03x13 - The Trouble with Grandfather

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

♪ Here we are Face to face ♪

♪ A couple of silver spoons ♪

♪ Hoping to find We're two of a kind ♪

♪ Making a go Making it grow ♪

♪ Together We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ Together Taking the time each day ♪

♪ To learn all about ♪

♪ Those things You just can't buy ♪

♪ Two silver spoons Together ♪

♪ You and I ♪ ♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I ♪ ♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I Together ♪

Boy, they sure ask a lot of questions

in these employment applications.

Yeah. Who did you put down as a reference?

You. Who did you put down?

You.

Aw... Aw...

Hi. Hi, guys.

Hi. How's Grandfather's party coming along?

Oh, great. We just came from the caterers'.

Kate wanted to serve Mexican, I wanted to serve French,

so we settled on Norwegian.

We're gonna have 18 different kinds of herring.

Who's the caterer?

Ming Chao.

What are you guys doing?

Now that we're real mature,

we feel that we're ready for an important job

with major responsibilities.

Yeah. We're gonna be Mel Steckler ushers.

How wonderful.

What's a Mel Steckler usher?

Kate, you've seen them.

They were at ball games, rock concerts,

and they wear those really noble uniforms.

Noble? They're bad.

Here, Dad. Here's a brochure.

"The few, the proud, the Mel Steckler ushers."

You know, being an usher isn't as glamorous as it sounds.

I was an usher back home in Columbus, Ohio,

at the Reveille Theater.

You didn't like it?

You're on your feet all day long,

and the bottom of your shoes were always sticking,

and you end up seeing the same movie over and over again.

I must have seen A Thousand Clowns a hundred times.

Gee, that's a hundred thousand clowns.

[DOORBELL RINGS] Well, that's Father.

As usual, right to the second. Wait, Dad.

Ready, Alfonso? Right.

Hello, everybody.

Hello, Father. KATE: Good morning.

Your coat, sir. Your hat.

Right this way, sir.

Watch your step, sir.

Your seat, sir.

Well, at long last,

receiving the deference and the respect

I so richly deserve.

That's not it, Grandfather.

We're practicing to be Mel Steckler ushers.

Yeah, Mel's real demanding, you know.

You might say Steckler's a stickler.

We're ready to get out into the world

and make some of that lean green.

We just about completed all the arrangements

for your library fundraiser party next week.

Sure you don't want me to hire the Renaissance Merrymakers?

You know, to wander through the crowd,

wearing their Old English costumes,

juggling, miming.

Spreading mirth.

No mirth spreading.

It might tarnish the unveiling of my monument.

My dream.

Is that your dream under your armpit?

Edward, would you do the honors please?

Of course. Let's see.

KATE: Oh!

"The Edward Stratton II Library of Business and Finance."

We are talking big bucks, Edward.

With this fundraising party,

I'm inviting into your house the cream of society.

Well, that's good, Father,

because we're having cream of herring soup.

On that occasion,

I want that choo choo train out of here

and in the roundhouse.

I want those crayons in their box.

And 86 the dummy.

Don't worry. Everything will be properly refined and sedate.

Do I have to be there?

What did you say?

Uh, do I get to be there?

Yes, my boy. You'll get to be there and so do you.

Thank you.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

EDWARD: Hi, Dexter. GRANDPA: Dexter.

RICKY: Hi, Dex. Hi, Uncle Dex.

Something the matter, Dexter?

I just heard some disturbing news on the radio

about Franklin Faversham.

What's the old coot done now?

Well, the old coot d*ed.

That's not possible.

Why, only yesterday he called me a fathead,

and I countered by calling him chicken lips.

It just happened a few minutes ago.

Apparently he was at the stock exchange

in the midst of a trade, he yelled, "Buy! Buy!"

Then he bought it.

Who is Faversham?

He was my father's lifelong business rival.

Started in 1926

when Mr. Stratton bought out Faversham Filters.

And we called it the Stratton Strainer.

Boy, did we put one over on him.

Father, it's hard to imagine you without Faversham.

It'd be like General Motors without Ford

or Harvard without Yale.

The Road Runner without Wile E. Coyote.

That's not fair. It's not fair.

You're really upset about this, aren't you?

Yes, I am.

I always hoped that I would see my library started

before he started his library.

Now it looks as though his groundbreaking will come

before me after all.

[PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC]

Hi.

How are you?

Kate. Yes, Edward.

I think my face fell asleep.

Where is your father? He's over an hour late.

Oh, I wouldn't worry about it, Kate.

I'm sure Dexter knows where he is.

