05x08 - Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge

[bunniefuu]

All right, little
baby, listen to me.

The game is played on a diamond,

With bases feet apart, ok?

Now, the object
is to hit the ball

And run around all the bases
more times than your opponent,

Who's pitching you the ball.

Now, when you hit the
ball you run to first.

Run, run, run, run, run, run.

Now, if the fielders
don't catch the ball

Before it hits the ground,
then what you do is...

[Snores]

[Whispering] I'll tell
you the rest tomorrow.

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart
as much as you ♪

♪ Let's take each other's hand ♪

♪ As we jump into ♪

♪ The final frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I'm mad about you ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo ♪

[Shatters]

It's a very natural fear. It is?

Yes. It's a terrifying proposition,
having sex with a pregnant woman.

Lower your voice please.

What? There's nothing dirty about
having sex with a pregnant woman.

Seems to me you're gonna
have to get comfortable

Saying "having sex with a pregnant
woman," if you want any hope of...

♪ I love a parade ♪

The point is this:

James is very fragile
to you right now.

I know, but you know what?

It's only since she
started showing,

Because I gotta tell you,
the beginning, her pregnancy,

Was really, it was
actually very erotic.

Now you realize there's
a little baby in there.

Yeah.

Yeah. You don't want
to hurt anything.

You don't want to do any damage.

I don't want any trouble.

That's right, you
know, you don't know.

You may poke him in
the eye or something.

Why do I gotta bother him?

I know. I know
exactly how you feel.

Oh, you do?

Yeah, sure.

You've had sex with
a pregnant woman?

Yes.

Who?

Well, you remember susan.

Susan with the hair?

That's right.

She was pregnant?

With child, yes.

And the father, I'm correct
in assuming was somebody...

It was not so much you?

Yes.

Oh, plecch, gee.

What?

Give the woman a break.

Is there no one else?

Could you not find someone
a little bit less busy?

Will you listen to me?

It was actually quite wonderful.

I mean, at first I
felt just like you.

I was terrified to touch her,

Afraid I might hurt her somehow,
you know, or hurt the baby,

But then I got over it.

How?

Well, I woke up one
morning, and I had a need.

I see, so you just put your
desires ahead of any danger

That it might have
caused her or the child.

No, no, I'm telling
you, it's like a horse.

It's not like a horse.

Well, yes. If god didn't mean for you to
sleep with women when they were pregnant,

He wouldn't make them
look so good during.

Who teaches you
how to think like that?

I'm telling you, desire
will get the better of you.

I don't think so. I don't
think so, my friend.

My next sexual
experience will be in july,

And you know what?
That is fine with me.

Well, if you won't do it for
yourself, at least do it for her.

What does that mean?

What? You don't think
she has needs, too?

Not now. No, she's gestating,
for... Come on, right?

No, believe me, jamie is
not interested in that now.

Not true, my friend who
knows all about women.

It's not?

I promise you.

So what are you saying?

So you're saying now I have to
have sex with a pregnant woman.

What's the matter with you?

Hi.

Hi.

How are you?

Good.

Just had the best dream.

Yeah? Tell me. Tell me
what the dream was,

And I'll tell you what it means.

We had sex.

That... That could be anything.

Seriously, you know how
dreams about other stuff

Like hot dogs and donuts
are often about sex?

So, too, dreams about sex
are often about other things,

Like hot dogs and donuts.

Or could be you
just want to have sex.

Don't you?

Yeah, yes.

You know, it's been a while.

Yes, it has.

Almost since I started showing.

No, really?

Oh, yeah.

So?

So?

And you're good?

Yeah.

Ok.

This is really good?

Yeah.

Ok.

You still fine?

What is the matter with you?

Nothing.

Why are you doing a
jack palance push-up?

What? No, I'm not.

Really?

What is wrong?

I just... I don't want
to break anything.

What?

I don't want to break
anything in there.

I don't want to break
the baby's house,

Or the area around
his house, his yard.

I don't want to break
the baby's yard...

Or his landlord. I don't
want to hurt his landlord.

Just want the baby to have
a nice, peaceful tenancy,

You know, and when he's done,
we'll just turn the place over.

We're not going
to break anything.

How do you know?

Because I know. I asked, I read.

The fact is, having sex
is actually good for me.

Really?

Yes. It allays anxiety,
it fights cramping,

It builds muscle
tone, and it's aerobic.

When done properly, sure.

Well, see, you have
nothing to fear

From the pregnant woman's body.

All right.

Sold.

What?

I have to throw up.

I'm so sorry.

No, no, no. Please,
don't be silly.

It just comes on
you, morning sickness.

It just att*cks out of nowhere.

Please, you don't
have to apologize.

My god, let's take
care of you, not me.

I'm fine. I'm...
I'm... I'm good.

It's not exactly the response
you look for, you know.

Kiss a girl and she
literally vomits,

But you know, that's all right.

