05x21 - The Game of w*r

[bunniefuu]

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

t*nk Commander
to Red Leader.

'We're in the enemy zone.
So far no sightings.'

They gotta be
out there somewhere.

Put a unit on point

'and keep checking
your perimeters.'

10-4.

[music continues]

[engine revving]

[music continues]

t*nk Commander
to Blue Leader.

'We just made
visual contact.'

Very well.
att*ck when ready.

10-4.

[music continues]

[music continues]

Alright,
that's it!

[music continues]

That's it.

[music continues]

[tires screeching]

No.
Stay out of the city.

[tires screeching]

[music continues]

[tires screeching]

Come on.
Let's go, Bates.

We've got problems.

Whose idea was it to recruit
a bunch of dummies, right?

Well, dummies we got.

[music continues]

[horn honking]

[screaming]

[theme music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[female dispatcher]
'Any unit in the vicinity of
Clawson and Moorpark'

'a citizen's report
of a high-speed joyride'

'Southbound on Moorpark,
near Clawson.'

LA 15 Mary 3 and 4

responding from
Moorpark and Fourth.

[engine revving]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[engine revving]

[female #1]
'I really don't know
what happened.'

All of a sudden,
I couldn't see a thing.

There was all this
red paint all over..

It's okay, ma'am.
It's okay. Just calm down.

This wasn't your fault.

Everything's gonna
be alright.

Can you tell us anything about
either one of the vehicles?

Did you see them?

It sounds crazy,
I know, but one of them

had some kind of
insignia on the side.

A name? A company logo?

No, sir, uh,
a red silhouette.

Uh, like an army
t*nk, I think.

No, I'm positive.

It was an army t*nk.

[deeply breathing]

w*r games
on the city streets?

Yeah, whatever happened
to kick the can?

Ha, ha, that's
a good question.

Look, I'll take the rest
of this lady's statement.

You guys get back
on your b*at.

- Thanks for your help.
- Thank you.

You can keep
the handkerchief.

[sighs]
Thank you.

Two guilty parties,
half a dozen witnesses

and nobody gets a half-decent
license number.

Can you believe that?

Well, you and I are
trained observers.

The average citizen isn't.

You got that right, partner.

How many of those mannequins
suffered fatal injuries?

I don't know, uh..

...eight or ten, why?

Correct answer...six.

Oh.

[laughing]

[engine revving]

Major Rascoe..

...good to
see you again.

Is that a fact?

Seeing you makes me
ill, Pete.

I don't mind telling you.

After your lawyer
contacted me

I got right to work,
you know.

I came up with
a diversionary plan

which I hope
you'll approve.

As good as
your last one, Pete?

Hey, that-that was
a long time ago, Major.

A long time.

Uh, I'd-I'd rather
not talk about it.

No, come on,
let's talk about it.

Beginning with that day
over the yellow river

when you bailed out of my
airplane without permission.

Come on.
Tell me about it.

I was scared.

Is that what
you wanna hear?

'I was so scared, I didn't
even know what I was doing.'

I'm sorry.

I've told you that.

Right now, I'm doing
everything I can

to make it up to you.

You'd have loved
the crash-landing.

Too bad the crew
and I lived.

As the lone survivor,
you might have been a big hero.

[sighs]

Jet pack was
delivered yesterday.

What do you, what do you,
want me to do with it, Major?

I want you to test it for me.
I understand you've flown it.

I helped design it..

...for the company
you ripped off.

'Remember?'

Yeah.

For three long years
while you were recuperating

from a broken ankle
on the Santa Monica Beach.

I was looking up at
those POW Camp walls

dreaming about
how to fly over them.

'That's how I got the idea
for the jet pack.'

Yes, I heard that story.

[bell dinging]

About your diversionary scheme,
keep working on it.

Okay.

Well, Pete, thanks
for coming to see me.

Keep in touch, you hear?

Yes, sir.
It'll be my pleasure.

Lousy officers.

Who needs 'em?

