02x24 - k*ller Klink

[bunniefuu]

I see you,

and I raise nine.

Raise? No, I'm out.

All right.

Your nine.

Up ten.

Up... ten.

Hmm.

I have no money.

You know the rules,
Schultz: no credit.

If you don't have the
money, you're out.

Wait a minute!

What do you mean, I'm out?

I'm not out yet.

Solid gold.

Oh, really?

Gold, huh?

Let's see what it says.

"18-karat gold."

Well, that's gold, all right.

How about the diamond?

"Caution: In case of fire,

break glass."

What do you mean?

Where does it say...

Mm.

Colonel Hogan...

could I speak to you a minute?

Yeah, sure, Kinch.

Hey. Hey.

No peeking.

Be right back.

LeBEAU: We won't
let him. Don't worry.

I think he's played
with you before.

I just got word

from our contact in Heidelberg.

I could barely make it out.

She needs new parts
for her transmitter,

or she's out of business.

Can we get them?

Well, we got the
parts, all right,

but how do we get them
delivered to Heidelberg?

You know what I
did with the money?

It's in a sock.
You guys have it.

Oh, sure. That's what
I did with the money.

Say, how far is Heidelberg?

Heidelberg?

106 and five-seventh kilometer.

Lovely town.

I'm glad to go back there.

Back there? It's my hometown.

I'm going down there
over the weekend.

I have a three-day pass.

You win.

I win?!

We both win.

Don't worry. It's all there.

Nineteen...

Oh, by the way, Schultz,

when are you going home?

Friday. My wife is
going to pick me up,

and we go together.

Aw, that's nice.

Um... by the way, Schultz,

I don't know quite
how to say this to you...

Can you just step
in the office quickly?

I, uh...

I want you to do me a favor.

It's kind of a delicate matter.

Yes?

Schultz, I'd like you

to deliver something
for me in Heidelberg.

55 Badenstrasse.
It's a little gift.

Deliver a package
for a prisoner?

That's impossible!

I can't do that.

It would be worth my life.

All right, Schultz,
I understand.

Poor Liesl.

She'll have to worry, suffer,

live in anguish.

Fortunes of w*r.

Liesl, I'm sorry.

Who is Liesl?

Oh, please, Schultz,

it's to painful to
even think about.

You have a fraulein
in Heidelberg, huh?

Not a fraulein...

an angel.

But who is Liesl?

You promise not to laugh?

I promise.

Well...

It all happened
that wonderful night

I was sh*t down...
over Heidelberg.

You were sh*t down?

That was wonderful?

Beyond belief.

My parachute was
lowering me over a farm

on a road just
outside of Heidelberg.

As I slipped out of my harness,

a girl stepped out
of the shadows.

"A girl."

More like a goddess.

She took my hand in her hand.

A thousand violins
started to play.

A thousand violins?

Right here, Schultz, right here.

Oh, I knew it was wrong,

but I couldn't help myself.

I was just captured
by her beauty.

We walked in the moonlight then,

and under an edelweiss
tree, we stopped.

As her face turned
towards mine, our eyes met.

And then our lips.

We shared a magic moment.

She swore her undying love...

just before she
called the Gestapo.

Beautiful.

And to let her know that

she's in my every
breathing moment...

I wanted to...

send a gift of...

A plant. A plant... a flower.

A token of my love.

That's what I wanted
you to do, Schultz, but...

Colonel Hogan...

I'll do it.

Thank you, Schultz.

I don't know how I
can ever repay you.

You will keep this
between us, won't you?

My lips are sealed.

Thank you, Schultz.

Colonel Hogan has a fraulein.

Just between us, Schultz.

You devil, you!

All set, Colonel. Good.

Pot's all neatly packed.

Any sign of Schultz?

Not yet.

A card?

Read it. Read it.

Colonel Hogan?

Read it.

Just a minute.

"To my own little poopchen,

in remembrance
of that starry night."

"Tiger"?

It's the poet in me.

Me, Tiger?

I can't help it, Colonel.

I've got you on pedestal.

Watch for Schultz, huh?

Right.

Schnitzer, as long as
you're changing the dogs,

will you get rid
of the black one?

He's beginning to
obey the guards.

Oh, I'm sorry, Colonel.

I'll take care of that. Good.

I'll see that you
get a little extra

in your paycheck this
week. Thank you, Colonel.

I see you got your father
working with you, huh?

Yeah. He's 80 years old

and I don't want him to work,

but he's just amazing.

His back pains. His chest hurts.

He's a mess!

He wants to help.

There's Schultz.

Let's go.

Hi, Schultz.

Oh, hey.

Yeah, you all
loaded up. Presents?

