04x25 - The Return of Major Bonacelli

[bunniefuu]

Papa Bear calling Goldilocks.

Papa Bear calling Goldilocks.

Come in, please.

Come in, Goldilocks.

Papa Bear, Goldilocks
wishes to know

if you were able to
get any photographs

of the new German
antiaircraft g*ns in Hammelburg.

Negative, Goldilocks.

We sent out a new team,

but the area's
under tight security.

Were you able to get any
information on the g*ns

from our agents in
Germany and Italy?

Negative again, Goldilocks.

Roger, Papa Bear.

Continue efforts on the
new antiaircraft g*ns.

Roger, Goldilocks.

Uh, just a moment, miss.

Would you care to be a pen
pal to a lonely British w*r hero

in a German prison camp

who lies in his bunk
staring at the ceiling,

wondering if ever again he'll
see the white cliffs of Dover

or go strolling through the
heather in the Highlands

or take a rosy-cheeked English
lass punting on the Thames?

Stand by, Papa Bear.

Our wires have just
been crossed with the BBC

and we're getting one of
those dreadful soap operas.

Roger, Goldilocks, over and out.

Yeah, she thinks
she's a ruddy comedian.

Well, don't take it
so hard, Newkirk.

At least you've got a job
waiting for you at the BBC.

Kinch?

Yeah, Colonel.

What'd the Allied
Headquarters want?

They still want us to get a line

on those new antiaircraft g*ns.

Did you get in touch

with Major Bonacelli
in Capizzio?

No, I couldn't reach him.

If you ask me, Bonacelli's
working as a singing waiter

in an Italian restaurant
in Switzerland.

You're not being fair.

He happens to be a
very valuable agent for us.

Yeah, I just hope

the Germans haven't
caught on to him yet.

Try getting him again, huh?

Right, Colonel.

Papa Bear calling Capizzio.

Come in, Capizzio.

Colonel Hogan, I...

Hold it, Carter.

Papa Bear calling Capizzio.

Come in, Major Bonacelli.

Colonel...

Please, LeBeau.

Come in, Major Bonacelli.

I'm in, I'm in.

Hold it, Major.

Major Bonacelli!

You have a wonderful
memory for faces, Colonnello.

Bravo, eh?

Well, why aren't
you in Capizzio?

Well, because they
discovered my secret radio.

Well, didn't you
have it camouflaged?

Yeah, but who figured
the captain of the Gestapo

would put a fork into a
plate of cold lasagna?

Oh, great.

Ahh, and then we
tried to wire a pizza

and I believe it was
the tomato sauce

that kept shorting it out.

I don't know.

Major, did you by any chance see

those new German
antiaircraft g*ns at Capizzio?

No.

You see, when you are running

a prisoner-of-w*r camp,

you do not have the chance

to see the equipment.

We tried to get a look

at those g*ns in
Hammelburg, Colonel,

but it was just impossible.

Well, it's up to you,
Major Bonacelli.

Me?!

Mm-hmm.

But please, no jokes,
Colonnello Hogan.

I only drop in to get a hot meal

and a road map to Switzerland.

Major, you've got to help us.

Well, you didn't
hear what I said, eh?

The Gestapo is after me.

They're not going to
suspect you're here.

Colonel Hogan, you're
looking at a very tired man.

You know, to make my escape,

for three days I had to
be with a donkey cart.

Well, why would
that make you tired?

My dear boy, today in Italy

when a man says "a donkey cart,"

he doesn't necessarily
mean that he has a donkey.

Look, look, I'll make
a deal with you.

I'll check to see if Klink

has any information
about your defection.

If he doesn't, you go into town,

get the pictures of the g*ns

and we'll get you to London.

What do you got
against Switzerland?

You could be a
big help to London.

Think of all the
Italian lives you'd save.

All right.

I get a headache
from yodeling, anyway.

Hey, LeBeau, what
is that you're cooking?

A pizza.

Pizza?!

Yeah, that's what
Major Bonacelli

ordered for breakfast.

