03x22 - Duel of Honor

[bunniefuu]

Just for the sake of an example,

let's take a man like
Commandant Klink.

You take him, Schultz, huh?

We're busy.

In my opinion, Commandant Klink

would not be so hard
to get along with...

Would not be so
hard to get along with

if he would be married.

Who'd marry him?

Ah... that's another problem.

But the point that
I am making is

that 99% of all the trouble
in the world is being made

by men who are not married.

Right or wrong?

Absolutely right, Schultz,
glad you could stop by,

always glad to talk
to a really fine brain.

Now...

Now, wait...

Schultz!

Wait a minute.

I'm just beginning.

Now, let's take
another example...

h*tler.

No, let's go back to
Commandant Klink.

He has definitely

too much time on his hands.

Therefore, it's my
considered opinion...

Schultz, I've done
everything else,

I'm going to be
honest with you...

We're expecting company.

Company?

A woman. Now, if you don't mind.

A woman?

Oh...

Very funny joke.

He's expecting a woman.

What was that?

I just told you.

Ah...

there is something
going on here.

Colonel Hogan, I'm warning you,

I'm going to get to
the bottom of this!

Warn us?

You can't afford to get
into trouble, Schultz,

you're a married man.

You're right!

I see nothing!

Nothing!

Nothing!

Colonel Hogan?

Fraulein Erika Weidler.

I've heard of you.

Hi.

You got something for us?

Something that must
be got out of Germany

without the slightest chance

of it falling into wrong hands.

Can you do it?

Without even thinking about it.

What is it?

A list... of the men
who plan to k*ll h*tler.

I may want to give
that some thought.

Danke.

Where's the list?

In your head, I suppose.

Right.

Why can't you take it
to England yourself?

That would be far too
dangerous for my contacts.

If I were to disappear,
they would be investigated.

Right.

Why's the list so important?

I mean, if they k*ll
him, they k*ll him.

Why should we care who does it?

Because if and when it
happens, they'll sue for peace.

We want to make sure we're
dealing with the right people.

Colonel?

I could take it out...

I know the woods blindfolded.

I know you do, LeBeau,

and 99 times out of
100 you could make it.

But it's that one
chance we can't risk,

not with this.

Send it by code.

No... if they intercept,

they could break the code.

Hey,

if we could steal a buzz
b*mb... someplace...

And then build us a
launcher... somewhere...

And then, whoosh!

Why not just let Commandant
Klink carry it out himself?

I take it that's
intended as sarcasm.

Now, hold it, hold it.

He's got something.

What did I say?

You're going to have to check in

to the inn at Hammelburg.

Do have any clothes with you?

Not a thing.

All right, we'll give you
money for a wardrobe.

Anything that doesn't
fit can be altered here.

With pleasure.

Kinch, I want you

to make up a dummy paper.

I want you to
put Klink's picture

on page three of a
Berlin newspaper:

"Outstanding Record Compiled
by Stalag 13 Commandant,"

some such garbage as that.

Got you.

Newkirk?

Sir?

I want you to make
up an envelope,

perfumed...

with a cancellation postmark
"Berlin," dated yesterday.

No problem, sir.

I want you to send
a note to Klink...

I'll dictate it.

I think I can do that, yes.

The hard part's coming:

You've conceived a
mad passion for this man.

Not Klink!

There must be
another way, Colonel.

Can't ask a lady
to do that, sir.

I'm afraid that's it.

This is going to
take a great actress.

Betty Grable, almost.

An agent is an actress.

She has to act to live.

And besides, how bad
can he be, this Klink?

Yeah, well, let's
get on with it.

Commandant?

Yes, Hogan, I'm extremely busy.

Busy, busy.

Just like you, sir.

Something like this
would have gone

to another man's head,

but with you, business as usual.

Something like what?

You haven't seen it?

Of course you have.

Seen what? What?

Your publicity.

Publicity?

This paper just arrived
from Berlin this morning.

"Outstanding Record
Being Compiled

by Stalag 13 Commandant
Wilhelm Klink"?

How did this get in here?

Where did they get my picture?

"Outstanding Record..."

I think it's the tip-off, sir.

They usually do this
just before a promotion.

"Outstanding..."

Promotion?

General, at least.

Right out of the blue.

Mm-hmm.

"Outstanding Record."

General.

Oh, look, you got fan mail.

Fan... What? Where? What?

There.

How did this get here?

You keep too busy, sir.

Of course, that's the
key to your success,

but I couldn't do it.

