That's not important now.
I'm here
for kay's early meeting.
When the hell
are you going to get here?
I don't know.
Right after
I picked up jim and corky
I hit an ice patch
And the car slammed
into a snowbank.
We actually had to kick out
the back window just to escape.
Uh-huh.
So, what, five, ten minutes?
The guy said
it would take
At least a couple
of hours
To get a tow
truck to us.
A couple of hours?
Well, no one else
is going to be here
So it's not worth
risking your lives.
Don't even bother
coming in, frank.
Ah, good morning.
Get your ass in here now.
Hey, where is everyone?
Their car went off the road
and they were almost k*lled.
(To herself):
lucky bastards.
I guess it's just
you and me then.
Actually, it's just you. Bye.
Maybe we should
look on this
as an opportunity
To use the time for
something productive
Like a little
job evaluation.
If you think
I'm going to listen
To you criticize
my interviewing skills
Or comment on my wardrobe
Or ask me to explain
how morley safer
Happened to wake up
on that garbage barge
Wearing makeup and one
of my donna karen pantsuits...
Actually, I was talking
about you evaluating me.
What?
I've been on this
job for a while
And I'd really like
to get your honest opinion
About how you
think I'm doing.
Okay. You stink.
You're right.
That was productive.
I'd really like to hear
what you have to say.
For example, if I
were evaluating myself
I might say that I
was a little too, um...
Abrasive?
Nice.
I was going to say nice.
Well, you are abrasive.
And if you ask me,
which you did
I think you need to be warmer,
more of a people person.
Well... More like me.
Like you.
You're serious.
Well, absolutely.
Take how I am
with my friends and colleagues.
They know
that no matter what happens
I am always there
to support them.
That's why they love me.
In five, four, three...
She always has
to have her own way.
Murphy likes
the thermostat
set at degrees
So we just have
to bring sweaters.
And when she gets water
at the water cooler
Does she ever get any
for anyone else?
What does water...?
We'll all be sitting
at the table.
She goes to get herself
some water
But does she say,
"corky, would you like some?"
Corky, you've got a mouth.
If you want water, speak up.
I want to be asked.
At least I don't announce
in that chipper little voice
That I'm getting water
And then ask everyone
if they want some.
"Jim, do you want water?"
"Frank, are you thirsty?"
"Miles, do you want water?"
How annoying is that?
Corky, nobody
wants your water
Just like nobody wants
those homemade lemon bars
That comes in those
cute, little tins
We all have
to return to you.
"Where's my tin?"
"Did you bring
back my tin?"
"You didn't forget my tin?"
"I want my tin back."
Well, if you're
so obsessed with
your stupid tins
Why do you put
the cookies there
in the first place?!
All right,
what's this about?
Where the hell you get off
Telling frank I'm the cause
of all his problems?
Is that what you
told her, frank?
No.
What?
Okay, okay.
I may have allowed her
to assume certain things.
Frank, why did
you lie to murphy?
I don't know.
Murphy?
Well, I'm not all
that knowledgeable
About therapy
But maybe it's because
he's a rotten, stinking liar.
Oh, that's
real constructive--
My best friend behind me
every step of the way.
That is your problem.
You always want
someone behind you
Every step of the way.
"Should I ask her out?"
"Do you like these socks?"
Oh, like you're perfect.
Like you're some kind
of pope or head nun
Or something perfect--
An orange or something.
An orange?
(Screams)
My eyes! My eyes!
We were just
shaking hands.
Your lips were touching
miller redfield's lips.
How could you do
a thing like that?
I don't know.
After we kissed last night
I promised it would
never happen again.
You kissed that
last night
And then woke up
this morning
And decided you had
to have some more?
Corky, I love you.
Stop that!
That second kiss
said it all.
Tell me you didn't
feel it, too.
I don't know how I feel.
My head is spinning.
It's probably so repulsed
It's trying to twist itself
off your body.
Corky, we have to talk.
What's to talk about?
She's married,
and you're an idiot.
Is corporate downsizing
good or bad in the long run?
Eleanor clift.
Slash the bloated salaries
of the c.e.o.s
And use the money to put
more americans back to work.
Murphy brown, your thoughts.
I agree. If we take...
That's your answer
to everything.
Take the salaries from c.e.o.s.
Take profits
from the shareholders.
Take someone's chair.
Take someone's agent.
What's the difference to you?
I see what you're getting at.
But this isn't about taking.
This is about sharing.