Where'd you get the
stuff to make that with?

What do you think he
brought in his suitcase?

Clothes?

He had one pair of shorts
wrapped around a salami

and four pair of socks filled
with mozzarella cheese.

Hey, you know if the Gestapo

ever let their dogs
have a sniff of his garlic,

they're going to tear
old Bonacelli to pieces.

Hello, LeBeau, my friend.

How are you this morning?

You know how he is...
Up to his ears in garlic.

It figures you'd
be the first one

to get wind of what
he's cooking, Schultz.

Oh, you are cooking?

Oh, come off it, Schultz.

You can smell
his stuff for a mile.

Three miles.

Somebody opened
the window on my bus.

Here, anybody want
a piece of pizza?

Oh, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja.

I would love to have...

Oh, that looks beautiful.

Mmm, that's a
beautiful pizza, ja.

Tell me, LeBeau, tell me,

why did you make
an Italian dish?

Don't you know what day this is?

No, what day is this?

Leonardo da Vinci's birthday.

How do you like
that? I forgot it.

Oh, yeah, LeBeau's a
very sentimental man.

Thank you.

Yeah...

Last week he made a tamale pie

in honor of Ricardo Cortés.

Carter, that's
"Hernando Cortés."

I always get those two mixed up.

Mmm, wunderbar.

Wunderbar!

Mmm, I wish my wife
would cook like this.

Oh, come on, Schultzy,
your old lady can't be that bad.

No?!

Last year I had Christmas
dinner here in camp!

You didn't.

And with the prisoners.

Hi, fellas.

You want a piece

of pizza, Colonel?

Uh, no, thanks.

Good, I take his piece.

Okay...

Boys, arrivederci.

Good.

Th-th-that's Italian.

Yeah, we know.

Marvelous.

♪ O, sole mio... ♪

Major Bonacelli.

I thought the guard
would never leave.

Oh, the smell of that pizza
was driving me out of my mind.

I've got good
news for you, Major.

Just one moment, Colonnello.

Ooh, ahh, ahh...

Mmm, mmm...

How you like it, Major?

Well, it could use
a little more garlic.

If it had any more garlic,

it'd take the hair
off your chest.

Not when it is Italian hair.

Eh?

Yeah, Major, uh...

nothing has come through

from the Gestapo on your escape.

That's good news, huh?

You can go out
through the tunnel,

come in through the main gate

and help us with our mission.

Just because we got good news,

why do we have to spoil it?

If we can get Klink
to take you into town

to see those antiaircraft g*ns,

you can be of great
value to headquarters.

But Colonel Hogan,

they could get word
here in a minute.

And you know the
next thing will happen?

I will end up into the
big pizzeria in the sky.

Now, look, Major,
if we work fast,

you got nothing to worry about.

All right, all
right, I will do it.

But first you must
promise me to do one favor.

Anything.

Make him put more garlic
on the next pizza, eh?

Colonel Hogan is
here, Herr Kommandant.

Good morning, Colonel.

Good morning, Hogan.

State your complaint and leave.

Why is it every
time I come in here

you think I have a complaint?

Well, then, Hogan,
what can I do for you?

I have a complaint.

Please, I have no
time this morning.

I happen to have received
a letter from my mother.

Hogan, I don't even read
letters from my own mother.

The letter I received
from my mother

is one that I sent her!

What are you talking about?

This time your censors
have gone too far.

Suppose you let me be
the judge of that, hmm?

This letter was one

in which I said to my mother,

"If I ever have a son,

"I hope he is as fine a man

as our commandant,
Colonel Klink."

I turned this over to
intelligence immediately,

and they assured me
they will break your code.

What is it, Schultz?

Herr Kommandant,
you are having a visitor.

A visitor?

Major Bonacelli...

The Italian prisoner-of-w*r
commandant... remember?

He was once sent here
to you for a training course.

Bonacelli, of course.

Send him in.

It's always nice to visit

with one of our allies.

