03x08 - Up On the Roof

[bunniefuu]

[WHEEZ|NG]

Hey, how's it going. iudge-

What about that Jets game on Sunday. huh?
Did you see it?

Now. that is what I call
one heck of a game.

You look a little bit thinner.
You been working out?

[WHEEZES]

I guess you noticed. huh?
The e|evator's busted.

It was working perfectly one minute.
I turn around. bang. it's dead.

Everybody started using
the freight elevator.

I mean. what are people supposed to do.
walk up flights of stairs?

[LAUGHING]

I did it. I got them.

I got them. I got them. I got them!

I got them. I got them. I got them.

Guess whose concert I got tickets to
Saturday night.

Oh. boy. charades.

How many syllables?

Eddie Devon.

You're not very good at this.

Hi. UY -

You will never guess what I just did.

How did you get up here?

Took the freight elevator
just like everybody else.

I heard some jerk
actually walked up all flights.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Your Honor. look.

Miss Sullivan. look.

-You too?
-Uh-huh.

Two tickets to the grand opening
of the petting zoo in Central Park.

You camped out all night for those.
didn't you?

Your Honor.
these are Eddie Devon tickets.

-Wow!
-Yeah.

Who's Eddie Devon?

He's a rock ‘n’ roll star. sir.

Oh. I don't keep up with that. Mac.
You know that.

Flo and I.
we're into the old-timers. right. Flo?

Sinatra. Tormé. right?

Eddie has brown hair. green eyes.
and gold singles.

His last LP went platinum in a week...

...and he just kicked off
a -city concert tour.

I would've had the best view of him
at Woodstock...

...but they made me climb down
from the light tower.

Why?

Some nonsense about wearing clothes.

[CROWD SCREAMINGI

-What the hell was that?
-I don't know.

But whatever it was. I hope nobody
was in the hall when it went through.

BULL: Now. wait. That's private stuff.
Get over there.

[ALL CHATTERINGI

Oh. my God.

People. people. People-

If that is what you indeed are.

Sit down!

Counsels.

Will someone please tell me
what the hell is going on around here?

Yes. Your Honor. There was a last-minute
cancellation of the Eddie Devon concert.

His fans started chanting.
"Up with famine."

Well. that is extreme behavior.
but in light of the announced cance||ation--

That was before
the announced cancellation.

And then after.
I suppose things got a little out of hand?

Luckily. the ritual human sacrifice
was nipped in the bud.

All right. Right this way.
Right down the aisle here. Thank you.

Come right this way. Thank you. Good.

Sir. Eddie Devon's here.

He's here?

Oh. my God! I don't believe it!
This is unreal!

I mean. what an interesting development.

Uh. Mr. Devon was assaulted by a promoter
after he froze on-stage.

Here's the arrest report.

Bull. why are you wearing that thing?

Oh. uh. some fans found out
I was escorting Mr. Devon...

...and I wanted to throw them
off our trail.

I figured a disguise would help.

You recognized me right away.
didn't you?

What do you expect
from a man who keeps thumbtacks as pets?

Excuse me. Uh. can somebody
tell me where Mr. Devon is?

Yes. I can answer that.

-You are...?
-Hi. Dr. Charles Melnick.

I'm Eddie's psychiatrist
and personal spokesman.

-Where is he?
-He's here. He's in this room.

-Can I see him?
-He has no comment.

-A statement will be issued on this incident.
-I would just like--

It's my belief that Eddie froze on-stage...

...as a result of his latent performance
anxiety. which has been heightened...

...by his growing concern
over the plight of the whales.

-Your Honor.
-Yes. Miss Sullivan?

He's under my table.

-What is he. nuts?
-Of course not.

But a personal appearance in this courtroom
is simply out of the question.

Well. fine. Then he can make
a personal appearance in my office.

Fifteen-minute recess.

I hope that you're capable of treating him
with the kind of respect and sensitivity...

...that this calls for.

IWHISTLESI

Here. boy. Here. Eddie.
Come on. boy. Here. boy.

-Good. Good.
-I'll put some newspaper down on my rug.

BOTH [IN UNISON]:
Hi.

-I'm Willy.
-I'm Wally.

I'm woozy.

We're looking for Eddie Devon.

-We'd do anything--
-Anything.

--to get close to him.

BOTH [IN UNISON]:
What do you do?

Oh. I'm an assistant district...

...sales rep for Eddie's record company.

BOTH [IN UNISON]:
Ooh.

Once more.

BOTH [IN UNISON]:
Ooh.

Forget about the lottery.
Give me this one.

[CROWD SCREAMINGI

No. captain. no. I would not classify this
as a possible crowd-control problem. no.

I would call a thousand screaming fans
burning me in effigy...

...an existing crowd-control problem.

Yes. so please do what you can. Mm-hm.

IKNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hold on.

-Come on in.
-Go on. Go on. Go on in. Eddie.

Eddie. nobody's gonna hurt you.
That's right. Now sit.

Good boy. Ha. ha.

Hi. Eddie.