Erika Weidler.

I've never heard of her.

I think you will, sir.

Sorry.

"My dearest Wilhelm..."

"On seeing your
picture in the paper

"the day of that
magnificent leonine head,

"I... had an
uncontrollable, insane urge

that would not
let me rest until..."

Hogan, she can't wait
until she meets me.

It is an excellent
likeness, sir.

But she's coming
here to Hammelburg.

She may be here right now.

You shouldn't have
had the profile taken.

Much too powerful.

Hogan, what am I going to do?

Well, I wouldn't go to
Hammelburg if I were you.

Wouldn't go to Hammelburg.

She gets you alone in the inn,

no telling what might happen.

Yes, I can see that.

Best thing to do would be to
send your staff car after her.

Send my staff car, right.

Why?

Meet her tonight
here in your quarters.

My quarters... excellent, Hogan.

Wait, wait, wait.

Why would my quarters
be any better than the inn?

She's bound to see my profile.

You forget... I'll be here.

Why?

Well, if she's what we call
a "dog," you'll be protected.

If not, I'm a man who knows
how to make an exit, right?

Mm-hmm.

Yes, very good, Hogan.

Hogan, tell me...

How great do you
think the chances are

that she will be
what you call a dog?

Commandant...

fasten your seat belt.

Hogan?

I just thought.

Something wrong, sir?

That picture of mine,

the one she's
madly in love with...

I had my hat on.

Could be a bit of a problem.

Mm-hmm.

Wait... I've got something.

Hogan?

How about a steel helmet?

That's not funny.

Seriously, sir, I think you'd
look better in your uniform cap.

With a smoking jacket?

Well, after all, Commandant,
you are on maneuvers.

That's right.

There she is.

My cap, my cap.

Fraulein Weidler?

Yes.

Come in, please.

Commandant Klink.

You must find me a terribly
bold woman, Commandant Klink.

Not at all, Fraulein Weidler.

Yes, you do, you must.

I couldn't help myself.

Oh, I understand perfectly.

Hogan, champagne.

Yes, sir.

I shouldn't.

I'm normally a very shy person,

quite retiring, but... one glass

and I become something
else completely.

Oh, well, then we should drink

to both your
charming personalities.

Ah, delicious.

I feel warm all over.

Oh.

In that case,

may I take off
your wrap, please?

Oh, yes, please.

Hogan...

Tough luck, sir,

but don't worry, I
won't leave your side.

Hogan, what are
you talking about?

Dismissed.

Really?

Out.

I'll wait in the
kitchen, just in case.

Thank you.

I do not know myself...

I have never done
anything like this before.

Everything I've ever been taught

tells me it is wrong.

Why does it feel so right?

Perhaps, uh, it's the chemistry.

Can one fight against chemistry?

Or one merely surrenders
to the inevitable.

How frightening.

Oh, sorry.

There is just one thing,

one thing that
could spoil it all.

Nothing could spoil it.

No, it is a personal
thing, an eccentricity.

I've tried, I cannot
overcome it.

What is it?

I must see you
without your cap on.

You wouldn't just care
to look at my profile?

The cap.

The cap.

All my life I have been
emotionally crippled

by this false, this foolish
ideal of male beauty.

Why, why am I unable to grow up?

Take off your cap.

And your ideal concerns hair?

Yes, yes...

I hate it.

Oh, why am I so foolish?

To me it is... ugly... ugly.

My dear, dear young woman...

You may go, Hogan.

Back to the barracks.

Back, back, back, back, back.

After you pour us
more champagne.

Making progress, sir?

Oh, she's mad for me...
Wonderful creature...

Utterly, helplessly mad.

Putty in your hands?

Putty, putty, putty.

Wait till I tell the
boys in the barracks.

More champagne!

Champagne for tonight,
champagne for tomorrow,

champagne for us.

I hate you.

You what?

I hate you for what
you've done to me.

But I've done nothing.

Practically nothing.

You've ruined my life.

You with your profile, your
devastating lack of hair...

You've ruined everything.

But, Erika, why?

How can I go back to my husband?

How?!

I didn't even know
you were married.

Oh, you've made my
marriage impossible!

Commandant.

Hogan, I give you
my word of honor...

It's my fault... I
thought you knew.

You knew?

I recognized her
when she came in.

It's going to be
a messy divorce.

Divorce?

You know how the Fuhrer hates

scandal in the officer corps.

Her husband is an officer?

General Weidler.

Weidler? Weidler...

