07x13 - Christmas Baby

[bunniefuu]

♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪

♪ You take 'em both
and there you have ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you
gotta go and show ♪

♪ You're growin'
now you know about ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be livin' up
to your dreams ♪

♪ Then suddenly
you're findin' out ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ It takes a lot
to get 'em right ♪

♪ When you're learnin'
the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪♪

Earlier on the facts of life...

Do you have a problem?

I'm pregnant.

Right.

You're not kidding.

You can't be pregnant. You
and steve are getting a divorce.

That's what I told the doctor,
but he didn't seem to feel

That made any
difference biologically.

We're going to have a baby!

Take it easy, guys.

Your mother's gonna have a baby.

This is so exciting.

I think so.

Oh, blair.

You know what I felt

When dr. Simpson
told me I was pregnant?

I mean that first moment.

Joy.

Pure joy.

Then I said,

"Monica, you're not a
young girl anymore.

"Your marriage is over.

You shouldn't even
think about having a baby."

Well... Think about it.

And now... Who is
that masked woman?

I'll give you a hint.

She wants to know if this
outfit comes in other colors.

Of course, blair.

Oh, you're probably
wondering who I am.

I'm bailey, blair's sister.

That's me with my mom.

It's amazing,
she's smiling at me

After what I put her through.

Anyway, here's
how the story goes.

It was the day before christmas.

I wasn't born yet.

But because things were
so hectic at the shop,

Jo waited till the last
minute to buy our gifts.

Now she's paying the price.

You need more tape.

The side flaps are uneven.

Lump on top.

Merry christmas.

This one's yours.

Jo, good wrapping is an
important part of christmas.

It shows that you took
the time, that you cared.

Tootie, I care. I
just procrastinated

And because of that I had to
buy my father a laughing bag.

A laughing bag?

[Ha ha ha]

I'm sure it's just what
he's always wanted.

This snowflake I got from
my great-aunt deborah

Who got it from her great-great-grandfather
lars, who got it from...

This isn't going back
to the wise men, is it?

I got a train to catch.

What are those?
Those are different.

Singing socks.

How original.

I'm glad you feel that
way. Merry christmas.

[Socks play jingle bells]

I don't know what to say.
Did you keep the receipt?

Have you got your
skis all waxed up, nat?

I'm renting skis. I'm also
renting a cast for my leg.

It will save time.

It doesn't sound like
you're going into this

With a very positive attitude.

You're right. I hate skiing.
I'm always falling down.

You wouldn't be so nervous
if you took some lessons.

No, I'd be broke. I refuse to
fall down for $30 an hour.

Merry christmas!

Merry christmas!

Oh, monica, monica,
just look at you!

Oh, look at that baby.

Isn't it funny how you
just want to touch it?

Careful, careful. Be careful.

I'm sorry.

It's ok. Pat away.

Actually, it's much
more soothing

To massage in a circular motion.

Blair's been the perfect
coach. She's read all the books.

She knows everything I
should and should not be doing.

Maybe you should sit down.

Sitting's fine.

Just not too fast.

Straighten it out
a little bit, andy.

That's fine. You're in.

George, how can you let
andy carry this all by himself?

Builds character. It
puts hair on his chest.

And twigs up my nose.

Where do you want
it, mrs. Garrett?

I'd like it... Right here.

Right here is fine.

Ooh, that is a beautiful tree.

Are you comfortable, monica?

When you're in the middle
of your eighth month

You don't use that
word too often.

At this stage mother feels
as if all her internal organs

Are being pushed by the baby.

There's pressure on
the liver, diaphragm,

The stomach, and the intestine.

This is gross. Can I go?

It's not gross.

I'll give him a ride.

Bye, guys.

Can I get you anything, monica?

I made my special
christmas cookies.

My favorite. The
icing, the sprinkles...

The sugar. It could
make the baby hyper.

She'll have yogurt.

I'll have yogurt.

I'll put it in a red
and green bowl.

