02x05 - Car Wars

[bunniefuu]

(Scoffs) no, absolutely not.

- Dad, just listen.
- I said no, douglas.

And no means no.

But...

The car?

Okay, bring me up to speed.

What came before no?

Nothing. I just
showed him the picture.

Uh, you gotta
get this car, doog.

Do you know how many
thousands of eligible females

Are out there
just waiting to jump

Into the back of a
classic convertible?

Don't tell me, tell him.

Dr. Howser...

Did doog tell you
about the owner?

A little white-haired old lady

Who only drove it to
church on sundays?

Vincent, this is a
family discussion.

Oh, you want me
to get mrs. Howser?

No, I want you
to stay out of it.

Okay, I'm out of it.

I'm switzerland. Neutral.

Douglas,

I am not against the idea
of you getting a new car.

Only the other day I saw a
marvelous little japanese import

That would suit you to a t.

I mean, great gas mileage,
reliable, cute as a button.

A wienie-mobil.

- Vincent.
- I'm out, I'm out.

Dad, vinnie's right.
This is my first real car.

I don't wanna look back in
20 years and think to myself,

"Uh, my first car,
cute as a button."

I wanna drive around
in something cool.

Obviously you don't understand
the appeal of a car like this.

As a matter of fact,
douglas, I do understand.

A 1957 chevy convertible
was the first car I ever owned.

I drove that car for 10 years.

So what's the problem?
You know it's reliable.

It was reliable in 1957.

Dad, I'm not entering
it at le mans.

I'm driving it to the hospital.

Exactly. Now what happens

If you're on an emergency
and you have a breakdown? Hmm?

Now, a car like
this is just fine

For a feckless high school
senior like vincent here.

Hey, I got as much
feck as the next guy.

You are a doctor. You
have responsibilities.

Dad, it's my money.

It's not your money yet.

Until you're 18, I'm still
in charge of your funds.

I'm involved in this decision,

And my decision is no.

This is great. We got him
right where we want him.

What are you talking about?

He started with no,
and he ended with no.

It was a bonanza of no's.

Doog, nobody knows
that word better than me.

There are nuances to
no that I have an ear for.

At first, I thought
we were sunk,

But then I saw an opening.

What opening?

The key words here are,

"That was the first
car I ever owned."

Men have a strong emotional
attachment to their first cars,

Which we are going
to ruthlessly exploit.

Trust me, doog.

I know how to play this
man like a hammond organ.

(Theme music playing)

This is great, doog.
Handles like a dream.

Yeah, with me pushing it does.

Doogie: this is like
fred flintstone's car.

Vinnie: hey, don't knock
it. Fred loved that car.

And you're gonna
love this one too,

As soon as we've
done some fine-tuning.

I really don't know about
this, vin. My dad is gonna flip.

Doog...

Do you remember mitzi?

Your psychotic cocker spaniel?

(Snorts) yeah.

I loved that dog.

Every time my old man yelled
at me, she'd snap at his knees.

Anyway, I didn't just ask
him if I could have a pet.

I brought her home first,

Got her to jump
up and lick his face.

After that, he couldn't say no.

In other words, we're
letting the car lick dad's face.

Exactly. Be happy, howser.

♪ See the usa in
a chevrolet... ♪

( Door bangs)

What's the meaning of this?

The meaning is, I am
not a child any more.

Uh... He hasn't bought it yet, dr. H.,
It's on approval for the weekend.

Did you let vincent
talk you into this?

- Dad...
- Hey, he's got a mind of his own.

I am 17 years old.
I am a physician.

Every day I go to work
and make adult decisions,

And then I come home
and you treat me like a kid.

That is exactly
how you're behaving,

Like a spoiled, willful child.

I am sick of you trying
to control my life.

I am not trying to
control your life.

I know more about
this than you do.

(Beeper beeps)

Oh, excuse me, do you
mind if I answer my beeper,

Sir?

Vincent, get that
heap out of my garage.

Well, um... I'd really
like to do that, dr. H.,

Unfortunately...

We had some mechanical
troubles on the way over

And now I can't seem
to get it started.

- Why not?
- Well, I don't exactly know.

See, mechanics isn't my strong
suit. I'm more of an artistic type and...

Uh-uh-uh-uh!

Boy, you are upset, aren't you?

No, I'm referring to the engine.

Did it go, "uh-uh-uh-uh"
or "click, click, click?"

Click, click, click.
But how did you know?

I couldn't afford a mechanic every
time something went wrong with my car.

Back in those days it
was man against machine.

(Sniffs, sighs) this
smell takes me back.

Looking at that engine

Is like looking down
the corridor of my past.

If only buzz could see me now.

- Buzz?
- Buzz valentine,
an old friend of mine.

You had a friend called buzz?

What's that short for, buzzard?

No, his real name was charles.

We were in college together.

When we graduated, we
decided to take one last spree

Before we put our
noses to the grindstone.

So we threw a couple
of sleeping bags

In the back of the car
and drove cross-country.