[engine revving]

And this controls
the ignition to thrust.

This rotates the jets
for direction.

This is the most important
instrument of all.

What's that?

This shows your flight time

how many seconds of power
you have left.

Alright, you may wanna
stand back a little.

[whooshing]

[yells]

You ever dream of flying?

I dream of dying in bed.

Ah, it's gonna
work perfectly.

Yeah, but, uh..

...how about
from a rolling van?

Our one restriction
is flight time.

You only get
20 seconds up there

whether you're
through flying or not.

Yeah, I noticed.

Alright, just stall
the negativity, will you?

[sighs]

Ugh!

I-I don't understand.

It was running just fine
and then it just stopped.

Well, let's
have a look at it.

I-I really appreciate
your helping me.

I'm supposed to be at the
airport to pick up my mother.

Oh, here it is.
It's a loose coil wire.

I wonder how it
popped off.

Why don't you hop in
and crank it up?

[chuckles]

[engine revving]

Uh, thank you
so much.

Could I have your name?

So that I can
write your company

and tell them how much
I appreciate your help?

It's Frank Donovan.

That's D-o-n-o-v-a-n.

- Frank Donovan?
- Yes, ma'am.

Well, Mr. Donovan,
you are hereby served.

I'm not taking
your papers!

Come on.
Be a good sport.

A good sport? I'll show
you a good sport, lady!

Come on, roll your window down.
Roll your window down

or I'm gonna break it,
I'm telling you, you don't..

You ain't got no right
coming and doing this!

Come on, lady, I'm not
fooling around! Come on!

Come on, wait a minute.
Come here.

Okay, settle down.
Settle down.

She's got no right
coming out here

and giving me a summons.

I'm Darla Mason,
legal process server

for the firm of Trenton,
Whiteworth, and Gordon.

As I see it, you've just been
served with a legal summons.

Why make a bad day worse?

Uh, my client, his ex

is appealing
their divorce settlement.

So now she's gonna
have her day in court.

I take it the defendant
has been a little hard to catch.

Oh, nothing special.

Then why go through
all the trouble?

Well, trouble is what
makes it so much fun.

I like to outfox
the real slippery ones

that no one else can catch.

Like the famous Mounties, huh?

Yup, I always get
my man...or woman

whatever the case may be.

I am known as the Sam Spade
of the process servers.

Really?

Well, lady, with your legal
background you may be aware

that it is illegal to park
in a tow-away zone.

Your driver's license
and registration, please.

Ugh!

[instrumental music]

[Pete]
'Now, listen to this.
This is important.'

'Every strategic offense
has a weakness.'

'Has a what?
Has a weakness.'

'If your opponent
sees that weakness'

'and he can capitalize
on it, what?'

'He has you at a
tactical disadvantage.'

- 'Right? Right.'
- 'Right.'

Which brings me around
to yesterday's score.

Let's hear it
for the blue one, huh?

Tomorrow's another day,
right, men?

- Right.
- Right.

That's what they all
say, Mr. Bates.

Well, now on a slightly
different subject.

Uh..

...yesterday it came
to my attention..

...eh, uh...I think I oughta
mention it to you.

If any of you..

...uh, get too rambunctious..

[all laughing]

Alright...and you're
pulled over by the gendarme

please, just name, rank,
and serial number.

[laughing]

I want you to be ready
for the next engagement.

We'll keep you posted.
Thank you.

[applauding]

Well, Mr. Bates

you're bored
with board games?

You'd like to join our little
family here of armchair generals

'for some make-believe combat?'

I'd rather make believe
this whole crazy stunt

was over with..

...and I was on
a beach somewhere

south of the border
drinking pina coladas.

Yeah, ain't it the truth?

Bye-bye to alimony taxes
and servicing driveways, right?

Yeah, process servers too.

What's the matter,
you got legal troubles, Ron?

One of my workers says there's
this, uh, smart-lipped lady

that's been asking
a lot of questions..

'...where I was,
where I hang out.'