Where is he?

Okay. The coast is clear.

Beeline to the buffet table.

Grab some chow and get back here

before somebody can pinch our cheeks.

That's impossible, Rick. We're too cute.

Wait, wait a minute.

What are we doing?

We are acting like children.

Grandfather wanted us at this party

because we're practically adults.

Let's act our age and mingle. Right.

Oh, there you are, you darling boys.

Where have you been?

We've been buffeting.

And mingling all over the place.

[EXCLAIMS, THEN LAUGHS]

Oh, Ambassador Mertz, yoo-hoo.

That woman is a menace.

What's the matter, Rick?

That woman pinching our cheeks like we're little kids.

Oh, it probably has nothing to do with age.

[PHONE RINGING]

Let's hope that's Father, huh? Ahem.

Hello.

Hello.

Yeah.

Yeah, who's this?

Oh, yeah, just a second.

Rick, it's for you. It's Mel Steckler Ushers.

Great, all right.

They only call you when you get the job.

No doubt about it.

[BOTH CLEARING THROATS]

Hello.

Mr. Stratton speaking.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Oh, bummers.

I mean, ahem, thank you.

What about Mr. Spears?

Aw, bummers.

Goodbye.

Rick. Yeah.

Well, either you didn't get the job

or you've been eating those herring eggrolls.

I've been hit hard, Dad.

I did both.

They said they really liked us

and we should come back when we're older.

Come back when we're older? That's the story of our lives.

If you wanna see a movie like Purple Rain,

you have to come back when you're older.

If you wanna drive a car,

you have to come back when you're older.

I'm surprised when I was born, somebody didn't tell me:

"Come back when you're older."

Rick, believe me,

you're gonna be a grown-up soon enough.

Ah, I remember when I was your age...

Forget it, son. I don't think

I can father my way out of this one.

Edward, people keep asking me where your father is.

I keep saying he'll be here.

I'm in danger of losing credibility.

Yeah, I know. He cares so much about that library,

I hope nothing's happened.

Maybe he's just being fashionably late

so he can make an entrance.

Hey-ho, guys and dolls.

I think this party's picking up.

What's happened to him?

Hello, Father.

I see you've brought a guest.

Yes.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention?

I think you've got it, Grandfather.

This is Dee Dee Driscoll,

my own personal selection

as spokesperson for Stratton Boot Company.

[WHOOPING] All right!

♪ Strap on a Stratton boot ♪

♪ 'Cause you really Give a hoot ♪

Whoo-wee!

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I didn't know you owned a boot company.

Ixnay for the ootsbay.

Did I do the yell wrong?

I don't think it went over too well.

Oh, it was beautiful.

I'm still hearing it.

I loved it.

Thank you, Eddie Two.

Eddie Two?

Yes, may I introduce, this is my son Edward Stratton III.

So you're Eddie Three.

I reckon.

And this is my son.

Don't tell me. Eddie Four.

No. No, Ricky One.

And I'm Alfonso.

That was a great yell.

You must have big lungs.

Want me to do it again?

Oh, no, no, no.

We don't want you to strain yourself.

Richard, why don't you and Alfonso

go to the herring bowl with Dudu.

That's Dee Dee. Dee Dee.

Sure.

Be my pleasure.

You're such a handsome little feller.

If only you were 50 years older.

Things are worse than I thought.

Father, I've never seen you like this.

Nor have I.

Sir, do you think it entirely appropriate

that you bring that cow person?

She is my main squeeze.

Are you feeling all right?

Never felt better.

After all, guys wanna have fun.

Where did you meet Dee Dee?

Oh, in a country Western bar known as the O.K. Corral Saloon.

Real rowdy.

Father, what were you doing in a place like that?

It's in the village.

Leisure village.

Greenwich Village.

Where I have my loft and where I do my sculpting.

Loft? Sculpt?

Wait a minute.

We're on Candid Camera, right?

We artists are accustomed to skepticism.

You may bring it in please.

Bring what in?

Is he on some sort of medication?

I don't think so.

Should he be?

What is it?

This, Ricky, is a statue.

I call it Dee Dee au Naturel.

I'm so embarrassed.

We're in the verge of a major scandal.

Hit it, Bernie.

It's absolutely unique.

She sure looks different when she's naturel.

Yeah, you've really captured her...

hat.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement.

Bernie, hit it.

As of this moment,

I am resigning as chairman of Stratton Industries.

What?

