05x18 - The Cockatoo

[bunniefuu]

What are you reading?

julius caesar.

Oh, for your shakespeare group?

Uh-huh.

That's so cool that
you do stuff like that.

I should do stuff like that.

It's good. Keeps
the brain sharp.

Keeps the wits
sharp, the iq up there.

Keeps you interesting
to your mate.

Huh?

Doesn't really matter.

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart
as much as you ♪

♪ Tell me all of your secrets ♪

♪ I'll tell you most of mine ♪

♪ They say nobody's perfect ♪

♪ Well, that's really
true this time ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't
have the answers ♪

♪ I don't have a plan ♪

♪ All I have is you, so, baby ♪

♪ Help me understand ♪

♪ What we do ♪

♪ You can whisper in my ear ♪

♪ Where we go ♪

♪ Who knows what
happens after here? ♪

♪ Let's take each other's hand ♪

♪ And jump into
the final frontier ♪

♪ Mmm mmm mmm ♪

♪ Final frontier ♪

James, put the book down.

Stop dilly-dallying. Get going.

I'm going, I'm going.

You got big things to
do. Big day for jamie.

What?

It's quittin' time!

Quittin' time.

Jamie, you're quitting today?

Yes, I am. Yeah, yeah.

She says she is, but
she tried times,

And then she just cannot
bring herself to do it.

I can do it. I'm just
worried about lance.

What's gonna become of him?

He will be fine
without you, believe me.

He's ready for this.
Trust me. He is prepared.

I can quit anytime I want to.

You know what you need? One of
those little withdrawal patches.

I'm waiting for the right time.

When would that be? Are you
going to just shout out the words

While actually having the baby?

No. I've been waiting
for lance's campaign

To get on an upswing,
and it's finally on one.

A huge upswing.

It is! We're up in the polls,

We finally have money coming in,

And, as a crowning achievement,

I've booked him on
newsnight with judy kaufman.

Wow! She had the
pope on last night.

You know that I've never,
ever seen newsnight?

Why not?

Well... It's on opposite popeye.

What happened to
all the umbrellas?

Huh?

The umbrellas.

Oh, I think I have
some in my office.

How many?

.

[Rawk rawk rawk]

Oh! Oh, my god! What is it?

Hey, fran, fran, it's a bird.

You say that like this
happens all the time.

They go for the eyes!

They don't go for the eyes.

What the hell is a
bird flying in here for?

You left the window wide open.

Since when is that an
invitation to exotic birds?

If we leave the door open,

Is a cougar gonna walk in?

I have to get to work
and lead fran to safety.

Will you get rid of it, please?

Yeah, I'll do that, 'cause,
as you know, I am a falconer.

Hey, murray...
Take care of that.

What am I paying you for?

It sounds like a really
great plan... I think.

You boys think you have
the cojones to do this?

Yes.

Yes, arthur.

The tv studio's
been taken care of.

Is everything set on your end?

Everything's set.

If this goes down
the way you promised,

We will be most appreciative.

How... Appreciative?

This is just a taste.

Oh, my favorite flavor.

[Whispering]

Morning.

Aah! Oh.

Maybe enough coffee
for today, troy?

Uh... Uh, sorry. I
just, uh... Nice blouse.

Yes, uh, good workmanship.

Uh, may it sustain
many washings.

Thank you. What were
you guys doing outside?

Outside?

Outside. Outside.

Outside. In the alley.

I just saw you. What
were you doing?

Oh.

Having a catch.

Having a catch?

Yes. We were having a catch.

Huh. Why did that man
hand you an envelope?

What envelope?

Oh, this envelope.
Oh. Well, I had this one,

And, uh, I asked him to hold it
while we were playing catch.

Hello, everybody.

Hey, lance! Hey, who's
better than you are?

Nobody, that's who. Ha ha!

Ha ha.

Jamie, i-i'm sorry
I'm late. My wife...

She had this silly dream that something
terrible would happen to me today,

And she begged me to stay home.

That's so weird. I'm
reading julius caesar.

His wife does the
exact same thing.

And... And what's the terrible
thing that happens to him?

He's stabbed to death in public.

Ooh, that would be terrible.

Yeah. Ha ha.

Whenever you're
ready, I want to drill you

For your big newsnight
interview today.

Oh, my god.

That's it! That's
the terrible thing!

Lance, it's national exposure.

