04x24 - Buds 'n' Buns

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Family Matters". Aired: September 22, 1989 - May 9, 1997.
A spin-off of Perfect Strangers, the series revolves around the Winslow family, a middle-class African-American family and their nerdy neighbor Steve Urkel.
Post Reply

04x24 - Buds 'n' Buns

Post by bunniefuu »

I'm concerned about
your new barbecue grill.

You sure you put
it together right?

Am I sure? Ha-ha-ha.

Am I sure? Heh-heh.

Harriette, I am the
barbecue chef extraordinaire.

I am the king of meat.

How come you spent so much
money on that high-tech gas barbecue?

We could have
fixed up the kitchen.

Harriette, we don't
need to redo the kitchen.

We've got a swell kitchen.

I would not dream of
redoing this kitchen.

I shall return shortly
with cooked meat.

I've been thinking.

It's time to redo the kitchen.

Hi-de-ho, sugar toes.

- What do you want, Steve?
- Sorry to interrupt your reading...

but I desperately
need to talk to you.

About what?

Well, Laura...

I feel like my emotions
are stuck in a Mixmaster...

and you're the only one
that can pull the plug.

Does this have anything to do with
Myra? I thought you were getting along.

Oh, we are.

Just last weekend, we
grabbed our accordions...

and drove down to Beloit for
the Polka Till You Plotz Festival.

Wow. Now, that's living.

Myra genuinely seems to like me.

I mean, a beautiful,
intelligent girl actually likes me.

- Well, that's wonderful.
- Yeah.

No, it isn't.

Oh, it's awful.

I'm riddled with guilt.

- Guilt?
- Well, yes.

Laura, my heart belongs to you, but
I'm locking lips with another woman.

Steve, you're causing yourself
a great deal of unnecessary pain.

- I am?
- Yeah.

If you would only emotionally
commit yourself to Myra...

your guilt would go away.

But to do that, wouldn't I
have to forget about you?


I mean, that's true, but
Myra really cares about you.

And she deserves a guy
who's totally committed to her.

You're right.

Myra's more than just a
funky-spunky-give-me-give-me love toy.

- Why, she's a person.
- A person with feelings.


Hmm. You know...

Snuck up on me.

Carl, you don't need
to find a part-time job.

We can fix the kitchen
with your next paycheck.

I gotta pay the mortgage
with my next paycheck.

Well, then, we can
use my next paycheck.

No, that's no good. I bought
the barbecue with that one.

Hey, Mom.

- Hey, Dad.
- Hi, Eddie.

How's Mighty Weenie?

Same as always, dog eat dog.

Did you hear that,
Dad? Dog eat dog?

Edward, please. I'm
trying to concentrate.

On what?

He's trying to find a part-time
job so he can rebuild the kitchen.

Oh, yeah? Well, they're looking for
more people down at Mighty Weenie.

It only pays minimum wage, but you
get a bathroom break every six hours.



Your father is a
law-enforcement officer.

A highly skilled professional.

Now, I think that I can
do just a little bit better...

than slinging hot
dogs, don't you?

- Yeah. You're right.
- Mm-hm.

- I'm sorry, Dad.
- That's okay. You're young.

You didn't think.

You see, if a man
with my credentials...

winds up with a job at a
place like Mighty Weenie...

it could only mean one thing.

That there are no other
jobs available on this planet.

Foot-long hot dogs
are Mighty Weenies.

Regular-sized dogs are
In Betweenie Weenies.

And the kids get the Teeny
Weenie Eenie Meanie Weenies.

I wanna die.

Dad, cheer up, will you?

Son, it's just very
hard to smile...

when you're wearing
a hot dog on your head.

Well, look at the bright side.
At least we get to work together.

Well, that's true.

Father and son. Side by side.

- The dynamic duo of dogs.
- Yeah!

You're right, son. Okay.

You and I are gonna be the best
weenie slingers in the history of Chi-Town.

