05x14 - At Last - Schultz Knows Something

[bunniefuu]

Thank you, Fraulein.
Bitte, Herr General.

Herr Doctor Felzer
here is with research.

Project 49.

Oh, really.

Oh, I think research
is marvelous.

His authority comes
directly from the Fuhrer.

The Fuhrer? I'm all ears.

I thought you might be.

The matter I have to
discuss with you is top secret.

I'm afraid we cannot
talk about it here.

Dr. Felzer, I assure you
this is the safest place

in all of Germany.

Stalag 13's record

is well known in
Berlin, Kommandant.

Thank you, sir.

But any room can be wired.

Oh, I agree.

But you see, we
are an exception.

There are no hidden
microphones here.

This room is not wired.

Of course, Klink's
office is not wired.

Sure isn't wired!

Hold it, fellas,

I'd like to be able to hear.

You have been chosen for
an assignment that involves

the highest security
project in the Third Reich.

Are you sure you have
the right man, Doctor?

You asked me that
in Berlin, Herr General.

I know, and it
still mystifies me.

I suggest we take a ride
in General Burkhalter's car.

We can discuss the
matter in absolute privacy.

Excellent idea, Dr. Felzer. I
had the same thought myself.

Almost simultaneously.

Big secrets.

Something bloody
important, that's for sure.

LeBeau, I think you
should hitch a ride

with the General.

Hey, Shultz!

What are you doing
out of the barracks?

We need your help.

I have a bet that LeBeau

is small enough
to fit in the trunk

of a car, any
car, even this car.

And I say I'm too tall.

You want me to settle the bet?

Yeah, right.

It's against regulation to bet.

For a percentage?

Step this way, gentlemen.

Aha!

You lost. The Colonel won.

As usual.

Okay, thank you.

Okay, Schultz, I promised
you a percentage.

All right, LeBeau,
back to the barracks.

Oui, Colonel.

It's the easiest
money I ever made.

Yeah? Well, LeBeau
insisted on betting.

I wouldn't gamble
on a thing like that,

I'm much too smart.

That's right, Schultz.

Nobody puts
anything over on you.

Oh, you said it.

Atomic research?

Oui, mon Colonel.

In a specially built
secret laboratory.

Where?

Doctor Felzer didn't
give the location.

Why didn't you ask him?

Very funny. I was in
danger every minute.

What are they doing
fooling around with the atom?

They're trying to
make a b*mb, dummy.

Well, I don't want
to have anything

to do with it.

We got enough bombs already.

For future use. A rainy day.

And they want Klink to
be in charge of security?

Oui.

Felzer said it would be

his responsibility
to protect the secret.

How do you split an atom?

You can split almost anything.

But an atom?

Carter.

Klink was picked for the job

because of his
good record in Berlin.

That's our fault.

Burkhalter promised
Klink a promotion

if he does a good job.

That's great. That's great.

We make it possible for him
to get this job and a promotion.

We get a new commandant
and we're finished.

Hoisted on our own petard.

What does that mean?

Keep working on the atom, hmm?

Isn't there any way
to stop Klink, Colonel?

I don't know.

The first priority is
that research plant.

We don't even know where it is.

No, but Klink may by this time.

Yeah, but if it's top
secret, he wouldn't tell you.

I know I wouldn't.

Carter, it never hurts to ask.

You want me to
pack these records?

What are they?

Tommy Dorsey,

Sheffields and his
Rippling Rhythm,

Bob Crosby and the Bob
Cats and Lawrence Welk

and the champagne
music, a-one, a-two...

Left over from before the w*r,

all decadent American artists.

I used to like "Marie."

♪ Marie, my heart is
breaking, ba-ba-ba-boom... ♪

Your heart will be breaking
in very cold weather

if you don't stop that noise
and get on with the packing!

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Come in!

Hi, Commandant.

Hilda told me you
were here and...

Going on leave, sir?

No, Hogan. What do you want?

Well, I was wondering

if you'd be one of the judges

for our rumba
contest on the 31st.

You can discuss all that
with the new commandant.

Dismissed, Hogan.

New commandant, sir?

You're leaving our
winter wonderland?

