05x17 - Fat Hermann, Go Home

[bunniefuu]

According to what
we got by shortwave...

And check me on this
as I go, huh, Kinch?

Right, Colonel.

The train started out
from here three days ago.

And this is Carinhall,

the estate of Reichsmarschall
Hermann Göring,

head of the Luftwaffe,

second in command to h*tler,

owner of the greatest
art collection...

Public or private... in
the history of the world.

Let's here it for Fat Hermann.

Now, when things
were going good,

the Nazis brought
the art collection

to Carinhall by the trainload.

Now, they're taking
it out by the trainload.

Where to, Colonel?

We don't know, but
undoubtedly to hide it.

Well, the train was headed

in the direction of these
mountains down here.

If they maintain this direction,

another day should find
them passing very close to...

Stalag 13.

Right.

Well, it's simple, Colonel.

A couple of my
specials on that track

and then, bam, a gentle
rain of Rembrandts

all over the countryside.

Carter...

I'm just throwing it
out for discussion.

Shh, Schultz's coming.

Colonel Hogan, Colonel Hogan,

you will never believe me

what wonderful honor
has been paid to me

by what terribly
important person...

Never, never.

I give up, Schultz. What?

I can't tell you. Good.

Always nice talking
to you, Schultz.

Now, if you'll just come
back anytime next month,

we'll start in right
where we left off.

It begins with "Hermann."

Is that the honor or the person?

The honor has been paid to me

to conduct an august person

from Hammelburg to Stalag 13.

And nobody deserves
it more, Schultz.

Now, it's always
nice talking to you.

Chief Forester
of the Third Reich,

Director of the State
Theater and Opera,

Hunting Master of Germany,

victorious commander of
the glorious Luftwaffe and...

Göring?

My lips are sealed.

Göring... coming here?

Why would he be coming here?

Well, it is a Luftwaffe
prison camp, Colonel.

Yeah, small potatoes.

I don't get it.

Well, maybe
Hermann's cracking up.

Schultz, you sure he
asked for you personally?

Me personally, Sergeant Schultz,

special and sole guard of honor!

He's cracking up.

WOMAN: Come in.

Sergeant Schultz reporting
Herr Reichsmarschall!

How darling of you, Schultz.

Herr Reichs... marschall.

Ah, he is sleeping.

Oh...

Oh, I beg the
Reichsmarschall's pardon.

Oh, please, will you convey
to the Reichsmarschall...

When he wakes up, of course...

That I had no intention...

Talk normally!

You would not awaken
Hermann with a club.

Drink, Schultz?

I'm on duty.

So?

So, I have a small one.

You're surprised to
see me here, Schultz?

I would most definitely
say... yes and no.

And how is my dear
Commandant Klink?

And my small one, LeBeau?

And... Colonel Hogan.

All are in excellent health...

Fräulein... uh, Frau?

Marya!

Frau Göring we left at home.

She's not much fun on a trip.

Just like my wife.

Sit down, Schultz.

To the w*r!

May the better side win.

My point of view exactly.

You and Hermann, you
have much in common.

I always consider

that on the question of strategy

in the air w*r,

Reichsmarschall
Göring and myself...

You're both fat.

Excellent observation.

His uniform will
fit you perfectly.

His uniform?

Or at least as
well as it fits him.

While I'm not very good
in declining honors...

I haven't got too
much practice in it...

I feel that in this case...

Sit down, Schultz.

Why not?

Schultz, Hermann,
in his position,

has had to step on certain
toes, you understand.

Go on anyway.

And he was
paranoid to start with.

Therefore, when he
makes a public entrance,

he prefers a double
to do it for him.

Very good thinking.

Therefore, when he enters
Stalag 13, it will be you.

Hermann will follow quietly.

I will be him?

Exactly.

I will be
Reichsmarschall Göring?!

You will never regret it...

unless someone sh**t you.

Attention!

Reichsmarschall Göring
has just entered the area.

I want to see every man
standing like a statue.

Attention!

Attention!

Welcome to...

You will forgive
us, Klink, darling.

Hermann wants to take
me to your quarters at once.

Who knows why?

Driver!

Hogan, I don't understand it.

I thought he was coming
to inspect the camp.

He might get around to it.

And that woman, the Russian,

every time she shows
up there's trouble.

Why don't you have a
man-to-man talk with him, sir?

With the Reichsmarschall?

Are you out of your mind, Hogan?

I don't know... I
think I might be.

The train's headed this way,

then Göring shows
up, with Marya.

Why?

It could be they plan
to hide all the stuff here.

