So, ms. Baron,
You and your organization,
time off for us--
You don't mind if I call it
tofu, do you?
You gals over there at tofu--
You want leave of absence
with no risk of losing your job
Every time you've got a bun
in the oven.
What do you think?
Shut up, you!
I'm yelling at a television.
See what he does to me?
I still can't believe
Murphy ever went out
with jerry gold.
He's crude and nasty
And you just know he has
one of those really hairy backs.
I was so repulsed
by the relationship
I spent three months in therapy
Talking about
somebody else's sickness.
If that's not sick,
I don't know what is.
I'll never understand
What murphy brown
saw in that man.
For starters,
the sex was pretty good.
Murphy!
Our good friend
and colleague
Wearing those shoes
that make no noise.
We were absolutely
not talking
About your affair
with jerry gold.
Unless you heard
everything we said
In which case,
jim started it.
It's all right.
We only dated
for a couple of weeks.
I don't expect you
to understand.
I'm not sure I understand.
It's been over a year,
and I'm over it.
It's time you
got over it too.
Shh!
Jerry:
that's it.
As you all know,
this is our last show.
(Cheering)
Maybe oprah and geraldo
don't mind spending their time
Listening to every weirdo
that comes down the pike
But after eight years,
I've just had it
So I'm moving on.
So go on.
Get out of here.
I'm sick of looking at you.
(Applause)
Ah, shut up.
Well... So you really did it.
That is unbelievable.
Jerry gold left a -share show.
Let the villagers rejoice.
Miles:
oh, good, you're all here.
We can get right to
these minor announcements.
First, some of you
Have been parking too close
to the edge
Making it hard for others
to get in and out.
Second, jerry gold's
joining our show.
Third, cafeteria trays
should not leave the cafeteria.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Did we just hear you say
Jerry gold
is joining f.y.i.?
That's not what
you said, is it?
That couldn't be
what you said
Could it?
Sometimes
I really hate this job.
How could you
let this happen?!
We trusted you!
Traitor, traitor!
How do you think
I feel about it?!
I hate the idea
as much as you do.
The network says
We're accused
of having a liberal bias.
They say bringing
jerry on with
His unique viewpoint
will balance that.
This is a nightmare.
I always have
this kind of dream
When I can't move my arms.
He won't be sitting
at our anchor desk, will he?
I don't want that.
You have to build him
his own little desk
And it can't
be touching ours.
Murphy, you're not
saying anything.
How do I feel about this?
How do I feel?
I really fought the network.
It could be horrible.
On the other hand,
I could rise above it--
I could view it as a test
of my character.
I could accept the situation
like a professional.
Ah, man!
I hate that!
I'm surprised
to hear myself say this
But the idea
of seeing jerry gold again
Doesn't affect me
one way or the other.
For the first time,
I really know it's over.
You don't care if jerry gold
is on f.y.i.?
Of course I do.
I hate giving him airtime,
but if miles said
He did everything
he could
What else can we do?
You did thr*aten
to quit
Didn't you?
Oh, you bet.
Well, hi there, co-workers.
Jerry's here.
Yes, the happy day
has finally arrived
And who would have thought it?
Jerry gold on f.y.i.
I wish I'd brought my camera.
Talk about your kodak moments.
Welcome to f.y.i.,
Jerry.
We want you to know
We're willing to give it
a shot if you are.
Well, I'm touched.
Really, I don't know
what to say, except...
Oh, what the hell.
I know, jim.
It feels good to me too.
But we don't want the others
to get jealous, do we?
And fontana
My compliments to you
on a fascinating piece
You did on the plight
of the farmer
But I dozed off
While you were riding
the tractor.
And, sherwood...
Tell me something.
Have you figured out
Why drive-in movies
don't have matinées?
All right,
that's it!
I won't take this.
You're the most...
Hi, guys.
Hello, jerry.
Murphy.
It's been a while.
How have you been?
Just fine.
How's life treating you?
Oh, can't complain.
Well, that's good.
Okay.
Now that we've all
had the opportunity
To say hello,
we can get to work.
Good thinking.
Sounds fine to me.
Take any chair you like.
We don't stand
on ceremony.
Just one big,
happy family.
That's how we like
to think of ourselves.
Jim, tell jerry
about the stories
We've been working on.
No.
Oh, come on, guys.
Jerry's been hired to do a job.
How about giving him
the chance to do it?
Thank you.
I've been kicking around ideas
To get this show
out of its liberal rut.
I wouldn't say this show
is in a liberal rut.
Our stories are always
very well-balanced.
Oh, really?
Like that wimpy
pro-environment piece
You did on logging
in the pacific northwest?
That was a well-researched look
At greed depleting
a precious resource.
Oh, my heart bleeds.
