05x26 - Klink's Escape

[bunniefuu]

Come on.

Come on, come on.

Keep moving, mates.

Let's get inside before
the prices change.

There they are, Colonel.

The four escapists
from Stalag 12.

Good. Hi, fellas.
Welcome to Stalag 13.

If you'd just get in line there,
we got passports for you.

We got civilian clothes,
local maps, local money,

and, uh, some food parcels.

Uh, I got some
very nice in a brown.

Perfect for traveling.

Hey, look at the
lining... Finest quality.

Used to be curtains in
the guard's dining hall.

An escape center
here in a prison camp?

Well, we wanted to stay
in a low-rent neighborhood.

All right, keep the
line moving, fellows.

A homburg, Kinch?

Come on, with his coloring?

More of the, uh, Tyrolean.

How long has this been going on?

Well, counting you four,
we've had 519 customers.

13 in just the past week.

But the guards...

The Germans could
walk right in here.

Not likely.

Our commandant has
far more important things

on his mind.

The beginning of a long

and beautiful friendship.

Oh! No, I really shouldn't.

This is my fourth.

Your fourth?

Ah!

The searchlights.

Seeking, probing.

But then, aren't we all
searching for something?

Warmth, affection.

A soft shoulder.

Oh, yes, a colonel
is like any other man.

The same hopes, the
same dreams, desires.

Except a colonel is more lonely.

But not tonight, my dear.

Klink!

Oh!

General Burkhalter,
what a pleasant surprise.

Surprise, yes.

Pleasant, no.

Uh, General, uh, this
is Fraulein Friederich.

Uh, she's here on business.

Official business.

A most valuable
intelligence contact.

She brought, uh, some
papers for me to sign.

And I see you
got some of the ink

on your face.

Are you aware that
four men escaped

from Stalag 12 tonight?

And last week, there
were nine from Stalag 20,

and three from Stalag 9.

A disgrace.

But none from Stalag 13.

My record is perfect.

You will find me
eternally vigilant...

Where I find you
is on the sofa, Klink.

This camp could be next.

I want the guards doubled

and an immediate
top-to-bottom inspection

of every building now!

Now?

Now!

This might be very revealing.

This is a serious
situation, Klink.

These escapes are
far too well organized.

There must be an underground

clearing station somewhere

helping these prisoners.

An underground clearing station?

Without a question.

We are going to find it.

Oh, Klink, uh...

Yes, sir.

You go ahead with
your inspection.

I left my gloves over there.

Sir, your gloves
are right on your...

Yes, you left your
gloves over there.

Yes...

You're a very
attractive young lady.

It would seem to me

you could do much
better than a colonel.

Is there better?

There are generals.

I have this little
hideaway chalet

not very far from here.

It's very comfortable.

Full of meat and butter.

Think about it, my dear.

Be sure to send us a
card from London, huh?

And do tell 'em to get on
with the w*r, won't you?

You bet. Good luck.

Bonne chance.

Colonel Hogan?

Krauts coming!

All right, let's go.

Here we go.

Roll call, Schultz.

Head count at this hour, sir?

Ha. A complete waste of time.

Just because
prisoners can escape

from other camps doesn't mean

they can escape from here.

Absolutely impossible.

Those were my words exactly.

All present and accounted for.

Naturally, Schultz.

Now, one thing
you can be sure of.

When the general finally locates

the underground escape station,

none of my
prisoners will be there.

Escape station, sir?

If the general

really wanted to
locate such a place,

he could give me the job.

A trained mind like mine.

I could find it just like that.

Bet you could.

Schultz.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Ooh, that was close.

I don't like this one bit.

That general sniffing around.

All this extra activity.

Things are getting a bit chancy.

That can't be helped.

Try to get some rest.

There will probably be
another American bomber att*ck

on the Wissen tunnel tonight,

so the woods will be full
of knocked down pilots.

We'll pick up as many as we can.

Why doesn't London forget

about that, Colonel?

Those planes can't
get to the tunnel

with all that flak.

It would be nice if
there were some way

we could cut down
all this extra work.

Well, there is.

We could blow up
the tunnel ourselves.

Hey, I'm for that. Sure
make life a lot easier.

Right.

