
- Yeah.

A g*ng of hoodlums robs me
clean while this mutt is sleeping.

And now he barks.

If this sleep-hound don't
soon learn the difference...

between the good
and the bad guys...

I'm gonna have you
both stuffed and mounted.

Stop, everybody. Hold
it, don't nobody move.

Stop, everybody.

What is it now, Boss?

It's my trunk. Clean
as a plucked chicken.

They stole every
penny of the fight money.

The money from
the tickets, beers.

You mean we don't
collect our winnings?

- What're you trying to pull?
- I ain't pulling nothing.

I had that money hidden in
my car so I could divvy it up...

after the fight, between
the winner and the loser.

Speaking of losers,
where are those guys?

Probably headed south
with our greenbacks.

What are you waiting for?

Me? It's your money, ain't it?

The money, which is now
$ , is what you owe me.

And with no money...

there'll be no payment and...

Feel up to it, Luke?

- Let's do it.
- Alright.

You guys take care.

What are we standing around
for? Let's join the search.

I've got a tow job
that I gotta go to.

But I'll keep the CB on, got
my ears out and my eyes peeled.

See y'all later.

Twenty minutes and
still not a sign of them.

They had too much
of a head start.

We don't even know
which way they went.

One thing's for sure,
they didn't head west.

That'll be the mountains.
Wouldn't make good time there.

That leaves north, south,
and east. Your choice.

Wait a minute. Didn't
Uncle Jesse say

"going south with
the greenbacks"?

That's it. It's
gotta be an omen.

When the folks of
Hazzard heard that Boss

couldn't pay off his debts...

they took it in
their usual stride.

Will you help me, you...

You let go of that.

Will you think of nothing.

Boss, these folks bet on Luke,
and they want their money.

Yeah, well, I ain't
got their money.

Well, tell them
that. Don't tell us.

Didn't I send you to
riot control school?

That's right.

That's a riot we got out there.
What are you gonna do in riots?

Flash. He went to riot school.

He'll know what to do.

Uncle Jesse, I
think you blew it.

COMMISSIONER HOGG
SAYS DRIVE CAREFULLY!

It's like trying to find a
needle in a haystack.

I be crazy but I ain't dumb.

Crazy Cooter coming
at you. Come on.

We read you,
Cooter, what you got?

I'm sorry I'd to split but I'd
to get Murphy out of a ditch.

Now listen in. I think
I just saw our boys.

They were sliding
south on Highway .

I'd help y'all but somebody
in this county's gotta work.

Go get them.

That's a big - , Cooter.
Much obliged for the bird-dogging.

"Heading south with the
greenbacks." It was an omen.

Next.

That's a big one.

Rosco, my hand is k*lling me.

- Here, I'll massage those fat...
- Get away.

I'm talking about all
these vowels I gotta write.

Haven't wrote so
many in my whole life.

- Vowels?
- Yeah, vowels.

You can forget the A and
E, I'm talking about the IOU.

Listen, Boss, don't
worry about that.

Soon as we get the money,
you can pay them all off.

You mean, if we get the money.

Hey, look up ahead
there, that's them, ain't it?

That sure looks like them.

- Stick with them now.
- I am. Watch this.

NO TRESPASSING
BUILDINGS TO BE DEMOLISHED

Get the money?
Where's the money?

It's in the back. The
Dukes are on our tail.

You mean they were
on our tail, come on.

- This area's condemned.
- That is an omen too, ain't it?

- This ain't the way, Bo.
- Thanks for telling me.

What are they up to now?

They're turning tail,
if they got any sense.

- I'm open to suggestions.
- Let's do J.D. a favor.

Take her back around.
Get as long a run as you can.

Stack, right, with the hay
on it? Pedal to the metal.

Hang on.

They ain't got any sense.
They're heading right for us.

Yeah? I'll take care of this.

- Mr. Culpepper.
- No.

Welcome to the Duke
Family Flying Circus.

That sure is one heck
of a mess, ain't it, Luke?

Don't look at me,
I wasn't driving.

Gentlemen.

Sorry about your barn.

This way. Go on.

Boss didn't make
a dime on the fight.

So many folks bet on Luke...

that all the ticket money
went for the house to pay off.

But he did make enough
on hot dogs and T-shirts...

to buy this antique mirror to
replace what Luke had busted.

How do you like this
big looking glass, folks?

And this one is worth more
than the one that got broken.

This one belonged to Gen.
Stonewall Jackson's tailor.

Ain't that a thing of beauty?

Oh, my, there's a
fly. Shoo, will ya?

Folks are gonna come
from miles around...

just to feast their eyes
and pay $ a head...

Now friends,
tell me he ain't..'..

He did.

In Hazzard County, I guess
some things are predictable.