06x16 - The Meister Spy

[bunniefuu]

( theme song playing ) Carter? Thank you, I needed that.

Colonel, looks like they got another one of our planes.

That's strange, there haven't been any raids near here recently.

All right, gentlemen.

Another guest.

Hi, I'm Colonel Hogan.

I've heard about you, sir.

Lieutenant J.

B.

Miller, You okay? Yeah.

Sorry I couldn't give you advanced notice, but he just dropped in.

( laughs ) It was the craziest thing.

We weren't hit, but we lost all power, fell out of formation.

We finally made a wheel's up landing in a field near here.

Just as I said before! He just dropped in! ( laughing ) What outfit? Operations Officer? Lieutenant Colonel Pruitt.

The code is Bluejay.

He's clear.

You did fine.

Any landing you can walk away from is a good one.

Wouldn't have made it except for Major Martin.

Observer from headquarters.

He was something.

Kept his head, took over for the navigator, spotted a field.

Great job.

Where is he? In the Commandant's office.

Baker? Right, sir.

Yeah, our charming Commandant is probably screaming his bloody head off at him.

Come on, you can listen to Colonel Klink's exciting indoctrination lecture.

We got Klink's office bugged.

If he gives Martin any heat, I'll run over.

Good.

He's some guy.

A real hero.

Herr Mayerink, this is Hans Strausser.

That's Major Martin! That's right, Hans Strausser.

I'm here at Stalag uh I had to leave London.

I have important information.

Complete details of the next allied offensive.

He's a hero, all right, but for the wrong team.

STRAUSSER: I suggest you call your top intelligence people together immediately to get my report.

So you are really German? You know, the moment you came in, I said to myself, that American officer is a German agent.

I could sense it.

One hour? Gut.

Yes, The Templehoff Hotel, tonight at 9:00.

Danke.

I'll arrange transportation from here from Colonel Klinkle.

Klink! K-L-I No, it was really quite simple.

I, uh, cut the fuel lines, the plane lost power, and then I directed them to a field that I'd previously selected.

( laughs ) The-The fools even consider me a hero.

Major Martin, a German spy.

Boy that I'm looking forward to meeting you, too.

Hold it, hold it.

That's not gonna do any good.

Yeah, there's nothing we can do.

( sighs ): Maybe there is.

Heil h*tler.

Fascinating.

You know, I should be in espionage work.

I have a great talent for it.

Even as a boy, I used to write messages in invisible ink.

Lemon juice.

Colonel, you never asked for my credentials.

Ah, there's no need for it.

As I told you, I knew the very minute You may call Herr Mayerink back for verification.

His private number.

Really, Herr Strausser.

That's it.

Baker, I'm gonna need a phone tap.

Miller, listen, remember everything he says.

Carter? You heard me, Colonel.

I require a car.

Oh, I'll take you myself, Herr Strausser.

Have it ready in 15 minutes.

As a matter of fact, I could even attend the meeting with you.

Now where can I wash up? Oh, uh, use my quarters.

You know, I could be of a great help to your espionage work.

From my study of allied prisoners, I could even give a small little talk.

You know, something about, know your enemy.

You got it all straight? I can handle it.

Commandant's expecting us, Schultz.

Motor pool? Send my car over immediately.

( knocking ) Come in, come in.

What is it, Hogan? Sorry to disturb you, sir, but he insisted.

This is something you got to hear.

You're on.

I must speak with you, Colonel.

I am Hans Strausser from German Intelligence.

HOGAN: Wait, wait, there's more.

There's more.

It is vital I see Herr Mayerink at headquarters.

I have detailed information BOTH: on the next allied offensive.

( laughing ): I tell you.

Is that ever beautiful? Colonel Hogan! What is all this? Wait, you haven't heard the best part.

Where he asks for you to get him a car to leave in.

A car? The wild things they tell you flyers will work as escape plots.

Look, Mac, I'm all for ya, honest, but you never had a chance.

Not against an intelligent officer like Colonel Klink here.

No, certainly not.

Spare him the rest of the routine about sabotaging the plane and the phony phone number bit.