No. Laundry. Oh,
and that's for Liesl?

Yeah, yeah, and here's
the address. Yeah.

And, uh, let's show a
little discretion, huh?

Keep this just between us?

Colonel Hogan, you can trust me.

I'm a man of the world.

You're a rascal.

You French are not the only
ones who know about those things.

Oh, my wife!

Hello,

Gretchen!

My darling, how are you?!

How are the children?

Oh, they are fine.

They cannot wait to see you.

Oh. And how is Mama?

How is Papa?

How is Aunt Fritzie,
and Uncle Otto?

All well.

Have you got everything?

Yeah, I have the
clothes for the laundry,

and carry this, will you?

Oh, Hans, what
a beautiful plant.

How thoughtful.

It's not for you.

Then who?

I'll explain later,
my little dumpling.

"To my own little poopchen,

in remembrance of
that starry night, Tiger."

I told you, I will
explain later, Gretchen.

There's nothing
to be upset about.

For your girlfriends,
you have flowers.

For me, your old
socks and underwear.

Listen, Gretchen!

She gets the flowers?

Let her do your laundry.

Looks like trouble. Let's go.

Don't do this again.

Hi, Schultz, this
your lovely wife?

Not necessarily.

From him, I get compliments.

From you, insults.

You want me to carry it,

I show you... No, no, no!

Now, now, come on.

You kids don't know
what you're doing.

You wanted to break the pot?

Yes!

And I wish I had.

Look, don't argue.

Be nice.

I want you to try it.

Oh, no, no, now look, now look.

It's probably just a
misunderstanding.

Please, Colonel
Hogan, stay out of this.

This is just a
friendly family quarrel.

It's probably just a
simple misunderstanding

that can be cleared
up with one word.

Mm-hmm. Divorce.

You overweight Casanova.

What did you call me?

Tubby!

Listen to that barrage balloon

calling me tubby!

He didn't mean
that, Mrs. Schultz.

He really didn't.
He's wild about you.

You're all he's been talking
about the whole week.

During bayonet practice.

I wouldn't have you now

if you came crawling to me
on your hands and knees.

My leave paper.

That's what I think

of going back with you.

Ha!

That'll teach her a lesson.

Shultz, how could you do it?

She asked for it. Who needs her?

She needs you.

Didn't you see the pained
expression in her eyes?

The longing?

That woman is crazy about you.

Gretchen?

Didn't you hear what
she called me? Tubby.

I won't take that from
any man, not even my wife.

Schultz, did Romeo
argue with Juliet?

Tristan with Isolt?
h*tler with Ava?

Please, Colonel Hogan.

Everyone quarrels.

It makes the making
up that must sweeter.

Now, come on, Romeo,
go to your Gretchen.

Come on, go.

Colonel Hogan, how
about my pass? I tore it up.

They won't let me leave the
camp without furlough papers.

All right. We'll go to
Klink, explain it to him,

and have him make up a new set.

You think it could be that easy?

Klink's an understanding man.

You tore them up
with my signature?!

I was very angry.

Silence!

So, uh, Sergeant
Schultz was angry, huh?

Those furlough papers were
signed by me, Colonel Klink,

your commanding officer,

and you deliberately
chose to tear them up...

He didn't know what he
was doing, Commandant.

He didn't know what he
was doing, Herr Colonel.

I know what I'm doing.

You are a poor excuse
for a soldier, Schultz,

and I'm going to teach you.

Now, first, there will
be no leave papers.

They are officially canceled.

You can't cancel his...

In addition,

You will have 30 days
company punishment.

30 days?!

How about my pass?

There will be no pass, Schultz.

You are going to
be a tired old man

before you ever set foot
outside this camp again.

I don't care how long it takes,

I'll make a soldier
out of you yet.

Well, we're dead.

We'll never get those
pots to Heidelberg now.

If only Schultz hadn't
lost his furlough.

You know, Schultz
is in great shape.

Five days with that field
pack and he's still holding out.

Too bad. If he broke down,

he'd be in line
for a sick leave.

Gentlemen, I just said
something beautiful.

Oh, that wouldn't work, Colonel.

If Schultz
complained of being ill,

Klink would just
send him to the doctor.

Schultz can pass any
physical in the world.

Suppose we got
somebody to take his place.

Like who?

Gentlemen, meet the
new Sergeant Schultz.

Colonel, you're a genius.

I'll buy that.

No, Schultzy will
never go along with it.

What's Schultz
got to do with it?

Well, everything. If
he doesn't say he's sick

why would old Klink
issue a physical?

Because I'm going to go
in and drop a gentle hint.

Get a uniform for the
new sergeant, huh?

