07x16 - Millennium Bug

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[Scary music plays]

Oh...

God.

Murray.

Ohh.

All right,
I owe you one.

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart
as much as you ♪

♪ Let's take
each other's hand ♪

♪ As we jump into ♪

♪ The final frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you,
baby ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

I had the wildest dream
last night.

I was in this old library,
and who's standing there?

Albert einstein.

How do you know
it was albert einstein?

'Cause he said, "hi.
I'm albert einstein."

Oh.

And then--
and then he told me

This complicated
mathematical formula,

And then...it's funny.
Like, he took a bite

Of a, like,
a chicken salad sandwich.

And then he started...
He was, like, tugging

At the seat
of his pants.

Einstein had a wedgie?

Couldn't believe it.

Then what happened?

Then I woke up, and I tried
to write down the formula.

And this is it?
This is most of it.

I--i can't remember
the whole thing.

Well, don't be too hard
on yourself. You were sleeping.

I know, but I remember
the chicken salad so vividly.

Let's be honest. It may actually
not be a real formula.

Well, as a matter of fact,

There's some really
very interesting things

Going on
in the denominators.

As you would know because of
your extensive background

In mathematics.

Hey, I was in
mu alpha theta.

I'm sorry?

The math honor society--
mu alpha theta.

So named because
the greek letters

Mu, alpha, and theta?
Together..."Math."

The math honor society.

Why didn't you
ever tell me that?

That's not the kind of thing
you want to tell a woman

Until, like...year .

Oh, no.

What's the matter?
No! Oh, my god!

What happened?
I can't believe it!

What happened?

Oh, my god!
I'm asking what happened.

Tell me you didn't take this
to zippy cleaners.

I--what's the difference?

They're dry cleaners.
They're all the same.

But zippy's--
they got that bowl of candy

Right on the counter there.

You bring a $ dress

To an incompetent
because he gives you candy?

He's a butcher,
zippy cleaners.

We'll go back, we'll talk to
him, and I'm sure he'll fix it.

All right? And then,
on the way out,

We'll grab
some of those candies.

They're so good, you just
want to chew 'em right up.

Paul.

But the dress--
that's the tragedy, really.

That's a bleach stain.

Yes, it is. Um...

I think you're
sort of responsible

For that bleach stain.

Well...forgive me,

But we don't use bleach
in our cleaning process.

That's the old days.
We're very modern here.

Look at us!
Yes, you are.

You are very modern.
And again, forgive me...

But there was no bleach stain
when my husband sort of

Tragically brought
the dress in here.

Yet there was
a mighty bleach stain

When he picked it up.

You. Uh, forgive me,
but you picked up the dress.

I did. Yes, I did.

Forgive me,
but I must ask you.

Is it possible

That the dress
acquired the bleach stain

Afteryou left here?

No. That would've required
some interaction with bleach,

Of which... I had none.

Did you--
again, forgive me...

But did you
inspect the dress

Before you left here?

Did I inspect... Uh...
Not as such, no.

I just simply trusted
that the dry-cleaning process

Had successfully
been completed.

So therefore--
and again, forgive me--

But it ispossible.

I...gue--i, you know,
technically, i--

Honey, I was doin'
just fine here.

I didn't inspect the dress.
What goes on in there?

Nothing! Nothing
goes on in there!

I'm terrible sorry
to ask, sir,

But would you mind
reimbursing us for the dress?

I, uh--forgive me.

I can't do that,
but please have a candy.

No, thank you.
No. No candy.

Are you sure?

Take one. Take one for me.
No candy, thank you.

Ok. Well, uh, forgive me,
but, uh, next!

Forgive me.

So what do you think,
hal?

Mm.

What?

Aha.

What?

Ooh.

What?

It's astonishing, really.

Yes. What?

You have dreamt
what appears to be

A partial solution to
the millennium bug.

The millennium bu--

What, where the computers
are supposed to stop working?

Yes. You see,
computers denote a year

Using only
the last digits.

As far as they know,
a year only begins with .

Idiots.

So when they see
the " " in " ,"

They're going
to think it's .

Wow. So then what?

Credit cards won't function.

Satellites
will plunge to the earth.

No internet,
no television,

No fax machines,
not even phones.

Governments will crumble.

There'll be rioting
in the streets.

Will alarm clocks
still work?

Yes, but you'll be
waking up to absolute chaos.

Oh, sure.

That is such
a bunch of hooey.

No. It's a very real danger,
actually.

It's a paranoid delusion.
The millennium will come,

We'll have a doughnut,
watch a parade,

And that'll be that.

You're right, of course.
Poor girl.

What are you gonna do?

Your expertise in this area
comes as somewhat of a surprise.

Aw, well, listen,

I was in a math
honor society in college.