Allies?

I thought you
said he was Italian.

Hogan, Major Bonacelli
is a loyal officer.

If you are ever in Capizzio,
you must visit me, eh?

Oh, I'd love to, Major.

I will show you sights

that will fill your
heart with amore.

And, when the moon rises

over the barbed wires
of the prison camp,

it will make your knees
feel weak like linguini.

I hear that he's called
"The Klink of Capizzio."

Ah, Major Bonacelli,
how nice to see you.

How nice to see
you, Maestro, eh?

Oh, you're very kind.

Oh, not at all.

I did not know how to run

a prisoner-of-w*r camp

until I studied
under the great Klink.

Oh, really? Yes, yes.

Before I took lessons from you,

the only thing I ever threw

into the cooler was white wine.

Oh, you were my finest pupil.

Grazie.

If you fellas are going
to have a class reunion,

I'd like to leave.

Who is he?

Colonel Hogan, the ranking
officer for the prisoners.

Don't you remember me, Major?

I was here when you were
walking around the campus

in your frosh beanie.

Ah, yes.

Yes, yes, I remember, yes.

What can I do for you, Major?

He obviously wants
a refresher course.

In my camp, for that
you would have gotten

two days in the cooler.

If you had a nice white
wine, it'd be worth it.

You must forgive Colonel
Hogan's distorted sense of humor.

You're still laughing
over the one

about the Italian "allies."

Oh, any dissension

between the Germans
and the Italians

is purely enemy propaganda.

Ah, bravo, bravo.

Uh, Major, how many

of the new, secret
antiaircraft g*ns

have you got at Capizzio?

Uh, secret antiaircraft g*ns?

Yeah, the same ones they
delivered to Hammelburg.

Oh, don't tell me

they haven't shown
them to their allies.

Well, I'm positive
the Colonnello Klink

would be more than happy
to show me the new g*ns.

Eh?

My pleasure, sir.

First we will inspect the g*ns

and then we will
go to the Hofbrau

for a fine luncheon
of sauerbraten, huh?

Sauerbraten?

You will be my guest, sir.

I'll just go and
call for the car.

Nice work, Major.

You also got
yourself a free lunch.

Sauerbraten?

I'm sure that the food

is deadlier than the g*ns.

Boom!

Well, Major...

there's our latest
antiaircraft g*n.

We will wipe out
the Allied air power.

Their planes
will drop like flies.

Very impressive,
Colonnello, very impressive.

Well, now that
we've seen the g*ns,

it's off to the sauerbraten!

May I ask what you're
doing with this camera?

Uh...

Uh, heh, heh...

I know...

I know you will think of me
as being too sentimental.

You see, I wanted a picture
of you, Colonnello Klink.

A picture of me?

Yes.

I always had admiration
for three great heroes:

Cristoforo Columbo,
Guglielmo Marconi and... you.

Me?

With Marconi and Columbus?

Not necessarily in that order.

Oh, that's most flattering.

May I?

Stand right over here.

We have direct light.

Yes, yes.

All right, are you ready?

Colonel, more to the right.

That's good, very good.

Smile, eh?

This is my good side.

Watch the birdie.

You've got to give
it to old Bonacelli.

I never thought he'd
go through with it.

Yeah, he knows
which side of the pizza

his cheese is melted on.

Colonel, I contacted
the underground.

Good.

As soon as Bonacelli
gets back from town,

they will be ready
to get him to England.

Ah, should be in about...

Hey, hey, we got visitors.

Hochstetter?

That could be bad news.

Ever hear of the Gestapo
bringing good news?

Hey, Schultz...

what brings Hochstetter

and his fun-loving Gestapo here?

I know nothing!

The area is all clean, Colonel.

Boy, it sure is.

You can eat off the ground.

Which is a lot
more than I can say

for the tables in the mess hall.

It is not clean!

There is paper right over there.

That's the guards' area.

Make them clean it up.

It blew over from your barracks.

When the wind
shifts, we'll pick it up.

