08x06 - Monkeys, Lies and Withholding

[bunniefuu]

[island-style music plays]

- Hi, you still there?
- Yes, sir.

Could you give me that
password again, please?

- Yes. Okay, the
password is "shmooey."

- "Snoopy?"
- N... shmooey.

S-H-M-O-O-E-Y.

If that doesn't work, try
shmooey or Dshmooey.

Capital D, lowercase shmooey.
- What's a shmooey?

- Nothing. It's just... it's a
made-up, all-purpose word.

You know, like, "Hey, I
can't find the shmooey."

Or "What happened to
the shmooey for the thing?

You know? Or "Oh, no! I just
broke the thing off the shmooey

so now the whole
shmooey's no good," like that.

- Ah. Like "thing-a-ma-jig."
- Exactly.

- A "what-cha-ma-call-it."

- You got it.
- A "doo-hickey."

- I think we're on
the same page.

Well, in our house
we just say "shmooey."

Like, so every account
my wife and I have...

Online, ATM, all the
passwords are "shmooey."

Probably shouldn't have
told you all that, but...

- Can I put you
on a brief hold, sir?

- Yeah, okay, but
listen, when you people

say "brief" it's never really...

[monkey laughing,
island-style music plays]

♪

[easygoing music]

♪

- ♪ Tell me why

♪ I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who

♪ Can stop my heart
as much as you ♪

♪ If we take each
other's hands ♪

♪ We can fly into
the final frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you,
baby - ♪ Final frontier

- ♪ I'm mad about you,
baby - ♪ Final frontier

- ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

- ♪ Final frontier

[island-style music
playing, monkey laughing]

[door opens]

- Hey, you.
- I'm on hold.

- So I'm walking the dog
and this really cute young guy

on a bike says,
"What's his name?"

- Oh, cute guy? So
was he hitting on you?

- Calm down. He was
like and super hot.

- I'm much, much more calm now.

- I tell him he
doesn't have a name,

and he says, "Yes, he
does. He looks like a Walter."

What do you think? Walter?

- I don't know. Who
names a dog Walter?

- Who names a dog Murray?

- Hey, you make a
good point. I don't know.

Hi, Walter. [barks loudly]

Huh. Walter it is.

- Ha.
- Hey, hey, okay.

- You're changing
for dinner, right?

- Uh, I guess.

- Your mother made
the reservation for : .

- Yeah, I know. Who
eats dinner at : ?

- Retirement community people.

- Yeah, why : ?

- I'm guessing : and :
gets snapped up pretty quick.

- [sighs] So listen to this.

I'm looking over our
credit card statement.

Do you know we've been
paying for like the last years

$ . a month for something
called "M.C. International"?

- Mr. Buchman?
- Speak of the devil... yes, hi.

- Is Maber Buchman there?
- "Maber"?

- It seems the account was
opened by Maber Buchman,

so he or she...
- She.

- She's the only one authorized

to close the account.
- Okay, no, but I'm...

I'm Maber's father.
- I'm sorry, sir.

- Would you like to
speak to Maber's mother?

- Stop saying Maber.

- I'm afraid only
Maber can handle this.

- Ok... fine, I'll have Maber
get in touch with you then.

Thank you for not
quite helping me.

- Thank you for
calling Monkey Cove.

- I remember Monkey Cove.

Mabel used to love that game.

- Yeah, but $ . a
month for years?

We could've bought
our own monkey.

Then we'd have a monkey.

[cell phone buzzes]

- [sighs]

- Hey, Monkey, it's your father

calling about something
critically important.

Call me back.

You notice I said critically.

- She's not calling you back.

What's "CCTY"?
- Huh?

- There's a charge
here, $ . for CCTY.

Here's another one
last month. What is that?

- Oh, I thought I
mentioned that to you.

It's a... it's a cigar thing.
Cigar Club... something.

Every month they send
you a couple of nice cigars.

- Since when?

- A couple of months
ago I signed up. "To You"!

- What?
- CCTY.

Cigar Club To You.
That's what it's called.

- Oh. You never told me.

- I thought I did.

Okay, I didn't. I
didn't, but you...

- How well do you know me?
- I know.

- And if we're keeping
secrets from each other...

- That's not a secret.
- Oh, really?

- Yeah, I just
know you don't love

that on occasion I smoke

an occasional cigar.
- I don't.

- Right, so I didn't
want to bother you.

- And yet, here I am bothered,

so how's that working out?

- Not so good! Really.