The logging industry is forcing
bambi and his friends
To move to the city
and share a condo.
That thinking's destroying
the ozone layer...
Oh, the ozone layer.
A few scientists desperate
for a research grant
Make a big deal out of it.
Next thing I know,
I'm standing around
Waiting for my roll-on
deodorant to dry.
Hold it! Hold it!
Stay out
of this.
What is it?
I'm getting an idea here.
It's off the top of my head,
so bear with me.
Murphy, jerry,
what would you think
If you two went head-to-head
In an unscripted, freewheeling
debate kind of thing
Just like this every week?
Forget it, miles.
Why would I want to give up
part of my precious airtime
Just so brown can get on
another liberal bandwagon?
It's lousy television.
I'd have him on the ropes
in no time.
Wait a minute.
Am I hearing a challenge?
What's the point?
You already said no.
Afraid I'm going to show you up
on national television?
Any topic, any time.
(Snickering:)
you're on.
Yes!
And now f.y.i.
Expands its format
To include a new segment.
For years
jerry gold made headlines
With a controversial talk show.
We saw it all--
From a shouting match
on g*n control
To a doctor confessing
an ongoing love affair
With... A dead person.
Well, now he's here
With us every week
Where he will debate
murphy brown
On important issues of the day.
Join us now for nose to nose.
Thank you, jim.
Federal funding
for the arts.
People think
because the government
Funds the national endowment
for the arts
It can dictate
What the artist does
with that money--
Or censor.
If some guy wants
to dance naked
With a pig
on the pentagon steps
And call that art
Don't expect taxpayers
to pay for it.
Want to avoid censorship?
Cut the n.e.a. Completely.
Every great society
Has helped support the arts.
What would greece have been
without sophocles
Or italy
without da vinci?
You want to tell me jesse helms
Would have considered
picasso suitable.
If you've got talent,
you'll find a way.
It isn't...
You don't get it.
Without funding
We might not have
the music of mozart...
Hey, I wasn't finished.
You intellectuals think
you know what's right
But it's john q. Public...
Oh, that's right,
I forgot.
We've made our contribution
to culture.
We invented
the fast-food restaurant.
Thank you, murphy and jerry
For this stimulating
and provocative discussion.
We look forward to more
of them in the future.
I can't believe a woman
Whose singing voice could peel
paint off of a buick...
And we're clear.
Hot show, guys.
Fantastic show, guys.
That was television
with a capital "t."
It was raw, it was electric,
and it was my idea.
Okay, people.
I want to see everybody
over at my place.
I've planned a celebration
To welcome jerry
to the show.
Well, that was
quite a workout, brown.
You didn't miss an opening.
You weren't so bad yourself.
"Dance naked with a pig."
Pretty good comeback.
So are you going
to this party?
Well,
a girl's got to eat.
Come on, I'll give you a ride.
I thought he would dislocate
his shoulder.
I know. We need more airtime.
I was just getting warmed up.
What are we going to do
for an encore?
How about flag burning?
Not bad, but what about..?
Murphy, jerry.
I just want to say...
Nice show.
It doesn't mean
I like you
But good is good.
Thanks a lot.
That's nice.
I was thinking
about the supreme court.
Nine judges--
nine weeks worth of arguments.
Finding things
to argue about
Is never going to be
a problem for us.
Hello, john.
They were cooking.
What's for next week?
You interrupted me.
What do you want?
A referee present?
Frank!
Nice show, guys.
Everybody's talking about it.
There were other segments
Where courageous
reporters
Fought fires
and could have gotten k*lled.
Hi.
What are we all
talking about?
I had forgotten
How much I liked arguing
with you.
We always generated
a lot of heat.
I had forgotten
how good that feels.
It's been a long time.
Doing it in front
of million people added
A nice kick.
Look at her.
She giggles
at everything he says.
He's not funny.
I'm funny.
Murphy is a professional.
She knows she has
to work with a man.
She's trying to make it
as comfortable as possible.
I just love her so much.
We all do, carl.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
People, if I could have
your attention.
Frank?
I'd like to make
A toast
to a new segment off.y.i
That is going to be providing
major excitement
For a very long time.
Here's to nose to nose
And the two people
who make it happen--
Murphy and jerry.
All:
here, here.
I was just talking
to them right here.
(People murmuring)
Are they in the bathroom?
Oh, god!
What is it, carl?
They're in there.
Carl found them
in my bedroom.
In my bedroom!
Dear lord
The image that is burned
into my mind.
It will take me a lifetime
to erase it.
One more look.
I think you'd better go home.
I'll give you a ride.
Good night, miles.
Frank, you're her friend.
You could go in there.
I just got
new geoffrey beane sheets.
What are you complaining about?
