03x02 - The Hostage

[bunniefuu]

I cannot believe this article
on tax shelters.

It says the IRS will let you invest
in anything...

...from race horses to windmills
to bull semen.

I gave blood...

...that's as far as it goes.

lCHUCKLESl

Could we possibly talk about
something other than bodily fluids?

Sure. Who's the bimbo in red?

Her name is Sheila.
She's new in the Records Department.

And from what I understand.
she's a pretty tough customer.

Say no more.

She thinks you're a jerk.

We haven't even met.

It's not a prerequisite.

Shefla?

-Yes?
-Dan Fielding. assistant district attorney.

-Is there some kind of trouble. Mr. Fielding?
-No. Ha-ha-ha.

No. no. no.

I heard you're new...

...and I was wondering if you would like
to get the inside scoop from an old hand.

What is it you really want?

Well. how about. say. dinner at Sardi's.
maybe catch Bobbie Short at the Carlyle?

I think all you're really interested in
is sex.

[LAUGHS]

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH THEN LAUGHS]

I assure you that my intentions
are completely ethical.

I am emphatically not some
sort of a beast on the prowl...

...for meaningless, primitive sex.

Too bad.

I respect honesty in a person.

All I'm really interested in is sex.

You are spineless and desperate.

All the qualities I look for in a man.

Meet me at midnight.

Midnight? Midnight.
Yes. midnight. that's good.

Aren't you forgetting something?

Thank you. thank you. thank you.

-My address?
-Yes. that too.

And don't be late.

I punish for tardiness.

-So?
-Red or white wine?

-To go with?
-Humiliation.

-Red.
-Thought so.

ICHATTERING INDISTINCTLYI

Do you realize
how late I'm going to get to Sheila's?

What's she gonna do. spank you?

Jealous?

Of a tawdry one-night stand? Please.

What's it gonna
leave you with tomorrow?

God forbid something lasting should develop.
What would you do then?

Take these.

-What's next, Mac?
-Slotkin. Leonard.

Breaking and entering.
grand theft larceny.

Where I come from.
we don't have any courts or jails...

...or police officers. or even any laws.

Jersey. Been there.

Mr. Prosecutor.

Mr. Slotkin broke into
an electronics supply store...

...and stole $ worth of equipment.

Tubes. transistors. cables.
that sort of thing.

Well. Mr. Slotkin. hello. how are you?

I'm sick. I'm dying.

I'm being slowly poisoned...

...by the oxygen concentration
of your atmosphere.

Not an oxygen kind of guy.
eh. Mr. Slotkin?

I can take it for short periods of time...

...but my system is used
to methane and ammonia.

-He's from New Jersey.
-I'm not from New Jersey!

I'm from Saturn.

Aha.

You know. I had a john once
who claimed he was a Martian.

Came down to Earth
to conquer the human race. right?

Convention.

Sir. my client has been examined
by a physician...

...and found to be in perfect health.

Physically.

Mr. Slotkin?

Your medical technology is insufficient.

My system is too complex
for your archaic diagnostic tools.

He ate his stethoscope.

That's why I took
the electronics components.

I am trying to fashion a transmitter
so that I can call back home to Saturn.

That's all I want. judge.
I just wanna go home.

-I just wanna go home.
-Oh. let him go home.

-Send him back to Jersey.
-Yeah.

Settle down. counsels.

I'd like to grant a continuance...

-...pending a psychiatric evaluation.
-Agreed.

[IN FOREIGN ACCENT]
Ready to beam him aboard. sir. Ha-ha-ha.

Continuance. it is. Next case.

Do you mean I'm going to
have to stay locked up?

No. you'll be in a medical facility.
Mr. Slotkin. not in jail.

Wait. I don't think you understand.

I'm going to be dead within hours
if I don't get back to Saturn.

You're just gonna have to trust me
on this one. You'll be fine.

-Bull?
-Can I get you anything. Mr. Slotkin?

-Coffee? Tea?
-My system is starved for ammonia.

Mop & Glo it is.

Hurry UP-

Keep your pants on. counselor.

If I stay here. I'm gonna have to.

Next case. Your Honor.

Endangered and attempted as*ault.

Michel Fouquet v. everybody
on l.R. T. Subway Car Number .

-Everybody?
-Uh-huh.

Judge.
it was just a little misunderstanding.

The plaintiff is here
on vacation from France.

He entered the th Avenue subway.
asked the passengers for change of a dollar.

These five commuters pulled these weapons
and held him until the transit police arrived.

We thought he was dangerous.

-We thought he was crazy.
-What did he do?

-He talked to us.
-Ah.

Sir. if I might interject.
these are not a g*ng of thugs.

These are just ordinary citizens...

...influenced by the current paranoia
about v*olence on the subways.

Basically. they're just good.
decent human beings.