Yeah, but it's... It's
with judy kaufman.

That woman tears people to ribbons.
Did you see what she did to the pope?

That's because he wasn't
briefed. You will be.

It's gonna be the best thing that
ever happened to your campaign.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I am
terrible at those things.

My... My mind goes blank. I
can't remember anything.

I say the first thing
that pops into my head.

I mean, let's face it, jamie,
I choke under pressure.

Why I think I can be
mayor is beyond me.

You've gone on television
before. You've done fine.

Just be yourself. That's
what people respond to.

Ok, be myself. Be... My... Self.

Maybe a slightly idealized
version of yourself.

Right. Right.

I will be with you the whole
time. I will not leave your side.

You promise? Of course.

Oh, that makes me
feel so much better.

I don't know what I'd
do without you. Uh-huh.

Don't chicken out. This is
a big opportunity for us.

And if lance brockwell has
to get hurt for it to happen,

Then that's just
too bad for him.

What's gonna hurt lance?

Jamie! Hi!

Um... I was just saying
that if lance brockwell

Ever knew how much
we cared for him,

He would be so overcome with joy

That his heart
would actually hurt.

That's what you were saying?

Did you overhear anything else?

No.

Then yes.

Ok.

Lance, can I talk to
you for a second?

Sure.

Now, I know this is
gonna sound crazy,

But I think you may be the
victim of some sort of plot.

What? I know.

I know it sounds crazy,

But I happen to be
reading julius caesar,

And I swear it's
playing out here.

Troy and vladimir are
like brutus and cassius,

And they're trying
to destroy you.

Those two? Ha ha ha ha ha!

Hey, vladimir. Is
my wife around?

Oh, jamsie. She's
talking to mr. Brockwell.

Ok. What'd you call her?

Jamsie.

Jamie.

Jamsie. Jamie.

Jamsie.

Jamie. Jamsie.

Jamie.

Jamsie. Jamie.

Jamsie. Jamie.

Jamsie. Jamie.

Jamsie.

Ok. Yes.

And then this morning a
cockatoo flew into our apartment,

And that's in the play.

It's gotta be some kind of omen.

Oh, jamie, you are so cute!

Ha ha. I remember,
early in my career,

I was reading crime
and punishment,

And I did the exact same thing.

I... I saw parallels
all over the place.

Everywhere I looked, there
was crime and punishment,

Crime and punishment.

'Course, I was working in
the d.a.'S office at the time.

Please just promise me
you'll be careful around them.

I will.

You found a cockatoo?

Well, actually... It found us.

Why don't you just k*ll it?

k*ll it?

You know, squish
it with your foot.

It's... It's not a
bug, you know?

It's a fairly large bird.

So spray it. Spray it
and throw it in the trash.

That's what I would do.

Boy, new york is just
losing its small-town feeling.

Hey.

Hi.

What are you doing here?

Xeroxing for free. Oh.

Plus I am taking my suddenly
jobless wife out for lunch.

So? So? How'd he take it?

Fine.

I haven't told him yet.

What are you doing?

It's not a good time. Something
is going on around here.

Yes. You are procrastinating.

I need a bigger envelope.

I'm not procrastinating. Troy and
vladimir are plotting against lance.

What are you talking about?

I'm serious. It's just
like julius caesar.

[Whispering]

Paul: who, yippy and yappy?

You will see. They're
acting very shifty.

Here, jamie. You're
gonna need this.

It's the directions to
the newsnight studio.

[Whispering] did you see that?

[Rawk rawk] shoo!

Shoo!

[Rawk rawk]

Hey! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!

[Rawk rawk rawk rawk]

Looking down at us. What
do you suppose he's thinking?

He's thinking, boy, both those
guys are losing their hair.

Yeah. Come... Come here.

Listen to me. Do you have any
idea how much that thing is worth?

Cooked or raw?

[Rawk rawk]

I'm not kidding. This
thing is an exotic bird.

It's worth, like, grand.

Get outta here.

I'm serious.

Somebody paid $ , for that?

Yeah.

People just have too much money.

Pauly, the guys use
this to meet women.

You know, it's, like,
instead of dogs.

You teach 'em how to talk, and
then they hit on chicks for you.

How lazy could you get?

They say things that
you can't say, like...

"Nice ass."

Hey, cut it out.

Nice ass. Stop it.

Nice ass. What's
the matter with you?

Nothin'.