My leather jacket
is on that bed.
Corky, corky
The party's just starting.
Don't leave me.
I have to go feed my cat.
Good-bye.
Jim! Can I stay at your house?
Good night, miles.
Lovely party.
Get out of my way.
(Theme from a man and a woman
playing)
Welcome back to f.y.i.
And now a segment
That generated
enormous attention last week.
Join us as murphy brown goes
nose to nose with jerry gold.
Murphy.
American aid
to eastern europe--
Many think it's
a wise investment
In potential new markets.
Others believe
We could be aiding
old enemies.
The communists
are begging us for help.
If they want to be
capitalists
Let them do it on their own
like we did.
I'm not saying
I couldn't be wrong here.
I understand
why you might feel that way.
After all
it was their militaristic...
I know exactly
where you're going.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I interrupted.
No, it's okay.
What were you saying?
They're apologizing
to each other.
Jerry:
every time
We win a w*r
We give away more
than if we lost.
Look at germany and japan.
Maybe I'm overstating this
a little bit.
I can certainly see
your point of view.
She sees his point.
Is she out of her mind?
Yell at him!
It's important to recognize
That the world has become
one marketplace.
The stronger all the players are
The better it is for everyone.
Sounds good to me--
As long as we
don't put ourselves
At a disadvantage.
Oh, no, we wouldn't
want to do that.
I've never had a problem
separating my work
From my personal life until now.
Me either.
There were so many times
When I could have
nailed you tonight
But I didn't want to.
This is not good at all.
What are we going to do?
I think we both know.
We're going to have to choose.
The job...
Or the relationship.
Well, look.
Somebody's got to put this
on the line, so here goes.
Being on f.y.i...
I mean, that's the first time
I've ever been taken seriously
And that's important to me.
I know you understand,
because you and I
Are both the kind of people
That always put work ahead
of relationships
So clearly, there is only
one decision that can be made.
Ah, the hell with it.
Let's go with the relationship.
Jerry, you'd do that?
You'd give up f.y.i?
In a new york minute.
Congratulations, gold.
You've finally done it.
You've left me speechless.
Really?
I better take advantage of this.
(Phone ringing)
(Ringing continues)
Hello. Larry's house of carpets.
No one's available
to take your call right now
But if you hold on...
What is it, miles?
Jerry can't come to the phone
right now.
He's... He's busy unloading
the dishwasher.
It could take him hours.
He won't go away.
Gee, silverberg,
what a pleasant surprise.
Yes, we know we stunk.
What else?
What?
Yeah.
You have the cutest ear.
It's like
a little question mark.
Yeah, i-i got it.
Look, I would love
to chat with you more
But murphy's just put on
the g-string and the tassels...
Hello?
Well, guess what?
The network hated the show
as much as we did.
They said
I came across
like an ethnic merv griffin.
So they fired me.
Oh, honey, that's great.
Now you won't have
to go through
The legal hassle[le
of getting out of your contract.
They're not letting me out.
They've got other plans.
What plans?
You won't believe this.
They offered me
a late-night talk show.
I can be my old,
aggressive self.
Jerry.
Listen.
They want to put me
up against carson.
This is so fantastic.
What a night.
What if
the two of us celebrate?
I know just the way.
Murphy, wait a minute.
There's something else.
The job... Is in los angeles.
What?
Don't worry.
I'll turn it down.
Oh, come on,
we both know
This is the opportunity
of a lifetime.
We're going to be
, miles apart.
It doesn't have to be
a problem.
All it takes
is a little planning
A little patience.
You'll be busy setting up
the show
So I could fly out to l.a.
Next week I'm going to geneva
for the world bank conference
And then egypt
for the mubarak interview
So that means I could come out
in... Seven weeks.
Unless the gulf situation
Is still hot, in which case,
I'll be doing
"A christmas
in saudi arabia" piece.
So it's seven,
eight weeks tops.
Nine weeks
at the absolute outside.
Nine weeks.
There's the telephone.
We can talk every day.
Every day.
Every day.
You know, when we can.
Right, when we can.
At least
for the first few weeks
Until one of us
misses a call.
Then the other one
will feel guilty
About missing the call.
Then get angry
about feeling guilty.
And whoever it was
would get even
By missing a birthday.
And the next thing I know,
the enquirer announces
That amy irving is carrying
your love child.
Oh, god, jerry.
We're better than this.
Let's just do it
clean and simple.
I don't know
why this is so hard.
It's not like
we haven't had practice.
Well, let's look
on the bright side.
You're going up
against carson.
You'll be back
in three months.
Give us a kiss.
I'll see you around, okay?
By the way, murphy
There's one thing
I want to say to you.
I love...
I love...
I love your shoes.
I love y...
I love your shoes too.