All right, terrific, so
now we can have this

hanging in the air
during the lovely dinner

with my mother. Terrific.

- I'm excited to
meet this new guy.

- Ugh. Okay, I'm
telling you right now.

If she calls him a boyfriend
or anything like that,

I swear...
- Be happy she met someone.

- Yeah, I know, I know.

- I think it's sweet she
wants us to meet him.

- Yeah, yeah, plus,
it's like an hour and half

on the train to get there.

- Paul, what is the
real issue here?

- It's not an Oedipus
thing, like I'm afraid

he's replacing my
father, anything like that,

if that's what you're
thinking, Dr. Freud.

- Then what is it?

- It's just this guy.

I don't want him
touching my mommy.

- How long have
you lived here, Ralph?

- Not long. I lived
at a community

down in Tampa
for a couple years.

But this is much nicer.

And the lady residents
are much nicer too.

- [chuckles]

Such a flatterer.

[laughing]

Paulie, jump into
the conversation.

The water's fine.
- Yeah, no, no, all good.

- Or maybe your
phone is so fascinating.

- No, I wasn't looking at it.

I'm expecting an important call.

- [mouthing words]
- Okay.

- So how was the train ride out?

Not too terrible, I hope.

- No, it was fine.
- Good

'cause when I didn't
see you two for so long,

I thought maybe the trains

don't come out this far anymore.

So what else is news?

- I started working again.

- Oh, good for you, sweetheart.

What are you doing?
- I'm a therapist.

- You?

- Meaning?
- Oh, nothing, I suppose.

Why not? You've always
been a good listener.

Bert used to say... My
wonderful late husband,

may he rest in peace...

He always used to say

Jamie was an excellent listener.

- I don't recall him
ever saying that.

- Well, maybe you
weren't listening.

Ralph, tell them what
you did for a living.

- Oh, it was a long time ago.

- So modest.

Ralph used to play baseball
for the major leagues.

- Really?
- This was before your time.

Washington Senators.

to .

- Wait, wait, hold on. What?

- I played third base,
and again, only for...

- Wait a second. Ralph Martoni?

You're that Ralph Martoni?

- My handsome baseball player.

- Holy sh*t!

- Language.
- Sorry.

Holy sh*t. We...

My cousin Ira and I, we
used to trade baseball cards

and I swear I
remember your card.

You... they used
to call you "Catfish."

- Good for you. Me
and Catfish Hunter.

- Yeah.
- But I was the first one.

- "Bats lefty, throws righty."
- Very good.

- Oh, my God, Ralph Martoni!

Ralph Martoni.

It's Ralph Martoni!
Look at... [mumbling]

What about Yo-Yo Davalillo?
I always loved that name.

- We gave him that name, Yo-Yo.
- Really?

- His real name was like
a yard and a half long.

[both laugh]
- And he was short, right?

Like, the shortest guy
to ever play in the majors.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, yeah.

Gene Verble? First base?
- Second.

- Second base.
- Satchel, we called him.

- What about...
[continues indistinctly]

- I like that they're
getting along,

but this is ridiculous.

How long have they been at it?

- An hour and ten minutes.

- I'm years old.

I don't have this kind
of time. Stop them.

- Bunky Stewart. You ever
play with Bunky Stewart?

- Honey, do you remember
we have that thing in the city?

- Nope. So...
- Well, I remember. Get up.

So nice to meet you.
- Oh, okay, gotta go.

Well, this is a pleasure.
Y'know, I'll come back.

We'll do this some more, right?

Ma, what a guy...
What a great guy.

Nice to see you.
Remember, Cookie Rojas?

- Say bye-bye.
- Gotta go. Bert Campaneris?

You ever... Zoilo Versalles.
That was a good one.

- You're kidding. The Catfish?
- Yep.

- Your mother is dating
Ralph The Catfish Martino?

- I don't know if I would
use the word "dating."

- Oh, they're dating.
- What... what do you mean?

- That nice guy
you like so much?

He's touching your mommy.

- That is so cool.
- Okay, do you mind?

- You know what, I have
some very exciting news

of my own that may
even top your news.

- Oh, really? What, your
mother bang Carl Yastrzemski?

See, it's not so funny
when it's your mother, is it?

- I got the results back
from the DNA test that I took.

- And? Are you Italian?

- Didn't even open it
yet. I was waiting for you.

- That's very sweet.
- So you could eat

a little Italian crow.

- Corvo.
- Huh?

- The bird, the crow. Si.

Corvo. Or la cornacchia.