Not mu alpha theta?

You've heard of it?

Oxford chapter,
thank you very much.

No.

Uh-huh.

Greetings, math brother.

Felicitations,
math brother.

I can't believe you ever
had a girlfriend.

You know, I'm really intrigued
with your use of logarithms.

What, are you kiddin'?
Logarithms.

That was my best thing.

All right, all right.
Tell me what you think of this.

"Dear zippy cleaners, I write
to convey my deep displeasure

At the ruination of my $
shelli segal cocktail dress."

The limit of of x-squared
over equals .

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Hello, math brothers.

So I'm thinking I'll call it
"the paul formula."

You know?
Or "the p.b. Solution."

You know, keep it simple.

Or maybe
"buchman's last theorem."

You know, something dynamic.

How about "buchman's boring
pointless dream about nothing?"

Jamie.

To me, the big question is,
how will history view it?

You know. I mean,
where will I fit in

On the continuum
of great thinkers?

Will I be penalized

For actually not technically
having been awake?

You know? Or-or maybe
will that add luster?

You know, maybe...
I-i guess what I'm sayin' is,

Will I be isaac newton

Or some guy
who just couldn't sleep?

Jamie, what are you doin'?

I don't see why
his millennium bug

Is more important
than my dry cleaning.

We're on paul now.

Fine. Will you please
at least tell him

The millennium bug
is just a big hype?

What, are you kidding?

Jamie, the millennium bug scares
the living crap out of me.

All of my patient files
could be destroyed.

And that's just
in my little world.

Out on the streets?
My god. Famine, pestilence...

Russians, fire,
and probably rabies.

You know the guy who lives under
the williamsburg bridge?

He's comin' for us.

Excuse me
just one second.

Hello. Yes, she's here.
It's chicken little for you.

You're gonna be
one sorry sister, sister,

If when the year
rolls around,

You don't have
gallons of water,

A solar generator,
and a ham radio.

And don't come cryin' to me
for gold bullion,

'Cause mama's
not givin' you any.

I won't.

Paul, we've got to get the
rest of that formula out of you.

Let's say for one second
everything you fear is true.

You really think
he dreamt up the solution?

Jamie, the subconscious
can be a very powerful tool.

That's right, honey.

Besides which,
I always figured paul

Had to be a little smarter
than he seems.

Thank you.

My recommendation would be

That we try to recreate
the einstein dream.

Well,
how-how do we do that?

Well, as best you can.

You need to replicate
the events of last night

So you're thinking similar
thoughts when you go to sleep.

Right, right.

Now, uh, based on the importance
of the subject matter,

I'd like to come to your home
to facilitate and observe.

At no extra charge,
by the way.

Really?
You're coming to our home?

No extra charge?

I really think it'll help.

Well, let's do it! Yeah!
Great!

Good, good.
Good.

Oh, gosh. Uh, jamie,
you had something?

Oh, never mind.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

I'm sorry, but I can't
replace the dress.

Well, I'm sorry,
but I'm very upset about that.

I know. I'm sorry.

Perhaps there's some other way
I could make restitution.

What kind of restitution?

Well, forgive me,
but how about free dry cleaning?

Well, I beg your pardon,
but unlimited free dry cleaning?

Uh, well, yes. Unlimited.

But forgive me,
offer ends tuesday.

Well, forgive me,
but today's monday.

I'm sorry,
but you are correct.

So in other words,
and forgive me,

You're offering us
unlimited free dry cleaning

For the next hours?

Forgive me, but, yes.

Take off your jacket.

It's clean.

And your sweater. Let's go.

And you had
the same meal yesterday?

Yes, we did.

Good. Good.

What?

Nothing.

Love salmon.

Oh, god. Forgive us.

Would you like to join us?

No, no, no. I'm good.

Are you sure? Because we could--
no, no. Good, good, good.

No. We have to replicate
last night exactly,

Or you're much less likely
to have the same dream.

Ok.

Ok.
That's fine.

Are you sure?
'Cause there's plenty.

Ok, then. I'm starving.

[Doorbell buzzes]

Mrs. Peterson went long,
so I didn't get to eat.

She's a psycho, that one.

I swear to god, one day,
she is gonna k*ll her husband,

And there's not a damn thing
anyone can do about it.

Now, that sucker
better quit drinkin'

And stop dressin' up
in women's underwear

And get the hell
out of there.

Greetings,
math brother.

Felicitations,
math brother.

What the hell is that?

Hal, this is sheila.
Sheila, this is hal.

Hello. Any progress?

No. Well, we're still very early
in the re-enactment.

All right. This is all
so exciting.

I've got my colleagues
in the math department

Waiting on tenterhooks.
Oh, boy. Ok.

Ooh,
is that salmon?

There's none left.

Actually, yes. There is.