You know what? I tell
you what we should do.

We should capture it. We
should sell it to a pet store.

No. What are you doing?

Shh! Gotta sneak up on it.

I saw this on daktari.

Oh, i...

[Rawk rawk] yeah,
yeah, yeah! All right!

Now what do we do? I got a plan.

It looks so sad.
Looks melancholy.

I got a melancholy cockatoo.

Here.

What's going on? What is this?

Put those on. Pretend we're in
the bleachers at yankee stadium.

We're at yankee stadium,
but we're making soup?

Shh. Come on.

Oh, I don't like this at all.

You ready? Ready... Jump!

[Rawk rawk] jump! Hey, hey, hey!

Ready? Jump!

See a sort of
pattern developing?

That's not working.

I got an idea.

What?

Ready? Shoo!

Where is everybody?

Are you here for sex date?

Here. Fill this out.

I'm months pregnant. I've
actually already had my sex date.

I'm looking for newsnight?

Oh. newsnight.

Uh, they tape across town.

Oh, god. What?

Have you ever
read julius caesar?

Uh, no, but there is a great star
trek novel where kirk meets him.

Pauly, let me handle this.
Watch the master at work.

Ok, me and my friend here,
we've been thinking it over,

And, you know, it seems
like , would be fair, huh?

I'll give you .

We'll take it.

No, no. . Come on,

You got a bird in the front
window exactly like that for grand.

I'll give you .

All right. We'll take it. No!

Look, the nice man
is gonna give us $ .

$ Is better than nothing.
What's the matter with...

It's now .

Ok, we're losing money on this.

He's bluffing.

!

? Ok, see what's happening?

It's evaporating right as
we... If you would listen to me...

.

! It's all going away
right before our...

Don't worry about
it. He's bluffing. $ .

$ . Ok, why
don't we take that?

It'll at least cover our time.

Zero.

What'd you say?

I will give you
zero for this bird.

Zero?

Not... Not ?

Zero.

? ? , , Those
are all gone now?

That's right. Zero.

Ok. We're just gonna come
back in. We'll try this again.

God, this is it?

This is where they do newsnight?

Why is there only one chair?

Lance, your naivete
is so endearing.

newsnight is based
in washington.

You'll do the show
from here by remote.

Really! Boy, I'll just...

I'll never get the hang
of this new technology.

Anyway, lance,

Let's get this behind your ear.

Vladimir, don't just stand there

Like you're waiting on line
for toilet paper in moscow.

Help me.

Wait... Oh, ahh. What's this?

This is the earphone so you can
hear judy kaufman's questions.

It's also how I'll be able to
communicate to you from the booth.

Now, you're on in
exactly... One minute.

One minute?! Oh, god. No, I
can't do this. Where's jamie?

[Honk honk] [honk honk]

[Honk honk] [honk honk]

[Honk honk] [honk honk]

[Honk honk honk honk]

Not to worry, lance.
Everything's under control.

[newsnight theme plays]

Whew.

Hello!

I'm judy kaufman in washington,

And welcome to newsnight.

My guest this evening is new york
mayoral candidate lance brockwell.

Good evening, lance.

Uh... Ha ha ha!
I'm... I'm sorry.

Say, "good evening, judy."

Uh... G-good evening, judy.

[Elevator bell rings]

If I am elected mayor,

I pledge to lower... My pants.

My pants.

No. Taxes.

Mr. Brockwell, have
you been drinking?

Troy: yes.

Yes.

No.

No. Uh, you see,
judy, drinking dulls...

The dr*gs. The dr*gs.

No, uh, the senses.

Can I please take this
thing out of my ear?

Judy: you will not be
able to hear my questions.

Hey!

Jamie!

Jamsie!

Jamie? It's judy.

Yippee!

Lance, don't
acknowledge me on the air.

Security's on their way.

I don't care.

Mr. Brockwell, do
you need a minute?

Jamie: no, lance, you can do it.

Just use your own
words and be yourself.

What I was gonna say is...

That my first act as mayor

Would be to restructure
the tax system,

Thereby creating a surplus that
could be funneled into education.

Bird? Looking for a bird?

Free bird.

Would you like a
bird? Here you go.

Why is nobody taking our fliers?

Fliers. Nobody
takes fliers anymore.

I do. How do you
think I found out

About that whole
mafia-vatican connection?

Just let the poor
cockatoo go, all right?