-Hi.
-Doc. I'd like to see Eddie alone...

-...for a couple of minutes.
-Absolutely not.

Eddie's used to my constant presence
as a support mechanism.

-You did say he was all right.
-Absolutely.

-Fine. Get out.
-Judge.

Do you understand the phrase
"separation anxiety"?

Yeah. Do you understand the phrase
"contempt of court"?

Relax. Eddie. It'll be fun.

Don't mention the word "womb."

CROWD ICHANTINGI:
Eddie. Eddie. Eddie.

Eddie. Eddie. Eddie.

Eddie. Eddie. Eddie....

-It's been a rough tour. eh. Eddie?
-They ripped my hair out in Philadelphia.

Oh. they do that to everybody.

And in Cleveland.
they sold pieces of my shirt.

Yeah. I've heard about
rock fans doing that.

I was still wearing it.

How long you been on tour. Eddie?

Oh....

-Few nights.
-Ouick. what year is it?

' -something.

It's ' . Reagan is president.

The actor?

It's a long story.

So that's it?
You're only interested in musicians?

-That and music.
-We love music.

BOTH [IN UNISON]: We've got
some of the best speakers in town.

A really great pair.

Mm....

BOTH [IN UNISON]:
Stereo.

Yeah. well. mono's for squares.

HARRY:
Hey. guys.

-Where is he?
HARRY: Who. Eddie? Oh. I sent him out.

-You wha--? You sent him out?
-Alone?

Sure. Sent him to the zoo.
What's the big deal?

The big deal? He's got
the survival instincts of a cabbage!

That's what's the big deal.

Aren't we exaggerating a little bit. doc?

Sir. don't you ever read
Tiger b*at magazine?

No. I let my subscription lapse.

Eddie Devon hasn't been out in public
alone in six years.

Then you're saying I sent a defenseless.
trusting human being into Central Park...

...at night. alone?

Does the word "oops" come to mind?

Fifty-dollar fine and time served.
Flo. Bull.

-How many more have we got. Mac?
-Minus the last four. .

Recess.

It's been over four hours. Judge Stone.

I've sent out private detectives.
No trace of him.

Oh. I'm sure he'll show up
somewhere. eventually.

-Thank you. Miss Sullivan.
-In a lake. In a riverbed.

-Thank you. Miss Sullivan.
-She's right.

I know for a fact
that something unspeakably horrible...

...has already happened to him.

Maybe it's the same thing that happened
to his bass player at that party.

-What happened?
-He choked on his tongue.

He choked on his own tongue?

Now. wait a minute. That's right.

They never were able to verify
whose tongue it was.

I feel great.

[SCREAMINGI

Why. look who's here.

Eddie. You're okay.

-I feel great.
-Hey. uh-- Where were you?

-The zoo. I touched a goat.
-That's how I got started.

You shou|d've seen it. Dr. Melnick.
People didn't even recognize me.

One guy even came up to me
and said. "Watch it. scum face." Ha. ha.

Oh. how beautiful.

Eddie. Eddie.

This is just the way it started
the last time.

-Just the way what started?
-He doubted me...

...only for a few minutes.
in the spring of .

But we got through that one together.
didn't we. Eddie?

Wait a minute. Are you saying that
his going to the petting zoo was wrong?

-I'm confused.
-So am I.

Come on. Eddie. We're going home.
We'll cancel the tour. We'||--

We'll go sit in the sand.

If what I did was wrong...

...if how I felt was wrong.
then what's the point?

-We'll talk about this outside.
-Don't touch me.

-Eddie.
-Don't talk to me.

Nobody talk to me.

-Thank you.
-Doctor.

That man is obviously exhausted.
He just needs some time to himself.

Are you crazy?
The man is obviously crumbling.

He's on the verge of regressing...

...into a dangerously unstable phase
of his early childhood.

Doctor. you're the one
who's being childish.

I am a licensed psychotherapist.
I am never childish.

That Devon guy's ready
to throw himself down the elevator shaft.

ISINGSONGI
Na-na-na na-na

Everybody just keep back.

I'm not fooling around here.

-Do what he says. people.
MELNICK: Shh. shh....

Eddie. Eddie. Hey.

Let's just take
a few deep breaths here. okay?

Well?

I feel much better. Thanks.

-Doc.
-Eddie.

You're a very sick man.

Doc. I just took a walk. I went out.

I talked to a bag lady.

I felt as free as I've ever felt
in my entire life...

...and you're telling me I'm sick?

Yes.

-Nice meeting you all.
CHRISTINE: Eddie.

su1c1de is crazy.

You've done this before. haven't you?

Eddie. she's right. This is no answer.

I know.

I don't wanna jump.

Somebody. please.
tell me what to do here.

If you could just make this out
to June and Butch.

Grandma and Grandpa. They love him.

Look. now. for your information...

...I take this subject very seriously.

All I'm wondering
is if we could get together...

...and discuss the various relationships
you've had with your musical idols.

I happen to be working toward
my Ph.D. in sociology...

...and the subject of early tribal chants...

...and rhythms...