"Tiger" Weidler, of
the Russian front,

the one that always
carries a saber.

Saber? Hogan!

Oh, well, back to the barracks.

Hogan, wait.

Wait, Hogan, please.

Listen to me.

What am I going to do?

There's nothing you can do...

It's chemistry.

General von Weidler,
tiger of the Russian front!

Ha!

Yeah.

Well, what do you think, sir?

Well, he's all we've got.

Schultz coming.

All right, carry on.

Colonel Hogan...

Please, excuse me, sir.

Colonel Hogan, Colonel Hogan,

what do you think has happened?

What do you think has happened?

Germany surrendered.

Mmm, something
much more surprising.

But please, do not quote me.

You've been promoted?

Almost as surprising.

A beautiful...

mmm...

beautiful woman fell
madly in love with...

Commandant Klink!

Oh?

How's the weather
outside, Schultz?

But wait!

She's married to a general.

Bit of a nip in
the air, is there?

Hmm...

He's the "Tiger" from
the Russian front.

He k*lled 63 men in saber duels!

What else is new, Schultz?

Please... please, sir,

I leave it up to you:

Isn't it very surpr... uh...

So!

Not only does my wife
take up with a jailer,

but now guards are gossiping

about this whole rotten
thing with the prisoners!

I-I-I-I assure you...

No wonder the
Russians are knocking

the stuffing out of us!

Yeah, you call this
support from home?!

Better tell Klink he's here.

Tell... tell him he's here?

The tiger of the Russian front!

On second thought,
I'll come with you.

You tell Klink

and I'll catch
him when he falls.

General Weidler? He's here?

Came to our barracks first, sir,

looking for information.

Gentlemen don't
discuss these things.

Thank you, Hogan,
thank you very much.

How much do you think he knows?

Everything.

Oh, no.

That's the situation, sir.

I just remembered...

She is coming here this
morning, too, his wife.

Hogan, what am I going to do?

How are you at saber fighting?

Terrible!

Hogan, I swear to you,

I was going to break
off with her this morning,

tell her to get over me,
go back to her husband,

make a clean break.

I believe you, sir.

Thank you, Hogan.

And I believe you,
too, Herr Kommandant.

Schultz, thank you.

But will General von
Weidler believe you?

Good question, Schultz.

Danke.

He's here.

I think you're right.

So!

Casanova Klink!

Ah, General Weidler!

How very nice to meet you!

What does she see in you?

Nothing... absolutely nothing.

It was all completely harmless.

Just a little intellectual
companionship,

you might call it.

I might, but I would not.

No, sir, you would not.

I would call it
monkeying around!

General Weidler! There's
absolutely nothing going on

between myself and Frau von...

Wilhelm!

You shall not touch
him, you brute.

So... there's is
nothing between you.

In what unpleasant
manner, Klink,

would you prefer
to stop living?!

Just a minute, General.

Are you challenging my
commandant to a duel?

Hogan!

General Weidler,
why talk of duels?

Come, let us reason together.

I am beyond reason!

I shall never give you up.

How well would you
like him in little slices?!

Hold it, General.

The party who's challenged

gets the choice of weapons.

That is true.

But it also true

that I am a general
and he is a colonel.

I'm ordering him
to choose sabers!

That's a good point.

Ha!

At dawn, Klink!

Prepare yourself!

Until dawn!

Ha!

You were magnificent, darling...

magnificent.

Marvelous the way
you stood up to him, sir.

I only hope, Herr Kommandant,

that when my time comes to go,

I will face it with
the same courage...

What are you all talking about?!

You duel him!

It will not come to that.

When I heard that he
was coming, my darling,

I arranged for a plane...

to fly us both to Argentina.

To Argentina?

A new life together.

Twice before, I
have almost made it.

The third man is the charm.

What happened to the other two?

Do not think of them.

Think only of the future.

The future?

Here are the directions,
the recognition signal.

And here, the names in code

of friends in the Argentine.

But why give them to me?

I will meet you at
the plane, my darling.

But if something should happen,

you must promise
not to wait for me.

I promise.

The perfect ending
to a love story.

Nobody deserves it more.

You must be very,
very happy, sir.

Oh, yes... terribly.

Hogan, I still
don't understand it.

Argentina... how am
I going to Argentina?

You'll love it, sir.

It's a great country.

I hear Goering's already
made reservations.

Stalag 13, my perfect
record, everything gone.

Well, you'll have
your memories...

and Erika.

Hogan, I would not
tell this to anyone,

but I hope she doesn't make it.