Come in.

What is it, Hogan?

I salute you, Colonel.
You're all soldier.

My idea of a real leader.

A man needs
disciplining, you do it.

You talking about
Sergeant Schultz?

Well, the exercise
will do him good.

I wish I were more
like you. Such strength.

You don't care if he
might overexert himself.

No.

That he might be out
there gasping for breath. No.

Or about his complaining
to the Inspector General.

The Inspector General?

You know how Schultz
is. He's a crybaby.

He thinks he's unfit for
this excessive punishment.

But that doesn't bother
you. What do you care?

Worst that can happen to you
is get what you always wanted:

transfer to a fighting post.

Fighting?

I mean, if you really cared,

all you'd have to do is
order a physical checkup,

prove he's fit, and
then really lay it on him.

That's right.

That's if you cared.

But I know you prefer action.

You want to get
at those Russkies.

The Russians?

This is Colonel
Klink of Stalag 13.

I want you to arrange for a
complete physical checkup

of one of my men, immediately.

All right, you all set?

Right. Dressed and ready to go.

All right, Schnitzer,

you know what
you're supposed to do.

Take him to the
13th Army Hospital.

He's supposed to
be Sergeant Schultz.

He's there for a
physical checkup.

Get going and good luck.

Jump up.

Hey, Schultz,
where are you going?

Where are you going?

To the hospital.

Didn't you hear? It's closed.

Closed?

Yeah, it's National Health Week.

Everybody should be healthy.

Ah, that's crazy.

Yeah, I agree, Schultz,
but it's h*tler's orders.

h*tler!

Shh. I know nothing.
I hear nothing.

You know, Schultz,
you're looking kind of tired.

I don't like that.

Hey, as long as Klink
thinks you're at the hospital,

why don't you sneak
into the barracks

and grab a snooze
for a couple of hours?

Yeah, why don't
you do that, Schultz?

It'll do you a lot
of good. Come on.

Yeah, a little rest,
Schultzy. Come on.

I sure could use it.

Yeah, what Klink doesn't
know won't hurt him.

We'll wake you
up in plenty of time.

Come on, Schultz. Come on.

Come in.

Colonel Klink?

Yes?

I'm Dr. Pohlmann, Chief
Surgeon of the 13th Army Hospital.

You sent us this morning
a Sergeant Schultz

for a physical examination.

Yes, I did.

But, Doctor, there's no reason
for you to come here, and...

I wanted to meet you, Colonel.

Oh, you did? Oh,
that's very kind

of you.

Please... please,
Doctor, sit down, sit down.

I suppose you've heard...

I wanted to discuss
this with you personally.

It is such a tragic case.

Tragic?

Frankly, Colonel, in
all my years of practice

this is the most unusual
case I have ever run into.

It is extremely rare.

But Sergeant Schultz has
become prematurely old.

I don't understand
this... Some mistake.

Sergeant Schultz
is only in his 40s.

I know that, but according
to these medical reports

from each member of my staff,

something dreadful
has happened to him.

His body shows
all the deterioration,

all the wear and tear
you would expect to find

in an 80-year-old man.

I can't believe it.

Evidence.

There can be
absolutely no question.

As I said before,
premature aging is rare,

but it does happen.

Doubtless, this was
brought on by tension,

harassment, insufficient rest,

long hours, overwork...

Well, all I did, was
have him double-time

with a full field pack.

You ordered him to
double-time with a full field pack

in his condition?

He never complained.

It must have been
excruciating agony for him.

I've got to make it up to him.

I'll give him a pass, let
him take some time off.

Perhaps he should be in the sun.

He should be in a bottle.

Are you suggesting that Sergeant
Schultz's condition is critical?

My dear Colonel,

it stands to reason that
if a body ages to 80 years

while a man is
still only in his 40s,

that is going downhill at
double the normal rate.

Why, there's no
telling when he...

Let us just say that
the best thing is for him

to have a long, long furlough.

Let him to start enjoying
whatever time he might have left.

Dr. Pohlmann, isn't there
something that we...?

Colonel...

we cannot make a
man young again.

What have I done?

Poor Sergeant Schultz.

Poor, helpless, 80-year-old
Sergeant Schultz.

I've got to make it up to him

with the little time
that he has left.

Wilhelm Klink, do you
know what you are?

Do you?

You're a k*ller. That's
what you are. A k*ller.

That little snooze this
morning did wonders for me.

I got good news for you.
Your furlough came through.

Furlough? Uh-huh.

But Kommandant Klink said
he'll never sign the paper.

It's okay. Get packed.

You'll be leaving tonight,
tomorrow at the latest.