Schultz!

Schultz!

Jawohl, Herr Major.

Where's Colonel Klink?

Oh, he is in Hammelburg

having lunch with a guest.

Oh, well, have him report to me

the moment he returns.

Jawohl, Herr Major.

Anything I can do?

I have reports

that there's a
traitor in the area.

Oh, a traitor.

Oh, I report to the commandant

the minute he returns
with Major Bonacelli.

Good, I...

Bonacelli?

That's the traitor!

Carter, wander over
to Hochstetter's car.

I think he's got some
papers on his tire.

I don't see any papers.

Puncture the tire.

We need time.

Oh, I get it.

All right, come on, LeBeau,

we got to get into town
and warn Bonacelli.

Herr Major, Herr Major...

Herr Major, Major Bonacelli

is the best prisoner-of-w*r
commandant

in the Italian army.

He is giving information
to the enemy.

Where is Colonel
Klink having lunch?

At the Hofbrau.

The Hofbrau, good.

Major Hochstetter!

What?!

Please, don't forget,
order the Wiener schnitzel.

It's excellent!

Bah!

I wonder why he doesn't
like Wiener schnitzel.

Because it was outlawed

at the Geneva Convention,

along with cruel and
inhuman treatment.

Oh.

I can smell the
sauerbraten already.

Take a deep breath.

Is that an order?

Major Bonacelli, I assure you,

there's absolutely
nothing in the world

like German cooking.

You are so right...

There is nothing in the world

like German cooking.

Colonel Klink, good afternoon!

Gretchen, my Liebchen.

This is Major Bonacelli.

This is the prettiest
waitress in all of Germany.

Oh, Colonel, you say that

to all the waitresses.

Come this way.

She is... crazy about me.

Colonnello, really...

you should not go to
all this trouble for me.

Oh, please, I want to
show you my friendship.

You showed me the g*ns.

That was friendly enough, no?

I am going to give you a taste

of real German hospitality.

All right, if you insist.

Please.

Here we are.

Would you like
to look at a menu?

Ah... no menu.

We will have two
orders of sauerbraten.

And veal scaloppini for me, huh?

Oh, I've ordered for both of us.

No, if you don't
mind, Colonnello,

I would like to order
something else, you see.

Oh, but you see, this
is the chef's specialty.

But I am sure,
only I don't think

she can lift two
orders of sauerbraten.

Why don't you look
at the menu, Major.

Um...

Danke schön, Fräulein.

Entschuldigen, bitte...

the potatoes you
ordered are here.

Ja, out here, please.

What's going on?

They must have just ordered.

What do we do now?

We've got to get him

out in the kitchen somehow.

Otto, give me one sauerbraten
and a Wiener schnitz...

You're not Otto.

Who are you?

We're with the Gestapo.

Gestapo...

Shh.

Colonel Klink is under suspicion

as a traitor.

Colonel Klink?

Fräulein, go about your duties

in the usual fashion.

Yes.

Fräulein?

Yes?

Who ordered the
Wiener schnitzel?

The Italian major.

Danke.

LeBeau, did you get that?

One sauerbraten and
one Wiener schnitzel.

Right.

I think this chef could
win the w*r for us.

They have a
marvelous wine list here.

What would you like with
your Wiener schnitzel?

Oh, just a glass of water

with a dash of
bicarbonate of soda.

How is this going
to get Bonacelli

into the kitchen, Colonel?

With this note
you're going to slip

in his Wiener schnitzel.

Believe me, it will be the
tastiest thing on his plate.

Okay, put it up on the counter.

Right.

Now the major says

he ordered the
Schnitzel Holstein.

Tell him we are
all out of Holsteins.

But all you have to do
is fry an egg on the top.

Tell him we're all out of eggs.

All right.

I'm sorry, Major, the chef
says we're out of eggs.

Hmm, that's ridiculous.

I'll have a word with him.

Oh, no, never mind,
Colonnello, please.

I am really not that hungry.