Could be.

What's Marya's part in it?

Above reproach.

Or below.

One of the two.

Okay, I don't like it,

but we've got a train to catch,

so we'll have to grab Göring.

We're going to kidnap Göring?

Anybody got a better way?

Come in, Hogan, darling.

All right, where is he?

In there, asleep.

Check it.

He's a good sleeper, too.

Oh-ho... you're so handsome

in your little mask.

And you are so beautiful.

All right, all right, hold it.

Talk to me as he
does, Hogan, darling.

I would melt.

Later.

We've come for your boyfriend,

which you apparently expected.

Would you remove your
mask, Hogan, darling?

It has been so long.

You don't seem to understand.

We're not here for small talk.

We came to kidnap
h*tler's second in command.

Take off your mask
or I shall scream!

Mmm...

And my small one.

But of course.

Me, too?

Put it back.

Uh, sure.

All right, watch the door.

Mmm...

together again...

in love again.

Perfect.

Not exactly.

Oh...

Try to get a grip on reality.

We're here to take Göring,

and when the Nazis
find out we've got him,

the whole roof is
going to cave in,

which puts all of
us... You included...

In the worst spot in our lives.

All of this just for a
trainload of secondhand art?

You know about the train?

Figures.

It is really a terrible
plan, Hogan, darling.

Suppose you force Hermann
to bring the train here.

How do you get
it out of Germany?

We're working on that.

And what happens
to the operation

here at Stalag 13?

You will kidnap a
Reichsmarschall

and go on with
business as usual?

I doubt it very much.

Really, Hogan, darling, you've
been too long without a woman.

Your brain has softened.

Hermann!

Come out, Hermann.

We have company.

Did someone call?

Schultz?

Ja, it's... it's Schultz!

Tell them it's Schultz!

Who are you?

All right, what's the game?

Where's Göring?

Who knows?

I never met him.

You see, she is innocent.

All right, knock it off.

Uh, Colonel Hogan,
please, may I point out

that prisoners of w*r
are not supposed to be

out of their barracks
after sunset?

No, you may not point it out.

Just a thought.

All right, all right,
what's going on here?

Hogan, darling,
might it not be easier

to get the train with a fake
Göring than the real one?

Hmm?

Yeah...

I hear nothing.

I see nothing.

Nothing!

Nothing!

Would you believe it that
Sergeant Schultz has chosen

this particular time
to go over the hill?

Schultz AWOL... shocking, sir.

Well, you may call it
"absent without leave,"

I call it "desertion
under fire."

And, uh... that woman.

There I'm with you.

He's got a perfectly nice wife.

Mm-hmm.

Fine house,
great art collection.

Why does he get
mixed up with her?

Personally, I think
that that woman is...

Ah! Good morning.

Good morning, how
wonderful to see you.

You entertain prisoners

in your private office, Klink?

Oh, uh, Colonel Hogan
was just leaving...

Uh, routine business.

Dismissed, Hogan.

Of course, sir.

What is that, Klink?

A white glove?

Schmutz.

It is rather dirty at that.

But, you can assure
Reichsmarschall Göring

when he comes here
on his inspection trip

that there will not be

as much as a speck of dust...

And get off my desk, Hogan.

Oh.

The Reichsmarschall
is not here to inspect...

Lucky for you, Klink.

Lucky for me, yes.

However, might I inquire
what his mission is?

Of course, if it's personal,
I wouldn't possibly...

Are we to share
the deepest secrets

of the Third Reich
with a prisoner?

Of course not.

Hogan, out! Now!

Let him stay.

He will be part
of the work detail.

Work detail?

To bring in the
paintings and statuary.

What did I ever
see in you, Hogan?

You never told me.

Um, excuse me.

Uh... paintings?

Statuary?

And rugs.

Lots of rugs.

I don't understand.

Should I understand?

There will be a train, Klink,

reaching the station near here

very soon.

Blech.

You will send out orders

in the name of
Reichsmarschall Göring

that the contents
of the train are

to be brought here for storage.

They are priceless.

Certainly not your
eyes, they are ordinary.

I cannot remember.

You'll think of it.

But priceless art objects?

A whole train, to
be brought here?

Give them better
care than your desk,

huh, Klink?

Come on, Hogan.

Must have been something.

We will talk about it.

Oh, Hogan?

How am I to hide
a whole trainload?

How?

Well, I could use a new rug

for my office,
sir... say, 4 x 5.

16th-century Persian
would be nice.

Quickly now, quickly.

And carefully,
most carefully, huh?