Yes. I'm being transferred.

And I must say
I'm looking forward

to the challenge of
the new assignment.

The bald eagle takes
to the skies again.

Wheels up at dawn.

We, who are about
to die, salute you.

It's bad news for our
side, Commandant,

with you back up in the
wild, blue yonder again.

Boy, did he guess wrong.

Those of us who
are on the ground

also serve the Fatherland.

Should've realized you're
too valuable for combat.

You'll be a big hit on the
staff of the high command, sir.

Hogan! I told you that I...

You mean, I could
really handle staff work?

I think it's agreed that you're
kind of a m*llitary genius.

Then you will be on
the planning staff?

My assignment is top secret.

Why are you so interested?

Nothing, I just thought you
might like to hear from us,

a postcard, birthday
greeting, perhaps?

Oh, that's very thoughtful.

Schultz! Shut up!

Well, Christmas gift, perhaps.

Where do we write
to you, Commandant?

Oh, my new address will be

Luftwaffe Post
Office 409, Berlin.

Yeah. Well, thanks.

Oh, Hogan?

Nothing expensive for Christmas.

It's just the
thought that counts.

How much can it cost to
gift wrap a hand grenade?

Dismissed!

Strudel, strudel.
I'm going to miss it.

I'm going to miss it.

Well, maybe there will be
someone to make it for you

at your new post.

Where did you say it is?

I didn't.

Come on, you can tell me.

Well, I really don't know.

Tomorrow, Dr. Felzer
is going to take

the commandant and myself

on an inspection
tour of the new place.

Fine, I'll meet you
here tomorrow night.

Maybe I'll make
a chocolate eclair.

Chocolate eclair.

But I won't be able to tell you.

What?

Look, cockroach.

You have been here long
enough to know that I know nothing!

You must know something.

I know nothing! Nothing!

That's hard to believe, Shultz.

You always look so intelligent.

And you know nothing either!

That's enough! Raus! Raus! Raus!

Back to the barracks!

I got it. 13,247 kilometers.

Nice going.

And 6/10.

Kinch, you better get in
touch with the underground.

We're going to need somebody
who knows the countryside.

Bring him in through the
emergency tunnel tonight.

Right.

Newkirk? Sir?

Better stand by and check
the mileage when he gets back.

Right, sir.

Burkhalter's car traveled
approximately 12 miles out

and 12 miles back,
all within that radius.

Somewhere in there, the
Krauts have an atomic laboratory.

Any ideas, Carla?

Yeah, I've got a few.

We're looking for a
laboratory, Newkirk,

not a date for you.

This is farm country.
Many orchards in here.

The towns, Grubstein,
Marbenshlur, Eindorf,

Flenseim...

It doesn't figure
to be in a town.

Suggestion, sir.

Has there been any rumors

of local girls going to dances

or parties in that
12-mile radius?

Maybe Carla would know.

I don't think they'd have
dances at a laboratory.

He would.

He's always thinking about girls

and all that funny stuff.

It's disgusting.

It's a hobby.

Obviously.

Well, I had the same hobby

in civilian life.

Forget it.

There are many places
to hide a laboratory here.

Underground perhaps.

You know, they might
be disguising this place

as a factory or a w*r
plant of some kind.

No, no, no.

We know every w*r plant,
every factory in that area.

There are no new ones.

We've got to find it somehow.

It's ironic, isn't it?

I mean, here we stand
knocking our brains out,

and right across the compound

there are three Krauts
who have the answer.

Tried pumping Klink, no clues.

Couldn't get close enough
to Felzer to even work on him.

Well, that leaves Schultz.

He's the logical one,
but LeBeau couldn't

get anything out of him either.

I could try again, Colonel.

Only throwing good
strudel after bad.

If there was only some way
to get inside that skull of his.

Several weeks ago,
one of our agents

was captured by the Gestapo.

They questioned him.

Instead of their
usual filthy methods,

they injected him with a drug.

He told them everything
they wanted to know.

Truth serum. Sodium Pentathol.

Where would we get
sodium Pentathol?

Kinch, radio London.

Have them drop it in,

along with a hypodermic
and instructions.

Right, Colonel.

