(Elevator bell rings)
Look, I know we're scheduled
to stay at your place
Monday, tuesday
and wednesday, corky
But I have to be
in arlington on wednesday
And it really
would be easier for me
To get there from my place.
That's all well and
good, miles, but I have
A hair appointment
on wednesday morning
And the salon
is near my place.
Okay. No problem.
We'll stay at your place
tuesday and thursday
And my place monday, wednesday
and friday, after which
We'll go back
to our schedule
Of biweekly rotations
with alternating wednesdays.
Oh, geez,
the telecommunications bill
Was less complicated
than your living arrangements.
Haven't you decided
whose apartment you'll live in?
No, we haven't.
That isn't fair.
You already have the weekend.
I realize that, honey
But you know
the weekend is our...
Special time.
Yeah? So?
So, when we're at
your place doing...
Special things
I feel like your cat
is always there...
Watching me.
Studying me.
Judging me.
Well, miles, that isn't
exactly his fault.
I mean, those noises you make
Do sound an awful lot
like his favorite squeaky toy.
Uh, hey, have you
guys ever thought
About buying a house?
I was up in ravensport
last week.
They have got
some great real estate values.
How great?
Really great. Prime lots,
motivated sellers--
With interest rates
the way they are
Now is the time to buy.
Really?
Miles, maybe we should
take a drive up there
You know,
check out some houses.
A house?
Us? Buy a house?
With a lawn
that needs to be mowed
And no takeout food
within miles.
Oh, and then,
when something breaks down
You're at the mercy
of big, sweaty workmen
Who stare longingly at you
While they make impressions
of our house keys
In their chewing gum
So they can come back
and k*ll me in my sleep.
Yeah. A house.
Wait a minute.
Prime lots? Interest rates?
Motivated sellers?
Since when did you become
So fascinated
with real estate, frank?
Well, I met this woman...
Oh, boy, here comes trouble.
We were at the gym,
we got to talking
She asked me what I did...
She didn't recognize
you from fyi?
Well, I look a little different
at the gym
In my bandanna and muscle shirt.
Then I asked h
what she did.
She said she was
a real estate agent, so...
So let me guess--
she walked to the juice bar
And you spent your time
on the treadmill
Trying to decide
how to ask her out
When, finally,
out of desperation
You chased after her
And said you were interested
in buying a house.
Oh, you think
you know everything.
First of all
I was on the stairmaster
And second...
The rest is pretty much
the way you said.
Look, murph, this
woman is different.
Tara is so special.
She's beautiful,
funny, intelligent...
Oh, god, frank, don't say,
"she's the one."
She might be.
She certainly has
most of the criteria
For... "The one."
Then what's the problem?
Just ask her out.
I can't do that.
You ask women out
all the time.
Well, that's because I
don't care that much about them.
You know,
they're not the one.
You can't just walk up
and ask out the one.
What if she says no?
Then you've got
to ask another "one."
And let's face it,
how many "ones"
Do you come across
in your lifetime?
Two, three, tops.
So, if you don't want
to go out with a woman
You can ask her out.
Right.
If you want to, you can't.
There you go.
You're insane.
So, what do you
Suggest I do?
It's radical, but I suggest
You drop this stupid pretense
of buying a house
And ask the woman out.
Oh, I don't know, murph.
Maybe you're right, but
what if I scare her off?
Frank, she's already seen you in
your bandanna and muscle shirt.
You're way past
The point
of scaring her off.
Oh, man, what a day.
I can't wait to get home,
kick off my shoes
And take off my panty hose.
Oh, what the hell.
Why wait?
Murphy, stop!
You're just going to
have to be uncomfortable
Until you get home,
like the rest of us.
Although some of us won't
actually get to be home
For another four days.
I'm sorry
you feel that way, honey
But nobody forced you
to trade the end of this week
For three floating days
in july.
It wouldn't
be a big deal
If you didn't
insist on us
Shuttling between
apartments
Like carny folk.
The important thing is
we'll all be home soon.
Oh, no! I almost forgot.
Geez. Hey, you guys,
you don't mind
If we make a short
stop, do you?
Of course we mind!
You know the rule, frank--
No errands on car pool day.
Or have you forgotten
the four-hour odyssey
To find a ben and jerry's
willing to take
Murphy's -cents-off coupon
that expired three months ago?