Exactly.
Jim makes a very
good point
Although I'm not so sure
about that agent part.
Well, I am sure and I have been
for the past years.
But is that taken
into consideration?
Oh, not for a nanosecond.
It was taken into consideration
Although how a breakfast
could be that important...
Issue five--
What in blazes are jim
and murphy taking about?
Stuart, you've
got to go now.
No!
Murph, this is our big chance.
We can make fyi
the show it was meant to be--
The old chemistry,
the old g*ng.
It'll be great. Murph!
There was no chemistry.
There was no old g*ng.
Or if there was, you
weren't a part of it.
You drove us nuts--
Taking off your shoes,
humming while you ate.
And there's no
such word as "allt."
"All I know." "All"!
It wasn't the network.
It was us.
We wanted you fired.
My name is murph-y.
Get off the stage!
You want to know
what else?
You're too abrasive.
You just said that.
Well, I know,
but I can't stress this enough.
Now, take how I am when
I'm dealing with the public.
I'm always thoughtful,
courteous, and demure.
Please.
I beg of you.
You're my last chance
to get there.
This is my son's
first birthday.
He's sitting at home
in his party hat
Waiting for mommy
to walk through
the front door.
One ticket, please.
You know,
when I see you on tv
You always come across
like such a hard-nose
But you're not.
You are obviously a very
loving and sensitive person.
You'll help me?
Are you deaf?
It's sold-out.
Give me a ticket!
Security!
Hi.
Nice club
you've got here.
Hello.
I'm murphy brown.
I'm new here.
I'm burt wilson,
club chaplain.
Ah. The chaplain.
I never thought
I'd see the day
When a woman would
be accepted in here.
I guess there's time
for everything.
No, there isn't.
I don't like it.
It's a dark day.
You've desecrated
our home and
ruined our lives.
Oh, shut up!
I'm sick of you little guys.
I've had it up to here
with your whining.
You want to see
Eye to eye with me
Get yourselves a stepladder.
Can I give anybody
a ride home?
I'm driving a honda civic,
so there's room for everybody.
Is that what you
wanted to hear?
Are you happy now?
Fine.
I'm out of here.
One question. How about it?
Morning.
It's a little harder
than fyi, isn't it?
You don't get to sit
in your cushy little chair
With your makeup
and your lighting.
Down here,
it's every man for himself.
I earn my stripes just
like everybody else.
Don't blame me
just because you're
a lox on camera.
Mr. President.
Wait. I wasn't
looking.
That's not fair.
He distracted me.
You did that
on purpose.
Bush:
settle down, murphy.
It was my turn.
Admit it.
Let me see that
question you had.
Give that back.
Ha! I was asking
tougher stuff
than this
On a high school paper.
Why don't you ask him
his favorite color?
No wonder you're still
a print journalist.
And I suppose it was hugh downs
that broke watergate.
Don't make me laugh.
You guys don't do
half the job we do.
When was the last time
you were on a subway?
(Hoarsely):
last time you were
out on the street
You were bounced
out of a bar.
Bush:
the only way we're going
to get out of here
Is let murphy
ask her question.
This better be good.
(Bleating):
mi...
Come on, murphy.
I don't have
all day.
(Bleating):
mi...
Thanks for coming.
(Bleating):
mi...
(Bleating):
mi...
If I ever see her
in here again
You're history.
Yeah, I'd like to report
a stolen veh...
Oh, great.
Murphy brown.
Just what I needed today--
To be part of some
"get the cops" expose.
And me without my doughnut.
Imagine my embarrassment.
I'm not here
to do an expose.
I'm here because
my car was stolen
And I'd like
to get it back.
Why don't you guys
ever go after the firemen, huh?
Everybody loves firemen.
"There's
a little kitten
up in the tree.
Let's call the big,
brave firemen."
Did you ever stop to think
Maybe it's the firemen
lobbing those cats up there?
It's on channel four.
Marshall.
I'm not a remote
control, okay?
You're not
a remote.
You're not a waiter.
I'm being held against my will.
Change the channel.
Keep going.
Keep going.
God, you call
these pretzels?
Who buys pretzels
made of oat bran?
You guys don't know
how to shop.
Oh, lovely.
A feminine
hygiene commercial.
Take it from me, fellas.
Not once have I played
frisbee on the beach
While discussing freshness
with my mother.
Get out!
What are you, blind?
The door's wide open.
We don't want you here.