The phony phone number bit? Nice try, Lieutenant.

I mean, it never would have worked, not here.

He's way ahead of all of us.

I certainly am! What about the phony phone number bit? We make up a number.

They said chances are nobody would ever really call it.

Who thinks up these things? He would have checked out the number like that.

I'm sorry, sir.

Good night.

I'll dig up a bunk somewhere for ol' Clark Gable here.

What a character! Get me five, six, nine, three, two, two.

( switchboard buzzes ) Good Evening, Schimmel's Bakery! Schimmel's Bakery? Hello? Who is this? Is that you, you no good Heime Bellheim? ( high-pitched female voice ): Is it for me, Papa? Never mind! ( crying ): Papa.

No.

You cannot speak to Helga now.

She's busy making strudel.

Oh, but Papa! Now you listen to me, Heime! Papa! You stop calling here, do you understand? Don't bother her.

She's a good girl.

Papa, please.

And go away, do something.

Join the army! Papa.

What are you doing? I'm trying Oh, shut up.

Did you get the car? I just wanted to ask you which you would prefer.

A staff car or a limousine? Oh, it doesn't matter.

Oh, now I wouldn't want to do anything that might offend a big important super spy like yourself, Herr Strausser.

What's got into you, Colonel? Nothing, nothing at all.

It's just that I'm bored with your charade Major Martin! Major? If you question my identity, you can call that number.

I did call that number.

You didn't think I would, did you? But didn't they tell you? All they told me is that no good Heime Bellheim should stay away from Helga Schimmel.

Schultz? Yeah? Colonel wants you.

I didn't hear him call me.

Yeah, I know, but why wait till the last minute? He has a prisoner he wants locked in the cooler.

( laughs ) How can you think you know what he wants me to do before the Kommandant even thinks he knows what he thinks he wants me to do? Impossible! KLINK: Schultz, on the double! I have a prisoner who is going to the cooler immediately! NEWKIRK: Thank you.

Well, I'm English, aren't I? LeBEAU: Hey, that's close, but not good.

Strausser was loaded, all right, sir.

Hey, we are staging a big att*ck in the northern sector Wednesday night.

All right, we'll keep Strausser under wraps till then.

London is really shook up over how Strausser found out, sir.

Yeah, somebody high up in our general staff is passing on top secret information.

What? He said somebody Shut up! You know, with a little friendly persuasion, he'd tell us who his contact is.

Not likely.

But that Mayerink guy downtown might mention it if Hans Strausser or a reasonable facsimile did go to that meeting tonight.

You're going to a German intelligence meeting? I really had nothing else to do tonight, and it is nice to get out of the house once in a while.

Sounds rough.

I'm glad I'm not going.

I am going? There's a chance for a daily double.

While I find the name of Mr.

Big, you can be taking identifying pictures of all the undercover agents at the meeting.

Camera ready? Gonna need good light.

You shall have light.

Won't he be able to tell that you're not Strausser? From what he said on the phone, they've never met.

He'd like me better anyway.

I'm taller.

( sighs ) Herr Strausser.

Heil h*tler.

This is my pilot, Johann Carter, a very good friend of the fatherland.

He's been most helpful.

Uh, come in, please.

These are my key people.

Fraulein Kissinger.

HOGAN: Fraulein.

Guten Abend.

MAYERINK: And Herr Schneer.

( clicks heels ) This, of course, is Herr Strausser and Herr Carter.

( both click their heels ) Now, you say you have news about the new allied offensive? One moment, Herr Mayerink.

I have followed your career in great detail, Herr Strausser.

That's very flattering.

I even recall that you once had a hunting accident.

Lost the tip of a thumb I believe.

Which thumb was that, Herr Strausser? The right or the left? Well, Herr Strausser? SCHNEER: Well, Herr Strausser, which thumb was it? The right or the left? You have an excellent memory, Herr Schneer.

Excellent.

But thanks to some fine German surgery, you can't really tell which, can you? Now, you say the enemy is planning a new att*ck.

Yes, Wednesday evening through the southern sector.

But we have not observed any unusual activity in the south.

Doesn't seem possible.