Would you like to stay
for dinner?

Would i? Ohh.

I love my margaret,

But her cooking is runny,
tasteless, and beige.

Was he here
last night?

No.
No.

Well, he may upset
the re-enactment.

Really?

Aren't you worried
yourbeing here

Might upset
the re-enactment?

Don't hog the potatoes.

[Knock on door]

Sheila,
is everything ok?

Uh-huh.
What's prednisone?

It's for murray.

Uh-oh.

Sweetie,
where are all my clothes?

Zippy cleaners.

Anything I can do for you,
math brother?

Stay close,
math brother. Honey...

You gave all my clothes
to zippy?

I saved you overalls
and a vest.

Great. Now I can go to
a black-tie hoedown.

You're out of conditioner.

Wha-- I'm sor-- are you-
are you staying over?

Well, sure. You may not
be dreaming for hours yet.

Ok...

Why don't you
give me a rundown

Of what you did last night
after dinner?

Ok. Got it all set up.
First, we sat here,

We watched the rest of
the crimes of leon gabloszj.

It's a czechoslovakian
action film.

It's-it's bleak,
but it's pulse-pounding.

Then we watched that,
and then, uh,

Jamie and I had a fight,
and then we went to bed.

Good.

He was chewing so loudly,
I couldn't hear the movie.

I wasn't chewing that loud.

Why don't you reenact that?

All right.

[Clears throat]

[Suspenseful music plays]

[Woman speaking
foreign language]

[Crunching]

[Woman speaking
foreign language]

[Soft crunching]

What are you doing?

I'm eating potato chips.

That is not how
you were chewing last night.

Sure, it is.

You were hurting those chips
last night.

I was not.

He doesn't want to chew
in front of you.

Paul, are you chewing falsely?

No, not at all.
So falsely.

Aw, come on. This is exactly
what I was doing.

Paul, chew louder. Good.

[Chewing louder]
and...

Begin fighting.

[Chewing loudly]

Paul?

Yes, dear.

You're chewing so loudly,
I can't hear the movie.

Honey, it's subtitled.

[Chews loudly]

I can't even hear
the sporadic musket fire.

Ok, th-- this isn't
working for me.

What?
You're just phoning it in.

I'm not phoning it in.
Are you phoning it in, jamie?

No.
Phoning it in. Yes, you are.

Ok, ok, ok.
Let's just try again. Ok?

Paul, chew, please.

[Crunching loudly]

Jamie, insult him, please.

[Loud crunch]

What are you eating, a car?

Oh, come on. You can
do better than that.

[Loud crunching]

What are you eating,
a car, goat boy?

Excellent.

Do you know what
I wanted tonight, paul?

I wanted a nice quiet night
wrapped in your arms,

Watching a movie.

Instead, I have to re-enact
some previous dismal evening

And listen to you chew
like a camel.

You wasted my night,
you ruined my dress,

And you are far too absorbed

With that stupid,
meaningless dream.

There is something
in you, paul.

You are the most generous person
in the world,

But deep down, there's just you
in the universe, isn't there?

And if yours is a world
that only has room for one,

If saving society
means preserving your right

To make that kind of racket
when you feed yourself,

Then I say let the
millennium bug destroy us all.

Then after the fight,
we went to sleep.

[Sheila whispering] ok.
I think he's starting to dream.

Hello again,
mr. Einstein.

What's happening?

Shh. This is it.
My god.

And what'll it be today?

Number clippers
on the sides and in the back.

A little longer on top,
tapered, and short sideburns.

Any gel today?
No gel. Ok.

Oh, for pete's sake. Paul.

Wake up.
What happened?

What happened?
You were dreaming.

I was. Yes.
I--ooh.

Paul: yeah.

I saw him again.
I saw einstein.

I saw him, but
we weren't in a library.

We were in a-- we were in, like,
a...a beauty parlor...

We know.

Thing. And I was
a woman named claire.

Really.

Yeah. I had marvelous breasts.

Steady,
math brother.

You know, paul, you may not be
dream re-enactment material.

Well...great. So,
what do we do now?

Well, there's really nothing
we can do.

Except... I once took a seminar
in regression therapy.

You know, the patient
is taken back in time

To relive a certain moment.
In this case, your dream.

And you know how to do that?

I'm...a couple of credits shy
of a certificate,

But ...i can give it a whack.

Is it safe?

Sure.
Then let's do it.

Sweetie, don't you think--
no. Let's just do it.

Go ahead. Go ahead.
Regress me. Regress me.

All right. Ok. Well, uh,
paul, sit down and relax.

Ok.

Ok, good. Uh, jamie,
I need something for paul

To hold in his hand.

Paul, hold the teddy bear
in your hands.

All right, sir.

Now, uh, extend your arm out
in front of you.