I'm ready to go to jail
Or drive back to oregon
Or eat off the floor
of a nuclear reactor
If you would just go.
Just go.
Go.
Narrator:
it's quite a picture, isn't it?
Two long-standing enemies
coming together
To shake hands
in the name of peace.
And to think,
it may never have come to pass
If not for...
If not for murphy brown?
I'm not saying
I'm solely
responsible
For peace in
the middle east
But I did say,
"menachem, give him a call.
What could it hurt?"
My point is,
you have to be more diplomatic.
Like you--
you who could engineer
The camp david peace accords
But can't split a pizza
with frank
Without someone
having italian sausage
Shoved up their nose?
That's your problem.
You're too...
...abrasive?
Yeah, but I was going to say
You're too rigid.
You've got to learn to adapt
to new situations.
I do that all the time.
Rolling.
Kelly green.
Scene "h," take one.
Man:
action.
Murphy brown!
I got your letter
of apology, kelly.
Now I'm sorry I filled
your car with herring.
Perhaps you'd care
to explain this to me.
It's that letter
you asked me to type.
I made a few changes.
Murphy, you do not
punch up the lead
On a letter
revoking someone's parole.
And look at
these typos:
There, there, there...
You've been doing
this for a week now.
You're still
not getting it.
What exactly
is your problem?
It's not so easy
trying to type
When someone is constantly
interrupting you
With phone calls
to be made
And pestering you
for files
She could easily
get herself.
Perhaps you'd
rather spend
The rest of
your time here
Gutting trout
in the kitchen.
Firm meat!
I heard that.
Some people think
a souffle is hard
But it isn't really
As long as you
have the right utensils
And you
time everything right.
So what's next?
While we're waiting
for the milk to boil
We need to
separate
four eggs.
Well, why don't
you do that
While I grate
the orange peel?
Uh, okay.
Separate the eggs, huh?
Would you like me
to do that?
No, no. It's okay.
I can handle it.
Here we go.
Whoops.
Clean up
on aisle six.
Why don't I do that,
murphy?
You stir the flour.
Now...
There's this easy way
to separate eggs.
It's all in the wrist.
Watch this.
Hey! That's pretty good!
Let me try that.
No, murphy,
you stir the flour.
No, no.
I can get this.
Best two
out of three.
Now see here.
It's time for the milk
And this girl's still not got
the flour mixed in.
Why don't you talk
about the importance
Of keeping
your countertops tidy?
Here's a sponge.
Just one more egg.
We've got
to b*at the
egg whites.
I'll do it.
No. I'll do it.
I don't care
who beats the
egg whites.
Just b*at them!
They've got to go
into the sauce now!
Oh, those whites
won't b*at!
There's yolk in them.
So, they'll be
a little yellow.
Well, you don't
even know what
you're doing.
You ruined
my souffle!
Well, there's a
butcher Kn*fe.
Why don't you just
cut my heart out!
Lady, what do you
want from me?
It's : in the morning.
I haven't had a cigarette
in days.
It's a morning show--
lighten up!
Scene "h," take two.
Man:
action!
Murphy brown!
I got your letter
of apology, kelly.
Now I'm sorry I filled
your car with herring.
Man:
cut.
♪♪ ...got as far as the door ♪♪
♪♪ Knew they'd ask me
about you ♪♪
♪♪ Don't get around
much anymore ♪♪
♪♪ Darling I guess
my mind's more at ease ♪♪
♪♪ But nevertheless,
why stir up memories? ♪♪
♪♪ Been invited on dates ♪♪
♪♪ Might have gone,
but what for? ♪♪
♪♪ Awfully different
without you ♪♪
♪♪ Don't get around
much anymore. ♪♪
I'm telling you
I have a real knack
for comedy writing.
I look at this
And then I look at the stuff
on television--
There's no contest.
I am just excited I got
the part of president clinton.
I've got my sax,
ready to rehearse--
Give me a copy
of the script
And I'll learn my lines.
A slight change of plans.
What do
you mean?
I think I need you
to audition for me again.
Again!? But I nailed it!
I got to thinking,
"what if you go on stage
And start stinking
up the place?"
How is that
going to make me look?
But I don't want
to audition again.
Have it your way
But tom brokaw
did let it slip
That he played conrad birdie
in high school.
All right!
Great. Let's take it
from the top of three.
Now, you've been out
jogging with some advisors.
You're at the drive-thru
at mcdonalds.
Mcdonalds?
Isn't that a little tired?