Route 66, all the way.

What a great adventure that was.

You, buzz,

And the old '57 chevy.

What a combo.

What a car.

- Man: no!
- Ray: take it easy, man.

Stay away! Don't come near me!

Calm down.

- (Metal rattling)
- (man grunting)

- Man: you okay with him?
- Hey... Hey, hey, hey.

Hold on, ray, what's
going on here?

I was gonna take a blood
sample, and he freaked.

Just like last time! They said
it wouldn't hurt and it did!

Frank, will you calm down?

He's not usually like this.

This is miss willis, she works at the
veterinary hospital with mr. Mirison.

Can you tell me
what's wrong with him?

You mean, besides being slow?

I don't know. He
keeps getting dizzy,

He even passed out
a couple of times.

We tried getting him to the
doctor, but he hates going.

Hi, frank. I'm doogie.

We just wanna look
at you. No needles.

(Grunts)

Frank, do you
like to play games?

No. I wanna go home.

You'd really like this game.

I'll make a deal with you.
We'll take it step by step.

It's called, "doogie says."

- (Grunts)
- now I'll tell you
to do something,

And if you think it's gonna hurt
at all, you don't have to do it.

- Hmm...
- Ready?

Doogie says, "put
down the tray."

- (Grunts)
- doogie says, "it's okay
to say no."

(Metal clanks)

Hey, you got me.
One point for you.

Doogie says, "sit
down on this bed."

- No.
- One point for me.

- You...
- All right.

All right, since you're new at
this, I'll let you take that back.

It's high.

Two points for you.

Frank, you're creaming me.

(Grunts)

This is an ophthalmoscope.

What it does is, it shines
a light into your eyes.

Okay? Doogie says,
"look straight ahead."

- No...
- It's all right.

You can inspect the equipment.

(Giggles)

It's funny, what did you give?

I can't tell you
till the game's over.

Right, doogie says,
"look straight ahead."

That's three points.

- I'm winning.
- Hmm.

The next thing I know,
buzz has pulled over

And two stunningly beautiful

Yute indian women

In native garb are climbing

Into the back seat of the car.

- Well...
- ( Metal clinking)

How much garb
are we talking here?

Upper garb, lower garb?

Vincent, these people
have a lot of ethnic pride.

Dr. H., I'm italian,

I know all about ethnic pride.

All right.

- Give her a try.
- (Vincent claps hands)

- (Motor starting)
- hey!

Dr. H, you're a
mechanical genius.

It's like you and
this automobile

Have this incredible...

- Rapport!
- Exactly.

Is this the infamous car?

It's beautiful! What's
your problem with it?

Well, I didn't say there
was anything wrong

With the car per se, dear.

I bet you'd look great
behind that wheel.

No wonder you had
all the girls after you.

Well, I suppose I
had a certain charm.

- ( Both chuckling)
- well, uh...

It's running...

I guess I better take it
back to the little old lady.

Just a second now. I don't want
you to get stranded on the freeway.

This is still a pretty temperamental
car, god knows what else is wrong with it.

Well... Well, I don't
want this piece of junk

Cluttering up your garage.

Well, i... I think,

Junk is an
exaggeration, you know.

Some people consider this
car to be a piece of americana.

You wanna climb in, doll face?

Yeah, come on, mrs. H.,

It's a genuine antique.

- ♪ Squeeze me
all so tight... ♪
- The car I mean.

♪ Show me ♪

♪ That you love me too ♪

That's it. Just make
yourselves comfortable.

- ♪ Put your
lips next to mine ♪
- plenty of room in the back

If you wanna stretch out.

(Laughs)

♪ Won't you kiss me once... ♪

- ♪ Baby? ♪
- I'll just close
the door on my way out.

♪ Just a kiss good night ♪

♪ Maybe ♪

(Both chuckling)

♪ You and I will fall in love ♪

♪ You and I will fall in love. ♪

You let him go?

I don't believe this.
How could you do that?

If a patient insists on leaving
the hospital against medical advice,

We have no choice
but to discharge him.

But the man has a large
bleeding colonic mass.

Without this
operation he could die.

I'm aware of that, doctor,
and so is the patient.

How can he be?
Mentally he's a kid.

Have you ever met a kid who
could conceptualize death?

As the psychiatrist on this case

It is my opinion that
mr. Mirison's degree

Of retardation does not preclude

His understanding of the
risks and benefits of surgery.

He functions
independently, he lives alone,

He holds down a job
and he pays his bills.

Look, frank is just like I
was when I had leukemia.

If it'd been up to me, I would
have said no to the treatment too.

I was six years old.

I didn't understand the danger.

All I knew was that I was
scared and I wanted to go home.

Dr. Howser, you're
absolutely right.

That's a good analogy.

Unfortunately
it doesn't help us.

Our hands are tied.

Well, mine aren't.

Ray, hold up.

Frank, I wanna talk to you.

My stomach hurts.