What is that thing?

Surface-to-air m*ssile. sir.

I see your point.

Judge. it wasn't loaded.

I was just using it for intimidation.

People. people. people.
now. I understand your fears...

...but don't you see
you are contributing to the problem?

You are escalating the tension
that threatens to tear at the very fabric...

...that binds us together
as civilized human beings.

-What I'm trying to say is that--
-We don't get the g*ns back?

No. you don't get the g*ns back.

They will stay here as evidence
and I hope they're confiscated permanently.

Now. as for Monsieur Fouquet...

...I hope that you can still enjoy
this city of ours...

...with its diversity and its energy. its--

Couldn't afford the Bahamas. could you?

All right. now. Everybody. just stay calm.

-Are there b*ll*ts in that thing?
-No.

-Are you sure?
-No.

Put those g*ns away. Now!

So. hi. Mr. Slotkin.

-Good to see you again.
-Hello.

Well. what seems to be the problem?

Problem?

Well. yeah. the chasing.
the screaming. the g*n.

Oh. that.

Mr. Slotkin. now. I know
you're a reasonable human being--

I'm not a human being!

Right. I forgot.

-I have demands.
-sh**t.

Oh. God. please. no. no.

Come on. Dan. Even he knew
what I meant and he's crazy.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

I want parts to fashion a transmitter
so I can contact my people.

I have a list. Here.

-Mac.
-Yeah. I'll get right on it. sir.

Though I think
we may be out of plutonium.

You can substitute Spam.

Got it.

And I need sustenance.

Bull. get him whatever he wants.

What kind of sustenance?

Nitrogen. phosphorous. magnesium. zinc.

Refish?

On the side.

A|rightY-

Mr. Slotkin. I want everyone else
in the courtroom to go.

I'm sorry. I can't do that.

Trust me. They'll be all right.

Why should I trust you?

All right.

As a gesture of goodwill.
I'll let one of these two go.

-Good luck.
-Dan.

I am young.
I have got my entire life in front of me.

I'll let the lady go.

You can forget the bucks I owe you.

Don't worry.

If I sh**t you...

...|'|| resurrect you with a couple
of paper clips and a candle.

I'm looking forward to that.

If there were only something else
we can do.

Why can't we find anyone
who can talk sense to him?

A friend. a relative.
anyone who can communicate with him.

There's a guy from Neptune in holding.

You're right. Language problem.

Christine.

In case I don't make it out of here.
there's something I think you should know.

I have undressed you in my mind...

...every night
since the second I laid eyes on you.

And I think we would have been
incredible together.

Harry's promised me your parking space.

Hi.

-Somebody call for the A-Team?
-I beg your pardon?

It was a joke.

I'm just not very funny. that's all.

I'm Judge Stone.

Commander Tucker. emergency services.

-Where do you want the sn*pers?
-sn*pers?

Isn't there a chance you're gonna hit
one of the hostages?

What's your point?

I would like to settle
this matter nonviolently. if possible.

Your Honor. there's a lunatic in there.

And my statistics show that he's gonna
open fire within the next minutes.

Well. maybe I should go in
and talk to him myself.

-Phil. how many body bags we have?
-Should I bring the food in now?

Hey. I saw something
on Minutes once...

...where the hostage negotiating team
drugged the food...

...before they took it in to the t*rrorists.

Minutes?

Never heard of it.

It's on opposite Punky Brewster.

Oh. well. no wonder.

Listen. can we drug the food?

-Sure. we do it all the time.
-Great.

Come on. Phil.
let's break out the needles.

Now. whatever you do.
don't try this at home.

That was a joke.

They hate me. I can tell.

Mr. Slotkin. I brought you the nitrogen.
magnesium and phosphorous.

Being from Saturn.
you're probably not familiar...

...with the Earth forms
of these substances.

-Where's my scratch game?
-Bye.

ICLEARS THROAT]

Are you gonna eat both of those?

Go ahead.

I'm starving.

Hmm.

You gonna eat or what?

I just wanna see
what's going to happen to you.

What are you talking about?

I just wanna see if they drugged the food.

Don't you ever watch Minutes?

IHUMMINGI

Mr. Slotkin?

Mr. Slotkin. I just wanna help you.

Is there anyone we can call.
your wife or your parents?

No. I'm not married.

-Parents moved to the old neighborhood.
-The old neighborhood.

Way out on the seventh moon of Saturn.
That's where I grew up.

It was just our family and two others
on this barren. lifeless sphere of ice.

-How about yourself?
-Buffalo.

Oh. my God.

Yeah. but I miss it sometimes.

I know what you mean. I miss the rings.

-The rings?
-Oh. they're beautiful.

Sometimes when the sun hits them
just right...

...the whole sky sparkles
with these vibrant colors.

