03x09 - Room and Broad

[bunniefuu]

After all those false alarms, it's finally happened.

My old man lost his mind.

You going to eat this? You want some breakfast? No, thanks.

I never eat breakfast.

"Vincent," he says, "you're 18 now, "and I'm busting my butt putting you through film school.

"I want you to pay room and board.

I want you to pay And you don't even eat breakfast.

Right.

You got any doughnut gems with powdered sugar? When I was in college, I helped in my father's pharmacy.

It really taught me the value of a dollar.

Dr.

h, you've seen amadeus.

Remember how Mozart was chasing broads and boozing it up in taverns? Well, that's how artists are supposed to live.

We're not supposed to waste our creative energies on menial labor.

When Mozart was your age, he'd written 30 symphonies, a dozen chamber works, and a full-scale opera.

Well, sure, 'cause he had all that free time.

I got to go.

Hey, you don't mind, do you? Thanks.

Sometimes I think that boy's only purpose in life is to make us appreciate our son.

It's not fair to compare them.

Doogie's always been sensible beyond his years.

Vinnie here? He just left.

I thought I heard the high-pitched hum of indignation.

That's a nice belt, dear.

Yeah.

Genuine ostrich.

I got it on sale.

200 bucks.

And, uh It matches my wallet.

This was only 150.

Douglas Get out your checkbook and sit down.

O.

K.

$100 a week.

Who do I make this out to, Dr.

and Mrs.

howser, or would you prefer cash? So you don't have to declare it on your income tax.

I sense a little attitude here.

You don't need the money.

Son, it's not a question of needing money.

I'm trying to teach you a little financial responsibility.

For your information, I have plenty of financial responsibility.

Is that checkbook cover ostrich skin, too? So what? One little luxury.

I deserve that.

Like lambskin seat covers on your car or a stereo system that looked like it was designed by NASA? Or a half-dozen pair of high-top, turbo-driven gym shoes that have never seen a basketball court? On second thought, let's make it 150 a week.

Mom.

Your father had to pay his way.

What about you? I was a girl.

I know it's wrong, but boys were taught independence and girls dependence.

It was an incredibly archaic, unenlightened double standard.

I milked it for all it was worth.

You want us to treat you like an adult.

A grownup shoulders his share of the load.

Obviously my biggest mistake was being born with a "y" chromosome.

Your big mistake was falling in love with ostrich skin.

Come on, finish your breakfast, dear.

Yes, it's paid for.

No refund for leftovers.

Hang in there, al.

Almost finished.

It came out of nowhere.

One minute I'm their beloved son, and the next minute they're charging me to take a shower.

Is it me or is my father being totally unreasonable about this? No, unreasonable is my father.

He's visiting me from Oregon.

Wanders around my apartment asking me how much I paid for everything.

You'd think I was the biggest spendthrift on the planet.

The woes of the middle class.

I've been paying my mom ever since I started working.

Now she's asking me when I'm gonna get a raise.

Oh, sorry, I'm gonna have to give you another small stick.

Can I have a little more one percent please? I'll get it.

Here's the minor surgery tray you asked for, Dr.

howser.

Thanks, Liz.

Can you throw on some rubber gloves? I may need your help.

Actually, I'm supposed to be back in class.

No training like experience.

Little construction accident.

The leg became a little too acquainted with a power saw.

You'd better look away, al.

Can you hold back this flap of skin while I inspect for muscle damage? She's in training.

Lots of potential, don't you think? Watch your back, people.

I'm so embarrassed.

Did you eat anything this morning? It's not that.

I have this thing about blood.

I don't want to be near it, think about it.

You're in the right profession.

It's not funny, doogie.

I've fainted three times in the last month.

I'm attending my first autopsy tomorrow.

I know what you're going through.

You can overcome this.

What time are you off? Not till 11:00.

Come by my house.

I'll show you techniques that helped me.

I might be beyond help.

An autopsy's not that bad.

The guy's dead.

You don't have to worry about his welfare.

Once you adjust to the smell Shall we say elevenish? Doogie, it's my father! He called 20 minutes ago.

Said he felt dizzy and short of breath.

Blood pressure's 130 over 90.

Are you having trouble breathing? Try not to talk.

Cathy, get the EKG technician.

Has he had any history of heart problems, any episodes like this? I don't know.

He'll be all right, won't he? Pulse is down to 45.