Just read it, frank.
Actors...
Scene "h," take three.
Man:
action.
(Bell rings)
Murphy brown!
I got your letter
of apology, kelly.
Now I'm sorry I filled
your c ar with herring.
Cut!
I missed my mark--
I knew that.
I was thinking so much
about punching the right word.
You know all the times
we've talked lately?
Just think of this
As just another one
of those conversations.
Great!
I'll try that.
The woman is a redwood.
And let's face it--
It's my life experiences
that have allowed me
To become the journalist
that I am today.
Gosh, all the places
I've been.
All the people I've met.
Why, the list is
practically endless.
I remember the time
my good friend elizabeth taylor
Dropped by the bullpen...
Oh, no, no, no.
Please, please.
Please, stop!
Oh, I see.
I've had all these fascinating
life experiences
And until you came to fyi
all you've done is hopped
From one low-rated crummy
tv show to the next.
Excuse me, but some
of those crummy tv shows
Were highly-rated...
Crummy tv shows.
And that's not all
I've done with my life.
For a brief time
during the ' s
I managed an extremely popular
rock band.
Oh, right.
Who was it?
Led zeppelin? The stones?
The grateful dead?
Yes, well, in that category.
Oh! That's it.
That's the
last time I eat
Before one
of their concerts.
Oh, my god!
Are they playing
"afternoon delight"?
Of course they're playing
"afternoon delight."
Why wouldn't they play
"afternoon delight"?
"Afternoon delight"
is their only song
that anyone knows.
When they finish playing
"afternoon delight"
They start playing
"afternoon delight"again!
Geez, lady,
that's the bicentennial spirit.
Like, have a nice day.
Ah, sit on it.
Wait a minute.
Starland vocal band?
Bicentennial concert?
At the beacon theater?
Yeah, why?
(Sighing)
Oh, god!
I can't take it anymore.
Hey, pal, give me
something sharp
But it has to be long enough
to puncture my ear drum.
Or give me one of those
pet rocks over there.
I can bash my blind date's
skull in with it.
"Bicentennial surprise."
I'll show him a
bicentennial surprise.
Oh, hey, listen.
You think you've
got it bad?
I'm their manager.
I have to listen
to that every day.
Oh, why couldn't
I have hooked up
with a good band?
A band that was
going somewhere.
A band like
the bay city rollers,
or peaches and herb.
Ugh! If only I could stop
that noise.
Oh, but it would take a miracle.
Or a natural disaster.
Or someone...
Knowing exactly where...
The little red switch is...
Behind the top panel...
To the left of the stage.
Not the big red switch.
The little switch
That says
"main power on-off."
Ah, but, damn.
They'd need
a backstage pass.
Hmm.
Like this one.
Oops.
I like the way you think.
That was you?
I can't believe it.
So how long were you
with that band?
Not much longer, really.
When they went back
into the studio
To record their follow-up
single, "late evening nookie"
I knew their creative juices
had run dry.
(Doorbell rings)
Hey, guys!
Sorry we're late.
Is everything okay?
Everything's fine, jim.
Kay and I were just
having a little chat.
It turns out we met before
At a bicentennial concert
at the beacon theater.
Did you say the beacon theater?
Yeah.
July , ?
That would be
the bicentennial, frank.
Huh.
♪♪ Gonna find my baby ♪♪
♪♪ Gonna hold her tight ♪♪
♪♪ Gonna grab some... ♪♪
Hey, there--
foxy ladies.
Who's up for a little
afternoon delight?
Get lost.
Get lost.
♪♪
♪♪ Skyrockets in flight
♪♪
♪♪ Afternoon delight...
Murphy:
why you ask, frank?
Hmm?
Oh... No reason.
♪♪ Skyrockets in flight ♪♪
♪♪ Afternoon delight ♪♪
♪♪ Gonna find my baby... ♪♪
♪♪ You got a smile so bright ♪♪
♪♪ You know you could have been
a candle ♪♪
♪♪ I'm holding you so tight ♪♪
♪♪ You know you could have been
a handle ♪♪
♪♪ The way you swept me
off my feet ♪♪
♪♪ You know you could have been
a broom ♪♪
♪♪ The way you smell so sweet ♪♪
♪♪ You know you could have been
some perfume ♪♪
♪♪ Well, you could have been
anything that you ♪♪
♪♪ Wanted to ♪♪
♪♪ And I can tell ♪♪
♪♪ The way you do the things
you do... ♪♪