I am so sorry.

Not at all.

, Years, I won't
even remember this.

Ok, ok.

So where is this
restaurant, algiers?

I don't know. Your
mother picked it out.

Please promise me no -hour
good-byes with your parents after lunch.

Promise.

I want to make it upstate while it's
still light so we can see the snow.

You think there's still
snow on the ground?

Yes. They had
inches yesterday.

Yeah, but did it stick?
What if it didn't stick?

It stuck.

Yeah, 'cause if it
didn't stick, then what?

Then we're driving upstate
to see what, cold cows?

I want us to have some
time alone together.

Hey, me, too. It
would just be nice

If there was a
little ground cover.

Do you understand? I'm
getting increasingly pregnant.

I understand that, yes.

Well, we don't have a lot of time left
for just the two of us to be together.

Pretty soon we're going to be
into the meat of the pregnancy.

Ooh, there's not a word
you need to use there.

And then months
from now, that's it.

Our lives will no
longer be our own.

I understand.

Ah, there it is, right there.

That's it.

. .

You all set?

Mm-hmm.

What?

You're really very pretty.

Thank you.

I have to throw up.

What, are they late?

We're gonna miss the snow now.

See, they don't care.

Isn't this place a little
funky for your parents?

Hey, my parents
still have some funk.

[People laughing]

Ma?

Hello.

Hey, hey, hi, hello.

Hi, hi.

How... How is everybody?

Oh, fine.

Oh, ju-just great. How are you?

We're good. We're fine.

Good, good. How
are you and leon?

Leon? The baby.

Apparently we're
naming the baby leon.

All right, so that's settled.

Leon's fine. Leon's mommy,
however, is a little queasy.

Oh, isn't that funny?

You know that I never
had so much as a dry heave

When I was pregnant with paulie.

bon appétit, everybody.

Wish I could say that.

No. I just refused to allow
myself to be nauseated.

You could do that?

She can do anything.

Bert.

Yeah, ok, before I
forget, here are the keys.

Murray gets a bowl
of dry in the morning

And then lots of
water all day long.

Yeah, lots of water.

All right, all right, all
right, what's going on here?

What? You know what.

It's like a hygiene movie
gone out of control.

You know that new
doctor I went to?

That dr. Gribitz that I
started seeing at mount sinai?

Yeah.

Well, as a preventative
measure to keep my bones strong,

He put me on a little
bit of estrogen therapy.

Saul gribitz is a
very good doctor.

Saul gribitz is a genius.

Aha.

It has a very
interesting side effect,

This... This, uh, estrogen.

Um, um, um, it... It... It...

It makes your
father... I mean, we're...

Well, I don't know how we
can say it delicately, but...

We're back in the saddle!

Nicely put, dad.

Let me just say it
has been incredible!

A little louder, 'cause they
can't hear you in the kitchen.

Listen, we have been
cutting a sexual swath

Through the new york
metropolitan area.

A sexual swath, you say?

Words: bronx zoo.

Ok, more words: please don't.

And the best part is, my
bones, never stronger.

See? Everybody wins.

Let me tell you something else.

It's making me eat like a horse.

What are you having?
I'm having the, uh, salmon.

Oh, my god. He's having fish.

Honey, it's a fish restaurant.

Uh-huh. Oh, my god.

You didn't see the big fish with
the funny hat over the door?

Uh-uh.

I think I'll have the sea bass.

You know, I might
actually have the trout.

Hey, you know what, guys?

Do you think carp is a
particularly fishy fish?

Excuse me.

She's not the strongest girl.

While she's at it, I'm
going to the room of men.

Order me the halibut.

He's got a great
ass, doesn't he?

Pretty much everyone on earth
is having great sex except us.

Honey, the minute
you stop throwing up...

I know.

How you doing there?

You change lanes one
more time, I'll k*ll you.

I don't care if there's
a deer in the road.

Gotcha.

The snow is pretty, though, huh?

It's great.

You know, there was a time when
any discussion of my parents and sex

Would have sent me screaming
from that restaurant.

I'm starving.

Hmm? I'm starving.

I thought you were nauseous.

I'm starving and nauseous.

Starving and nauseous?

Ok, all right, so we'll
pull off somewhere,

We'll get you a nice
big bowl of nothing.

Look, a barn.

I mean, do you realize
what happened back there?

My parents are having a graphic
discussion about their sex life,

I remain perfectly calm.

It represents a huge leap
of maturity on my part is all.

Very proud of you.
You did very well.

That's all I'm looking for.

I have to throw up.

Well, now I'm only starving.

All right, let's get
you something to eat.

This place is
great. Isn't it great?

Hey, get me. I'm eddie albert.

Well, I see pitchforks,
I see birdhouses,

I see shaving mugs,
I see no food at all.

Not true. Come here.

What about some
nice, delicious bait?

Wow.

Have you learned nothing today?

