02x09 - Dedicated to the One I Love

[bunniefuu]

Ooh! These would
make great earrings.

Man, fishing in Alaska.
I wish I was going.

Yeah, me too. Then I
could have your room.

Okay, kids, come on,
let's load up the car.

- Come on.
- Ha, ha, ha!

Carl, I'm worried about
those tiny prop planes.

One big gust of wind and
you're kissing a glacier.

Risk and adventure is the
whole point of a trip like this.

Still, I wouldn't
go all by myself.

Well, I'm off.

With all the oil they're dumping,
I hope the fish are still jumping.

Loretta, I think you'll
like this neighborhood.

Friendly, family kind of folks.

- Hmm. No wild parties?
- Nope.

Darn and I just
unpacked everything.

Harriette, there's a car in the
driveway at the old Hansen place.

I guess some sucker
finally bought that old shack.

- Oh, hi.
- Carl, this is Loretta McKay.

I'm the sucker who
bought the shack.

Oh. Huh...

Well, I was just
kidding. It's a fine place.

Just slap a roof and a floor on that
baby, and bingo, you got a house.

Carl usually puts his best foot
forward, instead of in his mouth.

Well, sit down.

So, Loretta, if there's ever
anything I can do to help.




- Actually, there is.
- Oh?

Well, Carl, her hot
water heater isn't working.

Oh, does it have a resume? I
could ask around. Ha, ha, ha!

Oh, what could I say,
I'm blessed with wit.

- Come on, Loretta, let's have a look.
- Oh, great, ha, ha.

And I'll make dinner. Welcome
to the neighborhood, Loretta.

Thanks for the coffee, Harriette.
And you know, you have a lovely home.

- Wanna trade?
- For that old shack? Ha, ha!

- You know, I really appreciate this, Carl.
- Hey, my pleasure.

Harriette told me how
wonderful you are but, uh...

she didn't mention that
you're incredibly handsome too.

Hi, you ordered a root beer?

- You got a sec, my little pita pocket?
- Steve, I'm working.

I know and the
sight is sheer poetry.

When you sling
hash, the angels sing.

- What do you want, Steve?
- Oh, I have a present for you.

"The Star Registry"?

I've arranged to have
a star named after you.

Celestial object number...
D42750-B-6218...

shall now and forevermore
be called "Laura."

Really? That's kind of neat.

Well, it's only natural that a heavenly
body be named after a heavenly body.

Thanks, Steve. I have
to admit, I'm actually...

- touched.
- Really, my little supernova?

Enough to engage
in a little lip wrestling?

Pin me, baby.

I'd rather kiss a
flagpole on a winter day.

- Do you believe him?
- I think he's sweet.

- Excuse me?
- And cute.

Excuse me?

You're so lucky. I wish
Steve Urkel liked me.

Don't go away.
I'll be right back.

Steve, we need to
talk. Let's sit down.

What's on your mind,
my cute little comet?

Steve, how long have
we known each other?

Nine years, three months, two
weeks, four days, six hours...

eight minutes, and 14 seconds...

- fifteen seconds, 16 seconds.
- The point is...

the whole time we've known each
other you've been pestering me...

hoping I'd fall in love.

- Oh, it's my most cherished dream.
- Well, wake up.

It's not gonna happen.

Well, there's always hope.

What if we're stranded
on a desert island together?

I'm a strong swimmer.

Well, what if I was the last man on
Earth, and you were the last woman?

Mankind would end with us.

So what are you trying to say?

I'm saying that I will never, never,
ever, ever fall in love with you.

Laura, that concept
is hard to grasp.

Okay, then try this.

There's a girl over there who
thinks you're sweet and cute.

Whoa, that concept is
even harder to grasp.

Come on.

Susie, Steve Urkel.
Steve, Susie Crenshaw.

Well, I'm just a third wheel
here, so I'll just be, uh...

- Hi.
- Hi.

Laura, is Steve actually
sitting with another girl?

Yeah, that's Susie.
She actually likes Steve.

Excuse me?

Yeah, I got them together
hoping they'd hit it off.

Oh. And then maybe
he'd stop bugging you.

Yeah, that's the plan, but I
don't really expect it to work.

Hey, did you know an elephant
can be pregnant up to two years?