...and their symbiotic relationships
to both the male and female libidos...

...is directly related to my thesis.

BOTH [IN UNISON]:
Sounds great.

Fine. Say the Astro Motel
around midnight?

-Oh. we can't.
-Not tonight.

We've already got a date.

BOTH [IN UNISON]:
With him.

Hi-ya.

Now. what has he got that I don't have?

BOTH [IN UNISON]:
He's got one of those.

IRHYTHMIC BEATS
PLAYING ON KEYBOARD]

BOTH [IN UNISON]:
See you at midnight.

Sure thing. kids.

BOTH [IN UNISON]:
Bye.

MELNICK:
Edward.

I am very cross with you.

Tough tepees.

Oh. boy. Mister Rogers gets obscene.

What did you say to me?

-Nothing. doc. I'm sorry.
-Let's go home. Eddie. now.

-All right.
-That's it? You're giving in just like that?

-You're gonna do what he wants?
-Christine. he saved the man's life.

Yeah. well.
why don't I just shut up. then?

Congratulations. doc.
You saved the man's life.

-Of course. what kind of life is it. Eddie?
-Well. it....

Well. tell him.

He needs structure in his life.
I provide that.

-For a hefty fee.
-Hey.

You can't get good psychological therapy
at Kmart. fella.

Eddie. isn't there anything you miss?

Isn't there something you wanted to do.
and he wouldn't let you?

Well. I...

...wou|d've liked to have gone
to my high school reunion.

Do you know what kind of diseases
there are in a gymnasium?

Several were named after me.

I would've liked to have gone
to my father's funeral.

You weren't allowed
to go to your father's funeral?

Do you know how depressing
those things are?

Eddie. I'm not much of a psychologist...

...but I'd bet that you'd have a better sh*t
with Doc Severinsen than with this clown.

Listen. judge.
you're treading on very thin ice here.

Harry. I know you're trying to help.
but you're wrong about Dr. Melnick.

He's not with me just for the money.

And I'll prove it.

-How?
_Uh__

How?

I'll give away everything I own.

I better go lock up Dan.

-No. Eddie. that wasn't--
-Come on. let's go.

-No. Eddie. What I meant was--
-Eddie.

Creating monsters is your hobby. isn't it?

Hey. you. You like jewelry?

Here. This one's got a -karat emerald.

I'd hold out for grand.

Okay. everybody. whoever wants it.
cash. stocks. bonds...

...|'|| be in the courtroom giving it away.

This makes up for the twins.

Okay. I got a shopping center.

ALL:
Me. Me.

It's in Milwaukee.

[CROWD GROANINGI

Eddie. come on.

Aren't we tired of playing
this silly little game?

Monopoly is a game.
He's giving away the whole enchilada.

lCOUGH|NGl

lDAN CLEARS THROAT]

EDDIE:
Oh. heh.

Mr. Fielding.
I've got something for you.

This is a Gibson Les Paul Special
with twin pickups.

There are only of these
that were made.

It was a gift to me on my th birthday
from my father.

His only wish in life was to see his son
succeed at his first love: music.

I want you to have this.

|'m.... I don't know what to say.

I'm honored.

I'll always be grateful. Thank you.

Have this appraised.

This is just getting ridiculous.
He just wants my attention.

Okay. I got a Caribbean island.

That's mine!

You promised.

They were right.

You lied to me.

You've been lying to me for years.

It doesn't matter anymore. You figured
him out. and that's what counts.

He said he cared about me.

He said that. one day. I'd be all right.

Well. I'm not all right. doc.

-And I'm gonna make you pay for it.
-Eddie. wait.

Oh. great! Bad publicity.

You know they've been talking series
with me and Joyce Brothers?

Eddie. please don't do it!

I have to. Harry.

Well. thanks for everything. Dr. Melnick.

Eddie. sweetheart.
you've got so much to live for.

-But I gave it all away.
-Oh. yeah. right.

So you live with this. you scum.

[ALL SCREAM]

[BREATHING HEAVILYI

Surprise.

I'm standing on top of the elevator.

I want you dead.

But whY-

You said I have so much to live for.

Well. what do you think. guys?
My first joke.

CHRISTINE: Ha. ha.
-It k*lled me.

Thanks for everything. guys.

Now if you'll excuse me.
I have a few zoos to check out.

Oh. by the way. Dr. Melnick...

[SN|FFS]

...I kept all the Swiss bank accounts.

I mean. I may be stupid...

...but I'm not crazy.

Hi. Dan.

Well. if it isn't Count Basie.

How'd you enjoy your evening
with the twins?

I wrote a poem about it.

This is volume one.

"'The Azzari Sisters:
An Adventure in Verse.'

By Bull Shannon."

Double your pleasure
Double your fun

I used to have yearnings
And now I got none

CROWD ICHANTINGI:
Eddie. Eddie. Eddie.

Eddie. Eddie. Eddie.

Eddie. Eddie. Eddie.

-Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.
-Mel. Mel. Mel.

CROWD: Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.
-Mel. Mel. Mel.