Ok.

And do not
let the teddy bear drop.

Ok.

All right. I'm going to
count back from ,

And as I get closer to one,

You will feel
more and more relaxed. Ok?

, , ...

Remember to hold on
to the teddy bear.

I'm good
with the bear.

, , ...
Don't let it drop.

... ...

That is amazing.

Ha ha. Ok.
Well, uh, ok.

Now, uh, paul...
We are going back in time.

You are working on
a mathematical formula.

Can you remember
that time?

Yes.

Good. Uh, go there, paul.

Uh, uh, find yourself there.
What's happening?

Solving for "x"
gives us the variable--

Ow. Ow.

That hurt.

Ow. Ow.

What's happening?

I don't know.

Ow. I'm goin' to
mr. Palmer.

And-and when he finds out,
you're gonna get detention,

You big-you big
jerkwater jerk from jerkville.

He's back
in high school.

I must've regressed him
too far.

What?
It happens.

Ow. Ow.

Sweetie, hit him back.

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Ok. Ow. Ow.

Ow. Stop it. That hurts.
Stop it, linda.

Oh.

Paul. Paul. Moving forward
in time. Moving forward.

Ok, doc, it's this tooth
right here. Yeah. Ow.

Oh, by the way, jamie,

Before we move out of
paul's formative years,

Would you like me
to change anything about paul

To make him a little more
to your liking in later life?

Wow. Really?

Hey, we're here.

[Spits]

Never mind. He's perfect.

All right. Paul?

We are now moving forward
in time.

Uh, talk to me
as you retrace your life.

Boy, that-that horshack--
he really cracks me up.

What's that,
the dodge dart? Cool.

Hi.
What's your major?

Come back.

Service department,
please.

Yes, I'll hold.

[Whistles tune]

What kind of life is that?

Paul, you're moving forward
into your dream last night.

You're in the library
with albert einstein.

Hi, mr. Einstein.
Nice to see you.

That's a great-lookin' sandwich.
What is that, chicken salad?

Don't dwell on the sandwich.

Get to the formula--
specifically the second part.

Mr. Einstein, I was wondering
about the formula,

Uh, especially
the second part.

X squared plus ?

Here, paul.

Uh-huh. X squared plus .
And then--

Oh, cosine. Oh. Ok.
Uh-huh. Square--ok.

Uh-huh. Ok.

Uh-huh. Got it.

Mm-hmm.

Ok. Oh. Ok.

Ok. Got it.

Thank you very much,
mr. Einstein.

Ok, you can
wake up now, paul.

Mr. Einstein, are you--
you gonna eat your pickle?

Thanks.

[Crunching loudly]

You hear that?
Like a goat.

All right. Paul,
you're gonna wake up now.

Wake up, paul.
Wake up, paul.

Ok, I'm up. I'm up.
What happened? Did you get it?

We got it. The second half
of the formula.

Now all we have to do is
combine it with the first part.

Great. It's, uh,
it's in my jacket pocket.

Forgive me, but the clothes
are not ready yet.

Forgive me, but when?

In autumn... Forgive me.

Or maybe never,
forgive me.

By the time your clothes
are ready,

They will have gone out
of style, forgive me.

That's enough candy,
forgive me.

Forgive me.
No.

You forgive me.

You accuse me of a bleach crime
I did not commit.

You take grotesque advantage
of my very fair offer.

And then you rush me?

All right, all right,
calm down. Listen.

What would you say if I told you
that in exchange for my jacket,

I can reprogram your computer?

You can be free
of the millennium bug.

The millennium bug?
That's right.

You can do something
about that?

Bloody marvelous job, paul.

I know I speak
for all my colleagues

When I say
absolutely fantastic.

And this is all hooked up
to the internet, right?

Yes, through your modem there.

In a few minutes,
every computer in the world

Will be free of
the millennium bug.

Mmm, mmm,
mmm, mmm.

Ok. Folks,
there it is.

We're all set.
All I have to do now

Is just hit
that one return key.

It's an honor to be a part
of this moment.

Get ready
to take your place

Alongside the other giants
of humanity.

Hear, hear, sweetie.
I'm sorry I doubted you.

I'm so proud.

Oh, thank you, sweetie.
Thank-thank you, and...

Thank you, mr. Einstein,
wherever you are,

For allowing me to be

The-the humble messenger
of your brilliance.

All right? Ok.

Here goes.

[Disconnect signal]

Operator: sorry. Your call cannot be completed as dialed.

[Gibberish]

Paul: well,
that can't be good.

Boy, I may have made
a big boo-boo here.

[Screaming and yelling]

[Shouting]

[Squealing;
thunder rumbles]

[Yelling]

Rahrr.

Way to go, math brother.

[Horses running]
man: in front.