Did you know that ancient
Egyptians shaved their eyebrows...

to mourn the
death of their cats?

Gee, I wonder what they
shaved when a relative d*ed?

So me and my partner, we
burst through the front door...

and there we are face to face with a
United States senator and his mistress.

Oh! Ha-ha-ha! Whoo!

- Did you recognize him right away?
- Not till he took off the Zorro suit.

Ah, Carl, you tell the
most wonderful stories.

Well, hey, I've
lived quite a life.

You wanna come
in, say hi to Harriette?

No, I've monopolized too
much of your time already.

But thanks for looking
at my water heater.

Hey, my pleasure. I'm
just sorry I couldn't fix it.

Oh, and I'm really sorry
about that little expl*si*n.

Oh! Don't worry, that wall
needed to be knocked out anyway.

Ha, ha. Well, see
you later, Loretta.

Uh... I hope it
isn't too much later.

Whoo!

- Carl.
- What?

- Do you know what time it is?
- Um... Seven-thirty, 8?

- It's 9:06.
- Oh, well, you know the old saying:

Time flies when you're having...

to fix a water heater.

- Do you realize you missed dinner?
- Well, yeah, but...

I made flank steak, mashed
potatoes and butter beans.

- Oh, honey, good, I'm starved.
- I ate it all.

Oh, well, I'll... I'll
have a Pop Tart.

Why didn't you call?

Well, Harriette, she just moved in.
She doesn't have a phone hooked up yet.

- You could have walked over.
- All the way back...?

I should've done that.
I should've done that.

You do realize what's
happening here, don't you?

I think so.

We're having an argument
and you ate my dinner.

Carl Winslow, you are the most
naive man. That woman wants you.

For what?

For the same reason that
senator was wearing that Zorro suit.

- Oh, no!
- Oh, yes!

Oh, Harriette, you're
way off base here.

I am not. I'm a woman and
I know about these things.

Well, I'm a man and I
can sense these things.

Loretta McKay isn't after me.

She just thinks of me as a
tip-top, a-number-one, fix-it guy.

Yeah, right.

I'm telling you, it's not her water
heater she's looking to get fixed.

- Where you going?
- To finish off the Pop Tarts.

Steve, look!

Oh, yeah, sweet
knees, it's our table.

Oh, excuse me.

- Thank you, Steve.
- That's okay, it was my turn.

Steve, you're 15
minutes late for work.

Yeah, I had to
cover your tables.

Sorry, I was shopping
with my Sooze.

Your "Sooze?"

I only introduced you guys a week
ago, and already she's your "Sooze"?

Laura, I'm busy, okay.

All right, my little crepe Suzette,
it's time for your daily present.

Steve, a locket? It's beautiful.

- Only when you wear it.
- Oh, Urkie.

Oh, please.

- Laura, you okay, honey?
- I'm fine.

Oh, good. Because for
a moment over there...

it looked like you were a little
jealous. Heh. But that's silly, right?

Right.

Mother Winslow, what time is it?

One minute later than
the last time you asked me.

Carl's been over at Loretta's
for an hour and a half now.

How long can it take
to fix a leaky faucet?

Well, Carl's doing it, so it
might take two to three months.

- You're upset with him, aren't you?
- A little.

I could tell.

For the past week, you've been
eating up all his favorite foods.

Mother Winslow, I'm
worried about Loretta McKay.

I don't blame you.

That floozy is trying
to steal your husband.

- You think so too?
- I've seen her kind before.

She's a man burglar.

Well, what should I do? Lock up
Carl or knock Loretta upside the head?

No, you do something else.
Something much harder.

- What's that?
- Honey, you trust your husband.

Hello, Steve? Sorry to
get you out of the shower.

Could you come over,
tomorrow morning maybe?

There's something I
need to talk to you about.

It's no big deal really, but
I'll feel better if I get it off my...

Hi, Laura. I would've been here sooner,
but my mom made me put on a towel.

So, what did you
wanna talk to me about?

You and "The Sooze."

Ah.

Is it possible that the green-eyed monster
of jealousy is rearing its ugly head?

- Actually, it was.
- Aha!

For a second.

This afternoon when you were calling Susie
those pet names and giving her gifts...