He doesn't want to
go. I asked. So ask again.

Here.

Hey, little bird. Want to fly?

Here. Fly.

Go. Go on.

Fly away.

Be free.

Fly like a bird.

Be a bird.

Free.

Fly. No.

So keep him.

I don't want him.

Fine. Give him away, then.

Give him away to who?

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Could we interest
you in a "cockertoo"?

Oh!

I guess she misunderstood.

Bird. Bird.

Lance, you did great!

Ohhh... Thanks.

I did, didn't i?

Just great.

Ha ha. You know, I really feel

Like I'm on an upswing here.

Gracie mansion, here I come.

Ha ha ha!

Boy, I'm really feeling
good about myself.

You know what I
just realized, jamie?

What?

Ha ha ha! I'm the man.

Lance, that's... That's great,

'Cause there's something
I've been wanting to tell you.

What's that? I'm sure you
know what I'm about to say.

No. Ha ha ha.

Well, I imagine you've known
this day has been coming

For a long time. I have?

Well, lance, as I'm
sure you've surmised,

I'm quitting the campaign.

What do you mean?

Well, I'm pregnant,
so it seemed... What?!

Well, I'm having a baby.

Well, this is a hell of a time!

I did tell you.

Well, I can't
remember every detail.

I'm trying to keep my
head above water here.

Oh, my god. This is terrible!

Lance, please.

you please!

You're not making
this very easy on me.

Easy on you? you're
ruining my life here!

Please don't go.
Don't have a baby.

What? Well, you're k*lling me!

You're ripping my guts out here!

You'll be fine. Really,
it's gonna be fine.

[Sighs]

[Sighs]

Listen, i... I've gotta go.

[Sobbing]

Lance, listen to me.

Listen. I've... I've really
enjoyed working together,

And my hope is that
we can do it again.

[Sobs]

Well... Bye.

[Answers unintelligibly]

[Sobbing]

So what was baretta really like?

I heard he was pretty intense.

Not even a chuckle from you?

Huh?

What are you
reading now, othello?

Nah, not really.

Want to watch newsnight?

Oh, god, no.

Want to watch popeye?

Ok.

Good. This is good.

I love that you're
here. This is so good.

We can watch tv.
We can hang out.

We can watch shows

That have absolutely
no redeeming value.

I'm so glad you quit.

What are you doing?
[popeye theme plays]

What?

Do you really think I want
to sit here and watch popeye?

Well, green acres is on, too.

You like that.

What have I done?

What do you mean, what
have you done? You quit.

You promised you were
gonna quit, and then you quit.

I like my job.

I love my job.

How do I know I'm
going to like this?

What?

How do I know I'm
gonna like doing this?

How do you know you're
gonna like being a mother?

Shh!

Well... It's a little late now.

I mean... Hey, we can't
get our deposit back.

Believe me, I know.

It's... You know, it's like when
we were getting married.

You were very happy
being single, right?

Yeah.

But you traded that in.

You got married, and that
was a big risk, wasn't it?

Yeah, it certainly was.

So let me ask you. How
did that work out so far?

So far, not terrible.

So?

So?

So?

So?

So?

So shut up.

All right.

[Doorbell buzzes]

You know, sometimes
I'm very clever.

You're a very lucky woman.

You're a very lucky bird.

[British accent] you
found my cockatoo.

That's your bird?

Oh, van gogh, you're alive!

He flew out the window while
I was airing the living room.

His name is van gogh?

I never thought
I would say this,

But I am enormously
grateful. Here.

Oh, isn't that nice?
Look, honey... $ . .

Van gogh, I'm so happy.

I must say, I'm
very appreciative.

You know, he talks.

Really? Yes.

He says, "pretty eyes."

Really.

Yes. I taught him
myself. Watch this.

Van gogh, what's
mommy's best feature?

Nice ass.

So... So where are you from?

I'm from, uh,
trenton originally.

I moved out here in
the early seventies.

Some old lady owned me for a
couple of years, but she passed on.

So then I got sold to
some store on th street.

That's where this
british lady got me.

I got a brother down in
baltimore. I never see him.

That must be tough 'cause
you can't write him or anything.

I know!

Hey, you want something to eat?

I could eat something.

Is that a yes or a no?

If you're making, I'll have.

I'm not making,

But I'll make something for you.

I don't want to be a bother.

It's too late for that.