They did things
to me, and it hurts.

- I'm going back to work.
- Take it easy.

He just wants to talk.

Frank, I can't let
you walk out of here.

You're very sick, you
need this operation.

No operation!

You stay away from me!

Frank! Frank!

Man: hey, what d'you...

I know what the problem
is, I know how to solve it,

And he just won't listen to me.

How do you reason with
someone who thinks like a child?

Well, first you have to
be sure you're in the right.

I am.

Then you have to be as
difficult as they're being.

Never back down,

Even if it means a
screaming match.

And if all else
fails, fight dirty.

That ends justify the means,
is that what you're saying?

Hmm, I guess.

Now you're taking
dad's approach.

I'd like to think I'm a
little more enlightened.

I don't know why. You
sound exactly like him.

But... No, this is
completely different.

I'm a physician, trying to deal
with this seriously ill patient.

He is a stubborn dictator
who reads consumer reports.

Doogie, that's not fair.

(Car motor starting)

- Dr. Howser: whoa!
- Vincent: hey, dr. H.!

Vincent: you're like
the god of mechanics.

You know, for someone with an
aversion to antique automobiles

He sure is taking a lot
of interest in this one.

I know someone who
could probably help you

With your problem with frank.

Forget it. You're just
trying to get us to make up.

Oh, silly me, always
struggling for family unity.

A minor tune-up
and that car is...

Douglas.

Dad.

Boy, what a lemon.

Uh... I'm gonna
go up to my room.

- ( Dog barks)
- (mumbles)

Here you go, here you go,

Here you go, boo boo.

Bye bye.

- Hi, frank.
- Hey, boo boo...

Remember me?

I think we should have a talk

About the
operation. You need it.

- (Grunts)
- it's not good trying
to run away, frank,

I'm not leaving
till we settle this.

I won't listen.

Frank, I'm talking to you.

I know more about
this than you do.

No. You go home.

You're upsetting the animals

And dr. Caplan will be very mad.

Okay, okay, I won't
yell any more.

I have work to do.

( Dog barking)

Come here, poor baby.

Yes, yes.

Wow, who's this?

Little cesar.

He's been sick. You
need your medicine.

And... You're gonna
make him better?

Yeah. I love cesar,

And cesar loves me.

He loves me best.

He doesn't like
that much, does he?

Oh, he hates it.

I have to hold him tight.

And... And what happens if
you don't hold him down?

Huh... He'd run away.

Oh... He's very fast.

So, why don't you let him go?

Oh... He needs medicine.

- He doesn't understand that,
does he?
- No.

But I do.

I know what's best for him.

And I know what's
best for you, frank.

You're scared, just like cesar.

You wish you could run out.

And if I could hold
you down, I would,

But I can't, so...

So I'm asking you to listen to me,
because I know what's best for you.

Am I gonna die?

Not if you have this operation.

Will you tell dr. Caplan?

We'll both tell him.

Dr. Howser: ♪ day-o ♪

♪ Day-o ♪

♪ Daylight come and
we want to go home ♪

♪ Come mister tally man ♪

- ♪ Tally me bananas ♪
- hey, dad.

How's it going?

Well, it's not a pretty sight...

This rear seal.

Dad, we need to talk.

- Well, I know
what you're gonna say.
- No, I don't think you do.

I was gonna say, I think we
should take the car back.

- What?
- What?!

Today I had a lesson
in paternal feelings.

And for the first time I started to
understand what those feelings are.

And I realized that... That you're
not just trying to control my life.

You're trying to do
what's best for me.

So let's take it back,

Get something more sensible.

Oh, man!

I see what you mean, son.

This is a dream car
and the question is...

Can we live in a dream?

I say we give it a sh*t.

I'll take it back tonight.

Actually, I'll take
it back myself.

Uh... I promised to take
your mother for a spin.

Okay.

Did you ever wonder what it felt
like to get a lug wrench up your nose?

- Just calm down, vinnie.
- Calm down?

Two days, two days of route 66

And the saga of buzz valentine,

And you're telling
me to calm down?

You're k*lling me, howser.

- ( Knocking)
- dr. Howser: douglas.

I have something for you.

Well, the last couple of days

I've been thinking about

All the fun times
I had in my car,

The wonderful memories,
all those wonderful memories

That nourished
me over the years.

And I realized that...

You only get to do those things
at a certain time in your life.

And in your case,
that's right now.

Dad, are you sure? I mean, this is
not the most responsible choice.

(Laughs) no, no, it isn't.

But if anyone has
earned the right

To be a little bit
irresponsible, it's you.

I remember once...

You were about three...

And I had you in my lap on
the passenger side of the car

And this truck suddenly
pulled out in front of us.

And I held you so tight

That I left little finger
mark-bruises on you.

(Sighs) yeah,

That's the way it is with kids.

You hold them so tight,

Sometimes you hurt
them without meaning to.

You'll have to just
be patient with me, son.

I'm learning to let go.

(Theme music playing)