What do you need, atropine? I got it.

Um Ray, can you Got it.

Come on, curly.

Doogie's on it.

I'm not going anywhere.

Doogie! I'm the doctor.

I'm ordering you to leave.

Now let's get a Lidocaine drip set up.

Curly, will you cut it out? Don't want you getting bedsores.

I've only been lying here 20 minutes.

I hate a fussing woman.

Mom fussed over you for 40 years, and you never complained.

She knew how to fuss and let me have my dignity.

Great manipulator.

Hello, how you feeling? Roughed up.

She's turned me over more than a pancake.

The good news is Son, give it to me straight.

That's how I like things.

Your angiogram showed extensive coronary artery disease, but it's not amenable to a surgical procedure.

You won't slice me up.

Good.

You're having blackouts because your heart rate's so slow you're not getting enough blood to your brain.

The best treatment is to fit you with this.

It's a pacemaker, dad.

I know what it is.

Then a diet of birdseed and a stupid exercycle.

Dad.

You can lead a full life.

Don't think of yourself as an invalid.

I've been in the lumber business 30 years.

You live that life, you learn something about the cycle of nature.

A tree grows, matures, dies.

I'm an old tree.

I want to go out with what I came in with.

Just a second, dad.

I made up my mind.

When can I leave? Isn't staying alive worth a little inconvenience? Let me tell you something about staying alive.

I had to watch your mother after she had a stroke.

In and out of hospitals, pumped full of dr*gs.

Little by little, life seeped out of her.

Sometimes she didn't know where she was.

In the end, she was wearing diapers.

That how you want to see me? Because it sure as hell not what I want.

Hold it a second.

I never knew how bad it was for my mother.

I'd call and ask how she was doing and he'd say fine.

He was protecting me, and I let him.

Don't blame yourself.

What's important is what we can do for him.

He'll never listen to me.

I'll work on him.

Curly, how's your dad? Great.

He's a spaulding.

We're tough as nails.

Relax, close your eyes.

Take a deep breath.

Relax your feet.

Now your legs.

Now your torso.

Now I want you to start fantasizing.

About blood.

If you force yourself to deal with the gory stuff now, when you're actually confronted with it, it doesn't seem so bad.

It's called progressive desensitization.

This isn't going to work.

I'm going to get that queasy feeling.

That's o.

K.

When that happens, say to yourself, blood is nothing, but plasma, platelets, and cells, oh, my.

It's a little mantra that my father and I invented, like lions and tigers and bears, oh, my.

From the wizard of oz! That's so cute.

I was 12.

Let's just try it.

Let's start small.

Finger cut.

I don't need a mantra for that.

Great.

O.

K.

, we'll move on to something bigger.

A g*nsh*t wound.

O.

K.

, but it has to be a little b*llet.

A .

22 to the leg.

Are the clothes bloody? Soaked through.

Plasma, platelets, and cells, oh, my.

Something bigger.

A train wreck.

That's o.

K.

An appendectomy.

That's relatively bloodless.

Just a small incision.

The Kn*fe goes into the skin.

Plasma, platelets, and cells.

Oh, my.

And then the abdominal cavity.

And I lift the heart out of the chest cavity.

My hand knocks a clamp loose.

It's unlike me to be clumsy.

The artery's spurting blood everywhere, but I tie it off.

And then comes the new heart.

It's a lovely, healthy color, like a ripe plum Liz? Liz.

Are you still replacing that kneecap? I just did a heart transplant.

How did it go? Well, I was brilliant.

Too bad my assistant dozed off.

I'm sorry.

I got to get back to my apartment.

Ohh.

Thanks for everything, doogie.

You've been so sweet.

Look.

You're exhausted.

Do you have far to drive? Northridge.

It's o.

K.

Just roll the windows down and blast the radio.

Do you know how many people I have put back together who use that brilliant strategy? You're sleeping here tonight.

I can't kick you out of your bedroom.

I'll take the floor.

I'm a veteran camper.

It's o.

K.

With your folks? Yeah.

I'm an adult to them.

The bathroom's through there.

It's sanitized for your protection.

There's plenty of t-shirts.

You prefer Einstein or the Terminator? I'll take the genius.

Arnold, it is.

Doogie.

Breakfast is ready.

Oh, hi.

You must be doogie's dad.

Who might you be? I'm Liz.