When we finally found it
Didn't it taste
all the sweeter?
We don't know.
You wouldn't let us have any.
Why are you getting
on the beltway?
Hmm? Oh, it's just
a little bit further.
How much further?
Five, ten... Minutes.
(All protesting)
Where are we going?
And this better be good
And I'm talking
fate-of-the-world
Life-or-death,
timmy's-trapped-in-a-mine-
And-lassie's-barking-
at-the-kitchen-door good.
It's a house, okay?
I promised tara that
I'd stop after work
And have a look
at this house.
The real
estate woman?
What?!
I thought you were going
to play it straight.
No more gimmicks or lies.
All right, look, I know
what you guys are thinking
But going to these open houses
with tara these last few weeks
Has really allowed us to slow
things down in our relationship
And really get
to know each other.
I'm telling you, this has been
The best dating experience
of my life.
That's nice,
but don't you think it might
Be because she doesn't know
you're actually dating?
I don't know
what the problem is.
We'll be there in another hour.
An hour?
You said minutes.
I've already told
you about the house.
There's no point
in lying about
the rest of it.
So, how far
is it really?
An hour and a half.
Get us home!
(Gasping)
Oh, my god.
This is a big house.
You think?
Just because it has
a visitor center?
Wow. Very
impressive, frank.
Of course, I've always been
a sucker for any home
That comes
with its own serfs.
Crops look good, though.
You know, miles
I was a little on the fence
about this whole house thing
But now i...
I really want one.
Like this? You want
a house like this?
No, of course not.
Whew.
I mean, who'd want a helipad
so close to the aviary?
Let's look around,
get some ideas.
Just out of
curiosity, frank
Why would tara be
showing you wayne manor?
Unless, of course--
and this is probably it--
You're batman.
You know, i-i didn't
want her to think
I was just messing around.
Frank, this place has
six turrets and a belfry.
You are just messing around.
Just stop this
stupid charade
and ask her out.
Woman:
frank
You made it.
There you are, tara.
You know me.
Just call, I come running.
You're so funny.
So, aren't you going
to introduce me?
Oh, yeah.
This is my friend murphy
Who's just my friend-- murphy.
Hi.
It's a pleasure
to meet you.
So, frank,
what do you think?
Don't you just love
this place?
Oh, it sure is, uh... Big.
Isn't it?
I just knew you'd love it.
Every place
we've looked at
You said was missing
something, so I found
A place that has everything,
for only $ million.
Only five mil...
$ Million, hmm.
That's great.
Uh, tara, I
think frank has
Something he'd
like to ask you.
Don't you have
something you'd
like to ask tara?
Oh, uh, yeah, right.
Well, hmm...
Actually, i, uh...
I'll bet I know what it is.
Oh, really?
I think you're going
to be happy.
Yes.
This house has both
An indoor basketball court
And a solarium
that gets northern light.
I'm happy.
You asked
for a solarium?
He's so picky.
What do you say, frank?
Are you ready to call
this place home?
Uh, well, uh...
Look, tara, don't...
Don't get me wrong.
This is a great,
big, wonderful...
Big house, but, um,
i-i don't know.
It's, it's just...
What?
It's just...
Go ahead, frank,
tell her.
It's missing something.
(Groaning)
Really?
Frank, I don't know what to say.
I thought this was
exactly what you wanted.
Don't b*at yourself
up about this.
Really, we just
keep looking, okay?
And I don't care
how long it takes--
Weeks, months, years.
So, how's next saturday?
I don't know.
If this isn't the right place
I don't know what else
to show you.
I'm starting to wonder
if I'm the right agent for you.
Now, don't you say that.
We're perfect together.
That's sweet of you to say
But I really don't see
any point in going on.
I'm sorry
it didn't work out.
I'll take it.
What?
I'll take it.
The house? This house?
It's got northern light.
That house was
too good to pass up.
Did you get a look
at the master bathroom?
It had its own home
entertainment center.
With surround sound,
no less.
Yeah, that's nice.
Remind me to bring my own chair
on movie night.
What the hell
were you thinking?
What are you going to do
with a house that big?
I'm going to live in it.
You may not
know this about me
But basically,
I'm a homebody.
You've had your condo
for years
And I think
I can honestly say
The joads had more furniture
than you do.