Well, it seems like
she's a process server

and she wants to lay
some paper on me.

I doubt her papers do any
good in Yucatan, right?

[chuckles]

Getraer b*at
Bonnie last night.

Uh-oh. That means
you got to play Grossman.

- It's only a chess game.
- Convince Grossman of that.

Hey, how come you never entered
the tournament, huh?

Uh, chess isn't my game,
but I like to sit

and watch my friends unravel
in front of each other.

Hey, that's
what it's all about.

[laughs]

That's a good one.

Hi, guys.
Where you been?

Grossman here can't wait
to get started.

I got a new pawn strategy

that should wrap up things
in short order.

Should I set up
the board?

I'll start the reports

if you guys wanna
get this settled.

Hmm, thanks, uh,
but this time of day

I'll take the accident reports

and save Comrade Grossnikov
for tomorrow.

[laughing]

Our last bulletin of the day.
Listen up.

Can hardly wait.

Ernie Rascoe,
you all remember him

is being extradited to Arizona

and central is going
to provide assistance.

Isn't he the dude
that milked

that Aerospace Company
over in Phoenix?

Yeah, who swore he would
never serve time.

Well, if he doesn't like jail

he can always buy it
and rip it down, I suppose.

Rich, huh? Hmm, I wonder
if he plays chess.

[indistinct chattering]

Hey, there he is.

[indistinct chattering]

Can't we have a little quiet?
This isn't a party.

[chuckles]
Shh. Shh.

[chewing noisily]

[crunching]

Shh. Shh.

[crunching]

Harlan, it's, uh,
it's your move.

Well, excuse me.
I'll be right back.

Your move.

This isn't fair.

He should have to spend
time at the board

sweating it out
like everybody else.

You know, you got
Joe really psyched out.

Listen, I know the moves
I have to make

and I'm not particularly
concerned about

Joe's fizzling offensive.

'So, I ask you,
why should I waste my time'

'just sitting around, uh?'

Don't you just love
the atmosphere

of friendly competition?

Well, that's what
games are for.

To let off steam in
a socially acceptable way.

Harlan..

...check.

- Hmm.
- Mmm.

- 'Uh-oh.'
- 'Uh-oh.'

Look out, Harlan.

See, occasionally, Harlan

it pays to spend
the extra time

and uh, think things through.

[chuckles]

Ah.

- Checkmate.
- Oh-oh, oh.

Get down, Harlan.

[groans]

Hey, listen to this.

"You tired of that
same old table top strategy?

"Wanna test your
w*r-waging skills

"in the real world?

"We're looking for a few
serious players to join

'"our game of w*r.'

"Interested?

"Write or contact
Twentieth-Century w*r Museum

"3456 South McMahon Avenue

LA, California."

[instrumental music]

Morning, officers.

Good morning.

Pete.

Officer Baker. Uh, this is
Officer Poncherello.

How do you do?

We read your ad
in your magazine

and we thought
we'd come by

and find out
a little more.

Yeah, well, uh..

Hi, you big
game enthusiasts, or..

Uh, well, my partner
likes to watch

but I'm ready to try
a new game anytime.

Good.
Good for you.

Hardly enough excitement

to go around
in this world, right?

[chuckles]

Yeah, depends, uh,
what you mean by exciting?

Well, uh, we, we just go
out to the desert

'every once in a while'

and play a variation
of capture the flag.

You know, like a
m*llitary w*r game.

A simple simulation
exercise, really.

A chance to practice
team strategy

'thinking under pressure.'

And we like to think that we
nurture some valuable skills

while we have a lot of fun.

You wouldn't be
interested, would you?

[Jon]
'Do you, uh..'

you ever put t*nk insignias
on vehicles

and uh, score points

by throwing some kind of
paint or dye bombs?

No way. No way.

I mean, that'd really
be overdoing it.

Yeah, but it does
sound intriguing.

Well, the game I'm talking
about was played

on the streets where innocent
people were almost k*lled.