Nice to meet you.

Liz, it's 7:00.

This is your third and final wake-up call.

Isn't he terrific? You must be so proud of him.

Yes.

He's quite a wonder.

Hasta la vista, baby.

Oh.

Hi, dad.

I guess you met Liz.

She was, uh Yes.

Thank you.

Douglas, when you have a moment, I'd like to have a word with you.

O.

K.

I'd love to chat.

Come on, Liz.

Let's go down and have a cup of coffee with the folks.

Is doogie almost ready? These will get cold.

I think we better make an extra batch.

Great news.

My dad came down to 100 a month, and he won't even charge me a cleaning deposit.

Flapjacks.

Mind if I make myself a place? You never eat breakfast.

Well, I'm an artist.

I'm a very capricious spirit.

Good morning, everyone.

Hi, honey.

Douglas.

I want a word with you.

Ooh.

Don't like the sound of that.

Speeding ticket? Door ding on the beemer? Vincent, this is private.

I won't breathe a word.

Good morning, everybody.

Liz.

Liz, I want you to meet my mom, my friend Vinnie, and you've met my dad.

She has? Yes.

I knocked on doogie's door this morning, and I woke her up.

Doogie's told you what happened last night.

He didn't tell me.

And I'm all ears.

Doogie was so wonderful.

When he taught me how to fantasize, it was unbelievable.

I've never done that before.

But he guided me through every step.

By the end, I was so exhausted, I actually fell asleep.

I love this man.

You're late for class.

Have you ever seen a pancake sandwich? You have your pancake there, your egg there, your bacon there.

Now Want a little syrup, hmm? There.

I think you're done.

Bye.

Flapjacks, Liz? Oh.

Coffee's fine.

Thanks.

Help yourself.

Well.

Doogie, do you mind if I take a quick shower? Oh.

Go ahead.

Use my shampoo.

It really does leave your hair soft and manageable.

Well, it was nice meeting you.

I'm gonna love you Like nobody's loved you Come rain or come shine Douglas.

Yes? I'm appalled and dismayed.

Not a ray Charles fan? What the hell are you doing with a girl in your room overnight? Now, David, there may be a perfectly innocent explanation.

Do you want to tell us what happened? Yesterday, I was an adult.

Since when are adults required to discuss their bedroom activities? When those bedroom activities happen in my house.

It's my room.

What's your point? You want me to pay like an adult, but you still treat me like a child.

It's not that black and white.

Why not? Because you're still a part of a family.

You have to show some consideration for its other members.

What's your point, dad? My point, son, is if you can't live with that, maybe you better move out.

The man is totally irrational.

Can't you reason with him? I don't want to.

I agree with him.

Oh, please.

O.

K.

, that's it.

I'm out of here.

Will you be o.

K.

? I'll take the afternoon off.

I want to be alone and not have people treating me like an invalid.

Came to say goodbye.

If you ever change your mind, I know some great doctors in Portland.

No offense, but no, thanks, son.

Dad! Please.

Curly, I thought we settled this.

This is what I want.

What about me? I'll be all alone.

We had you late.

We knew you wouldn't have us around long.

That's why we raised you to be independent.

You'll be fine.

But what about my dreams, dad? Curly, what do you want from me? What do you want? I want you to give me away when I get married.

I want to see the look on your face the first time you see your grandchildren.

God, you haven't even started dating seriously yet.

How long do you want me to live? Forever.

Sweetheart, I can't do that.

But you can do your damnedest to be here as long as you can.

Because you love me, and you would do anything in the world for your little girl.

I have said that, haven't I? About a zillion times.

O.

K.

But I get a room without some sick old guy in it.

Plasma, platelets, and cells.

Oh, my.

Plasma, platelets, and cells.

Oh, my.

Plasma, platelets, and cells.

Oh, my.

Plasma, platelets, and cells.

Oh, my.

Well, if it isn't the playboy of the western world.

What's on your agenda tonight, a bacchanalian orgy in the bathroom? O.

K.

, dad.

I apologize.

As long as I'm part of a family, I understand I have to make some compromises.

I mean, I'm not all alone here, and I can't pretend that I am.

Well I'm glad you have a shred of respect left for your parents.

Now tell us what happened last night.

Well Dad, and I mean this with the utmost respect.

That's still none of your business.

Don't you love these warm family moments?