01x15 - The Wedge

[bunniefuu]

[???]

[LOCK RATTLING]

[OBJECT CLATTERS]

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, Joe. Joe. Joe.

Joe.

No, Veronica,
I got no more to give.

Hey.

Get up. There's
a burglar outside.

Hey. Hey.

I-- I got a bat.

You step in here,
I cr*ck your head open.

Louisville Slugger.

Roger Maris.

Hey, how do you know
it's a burglar?

Oh, because it's :
in the morning,

there's thumping
and the lock is rattling.

That narrows it down to burglar
or Ghost of Christmas Past,

and I don't want to see
either one of them.

Who is it?

MAN:
Burglar.

Malcolm?

[EXCLAIMS]

Who else would it be
at this time of night?

Hey, I'm sorry
if I've scared ya,

but, uh, wait till you hear me
sing, that'll really scare you.

[LAUGHS]
Scared? Me?

You didn't scare me.
I just-- I always like to take

a few swings before
I call it a night.

Hey, Malcolm O'Dell,
Michael Taylor.

Malcolm's been on the road
about five months.

He's a musician.
Yeah.

And you're, um...
A stockbroker.

The pajamas.

Close.
Financial advisor.

Whoa.
Well, listen. Nice to meet you.

I'm gonna let
you guys catch up.

I got an early
day tomorrow.

You're gonna need
a financial advisor, huh?

Two records
on the charts?

Ah, what the hell,
sun's already up.

What brings you to town?
What? Cutting another album?

Actually, starting
tomorrow, I'm opening

for Fleetwood Mac
Really?

You are making it, bud, you're
making it. I'm proud of you.

Just having a good time, mate.
You remember the old philosophy?

Hey, hey.
BOTH: Good times at all costs.

Now wait a minute.
So Joey,

you mean secretly
you've been

this fun-loving,
unconventional guy?

All this time, you think
you know a person.

Yeah, in fact Joe and I
always used to compete

to see who could be
the most unconventional.

And by the look
of this gaff,

I think we're neck and neck.

JOEY:
Hey, no way, man.

You blowing in,
three in the morning

before opening at the Garden.
That puts you ahead.

Yeah. Dream come true.

Thousands of teenagers
screaming my name.

I can hear it now.

Malcolm O'Dell!

Now, that is eerie.

Malcolm O'Dell.
You're Malcolm O'Dell.

I recognize you from MTV.

Which I only watch minutes
a day after homework.

What are you doing here?
Did I win some kind of contest?

[GASPS]
Do we have a dream date?

Hey, Malcolm's
a friend of mine, Nicole.

He's gonna be staying
with us for a couple days.

If that's okay with you.

That's okay with me.

Hey, and who's Nicole, there?

Hey, this is my
-year-old daughter, huh?

Best year old
in the world.

You mean I leave town
for five months,

and you have
a -year-old daughter?

Woo. I'd say that moves
you way ahead of me

in the unconventional
race, Joe.

Eh, but, wait a minute,
I always thought that daughters

came with, uh, with
two parents?

You win, Joe.

[???]

NICOLE:
This is me, Nicole Bradford.

Cute, huh?

This is my Dad.
And this is my Dad.

How'd I get two dads?
They inherited me.

Congratulations.
It's a girl.

Here's the judge
who brought us together.

She lives in our building.
My building. I own it.

NICOLE:
we're one big happy family,

with one dad
who's down-to-earth,

and one dad with
his head in the clouds.

I-- I think we're
father of the year.

? You can count on me
No matter what you do ?

? You can count on me
No matter where you go ?

? I'm standing by your side
I'll be right behind ?

? No one loves you
More than I do ?

? Put your hand in mine ?

? You can count on me
No matter what you do ?

? You can count on me
No matter where you go ?

? You can count on me ?

Ta-da.

Ta-da what?

There's nobody
here, Nicole.

[SIGHS]
What a disappointment.

This is not doing my ego
a lot of good, ladies.

Sorry, Mr. Taylor, but Nicole
promised us Malcolm O'Dell,

and all she delivered
is some plain, old father.

That's better.

I guess he must've gone
out for a while.

Yeah, right.

Oh, you know,
I gotta get back for dinner.

We're having
Madonna and Sean.

Fine. Taunt me.

But I know that
Malcolm O'Dell is staying here.

I just wanted
to impress you.

But what satisfaction could
that actually bring me?

[GIRLS SCREAMING]

Nicole.

I've missed you.

[GASPING]

Oh. Sometimes life
treats me so good.