But, Major, you are my guest.

I want you to have
everything you want.

Well, if that is the
case, I will have a pizza.

Oh...

You know, actually
this looks very tasty.

Well, help yourself, Colonnello.

Please, I insist, please.

Oh, thank you.

Mmm...

Maybe I went wrong

with the sauerbraten, huh?

Let me suggest that, um...

I should try some, eh?

Ja, ja.

Where are you going, Major?

I'm going to
compliment the chef.

But you haven't even
tasted the Wiener schnitzel.

Yes, of course, all right...

I will try some.

Mmm, fantastic.

The chef is a genius.

Don't tell him.

The first thing he'll
do is raise the prices.

Just because I tell him
that I enjoy the food?

You can never be
nice to a German.

Well, then I will say
it was just fair, huh?

You eat and I will come back.

Fix that tire, Dummkopf!

Jawohl, Herr Major.

I shall always
be grateful to you.

You know, I never thought
I would get out of here alive.

Then you knew the
Gestapo was coming.

No, but did you taste
the Wiener schnitzel?

Mamma mia!

Uh-oh, talk of the devil.

Come on, let's get
out the back way.

There isn't time...
In the locker.

LeBeau, take care of them.

What?!

Where is Bonacelli?

Major Hochstetter,
won't you join me?

Where's Bonacelli?

The Wiener
schnitzel is marvelous.

Where is Bonacelli?!

In the kitchen.

The kitchen.

He's not here.

Where's Major Bonacelli?

He went out the back way.

The back way.

It's safe.

Would you believe a
prisoner-of-w*r commandant

ending up in a cooler?

Don't complain...

It's better than being
at the Russian front.

But not as good as Switzerland.

All right, let's go.

Major Bonacelli.

Yes?

Who's going to
pay for the check?

Colonnello Klink, no?

Oh, that's impossible...

He went out with the Gestapo;

he may never come back.

Can we talk about
this some other time?

But then I'll have
to pay for it myself.

All right, give it to me, eh?

I got an idea.

Where's Bonacelli?

Major, what are you doing?

I just paid the check.

Well, come on.

Well, I'm waiting
for the change.

Ten marks for a
lunch like that...

That's ridiculous.

All right, listen, Major.

Tell Klink's driver that
the Colonel wants him

inside the restaurant
immediately.

Driver, Colonnello
Klink wants you

in the restaurant immediately.

He has just had an
att*ck of sauerbraten.

Mach schnell! Mach schnell!

Halt!

Halt!

Corporal Schneider!

Yes, Major?

Follow that car!

But Major...

Follow that car, Dummkopf!

Goldilocks calling Papa Bear.

Goldilocks calling Papa Bear.

Come in, Papa Bear.

This is Papa Bear.

Go ahead, Goldilocks.

This is Major
Bonacelli to Papa Bear.

The photographs
are in friendly hands.

I wish to thank you once
again for saving my life.

You did a fine job, Major.

Grazie.

Incidentally, I will send
you a real Italian dinner...

From antipasto to spumoni...

As soon as I'm released
from the hospital.

Were you wounded
trying to escape?

Much worse.

I'm suffering from an acute
case of Wiener schnitzel.

And I want you to send a
motorized detail to the river

and work backwards.

And have Corporal
Lallenscheid take a patrol

and cover sectors
east of the camp.

Oh, and Lieutenant
Bergman, find my staff car

or your next assignment
will be searching for a sled

on the eastern front!

I knew I should not

have trusted Major Bonacelli.

Remember, you heard
about the Italians from me first.

He's correct, Herr Kommandant.

He warned you.

Dismissed, Schultz.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Colonel Klink, this
just arrived for you.

It's from Major Bonacelli.

Oh, thank you.

It's probably a thank-you note

for the sauerbraten.

Ha! Look at this, Hogan.

He's not only a traitor,

but he's a bad photographer.

Gee, what a shame he didn't get

more of you in here, sir.

Sure would have liked
one of these for my wallet.