01x11 - 'Tis the Season

[bunniefuu]

[???]

So how do you know
these kids, judge?

I'm on the board of directors of
the Riverside Children's Home.

Every year, I like to make sure
the kids who didn't get adopted

get a Christmas dinner
and presents from Santa Claus.

You've got a warm heart, judge.

I like to do it.

I also like sending people
up the river.

What a strange and wonderful
creature I am.

Well, I see the presents,
and I'm gonna make dinner,

but where's Santa?

Don't you point
that smile at me.

Klawicki.
Repeat this three times.

Ho.

I told ya, we should've looked
for a tree two weeks ago,

but no, you wanna wait till
the last minute

then we're at the mercy
of Christmas tree scalpers.

I'm supposed
to be Santa Claus.

No, really?

That would've been
my second guess

right after
Wilford Brimley.

You know, I always loved
this time of year

even when it was just me.

But, this is our first
Christmas with Nicole.

We can sit around a fire,
we can roast chestnuts.

This is going to make us
like a real family.

You're not gonna sing now,
are you?

Hi, I'm home.

Hey, Nick, hey,
you're just in time

to help us
decorate this tree.

Oh, no,
you guys go ahead.

I've got a ton of schoolwork.
Hey, what are you talking about?

Come on,
it's winter vacation.

You don't have to go back
to school for two weeks

and everybody knows
you don't do this stuff

until the last minute anyway.

Good advice
from a father.

Oh, sorry, I forgot
I'm on the other side now.

Anyway, Nicole, that looks like
an awful lot of homework.

How are you supposed
to enjoy the holidays?

We weren't assigned
any homework.

I requested it.

It's all
extra credit.

If I start working now,
and I work every day,

I can finish up right
before school starts again.

Why would you want
schoolwork over Christmas?

We were kind of hoping you'd be
enjoying the holidays with us.

Oh, you mean you guys believe
in all that stuff?

Don't you?

Nah. I've pretty much
outgrown it.

Well, I'm going to go
upstairs now.

I hope you didn't
decorate the loft

or actually
buy me anything.

You believe that?

Not for a second.

What are we supposed
to do with him?

[???]

NICOLE:
This is me, Nicole Bradford.

Cute, huh?

This is my Dad.
And this is my Dad.

How'd I get two dads?
They inherited me.

Congratulations.
It's a girl.

Here's the judge
who brought us together.

She lives in our building.
My building. I own it.

NICOLE:
we're one big happy family,

with one dad
who's down-to-earth,

and one dad with his head
in the clouds.

I-- I think we're
father of the year.

? You can count on me
No matter what you do ?

? You can count on me
No matter where you go ?

? I'm standing by your side
I'll be right behind ?

? No one loves you
More than I do ?

? Put your hand in mine ?

? You can count on me
No matter what you do ?

? You can count on me
No matter where you go ?

? You can count on me ?

[???]

Nick?
Can we talk to you for a minute?

NICOLE:
taking some of this stuff down.

Look, I know I have no right
to tell you guys not

to string up lights
and frost the windows in here,

but would it be okay if
we left my room out of it?

Sure, we just thought maybe
you'd like--

No, wait a minute.
Joey worked real hard

because he thought
you'd appreciate it.

Hey, that's okay,
Michael.

I guess this stuff
looks dumb in here too.

I don't mind
taking it down.

Wait, wait a minute,
don't take anything down.

Nicole, what is
bothering you?

Nothing.

What is it? You feel like
we're treating you like a kid

by making a big deal
out of the holidays?

We don't have to make a big deal
if you don't want to.

Wait a minute.
Yes, we do.

Nicole, this is the first time
we've spent this season together

and we're not exactly sure
how to celebrate it,

maybe we should all tell
each other what we're used to.

Why don't you tell us about some
of your favorite Christmases?

Okay, here's
a holiday memory.

I used to run downstairs to see
if my parents bought me a horse.

I was years old,
and I wanted a horse really bad.