Now, people, let's party hearty. [WHOOPS]

[BERNIE PLAYING HOEDOWN ON VIOLIN]

♪ Dive for the oyster Dive for the clam ♪

♪ Get the old cat Get the old cat ♪

Richard, you did not dive for the clam.

It's hard to square-dance with just three people.

We need another person.

Madam...

would you care to allemande left?

I think not.

How about a little do-si-do?

Well, I never.

It's not too late to start!

Oh!

Thank you for a truly absurd evening.

Party pooper!

Hey, guys, that has champagne in it.

We know.

Here we go again, Alfonso.

[IN UNISON] Too young.

Father.

I think it's time you and I had a talk

about what's going on with you.

Well?

What's going on with you?

Well, I try to loosen up when I get loose.

I'm loose as a goose.

I see. Then that explains "Annie gets your heart" pills, huh?

Well, all my life, I wanted a hot babe.

A hot babe is one thing, but don't you think

relinquishing your entire empire was...

Nuts? With all due respect.

Well, you can write that down to midlife crisis.

At your age?

Well, when I was in midlife, they hadn't invented the crisis.

So I've gotta do it now.

[GUFFAWS]

Don't you think that you've gone a little too far too fast?

Well, I don't want to end like Faversham.

Faversham d*ed with his suit on.

For him, it's too late.

It's not too late for me.

Richard. Yeah.

Do you care to ride in my new Porsche?

Sure.

Dee Dee, I shall return.

Okay, Eddie Two!

[SQUAWKS]

You're very good.

She is so musical.

Don't worry, Edward.

He'll snap out of it.

Yeah. Maybe a drive around the block will quiet him down.

Sure.

[ENGINE REVVING]

[HARMONICA PLAYING BLUES]

Hey, pops, you didn't have to get all dressed up.

I left my sleazy clothes in the shop.

What are you in for?

Driving with an expired license.

Oh, yeah?

I'm in for grand theft auto,

extortion and fraud.

Did I mention my license expired in 1936?

Grandfather, I called Dad.

He'll be here as soon as he can bail you out.

You know, you guys are making me feel underdressed.

Richard...

see where I've ended.

See what a mess I've made of my life.

Oh, what wouldn't I give to be your age again.

Fourteen, it's no picnic.

You're barely old enough to do anything.

They won't even let me in a cell with you.

Richard...

don't be in such a hurry to grow up.

Let me tell you something about myself.

When I graduated from college,

I went to spend the summer in Paris.

[HARMONICA PLAYING]

Paris, in the '20s.

You can walk along boulevard Saint-Germain,

and there sitting in the sidewalk cafes,

at the tables were all the greats.

F. Scott, Zelda,

Hemingway, Picasso.

Me.

Is that when you started sculpting?

Yeah. Picasso said I'd make a great writer.

I was only trying to help with the mood.

[SIGHS]

Paris.

I was never so young as I was that summer.

Richard, enjoy your youth.

Savor it.

Take time to smell every rose.

For me, it may be too late.

Why?

You still got a nose.

Father, you've got a lot more in your heart

than I thought you had.

I get it.

You're three generations of maître d's.

Father, you tried to recapture too much.

You're throwing away everything

you spent a lifetime building up.

Why can't you have it both ways?

Ever since Faversham d*ed, there's no more challenge.

Well, I guess you're right.

I suppose, in that case,

you wouldn't be interested in hearing

how they've turned the company over to Faversham Junior, huh?

Not Skippy.

I guess you'd even be less interested

in hearing how Dexter overheard

this selfsame Skippy at the Princeton Club

talking about how he's gonna bring Stratton Industries

to its, and I quote, "knees," unquote.

I don't believe it. I'll ruin him.

Let me out of here! Let me out of here!

Screw!

Father, you have to promise me

you're gonna try to balance your life.

You can go back to business but still do some fun things.

I can still do my sculpting. I'm good at that.

Yeah, you are good. You're very good.

Isn't he, Dad?

Yeah. Very good. Very good.

Yeah, Picasso himself said he couldn't teach me a thing.

So Saturdays and Sundays you can sculpt...

And Mondays thru Fridays, you can ruin people.

Hey, I feel better already.

So do I.

I'm gonna appreciate and enjoy being 14.

Of course 14 would be better

if I can see a movie like Purple Rain and drive a car.

Richard.

Edward.

You know, you guys gave me an idea.

When I get out of here,

I'm gonna get a regular job, Monday thru Friday.

On Saturday and Sunday, I'm gonna ruin people.

♪ Together We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ Together Taking the time each day ♪

♪ To learn all about ♪

♪ Those things You just can't buy ♪

♪ Two silver spoons Together ♪