Oh, I see,
well, didn't anyone

give you a license number
or a description?

- Nothing definite.
- Well, too bad.

You know, somebody always
is out to spoil the fun.

Well, you know, there's, uh,
always a chance

someone will tell us
something about it around here.

And if they do, we'll
be sure to let you know.

Thank you for your time.

It's our pleasure.

You come back
and see us again.

Thank you.

I got the feeling we just
had a game played on us.

Yeah, well,
maybe the next move

will give us
something to go on.

Yeah.

I don't know why.
Everything was moved up.

I'm being
extradited tomorrow.

This is what we do.

We use the diversion tactic
as we originally planned.

I want you to find their route
from here to the freeway

and pick a point
for the diversion

where the jet pack
will give me my biggest lead.

'Right? Everything else
is as we planned it.'

Yeah, I-I got that,
but--

One more thing, Pete.

When I come down
with that jet pack

I'm counting on you
to catch me.

Get yourself
together, buddy.

You don't wanna
clutch up on me now.

[engine revving]

Abandoned car.
Better check it out.

Somebody b*at us
to it, man.

[engine revving]

Okay, let's see how long

it's gonna take Rascoe
to get suited up here.

And go!

[engine revving]

Hope he's faster at
that than you are.

You just watch the road.

[engine revving]

[Bates]
'Coming up to
our blastoff point.'

[siren wailing]

We got a cop.

[instrumental music]

[siren wailing]

No good.

'I gotta pull over.'

Then I'm not gonna
stick around

with this thing to answer
a lot of questions.

[music continues]

Let me see your license
and your registration.

I'm citing you for
excessive speed.

Let me see.

Uh, hmm, must be
here somewhere, uh..

[jet pack whooshing]

You stay right here.

[music continues]

Seven Charles requesting
a backup to intercept a man

in a...what? A spacesuit.

He's landing on Glendon.

[female dispatcher]
'10-4, 7 Charles.'

[music continues]

[music continues]

Well?

Uh, I don't need that now.

Rocket suit?
Like Flash Gordon?

[chuckles]
It was weird enough
to see that guy

come up over the wall.
Where'd he go?

Uh, maybe it was a jet pack
or something like that.

He probably took off
in that abandoned car

we saw here a few minutes ago.

Yes, so all you have to do
is find the officer

that ticketed the car
and get the license number

'and that'll solve
that puzzle.'

Yeah, with a vengeance.

[engine revving]

[engine revving]

[screaming]

[tires screeching]

[groaning]

- He hit me.
- Easy, lady. Easy.

Did you see
what they did?

Are you alright?

Ow, I wanna talk
to your boss.

But, listen, ma'am.
I was, I was the one driving.

I'm responsible for it.

Open up.
I know you're in there.

You are the owner
of this car.

And this driver is
in your employ.

I want to know your name.

My name is Katherine Thomas

and our car had already
made the turn

when you stepped off
the curb.

Now, my driver will take
all the information

and make a full report.

Your name is
Katherine Thomas?

Yes.

[Katherine Thomas]
'Robert, get us out of here.'

Yes, ma'am.

Katherine Thomas,
you are hereby served.

[car engine turns over]

Hey!
Hey, lady, come on!

Lady, give me a break.
Stop the car.

Hey, Ponch.

Lady, hey!
Hey!

Oh, for heaven's sake.
I can't believe it.

You're crazy, old lady!

Robert, stop the car.

[tires screeching]

[instrumental music]

[male #2]
'Hurry up, you guys.
The lady's hurt.'

[male #3]
'Give them some room.
Stand back. Stand back.'

- 'The lady needs some air.'
- 'She's dead.'

- 'No. She's up.'
- 'It looks like she's okay.'

[male #4]
'Hey, what's that stuff
on her arms?'

- 'Oh.'
- 'She had a wig on.'

[indistinct chattering]

Well, another day,
another dollar.

[instrumental music]

Anyway, what else
can I tell you?

I was an only child
who grew up

with overly-protective parents.