Blair, aren't you going
a little overboard?

She's getting worse
by the day. Watch this.

Mother, stop!

Isn't she cute?

I have warned you not to bounce.

Blair, the train ride from new
york is twice as bouncy as that.

Don't talk to me
about the train.

I begged the conductor
to slow down.

He said he was on a
schedule, the maniac.

How do you stand this?

I just try to remember all the
wonderful things blair's been doing.

It's because of her I got
interested in natural childbirth.

Guess you didn't do that
when you had blair, huh?

No, I was completely
knocked out.

Even when they brought
her to me I was a little woozy.

I kept calling her sparky.

Our poodle.

Well, I know one
thing: when I have a kid

I don't want to feel any pain.

Just put me in a fog and
wake me when he's a cpa.

Natalie, what they're
teaching us in childbirth class

Is how to deal with pain

So we're calm and in control.

We?

I think they all talk like that.

Remember, she's her manager.

Coach, tootie.

Well, excuse me.

All right, here we are.

Oh, those look so good.
Maybe I'll have just one.

Mother. Jo... Yes, I
know. Pass the yogurt.

No sweets, no moving,
what can she do?

Oh, watch.

When the baby kicks,
the cup will jiggle.

Anytime now.

Keep watching.

Boy, talk about your
great holiday entertainment.

Things got dull,
so I had a little nap.

When I woke up, mom and
sis were trimming the tree.

And then it hit me, the craving.

Mother?

Isn't it amazing, the things
they do with soy these days.

Wasn't my fault. I had
this sudden craving.

You know we're not
allowed to have this.

Come on, blair, it's christmas.

Well, all right.
It is christmas.

Christmas in peekskill.

Different, huh?

It seems so funny now, throwing
one of my christmas galas.

Don't you miss them?

No. This is much
more special to me.

This is the kind of christmas

I've always dreamed of.

Decorating a tree with
your mother the beach ball?

Getting a chance
to be close to you.

To celebrate,
like a real family.

We do that at home.

Mayor koch is not family.

Natalie, I don't understand you.

Why do you wait till the last minute
to put your gifts under the tree?

'Cause the tree just got here.

Well, which one is
for me, the big one?

Tootie, good things
come in small packages.

Then it's the little one.

No, the big one.

Nat, when's your train?

In an hour. Just enough
time to open my gifts.

All right, merry
christmas, and here it is,

The latest in tree
ornamentation.

[Bell rings]

I love it. A tree alarm.

It's supposed to
sound like a bird.

Oh, look. A tree beeper!

Yeah, in case there's
an emergency,

You can get in touch
with the tree right away.

It's supposed to
sound like a bird.

Presents, music, and me.

Is this the perfect
christmas, or what?

Ok, let's get into some
serious unwrapping.

No!

We have to have eggnog first.

Tootie, where is it written

That you have to have eggnog
before you open the gifts?

You have to have eggnog
in order to make a toast.

I think it's cute.
Let's make a toast.

Can I do it? I'd
really like to do it.

No kidding.

Ok, here we go.

Blair.

Ok.

As we all head off

In our separate directions,

Let us pause for a moment...

Make it a brief moment.

To wish each other
all the best on this...

This joyous... Christmas?

Yes.

Christmas holiday.

May I add something? To my
mother, who next christmas

Will have a little
something special.

A waistline.

[Music]

Oh, yeah.

I want to boogie.

You are physically
unable to boogie.

I can't see my feet, but
I know they're there.

Shall we?

You lead very well. Thank you.

It's the first time I've ever
danced with two people.

May I cut in?

I think we'll sit this one out.

Ok, george, we're k*lling the
music, let's get to the gifts.

No, wait!

What, what, what?

Let's light up the tree.

Good idea. I'll do it.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Aah!

Mother?

Uh-oh.

Mother, don't say that.

Whoa!

Don't say that either.

This can't happen.

It's happening.

But you got six weeks to go.

Oh, that's right,
reason with it.