Uh, it's risky,

but if you're all for it,
we could give it a try.

Yeah, you can guess again.

All those extra gunners

that old Klink put on...

Well, they just
started patrolling

outside the fence,
right by our exit.

Yeah, he's right.

We're bottled up.

Maybe not.

You know a way to get out?

I haven't, but perhaps
our commandant does.

Klink's going to help us?

Why not?

Klink is dying

to uncover our
underground escape center,

make points with Burkhalter.

So we plant in his
mind to let us escape.

He follows us, uncovers
the whole setup.

Lights out.

Everybody, lights out.

Ordered by the Kommandant.

Oh, come on...

Do me a favor.

All right, all right, Schultz.

Anyway, that's exactly
how it happened.

Exactly how what happened?

Uh, I was just
explaining to the fellows

how these German
POWs tried to escape

from an American prison camp

using one of those
underground rendezvous

like Klink mentioned.

But the Americans
solved the whole thing.

It was brilliant.

Hey, anybody see my toothbrush?

How-how-how...
how did they do it?

How did who do what?

The Americans.

Oh, that. Oh, it
was quite simple.

They set up this phony
escape for the prisoners

so that they could follow them
to the underground rendezvous.

You sure nobody
found my toothbrush?

Did it work?

Oh, sure. Did you ever see
a toothbrush that didn't work?

Herr Kommandant,

Sergeant Schultz reporting.

All lights out

and extra sentries posted.

Very good, Schultz.

Dismissed.

Herr Kommandant,
you think it is true

the story about

how they found
the escape center?

Schultz, out.

You know where the
Kommandant forced

the prisoners to escape?

Schultz, dismissed.

Out!

And then he followed them

and knew exactly

where they were going.

Schultz, get out
and never set foot

in this room again.

Schultz!

I'm going. I'm going.

Get back in here.

Schultz, I have just come up

with a brilliant idea

on how to find
the escape center.

Here they come.

He must have taken the hook.

Now remember, we
need a couple of days

to gather enough
expl*sives, so play hard to get.

Herr Kommandant, you are
going to force the men to escape?

It won't be easy.

You see, they've
become so accustomed

to my efficient security,

they've forgotten the meaning

of the word escape,

so, first, we must
restore their desire

to escape.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Look what came
from the Red Cross.

American magazines.

Schultz!

Conditions are
very nice at home.

Apple pie.

Mm-hmm.

Baseball.

Pretty girls.

What's a girl?

Ah! These are glorious
days back there,

especially for men in uniform
just returning from overseas.

Everything their heart desires.

We certainly want to thank you

for these magazines, sir.

Oh, please, please,
it was nothing...

Oh, but it is.

And in return, we want
to renew our pledge

to never embarrass
you by even thinking

of trying to escape.

But-but-but you're
not embarrassing me.

I understand these things.

It's a soldier's duty to escape.

Prisoners do it all the time.

Why, uh, only last week, uh,

nine men from Stalag 20, hmm?

Ah, but Stalag 20 doesn't
have a Colonel Klink.

Yes, he's right.

You're the best,
Herr Kommandant.

Of course. The best there is.

Please. Please, please, please.

Take a rest period.

Look at the magazines.

Mm-hmm.

Look at the pinup girls. Mmm.

And tomorrow,

I have a very special
work detail cut out for you.

Picking up papers
outside the fence.

Outside, sir? We're supposed
to stay inside the fence.

Silence. I'm in charge

of keeping the men
inside this camp,

and when I say, you go outside,

you go outside.

Now, Schultz, be alert.

Since we are shorthanded,
you are the only guard.

Now, I must go
back to my office.

Oh, my!

I lost my r*fle!

I must find it, or else
everybody will escape!

You mean it, Schultz? No r*fle?

Oh.

Here it is.

Well, Schultz.

Oh, please, don't sh**t!

Don't sh**t!

I can do nothing!

Schultz, you got
to be more careful

what you do with your things.

Don't worry, we
won't tell Klink.

Hey, fellows, let's
go back to camp.

Now make the hole big enough.

I want to put
another gate there.

All right, all right.

That's enough for now.

Leave it like that.

You can finish it tomorrow.

Schultz, that searchlight
there with the broken wire...