Are you quite sure? Would I have taken this extreme method of getting through if I wasn't absolutely certain? Still, uh I think we can assume that Herr Strausser's information is correct.

He has a very high source.

Incidentally, about my contact MAYERINK: If you will excuse me.

It is urgent that I order our forces to move south immediately.

Meanwhile, there are refreshments.

Uh, Eva? Well, at last we meet, Fraulein.

Hmm.

Exquisite.

Danke.

Might I examine it under the light? Certainly.

Hmm.

Very unusual.

It's an Amsterdam cut.

Have you examined this beautiful stone, Herr Schneer? Uh, not in any detail.

Oh, you really must see it under the light.

SCHNEER: Yes, it could be an Amsterdam or-or possibly Roygens.

We have six divisions moving south, thanks to your excellent report.

Danke.

Now, we have a little surprise for you.

Oh? A lovely Fraulein Wesson who worked with you in the Pass Sector.

I've brought her with us.

She is here in this hotel.

I know you two are very close.

So take a few minutes.

You have earned it.

She says you are the one man she could never forget.

Herr Mayerink, I don't know what to say.

You're too kind.

We are in a harsh service, but we too are human.

Go.

It's too good to be true.

What is it? I can't do it.

I made a pledge that I would not seek my happiness as long as our gallant men were still fighting.

That not until their Führer was sitting victoriously in the White House, only then, would I look into Fraulein Wesson's eyes again.

Wunderbar.

I understand.

Yes, well, I must be going.

They've arranged my escape.

I must get back to London and my duty.

So near, and yet so far.

Give me strength.

You've done an excellent job.

One more thing.

Herr Schneer seems uncertain.

He probably would like to know who my contact in London is.

Perhaps you could explain it to him.

I'd be glad to.

Herr Strausser's contact in allied headquarters is is so high-placed that his identity cannot be divulged.

I do not know myself, and Herr Strausser can reveal this information to no one except in the presence of Herr Keppelmann himself in Berlin.

These are orders, Herr Schneer.

I'm sorry.

So am I.

BAKER: It sounds like you did real good, sir.

CARTER: Got the pictures, and sent six divisions to the wrong place.

But you still seem unhappy, Colonel.

Of course he's unhappy; who wouldn't be? He had to pass up a chance to play with that little fraulein at the hotel.

I didn't find out who our leak is back in London.

You couldn't find out.

Nobody knows who he is.

Hans Strasser knows.

We'll get him to talk.

But they told you, he won't talk to anybody except that big cheese Keppelmann in Berlin.

So we'll take him to Berlin.

What are you doing with the truck? Talk to your crazy kommandant! He said there's something wrong with the engine, and we have to fix it if it took all night.

Well, it's not fair.

Now, listen to this engine.

It sounds all right to me.

( whistling ) Wait a minute! There's a whistle in it.

SCHULTZ: No, listen.

Don't you hear it? No, it sounds fine to me.

Herr Strasser? Meyerink-- Intelligence.

Oh, finally.

That stupid colonel! I know.

My apologies.

He will be punished.

Are your people ready at the hotel? This is too big for them.

You'll make your report direct to Berlin.

Come, we have a truck waiting.

A truck? Wouldn't a plane be quicker? Yes, but we don't want the Luftwaffe in on this.

That Goering and his big mouth.

He'll take credit for everything.

Come.

( whistling ) There it is again-- the whistle! All right, get in the truck.

Herr Meyerink, you understand I must insist on proper identification.

Exactly my thoughts.

Which thumb did you injure in that hunting accident-- the right or the left? The left.

You're Strasser all right.

We can't be too careful.

Tomorrow night you'll be back with Fraulein Wesson again.

Fraulein Wesson? You're very kind.

We are human, too.

All right, go! All right! I'm going as fast as I can! Wow, we're really moving.

Yeah, we got to take the back roads.

Berlin is just a state of mind.

You don't really have to be there.

You just have to think you are.

Uh-oh, here comes a very nasty bump.

Oh, dear.

All right, cut.

He should be out for at least 15 minutes.

Newkirk, start rearranging Klink's office.

All right.