Colonel Klink?

Hogan, I'm busy. Later.

This is a formal protest, sir.

The Geneva Convention
states explicitly

a prisoner-of-w*r
camp is not to be used

for any other purpose.

Colonel Hogan, given a choice

between obeying the
Geneva Convention

and obeying
Reichsmarschall Göring,

I know what to do.

It's your decision, sir.

I just hope you don't
get hurt too badly

in the power struggle.

W-What power struggle?

Göring/h*tler.

It could pay off like
a jackpot for you...

If your side wins.

Ah, I'm taking no sides.

I am completely loyal.

To everyone.

Of course you are.

And good luck to you, sir.

Hogan...

All right, Kinch, cover us, huh?

Open it up and let's get going.

All right, now, just
the paintings, huh?

And when you get down below,

get it out of the
frames, huh? Too bulky.

Kinch, confirm with London

about the planes
for tonight, huh?

Right after dark,
right, Colonel.

All right. Carter, that's
when you stage your att*ck.

You want me to make that sound

like a battalion or a regiment?

Battalion's fine.

Newkirk and
LeBeau, help him out.

Right.

No problem, sir.

No problem at all.

Just wait awhile.

Klink, you are a traitor!

I assure you, Major Hochstetter,

I have done nothing... nothing.

A train robbery of art
objects worth untold millions?

That is nothing in your life?

Major Hochstetter, I
explained that to you.

I was given orders by
Reichsmarschall Göring himself.

You will not lie to me!

Of course not,
Major Hochstetter.

To anyone else, yes.

But to the Gestapo, no.

Never.

That is much better, Klink.

After all, we are both
on the same side, no?

We should be friends, huh?

Why not?

Of course, Major Hochstetter.

Some of my best friends...

I mean, some of my
dearest friends are Gestapo.

Who?

Who.

Well, there's, uh...

And then there's, uh...

Oh, what does
that matter, Klink?

You lied again, huh?

You caught me again.

But never in the big things.

Silence!

Why did you rob that train?

I told you, Major Hochstetter,

Reichsmarschall
Göring told me to.

Face-to-face?

Not exactly.

It was relayed to me
by the Russian woman.

Klink, has it somehow
escaped your vigilance

that we are fighting
the Russians?

Major Hochstetter,
nothing escapes me.

Nothing.

I believe she was
a White Russian.

Ooh, a White Russian.

So that when a White
Russian tells you

to hold up a train,
you do it, huh?

Not always.

Klink!

You will stop this childish
storytelling and now.

Any time you say,
Major Hochstetter.

Any time.

Why'd he have to show up?

What now, Colonel?

Well, in about two minutes

they're going to be on their way

to inspect
Reichsmarschall Göring.

Schultz?

I don't think he's going
to pass inspection.

What happens to Marya?

Never mind that.
What happens to us?

Nothing good
unless we move fast.

Carter, get outside,
start the att*ck.

Yes, sir.

Kinch, stay in radio
contact with the planes.

If they don't get
a landing signal,

tell them to get
out of here and fast.

LeBeau and Newkirk,
go with Carter.

What about you, sir?

I'm on my way
to Klink's quarters

and don't ask me why
because I don't know.

No, no, no, no!

Have I ever steered
you wrong, Schultz?

Look at you.

Have you ever lived
so well in all your life?

Never!

But I'd rather be
a live sergeant

than a dead Reichsmarschall.

How'd you like to
be a dead sergeant?

What do...

What do you mean by that?

You're going to tell
Hochstetter the whole truth.

Completely.

That you're only
filling in for Hermann

till Hermann gets here.

By direct orders of
Reichsmarschall Göring himself.

Where did you get that idea?

From you, yesterday.

It's true.

Look, Schultz, if
you can't convince us,

what chance have you
got with the Gestapo?

Look, Colonel Hogan,
I have done nothing.

I ate a little bit,

I drank a little bit champagne.

I have done nothing.

Schultz, we're only
trying to help you.

We don't care what you've done.

Thank you, Colonel Hogan...

How are you going to help me?

Just be Fat Hermann
for five minutes longer.

What's that?

Nothing... nothing at all.

And if I refuse?

Then I'm afraid you're
stuck with a very weak story

and I'd have to advise
you to plead guilty.

Colonel Hogan...

Now go in there,
Schultz... I mean Hermann...

And put on a lot
of shaving cream.

You're going to need it.

Oh, Colonel Hogan...

Oh, boy.

But Hogan darling,
things are going beautifully.

What do you consider bad?

You're too modest.

Your ideas are always marvelous.

