02x11 - Take My Wife, Please

[bunniefuu]

- Hi, Har.

Hi.

Hi, judge.

Harry, what are you doing? Trying to read that headline from across the room.

Having a little trouble with my eyes.

"Woman claims man from Jupiter fathered her child.

" I don't see any problem.

Yeah? Wait till she tries to collect child support.

I mean Harry's eyesight seems okay.

I've been getting headaches when I read a lot.

That's eyestrain.

You really should go to the doctor and have your eyes checked out.

Really? Most doctors can check them while they're still in.

- Harry.

- Get it? While they're still in.

Okay, okay.

Fine.

You know, just make light of it.

I hate to wolf and run but I've got an appointment with an eye doctor.

I knew you'd insist.

Sir? Sir? I need you to sign some papers here right away.

- Hi, Mac.

- Here, here and both places on this one.

- Just fine, thanks.

And you? - Oh, boffo, sir.

Now, here's your pen.

Well, that's enough chitchat for one day, I suppose.

What is this stuff, man? Oh, it's the usual red tape in duplicate and triplicate.

- Then it can wait.

- Oh, no way, Jack.

Uh I mean, uh, no way, Your Honor.

The last time I signed something without reading it I ended up buying three years' worth of carpet cleaning.

- But, sir - I have hardwood floors, Mac.

Sir, all it is is a declaration of financial non-liability and some kind of a form loyalty oath.

- For you? - No, no, for her.

Oh, I'm sorry, this is Quon Le Duc.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- And this is Judge Stone.

- The crazy one you told me about? Uh A little language barrier, sir.

You see, Quon Le is from Vietnam.

- I like your dress.

- Oh, thanks.

It's your basic black.

You know, no problem getting accessories or anything.

Sir, if you don't mind, we need these papers signed.

The folks in lmmigration are determined to bounce her out unless I'm able to get our paperwork squared away by midnight.

Midnight? Mac, this is a little sticky.

I mean, I don't even know the woman.

I'll vouch for her, sir.

I knew her family when I was back in Nam.

And you'll vouch that everything in there is true? On my mother's grave, sir.

Your mother's still alive, Mac.

Isn't that wonderful, sir? I don't think I wanna hear any more.

Oh, thank you, Your Honor.

You know, you are a real humanitarian.

Yeah, that's what the carpet salesman said too.

Come on, let's go.

Mac, got a second? - No, no.

- Come on.

I just wanna ask you a question.

- Where have you been hiding this one? - She's Quon Le Duc.

She's from Vietnam.

Vietnam? Hi, I'm Dan Fielding very possibly the next president of the United States.

Oh, yes, Dan Fielding, the animal painter.

Animal painter? Mac says you're the best bull artist in the city.

- He's too kind.

- We gotta run.

Bye.

- Hey, who's that girl? - Friend of Mac's.

She's cute, huh? She has a cute name too: Quon Le Duc.

Where I come from, "Duc" is a boy's name.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

No, no.

The name is Quon Le Duc.

No, no.

No K, just D-U-C.

Yes.

Right.

I know that the senator would wanna do all he can to help out since I'm a major contributor to his campaign.

Yes, this is Mr.

Xerox speaking.

Hello.

- Harry not back from the eye doctor, huh? - Nope.

The crowd is abuzz with anticipation.

That's wheezing.

Of course, I don't blame them.

I still get butterflies at the opening of every session.

In your stomach? Sure.

Where else would they be? Showtime.

All rise.

Thanks, Bull.

- Your Honor, everything okay? - Oh, fine.

Why don't you fellas come around to the front? Or that would be another solution.

- What's the matter with your eyes? - Nothing.

Just a routine exam.

Doctor put a few drops in my eyes to relax the muscles.

It's a common procedure.

The effects should wear off in a couple of hours.

Oh, a couple of hours? Well, great.

Maybe we should call a recess until, say, oh midnight.

Mac, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm gonna be just fine.

Now, I know you have a lot on your mind but I really think the best thing is just to call the first case.

Eugene Sleighbough, attempted burglary.

The people acknowledge that there may be a special circumstance where Mr.

Sleighbough is concerned.

- Special in what way? - I'm invisible.

Who said that? See what I mean? Your Honor, that was my client speaking.

He believes that he's invisible to other humans.

- Is that so, Mr.

Sleighbough? - You can't see me, can you? Oh, well, certainly I can.

Oh.

Okay.

How many fingers am I holding up? There better not be just one.

- Hello.

- Was that a phone? Amazing how the other senses take over, isn't it? Yeah.

Well, I understand.

Mm-hm.

- Mac, we are trying to conduct a trial here.

- Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but it's about Quon Le.

I got some people working on the problem, and I'm just about out of time.

Mac, I sympathize.

Really, I do.

But I'm gonna have to ask you to silence the bell on that phone.

If I turn off the bell, how am I gonna know when important calls are coming in? You'll think of something.

Yes, sir.

- Now, to the matter at hand.

- Hello.

Well, rather than wasting time reading all this perhaps the prosecutor could summarize the proceeding.

Hello.

Mac, cease and desist.