Carter, go get your play clothes on, and let's get this stuff out of here.

All set? Right, sir.

You'd never know it was the same room.

That is if old Klink doesn't come back.

He's fast asleep.

LeBeau doctored his coffee.

CARTER: Achtung! How do I look? Lovely, except you forgot the mustache.

Is it on straight? Carter Where's the pigeon, sir? Outside; I'll get him.

Let's hope he's punchy enough to buy this.

Ja? Ja.

Danke, danke.

Wiedersehn.

Heil h*tler.

Sorry about the blindfold.

Security.

Uh, Colonel Beyer, this is Herr Strasser.

As I told you on the phone, he has vital information about a new enemy att*ck in the north.

Yes, be seated.

I will find out if he can see you.

CARTER: Who is it!? Uh where are we? The summer place.

I'm sorry the trip was so rough.

The summer place? But whose? ( Carter shouting in German ) Why, th-that's! He asked to see you personally.

He has a little office like this? Just for weekends.

It's part of the austerity program.

He feels he should set an example.

No frills, just a plain little office.

And out back, just a plain little 40-room cottage by the lake.

( Carter shouting in German ) M-Moment.

Well, he's not too happy with your information.

He is still convinced the att*ck will come from the south because that's what the gypsy astrologer told him.

Gypsy astrologer? He must listen to us! Do you have any proof? Where did you get your information? Well, I Don't tell him.

You know he cannot reveal his contact unless Herr Keppelmann is here.

We'll wait.

I have calls all over town for him.

Wait a minute, you want me to go in there and say that he'll talk to Keppelmann but not to him? And that's final, no matter what! CARTER: Who is it!? You're doing the right thing.

( Carter yelling ) Quick, outside.

Poor guy must have hurt his head in the plane crash.

He's all mixed up.

I saw him break out of the cooler.

But I threw this on and came over.

I found him rearranging all the furniture.

I saw that; why? He told us he wanted it to look nice because h*tler was in the next room spending the night.

No! I'll get my men.

We better put him right back into the cooler.

Can you give me a couple minutes first? No, wait a minute.

Just to try to settle him down.

Two minutes only.

Two minutes.

That man, he looked just like the guard at Stalag 13.

You mean the guard at 13 looked like him.

All the sergeants imitate him.

He's Kurtz-- a real brute.

Der Fuhrer's personal hatchet man.

A real k*ller.

What's he doing here? Don't even think about him.

I've done him a few favors.

He said he'd wait a few more minutes.

( Carter shouting in German ) You boys sure picked a bad night.

He's been having trouble.

It's something to do with Eva and a sergeant in the motor pool.

It's been m*rder around here, and I do mean m*rder.

He sh*t two men just in supper.

Around here, everything happens in threes.

He wouldn't Unless you can verify your information.

Tell him who your contact is.

That would satisfy him.

Never! Well, I He'll take the name to the grave with him.

Then I suggest you make a reservation with the undertaker.

Without the name of that contact, he'll go with the gypsy every time.

CARTER: Who is it!? I'm proud of you.

It's a far, far better thing you do.

Keppelmann will be proud of you too, wherever he is.

All right! Time is up! Let's go! Raus, raus, raus, raus! Good-bye.

A brave man dies but once.

Raus, raus, raus! My contact-- tell them it's Medwin! The undersecretary on the w*r council! Tell them it's Medwin! I'll see that the word gets out.

All right, Schultz, take him to the cooler.

Schultz? That uniform.

You're an American.

Someone around here has to be.

Okay, Schultz, that's it.

Uh, Colonel Hogan, it would be better if the kommandant didn't know that the man escaped from the cooler while I was on guard duty, you understand? Let's just say it never happened, huh? Thank you.

Of course, it's up to you to see that none of his wild stories get back to Colonel Klink.

Oh, I'll see to it that he is in the cooler for a long, long time to come.

Schultz, it's really not his fault.

He's been under such a terrible strain.

Can you imagine him rearranging all the furniture because he thought that the Führer? What's the matter? I thought I saw but it couldn't, could it? Can it? Better get some sleep, Schultz.

You look like you've just seen a ghost.