- Ha-ha-ha. That's my dad talking.
- Ha-ha-ha.

Hey, Laura.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Oh, come on. Something's
wrong. What is it?

I can't tell you, Aunt Rachel.
It's too weird and twisted and sick.


Now, Laura, you know that I
have done my share of living.

So nothing you can
say would shock me.

- I miss Steve Urkel.
- Aah!

Oh, you need professional help.

- See? I told you.
- Oh, come on, I'm just teasing.

Well, let's just think
this thing through.

Okay, now, you convinced
Steve to forget about you...

- and concentrate on Myra, right?
- Right.

That was two weeks ago,
and I haven't seen him since.

So why aren't you thrilled?

I was at first, but then...

starting a couple of days ago,
I actually started to miss him.

Do you think I could be suffering from
some kind of post-traumatic pest disorder?

No, I think there's a much more
normal explanation for your feelings.

- Really? What is it?
- Mm.

Well, I think that somehow over
the years, when you weren't looking...

you and Steve... became friends.

Winslow? BOTH: Yes, sir.

And Winslow. BOTH: Yes, sir.

I need to talk to you.

I have some good news.

Good news is I've been
promoted to district manager.

- Oh, congratulations.
- Way to go.

Thank you. Now, that leaves the
position of night manager open here.

I've been watching you both very
carefully, and I've made my choice.

Carl, you're hardworking,
you're intelligent, you're mature.

You're a born leader, and no one is
better qualified for this job than you.

Thank you, sir. I just...

But you're leaving in three
weeks, so I chose your kid.

Congratulations, Eddie.

Not only will you be earning
a dollar more an hour...

but you get to wear this manager's blazer
with the coveted silver weenie patch.

The silver weenie!

- Oh. Oh.
- Come here, come here, come here.

Best of all, you don't have to
wear that stupid hat anymore.

Carl, say hello
to your new boss.

Here you are, sir. One Mighty
Weenie, and one low-fat Leanie Weenie.

- Thank you.
- Have a weenie day.

- Excuse me, Carl.
- Yes?

You're supposed to wish the
customer a wonderful weenie day.

Not just a weenie day. It's a
small but important difference.

Gee, I'm so sorry.

But that's the third time
I've had to remind you.

Well, why don't you just stand me in front
of everybody and fling sauerkraut at me?

Uh-uh-uh. Now
you're being sarcastic.

And according to the
employee handbook...

sarcasm is a condiment
that sours a happy weenie.

I'll try to remember
that, Edward.

Uh... Carl, I think
that it would be better

if you addressed me
as sir or Mr. Winslow.

You've gotta be kidding.

Oh, no, Carl.

I mean, after all, we are
running a business here.

I don't believe this.

Now, Carl, I'd like you to bus those
tables and refill the napkin dispensers.

All right.

Then empty the trash, scrub
the grills and mop the floors.

And while I'm doing all of
that, what will you be doing?

Well, I'll be doing what
I'm supposed to be doing.


Hoo. I'm bushed.
I'm gonna crash.

Bushed? From what?

What's the matter with you?

What's the matter with me?

I'll tell you what's
the matter with me.

You had me doing every
filthy, disgusting job...

in the history of fast food.

Oh. Take it easy, Carl.

And don't call me that!

We are home now, Edward.

And inside these walls...

I'm the head weenie.

- Okay, okay.
- Okay, sir.

Okay, sir.

And tomorrow is Saturday.

And there are just a few things
around the house that need to be done.

- Like what?
- Well...

first, the lawn
needs to be mowed.

- I'll get up early and do it.
- Then you'll trim the hedges...

paint the garage door, take
down the storm windows...

and wash and wax my car.

While I'm doing this,
what'll you be doing?

What I'm supposed to
be doing. Supervising.

- What's going on in here?
- Mom, Dad's freaking out...

because I made him work
down at Mighty Weenie.