I used to tiptoe down
the stairs in my pajamas,

open up the basement door
and fully expect

to see a horse
to come out.

But I never got a horse.

I got a cat once.

I named it Flicka,
I sat on it, and it ran away.

How 'bout you, Joe?

[LAUGHING]
Me?

Well, uh, you know,
I came from a big family.

so I have a lot of brothers
and sisters so there wasn't

always a lot of money
for gifts.

So that was when
I was growing up.

And my mother
was always pregnant.

So we'd get little gifts,
mostly because Dad

said, "The big gift is gonna be
your new brother or sister."

Which kind of explains why
we all resented each other.

In fact, in fact, one time
my older sister traded me

to her girlfriend
for Barbie's Dreamhouse.

Your turn, Nicole.

My turn what?

Well, your turn to tell us
how you used to spend

the holidays
with your mother--

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

You know what?

You know what
is very interesting?

It's an interesting fact.
In Australia...

In Australia,
our neighbors down under,

they, uh, when they
celebrate Christmas

it's in the middle
of the summer.

The middle of the summer,
it's all screwed up.

The whole place is screwed up,

so it's not even the same day.

What the hell
are you talking about?

May I start
my homework now?

Of course you can.

[SIGHS]
Merry Christmas.

Happy New Year.

And to you.

We are so selfish.

Because we want our daughter
to celebrate Christmas?

Shush, Joe.

We were so excited about
Nicole spending her

first Christmas with us,
we never stopped to think

who it's her first
Christmas without.

Oh. Her mother.

Marcy.

Of course she doesn't want
to be celebrating.

She just wants it
to go away.

How can she be excited about
spending Christmas

with her new fathers
when she hasn't had

the chance to get over
the loss of her mother?

Where are you going?

We've got to talk to her.

Yes, yes, certainly,
talking is good.

However in light of Nicole's
current fragile emotional state,

a tactful approach
is what's called for here,

and perhaps that
is best accomplished not

by both of us storming in there,
but by only one of us,

and that person should be
the one who will handle this

with the most delicacy
and give it the most thought.

I understand.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]
JOEY: Hey, Nick?

Come in.

Hey, what are you
studying?

Science.
Science.

Absolutely my worst subject
in my entire school career.

You should talk
to Michael about science,

you know, because he was
a wiz, but sometimes

he let me cheat off him
in school.

That's kind of how
we got to know each other.

But that's another story.

Hey, don't you
ever cheat in school.

Hey, you don't learn anything,
you usually get caught...

unless you're me.

I promise not
to cheat in school.

Thanks. Hey, can you make me one
other little promise?

What?

Can you please be happy?

Can you-- Can you enjoy
these happy holidays?

It's the first time
we're all together.

It's our first Christmas.

I mean, it's a wonderful time
you know, maybe if we enjoyed

this wonderful time together,
maybe that will help you

put some of the-- Some of
the sad things behind you.

What sad things
are you talking about?

Well, you know,
your mom and, uh...

you missing her
and her not being here.

You want me
to put that behind me?

No, I want you to be happy.

Okay, that's all
I ever want for you.

You want me to put
my mother behind me?

Nah, that's not what
I meant. I said that--

You said that my mother
was a sad thing,

and I should forget her
and have fun.

No.

I love my mother.
I miss her.

We had the best Christmases
together, just us.

I don't feel like having fun,

and I don't want to forget
Christmas with my mother.

Hey, I'm sorry, Nick.

I didn't-- That's not
what I meant.

It didn't come out
the way I meant it.

I wouldn't hurt you for anything
in the world, you know that.

Come on, what can I do
to make you feel better?

You can just let me
do my science.

But don't--
Please.

[???]

So?

Well you know, I love that
little girl more than anything

I've ever loved in my life,
and more than anything

I'm ever going
to love in my life.

So how could I be
such a terrible father?

Hey, Michael, remember
what you said about how

it should be the sensitive,

tactful one who should
talk to Nicole?