I want you to have it fixed
first thing tomorrow morning.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Uh, Colonel,

if it's a broken wire,
Newkirk can fix it.

He's very handy
with electricity.

Have it done before dark.

No trouble at all, sir.

Request denied.

We have enough to
blow up the whole tunnel.

We can go tonight.

Klink'll be happy to hear that.

He was just about
ready to give up.

I've worked up this
little presentation

to break the news to him.

All right. Hmm.

Hmm?

Thank you.

Shall we?

Yeah.

Oh, I've been thinking.

That hole in the fence...

Maybe we could escape.

Escape from here?

Carter's right. It's a
perfect opportunity

with that searchlight
not working.

What do you think, Colonel?

Well...

Just think, back to baseball,

clean sheets and apple...

pie.

What do you say, Colonel?

Well...

Why don't we vote on it?

Here are some pieces of paper.

Everyone write either
"escape" or "stay"

and put your vote
in the envelope.

They're voting on
it. Please, an escape.

Here. I have all the ballots.

This is it.

Would you hand me
the envelope, please?

Well, what is it?

The winner is... escape.

Ah! Escape! Did you hear that?

Escape! My prisoners
are going to escape.

They're escaping tonight.

I've got 'em. I've got 'em.

You're all set, Colonel.

Yeah, expl*sives,
timers, the works.

Fine, fine, fine.

What do we do now?

Nothing.

But if we're busting
out of here tonight,

we need a plan.

We still haven't figured out

how to get past the
guards, you know.

Yeah. That tunnel's
20 miles away.

We're going to need a car.

Fellas, you seem
to be forgetting

this isn't our escape.

It's Klink's escape.

You expect him to do everything?

Absolutely. He's
doing quite nicely so far.

I'm sure he'll come
up with something.

Ah, gentlemen.

Where is LeBeau?

Ah, LeBeau, you're very good

with needle and thread, right?

Well, it depends...

We need some insignias sewn

on these German uniforms.

Fix them right away.

There are... five of them.

Five of them.

Yeah, and the rest of you...

There's work to be
done at the motor pool.

I'll see you there.

Auf Wiedersehen.

I told you the commandant's
little mind was working.

That's how he's arranged
for us to get past the guards.

We're still going to need a car.

Fellas... I know. "Leave
everything to Klink."

Mm-hmm.

And, uh, how is my
car running, huh?

Perfect condition, sir, perfect.

Good, good. That'll
be all for tonight.

Oh, uh, Schultz, the guards
have been sleeping in my car.

I want you to take it outside

and park it on the road tonight

and fill it with petrol.

I may want to use it

in the morning.

A radio transmitter.

We will follow its signal
with a truckload full of men,

and they will lead us directly

to the underground
escape center.

Oh, Herr Kommandant,
you think of everything.

Naturally.

Schultz, the truck is all ready,

the men, the radio
direction finder?

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Good, good, good.
The trap is all set.

Very accommodating.

The colonel even
remembered I take a 40 regular.

The searchlight by the
back fence is still blacked out.

Yeah, with his car
waiting, full of gas.

The colonel certainly
knows his escapes.

We should've used him before.

Just one more thing, Colonel.

Mm-hmm. With the
general cracking down,

there's bound to be roadblocks
between here and that tunnel.

How do we get past them?

Yeah. We're going to
need a pass or something.

Yeah, looks like the
colonel goofed on that.

Well, it's his first escape.
He can't think of everything.

So we're dead.

No, no, no. We'll get a pass.

Better still, a hostage.

Where are we going
to get a hostage?

We'll call for room service.

Well, I'm sorry, fellas,

but it looks like we can't
go through with the escape.

Why not?

Yes, yes, why not?

General Burkhalter

has set up roadblocks
everywhere.

We'd never be
able to get through

to the secret escape center.

That Burkhalter...
He's ruined everything.

We could take the back roads.

Yes, you could
take the back roads.

Well, the general's probably
got those blocked, too.

He probably has.

There is one thing that
might get us through.

What's that?

Well...

Well, what? Speak up.

If we had a hostage,
we could get through.

We could grab Schultz.

Schultz, you will
be the hostage.

Schultz wouldn't do it.