Your heart ached and you
were willing to do anything...

even commit m*rder
to win me back.

- Steve, I'm talking.
- Oh, sorry.

Pay attention because
this is hard to explain.

Steve, ever since we
met you've been like a...

whining, buzzing mosquito.

I keep swatting at you, but
you just refused to be squashed.

That's me, the
unsquashable Urkel.

But then you started buzzing
around Susie and for a second...

I actually almost missed your
obnoxious, grating presence.

But then I came to my senses...

and the reason I
asked you over here...

is to tell you that I'm
happy for you and Susie.

In fact, you guys are
the perfect couple.

Oh, well, actually,
we're an ex couple.

- Say what?
- Well, a week ago...

Susie was a shy, fragile
flower afraid to open.

But I applied a generous sprinkling of
Urkel Miracle-Gro and lo and behold...

she blossomed.

And I'm proud to
say that an hour ago...

I introduced Susie to the
captain of the chess club.

What? You went to all that
trouble, bringing her out of her shell...

just to lose her to
Doyle Easterwood?

That was my intention all along.

However, my masterful plan seems
to have had a serendipitous side effect.

- You missed me.
- For a second.

Oh, that's long enough
to give me hope.

I love you, Laura.

- Go home, Steve.
- Ah, yes. Music to my ears.

- How about a movie this Friday?
- Drop dead.

Oh, talk to me, baby. Let's
seal this moment with a kiss.

- I'd rather throw up.
- Ah, yes! Bang, zap! I'm on fire!

Fortunately, I have a
cold shower waiting.

Oh, yes! The smell of
fresh door in my face.

Well, heh-heh, here we are.

Thank you for walking
me home again.

- Thank you for looking at my leaky faucet.
- Hey, my pleasure.

I'm just sorry
I couldn't fix it.

And, uh, I'm really sorry
about that little flood.

Hey, I always wanted a Jacuzzi.

Oh.

I, uh, brought this all the way over
here and almost forgot to give it to you.

Oh. Well, what's this?

Just a little thank-you for
all the things you try to fix.

Oh.

- Musical underwear?
- Yeah. Ha-ha-ha.

They play "Only
You" by The Platters.

Oh, I hope you don't
already have them.

Oh, no, this is my very first
pair of singing underpants.

- Oh.
- Ha, ha.

Whew!

You know, Loretta, this
is an awfully personal gift.

- Are you embarrassed?
- Well, heh, a little.

Would you like to come over
to my place and try them on?

Say what?

You know, model them for me?

- Am I making you nervous?
- Oh, no, no.

Ooh!

A little. Heh-heh.

- Carl, don't you think I'm attractive?
- Oh, I think you're very attractive.

Very, very
attractive. Stay there.

- Carl, what's the matter?
- Well, Loretta, I'm a married man.

Yeah?

Doesn't that bother you?

I just thought maybe
we could have a little fun.

Now, Loretta, stop that. Ha,
ha. Look, I can't cheat on my wife.

I'm sorry, you, uh...

You're just gonna have to
find yourself another handyman.

Too bad. Your loss.

- Hi, honey.
- Carl.

So did you fix whatever
Loretta wanted?

Sweetheart, you were right.
That woman made a pass at me.

- And?
- Hey, I shut her down cold.

- Oh, really?
- Yes. Go ahead.

Dust her body for fingerprints.
You won't find mine.

I'm glad.

Oh, sweetheart, look,
I'm sorry I made you worry.

I mean, you tried to warn me
about Loretta but I didn't listen to you.

I guess I underestimated
my irresistible charm...

my k*ller good looks...

my awesome animal magnetism.

Okay, let's face it, the woman
would've jumped a scarecrow.

Harriette?

Well... Honey,
what's the matter?

- Harriette?
- Well...

I guess I'm just relieved.

Loretta is an attractive
woman and I was scared.

Well, that you'd give
in to temptation...

and then I'd have to k*ll you.

Heh, sweetheart, listen to me.

You are the only woman
that I'll ever want...

now and forever.

Oh, Carl.

Only you

Can make this world seem right

Only you

Was that music
coming from your pants?

Let's go upstairs,
I'll explain it to you.

You alone

Can thrill me like you do