Well, you were wrong.

It should have been you.

Live and learn, Joe.

I feel awful.

I went up there to cheer her up,
I made her feel worse.

What am I good for?

There's always those items on
the top shelf I can never reach.

Yeah, that's about it too.

Wait, wait, wait, Joe,
you're not playing this right.

That was a cheap sh*t.
Now it's your turn.

Come on. Come on.

Look, I appreciate
what you're trying to do.

But what's the use?
I'm not a good father.

This is harder than I thought
it was gonna be.

If I was a good father,
I'd know how to handle this.

Joe, this is not you.

You are not the self-doubting,
melancholy type.

I've always handled that.

And I've always relied on you

to be the optimistic,
raving lunatic that you are.

Come on, snap out
of it, will you?

You're depressing me.
Come on.

Stop.

You're really bad.

Listen, you, you were
the one who convinced me

we could be
Nicole's father.

If it weren't for you,
we never would've tried,

so don't be pensive about this,
okay, Joe, because that's me,

and if you're gonna be me
then I gotta be you

and nobody wants that.

My little girl is up there
in her room in pain,

and I don't know
what to do about it.

I'll talk to Nicole.

I'll fix it.

Great, 'cause what she needs
right now is you.

What she doesn't need
right now is me.

Ho, ho, ho.

Next.

What's your name?

Jesse.

How old are you?
Eight.

So, what do you want Santa
to bring you for Christmas?

I want a telescope and one
of those big maps of the galaxy

so I know where
all the stars are.

You like football?

It's okay.

Here's a football.
Merry Christmas.

Ho, ho, ho.
Next.

Klawicki has
a very simple philosophy

of Christmas gift-giving.

Boys get footballs.

Girls get pink footballs.

Joey, lighten up.
You're depressing the orphans.

Judge, you gave me Nicole.
You must've had a reason.

What did you see in me?

I saw a guy who took one look
at his new daughter

and said, "Yeah, I'll change
my whole life around for her."

I saw a guy who could
make Nicole happy.

You screwed up, judge.

[SIGHS]

Nicole misses her mother?

Yeah, and Michael's
up there straightening

the whole thing out,
cleaning up after me as usual.

Michael is
the real parent.

Well, you're one
for two, judge.

Drink your egg nog.

Hey, judge, when you gave
Nicole to me,

what were you thinking?

You too?
What happened?

Joe, I didn't even
get half as far as you did.

I didn't get out
a complete sentence.

I said, "Honey, can we ta-- "
and before I could say "alk,"

there was a door
swung into my nose.

Judge, what do you think
we should do?

I don't know.

No, come on.

You really don't know?

Nope.

Come on, what are you
talking about?

I always thought
of this as like a test.

Nicole's got a problem,
we try to figure out

the answer ourselves,
if we can't, we look to the back

of the book
and there you are.

Sorry.

This has all
been a sham?

You mean we've been
raising Nicole ourselves?

Merry Christmas.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hold that wish.
Santa's gotta take this call.

Klawicki's.
Santa speaking.

Patti Ann.

Where are you?

You're kidding.

Well, I'll be right there.

Don't move.

Okay. Bye-bye.

What a yuletide surprise.

My sister's at the airport.
She came to visit me.

I got to go
get her right now.

[KIDS GROAN]

Santa, don't you have
things to do here?

Can't your sister
take a taxi?

She's just a kid.
She's from a small town.

She's in a huge airport.

The Hare Krishna will
eat her for lunch.

Klawicki.
What about the kids?

Okay, okay.

Here you go, kid, this is one
of Santa's little helpers.

Look, he's got a beard
and everything.

You tell him
what you want.

Give her one
of the pink footballs.

Go ahead, Joe.

Ho, ho, ho.

[CHUCKLES]

What's your name?

Debby.

And what would you like
for Christmas, Debby?

Are you really
Santa's helper?

JOEY:
Yeah.

Aren't you kind
of tall for an elf?