Kinch, you better tell them,
when they drop that stuff,

make sure there's a
doctor holding on to it.

Not necessary, Newkirk.

Gentlemen, I'd like you
to meet Dr. Schnitzler

of the Luftwaffe Medical Corps.

Nice to meet you, Herr
Doctor. How are you, doctor?

Charmed, I'm sure.

All right, let's go.

There he is.

Let's go.

Good luck, doctor.

Danke.

And if I'm not back
in five minutes, sir,

you better come after
me... With a real doctor.

Sergeant Schultz!

Major.

Major Schnitzler,

Luftwaffe Medical Corps.

Have orders to inoculate you

and, uh, Colonel Klink.

Something to do with a new post

you're going to.

Inoculation?

With a needle?

Of course.

Now, where can I do this?

Major, I am on guard duty.

I cannot leave my post.

Never mind that.

We can go in here.

It'll only take a minute.

You'll be back on
duty immediately.

But, Major, I cannot
stand needles.

Uh, whenever I see a needle,

I faint and fall down.

You fall down?

That would be a very interesting
phenomenon to observe.

Come!

Sergeant!

All right.

There, I told you
it wouldn't hurt.

You know, with all that blubber,

I thought I'd have to
use radar to find the vein.

Now, just relax.

I want you to start counting
backwards from 100.

Just want to be sure
the inoculation's working.

100...

99...

98...

98...

What comes after 98?

Sleep.

Hey, come and have a look.

You better tell the colonel.

Ready with the big fellow, sir.

You better stay out of
sight when we wake him up

just in case.

All right, LeBeau,
you ask the questions.

Your voice is familiar.

Me, Colonel?

You represent strudel to him.

Carter, take down
everything he says, huh?

Kinch, watch the door, please.

Yeah. Right. All
right, go ahead.

Schultz!

Achtung! Wake up!

Oh, oh, Major,

I think I should
not leave the post.

It's all over, Schultz.

The inoculation is finished.

All is in order.

Schultz, it's me, strudel.

Mmm, strudel.

When do you go to your new job?

Ah, it's you, cockroach.

Are you having
an inoculation, too?

Your new job... When
are they transferring you?

Ah, in a few days,

when the Commandant
will go to the laboratory.

LeBEAU: I'd like to
come and see you.

Where is the place?

How do I get there?

Oh, it's a big door,

and you go down steps
and through the big door,

and everybody wears white.

And aluminum.

Lots of aluminum.

Some research process
with aluminum, I guess.

What beautiful
equipment they have.

Fantastic range.

Tell me more about the range.

Fantastic!

Fantastic!

They're developing
g*ns or missiles.

They must really be advanced.

LeBEAU: Laboratory,
fantastic range.

Where?

In, uh...

in the kitchen.

Oh, they have the most
beautiful aluminum pots

and range you ever saw.

So...

A stove.

Bloody aluminum cooking pots.

Would that be an electric range

or a gas range?

Carter.

Maybe we should have
taken the sodium Pentothal.

Right back where we started.

All he's got on his
mind is the kitchen.

I got it all down, sir.

♪ Marie, my heart is ache... ♪

Oh, and what a
breakfast they served us.

The potatoes were a dream.

Schultz, you like
Flenseim potatoes?

They are the best
in all of Germany.

Nobody but nobody grows potatoes

like the people in Flenseim.

♪ Flenseim, my heart is aching ♪

♪ Flenseim, my
heart is breaking... ♪

Flenseim.

That is a town within
the 12-mile radius.

Potato country.

Those potatoes could
be shipped from Flenseim.

It's not much, but it's
the only lead we've got.

Do you know anybody there?

We have a few contacts.

I will go immediately

and return tomorrow
night, same place.

I'll be there waiting
for you, love.

I volunteer, Colonel.

Somehow I knew you would.

Uh, Colonel. ♪ Flenseim... ♪

What do we do with
Humpty-Dumpty?

Put his coat back
on, take him outside.

♪ Flenseim... ♪

And, uh,

call Major Bowes'
Amateur Hour, huh?

Aluminum pots.

I got it all down, sir.

Forget it.

The laboratory is
located here, in the woods,

a few miles away from town.