Ah, grazie. [smooches]

Okay, corvo. Here we go.

Click on it, baby.

- Okay.

Um, but listen, if
for whatever reason,

you don't get the
answer you want...

- You know what, I don't
even want you to do it now.

You're gonna drip
your bitter skepticism

all over everything.

Here you go. You try.

You're a much nicer person.

- Hmm.
- Go ahead, click.

- Oh, dear.

- What? Is she messing with me?

Is this like a little fake-out

before she tells me I'm Italian?

- I don't think
that's a fake-out.

- Okay, so you telling
me it's not a fake-out?

Is that the fake-out?

- Ira, remember:
no test is infallible.

What's important is what
you believe in your heart.

- Trust me, I know.

Every fiber in my being,
I know that I'm Italian.

- You're not Italian.
- Take that back.

- I'm just reading what it says.

- It says that I'm not Italian?

- % Romanian-Polish

and % Dutch and Icelandic.

- Dutch and Icelandic?

That... that's crazy! I'm not...

I'm not even % Italian?

How can this be?

- Hm? Sorry, I was
thinking about Ralph again.

What, what, what?

- You know what?
The hell with this test.

This test is
spazzatura. It's garbage!

I know who I am
and I know what I am.

[speaking Italian angrily]

- Boy, the Dutch
are so excitable.

- [continues shouting]

- ♪ Ralph Martoni,
Ralph Martoni ♪

♪ I love Ralph Martoni

♪ I can't believe I'm
friends with Ralph Martoni ♪

[phone buzzes]

[phone buzzes]

Hey, Monkey, it's
your father again.

Call me back. Listen.

Yesterday I said it
was critically important,

but to be honest,
that was just a trick

to get you to call me back.

But today I'm not ki...

Hold on a second.
The police are here.

What... you want to
take her away... hey!

Take her hands off
of her! You can't...

That should do it.

- Babe.
- Yes? Oh.

- Yeah, I'm not sure
how to tell you this.

I just found out...
- What, what, what?

- Ralph Martoni d*ed.

- Oh, my God.

Oh, my... what?
How crazy is life?

You meet a guy, and
your whole world changes,

and then he's gone the next day.

- No, no, no. No, Sorry.
- Oh, my God.

- The Ralph Martoni
that we met yesterday

is fine as far as I know.

- So who d*ed?

- Ralph Martoni who played
third base for the Senators.

He d*ed in a hot air
balloon accident in .

I just looked it up.

- He fell out of a balloon?

- Well, no, the
balloon fell on him.

He was standing with a group
of people who all managed

to get away, but I guess
Ralph was too slow.

- Third basemen, never
known for their speed.

See, if he was outfielder, he'd
probably be alive to this day.

Wait a second. Wait a second.

So if Ralph Martoni is dead,
who did we meet yesterday?

- I have no idea. We've
got to tell your mother.

- Oh. Oh, oh, oh,
this is not good.

- I know. She's being lied to.

- Nah, I mean we got
to take the freakin' train

out there again now.

- Hey, open for lunch at : .

- Oh, no, I'm not,
um... I was just...

You're Ira Buchman.
- That's right.

- Wow. Hi.

Um, my name's Vincent Maslin.

This might seem
like an odd question,

but did you take a
DNA test recently?

- Oh, I knew it. You're
here from the company.

You came to tell me you
made a horrible mistake.

- No, no, I'm not
from the company.

The thing is, I
also used the site,

and I signed up to get alerts

for possible DNA matches and...

I think I'm your son.

- [laughs] I don't think so.

I don't know much,
kid, but I'm % sure

that I don't have a kid.

Come to Papa.

Amazing.

- So do you remember my mother?

- Oh, Vincent.

I am a man of honor,

and this is the
God's honest truth,

I don't remember her at all

because I never met her.

You're how old?
- next month.

- That would be
right. Here's the deal.

The fall of ,

I wanted to buy this really
nice set of Marantz speakers.

Yeah? Top of the
line, great bass.

Only problem... I
didn't have the cash.

So I donated my sperm one
time just to make up the shortfall.

People did that then.

And so voilà. Here we are.

[laughs] Speaking of
cash, you need anything?

- Oh, no, no. Pop, I'm good.

- Say that again.
- I'm good.

- No, no, no, before that.

- Pop.
- [laughs]

Give me another one.

- Buongiorno.

- Ah, Lucia!

You're not gonna believe this.

Listen, I want you
to meet someone.

Vincent, this is Lucia.