Look, every financial expert
I've talked to
Says that buying a home
Is the best investment
you can make.
Miles, corky,
back me up here.
I'm not sure we're
the ones to ask.
After a long night
of discussion
We came to the
mutual conclusion
That the sherwood-
silverbergs
Are not currently in
the market for a house.
Isn't that right, honey?
Don't call me "honey."
Well, I think a pair of legs
Just sold you
a $ million house.
Oh, I see. You're jealous.
What?
You are jealous
That I'll have
a bigger house than you.
Tell me, did a coconut
fall on your head
When we were walking
through the part
Of your property
with the lagoon?
Your house is big
and stupid just like you.
Okay, fine. You make your
Clever little
comments
But at least I avoided
First-time buyer's trap
of buying too small.
Face it. Your strategy
didn't work.
You bought a house
to get the girl
And now you got the house
and no girl.
What are you talking about?
Okay, let's just say
for the sake of argument
That there was
The tiniest asthmatic spark
of a relationship.
By buying the house
All you've done
is snuff it out.
No more open houses,
no more tara.
Frank...
Oh, I'm glad I caught you.
I'm sorry I didn't call,
but I had to see you.
You did?
Well, that's just great.
I'm all yours, tara.
Great. I rushed the paperwork
And I wanted
to get your signature.
The house is such a steal,
I didn't want anyone
To grab it out
from under you.
That can happen?
Absolutely.
All the time.
That's why I need you
to sign these.
Oh... You want me
to sign this now?
Well, I know how much
you want this house.
Oh, I don't think you do.
Oh... Ah, ah.
You want me to sign
right there, huh?
Congratulations,
frank.
The house is yours.
Well, it's not really
mine yet, is it?
You know,
there's just...
Oh, boy...
Lots of stuff to do.
Now our work really
begins, doesn't it?
We've got those
loan approvals...
Um, inspections...
We're going to be working
Pretty closely together
For some time to come
I would say, wouldn't you?
Actually, this is where
my involvement ends.
What?
You'll get a call
from mr. Kirschner
In our post-sales
department.
He'll have you
in your house tomorrow.
Great.
Well, I guess
this is it.
I can't tell you
What a pleasure it was
working with you.
Frank!
What?
You can't go through
with this.
Get those papers back.
Unless you think
that kirschner guy
Could be "the one."
Look, I don't want
to disappoint her.
I don't want to be like
those other guys
Who lead her on and
forfeit their deposit.
It would break her heart.
Then what's your plan now?
Um...
For god's sake.
Tara, just wait
A minute because...
Because this lovely
couple down here
Would like
to talk to you.
They're just dying
to buy a house.
Oh, are you
in the market?
No.
But we'd like to be.
Wouldn't we, honey?
Don't call me "honey."
Okay, smart guy
You just spent
a fortune you don't have
On a house you don't want
and can't afford
Just to be with a woman
Who doesn't even know
you're interested in her.
So get your land-owning ass
over there and ask her out.
I don't know, murph.
I'm still waiting
for the right moment.
The right moment was back when
you were on the stairmaster
Five million dollars ago!
Now move!
All right!
Oh, tara...
You know,
I was wondering...
How would you feel
about, uh...
Well, um...
Look, you know,
now that I'm a homeowner
I was thinking maybe, uh...
Uh...
Would you consider...
Are you inviting me
to a housewarming, frank?
Yes! Yes, that's it!
That's it!
It's not for a few weeks.
You don't have
to answer now.
In fact I'd prefer
if you didn't.
I don't want to know.
I'd love to.
But we'll see each other
before then.
We will?
Absolutely.
When you come
by my office tomorrow
To drop off that million-
dollar down payment check.
She digs me.
Hey, miles,
having a good time?
Well, actually, I think
you served these chips
At your super bowl party.
Oh. That's great.
Say, uh, miles... Um...
Have you seen tara
come in yet?
No, but that
doesn't mean anything.
I spent minutes
lost in the kitchen.
It's great, isn't it?
Italian modern.
State-of-the-art too.
You know, only me and
the guy who owns fiat
have those fixtures.
Well, you better
give him a call
Because this came off
in my hand.
Did you just
hear the door?
Oh, frank, there you are.
Are you and doris
having a good time?
I haven't seen you
since you got in.
Splendid. We were
just admiring your...
I'm not sure what kind
of room that is.