An underground installation
underneath a bombed-out factory.

There's a farm road.

It goes right past
the entrance there.

What about the guards?

The man who did
the reconnaissance

said the guards are hidden

right near the
front of the building.

Now that we got it located
on the map, Colonel,

how do we knock it off?

Well, ask London
for an air strike.

No good. It's underground.

We'll just have
to do it ourselves.

How are we going to get
in a bloody place like that?

Well, there's one thing
that might be useful.

The troops on guard
take whatever they want

from the countryside.

They give receipts to the
people for what they take.

That's how Schultz got
the Flenseim potatoes.

I can't see how
that can possibly...

Hold it, hold it.

Carla, you mean farm produce...

Vegetables, eggs,
things like that?

Exactly. They eat very well.

All right, look,
I'll give you a list

of things we need
for tomorrow night.

Carter, I'll need some dynamite

with some timers.

You got it, pal.

Uh, sir.

We'll also need a couple

of ugly-looking peasant types.

Got more than we need.

We must be almost there.

I don't see any guards.

Don't worry.

They will find us.

That must be it.

Halt! Halt!

Abend. Abend.

Abend.

Where are you taking this?

Hamilburg.

Luft Stalag 13.

They, uh...

They buy all our vegetables.

Uh, we had better
move on, Uncle Billy.

We are late.

Yes. You are
right. Just a minute.

We'll take this stuff.

It's impossible.

We sell to Luft Stalag 13.

I don't care about them.

We do. They pay cash.

You'll get paid.

Unload the baskets.

Come back tomorrow.

The quartermaster
will give you a voucher.

A voucher.

Yeah, you can cash it in

after the w*r.

It's out of the question.

We promised all of
this to Luft Stalag 13.

And we just broke our promise.

Keep the motor running.

Put it down there.

All right, raus.

Halt.

You, the small one.

Bring the stuff in here.

I think he means you.

Thanks.

Raus!

Raus!

Colonel, those timers only have

about six minutes left,

and then they're gonna go off.

And LeBeau goes with 'em.

We got to get
Louis out of there.

But if only we had a diversion.

I got a grenade.

Bless you, my boy.

It's wrapped around my waist.

All right, start undressing.

You-You know,
I've always figured

any time you might have one

of these
emergencies, it's not...

Carter...

Look at it.

Is that a beauty?

All right, now when
I give you the word,

drop it in the ventilator.

Now? Now wait a minute.

We eat well tonight.

All right, drop it in,
then run for the wagon.

I'll get LeBeau out of there.

Hold it.

You allowed this man
to enter the building?

Jawohl, Herr Lieutenant.

You know that's
against all regulations.

You are in trouble.

Report to the sergeant at once.

Now you, get out
of here at once!

Schnell!

Whoa. Whoa, boy. Whoa.

That's what I call hot potatoes.

You ugly peasants
did a great job.

Thank you, Uncle Billy.

Yeah, thank you.

Who's Uncle Billy?

It's a long story, Carter.

You see, once upon a time,

there was this POW
camp in Germany.

You taking this down?

Well...

Good-bye. So long,
Carla. Good luck.

It was nice having you.

Watch it. Klink.

Duck her.

Under there. Quick.

Surprise inspection, Commandant?

No, Hogan. I just dropped by to
give you some very good news.

You're going to surrender.

General Burkhalter canceled
my transfer to the new post.

Hey, let's hear it
for the commandant.

Oh, that's marvelous,
Herr Kommandant,

Brilliant. Good.

That is good news, sir.

What made him change his mind?

He didn't change his mind.

The post changed.

It's not there anymore.

Not there anymore?

The story I get is that
some farmers sabotaged it.

Blew it up.

Oh, that's terrible.

Boy, it's all gone...

The things people do.

That is terrible.

Hmm. Some people
are so impulsive.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, by the way, Hogan,

now that I'm staying,

I will be able to judge
that rumba contest

for you on the 31st.

Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, boy, that was close.

Wow. Oh.

I'm telling you, boy.

Oh, what do we do now, Colonel?

Organize a rumba contest.

We'll be back in
time for the finals.

Oh, I hope so, Colonel.