- Hello.
- Ciao bello.

- Lucia, this is
Vincent, my son.

- [speaking Italian angrily]

- No. No, no, no, no.

[both speaking Italian]

- Through sperm?
- Si, mio sperm.

- Oh.
[speaks Italian]

Oh.

Bravo. [smooches]

[speaks Italian]

- Look at this: mia famiglia!

- Oh.

- We had to tell you, Sylvia.

We felt like we
didn't have a choice.

- You know, and we
know you're upset.

- If I'm upset, it's
with the two of you.

Who asked you to poke your noses

into my personal business?

Have I ever involved
myself in your private affairs?

- Uh, yeah.

- Do you think I ever
told Jamie about you

getting cold feet
before the wedding?

- I knew about that.
That's perfectly normal.

- Did I tell her how you
wanted to marry Davy Crockett?

- [laughs] I was seven,

and it was really more about
the hat than anything else.

- Your father and I
were ready to support.

We were
forward-thinking that way,

which we never
really got credit for.

- Okay.

Mom...
- I also never told Jamie

about you and Debbie Schmulovitz

in the downstairs closet.

- Okay, here we go. I was nine.

- I went looking for
the drapery attachment

for the vacuum cleaner.
- Mm-hmm.

- I opened the
door, and there he is

with his pants
around his ankles,

and she's touching
his shmagegee.

- This explains why
things didn't work out

with Davy Crockett.
- Yeah.

Look, Mom...
- You and Debbie Shmooey.

Shameful.

- Look, Mom...

What?

- Debbie Shmooey.

Her name is in every
one of our passwords.

- Okay, first of all,
I thought I told you.

- Not only did
you never tell me,

you never thought you
told me, so don't tell me

you thought you told me.

- Second of all, shmooey,

if you'd like to know the
etymology of the word,

- The etymology. Good Lord.

- Maybe a long, long time ago,

you know, it perhaps had
the slightest thing to do

with Debbie
Schmulovitz, but over time

it just became... it was
like a funny, made-up word.

- Yeah, made-up word that
refers to your old girlfriend

from the naked closet.

- She was not my girlfriend,
and, other than that one time,

that was a perfectly
respectable closet.

- Well, whatever, I'm
changing all the passwords.

- Oh, no, no, why?

Please don't.
- Doing it.

- No, no. I'll never be able
to learn new passwords.

You know that.
- It's just so icky.

Shmooey has been
woven into the fabric

of our life together.

All the remote
controls are shmooeys.

The hand can-opener's a shmooey.

That thing that we
always... the, uh...

- The wrench?
- No, no, we plug in all the...

- Under the dryer thing?
- No, no.

The little shmooey that we...
- Ha! See?

- Ha, what?

You just proved my point.
That's my ha, not your ha.

You wanted to name
the dog Shmooey.

You call me Shmooey
sometimes! Ew!

- Yeah, but that's
only when I can't think

of your name fast enough.

- Lovely, and by the way,

this is exactly the same as
your little cigar club secret.

- That wasn't a secret.

- It was information you
were deliberately withholding.

- I wasn't withholding. I
just didn't mention it bec...

Okay, that one I
was withholding.

- Yeah. Thank you.
- Yes.

But I thought I told you.

- No, you didn't
thought you told me.

- See, this is why we
should never visit my mother.

Nothing good comes of it.

- I'll change the
rest of these later.

I've gotta go pack.
- For what? Why?

- I'm going to Paris
for a couple of weeks.

- You're going to Paris?
- Oh, I thought I told you.

- Sorry to bring you both
all the way back out here,

but you gotta help me.

I gotta get back
in her good graces.

Oh, I'm such a fool.

- Well, here's the thing, Ralph.

If that is in fact
your real name.

- It is. My name
is Ralph Martoni.

Just not the Ralph
Martoni I said I was.

- Why would you lie about it?
- I didn't mean to.

One of the guys
at the place thought

I was that Ralph Martoni.

- The ball player.
- Yes.

Your mother heard I
was this big time athlete.

Suddenly she was intrigued.

And your mother, she's a catch.

- Well...
- Hand to God,

every guy in the place is trying

to make a move on her...
- Okay, all right.

I think you made your point.

- It's not that
I lied, I just...

- Well, you certainly
withheld the truth.

- Yeah, I guess.
- Yeah?

- Yes, I withheld.
- Right.

Ralph, you don't wanna withhold.

Withholding is bad.

I've always said,
"If you withhold,

that's like the worst...
- I would stop.

