05x14 - Tiger in the Streets

[bunniefuu]

Beautiful, right?

Didn't see it.
I was blinded by the glare.

[engine revs]

Hey, what have we got here?

Well, looks like a couple
of Jaguars out of the jungle.

[male #1]
'Yeah, I think
I'm gonna run them.'

I'm gonna twist their
tail a little.

- 'Come on.'
- What you think?

[indistinct chatter]

[crashing]

What?
Are you crazy, man?

- Gee, God.
- Chico, the same two guys.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

[female #1]
'Oh, no!'

What's your problem?
You crazy or something?

When I was a kid, there was
a car club called The Pharaohs.

The one thing I had really
wished for, was a fancy car

so I could get in that club.

Most of us spend
half our time

wishing for things
that we could have

if we didn't spend
half our time wishing.

We had dances,
we had picnics

we had beach parties.

[tires screeching]

Hey.

[tires screeching]

[horn honking]

[instrumental music]

[police siren wailing]

Back to the barrio,
Paquito.Woo!

Are you crazy or something?

Calm down, alright.
Calm down.

[horn blaring]

[tires screeching]

[siren wailing]

[tires screech]

Help me, please!
My friend is hurt.

He's up there.
He fell.

There's a great big
hole in the ground.

Take it easy now.
Show me where, alright?

[engines revs]

[dramatic music]

[music continues]

Hurry!

He's, uh,
he disappeared.

And I stopped.

He didn't even see it.

- It was all covered over.
- It's a trap.

It's an animal trap.

[growling]

[theme music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[police siren wailing]

[engine revving]

Here, catch!

Catch what?

- Dead?
- Chunk of raw meat.

Come on up.

Whoa!

Hang on, Nellie.

[laughter]

Woo.

Could that be
a barbecue pit?

Not if I remember
my Jungle Jim movies.

No, used it for bait.

Probably laid it
on top of that cover.

- Tryin' to trap what?
- Wild dogs?

Wild cats?

A hole that size
and that much meat.

Gotta be something big.

Think I'll go call this in.

I think I'll come and help.

Hey! Hey,
wait for Bwana.

[dramatic music]

[music continues]

[roaring]

Cops? How did the cops
get into this?

Were they looking
for the cat?

I don't think so,
Mr. Kessler.

They just helping
the biker.

I didn't find no sign
of Princess.

Yeah, but they're gonna
wonder about that pit.

We gotta find that tiger
before somebody else does.

If that cat gets k*lled,
I'm out five thousand bucks.

Maybe if we
reported her missin'

we could get the animal
regulation people to help us.

Oh, yeah, sure.
Now that's just great.

Really great!
Ha-ha, yeah.

And if she gets hungry
enough to hurt someone

then they know
just where to find me.

I'm liable, Tony!

I'll lose my license
before I open for business.

Well, it's just, uh..

We've been searchin'
for two days now.

That's right.
Well, now we search harder.

That cat comes down
out of the hills.

I don't want
to think about it.

Now you get out there,
will you?

I'll come out just as soon as
I finish feeding these others.

You talk about fat, huh?

My uncle is so fat

he can sit around a table
all by himself.

[laughing]

You get it, huh?
Hey!

It isn't the minutes
he takes at the table

it's the seconds.

[laughing]

The seconds?
The seconds.

Second helpings!

Grossie, where did you
get these jokes?

I made 'em up. Why?

You know I've been told
that I have the makings

of a pretty good
stand-up comic.

Yeah, well,
take my advice..

...stick to writing, uh,
magazine articles.

Let me see those cards.

Maybe I can help you
punch 'em up, huh?

'Did you see that?'

Hey, listen.

I gotta buddy who's
a very successful comic.

I'll give him a call,
maybe he can give us

some professional advice.

Maybe even some
great jokes, huh?

Why?
You think I need 'em?

- Yes!
- Yes!

Wait! You know, guys

there's this one about
this two old little ladies..

Jon, Frank,
come here a minute.

I'm worried about this,
uh...car fight

that you and Jon broke up.

It may be g*ng-related.

Wheel rumbles
with combat cars.

'We've had them before.'

That low rider
was no combat car.

It was built for show.

I may be able
to flush it out.

Well, give it a try.

Also, about your jungle safari

did you guys mark that pit?

Animal regulations
can't find it.

Of course, we did.

Well, meet 'em on
the fire road

first thing in the morning

so you can point it out, okay?

Wife buys all her clothes
in Paris.

- Alright. Alright.
- Paris, Texas!

You know, right?

- That's good.
- You know, the one I like is...