Mrs. Garrett, you
lived on a farm.

You know what to do. Tell us.

Get monica to a hospital.

We have so much to learn
from you country folk.

Stay where you
are, I'll get my van.

I'll call the hospital.

I'll get your suitcase.

I'll boil the water.

Wait a minute. You're
supposed to be heading home.

I don't want you to
change your plans for this.

A baby on christmas.

This is fantastic.

The ride wasn't great
but at least we got there.

Everyone was very relieved.

This is a hospital?

It looks like a flophouse.

People! This is great!

Welcome to morgan
hills medical center.

How are you?

I am going into labor.

Great! That means you'll
be around for a while.

I guess you'll need a room.

Let me see... Uh, let me see...

We're a little
understaffed today.

Vera?

Mother, I know this
looks a bit rinky-dink

Next to what you were expecting.

Nonsense, darling.
All I need is a doctor.

We got a doctor. A nurse, too.

That fills us with confidence.

Oh! Oh!

Blair, this is a hospital.

I'm sure they know
what they're doing.

Hop on.

Nurse, I want to say something.

So far my mother has
had the best care possible

And I want to make
sure that continues

As long as we're
in the hospital.

Am I making myself clear?

Is she your daughter?

Yes.

I hope this one is a boy.

We'll be there soon
as I get you checked in.

We won't move
till you get there.

Mrs. Garrett, are you sure we
should have come to this hospital?

It was the closest one.

We had to get your mother to
a doctor as quickly as possible.

[Gasps]

I'm worried.

Blair, you are doing
so great with your mom.

Hang in there. Keep it up.

The most important thing
now is to stay positive.

You got it.

All right! Let's
get her checked in.

Patient's name?

Monica eloise warner
longdale hopwood.

"M."

Poor mom. All she wanted
was a simple delivery,

Surrounded by blair,
dr. Kalahara, six nurses,

The president of the ama,
and probably my father,

Her soon-to-be ex-husband.

Under the circumstances,

She was holding up pretty well.

Give me ether! Knock me out!

I demand to be unconscious!

And miss all the fun?

Am I crazy? Why am I
having a baby at my age?

Why not? I say if
the car still runs,

You get as much mileage
out of her as you can.

I am not a car, I'm
a woman past 40

Who's six weeks early, doctor.

Everybody call me doc.

Doc? That's one of
the seven dwarfs.

The smart one.

So how is she, doctor?

He's called doc.

This is my daughter grumpy.

Your mother's in
top physical shape.

Her blood pressure and
heart rate are excellent.

So what happens now?

Nurse vera will
check the monitor

And she'll beep
me when it's time.

You mean you're leaving?

There's a get-together
at the cafeteria.

Nurse vera is serving her
annual tuna fish snowballs.

Things are going great.

It's a nice hospital.

It's homey, unpretentious,

With the best medical staff

Available on christmas eve.

Nice ploy, but it won't work.

I hate it, too.

But you have a private room.

Privacy is very important.

Here's your stuff with
a little something extra.

It's the bonsai look.

That's very sweet, jo. A
tree. That's very thoughtful.

That's ok. Got it out
of one of the rooms.

Guess someone checked
out a little early.

Checked out?

Poor choice of words.

So how's everything going?

Oh... Aah!

Great, great.
Well, I'll be going

And, uh, I'll be out
here if you need me.

Ok, mother, breathe in and out.

Do you have any idea
what you look like?

Is it over?

Ok, now take your
deep cleansing breath.

Relax and fill your mind
with positive thoughts.

Bloomingdale's, tiffany's,

Rodeo drive in the spring.

Life is wonderful.

You have unlimited credit.

You feel great.

I feel like I look.

Come on! Where's
that positive spirit?

Where's that smile?

Blair, honey, there's
something I have to tell you,

And I don't want
you to take it wrong.

I hate you.

You could be a
little more positive.

I didn't mean that. I love you.

I'm just in pain.

I don't know what I'm saying.

I understand.