Hey, Michael, Malcolm
rented a hot air balloon,

and we're gonna go flying.
You want to come?

Hey, Nick, you wanna go?
Michael, let's go.

I don't think so.

Gravity is a law
I really like to obey.

Dad.

[MOCKINGLY]
Nicole.

You have homework to do.

You have a big
English test tomorrow.

You should stay home.
It's a school night.

Aah. It's a school night?

Did I say that?

I'm a real parent now.

There's no turning back.

Soon I'm gonna start
saying things like:

"Don't pick at it".

[SHUDDERS]

Well... Hey, now
I'm giving you a chance

to take it back
and let me go.

Listen, my father
must've said

"school night" to me
, times.

"School night, school night,
school night..."

"Can I go out?"
"It's a school night."

That's all I ever heard and now
I'm taking it out on you.

That's why people
have children.

Hey, Michael, just forget one
English test, all right?

Live a little. Living is
our homework, you know.

Now, my philosophy is--

Yeah, yeah, I know.
Good times at all costs.

I just wanted
to return your hammer.

Turns out
I didn't even need it.

My date was
a perfect gentleman.

JOEY:
Hey, judge, wait up.

I want you to meet
a real good friend of mine.

This is Malcolm O'Dell. This is
Her Honor Judge Margaret Wilbur.

Hiya, Megs.
Malcolm O'Dell.

You look very familiar.
Have I ever sentenced you?

You might want
to sentence him now, judge.

He's trying to convince me to
let Nicole go on a balloon ride.

Absolutely not,
unless I can come.

[???]

That was the best time
I ever had.

I told you,
didn't I?

[GROANS]

You know, for a minute I thought
I wasn't gonna have fun...

up in the air...

in a balloon.

Michael, you don't look
like you had too much fun.

The man was playing chicken
with the World Trade Center.

He was just trying to make
the ride more exciting.

He knew what he was
doing. Right?

Okay.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]
I got it.

Is he still here?
Where is he?

[BOTH SCREAM]
There he is.

Hi.

Hi.

He wants to marry me.

Your concert starts
tonight, doesn't it?

Yeah. You coming?

I wish. My parents
would never let me.

Oh...
School tomorrow.

Oh, no, I'll tell you what. If
you can't come to the concert,

then we'll start
the concert here.

Hey, Joe. Come on, mate,
we're gonna play.

Hey Michael, Michael,
we're going to jam, mate.

Come on, grab
your accordion and join in.

Which one of your
songs do you want to do?

One of my songs?
Let, uh,

never mind, they can
hear my songs anytime.

Let's do one of the songs
that we wrote together.

[GASPS]
with my Dad?

Yeah. Me and your dad
are the best of mates.

Come on, mate, I bet you don't
remember how it goes.

think you can
keep up with me?

Yeah, I can. You go
for it. Go on.

BOTH:
No matter what you do ?

? You can count on me
No matter where you go ?

? I'm standing by your side ?
? By your side ?

? I'll be right behind ?
? I'm right behind ?

? No one loves you
More than I do ?

BOTH:
? Put your hand in mine ?

? I can see
A part of me in you ?

BOTH:
That comes shining through ?

? I hear it in your laughter
And I feel it when you cry ?

? I will be right there for you
Until the day I die ?

? You can count on me
No matter what you do ?

[MOUTHING WORDS]
? You can count on me ?

? No matter where you go ?

? You can count on me ?

[CHEERING]

Joe, you--
You wrote that?

Yeah. You like it?

Yeah. But why do
I-- I feel like

I've heard that somewhere.

Hey, I'm sorry that
you girls won't be

able to come to the concert,
but I'm sure Nicole

will tell you all
about it.

[GASPS]
You're going?

Mr. Taylor,
I am impressed.

You are not a regular,
old dad after all.

Nicole is lucky
to have you as a father.

Well, thank you.

Does this mean I'm going?
Course not. It's a school night.

[BARKS]

They are all
the same.

It's like they come out
of some Xerox machine.

You mean she's not
coming to the concert tonight?

I'll talk to Michael,
we'll see--

No. She went up
in the balloon, she hasn't

done her homework,
she's got a test tomorrow.

You can see the concert
tomorrow night.

Michael, what is
it with you, man?

Why don't you
just lighten up?

Look, I'll tell
you what.

Why don't I just walk these
lovely ladies downstairs

while, uh, while you two dads
have a have a nice little chat.

They're never gonna
believe this at school.

Yes, they will.
I got it all on tape.