[dramatic music]

You, uh.. You think them cops
got a pretty good

look at my car.
What do you think?

- I say we paint it.
- Yeah.

And stop chasing Chicanos.

Stop?

I ain't but started, mate.

You know what them tacos
owe me, huh?

I know if you don't
put it behind you

you're can end up losing it.

Let me remind you a little piece

of ancient history, Vince

in case you've forgotten it.

Who was it, rolled over
on me, huh?

Sent me to prison?

Francisco Martinez.
Cisco.

My pal Cisco.

'Yeah, he'd come in here
with that Merc.'

He said,
"Wally, I need me a favor."

I say, "Sure, what you need?

Anything you want, my friend."

Yeah, I Z'd it for him, man.

I shaved it.
That car is clean.

Then he takes off.

With our work,
our money...and my old lady.

She's a tramp!

Wally, you're better off
without her.

And Cisco is Portuguese,
not Mexican.

I'm alone without her.

That's what I am without her.

You talk a good game.

You talk a real good game.

'Cause you got a home.

You know what I got?

I got that house.

Yeah, that's all I got.

First time I felt good
in that was when

we bumped them Jaguars
last week.

I ain't givin' that up.

[dramatic music]

[growling]

[engine revving]

Hi. Officer Baker
and Officer Poncherello.

- Are you--
- Officer Lloyd.

You expecting
someone older?

No, uh..

Uh, taller.

The pit we're talking about
is pretty deep.

Would you be good enough
to show it to me?

[engine revving]

What do you think?
Giant gopher?

We have no report
that might explain this.

You know, people keep big cats
for pets. Lions, leopards.

Well, their pets escape and
they try to avoid responsibility

by not reporting it.

And if there was any sign
left around here

you wiped it out.

Sorry.
We had a little problem.

Well, you certainly
complicated mine.

Might be some tracks
in the brush.

Okay, I'll take it
from here.

Hey, listen, if you're
talking about tigers and lions

maybe we should stay.
I mean, by yourself you're--

Weak and helpless?

I was gonna say unprotected.

Sorry.

But people often doubt
me just because..

Well, you understand.

I don't see
anything to doubt.

I'm quite used
to protecting myself.

Even against wolves.

Yeah, she could s*ab 'em
to death with her tongue.

I have a radio
and equipment in the truck.

- If I need help, I'll call.
- Okay.

[engines revving]

[dramatic music]

[growling]

[growling]

Tracked her East,
as far as Corona Canyon

and she commenced
doublin' back on me

and I lost her
in them rocks.

I think she'd stop
if she got her belly full.

She don't know how to hunt
for food, Mr. Kessler.

Never hunted food
in all her life.

It's gonna be dark soon.

We better get back
out there and bait

those two other pits
that we dug.

[engine revving]

- Here you go, Baker.
- Oh, thanks a lot.

You know, I never
realized it before

this is like
old family night.

Sure. Guys and gals,
mothers, fathers, kids..

..a rolling social event.

Unless the street gangs
mess it up.

It's spectacular.

Come on.
I got a name.

[engine revving]

[dramatic music]

I remember this place.

They've been customizing
cars here for years.

Come on.
Let's go in.

The cops think I'm guilty
of doing something, Rudy.

I didn't do nothin', man.

You ran away,
that's what you did.

They'd hassle him, Rudy.
You know how they are.

[door opening]

Okay, you bring me the car,
I'll fix it up

and you pay me when you can.

Hey, what can I do
for you, amigos?

Looking for Rudy Balta.

At your service.

Two brothers used to
own this place.

Gomez brothers.
I bought 'em out.

Should I know you?

Well, I grew up
in the neighborhood.

Uh, Frank Poncherello.
Jon Baker.

How you doin'?

We're here on, uh, business.
No trouble.

Word is you, uh,
wrote the bible

for a car club called
The Jaguars.

Yeah.

I'm still kinda their advisor.
Why?

We stopped a game
of bump and tag today.

One of the cars was a low rider
with a Jaguar plaque in it.

Now if something's building up,
we'd like to know about it.

I'm afraid you don't understand
car clubs, my friend.

We understand people,
insults, bad blood, g*ng wars.

If you can help us..

[speaks in Spanish]

[speaks in Spanish]

What do you want
the Jaguar for?

He was speeding, he left
the scene of an accident.

'And later we think he was out
there looking for revenge.'

'But mostly what
we want is una palabra.'

Cooperation. Comprende?

You'll be here tomorrow
morning? Ten o'clock?

He'll be here.

Gracias.

[door opening and closing]

You banged your car
running from the cops, huh?

You just forgot to tell me
about any accident. Right?

We were trying to get away.