- Okay.

- Your mother
deserves so much better.

To lie to a woman of such grace,

of such distinction,

a woman so esteemed as Sylvia

the former U.S.
ambassador to Ghana...

[both sputter]

- Ghana, Ma? Really?

- I should feel
bad? He lied to me.

- Yes, but you didn't know
he was lying till we told you.

You told him

about your supposed
ambassadorship weeks ago.

- Well, how do you
know I didn't already know

he was full of it
from the beginning.

- Did you?
- Oh, please.

The day I met him.

Ralph Martoni, the
baseball player, d*ed in .

He got hit by a balloon.

What, I don't know
how to use the internet?

- And you never
confronted him about it?

- Sweetheart,
we're older people.

Our stories, perhaps,
they're not so exciting or...

So when we meet someone new,

maybe we pad
our resumes a little.

Make ourselves more
interesting or desirable.

So what? Everybody here does it.

- Well, Ralph feels really
badly about lying to you,

and he'd like to try
to make things right.

- So why is he sending you?

Why can't he say so himself?

- Ralph!

You're up, and I didn't
mean that in a baseball way.

- Sylvia, I just want
to say one thing.

- So say.

- I never played baseball,

I never met
President Eisenhower,

and I never climbed
Mount Kilimanjaro.

- You never
mentioned Kilimanjaro.

- Well, I was saving
it for the holidays.

Forgive me?

- [sighs]

Why am I such a
sucker for sweet talk?

You're forgiven, Ralphie.

But no more stories.

- Scout's honor, and I
really was a boy scout.

- All right.

Well, in the spirit of honesty
and forthcoming-ness...

isn't there something
you want to tell Ralph,

Madam Ambassador?

- Fine.

Ralph,

when I told you

I was the U.S.
ambassador to Ghana

from to ,
that wasn't true.

- Really?

- It was only ' to ' .

- Look who's here.
- Hey.

- Did one of you try to hack

into my Monkey Cove account?

I got an alert

when I signed in this morning.

- Wait, you still use that?

- Every day. It's comforting.

- Really? The monkeys
are comforting?

- Yeah, the nice ones.
The way the world is...

I need it. [keys clatter]

- I didn't realize you
need Monkey Cove.

- It lowers my anxiety, and
it's cheaper than therapy.

- Okay. All right. We'll
keep the account open.

- Thank you.

Mom, can you help me?

I was looking for
something in my room

and I can't find it.
- Yeah, what is it?

- It was on my
dresser. It's blue.

It's got the shmooey and it's...

- Ooh, ooh, honey.
You know what?

We don't use the word
"shmooey" anymore.

- Why not?
- Why not?

- It's hard to explain.
- Because it refers to a girl

who touched your
father's privates in a closet.

What are you doing?

- Going to Monkey Cove.

- Happy with yourself?

- She had other
problems before this.

- All right, here's Emily.
She turned six in August.

- Aww.
- And here we have Anthony.

Right, he's / .

Vincent says he's a handful.
- Aw, he's adorable.

You gotta show these to
Mabel when she gets here.

All of the sudden, she's got
like a niece and a nephew

and cousins... or half
cousins. Quarter cousins.

Whatever they are. She's
gonna be very happy.

- Can you believe this, Paulie?

I mean, in one day,
I become a father

and a grandfather.

And, oh, here's the
cherry on top of everything.

- Oh, now you got a cherry too?
- Yep.

- Okay.
- Vincent's mother, Italian.

Which makes me the
father of a half-Italian child.

I'm practically Italian.

- Yeah. Actually no, but
okay, I'm happy for you.

- You know what? I have
a much better sense now

of what you and James
have been going through.

I mean, my son
comes into my life.

We connect in a profound way,

and, boom, then
he's gone. I mean...

you know, this empty
nest thing, it's brutal.

- Yes.

- I mean, I must say that

I really do think that the
hands-off parenting approach

has worked well for me.

- Hands-off?
- Yeah.

- 'Cause you missed years.

- I know. Come
on, Vince is bright.

He's a successful architect.
He's happily married.

Doesn't want anything from me.

I mean, you and James have
done a great job with Mabel,

but maybe there is a thing or
two you could learn from me.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Okay, I really need your help.

You have to put more
money in my account.

Not a lot. Like
bucks. Nah, make it .

You know what? Just make it ,

and could you maybe
give that to me in cash

'cause I think I
lost my ATM card.

And my insurance card, so
you might have to give me

another one of
those. I am starving.

- Will you teach me?