Sorry.

How about some nice fudge?

I'm sorry?

How about some nice fudge?

I have some nice
chocolate fudge here.

I was thinking about something
a little more substantial.

There's a pizza hut at exit .

Uh, no, i... How about
some nice fudge?

That would be great.

[Static]

Want some fudge?

Can't believe they
don't have cable here.

Really good.

Look, honey, more snow.

It's making me feel a
little weird, though.

Can't believe we're
approaching the millennium,

And I'm dealing
with rabbit ears.

Not bad weird, good weird.

Sort of like horny weird.

All right, I think I got it.

The only thing is...

The only problem is I can't
move from this position.

There goes channel .

Let's make love.

Don't you have to vomit?

No.

God, fudge, who knew?

You're actually, literally
excited by a dessert item?

Uh-huh.

Wow. What?

I don't know. I just...

I like to think of myself as not a
totally incompetent lover, you know,

Who places a
premium on foreplay,

And I just hate to know that you
could get the same thing from a snickers.

Not snickers, fudge.

Ok, when I say
snickers... Listen to me.

I'm not nauseous.
I'm not starving.

I don't know how long
this window will be open.

Let's go.

All right. I just, you know,

I just don't like knowing that, you
know, using fudge as a... As a sexual aid.

What if... All right, sir.

Mmm, bigger.

Little bit bigger.

Mmm, bigger.

Well, we are, to
quote a great american,

Back in the saddle!

Mm-hmm.

Are we out of fudge already?

Uh-huh. It served us well.

You know, they have this
thing up here where you can go,

You can watch a reenactment
of the battle of saratoga.

Mm-hmm.

They also have a thing
where you can, uh,

They have a loom.
You can work the loom.

It's an actual loom in james
fenimore cooper's house.

Hmm.

They also have a thing where
you can blow off the whole area,

Drive to the fudge store, and
then scurry off to the nearest bed.

We have a winner.

How's it going in
there, mrs. Gruber?

Mrs. Gruber: just hold
your damn horses!

All righty, let's
wrap that puppy up.

It has to cool.

Monkeys.

It is good to be home.

It sure is.

[Dog barking]

Hi, murray.

Hi, murray.

This picture's all crooked.

No, it's not.

You know what I'm
gonna do to you?

Tell me.

Very, very slowly, I am gonna...

Hey, hey, hey!

Aah!

You're back early.

You know what I
find fascinating?

Though barely one hour ago,

I saw my parents
naked... Naked in my bed,

Still, my sexual
appetite, undiminished.

Good.

Want to talk about maturity?

Most people don't live long
enough to be this mature.

Now you come here.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

What's the matter?

I don't have the feeling.

What feeling?

That feeling.

That good feeling.

That fudgy feeling.

Why not?

I don't know.

Did we get a bad batch?

We did rush her.

I told you we should
have let it cool.

It's the same fudge.

All right, all right, all right.

Don't panic, don't panic.

You know what? Come with me.

What are we doing?

There's something in the
fudge that works, right?

So maybe we have something
here that has the same thing in it.

Like what? I don't know,
but let's see what we got.

I ain't giving up
without a fight.

Honey, you know what?

Snackwells, here
we go, snackwells.

You like snack... We think
snackwells will work?

That has never
been my experience.

Ok, mallomars, the fatty
ancestors of snackwells.

Honey, I don't think so.

Try one, try one,
just try one, one.

Sweetie, I've been eating
mallomars since I was ,

And never so much as a twinge.

Ok, I feel something.

Sweetie, it's over. Let it go.

No, it's not over. Come
on, it can't be over.

That picture is crooked.

Huh? You know what it
is? You know what it is?

I know exactly what it is.

I will tell you what it is.

You and i, we don't need
fudge to be sexually fulfilled.

That fudge... It... It's just
a placenta, is what it is.

It's what?

It's not a placenta. What is it?

A placenta. When
you take a pill,

You think it's doing
something, but it's really not.

It's a pla... A
gazebo. A gazebo?

Placebo?

Placebo. It's a
placebo. Thank you.

That's what it is. That fudge...

It's just a placebo. Watch.

Honey.

See, we love each other.
We want each other.

Sweetie. We can't keep our hands

Off each other is the
god's honest truth.

Through everything.

Through vomiting
and parents in our bed,

And pregnancy. You and
i... That's the beauty of us.

Paul, paul.

What?

I'm just... I feel a little
bloated and achy.

All right, ok, watch this.

Thanks.

See?

Ow, ow.

What's the matter?

My back.

All right. Sorry.

Honey, you know
what? You know...

Oh, hey, say no more.

Is that ok?

It's self-understood, sure.

Thanks.

We can try again tomorrow.

Mm-hmm.

[Paul snoring]

Sweetie.

Aah!

You know, james, I understand.

It's a very natural fear.

Paul: honey, what
happened to the fudge?