Wrong. He's the one that's
freaking out. You son is power crazy.

- Power crazy?
- That's right.

The minute you put on a blue blazer
with a silver-plated weenie patch...

you started goose-stepping
like a hot-dog h*tler.

Oh, that does it. You're fired.

Oh, yeah? Well, you're grounded.

- Oh. For what?
- For f*ring me.

All right, all right, all
right, that's enough.

Stop fighting and
sit down, both of you.

Well, it should be
easy for him to sit down.

- He's been doing it all night.
- Carl.

You know, I was afraid there'd be
trouble when Eddie got promoted.

But I hoped you'd both be
mature enough to handle it.

- I was mature!
- You were not!

All right, all right,
all right! All right!

Carl, instead of being jealous of Eddie,
you should be proud of his success.

And look for ways
to help him out.

That would have been nice.

And, Eddie, instead of
lording it over your father...

you should've taken advantage of his
experience, and asked him for suggestions.

Hmm. That would have been nice.

You know...

you both should
think about something.

For the next couple of weeks,
you're gonna be boss and employee.

Don't let that interfere with what
you're gonna be for the rest of your lives.

Father and son.

She's right, you know.


I'm sorry.

I'm sorry too, son.

I love you, son.

I love you too.

Carl. Heh.

Oh, that's so beautiful.

Steve. Myra.

Hi, Laura. I thought
we'd just stop by.

Come on in.

- Why are you guys all dressed up?
- We attended an art-gallery opening.

This is so sweet. You guys
both like the same things.

Laura, do you mind
if I skip to your loo?

It's right over there.

I'll be just a moment, Stevie.

A moment without
you is an eternity.


So, Laura, long time no see.


usually when I call you, you rush right
over before I can hang up the phone.

I left a message for
you two days ago.

Oh, well...

I've been busy.

So I guess things are going
pretty well with you and Myra?

Oh, we adore each other.

Why, we're inseparable.

We even spent some time in
a sensory-deprivation t*nk...

and believe you me,
I didn't feel deprived.

How nice for you.

Thanks for your advice,
Laura. You're a good friend.

- So we're still friends?
- Oh, absolutely.

Good, because over
the last two weeks...

I actually started to miss you
an eensy-weensy itsy-bitsy bit.

You love me, don't you?

No. No, no.

I made myself scarce,
and now you want me!

No, Steve. I was
just trying to be nice.

Look at those tissues. You've been
crying your eyes out for me all night.

- No!
- Oh, Laura.

My heart is blasting 40 love songs in
a row with no commercial interruptions.

- Steve!
- Oh, Laura.

Laura, my pet, I'd pursued
you before, but, baby...

you ain't seen nothing yet.

Steve, please. Calm down.

Calm down? Calm down?

Good Lord, woman, you
just told me you missed me!

Why, take a four-day
weekend, America!

- Steve, come here.
- Oh, no. Laura...!

Laura Winslow, get
your hands off my man.

Myra, you don't understand.

Ha-ha. I understand, all right.

I leave this room for one
minute, and you go into heat.

Excuse me?

Oh. Myra, Myra.

Now, you have
every right to be upset.

Alas, I've misled
you, my little Milk Dud.

You have?


And I've treasured every
moment of it with you...

but the truth of
the matter is...

there's always been a part of
me, hidden deep in my heart...

that could only think of Laura.

So don't blame her.

Blame me.

Oh, Steven, it's so
like you to be noble.

But you're just a hunky pawn
in this she-devil's love game.


Who are you calling a she-devil?

Now, ladies, I do
believe... Myra, Myra.

You listen to me, Miss Laura.

I love Steve Urkel.

He's the hot fudge on my sundae.

And let me tell you
something, honey.

Nobody steals my dessert.

I tried to be nice, and you
s*ab me in the back.

Strap on your howitzer, missy.

From now on, it's w*r.

Well, I think that went
fairly well, don't you?
Post Reply