That explains everything.
No, thank you.

You know what I think it is?

It's that latent desire

to court danger,
but you guys, of all people

should be able
to catch a glimmer

of where I'm coming from.

Uh-uh, help us.

Parental authority in extremis.

I think I'm stuck
in a deep funk

of late adolescent rebellion.

You had to ask, huh?

Oh, maybe I was born
to serve papers.

Anyway, you'll never
hear me complain about

how boring my job is.

But, Darla, how long
are you gonna be taking

needless chances
and bending the rules?

Hey, I am touched.

You guys not only give tickets,
but you really care.

Yeah, we care, about you and
everybody else you put in danger

when you pull one of
your daredevil deliveries.

See, it'd be a shame
for someone with your smarts

to end up as a statistic.

So, think about it.

Come on, Jon.
We're over our break time.

Oh, no, no.
Wait a minute, you guys.

I-I really do love you.

Anyway, you should talk.

You don't exactly have the
safest profession in the world.

But it's not the same,
we're out there

trying to cut down
on the danger.

And you're out there
trying to add to it.

So, when we meet up with someone
as reckless as you are

and as nice..

...it's frustrating.

Come on.

See you.

Oh, hi, do you know that car
on the overpass yesterday?

Nobody gave it a 4-22.

It had a ticket.
We both saw it.

Somebody's going through
a lot of trouble just to..

To what?

Well, if you figure it out

why don't you clue me in?

- Hey, Bear, come here.
- Yeah.

They've been here all night?

Yeah, it's Grossie's day off.

They made an agreement
that they wouldn't quit

until somebody won.

Check.

[chuckling]

I won. Ha ha!

I won!

I think you
just threw the game.

B-but my rook was going
to take his queen.

Well, I haven't taken
my finger off it yet.

[chuckling]

[all applaud]

And now that the important
business is over

I'd like to extend
an invitation to all of you

to join the morning briefing.

Rascoe will be extradited
at 1:30 this afternoon.

Peters, you take lead
for the Arizona deputies.

Uh, Turner,
you take backup.

Now, be at the jail
by 1 o'clock this afternoon

for a procedural rundown.

Got it.

Rascoe will be transported
on back streets to the I-10

which will take him then
all the way to Phoenix.

Now, you two will take him
to the San Berdoo line.

From there, other units
will take over

from there to the border.

The rest of you
on Downtown beats

monitor blue channel five.

Okay, that's it.

Start smiling.

[indistinct chattering]

[engine revving]

Okay, Mr. Ronald Bates

get ready for
your day in court.

[metal clanging]

[sighs]

You having problems?

She's refueled
and ready to take off.

Have a cheeseburger.

Nope.

An empty belly keeps
the mind sharp, Bates.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[creaking]

[Pete]
'Okay, now,
you know what to do.'

'When the w*r gamers run into
the motorcade, I grab Rascoe.'

[Bates]
'That's right, then you radio me
just as soon as he blasts off'

'so I can be at the right place
at the right time, got that?'

[Pete]
'You know, if the cops
are gonna move in at 1:30'

'we better get started.'

[clank]

[Darla]
'Oh!'

What was that?

Look at this, Bates.

[clearing throat]

Ronald Bates,
you are hereby served.

[chuckles]

Now what are we gonna do?

We're gonna keep her
under wraps for a while.

After that, whatever
she blabs..

...won't matter.

[instrumental music]

Come on.

LA 15, 7 David.
We're rolling.

[female dispatcher]
'10-4, 7 David.'

Watch out for Jim.
Good luck.

[engine revving]

The troops have just left.

Mine are ready and waiting.

I'll be at the catch point
in five minutes.

[mumbling]

Same to you, honey.

[instrumental music]

[engine revving]

[Darla grunting]

[grunting]

What's up?
You need some help?

Oh, hi, no,
thank you, I, uh..

I'll be finished here
in about 30 seconds.

- 'Thank you, though.'
- Oh, alright.