You're a m*llitary
man, Commandant.

A mere woman just can't compete

with the joy of being with
your comrades in arms.

That's true.

You know something,
Hogan, I've often thought of you

not so much as a prisoner
but as a comrade in arms.

We can get together
after the w*r.

Yes.

Meet you halfway,

right in the middle
of the Caribbean.

Herr Kommandant, I
brought you the staff car.

Thank you, Schultz.

I shall be driving it myself.

And, Herr Kommandant,

on the occasion
of your leaving...

Yes, old comrade?

May I say that I always had

the greatest admiration...
for your riding crop.

Now that it is no
longer of any use...

All right, Schultz,
here, take it.

Well, I suppose that's all.

Schultz, will you take
my suitcase outside?

Schultz!

It's a hard w*r, sir.

Roger, over the target
area in 45 minutes.

All right, over and out.

The plane's right
on schedule, sir.

Let's hope Klink is.

Gee, I guess

we'll never fight
our saber duel.

Colonel, she came in

through the west
tunnel entrance.

I had to, I'm sorry.

I was not followed, I'm sure.

Okay, what happened?

I was questioned at the inn

by the Gestapo, a
Major Hochstetter.

What about? General questioning,

suspicions about
my friends in Berlin

and about Klink.

That's not good.

What did you tell him?

That I was working for Abwehr,

the m*llitary intelligence.

They are rivals of the Gestapo,

so it would be quite
difficult to check my story.

What's Hochstetter
going to do about Klink?

Shadow him... put
him under surveillance.

So when he goes to the plane,

they pick him up.

I'm afraid so.

That is why I came.

Aah, I was too smart for myself.

I made it too complicated.

Now they're going to
get the list from Klink.

But it's in code.

The code won't hold up.

They'll have the name

of every conspirator
against h*tler.

Without a fight, sir?

Newkirk, you're so right.

No... not without a fight.

Get on uniforms and masks.

We're going out as
members of Abwehr.

Right, sir.

You better come with us.

We're going to try to get you

on a plane to England.

No... my work is still here.

It's too dangerous.

I'll take my chances.

You know, you're quite a girl.

Too bad I have so much hair.

I could always
make an exception.

You're out rather late, Klink.

Oh! Major Hochstetter...

I-I... I was looking
for a prisoner.

You found him.

You're under arrest, Klink.

Search him.

Major Hochstetter, this
is quite easily explained...

Quite easily.

So...

Start with the suitcase.

The suitcase...

Couldn't we start
somewhere else?

Hmm... Berlin Gestapo will
be most interested in this.

And in you, too, Klink.

But, Major Hochstetter,

my relations with the Gestapo...

Major Hochstetter!

Don't move.

You are interfering
with the Gestapo?!

Let's put it this way:

The Gestapo's
interfering with us.

We are Abwehr

on a special mission
for the Fuhrer.

You are asking me to believe

that the Fuhrer is using
Klink for a personal mission?

Exactly right, sir,
personal mission.

Klink knows nothing...
He's a perfect dupe.

Perfect dupe, exactly.

You! Take this to the plane.

You will all hang for
this... if you are lucky.

Major Hochstetter,
if I were you,

I'd forget this.

Why?

You're interfering with
a highly secret project.

What happens to those who
interfere with such projects?

I am not intimidated.

Good. We'll give you
a three-second start.

I will not be intimidated!

One...

Come!

That takes care of that.

I, uh... I beg
your pardon, sir...

There goes the plane.

I hate to bring this up,

but since I was supposed
to be on that plane...

I mean, I thought I
was to be on that plane.

Yes?

What does the Fuhrer
want me to do now?

Continue being a dupe!

Continue being a dupe.

Yes, sir, thank you, sir.

LeBEAU: Mission accomplished.

All right, let's go.

But...

but... but...

You still here, Commandant?

Hogan...

What happened to Argentina?

Oh, that's complicated.

Also it's top secret.

Where is General von Weidler?

Bad news, sir...

He was recalled
to the Russian front.

The duel's off.

Oh... that's most distressing.

Worse than that,

his wife went back to Berlin.

To Berlin, huh?

Well, I will just
have to live with that.

You're a big man, sir.

Schultz!

What are you doing?

What happened to Argentina?

Give me that.

I am back and I'm going to stay.

And the events of
the past few days

are not to be mentioned... ever.

Is that clear?

Perfectly, sir.

Perfectly, sir.

What happened to Argentina?

Out, out, out!