- Yes, sir.

Mr.

Prosecutor.

Yes, Your Honor, it seems as though that Mr.

Sleighbough tried to take advantage of his condition by robbing a fifth-story apartment in the middle of the afternoon.

Yeah.

It's perfect for me.

See, I can slip in and out completely unnoticed.

Except for the several hundred people who saw you inching along the ledge.

Ah.

That was probably a fluke.

See, they probably used some kind of heat-sensing device.

Yes.

It's called sunlight.

Your Honor, if I may, it seems to me th My client is having a little problem with reality.

Don't! Mr.

Sleighbough, when did you first discover you had this talent to become invisible? - Well, it came on sort of gradual.

See, at first, I was just boring, but then I became inconspicuous.

- Oh.

- I'd be waiting in a doctor's office or a restaurant or a barbershop, you know, whatever, and, finally, they'd say: "Oh, I didn't see you there.

" That's when it first began to take hold.

- And now? - I'm fully invisible.

I can be standing on a corner yelling and waving my arms cabbies, they go right by, never even notice me.

In New York City, imagine that.

Miss Young, does your client have any priors? No, Your Honor, but it's right there in the arresting officer's report.

Ah.

Yes, which I should have here.

- Mac? - He's not at his desk, Your Honor.

- Well, where is he? - I'll go out on a limb and say elsewhere.

Someone go out and find him.

A fella can't disappear whenever he wants to.

You wanna bet? Other than you, Mr.

Sleighbough.

Would the attorneys approach the bench for a little huddle, please? Ooh.

If there's no objection, I'm gonna hold this one over for a psychiatric evaluation.

- Mr.

Prosecutor? - The house of gaga it is, Your Honor.

All right, then.

- You looking for me, sir? Mac? To your right, 3 o'clock high.

Mac, I think you owe this court an explanation.

Why did you leave? I had to, sir.

- Well, where did you go? Oh.

- Down the hall.

- To Judge Cramer's office.

- Oh? I got married.

Oh.

Married? - Uh-huh.

- To Quon Le? - Uh-huh.

- Just now? Uh-huh.

- Mac, I don't know what to say.

- Well, I do.

What are you, nuts? So So you're married, you old son of a g*n.

- Never thought I'd see the day.

- Yeah, me neither.

Ha, ha.

I screwed up bad, Harry.

Kind of overwhelmed by the sentiment, are you? But, Harry, I was desperate.

Her paperwork wasn't gonna clear until Wednesday and she didn't have until Wednesday.

Ah.

So you just married her so she could stay.

Well, of course.

But Quon Le doesn't know that.

- Whew.

I smell a merry little mix-up here.

- It happened so fast she didn't know what the hell was going on.

She thinks I did it because I loved her.

What was she thinking? - I don't know.

- Where is she now? Out in the hall, worshipping the ground I walk on.

- You are gonna straighten this out with her? - Well, of course.

- Now? - Oh, sir, on her wedding day? Is something the matter? What's the matter, man? A little wedding-night pressure? - Dan - Now, listen, listen.

There's no reason to go for the gold right away.

Relax.

Think bronze.

Oh, Mac.

Mac, this is the happiest day of my life.

They don't get any better, honey, that's for sure.

- Mac, are you feeling as good as I am? - Heh.

Well, let me try to explain what I'm feeling, Quon Le.

You see, um, marriage is like Sports metaphor.

- The giant slalom.

Told you.

The wedding day is the starting gate, and the rest is 90 miles an hour downhill.

You understand? We're going to Lake Placid for our honeymoon? - No, no, that's not exactly what l - Oh, boy, snow.

I've never seen snow.

It's wet, and it's dirty, and little children eat it for fun.

Oh.

- Mac, perhaps if you got to the point.

- What point, Mac? Quon Le - Quon Le, we're not going to Lake Placid.

- Oh, that's okay, Mac.

How about Kansas? Too crowded now.

It's the high season.

Quon Le Hey, hey, I got a great idea.

What say we all go out after work have some beer, sandwiches, and celebrate and then me and you can come back here and file for divorce? - Divorce? You've been married 10 minutes.

- Nothing lasts forever.

Mac, why you say this to me now? Quon Le, now, you know I only married you so you could stay in this country.

- You did? - Sure.

It'll take about a week to file your papers, and then you'll be safe.

We get a divorce, and lmmigration is none the wiser.

Mac, there is a judge in this room.

Oh, you're blind, sir.

You can't swear that it's me.

By golly, you're right.

Mac, didn't you tell her why you were marrying her? - Well - There really wasn't much time to tell her.

Well, no Time? How much time do you need to tell somebody why you're marrying them? - You need - It's not that simple.

I mean, there was something else pretty important at stake.

- Yes.

Yes, it - Oh, yeah? Well, what's more important than a broken heart? Well, tell her.

You don't love me.

Well, not in the sense of matrimony-type love, no.

But I loved you enough as a human being that I wanted to help.

So that is the only reason you married me? Because I am a human being? I had a couple of husbands who didn't meet that standard.

It was the only way I could keep you in this country.