It wasn't Chico's fault.

[speaks in Spanish]

You be here tomorrow
morning with the car

or I come after you myself.

'Entiendes?'

Bien entiendes, Chico?

Yeah.

[indistinct chatter]

You know, the Playas
and the Jaguars

used to be mortal enemies.

Yeah, not anymore.

The cars brought 'em together.

Hey, uh, is it alright
if I go road test my car?

Why not? Go ahead.

Ah, looks like
a rich man's hobby.

Nah. Just ordinary
working stiffs.

They do most of the work.
I just help out.

Off the streets
and into the seats.

That's what car clubs
are all about.

Chico's never been in trouble.
Why hassle him?

I could come down
a lot harder, Rosita.

Well, what about the guys
that started this, huh?

Come down on them.

Well, give us some help
and we will.

You've been closer to them
and their car than we have.

I hear you.

But look, uh,
you got a badge.

Somebody hangs a stool
pigeon label on me

make it a long nap..

...in a cold bay.

[speaks in Spanish]

Look who you talkin'
to, Chico?

What kind of honor is there
in knuckling under, huh?

And then you go after them,
and then they come after us?

No thanks.

Well, at least
quit the car club.

And lose the Jaguar plaque.

Don't drag decent
people down with you, man.

Hey, officer.

The license plate
on the car?

It's 1FK-Q421.

[dramatic music]

[music continues]

[engine revving]

[growling]

- Dory?
- Keep your mouth shut.

I'll handle this.

[Mr. Kessler ]
'Morning, gentlemen.'

Mornin'.

We, uh, noticed the sign
down on the road.

- Would you be Mr. Kessler?
- In the flesh.

Uh, anything wrong
with the sign?

No. We were wondering
if you had a visit

by the animal regs
officer this morning?

No, I haven't. Why?

Well, we think there might be
an animal loose in the hills.

Big animal.
Probably a cat.

That could be real dangerous.

But mine are all here.

[car approaches]

[Ponch]
'Oh, our past
is catching up with us.'

What are you doing here?

Well, we thought
we'd be of some help.

I mean, there's a lot
of these places around--

I've been checking
animal parks all morning.

Now this is my responsibility.
I can handle this.

You two like to be
left alone?

Mr. Kessler, uh,
this is our friend

and colleague,
Officer Lloyd.

How do you do, officer?

- May I take a look around?
- Say "Yes," Mr. Kessler.

- She's gonna do it.
- Why, sure.

Uh, we're just starting
to get set up.

Would you like to see the
animal compound we're building?

Please.

[cats growling]

Notice you've got
some empty cages here.

Oh, yeah, we got some
more animals comin'.

Where's your other tiger?

You've got a permit
here for two.

Princess. Oh, she'll be
along in a couple of days.

Fine animal.

[growling]

Hey, Jon.

A loose lion or tiger,
if it's been raised by people

dependent on people
for its food

is the most dangerous
animal that there is.

It's always
basically wild.

That's true.
Very true.

Mr. Kessler,
about that equipment

in the back
of your truck.

Oh, that's just stuff
we normally use

when we're moving animals.

[female dispatcher]
'Units in the vicinity
of Drago Canyon'

'and Bradbury Road, we have
an animal control report'

'of a large feline,
believed to be a tiger'

'loose in the hills
in that area.'

'BOL.
And notify immediately.'

'Use extreme caution.'

[dramatic music]

[engine revving]

Don't use no
tranquilizers, ma'am.

What did you say?

It's Princess, ma'am.

The lock on her cage got broke,
I don't know how.

But she just had her
babies a while back.

She's allergic
to tranquilizers.

You follow me.

Dory, you're fired!

[music continues]

We've got a helicopter coming.
I'll go to stand by my radio

and guide it in, okay?

- Yeah, thanks.
- Alright.

- Did you see her?
- No, but I saw her tracks.

Looks like she's moving
this way.

Poor little mother.

She's probably longing
for her babies.

- What?
- She had two cubs.

They sold 'em.
Took 'em away too soon.

That's too bad.
Cats make good mothers.

In fact, I know some humans

that could profit
by their example.

You love animals,
don't you?

People aren't half bad, either

if you give them a chance.

[engine revving]

Hey.

'Jaguars.'

[dramatic music]

[crash]

Hey, come on, Wally.

Now this one's
not even ours.

- Knock it off!
- Ha-ha.

Hey, Taco!

[music continues]

[horn blaring]

[horn blaring]

Where you runnin', Taco?

Ain't nowhere to run up here.

[horn blaring]

[music continues]

[growling]

[music continues]

Ohh!