Oh, Colonel Hogan,
this is wonderful news.

I can make up with
Gretchen again.

Oh, to see my whole
family waiting for me.

Oh, I can hardly wait.

Uh, by the way...

How about that, uh, flower pot?

The what? Oh, that, that.

Well, if it isn't
too much trouble.

I insist.

Yeah, well, in that case...

Tiger.

Hogan, you've got to help me.

The doctor was here.
Schultz is ill, very ill.

It's just a matter
of time before...

This is all of my
fault, all my fault.

Oh, you're not to
blame, Commandant.

How were you to know?

He tried to tell me.
I wouldn't listen.

Hogan, why did I do it?

There is something
sadistic in me.

Something twisted inside.

No, your insides are fine.
When Schultz go home?

Home? Ah, of course, a furlough.

You see, Hogan,
the doctor told me,

I put it out of my mind.

There is something
rotten... in here.

I'm no good.

I must fill out
those furlough pa...

Wait, wait.

Brunhilda, send
Sergeant Schultz in here.

I want to see him immediately.

You're sending for
Schultz? You can't do that.

How could you face him?

Frankly, I'd rather not.

You see, Schultz does
not know about his illness

or how serious it is, and
it is my duty to tell him.

Oh, Hogan, you must help
me; he likes you better than me.

Mm, am I glad you're here.

So am I.

Poor Schultz.

I only hope he still has
enough strength to get here.

How do I apologize to
him for this terrible thing?

Schultz!

Herr Kommandant,
you sent for me?

I did. I did. Oh, Schultz...

please, sit down. Sit down.

Sit down, Schultz.

There.

Now, Schultz, sometimes
a man does things that, well,

he means to...

What the Commandant is
trying to say is he's sorry.

He's terribly sorry for the
treatment he's given you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, please, Herr Kommandant,

don't feel bad about it.

I really don't mind.

Marching keeps
my mind off things.

Besides, I won't
be here very long.

You see, I'm going to
leave here very soon.

Then you know?

I just found out.

And he's smiling.

Schultz, I only hope that
someday, when it's my turn,

I will be strong enough
to make this journey

with the same look on my
face that is on yours now.

Journey? Oh, you know
about my trip down there.

It doesn't have
to be down there.

It could be up there.

Up to Heidelberg?
Okay. Up there.

Yes, Schultz, I
know your journey.

The journey that I've hastened
by so many, many years.

I'm looking forward to it.

Forward? You sound
as if you were glad to go.

Of course, Herr Kommandant.
It will be a nice change.

Things were not too
pleasant here lately.

I know, I know, I know.

I shall miss you, Schultz.

Oh, I'll miss you, too,
Herr Kommandant.

I wish you would come with me.

He didn't mean that, Commandant.

Oh, that's all right,
I deserve that.

He has every right to be bitter.

Schultz, you're so
young to be so old.

But perhaps it's best
you should know.

Were they able to tell you when?

Tonight.

Tonight?

Tomorrow at the latest.

So brave.

I had hoped you
wouldn't leave us so soon.

All right, I won't
go. I'll stay.

You mean, if I ask you
to stay, you won't go?

Of course, Herr
Kommandant, I won't.

And they say dogs are loyal.

Schultz, here's
your furlough paper.

You leave immediately.

Thank you, Herr Kommandant.

Oh, Herr Kommandant,

I'll remember this
the rest of my life.

For the rest of his...

I can't believe that he
won't be coming back.

Neither can I.

This would be the last
day of Schultz's furlough.

Not a word.

Oh, I'd hoped,
Hogan, I had hoped...

I'd give anything to see
that smiling face again.

And, you know, I would never
say or do another mean thing to him.

Come in.

Herr Kommandant,

Sergeant Schultz
reporting for duty.

Schultz!

You're back. You're back!

But how? Train.

You look wonderful.

A miracle.

Actually, I don't feel so good.

You don't?

I ate too much of
my wife's cooking.

Oh, we'll send you right
down to the hospital.

They'll look after you.

Good. I might as well take
the physical examination

you wanted me to have. Come
on, Schultz, let's leave. Hut!

Just a moment!

Did you say

you did not take a physical
examination when I sent you?

The hospital was closed.

A National Health
week; h*tler's orders.

Then you did not
see any doctors?

No, Herr Kommandant.

But I can do it right now.

No, Schultz, you won't.

You're healthy.

You're going to live
to be 100 years old

and you're not going to
enjoy one moment of it,

not one moment.

I want you to report
back to me in five minutes

with a r*fle and
a full field pack.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

How dare he
deceive me like that.

Imagine, he thought he would
put something over on me.

Ah, when will they learn?

When will they learn?