Sounds wonderful.

Oh. It is.

You know. up on this place Saturn...

...well. there's no w*r.
there's no poverty. and there's no hunger.

Is that right. Mr. Slotkin?

Absolutely.
We solved those problems eons ago.

Sir. do you realize
that instead of fighting...

...they solve global disputes
with bowling tournaments?

Well. I can't confirm that.

Well. what's so strange about that?

I mean. look at the way
you still do things down here.

I mean. you take any opportunity
to m*rder each other...

...you tear down your forests.
you poison your streams.

On my planet. everything grows.

We have no v*olence. no oppression.

No famine. no cruelty. no hatred.

-You've been there.
-No.

But I can imagine it.

Most of us can imagine it.

Some of us want it so bad
that when we can't find it here...

...we imagine it someplace else.

What are you talking about?

You're describing utopia. Mr. Slotkin.

That is an ideal place.

Men have been looking for it
since the beginning of time.

But it doesn't exist here.

Sometimes I wonder
if it exists anywhere.

Oh. it exists. all right.

Believe me. I've been there.

-I'll vouch for him on that.
-Dan.

I love you. Harry.

Thank you. Dan.

-What a fruitcake. huh?
-Mr. Slotkin...

...please. give me the g*n.

-No. you stay away from me.
-Mr. Slotkin.

If I had my life to live over again.
I would live it as a blond.

Please. don't make me restrain you.

Oh. that's all you people ever do.

You think of new reasons
for using v*olence.

You just get people out of the way
if they step out of line.

That's all your species understands.

I mean. God forbid...

...you should actually listen to somebody
if they're different.

I'd like to place a collect call. please.

[OBJECT CLATTERINGI

Is he--?

Well. that was refreshing.

Where's the g*n?

This is the city.

My name is Fielding.

-I'm a cop.
-What happened?

-Everything's under control.
-The lights went out in the building.

Yeah. must've blown a fuse
when he turned the thing on.

It wasn't a fuse.

It was my people.

You see any of them here?

No. they're not here.

But suffice it to say
that they have healed me.

They effected a large-scale
transference of energy...

...which repaired my malfunctioning
Earth adaptation devices.

Mr. Slotkin.
are you sure you feel all right?

Oh. yes. I'm fit as a yefgotrod.

You look it.

Somebody here called for a pick up?

Yeah. the guy in the plaid jacket there
is from Saturn.

-That's strange.
-You kidding.

Yeah. they usually come in the spring
when the planet makes its closest approach.

Come on. Al.

Your Honor.

Greetings.

As a representative
from our Earth's government...

...we invite you to join us on a tour
of one of our native medical institutions.

We feel it will be beneficial
to both our peoples...

...and will help to promote
a mutual trust and harmony...

...between our two worlds.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I'd be honored.

Beats the hell out of wrestling them
to the ground.

SLOTKIN:
Judge.

I want you to know that I respect you.

And I even like you.

But I hope you won't be hurt too much...

...when you realize
that you're finally doomed.

Oh. I don't know. Mr. Slotkin.

Some of us still have hope.

Me. I've got a feeling that someday
we're all gonna come together...

...and we're gonna figure out a way
to make this fragile little world of ours...

...a really wonderful place to live.

[LAUGHS]

That's crazy.

-Where's Dan?
-Over there. licking the floor.

SHEILA:
Dan?

Ready?

I'll be waiting outside.

And they say romance is dead.

IYAWNS]

Oh. I forgot.
How did it go last night. Dan?

ICHUCKLESI

Mac. Mac. Mac.

I have no idea.

I think I blacked out at the curb.

Well. you gave it your best sh*t.

Dan.

Oh. Sheila.

Um....

About last night--

Oh. you magnificent beast. you.

I'm still trying to catch my breath.

You were incredible.

I was?

Oh. I mean--
I mean. it was nice. wasn't it?

Aren't you being just a bit modest?

Well. maybe a bit. Heh.

So how about tonight?

We'll never be able to top last night.

Let's not spoil it by trying.

Let's spoil it.

I remember...

...a catcher's mitt.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: The latest breaking
news, four k*lled in Queens sh**ting spree...

...a family freezes to death,
and on a lighter note...

...three million gallons of sewage
spills into the Hudson River.

We'll be right back after this message.

-What's new?
-m*rder and mayhem.

What's new with you?

There's brown stuff coming out
of the drinking fountain.

-We're ready.
-I'll be there.

OkaY-

And on a local note,
last night's mysterious blackout...

...which affected one square mile
of Manhattan...

...is still resisting any easy explanation.

Con Ed said there was no indication
of any malfunction.

A spokesman commented,
''It was like some appliance was hooked up...

...and/ust sucked all of the energy
out of the system for a couple of seconds. "

Heh-heh. A UFO, lguess.