[Darla grunting]

[panting]

[grunting]

[motorcycle engine revving]

[screaming]

[grunting]

[engine revving]

I have blue column approaching
on your left flank.

'Red team, get ready.'

Go get 'em!

[engine revving]

[instrumental music]

[tires screeching]

[tires screeching]

[Turner]
'Hold your positions.'

'It's only a game.
We know about these guys.'

[male #5]
'More smoke!
Give 'em more smoke!'

[male #6]
'Come on, blue team!'

[male #7]
'Circle them.
Keep circling. We got 'em!'

[engine revving]

[male #8]
'I can't see a thing.
Get on the radio.'

Hey, get that thing
out of here!

[male #7]
'Don't move, Rascoe.
Stay right where you are.'

[Rascoe coughing]

[Turner]
'Follow those cars!'

Move it!

[male #8]
'Come on! Let's go!'

[tires screeching]

[Turner]
'This is 7 David.
We got a problem here.'

[engine revving]

[siren wailing]

[music continues]

LA 15, 7 David.

Rascoe has been sprung
from Arizona unit 84.

Believe headed South on third.

I need backup fast.

Check that out.

[music continues]

[Darla mumbling]

Ah, there.

You've finally served somebody
that wasn't a good sport, huh?

I guess so!

Alright, just calm down,
alright? Calm yourself.

- Just tell us what happened.
- It's not important.

This guy Bates
and this guy Stoler

are staging some bogus
m*llitary maneuvers

as a deception
to the cops.

And it's supposed to happen
at 1:30 this afternoon.

- Rascoe.
- What were they driving?

Oh, I, Bates I don't remember.

But Stoler had a black
mercury convertible.

[grunts]
Oh.

LA 15 Mary 3,
Attention all units

be on the lookout
for black mercury convertible.

Mary 3, 7 Charles,
I saw that car earlier

on the East side of
the Thomas Avenue Bridge.

[Jon on radio]
'10-4.'

Alright?
You just sit tight.

[engine revving]

[instrumental music]

[siren wailing]

Come on, Bates. You gotta
talk to me. What's happened?

We're doing it
by the numbers down here.

'Get ready.'

[siren wailing]

[music continues]

Hurry up! We're almost
in position.

Now!

[jet pack whooshing]

Alright, step out
of the van.

Yee-ha!

[engine revving]

[horn honking]

[tires screeching]

Okay, boys,
the game's over.

Step out of the car and put your
hands on your head.

Hey, don't be a sore loser.

Step out and put your
hands on your head.

Come on.

Turn around.

- Right this way.
- Move it.

[Rascoe]
'Stoler, you're
still obligated to me.'

[Pete]
'Me obligated?
What about you?'

If you weren't such a big crook
I wouldn't be in this mess.

Remember who you're
talking to, sergeant.

Yeah, a thief.
That's who.

I got a cocker spaniel
that'd make

a better officer
than you ever were.

You're a coward, Stoler.

You're a crook, Rascoe.

[Darla coughing]

[Getraer]
'You sure you don't wanna
see a doctor?'

Oh, for a little smoke
inhalation? Don't be ridiculous.

It's all part
of the game.

Two days ago, we stopped a guy
from punching you out.

Yesterday, we picked you up
after you bounced off a car.

'Today you got kidnapped.'

What's on the docket
for tomorrow?

I'm going to
Lake Elsinore.

I've got some papers I'm gonna
serve on a sky diver.

Please, I don't
wanna hear about it.

Uh, may I help you, sir?

Darla Mason?

Oh, yes, that's me.

You must be my cabdriver.

Darla Mason,
you are hereby served.

Oh, this is a joke, isn't it?

You guys are playing some kind
of a joke on me...aren't you?

Check the papers.

This is from Katherine Thomas.

The lady in
the limousine, remember?

Of course, I remember.

She says I scratched her
limousine. Can you believe that?

I can believe it.

Hey, buddy.
Wait a minute.

I wanna talk to you.

Well, partner,
as we say in chess..

...checkmate.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]