My idea?

This whole miserable scheme
was yours from the beginning.

True.

Which is why it is so
generous of me to insist

on only one planeload.

One planeload of what?

Of paintings to go to Russia.

How am I going to do that?

They already have their orders.

You will talk to
London, Hogan darling,

and you do need my cooperation.

Why you...

Say it, Hogan darling, say it.

Ah.

Commandant Klink
and Major Hochstetter.

Did Hermann send for you?

A thousand pardons
for the intrusion.

I just wanted to make sure

that you had
everything you needed.

That is not the reason, Klink.

What is this man doing here?

Hogan?

Oh, I assure you,
Major Hochstetter that...

Hogan, what are you doing here?

Pouring champagne.

He's pouring champagne,
Major Hochstetter.

What is he doing here?!

This camp is commanded
by Russians and prisoners.

You do get right to the
heart of things, Major.

I will get to more than that...

You are all under arrest

for high treason
and train robbery.

Major Hochstetter, I assure you

this can all be cleared up

with just one word from
Reichsmarschall Göring.

Ah! Reichsmarschall
Göring is not here.

He never was here,

and tomorrow,
neither will you be.

Take them away!

Hogan!

Frau whatever-your-name-is,

do something.

Hermann, darling, are you free?

I order champagne,

it takes five waiters
to bring one bottle.

Out!

Of course, Herr Reichsmarschall.

Anything you say,
Herr Reichsmarschall.

Who is this waiter?

Colonel Klink, your excellency,
welcoming you to Stalag 13.

A pigpen!

Out!

Pigpen.

Marvelous description,
Herr Reichsmarschall.

You coming, Hochstetter?

One minute.

You understand the Gestapo
keeps track of everyone.

Just an hour ago

we had a Reichsmarschall
Göring at Carinhall,

now we have one here.

There is perhaps some
simple explanation, huh?

I doubt it very much.

Aha!

By which Hermann means

he has not the time
to give explanations.

Does he have time, Hogan?

One can but hope.

What is this man doing here?!

Arrest everybody!

What is that?

It sounds like g*nf*re.

It's an att*ck.

Call out the guards!

Call out the guards!

The plane takes
off in two minutes.

Hurry, keep it moving.

Sounds like partisans, Major.

Here to collect
some artwork, maybe.

We will wipe them out.

Come, Klink.

Uh, Major Hochstetter, I
think I'd better stay here

and protect the Reichsmarschall.

Come!

Raus.

To the victory, Hogan
darling, of the partisans.

Colonel Hogan,
what is happening?

It's hard to predict
these things, Schultz.

They may break
into camp far enough

to get away with
some of the paintings.

Oh, no, not that.

And with all this going on,

Göring isn't likely
to pay us a visit.

Who would?

Which releases
you for active duty,

so you can change
uniforms and join the fighting.

Gladly.

Right after I shave.

Ah...

Why do you constantly
fight me, Hogan darling,

when the result is
always so perfect?

Why?

Self-preservation.

No! No! No!

Berlin must have
better answers than this

or heads will roll.

Art masterpieces
worth millions missing.

Was Göring here
or was he not, huh?

A night att*ck in which
we suffer six wounded

because they
sh**t at each other.

Major Hochstetter,
may I point out to you

that my record
is still quite clear.

In spite of the att*ck,

not one, single
prisoner is missing.

What do I care?

Let them all escape.

Where are the paintings?

If I may, Major...

Uh, it seems to me
they're gone for good.

Best organized
att*ck I've ever seen.

Berlin should be pretty happy

with you saving
the rest of that stuff.

It took courage, sir.

Did I ask for your
opinion, Hogan?

No, sir, but I think
you're making a mistake

in not blowing your own horn.

So? And what shall I
report about Göring, huh?

Was he or was he not?

I think you're right

in staying away from
that whole area, sir.

How can I stay away from it?

Why should I?

It's touchy.

Commandant Klink has a feeling

that Göring may have
been here to organize

a base against the Führer.

I do?

You know these
high-level power struggles.

They're tricky

unless you're really
sure of your ground.

Hogan, are you suggesting
that nothing should be done

about any of these
outrageous events?

Mind like a steel trap, sir.

Or in other words,

all is well that ends well.

Major Hochstetter, may I say

it was a great pleasure
working with you.

And you will give
my personal regards

to Reichsführer Himmler?

Raus!

And I'm giving you 30
days solitary confinement

for being absent without leave.

How could this happen to me?

We'll make it up
to you, Schultz.

How about a painting?

Oh, please.