Ladies, after you.

He's kissing
my hand now.

Hey, Michael--

No. Okay? No. You put me
in this terrible position.

Nicole wants to go
to this concert,

you think it's swell
and I'm the one left who has

to say no 'cause you
and Peter Pan don't understand

the meaning of the word
responsibility.

Come on, Michael,
school's every day.

How often does a -year-old kid
get to be a big sh*t?

Did you notice
the other kids' parents

wouldn't let them go?

Do you figure that maybe
since the beginning of time

parents and children,
they have these roles to play.

Now, Nicole's got her
part down perfectly.

Her lines are, "May I please
break down all the walls

of discipline and stay out

even though I have
homework and a test"?

Now let me teach you
your lines: "No."

Hey, do me
a big favor, okay?

Don't give me instructions
on how to be a parent.

Because I've been a parent
just as long as you have.

Right. All I'm asking for
is parental consistency

in front of Nicole.

I say she goes, is that
consistent enough?

I say she goes
tomorrow night.

Tonight she studies,
tomorrow she takes the test.

Tomorrow night,
she sees the concert.

Everybody wins.
So, what are you making me yell?

Hey, guys, I got to be
on my way now.

So, uh, what've you
decided then?

You can't go
tonight, Nick.

You can go to the concert
tomorrow night.

That okay?

Okay.

Hey, Joe, I've gotta--
I've got a sound check.

You wanna--
You wanna walk me out?

Sure.

So this is what's
become of you, huh?

What're you
talking about?

I mean you've
changed, pal.

I mean, I don't
even recognize you.

I mean, Mr. Suit-and-Tie has
taken the life out of you.

Nobody's taken the life
out of me. I'm the same guy.

You don't believe
you've changed?

Absolutely not.

Well, then you're worse off
than I thought you were.

[???]

Happy homework.

BOTH:
? Here we come ?

? Walking down the street ?

Hey.

? We get the
Funniest looks from ?

? Everyone we meet ?

Hey, hey...

How'd that go?

I don't know,
it was before my time.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Well, well.
Good morning.

JOEY: Good morning.
Are you just getting home?

Man, we had some night.

We went to the old places,
sang the old songs.

That was a night.

And I'm sure you forgot all
about your daughter's birthday.

Oh, Dad,
it's not my birthday.

Quiet. I'm trying
to make him feel guilty.

You're gonna have
to do it without me.

I've gotta get to school.

Hey, you study up for
that big test of yours?

Sure. I had nothing else
to do last night.

Yeah, well, well,
you're busy tonight.

A backstage pass
to the concert.

[GASPS]
to take to school.

You have a wonderful
understanding of how important

it is to have
jealous friends.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you.

Oh, yeah.
I gotta get some sleep.

The couch is yours.

All right.

Yes?

No. No, I'm not gonna say
anything about staying out

all night when you have
a daughter at home.

It's not my place to tell you
how to live your life.

It's not my place to tell you
that most daughters

who have fathers who stay out
all night, change their name

to "Bubbles" and don't take
American Express.

That's one of Michael's little
digs. He does that all the time.

Doesn't it bother you?
Nah,

because when he does it,
I know that he's just annoyed

that I did something
he would never do,

which automatically
makes it fun,

like staying out all night
with an old friend.

Yeah, well, maybe he doesn't
have any old friends.

You know, I really would love
to stay and take offense,

but, uh, I got to get
uptown to my job.

You see, I toil
while others sleep.

Ooh, ah.
Another dig.

[???]

Judge, you know,
I'm thinking,

maybe I should
put up a new sign.

'Cause now it says
"Klawicki's. Food."

What do you want
it to say?

"Klawicki's.
Good food."

You'll lose all
your customers.

Yeah.

You know the thing
about me is,

I got a watch.

I know to get in before
the sun comes up

because my watch tells me.

I know what time to go to work,
because my watch tells me.

Now my watch
is telling me to panic

'cause they are three hours late
and nobody's called.

So obviously, it seems my whole
problem is this watch.

I know him.

He regrets that.

No. No. No, I don't.
Because that was impulsive.

That was-- That was fun.

And now the fun's over,
I gotta buy a new watch.

I-- I do what's right
for Nicole.

So how come with
Malcolm around,

I feel like
such a wet blanket?

You don't think of me as
a wet blanket, do you, judge?

No, Michael.

I think of you
as a moist towelette.

Look, Michael,
don't worry about Malcolm.

He's only in town
for a couple of days.

He has no effect
on you daughter.