Shut up!

I didn't mean that.

I know, I know. Just
relax and breathe.

You breathe. I'm too tired.

They've been in there for hours.

How long does it
take to have a baby?

Nine months.

Great, we'll all be
here for the 4th of july.

Jo, you don't have to stay.

It's christmas eve.

Blair and monica will understand
if you want to see your family.

Understand, not
necessarily forgive.

If you hurry you can
still catch the next train.

Oh, forget it, the good
part's probably over.

You know, I think I figured
out what stage monica's in.

Labor?

Bingo.

Look at all this stuff you
have to know to have a baby.

You should've tried it
before the book came out.

Well, when I have a baby,

I want to know everything.

I say breathe in,
she breathes out.

I say it's for the
baby, she says I've

Changed my mind, I'm
not gonna have the baby.

My mother hates me.

I've tried everything I
learned to relax her

And it just gets
worse and worse.

Blair, your mother
doesn't hate you.

Women do some pretty strange
things when they're in labor.

Can't take them personally.

She spit in my face.

Ok, she didn't spit,

But I could tell she wanted to.

Blair, you're the coach.

The coach has to be in
control. You can do it.

Now get back in
there and breathe.

You're right.

Mrs. Garrett, could you
come over here for a minute?

I hope you don't think this
is too much of an imposition,

But do you think you could
you say a little prayer?

I'm already praying.

What about you? Why
don't you give it a sh*t?

I would, but...

It's like calling up someone
you haven't seen in 10 years

And asking them for a loan.

It would be a little nervy.

It doesn't work that way, blair.

If you have something to
ask, it's ok. God's listening.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Ok.

Here goes.

God... Miss warner, you're on.

Could you finish it for me?

You got it.

I was pretty busy for
the next little while,

But from what they told me

Everyone was anxiously
awaiting my arrival.

I always thought
you'd be taller.

Shh!

Merry christmas!

Do you know what day it is?

It's the day I lost
all feeling in my neck.

Who are you?

Ho ho ho!

Aw, that's sweet.

Go away.

Jo, this is christmas morning.

I feel like a herd of reindeer
trampled through my mouth.

Santa's taken care of that.

A toothbrush and mouthwash.

My elves told me you
needed a hint of mint.

That was very
thoughtful of you, andy.

Well?

It's a girl!

6 Pounds, 12 ounces.

How's your mother?

Happy.

Oh, good. Can we see the baby?

At 11:00, that's when
visiting hours start.

We still outnumber the staff.

I say we just break in.

No, tootie, we'll go back home,

Have a big breakfast,
finish opening our gifts.

And by that time,
they'll be ready for us.

Everybody, I know you gave
up a lot to stay here with me.

Yeah, I missed breaking
my leg. I'm so upset.

There's always tomorrow.

I just wanted to say...

Go home.

Have a merry christmas.

Merry christmas. You, too.

Well, you thank
your mom for us, ok?

For what?

We got a baby for christmas.

It's a gift you don't
get every year.

I'll pass it on.

Tootie, wait till you see her.

That sure is a pretty picture.

Only one thing
missing. Come over here.

She's so precious.

What shall we name her?

I'd still like to name
her after grandpa.

Bailey.

I hate it.

I don't know.

How about diana?

And spend her life
being called princess di?

I can live with it.

Actually, I do like bailey.

Come on. Marsha, susan, karen,

Zsa zsa... Anything else.

Bailey, it is.

I guess I can't be
too hard on 'em.

They went through an awful lot
to get me here in the first place.

♪ The first noel ♪

♪ The angels did sing ♪

♪ Was to certain
poor shepherds ♪

♪ In fields as they lay ♪

♪ In fields where they ♪

♪ Lay keeping their sheep ♪

♪ On a cold winter's night ♪

♪ That was so deep ♪

♪ Noel ♪

♪ Noel ♪

♪ Noel ♪

♪ Noel ♪

♪ Born is the king ♪

♪ Of israel ♪♪