She's coming.
You better cut the helicopter.

It might frighten her.

You can cancel the helicopter.
She says it's comin'.

[horn blaring]

She's comin'.

[music continues]

[horn blaring]

[horn blaring]

[music continues]

[horn blaring]

Hey, stop!

Fools! You stupid fools!

[music continues]

[horn blaring]

[music continues]

[horn blaring]

[screams]

[crash]

LA 50, Mary-3. We have one
over the cliff at, uh..

...Drago Canyon,
three miles East of Roxbury.

Send the paramedics, 11-41.

[dramatic music]

[speaking Spanish]

[mumbling]

Is he talking?

I don't think, uh..

I think he was trying
to tell me something

but I don't think
he was very coherent.

[ambulance siren wailing]

How's he doin'?

He's in surgery now.

Rudy's down the hall
with his mother.

Now listen, just before
they took him in

Ramon told me two words,
Los Mismos.

The guys who did this
to him today

Los Mismos,the same guys?

What same guys?
I don't know what--

Chico, the guys you
rumbled with before.

He recognized them.

If he saw them,
you saw them.

- We can put 'em away.
- We didn't see nobody.

Man, I wasn't looking
at them, right?

I was-I was looking
for how to escape.

Who's supposed to stop
guys like this, huh?

- You? Or who?
- Us, Rosita.

Look, officer, that is my
best friend in there, alright?

Me and him,
we're like blood brothers

you know what I'm sayin'?
So, uh..

...why don't you just
give me some space?

Don't push me right now.
Let me think about it.

Maybe, just maybe
I can remember.

You have my number.
You call me.

[engine revving]

Here comes someone, man.

Well, well, well.

Decided to join us,
did you, Taco?

I've been looking
for you, vatos.

Yeah, well, you found us.

You know that friend of mine
you ran off the road?

Yeah?

Well, I hate
to disappoint you

but he's gonna live.

Well, I guess I'm just
gonna have to try

a little bit harder
then, won't I?

Man, you've been chipping
at us on the street, ese!

Now I want to see what kind
of guts you really have.

Well, then why don't you
just keep talking?

- Poyo.
- Huh? A chicken race?

Come on, that's kid's stuff.

- 'Poyo, huh?'
- That's right.

There's the time
and the place.

Now you be there, alright?
'Cause I will.

You got it, Taco.
You want a poyo,you got it.

[engine revving]

[Baricza]
'Hey, it's awful serious
at that end of the table.'

I thought we came here
for laughs.

And that's just what's
gonna happen.

Grossie, you're on.

No way!
I'm not prepared.

That's what you think.
Look.

This is all new material.
Professional quality.

It's from a buddy of mine.

Go on up there.

- I can't back out now.
- Go on!

- Well, if you insist.
- Go on, Grossie.

Alright, Grossie.

Thank you very,
very, very much.

Okay, okay, uh..

Hey, Turner, you with us?

'Hey, smile, man.'

Lost you there for a minute.

[laughter]

Uh...no, but seriously,
black is beautiful.

'I believe that.'

Uh, ever since I saw
"Roots" on TV.

Of course a lot of people
turned it off

after the first half hour
'cause, uh..

...they, uh, didn't score
a basket.

Where'd you get
this stuff, Harlan

at a Klu Klux Klan rally?

You're on a roll, man.
Go! Go!

Uh, but black guys
are good at basketball.

They're, uh, good at football,
good at baseball.

Why, they're practically good
at every sport but auto racing.

You never saw a black guy
at a race track, driving a car.

"Shooey, that fast."

No, sir. Anytime you see a black
man driving a car that fast--

Hey, settle down. It's okay,
he's a good dude.

Take it easy.
Take it easy.

Really, he's a cool dude.
Really.

Get him out of here!
I want him out of here.

Remember the old saying,
"To forgive is divine."

Be divine.

Hey, you didn't think
that was funny?

No, not from Grossie.

This friend of yours
hates cops?

No, he works at
the Comedy Crossroads.

He gets a million laughs.

[dramatic music]

[growling]

[growling]

[screaming]

[roars]

Everyone inside of a shop,
please stay there.

Close the door
and remain calm.

If you're inside of your car,
just stay put.

This will all be
over with soon.

Any news from your sergeant?

No, he'll be here soon.

I hope your idea works.
I mean, uh..

...tranquilizer g*n might
as well be a canon

if that tiger's allergic.

Well, she came back
for the meat last night.

She's not too hungry.

Well, there wasn't a lion
or tiger cub within reach

so I brought you
your second choice.

[meow]

- Here we go.
- Great. Thanks.