If that's all it was, I'd rather have gone back.

Yoo-hoo.

Gotcha.

These candid sh*ts are great for weddings.

You violated me.

- I what? - Hold that pose.

Marriage is something that is sacred to me and my people.

It is not permitted to play with someone's heart in this way.

Could you two get a little closer? - Hey, I didn't play with anybody's heart.

Perfect.

Bull, this is really not the time to be I felt that.

- Look, look, we'll figure something out.

- No.

There is only one way out.

As is the ancient custom of the one who has been dishonored I will starve myself to death.

I'd better go cancel that cake, then.

- Now, Quon Le, starving yourself is - Leave me alone, you You lying heartbreaker, you.

Quon Le, wait.

Oh, boy, I feel so sorry for her.

Yeah.

They both must be pretty torn up inside.

It's not easy, I can tell you that.

I know.

I've been there myself.

You were married? Same sort of thing.

Just briefly.

Dan, I never knew that about you.

Yeah.

It was a gambling cruise to the Bahamas.

Her name was Kimberly something.

I gave the cabin steward 10 bucks to marry us, and she fell for it.

But it still hurts.

Quon Le? Quon Le? You, uh, working up an appetite? Go away.

I am making peace with myself.

- You wanna do it over dinner? - No.

There is nothing for you to do but wait for me to die of starvation.

Oh, Quon Le, please, look at me.

I thought you understood that the whole marriage was just a subterfuge.

- What is that? - Well, it means a kind of an evasion.

No, that.

Oooh.

Sleighbough, would you get out of here? How do you know it's Sleighbough? All the other invisible guys went home.

Oh, really? Yeah.

Now come on.

You're going back with the nice guard and wait for the ambulance.

- Uh You gotta catch me first.

- That was a lucky grab.

Yeah.

Hey, guards? Guards, here, get him.

Oooh.

Now, Quon Le Quon Le, now, wait a minute.

This is crazy.

Now, you can't keep running away.

I'm sorry if you thought the wedding meant more than it did.

You should have told me.

- Well, I thought you understood.

- I thought you understood.

Understood what? When I was a young girl in Vietnam you were the only man I had to look up to.

- Well, what were you, 10, 12? - Something like that.

But even then, I knew you were special.

Oh.

All I did was help your family out a little.

Yes, and you were helpful.

And kind.

And fun.

And compassionate.

- And I fell in love with you.

- Heh-heh-heh.

You did what? Of course, when a man like you comes into a girl's life it's only natural to fall in love.

Isn't it? Mac? - He's over here.

Mac? Good news.

I talked to a friend at lmmigration.

He said you can get your marriage annulled no problem.

Say, that is great news.

Quon Le, annulment means that the marriage never existed you were not dishonored, and you don't have to starve yourself.

I'm sorry, guys, it's the best we could do.

This means I have to go back, doesn't it? Yeah.

Well not necessarily.

Oh.

If you, uh If you wanna stay married.

Heh.

I cannot be married with someone who does not love me.

You can't go back.

The new regime will peg you as a spy.

They'll haul you in and take your fingerprints and maybe even your fingers.

He missed romantic by that much.

- Still, you don't want me.

- I never said that.

- But you said - I don't know you.

I mean, I know who you are, but not what you are.

I didn't know you were a vegetarian.

I don't know what your favorite color is, or if the bottom of your feet are ticklish.

Mine are.

I didn't know what you thought of me until a couple minutes ago.

But, for whatever it's worth I would like to know you.

You mean, if we stay married, there's a chance? We can go out for dinner, yeah.

- And then? - Well, who knows? But knowing someone has to come first.

Until then love can't even start to happen.

I will take that chance.

But, now, if it doesn't work out I don't want you to starve yourself to death, you understand? Yeah, well, I kind of exaggerated that part a little.

Starving is not a custom, is it? When I get dishonored, I eat like a pig.

Cheers.

Cheers.

- Thanks for the reception, Your Honor.

- Oh, it's my pleasure.

So now that you're married, what are your plans? Well, we're going to lunch together next Friday.

Going Dutch.

Well, isn't that detached? Well, you know what they say: "Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.

" Ha-ha-ha.

That didn't hurt.

That did.

Guys, I got good news.

My eyes are starting to focus and I can see again.

Gotcha.

Yeah, you did.

Oh, my goodness.

I'm late for my job at the vegetable mart.

Oh, and I gotta get to the bowling tournament.

We're having quarter finals tonight.

Kind of tugs at your heartstrings, doesn't it? Well, goodbye, everybody.

So long.

Bye.

I'll, uh, see you around.

See you, Mac.

- Thanks.

- Oh, sure.

Come on, I'll walk you towards the subway.

Yeah, Judge Stone.

Oh, yes, I certainly remember you, Mr.

Sleighbough, yes.

Huh? No, I don't think What? Sleighbough, where are you calling from? Come on, g*ng, he's on the loose again.

Psychiatric didn't come to claim him? Apparently not.

He said he finally realized why we were able to see him before.

- Oh.

Why? - Because he had clothes on.

Quick impression: Claude Rains standing.

No.