Well, it's the busy
season, you know,

I'm sort of
a temporary elf.

When he becomes a permanent elf,
they're gonna make him shorter.

Good, 'cause I want to make sure
I'm not talking to some flunky.

No, he definitely
has Santa's ear.

Can Santa talk
to angels?

Well, I could find out.

Any particular angels?

My parents.

What would you like
Santa to tell them?

That I'm getting new parents,
and I'm sorry.

What are you sorry about?

That I can't talk
to my parents anymore,

and I want Santa to tell them
that I'll never forget them

even though
I'm getting new ones.

[???]

Okay.

I'm gonna give Santa
the message,

and I'm sure he'll get it
Thanks.

And I hope you get
the permanent job.

I think I'll keep
the old permanent job.

[???]

Did you find anything that could
pass for a Christmas tree?

Just this.

Whoa.

Where did you get that?

I got it at the grocery store
down the street.

We gotta have it
Why?

The grocery store
don't know it's gone.

I see.

You got our present
Yes, I do.

Hey, Nick, could you come
down here?

What is it?

JOEY:
take a minute, sweetheart.

Where'd you get the tree?

Don't ask.

Hey, we got you a bunch
of presents,

but you don't have
to open them now.

However, there is someone who
gave us a wonderful gift,

and we got her something
as a thank-you.

But she couldn't be here,
so we were wondering

if you would open it
for her.

It's a picture with
my mom and you guys.

On the beach.

I kept it all these years,
despite the fact

that I'm peeling badly.

Just like a kid, huh?

She opens the gift,
she doesn't look at the card.

Look at the card.

"To Marcy.

"Merry Christmas.

"You'll always be with us.

Love, Joey and Michael."

Hey, Nicole, you know, nobody
can replace your mother.

Not in your heart.

'Cause nobody could replace her
in our hearts.

And when we're all together,
especially at the holidays,

if you let us celebrate with
you, if you let us love you,

that's how your mom can be
most alive because

that's what your mom
most wanted.

You know, you both look
pretty silly with sideburns.

Well, it's not
a great picture.

It's just the only one
we have with all your parents.

No, I think
it's beautiful.

I didn't get you guys anything.

That's okay,
your mother did.

[???]

Merry Christmas, Dads.

Now come on, we've got
a Christmas party to go to.

Hey, what do we do
about this little guy?

Joe, I don't think
this is the year of the dog.

'Cause she's having a tough
enough time adjusting to us,

and you're not
even housebroken.

[PIANO PLAYING]

? You better watch out
You better not cry ?

? You better not pout
I'm telling you why ?

? Santa Claus is
Comin' to town ?

? He's making a list
Checking it twice ?

? He's gonna find out
Who's naughty and nice ?

? Santa Claus is
Coming to town ?

Take it Michael.

? He sees you
When you're sleeping ?

? Yes, he sees you ?

? He knows
When you're awake ?

? Yes, he knows it ?

? He knows if you've been
Bad or good ?

JUDGE:
For goodness sake ?

? We better be good
For goodness sake ?

? Oh, you better watch out
You better not cry ?

? You better not pout
I'm telling you why ?

? Santa Claus is
Coming to town ?

? Santa Claus is
Coming to town ?

? Santa Claus is
Coming to town ?

I want a football.

You're getting a book.

I want a bicycle.

You're gettin' a book.

I want a puppy.

That I can do.

Wow!

? Santa Claus is
Coming to town ?

? Santa Claus is coming ?

? That Claus is coming ?

? Yeah ?

? That Claus is coming ?

? Santa Claus is
Coming to town ?

Hey, everybody.

This is my
little sister, Patti Ann.

She's going to move in
and work here.

Hi.

[CLEARS THROAT]
There is a Santa Claus.

? Santa Claus is
Coming to town ?

? Santa Claus is
Coming to town ?

? Santa Claus is coming ?

? That Claus is coming ?
? Yeah ?

? That Claus is coming ?

? Santa Claus is
Coming to town ?

[???]