- Sure.
- Kittens? I don't get it.

Uh, she had cubs,
but they took 'em away.

Kittens won't fool her,
but might make her investigate.

You have to understand
motherhood, Frank.

[meowing]

[music continues]

Come on now.

[music continues]

Yes, baby.

- There you go.
- 'Good girl.'

Frank, there's a Rudy Balta
who wants to see you right away.

- That was a good job.
- Oh, thanks.

These two are so darling,
I'd like to keep 'em both.

Well, they belong
to my son's best girl

and she's, uh,
nine years old.

So watch out.
Oh, ho ho.

Rudy, you wanted
to see me?

Something's coming down.
I think it's a poyo.

A car race.
A chicken race.

I made Rosita come with me
but she won't tell me

where it's taking place.

Okay, gracias.

Rosita..

...talk to me.

[speaking in Spanish]

It is important, baby.

Life or death.

Now what's going down?

'A chicken race?'

'Where?'

Rosita, you just can't
grow flowers.

You gotta fight weeds.

Who's gonna go
to the funeral, huh?

You? And who else?

[dramatic music]

[music continues]

Okay, that's equal distance.

Now all you gotta do is knock
this flag down with your cars.

[engine revving]

[engine revving]

[tires screeching]

[engine revving]

[engine revving]

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[police siren wailing]

[music continues]

[engine revving]

[crash]

LA 15, Mary 3,
send a rescue unit

immediately to the LA River

between Fourth
and Sixth Street.

[female dispatcher]
'10-4, 7 Mary 3.'

Marry him while he's out
on bail.

Keep him out of trouble.

Hey, treat me right

and I'll get you back
in the club, huh?

Oh, man, but you know
I've been doing

quite a bit of travelling,
you know?

And now ladies and gentlemen
it's good to be back here

at the Comedy Crossroads
once again.

Is this the guy Grossie gets
his jokes from? Slappy White?

- He gets a million laughs.
- I guess so.

I was in Evansville, Indiana,
about three weeks ago.

'That's where they make
washing machines.'

And you know, one day
I said to the boss, I say

"The President's
out there tonight."

He say,
"Well, give him a big bow."

So I walks out, I said,
"Where is the President

of the washing machine
company?"

He said, "Right here, sir."

I said, "Why is all of your
washing machines white?"

He looked at me and said,
"We got black agitators."

[laughing]

But I tell you
one thing, man.

See, 1981 gonna be
a great year

for black entertainers

Because we are good
in football

we good in baseball

we good in basketball.

We good in everything
except auto racing.

You never see a black man
at the Indianapolis 500

driving a car that fast.

Anytime you see a black man
driving a car that fast

he's being sh*t at.

Ha-ha. Alright.

I don't understand it.
I guess I'm just not funny.

But you know,
ladies and gentlemen

the policy here, at
the Comedy Crossroads

is to present new
and young talent.

And I see a friend of mine
out there

who want me to
introduce his protege.

Let's have a nice
warm reception

and bring to the stage,
Artie Grossman.

Come on, Artie.

[cheers]

- Come on, Artie.
- Get up there.

- No way!
- 'Come on.'

Thank you very much, Slappy.

Hey, how many channels
you get on that jacket?

This is really
kind of embarrassing

'cause I'm not really a comic.

I'm a highway patrolman.

And that's not funny.

Though, as a motorcycle cop,
I'm proud of my pursuit.

[booing]

I mean, what I'm
trying to say is

we trained hard
at motor school.

We fell down,
we ran into things

got all bruised
and skinned.

Our class yell was "Ouch."

'Seriously.'

You know, there was this time
when this guy

robbed a liquor store, right?

He goes into a dark,
really scary alley.

So what do I do? I call
our meanest dog out, k*ller.

I say, "k*ller, go see."

k*ller runs in the alley.

k*ller comes back out.

k*ller looks at me and says

"He's got a Kn*fe."

I said,
"k*ller, you were trained

to do that kind of stuff."

k*ller says, "So were you."

I had-I had an, uh,
old woman, right?

She ran a red light.

This old guy's
crossing the street.

Old woman hits the old man
about ten feet in the air.

He comes down, smack,
right on the ground.

She jams on her brakes
and screams, "Look out!"

Old man looks up and says

"What, are you coming back?"

One time, I pulled
this lady over.

She's waving her arm furiously

out the window, like this.

You know, I thought
she needed help.

She goes, "Oh, no,
I'm drying my nail polish."

and I say,
"Uh, well, excuse me

could I see some
identification?"

She says, "Oh, don't be crazy.

I'm your Aunt Bessie."

[instrumental music]

[music continues]