It'd have to be an officer,

a high-ranking officer

like Colonel Klink himself.

Me? Impossible.

Impossible.

Yeah, we'd never
capture the colonel.

Ah, you're right.

Well, we'll just have to
call off the whole escape.

No, no, no, no,
wait. I'll be right over.

Is there some trouble, Colonel?

Not really, my dear.

Now, you stay right here.

Schultz, you will be
in charge of the truck.

I will be with the
prisoners as their hostage

in command of the entire escape.

Here he comes.

Very good service,
and they even deliver.

All right, now, remember,
look guilty when he catches us.

Right, sir.

Colonel Klink!

Good evening, gentlemen.

Uh, these uniforms,
sir, uh... uh...

We just couldn't
resist trying them on.

They're so very nice.

Yes. It's so cold out,
and these are so warm.

It was easier for
me to sew on them.

No matter, no matter.

I must say, they
do fit very well.

Well, thank you, sir, thank you.

If I didn't know you,
I would even think

that you were German
soldiers myself.

Uh-huh.

Very convincing.

Yes, uh, we Germans do have
very smart uniforms, don't we?

If we didn't have
to wear side arms...

You see, they ruin
the whole effect.

There... without a g*n.

Much better, isn't it?

Oh, what's this?

The back searchlight

has not been repaired yet, huh?

Colonel Klink.

What's this?

You're our hostage.
We're escaping.

What should I do with this?

Put it in the general's car.

Marvelous.

Just as we guessed. A roadblock.

Hogan, you'll never
get away with this.

Maybe we won't. Maybe
we ought to go back.

Then again... maybe
you will get away with it.

We'll have a g*n pointed
right at you, Commandant.

You'd better get us through.

Sorry, sir.

No cars allowed to pass

without orders from
General Burkhalter.

I am Colonel Klink,
commandant of Stalag 13.

I'm on a special
assignment for the general.

He gave us no orders.

This is a secret
intelligence mission.

Now, we have no time,

and I accept
full responsibility.

You open up that roadblock
and open it up now.

Jawohl.

Now you're being sensible.

What else can I do?
You have the g*n.

We'll be at the rendezvous soon.

We're going to
have to blindfold you.

I understand.

Come, my dear.

We will pay a little
visit to my chalet.

Just you and I... and
the night and the music.

Radio signal. It's moving.

Good. Follow them,

follow them, but not too close.

Why have we stopped?

We have to check maps.

Um, rendezvous spot
is kind of hard to find.

Well, what are we waiting for?

Well, uh, let me see...

All set.

We went a little
past the turnoff.

Yes, a general is
like any other man:

the same hopes,
dreams, desires...

except a general is more lonely,

but not tonight, my dear.

Don't move! Halt! Heraus!

Attention, attention,
before I sh**t you!

Hands up, or we...

uh, we... sh**t.

Good evening... General.

Uh, we are here?

Yeah, yeah, we're
here, all right.

Let's just hope I've
done the right thing.

Hey, sir, here comes
Schultz with a truck...

truckload of soldiers.

Get your hands up.
Get your hands up.

Hey, don't sh**t. It's just us.

It's us, Schultz.
Come on, don't sh**t.

Hey, Schultz, don't
sh**t. It's your old mates.

Schultz, here,

destroy everything, everything!

Destroy everything?
Our own camp?

Exactly.

Our own camp?

We just couldn't go
through with the escape, sir.

You've been so good to us,

we just couldn't,
so we came back.

What was that?

It's the w*r, but
don't worry, sir.

From the sound of it, I'd
say it was 20 miles away.

Klink!

Ah, General Burkhalter,

what a pleasure to see you.

Just what is going
on here, Colonel?

First, your men
break into my chalet,

then I come here and I find

your searchlight's not working,

your fence down, the
prisoners out of the barracks.

You see, General
Burkhalter, I...

There will be an
investigation, Colonel,

and you may not be
a colonel much longer.

Please, General,
try to understand.

If you will just give
me a few minutes,

I will explain.

You see, I had a plan.

Fraulein.

Drive on.

There'll be another, sir.

So, there's an investigation.

The important thing is

your perfect no-escape
record is still perfect,

and I know that makes
you a very happy man.