I've only seen
a room like that once--
In a great castle
Outside the lovely
city of edinburgh.
Actually, that is the room
from the castle
Outside the lovely city
of edinburgh.
The previous owners
had it shipped over here.
Well, that explains it.
Magnificent workmanship.
By the way,
this came off in my hand.
Oh, frank!
I have got to tell you.
I was just in
your laundry room.
Oh! I have never seen
anything so magnificent
In my whole life. Oh!
The chandeliers,
the marble pillars
The gold-plated cherubs
lining the window seat
One of which,
unfortunately
Came off in my hand.
Can you believe
that detail?
It's really great,
isn't it?
Whoa... Did you
just hear the door?
No. I don't think so.
Frank!
You haven't opened
Our housewarming gift yet.
Oh. Oh, yeah. Right. Geez.
It's a book
for your library.
It's a first edition
of the great gatsby.
Really?
Oh, hey...
That is really sweet
of you guys.
It's a wonderful story too.
The hero buys
this incredible mansion
Just to impress
the love of his life
But it ends up not working
And he dies all alone
Face down in his pool.
Hey! You have a pool!
Well...
This is great, isn't it?
Got a book...
Got a shelf...
I've got a $ million house
that I can't afford.
Oh, god!
What have I done, miles?
Miles, listen to me.
You've got to help me.
There must be shows
that need a host.
There's nothing.
Oh, come on, miles!
There's got
to be something!
I can be the weatherman
on the morning show.
No, wait. Better idea!
I could go on to letterman.
He could attach me to things
and throw stuff
At me!
I'll get paid, right?
I don't know.
Isn't that the door?
Hi, frank. Sorry I'm late.
I was out shopping for
a housewarming present.
It's not easy getting a gift
For a guy who has
a room for everything.
Well, thanks, murph.
Where is it?
I said it wasn't easy.
How are things going
with tara?
She didn't come.
Oh. Well, it's early.
If she missed the shuttle
from the gate
It's a three-mile walk.
Anything left
to eat?
The party's almost over.
She's not coming.
I don't believe this.
Not only am I stuck
with this house
The woman of my dreams
has rejected me.
I hate this!
Thanks for coming. Bye.
Tara would be here
if it wasn't for you!
What?
I had a strategy.
I was taking things slow.
You moved me faster
than I wanted
And I scared her off!
Fine. This is what I get
for being a friend.
Well...
Enjoy your house, frank.
You deserve it.
Oh, by the way.
This came off in my hand.
Hi.
You're still here?
I thought you would have left.
Well, I tried about three times
But I couldn't find my way out.
Look, frank, I know
I was a little hard on you
And you're probably
Feeling pretty bad...
It's okay, murph. Really.
You don't have to apologize.
It's... You were
right all along.
It was
a stupid strategy.
I don't know
what I was thinking.
She was never really
interested in me.
I got to face reality.
That's a great idea.
But before you do,
you might want
To give me your belt
and shoelaces first.
Let me ask you something.
How did this happen?
How did I get into this mess?
Easy. You have a big heart,
a sensitive soul
And a loan officer
who apparently has
the math abilities
Of a three-year-old.
Ohh... Ooh...
Look, frank, I'm sorry
tara's not the one.
You've heard me say this before
But someday
you'll meet the right one.
When you do,
you won't have to work as hard
Because she'll appreciate you
for who you are.
And if she doesn't
Lock her in that dungeon
you've got downstairs.
Thanks, murph.
Are you as starved
as I am?
More.
We got two choices--
We can go to the barn
and slaughter something
Or we can drive
Miles
to the nearest mcdonald's.
Hi, frank.
Sorry I'm so late.
I had a house to show.
Oh. Uh... It's, uh...
Look, no problem, really.
That's your job.
Can I make it up
by taking you to dinner?
Look, uh...
It... It's okay, tara.
You don't have to
take me to dinner anymore.
I've already
bought the house.
Actually, I wasn't talking
about a business dinner.
You weren't?
But if you
already have plans...
Me? No. No plans.
Nothing. Nothing at all.
Uh... Here, murph.
Lock up for me, okay?
Best five mil I ever spent.
You know, frank,
you may not believe this
But I've wanted
to ask you out
Since the first moment
I saw you in the gym.
Isn't that funny?
Really?
That is funny.