Aah!

[ALL LAUGHING]

It was great.

It was so great.

Why is my daughter
in shackles?

I was a sl*ve.

They chained me
to a rock.

They did?
Who's they?

Is he they? 'Cause I'm getting
a little upset at they.

Will you relax, okay?

Malcolm invited us to be
in his new video.

Nobody called me.

Oh, come on, will ya?
You're like my mother.

Look, I don't have to report
to anybody, you know.

I'm allowed to have as much fun
as I want and take my daughter

and have a great time.

Hey, judge,
will you please tell him

he should've called me?

Will you please tell him
to stop being my mother?

Oh.

Look at the time.

I'm late for a hanging.

Look, Michael, it's okay.

They treated me
very nicely.

They gave me lunch
and everything.

Lunch? You didn't have
lunch in school?

Joey took me
out of school.

What about her test?

It was a half day, Michael.
It was a national holiday.

"Time of Your Life" day.
She took the test

in the morning,
she did great. Next?

Nicole, would you
go upstairs,

please,
and unchain yourself?

Yeah, go and wash up,
because we're going

to Malcolm's
concert tonight.

Then we're gonna stay out all
night and show Nicole the places

that Joey and I
used to hang out.

Okay, Mom?

Joe...

Michael, hey,
she's gonna be with me.

Oh, what, that's supposed
to calm me down?

Hey, what is this?
What's the matter?

Suddenly, you don't
trust me with Nicole?

Now, now, now, boys,
don't let's quibble.

No. I want to hear
you say this.

I want to hear you tell me
you don't trust me.

I used to. I don't know.
Who are you lately?

Hey, I'm me, Michael. The same
person I always used to be,

before you tried
to make me you.

[???]

She here?

Hey, what's that?

Get up. I know you been
up all night waiting.

I know you. Where is she?

She's with you.

I lost her, man.
Come on, get up. Let's go.

What do you mean,
you lost her?

At the concert.
Malcolm pulls her onstage

and he starts dancing,
then takes her off

and by the time I get there,
I can't find them.

Did she call here?

No.
Oh, man, why not?

[SIGHS]
What's the matter with me?

Offhand, I'd say
you're worried.

Is this what I put you through
the last couple days?

Come on.

[BOTH LAUGH]

We had
the greatest time.

Malcolm,
where were you?

We went to a party, and then
we went to another party.

Hey, she was
with me, mate.

Don't tell me
you were concerned?

Nick, why didn't
you call?

Uh-oh.
I think we've lost him.

We didn't call Michael
when I was with you.

I didn't know
I was supposed to.

We were having too much fun.
We met all these neat people,

and I had my first
glass of champagne.

Nicole, would you go
to your room, please?

Do I have to?

You heard what
your father said.

Hey, Joe, you can't punish
a kid for having fun.

Hey, who the hell
told you

you could take my daughter to
a party and give her champagne?

Well, it was
very good champagne.

And besides, when
I offered her a sip,

all she had to say was no.

Are you--?
Wait, wait, wait.

You don't understand,
do you?

She's just a kid,
Malcolm.

You don't get that,
do you?

You don't get that
'cause you're still a kid too.

Yeah, and you're starting
to sound like Pajama Mike.

No. No. I'm sounding
like a father.

So I guess--
I guess I've changed.

But not because of him.
Because of her.

Because of her,
"good times at all costs"

just got a little
too rich for my blood.

So I guess I'm not going to be
needing that philosophy anymore.

I guess you're gonna have
to find somebody else

to share that one with.

Yeah.

Well. No hard feelings.

Look, I gotta be
going tonight anyway.

I've gotta fly
to Cincinnati.

Look, I'm sorry if
I caused you any trouble.

Trouble's no fun.

Look, I'll... I'll see you
next time I come to town.

Hey, make sure it's not
on a school night.

Michael.

Now, don't let him
grow up too fast.

[???]

Hey, how come I just got
this sudden urge

to go out
and buy wingtips?

It gets worse, pally.

One of these days,
you're gonna buy a watch.

Never. Never.

Look, hey, I'm nothing
like you, all right?

I've always taken
a lot of comfort in that.

I'm me.
Mm-hmm.

Nothing you do is gonna
influence me at all.

Who's going
to influence you?

You just threw out
your best friend.

Hey, Michael...

No, I didn't.

Hey, Joe...

I do trust you
with our daughter.

BOTH:
? Here we come ?

? Walking down the street ?

? We get the
Funniest looks from ?

? Everyone we meet ?

[???]